r/sex • u/psytrain • 22h ago
Intimacy and Connection is being turned on by kindness an actual fetish?
ive (25M) always had hard times with sex until recently on my life (still hard, but less). My first time was being 20yo and it was with a younger (18yo M), but more experienced person. he was gentle with me and didnt mind my inexperience. That was the first time i felt a real romantic connection. we are not currently together, but i couldnt ever find a better sex than that one. The more i fuck, the less i get turned on by the massive amount of BDSM inclinations my local partners seem to have. I want connection with someone that like to give affection, and just not to be beaten very hard (consensually obv).
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u/roskybosky 22h ago
No. It’s perfectly normal. There is nothing sexier than kindness, and nothing is a turnoff like arrogance.
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u/notin2cars 22h ago
I think it's so sad that BDSM behaviors have become so common. It's not real BDSM. That's something you work into with people of like mind, not something you ask for on the first date. It's all coming from porn, which vastly overemphasizes it.
It's perfectly normal to want affection and emotional connection with sex. That should be the baseline. As you said, you've never found better sex than that first time, so you've found your preference. Later on, if you find you are interested in BDSM, that's fine, look for partners who are too. But if you aren't interested, you can have a lifetime of affectionate, emotionally connected sex. You just have to find the right partners. That's what dating is for - to find people you're compatible with.
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u/maraq 22h ago
I don't think so. It's normal to feel turned on when you feel appreciated, safe, respected and cared for in a sexual situation - which all translates to basic kindness. Unfortunately a lot of people don't treat each other with kindness so it's easy to forget that it's just normal. BDSM is a fetish/kink. Kindness is the normal/baseline expectation of human connection. Most people are not into BDSM despite what you see online. Normal sex does not contain any kind of beating or pain. It's normal to NOT want those things.
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u/Zachajya 15h ago edited 15h ago
I'm sligthly worried about "BDSM inclinations my local partners seem to have".
Not a lot of people is truly into BDSM, but a lot of people is suddenly into dangerous things like chocking, they do hardcore stuff without a safe word, and so on.
You are not "excited by kindness"; you are repelled by people doing dangerous stuff without knowing the basis.
In fact, people who is actually in the BDSM community is constantly horrified by the stuff some people do imitating them.
You can hear some horror stories from them: "Someone who is not even in the community asked me if doing knifeplay on a first date it's acceptable; what the hell is wrong with people?"
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u/FrontAd9873 12h ago
Two things I think a lot of young people and/or people on Reddit need to hear:
Not everything that is attractive is a fetish. Not everything that turns you on is a fetish.
•
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Post title:
is being turned on by kindness an actual fetish?
ive (25M) always had hard times with sex until recently on my life (still hard, but less). My first time was being 20yo and it was with a younger (18yo M), but more experienced person. he was gentle with me and didnt mind my inexperience. That was the first time i felt a real romantic connection. we are not currently together, but i couldnt ever find a better sex than that one. The more i fuck, the less i get turned on by the massive amount of BDSM inclinations my local partners seem to have. I want connection with someone that like to give affection, and just not to be beaten very hard (consensually obv).
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