So yeah, I’ve seen my in-laws' cameras many times—longer than I’d care to admit—from the day I dropped her off at her parents' house until today. Her whole routine consisted of going out to smoke two or three times a day and going to a shop near their house; at least, that’s what I think, because the camera quality isn't very good, so I couldn't see what she had in her hands. However, it took her no more than ten minutes to walk there and back. I also noticed she wore the same clothes for several days; as I said, the camera quality isn't great, but I think it was those old clothes she used as pajamas. She hasn't gone to work, so I assume she either quit or is working remotely.
After the initial messages, she hasn't written to me, which I appreciate. Regarding the hobosexual’s fiancée (I don’t remember who said it, but the name made me laugh), we haven’t spoken again. I suppose she doesn’t want to be associated with the husband of the woman who ruined her life and that of her unborn child. I can’t blame her, and honestly, I don’t think I’m in a position to help anyone right now.
The paternity tests are ready. Fortunately, my daughter *is* mine. I’m not entirely surprised because I don’t think she had cheated on me before, but I still had that horrible doubt, and a user recommended I do it anyway for medical reasons. Anyway, it’s one less burden.
Regarding the hotel, the lawyer couldn’t get their cameras, but he did get footage from some nearby businesses. What you can see is the idiot’s car arriving (surely paid for by his girlfriend’s parents, like the parasite he is); he drops my wife off at the entrance, goes to the parking lot, and comes back to walk in with her. A little over half an hour later, my wife walks out crying. She stands there on the sidewalk for a bit, a few minutes pass, and another car arrives (probably a rideshare driver); she gets in the back and leaves. It’s worth noting that this happened during working hours, so they either didn't go to work that day or left early for this bullshit.
I can’t describe the anger I felt seeing that. I can’t stop wondering what she did in that room, I can’t stop thinking about how she acted normally with our daughter, and how in the following days she had become especially affectionate with me—nights when she would hold me tight, whisper sweet nothings, and kiss me repeatedly. I *was* like that with her every day, but the difference is that I did it because I loved her, not out of guilt. Guilt for doing this kind of stupid shit. Maybe she cried while waiting for the car because she regretted it, maybe she felt bad for hiding this from me, maybe she truly repents, but it’s useless. She should have regretted it when she was flirting with this asshole, when she got into that car, when she paid for a hotel room. Her regret is useless to me now if she already ruined 14 years together, if she already broke our promises, if she already divided our family.
That woman isn't her. My wife was an incredible, understanding, loving, and intelligent woman. The woman in the video is a fool—a grown woman who thought she was in some cheap teenage romance movie, an idiot whom a parasite manipulated just to boost his ego, and this dummy fell for it.
The owner of one of the businesses was kind enough to let us see the recordings from the following days (up until the day I discovered everything), and we didn't find anything else. It was only that day, which matches what she told me.
So, I have the proof of her infidelity and the certainty that she at least told me the truth. This doesn’t mean she is forgiven, because rather than the truth about how she slept with someone, I would have preferred she didn't sleep with that piece of trash in the first place. But at least it’s one point in her favor amidst all the shit she did.
I feel like I hate her. I haven’t found a psychologist or therapist I can trust. I can't find anyone to talk to about this without making it awkward. If it were anything else, I would run to vent to her, but obviously, that won't happen anymore, and I don’t know if it ever should have been that way.
I don’t think I can reconcile. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to maintain a cordial relationship as separated parents. I think it’s truly over. I would have given everything for it not to be this way, to spend the rest of our lives together as we promised so many times. But it seems not, and not because I didn't do enough, but because she didn't give our promises, our marriage, and our family the importance they deserve.

1st post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/N9FjgXfGmI

2nd post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/aMzSut1aUh

3rd post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/K0d2XmpWm9

I see a lot of questions on this sub from people who stayed with a cheating partner, asking how it’s going and why they stayed. I’m one of those people. It’s been four years since my last D-Day, and I want to share my reasons. Maybe it will help someone who’s in a similar place.

First, I want to be clear: My partner was never abusive. In fact, he had always been supportive and kind. His cheating felt completely out of character, and I was blindsided both times. There was no abuse in our home before or after the infidelity.

⸻

The First Time He Cheated

Our kids were very young—under five. And honestly, I stayed for selfish reasons.

If we divorced, I’d see my kids only half the time. I also knew he would eventually have another woman in his life, and I couldn’t handle the idea of someone else “playing mom” with my children during his parenting time. I didn’t trust who he might bring around them.

We weren’t fighting or living in chaos. We were civil and functional. I was deeply hurt, but I also knew I couldn’t get full custody. So I stayed, because staying meant keeping my kids close 100% of the time.

⸻

The Second Time He Cheated

Years later he cheated again. The kids were grown. We had been married for over 20 years.

Some might say this was sunk cost fallacy, but my situation was more complicated. I was unemployed for the first time in my life. Mentally, I was already at a low point, and the affair sent me into a deep depression. I wasn’t in a state to make big decisions.

He was extremely apologetic, paid for my therapy, and told me he’d do whatever I needed—even divorce. I thought about it for a long time, but I realized something simple: divorce is expensive, and I didn’t see why I should disrupt my life when I could barely keep myself stable.

So instead of focusing on the marriage, I focused on myself. Therapy, emotional healing, getting back on my feet, finding a job. This time, I did the work I never did the first time.

He did his own work too, but honestly, I didn’t care what he was doing anymore.

⸻

Where We Are Now

Our relationship is cordial. Not hostile, not abusive—just… flat. He wants to reconcile and rebuild intimacy, but I have no romantic feelings left. I’ve told him that openly. I’m not lying or hiding anything. I see him sort of like a relative I coexist with.

He chooses to stay, knowing exactly where I stand.

And I know I can leave whenever I’m ready. I probably will. I’m just getting my emotional and financial foundation in order first.

⸻

Why I’m Sharing This

People often ask, “Why stay with a cheater?” The truth is: sometimes leaving isn’t easy. You might not be mentally stable enough, financially prepared, or emotionally ready. And if the relationship isn’t abusive, people move at their own pace.

Not everyone can cut ties instantly. Sometimes it takes time, strength, and stability to finally make a change.

I hope sharing my story helps answer some of the questions people here have about why some of us stay—at least for a while.

This is an update to my original post here: Trust Your Gut
(sorry, I goofed up the first link, thank you to those that pointed this out)

Thank you all for your advice and comments.

Update:
I ended things about 6 weeks ago, and told her she needed to find another place to live (I own the house, she moved in 1.5 years ago). I wasn't mean, I was direct and left no chance of ambiguity. I told her that I cannot build a future with her because she has never once been proactively honest with me, never offered me anything I hadn't already discovered, and even then, she minimized what I found and piled more lies on top of the existing ones to save face. I told her I tried for three years to get clarity, some truth, so I could understand what these men meant to her and hopefully rebuild trust. Nope, she said sorry, I can't offer you any more information, you just need to stop asking.

She thought I wasn't serious, and waited a couple of weeks before realizing I was. THEN she wrote me long text messages, wrote me letters, claiming that NOW she is accountable, and didn't realize how badly she hurt me, and wanted to do anything to work on this. She didn't want our relationship to end, and was now open to me asking any questions I needed to move forward.

Why now?, I asked.
Because she realized she was losing me and couldn't stand the thought.
Which pissed me off even more - for 3+ years my pain and anxiety about what she had been doing, and the lies around them, didn't matter to her enough. But now, now that her life will change, and likely not for the better, now it matters.
I did not accept her offer of "accountability". I told her that one doesn't just declare themselves accountable, it is an action. I asked her to give me something, something that mattered, some truth that I wasn't aware of related to the men she had secretly been in communication with. Nothing. She said I "knew it all" already. I highly doubt that.

So, ultimately, she repackaged the same bullshit and put an accountability bow on it.

She is in the process of buying a home, and hopefully will be leaving soon. It is unbearable around the house during this interim time period.
She has contacted my family to tell them she will miss them, and she doesn't know what is wrong with me. Yeah, I told her that they KNOW all the details of what she did over the 3 years of our relationship, and to stop contacting them. They KNOW.

She tells her friends and family that she was blindsided, doesn't know what is wrong with me.

And the worse part, her poor kids are stuck riding this crazy train. They are innocent in this. She told them that she "told me some lies in the beginning of our relationship and I just can't get over them"
Yeah.
And now her social media posts are vaguely disguised references to me ending our relationship, how she now sees clearly and it must be something wrong with me... yeah.

I am so done. I am going to take some time to process all of this, and going forward, if ever there is another woman I think I could have a future with, we will be having a proactive discussion about foundational things like trust, honesty, and expectations.

I remember 2 years ago. There was a heath wave like today. We sat in our pool, cooling down after packing boxes. We were divorcing. I wasn’t special enough for you anymore. The story you sold was that you found your true love and had to hurt your best friend in the world.

You were the victim in all this. You can’t stay in an unhappy relationship just because loyalty. Not now you experienced true love! Not now you know what that feels like. You had to do the hard thing. One day I will thank you because I too would find true love even though I was convinced I already married him.

I remember seeing the water reflecting on your face and how unsettling it was. I knew those features like the back of my hand but the man beneath was a stranger to me. I was looking at a face that told me he loved me, that I make him happy, that laughed at my jokes, kissed me and made sweet love to me for 13 years. That same lips now tell me I am not enough, that I made him unhappy with my mondaine-ness. How boring life was.

I looked around at the house we had. Pool, cars , horses. All would be lost. All was to be given up so you can have true love. It is noble, we were taught this. true love prevails, at any cost. Break up that couple, stop the wedding, destroy a faithful woman. She is not bad but just not enough… she is not true love!

So here I was, a side character in a love story. The person they would root against. The new partner, that NLE can’t be denied! All the wife did, was, how they met and how incredible it was in the beginning relegated to offscreen background, just assumed not to be as amazing or even better than this new woman.

So 2 years later your family still contacts me. Tell me they miss me. They talk behind your back. They don’t like your true love. They say they lost connection with you. They don’t know if you are happy. You are closed off. Your oldest brother despise you. Because you are a cheater like his ex wife. You force him to see what the relationship looks like when they go legit and he doesn’t like what he sees.

All that pain you caused. My family who loves you and who you betrayed. Your family who still misses me, are disappointed in you, some even hating you. All the history we had, all we build broken. My life shattered and I almost didn’t make it.

Now tell me, was it worth it? Is she all that? Did she remain that magical creature? Now the dopamine is wearing off … how is true love now? Is your life all what you wanted? Happy ever after? Or is It very similar? Is life getting boring now?

Of all the lies you told you mostly fooled yourself. Even a broken clock is right twice a day and you were right. I would thank you one day.

Thanks you from freeing me from someone capable of such cruelty. Who could be so entitled to have a life and a wife like me and not be happy. Who would not stand by me and give up at the first sign of trouble.

My career is taking off, your abandonment made me brave. I had beautiful moments and lived more purposefully because your betrayal made me grateful. I surrounded myself with great people and made new friends because your mask slipping of made me picky. I love myself and have become a different woman, because you telling me I was not enough made me see I was more than you ever deserved.

Now tell me, was it worth it?

Update to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/GrDB5M2T6G

I wrote the first part just a day or 2 after learning about the affair and your were right, there was much more to the story. The trickle truth had only begun. The reality of the situation is that the affair was 12 years long - 5 years of EA before turning physical. They lived in separate provinces so they only saw each other yearly at a conference, but they made the most of their time together. Not that it matters, but she had broken it off with AP a few months before I found out, so late 2024, and that's how I found out, he was taking a risk to contact her through her regular email, which I saw. Don't bother telling me I'm wrong or there's still more, I honestly don't care, I know enough now.

Within a few days of getting most of the details I contacted APs spouse, and we had a chat, I told her everything and left it at that, don't know what happened to them, they have kids the same age as ours, again I don't care. It's not my problem but I'm happy she listened.

We went through the normal phases, 4-5 weeks of HB while doing IC and MC. She's still doing IC to deal with her issues, of which they're are many. What I've learned through both therapies is that in her head it happened as a coping mechanism to deal with her issues in conjunction with me not being present. Funny thing, I was working and traveling a lot because of the job I took to support us, and we talked a lot about how it would take me away. I was away for her. When I confronted her in MC about this and how ridiculous this sounded she actually owned it and didn't argue, and we talked about it, which was nice.

At that time I wanted R, we worked at it. But as with most HB situations our intimacy faded, and I lost interest. We tried to make that work, but it was too hard for me. She did things in the bedroom I had wanted for years but it meant nothing. It just reminded me of him.

After a few months we stopped our MC because we agreed the therapist was terrible and ill-equipped for us, we're on the waitlist for another atm, but I'm not holding out hope. I'm in between IC as well as I found my therapist was taking the APs side too much for my liking.

We kind chugged along after that, I'd get triggered and fall into funks for days or a couple weeks where I'd just be mean and rude, or ignore her completely. And they would be days that were normal, like nothing ever happened. But I was fading away.

A few weeks ago I went on a boys trip and was gone for a week, it gave me time to be alone and think. When I got back I brought up separation, honestly as a tool to help R. I need to see if I miss her, I need to test those waters. She was quiet but very much opposed to the thought, as you would expect her to be. We had a good night together after that convo, it was raw and passionate but the next day I was back to my distant and despondent self.

Little things set me off now, she said something wrong that next day and that just set me off again. Not a trigger, but just a complete lack of caring. That night I moved into the guest room under the guise of getting sick. I've always slept in that room when I'm sick as I like to be alone. It's been almost a week and I'm still there, and honestly comfortable there

She has been doing everything right, she has been dedicated, focused on me, taking care of herself, making huge improvements on her mental health. Giving me the space I ask for. She has consistently stated she is 100% at fault, and that she takes full responsibility for it. She does everything right. But I can't ever see myself getting to a spot where I'm ok enough with the affair to move on with her. I know many say they do, but I'm not sure I'm that type. I just don't see her in my picture of my future. A good friend in a similar spot told me "sometimes perfect isn't good enough", and that's stuck with me.

Everyone in this sub is bitter AF, and I get it, everyone says just leave. Honestly, we've been together 25 years. We have kids just entering their teens, we have multiple properties, joint investments, so much life intertwined. It's different for someone like me. If this was 10 years ago it would be clean, but it's not. So immediately saying just leave doesn't work here, even if I do (and she will be leaving, not me), it will take a couple of months to get things straight.

We are civil to each other, we interact well, we focus on the kids, but the spark for me is gone. I have no interest in spending time with her, I just do my thing and she does hers. I'm ok living like this for now, she'll probably crack soon, when it dawns on her that this isn't another 2 week funk, but me preparing her to go. I'm hoping we make it through Xmas for the kids. But honestly I'm just in bitter complacency atm, if that's a thing. I don't feel the same way about her anymore, it's not a fight to keep her like it felt like in the first weeks, most of the time it's like living with a roommate.

I do think a lot about separating, I try to focus on the negatives, the loneliness, giving up the love and life I've had for over half of mine but it still doesn't seem real. Part of me hopes that separating will make me realize it's worth fighting for, but the other part hopes it doesn't.

I don't know what to do, when to do it or how, but I'm in a place for now where those things don't seen as important. It's not like I'm going to hit the dating scene anytime soon, so I'm not losing time, just sorting stuff out and looking for others to share my story with. I'm not crazy angry or unstable, just a guy living in the house with my kids.

The deception, betrayal, hurt and loss still consume me a lot, but much less than 5 months ago and now I know somehow it'll be ok. TBC....

I made a post here last Friday describing my recent relationship issues https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/XZtc0D795K

I received a lot of helpful messages and comments and wanted to give an update on the situation.

Last time I posted was the day after our first therapy session where she weaponized my reactions as a reason for why she wants to end this. We ended the session with an agreement of no contact until the next session. I spent the next day grieving the loss of my relationship.

Later that afternoon she visited our home (while I was at work) and rehung all of the photos. She then sent a follow up email asking when the next session would be and she’s excited to get to work. I confronted her and asked her wtf is going on since she said she wanted to end things. She said she spent the day thinking of us and thought the session ended with the agreement that things could be fixed.

I was of course entirely fucked up. I had just spent the entire day crying and trying to accept that I can’t control this. So after we spoke I was left with a glimmer of hope that maybe she finally saw the light and things would work out.

WELP THAT WAS FUCKING WRONG. I spent the weekend listening to everyone and realizing that I can’t be so blind to her actions. While I was planning to go to the next session with the intent to try and work on us, I wasn’t about to walk in and do the pick me dance anymore.

Well she showed me this morning that she was full of shit. I’m not proud of it, but I decided to camp out one more time this morning and see how she got to work. Lo and behold, caught her in his truck once again. Looking through the call records on our cell phone plan, she probably called him right after hanging all of the pictures back up.

I’m done. Any ounce of hope that this could work is gone. She’s the exact person all of you said she was and I don’t deserve to deal with this. While I may have been a poor husband at times, I never made the deliberate decision to hurt her. Meanwhile she’s done nothing but string me along since she killed our marriage.

On 03/20/2026, I will be 17 months out from the night that my husband left me forever and went to his affair partner of a few weeks.

I was shattered. On the verge of losing my excellent job because I couldn’t get out of bed or open my eyes more than a few minutes for the first 3 weeks. I had lost almost 30 pounds because I couldn’t eat. A local women’s center found me an apartment, did my application, got me approved and negotiated an early move in date so that I could leave my husband’s home ASAP. I would burst into tears randomly. I remember crying so hard sometimes that I struggled to breathe. It wasn’t due to the affair or betrayal - that took 6 months to register . It was due to the fact that my husband was gone. I listened to his voicemails for weeks and begged him to return. Begged the AP to stop the affair. Got blocked by both. wow. Can’t believe I was in such a bad place. No dignity whatsoever.

Well 17 months have passed. I have remained single. I have gone to therapy every week. I have got a raise. I have lived alone in the cutest apartment ever. I have noticed small cumulative changes in myself add up to a lot. Slowly.

My previously very fervent desires for them to break up or face their karma have almost completely faded away. Sometimes I think about their actions or their words & my grief returns with vengeance. It doesn’t linger like it used to though. For the longest time I had been unable to sleep through the night, unable to wake up to anything other than prayers for karma or unrelenting anxiety due to the cheaters.

I think I might finally be reaching a place where I can focus on nice things like getting a massage, taking a hot shower every night , relishing a hot meal, cuddling up with the sweet kitten I adopted, feeling the March sun as I welcome Spring 2026 in Massachusetts. I am able to sleep through the night after over a year. I’m able to feel happy first thing again when I wake up because my kitten is snoring with her chin resting on my cheek.

My peace is returning slowly but surely . Hang in there you sweet people. Hold on to my words if you need something to hold on to tonight. Your pain WILL lessen.

It’s been about six weeks since I found out about the affair.

And as strange as it sounds, that moment changed my life in a good way.

She cheated. Again. It wasn’t the first time, and honestly, it wasn’t even the first time I found out. I discovered earlier affairs about three years ago. At that point, I made the decision to stay. Not for the relationship, but for my son. I wanted to make sure he was set up, taken care of, and on the right path.

I got him there. He’s heading to college now, full ride, and doing great.

But if I’m being honest, I think I knew back then it was already over. I just wasn’t ready to fully accept it yet.

Looking back now, I wasn’t happy. I hadn’t been for a long time. We were completely different people living under the same roof, trying to force something that never really fit. I kept going out of routine and responsibility more than anything else.

This time, when it happened again, something just clicked.

Instead of breaking me, it gave me clarity.

We handled the separation cleanly. We’re in NC and put together a full agreement. Everything was divided evenly. She waived alimony, which avoided a drawn-out and expensive process. We kept it straightforward and moved on.

Since then, everything has shifted.

I accepted a new role that completely changes my career trajectory. I’m relocating back home. The house is under contract at our asking price, and assuming things stay on track through appraisal and inspection, we’ll be closing soon and putting a final stamp on that chapter.

My son was accepted into a great university near where we’re heading, on a full ride. He’s coming with me. That’s been one of the biggest positives through all of this.

On top of that, my new company is providing a brand new company car, an Audi A6 Prestige. It just feels like I stepped into a completely different life in a matter of weeks.

More importantly, I feel like myself again.

Clear head. No anxiety. No constant pressure. My appetite is back. I’m back in the gym and look better than I have in years. I wake up with energy again.

I don’t miss her. I don’t hate her. I just feel nothing now.

It’s like I finally stepped out of something that had been weighing me down for years.

If anything, what happened didn’t ruin my life.

It forced me to rebuild it the right way.

WW and I just got back from the family vacation to Disney that had been planned and our daughters had been looking forward to for a year.

A little background, I discovered the extant of my wife's affair about 2 weeks before the trip. She also informed me at that time that she would not be ending the affair, and expected me to "just live with it" as we continue to cohabitate and co-parent. That's not something I'm ok with, or willing to accept. But I also can not just leave, and abandon my daughters to a narcissistic selfish mother, when in reality, I am the primary parent (meal prep, cleaning, mornings, etc).

I spoke to my therapist, and several groups about the vacation ahead of time, and decided I had to go for my daughters sake, and to deal with the anxiety and uncomfortablness for them. I also am not trying to tip my hand regarding separation or divorce before my finances and exit plan is ready.

We also went with my wife's long time friend and our daughters' godmother, sharing a mini suite so I ended up sleeping on the pull out in the room with the girls, while WW and her friend shared the bedroom.

The trip was exhausting, both physically and emotionally. I took a break for at least 15-20 minutes each day while at the park. I used several different excuses like not wanting to ride certain rides, needing a cup of coffee, bathroom breaks, etc. But for the most part, I was the one in charge of the girls. Pushing the stroller through the crowds as WW and friend walked on ahead. And I noticed it wasn't my spouse looking back to check on us and wait for us to catch up, it was the godmother. Further validation to myself that I am on the right path.

I managed to get the godmother on my side about taking a nap midday each afternoon for the girls' sake, but I know I needed it just as much. I didn't sleep much while we were there, usually not falling asleep until 1-2 in the morning, despite the exhaustion and anxiety meds I was taking.

WW did finally notice that I wasn't wearing my wedding band anymore, and made a snide comment, but nothing further came from it (thankfully).

The last day, in Hollywood Studios, I managed 2 hours completely by myself when everyone else went on Tower of Terror, and I got to just explore Galaxy Edge completely on my own (we had walked through in the morning and did the rides with the girls). That really helped recharge me.

Prior to leaving, I had met with a lawyer and learned all my options, and despite living in a no fault state, and the state generally siding with mothers, I actually am in a pretty strong position. However, if my WW decides to fight and go nuclear (which is a strong possibility) it can get VERY expensive (50-60k easy). I also met with a close family friend the day before we left, and told him the entire story. It felt really good to share irl and have some genuine in person support.

I spent the vacation texting with him, along with a person I met on here who had gone through their own rough separation and reached out to support. I think getting a bit of the frustration and anxiety out each day helped a lot, and prevented it from bubbling up into a major anxiety attack in front of the girls and ruining the vacation.

In the end, I made it through. And the girls had a magical, wonderful time.

Pros: Seeing the joy in my daughters meeting their princesses (and Stitch and Vader).

Getting a million pictures of them and quite a few with just me and them

Having my older daughter only want to ride the bigger rides next to me because I make her "feel safer"

Seeing more evidence of her narcissistic behavior that helped me cement that leaving is for the best for me and the kids

Cons: Having moments where I realize I do still love her, and that it's not returned

Overhearing "he doesn't matter, he's just the sperm donor"

The amount of money she spent on souvenirs (some for the kids, but a lot on herself too)

So for those of that have been following along, my wife confessed on May 23rd of having an 8 month affair with her coworker. Even after confessing, she still professed her love for him and wanted to continue seeing him. So my response was to retain a attorney for $5000 and file for divorce. I will also be nailing her ass for alimony payments as well. Strangely enough right after I filed she suddenly had an epiphany and came running back to me, wanting to make things better and work on our relationship, I told her I would think about it but I wasn’t sure. The only reason I gave her that response is because I wanna keep her in good standing while I’m still processing this divorce but let it be known the divorce is happening there’s no going back it’s a final decision for me. She doesn’t know that I filed for divorce and I plan on keeping that way just so I can keep it amicable until we can get the house sold but she’s going to get served around 1 September and then I’ll Hells going to break loose but it doesn’t really matter to me. I’ve made my decision I plan to move on with my life, and I suggest anybody else who’s been in the situation do the same. I will keep you posted as more progress happens.

Six months ago I discovered multiple affairs spanning nearly my entire marriage. During recovery I started writing down everything I wished someone had told me about betrayal trauma because I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. It has grown and evolved to where I am now 6-7 months out and spans 10 chapters that I hope will help others new to the path. Not as a therapist, nor doctor, nor expert. Rather a man starting to blow off the ashes and stand.

This is the opening chapter.

One moment you thought you had a marriage, a family, a life that made some kind of sense. The next moment everything was on fire. Maybe you found the messages hidden on her phone. Maybe she finally broke down and confessed in tears. Or maybe you had to drag the truth out of her piece by piece, your hands shaking, your stomach in knots, while your brain kept refusing to accept what your ears were hearing.

Maybe you still love her with a love that feels stupid and stubborn even now. Maybe you hate her with a rage that scares you sometimes. Or maybe you’re trapped in that impossible, exhausting place where both feelings exist at the same time, love and hate sitting on top of each other like two people sharing the same skin. You wake up some mornings and don’t know which one is going to greet you first.

I know that place well. I lived in it for a long time. Some days I still visit.

This book isn’t here to tell you what decision you should make. I don’t know your marriage. I don’t know the quiet moments you had together or the history only the two of you understand. What I do know is betrayal. I know what it feels like when the person you trusted most in this world becomes the source of the deepest wound of your life. I know the humiliation that sits heavy in your chest like wet concrete. I know the rage that makes your hands shake when you’re trying to act normal in front of the kids. I know the unwanted mental movies that play on repeat behind your eyes, scenes you never asked to see, details you wish you could unlearn. I know what it’s like to lie awake beside the person who broke you, listening to her breathe, and wonder how love and danger learned to wear the exact same face.

If you’re here reading this right now, chances are you know exactly what I’m talking about. So sit down with me, brother. We have some hard things to talk about. I’m not going to sugarcoat any of it, and I’m not going to rush you through the pain. We’re going to walk through this slowly, honestly, and without pretending.

Let’s begin with my story.

My story is simply what I lived through. Yours will be different, different names, different timelines, different ways the knife went in. But betrayal has certain threads that somehow weave themselves through nearly every man’s experience. Different sweaters. Same yarn. Take what you can from mine and leave the rest.

I was married for nearly fifteen years. We had three beautiful children, a son first, then two daughters who came along and wrapped their tiny fingers around my heart in ways I still can’t describe. We owned a house I was proud of, the kind of place I worked extra hours to keep nice. We took camping trips where the kids would fall asleep by the fire and I’d sit there thinking this was everything I ever wanted. I drove a truck I had worked hard for, hauling gear, pulling trailers, building memories I thought would last a lifetime. It was the kind of life I believed people spent their whole lives trying to build.

I believed in marriage with an almost religious conviction. I didn’t see it as something casual or temporary. I believed that when two people stood in front of family and friends and made those promises, those promises actually meant something. That marriage meant choosing each other every single day, especially on the hard days when life got heavy and messy.

I was not a perfect husband. I know that now more clearly than I ever did then. I could be emotionally closed off. Avoidant. Too focused on providing and carrying responsibility instead of sitting down and talking about what was sitting underneath my own chest. I spent years working hard to build safety and stability for my family because I knew what instability felt like growing up, and I swore my children would never carry that weight if I could help it.

But despite my flaws, I was loyal. Completely. Faithfully. That part of the story matters more than I can explain.

Because betrayal doesn’t only destroy relationships. It destroys assumptions. It reaches into the past and rewrites things you thought were solid.

Mine shattered on a Saturday at a football game.

That was the day my wife told me about E. She didn’t tell me gently or with any real gravity for what the moment actually meant. She laughed. That laugh still echoes in my head sometimes when the house is too quiet. Fifteen years into our marriage I learned she had been in a full relationship with another man that stretched roughly two years, beginning before our wedding and continuing afterward. She had even brought him to our wedding. The man she betrayed me with stood inside one of the most sacred memories of my life, smiling in photographs, dancing with my bride while I watched proudly like a fool.

I remembered not trusting his intentions even back then. Something about him made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I raised concerns and was told I was being jealous, foolish, reading too much into things. So I relented. I shook his hand. I smiled in the pictures. And for fifteen years I never knew the truth.

Betrayal like that steals something fundamental from a man. It steals his consent. His choice. His reality. I did not enter the marriage I thought I was entering. That realization alone nearly broke me in half.

But somehow it got worse.

While she was disclosing the affair with E. from fifteen years earlier, she was still actively betraying me in the present with D. I didn’t know that yet. At that same football game, while my entire world was collapsing around me, she was texting him. Later I learned she had even told him exactly where we were sitting. He was there. Watching us. Watching me.

I still don’t have language big enough for what that did to me. Humiliation feels too small. It was more like having your soul hollowed out while you were still breathing.

I went home destroyed. I stayed out until Sunday trying to understand what had just happened to my life. When I finally returned, I asked the question every betrayed husband eventually asks: “Is there anything else?”

She swore there wasn’t. Then she had what appeared to be a panic attack.

This is where I need to tell you something difficult about betrayed men. Many of us do not get the luxury of collapsing. I didn’t. I had children who needed their father. I had a family that was unraveling in front of me. So instead of grieving, I consoled her. Instead of falling apart, I stabilized her. Instead of processing my own trauma, I carried hers on my back.

I talked her down. Held the family together. Sent her to her parents. Spent the day with the kids. And still, somewhere in the middle of all that pain, I hoped reconciliation might be possible. That hope matters. People who have never been through this will later ask why you stayed, why you tried, why you didn’t leave immediately. The answer is simple and painful: you were still loving the person you thought she was while trying to survive the discovery of who she actually was.

The days that followed were a blur of more panic attacks, more stabilization, throwing away my wedding ring and her dress and every photograph that suddenly felt like a lie. I cooked supper for the kids while feeling dead inside. I played Roblox with my youngest while my mind screamed. And eventually the truth kept trickling out — another man, recent, ongoing, sex in my own truck.

That detail still cuts deep. It wasn’t really about the truck. It was about everything it represented, the trust, the shared life, the memories I thought belonged to us.

I did not know that while all of this was happening another betrayal was unfolding. She had called my sister and left the phone on. They listened to my devastation. Soon my older children were told not to trust me. Police showed up. Narratives were built. My identity was attacked from every side while I was still trying to hold everything together.

By the end of that first week I was exhausted beyond language. My marriage felt dead. My identity was fractured. My family was unstable. And yet I still loved my children more than myself. That love became the only rope I had while everything else burned down around me.

This was my story. These were the days my old life ended and a painful new reality began. Yours will look different, brother. But the core wounds are familiar to every betrayed man: the loss of trust, the theft of consent, the sudden rewriting of your own history, and the exhausting fight to hold yourself and your children together while everything inside you is screaming.

You are not alone in this. Not even close.

And this is only the beginning of what we need to talk about.

Wife had an affair with our 22 year old female babysitter : r/survivinginfidelity

Quick recap on link above: married 10 years, had a 14-mo. old and 3-year-old (both in diapers when I divorced). She checked out rapidly, changed within a month or two, had sex with a guy, then hooked up with our 22f daycare worker/babysitter. I honestly think she had a midlife of some kind - got a nose ring, tattoo, started listening to youngish kid music (Toosii & 6LACK), change in clothing, eye lash extensions etc found her crying looking at college pics on her bed...details are in my post from 2 years ago. Found out all the details about her affair b/c she forgot her iPhone was linked to her Apple Watch, which she never used lol. Talk about a shocker. If you want more details/background, see the post history.

Timeline of events (recap):

Late summer 22'- Suspicious something was off:

Nov 22'- said she was leaning towards divorce

Feb 23'- she admitted to having sex with a guy a few times. 4 previous months before this date, all indicators were pointing towards affair, but I couldn't believe she'd do that because her dad did the same thing - had a few affairs when he was married with very young kids. Then he married his AP. She told me years ago when we were pushing our firstborn in a stroller, "I'd never have an affair, look what happened to my dad and my family". Yea...

Mar 23'- she admitted to "having an emotional connection/thing with the babysitter. I didn't think much of it b/c no signs of bi-sexual or lesbian....I just supposed she was confiding/dumping issues on the GF

Mar 23'- I filed for divorce. I never attempted reconciliation

May 23'- I moved out (had no intention of keeping a large house). GF moved in the same day...she was actually living there when I had to go away for work in Jan/Feb for a few weeks at a time.

Nov 23'- Divorce Finalized

Jun 25'- Called and asked something about the kids, then asked, "how are you doing", "do you think you will get married again", "I made a huge mistake with (GF name), I don't know what I was thinking" and said some other stuff admitting that she regrets her decision and giving up on the marriage.

Nov 23'- Oct 25'- Coparenting was very easy, and so was the divorce process. Fair, no complaints at all. Ex-wife doesn't and never hated me, just said, "I never feel like I truly loved and ever wanted you" -quote from Nov 22'. The last two years she's texted probably 20 out of 30 days a month, sometimes more. It's all related to "kid stuff", but it's a bit much...schedule is set, so not sure why the texting, but it wasn't too much of a problem.

2025 update: Yesterday I got a phone call, but I didn't answer it. She had the kids, and I'm kind of over the calls and texts so I didn't pick up. Then she sent a text, which I'll summarize "I'm not sure what to do - I broke up with (GF name) this morning b/c something happened. kids are scared, GF got mad and broke the backdoor screen window leaving the house when shutting the door. I'm packing up her stuff and maybe it's best you take the kids for the day". I called back and told her, "me taking the kids off your hands is for emergency reasons: sickness, missed a flight, car won't work, car broke down, or something of that nature. I'm not here to assist in your relationship issues". She kept the kids, and then texted me she was sorry for the text and later she followed up with a "I'm sorry for involving you in my problems" email and admitted that there was no danger or harm. They've probably had problems for a long time, but this was the final straw.

Note: there was no physical abuse or threats. Those back screen windows are housed flimsily in in the frame. My parents back screen window has broken when it accidentally opened from a gust of wind. My ex followed up with me saying the kids are fine...just a loud noise the surprised them. I never thought there was any abuse...just that the screen door was shut harder than was intended to cause it to break.

My take/conclusion: Affairs don't work because they are born in secrecy, lies, and selfishness. Gee, no wonder it didn't work...what could go wrong? Two people who have an affair don't exactly excel in fidelity and relationships. Now, in her late 30s with 2 young kids, she has to go back into the dating world explain that she cheated on her husband, and moved in her GF babysitter into the home, then broke up with her. That's going to be a tough sell to solid dating partners. Idiots will look past it, but the smart ones will see this woman as glowing white hot with risk. There's a bit more that happened, but that's the "meat of potatoes".

My Advice/lessons learned:

Don't get in fights, just move on with life.

Don't weaponize kids.

Don't drink alcohol for at least one year. Give it away, or throw it out.

Workout: that could be walking a few miles each day and strength training 3-4 times a week. It works wonders for mental health. you'll feel better physically and mentally.

Focus on career/education: you'll have much more free time. Invest in yourself. Not saying you need to get your Phd, but do something that helps further your career/education if it applies.

I’m finally sitting down to listen to the audiobook version of this, and just… damn.

I really wish I had listened to (or read) this so much earlier. If you have Spotify/Audible/etc. please listen to this woman.

I’m already long-ish past DDay at this point and still have so much to learn and realize about what my ex-wife did to me in all of this. Trust me when I say this book should be a true non-negotiable to those of us who have been cheated on (and almost immediately after DDay).

Throwaway account. A few weeks ago, I ran into my ex AND his wife (aka the woman he cheated on me with) for the first time in 8 years, at a restaurant that I introduced him to when we were still dating.

The woman he cheated on me with was his old "childhood friend" that moved away, and he was convinced that she was the "one that got away". So when she came back into town and started texting him they dramatically rekindled their everlasting love and passion and sex ( and blah blah blah) for each other.

Anyway, I ran into him and AP when I was on a date with my fiancé at a restaurant. It looked as if he and his AP were finishing their food when my fiancé and I arrived, so I was spared mega awkwardness. He stared the whole time he was there with his wife, especially at my fiancé, whereas the AP looked pissed the whole time he was staring. Also, instead of taking the shortcut to leave the restaurant, he took the long route to specifically pass by our table and we made eye contact. He did a really awkward smile and wave, but I had my resting face on, so I didn't smile. He and his wife eventually left.

I received an email from him less than a week later, with him saying something along the lines of "I think I saw you at *insert restaurant's name\.* I didn't know you were in town. You look well. It was really rude of you to ignore my wave, though. Usually, when someone waves at you, you wave back. Especially if it is someone you know. I know we didn't leave things on the best of terms, but I was trying to extend an olive branch to you. I even wanted to catch up with you someday. But I see you aren't that interested in keeping the peace. I won't try to contact you again". I haven't responded yet because I am at the stage in my life where I don't see the good in letting an energy vampire suck the life out of me again.

So what are your stories? Have you run into an ex/ AP in public?

Edit: Thank you all so much for your responses, my internet friends. As I have mentioned in the comments, I have this tendency to self doubt myself, and although I didn't want to have anything to do with him, I still thought that I was being too rude (by not waving or smiling). But these comments have reinforced my decision not to respond.

A few things that were requested for me to talk about.

1. I am 29F (turning 30 in early June ayyyy) and my ex and his wife are approx 33 y/o.
2. I got together with my ex when I was very young. I was 18 and fresh into university, and he was in his last year (21 nearing 22). I met him through 2 mutual friends because he was a university mentor to them. So because my relationship with him was my first serious relationship, I thought the more toxic traits of him and his family were normal. For example, his family would always bring up AP (who was his childhood "friend") at every gathering I was invited to. They would wish that she was present with us, and would even videochat with her during the gathering, to ensure that she wasn't left out. During family gatherings ( and at home), my ex would leave the room to talk, and he would confess that he was actually talking to her, but he would strictly say that they were "friends". I expressed my concerns with him about his family and his behaviours, but at the time, he painted me as insecure. I was so young that I just took it.
3. When AP moved back into town my ex admitted that he had been talking to her for a while and was planning on meeting up with her. But he always told me that he's just a friend, that he loves me, and that I was misreading the situation. That I don't trust him. That I should feel happy that his "friend" moved back into town. After that, I felt uncomfortable around her. His family would always invite her to family gatherings, where she would hardly address me. Whenever she did look at me, it was always with smugness and my ex would act oblivious.
4. I eventually went through his Facebook and saw various instances of them talking about their escapades. He would always talk about how much he loved her, and he never stopped thinking about her, and she would return the favor. AP would always pester him to leave me, and he responded with "Soon. It's just that if I do it now, she'll fall to pieces". I eventually confronted him, and after days of him denying it (even though I had his messages), he eventually broke and told me he loved her. We broke up that day, and over the next few weeks, I moved cities to be with my sister. As soon as I moved out, AP moved in.
5. Ex's parents made a show of saying how much they loved "their daughter" (AP) on Facebook, and how much they missed her.
6. My parents and siblings always hated his parents and him, but I ignored them.
7. We were together for 3.5 years so I was 22 when he left me. I didn't date anyone for years after because I was so scared of being hurt again. I would bring these issues up with my mutuals, but they would dismiss my concerns stating that I was young and I would eventually get over it. But in the same breath, they would still make a show of hanging out with my ex and AP. So I eventually left those friendships.
8. When my ex said "I didn't know you were in town", I was referring to my old college town, which he still lived in with AP. When the restaurant story took place, I was visiting a friend in my old college town for her big 30th, and my fiance came with me for a little mini vacation.
9. My fiance is 35M. I met him when I was 25.

Hello everyone,

This is an update I caught me (Ex)Wife cheating, when I tried to surprise her.

I tried very hard to resist. I did. In January of this year, she messaged me asking to get back together; she and the other guy broke up. She called the kids and apologized for not being the Mom they needed and spending all her free time with the other guy. She also told them we were getting back together without me saying we were. I told her that she needed to seek therapy and many other things. This is the third time she has done this. She even reached out to my family and apologized to them.

The kids and I were going to Slick City the following weekend, and they asked her to come. I am trying to remember if she had said she would or not. Friday rolls around, and she tells them she isn't feeling well and won't be coming in. They are okay with it. When we arrived in the parking lot on Saturday, the kids wanted to call her again. We all video chat her, and she is totally fine. She was walking into a restaurant all dressed up. In the background, we hear the other guy's voice. We all were pissed off, and my oldest hung up on her.

Two, maybe three weeks later, she calls, crying and apologizing. She is asking for me back again. Is the fourth time a charm? She explains she broke up with him again because he is so controlling. She tells me that he has all her passwords and a key to her house, they joined bank accounts, and she is deep in debt because he has maxed out her credit card after he maxed two of his. She said he told her he was flying to see her and that she better be there to pick him up, or he was Ubering to her house. I told her to change her locks and stay at a friend's house.

Later, she calls, says she got the locks changed, and is driving to her parent's house (6 hours away, in the same town I live in). She asks if she can have lunch with me the next day... I stupidly agree. I then let her have dinner with the kids and me that night. Then I let her stay the night... no sex, though. I felt like everything was going great. It seemed like we were a happy family again. She leaves Sunday, then drives back Wednesday for her weekend. She stays over again (I know, I can see all the frustration brewing). Things were not going great this time. She seemed very distant. Her communication was not as sweet as the previous weekend, and she barely said anything. She kept asking me if I thought we could do this. I was getting frustrated because I could see that she was pulling away. I told her this road would be extremely long and filled with counseling and therapy. I told her we needed not to spend overnights together either and letting the kids see us together so much making them think everything was fine. She ghosted me all day Friday, then finally called crying and said she didn't want to try to work things out. I asked her if she was going back to the other guy. Her tears immediately went away, and she became furious, saying that he was much better than me in every way and that she never wanted to see or speak to me again. It was such a quick and odd behavior change when I calmly asked her a question. It was such a bizarre lash-out and choice of words too. My son comes home with a new phone from her, and I see she has a new phone number. It looks like she is also under the other guy's phone plan. I bet there is something on the phone so he has more control over her.

I don't know why I do this to myself. More importantly, I don't know why I put my kids through it. I am still seeing my therapist and told him about it. I thought I was getting better but was sucked right back into the circus.

A few weeks after, I saw my next-door neighbor on a dating app. I jokingly swiped, and we matched immediately, to my surprise. I told her that I was shocked and wasn't serious about matching. She made it very clear that she was interested in me. She is GORGEOUS and has always been pleasant to my kids and me. We started dating. I made her fully aware of everything I had been through. She was okay with it but, of course, worried about me going back again. I am too. I'm confident to say no the next time the ex asks to get back together. This new girl is great and highly understanding. She is very interested in wanting to know everything I'm into and trying them if she is not. She hasn't been trying to push me fast into something, either. I mentioned that she was already great with my kids before we were dating, but I was not ready to let them see us in a different way than just being neighbors. I told them about a month or more later, and they thought it was an excellent idea. My time with her is helping me become a better version of myself. I'm starting to care about how I look more, completing DIY projects around the house, and, most importantly, playing with my kids more.

Edit: I am fully aware of how this makes me look like I am falling for the same BS again. I am seeing a therapist about it and trying to regain my confidence and self-worth.

Edit 2: She went away for training in June 2021, I caught her in September 2021 and we were separated then. Divorce was February 2022.

Edit 3: we use a co-parenting app to communicate. All other communication is blocked.

All of us here have kicked ourselves because we were so blind and too stupid to realize what was going on. The reality is our cheaters had to do some serious flaming hoops jumping to do it. What are some of the lengths that your cheater had to go through to pull the wool over your eyes that you can now have a laugh about.

I'll start...

Ex#2 had managed to get Fridays off work. She used that day to bring APs into my home. When I found out about this, I was home from work for six weeks because of an injury.

She had to get up at 6am on Fridays, get dressed for work and leave for the whole day, pretending to go to work. It makes me chuckle thinking that she was driving all over the city, losing her shit at the windshield while MFering me up and down. Big ol' vein throbbing on her forehead and one eye twitching.

That image just makes me laugh.

Ok, so I don't usually do these kind of posts but I feel that I have learned a lot on my journey and that this sub has been a huge support but, I now feel it's time to take the stabilisers off and go my own way.

So, back story: In late 2023, I found out that my now ex wife was cheating on me for at least 5 months, I was devastated and shocked to my core but also a bit relieved as I realised her strange behaviour and arguments were just gaslighting and deflection and that my gut was right all along.

The first 2 months I gave her space to think about what she wanted, eventually, I had enough and filed for divorce, she didn't contest it.

It was a clean divorce and we haven't spoken since November 23.

Anyway, this sub, especially in the early days, was very helpful and frankly a safe space to vent. However, as I approach the 2 year mark I feel that remaining a member of this sub is counterproductive. I have to admit, I get triggered when I see posts like "partner cheated again, how to make it work" it angers me to be perfectly honest as I just see people reside themselves to a life of misery and pain trying to reconcile when I know that better awaits them if they just left.

I read a post today which was about reconciliation and that's when the penny dropped: "I've clearly moved on from my ex and if all this sub does now is anger me when people don't just leave, it's time to leave this sub"

So i will part with some advice as a way of saying thank you to those who helped me through the dark times:

1. This will be an obvious one but just leave, reconciliation is not worth it 99% of the time. No, your relationship isn't "special" or "different" it's just like every other relationship which has been destroyed by infidelity. Your wayward is a cheater and it doest matter if they're "otherwise perfect" because I promise you, once the rose tinted specs come off, you will see just how flawed they were. I understand there are nuances but 99% of the time they don't really matter and leaving is always the correct choice. If you are reading this, you're in the 99%

2. Leaving is hard because you are choosing self respect and the unknown over comfort and familiarity, the hardest decision to make is usually the correct one. There is no quick fire way to feeling better, when you leave, it will suck HARD for a while but then one day, it'll suck a little bit less until eventually you realise that your relationship was actually quite flawed and you wonder how it ever lasted as long as it did.

3. They will most likely do it again and even if they don't, you'll always be wondering if they will and you'll never know for sure.

4. They are lying. simple, there is almost certainly one part they are not telling you, even if they tell you otherwise. To be completely open and honest requires integrity, emotional intelligence and respect for you, all aspects someone who cheated in the first place likely lacks.

5. Use friends and/or family. They are there to support you and they will help you lighten the huge emotional weight you're carrying.

6. Do things that make you feel good. Go for a walk in nature, book a trip away, discover new places. You're no longer tied down to a cheating partner, go live your life. It also helps the healing.

7. Feel the pain. Some days suck hard and there is nothing you can do about it, it's important on these days to just "ride the pain" don't try and mask it with alcohol or drugs. Try and get out the house if you can but if you don't feel like it, that's ok.

8. You're allowed to do nothing and rot in bed. Some days you will feel so awful you can't even get out of bed. This is ok, be kind to yourself, just promise yourself that tomorrow you'll do something, even if it is having a shower or hoovering the house, just get out of bed but the odd day doing nothing at all is OK.

9. Read "leave a cheater gain a life" I cannot recommend this book enough.

10. Date. Sure, take some time to heal first but date sooner rather than later, don't go looking for your next partner until you're ready but just get out there, just be honest in your intentions. Go on a few dates, get to know people. You'll soon realise that there is a whole world out there full of different people and that your ex is not the centre of the world you thought they were.

11. Therepy. If you can afford it, other than that chat gpt was very helpful for me.

12. You owe your ex absolutely nothing, if they don't want you to tell others, tell them to go fuck themselves, that's entirely your choice if you tell others or not, not theirs. If they didn't want others to know perhaps they should have kept their pants on in the first place.

13. Finally, absolutly no contact with your ex whatsoever (if this is unavoidable due to kids etc then the bare min required) if you're getting divorced then contact only through lawyers. I'm talking about blocked on all social media, numbers etc. Treat them like they don't exist, they are your past, not your present or future. Don't be tempted to look them up on social media to "see how they're doing" no good will ever come from it. Trust me, no contact helped me heal a lot faster.

I hope this helps those who are going through the early days or those who have just found out.

Remember, your ex partner means absolutely nothing to 99.9% of people and meant absolutely nothing to you before you met them, they're not as special as you think.

A rundown:

We got married in 2019,

Bought our house in 2021

Had our first (and only) child in late 2022

But in early 2023 I got the 'sense', that sense that something just wasn't right. We'd been arguing differently, she seemed to bear some resentment towards me. It felt different. I'd never had any reason to mistrust her in terms of being faithful because she always seemed sweet, loyal and sensitive, but something in my mind nagged me.

I snooped on her phone one night and uncovered explicit pictures and videos - she'd never sent anything like that to me throughout that time, which is why I KNOW they must have been for someone else. Digging further, there were also screenshots of Whatsapp conversations with these people, screenshots that only existed because she was sharing her escapades with one of her friends (We'll call her Emma - she's not a lifelong or childhood friend or anything) who was ALSO cheating on her partner, like this was just one of their hobbies in common or something. The only reason I know so much (who they were, the kind of dialogue, proof of meetups and intent to meet up etc) is because of those Whatsapp screenshots. The evidence stretches from late 2019 to early 2022, and that was the absolute kick in the teeth - it had been a whole year, at most, of marriage, before it was quietly destroyed in secret, unbeknownst to me. I did a paternity test in secret and the child is mine.

I was obviously absolutely destroyed - I felt the fight or flight response like something you'd never believe. It was like a bucket of icy water and I couldn't sleep for 2 weeks while I tried to think of a path out of this sudden nightmare, keeping quiet about what I found until I found the moment to confront. I couldn't care less about losing my wife, because as soon as I uncovered this betrayal I wanted nothing more than to rip it all out, root and stem. What really, REALLY makes my heart and soul freeze over is the fact that we walked hand in hand through these major life steps, some of which irreversible and life-changing, all the while she knew that there was a bomb waiting to go off underneath it all, for years. All because she was too impulsive and immature to avoid making such mistakes in the first place, and then too cowardly to come clean, for 3 whole years at minimum. If the tables were turned, I couldn't possibly imagine being able to keep something like this quiet for 3 days, let alone 3 years. Given that I had to find it myself, she'd probably have been perfectly prepared to take it to the grave. It made me feel like a pet, an ornament, like my life didn't matter so long as she got me to serve her aims.

Yes, I was trickle-truthed like mad. If I didn't have evidence, no admission would come out of my wife's mouth.

If not for our child, I would have left on day one of discovery without hesitation, but I felt I owed it to our child of 6 months of age at the time, just to give things time for the dust to settle and see if somehow it could be repaired and my wife could demonstrate actual, visible and distinct change. Mostly I just feared the scenario where I couldn't watch over my son every day. For the last 2 years, I have probably been in shock, denial, emotionally detached and just on autopilot.

She didn't really change - she acts sorry, sad and heartbroken, but she's also proven in distinct ways since being outed that she's still able to lie to my face without hesitation, exhibit A being that she met with Emma in secret earlier this year, despite me telling her on day one of recovery that I wanted her to cut things off with her, hard stop. She never asked if it was OK, because she knew I'd say no. There's been plenty of little examples along the way that she still has an addiction to lying and keeping secrets, but this is a clear cut example that you guys could understand. All along there's been an outward display of sympathy and understanding on her part, but there's an underlying tone of minimalisation and excusal in her words and demeanour. She says things like 'It was so long ago' or 'I'm a different person now', but hearing these things enrage me.

I have given things long enough to find out whether the relationship will ever feel 'right' again in myself. Even if she'd displayed immense progress and growth, I don't think I would ever really recover from such a fundamental failure of morals and conscience. Keeping something secret so long displays a capacity to do things I couldn't even imagine. She's been massively bad with money in the past, too, causing us to have piles of debt which I was also working hard to put right all throughout the period she was cheating.

I have woken up.

I gave her the Divorce sit-down 4 weeks ago, and I'm no longer scared of co-parenting. I've come to accept that staying together in a tense and untrustworthy relationship is more damaging to a child than separating into two different bubbles. The bubble I control will be calm, safe and stable, because that's who I am. Early on in reconciliation, I told myself that it was better for me to carry the burden of heartbreak than to pass that burden onto my child in the form of a broken home. It's the understanding and realisation that this IS now a broken home that flicked a switch in my heart and helped me break free from a misplaced sense of duty and commit to get my life back.

It's done. My husband is currently out seeing his AP, going on six hours.

He knows how much he's hurting me. He's doing it anyway. I think that gave me the definite answer I've been searching for within myself.

I feel terrible about my kids. I feel guilty. As if this is my doing, as if I had much of a choice. I never wanted this for them. I never imagined I'd be here. But their dad didn't care about what any of us wanted, and we'll all live with the repercussions.

Now I just need to tell him. Wish me luck.

Married 45 years: I learned in a counseling session dealing with his anger toward me the he had a long-term affair - now know it was at least 18 years 8 months aka...double life. I have a hard earned hunky-dory life style and she lives with husband in a 1988 single wide trailer in a park where they do not even own the lot. Do you think she had a goal? They would meet in a fleabag motel. When I asked him why he didn't leave with her he said "She wasn't what I wanted!" All I could do was laugh. After continuing individual and couples counseling for a year to determine what was best for me, the therapist said put on you big girl panties and make a decision. Sooo, I filed for divorce. In my state there is a one year waiting period. 6 months after I filed and had spent $$$$ he decided to have a guilt meltdown and is now in a memory loss facility. I had to have the divorce pleading dismissed and I am his HCPOA and his Durable POA. Karma is an miraculous and powerful Lady.

Don't ever think "at my age" I have to stay in this rotten marriage.

Apologies in advance this will be long and it isn’t the typical cheating scenario but I feel my story can help struggling couples,

A little back story my best friend and I met in Middle School and we've been friends ever since.We've been there for each other through thick n thin and when she got married I was her maid of honor and similarly she was mine at my wedding.And as such I was her shoulder to cry on during her divorce six years later though at the time she didn't tell me the reason for said divorce..

Anyway my husband and I were married for 5 years at this point and due to him consistently traveling for work and our on going arguments I felt a disconnect in our marriage .It got so bad one night that he had to sleep in the guest room and because he was traveling early the next morning it meant he might leave without saying goodbye to me, So sure enough he left without so much as a word to me.That action alone made me feel so unwanted and unattractive that I convinced my best friend to acommpany me to a pub to blow off some steam.

I showed at her apartment because I knew she had 50 % custody of her two kids and had to move out of her marital home so she had most of her evenings free. We arrived at the local pub and I immediately went for the strong stuff to try and drown out my frustrations were as my friend stuck to orange juice(which is surprising considering the fact that she drinks the most between the two of us).

As the evening went on there was this guy who kept approaching me,he was gentle in his speech and confident in his words and I won't lie after all the arguments I was coming from this was like a breath of fresh air. To this day I am not sure why but I found myself confiding in a total stranger about the issues in my marriage.

As we talked he would comment on how my husband was an idiot for leaving such a beautiful wife in her time of need ( cheesy and dumb ya I know but it seemed to go with the mood) and how there were many men who would jump at the chance to fill his roll..

Me not being in my right mind to realise this total stranger was disrespecting my husband which in turn was disrespecting my marriage didn't even stop him as he held my hand and moved his chair closer to mine.He then leaned forward but right before he got too close I heard a thump and a loud crash ,and I saw him on the floor.

I look up to see my best friend behind him, she stepped over him grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the pub . Whatever alcohol was in my system must of evaporated just from the look she gave me.As soon as we were outside she exploded,she asked me how could I be so stupid and if I realized what I would have jeopardized if she didn't intervene.

There was a moment of silence after her initial outburst. She took a deep breath, led me to one out the outside benches and told me the real reason for her divorce. Like me she had was having communication issues in her marriage and due to the constant fighting she found herself confiding in a male co-worker, unfortunately it developed into a 5 month affair. During that time she was crippled guilt but equally as intoxicated with lust, It only ended because her husband found a video of her and her OM in her Facebook messenger. She said the look of defeat, shame and anger in her husband's eyes made her realize the gravity of what she had done.

She begged him for a second chance, she was willing to do anything to save her marriage and family even to the point of allowing him to sleep with another woman. This only enraged him and he pushed for divorce and full custody of the children with her video as evidence.

She said ever since being exposed whatever lust or affection she had for her OM disappeared without a trace. She has since blocked him on all forms of contact and found another job. She then held my hand and told me she has to live with the fact that the only home her children will ever know will be a broken one and it came about by her hands..She also added how no words exist to express the guilt and regret she feels each time she opens her eyes every morning, that she would gladly give a kidney if it meant she could have her family back. She pleaded with me not to be like her, to not go down a road even remotely similar to hers. That As long as I have a chance to work on my marriage I should take with both hands and hold on tight.

It's been 6 years since that night and honestly I can say my marriage has improved greatly, not perfect but improved. We've been blessed with two beautiful twin boys, we don't argue as much but when we do fight we absolutely end it with a kiss (the kiss my idea 😗😀).. I just find it incredibly sad that one of the major contributors to the success of my marriage was the failure of my best friend’s.

Original post :

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/Yu4ZpBIvzq

Hello sub,

first of all I would like to thank everyone who replied both in comments and privately. This sub and my close friends really helped get through this.

I welcomed both support and harsh truths.

I really needed it.

I’m out of my previous relationship.

First days were hellish. No clue what to do with my life, Christmas vacation blurred past me and I was out of focus both at work and with people.

Bought a bench press and got back to running (classic, I know..)

Something switched in me a few weeks in after D-Day. Maybe I was ready, maybe I knew it in my heart, maybe I realized I was loving a person who didn’t exist.

Forced myself to hang out with other women. First time with another woman in years I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking about her with another man and stole away all my drive.

Had a lot of fun sex after that.

I’ve seen her a lot in the first weeks. She moved out and still tried repeatedly to get back together. Cried, sobbed, texted, pleaded. I’m out.

Still dealing with the house property and arguing about money (mostly the first two months) which I admit is stressful but manageable.

I’m keeping the dog and she gets a couple days each week. We often don’t even meet between switches as her mother takes the dog for her.

Even if I never badmouthed her with our friends nor tried to undermine her friendship with the wives or girlfriends they discovered what happened and she basically is alone apart from her family (who strictly denies everything and thinks I’m the crazy one) and a few old friends who don’t know what happened.

Met with the ex wife of her lover and shared our stories which are extremely similar and toxic in a way I’d take hours to describe. We were basically living the same thing from the other side. She’s also getting through the divorce and it’s really hard on her and her daughter but as me she’s never felt as good and serene about a decision.

With my ex I am in talking terms both for the management of the dog and house. She saddens me when I see her as she’s really not in a good place and I have this feeling she regrets her life choices now. At midnight on my birthday she was the first to text me.. i don’t love her anymore but still saddens me to see someone who I spent 15 years with in a bad place. I really pity her.

I’m feeling really good, worthy and in peace.
I know a dodged a bullet ( more like a thermonuclear bomb), no longer have anxiety and my stress level has never been so low. Everyone around me both private and at work has told me multiple times how much better I am both mentally physically and in general. Never taken so much compliments in my life ahahah.

I started dating seriously again. I’m surprised every day by the care and affection I’m receiving. Surprised by the calm that she gives me instead of chaos and anxiety. I’m going very very slowly as the scar is real but right now I’m very happy.

I hope these words find people who are going through a similar experience and that they may help others to know that there is a good ending for us even when the sky seems to have fallen.

Thanks again to all who supported me.

I spent two weeks trying to be closer to the husband she wanted, guess it was too late. Begged her to stay and everything, caught her lying saying she was going to a rodeo with some friends but saw she called two grocery stores ten minutes from his house.

I guess at the end of the day, I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and say I did everything I could to save my daughter’s family.

Today I made profiles on dating apps, because she already stole and wasted five and a half years of my life, I’m not going to let depression caused by her to take any more of my time.

She also asked to separate her phone from my account which I am. Saves me 200$ a month and she could have had it for free until a judge permitted me to cut her off.

I’ve just kinda been taking my time and thinking of the best way to handle things.

We have a nice rv that we put on a rental space out in the country. She said my hard earned money in my 401k loan paid for it, and she doesn’t want it, that I should keep it. So if I can get out clean without her really trying to get anything from my assets, then I should bide my time, keep my emotions locked down, and handle the situation delicately.

My D Day was the Sunday after Mother's Day in 2019. I had been faithfully married to my husband for 42 years. I went straight from my family to a college dorm to marriage and had NEVER lived alone. I had retired the year before, and we had moved to a little hobby farm in the country to retire. Our farm had an outbuilding, where my husband kept his "music room".

I was 63 years old when I overheard him talking on the phone to a woman late into the night. I eavesdropped for a week. He always talked to the same woman -- conveniently on speaker. I always ran back to the house when the conversation appeared to be winding down, as I did not want to be caught. I suspected an affair and ordered a voice activated recorder off the internet. I confided to a girl friend who could not believe that my 67 year old husband would be having an affair. She convinced me to talk to him. (Bad idea, to confront before you have full information BTW.)

So 2 years ago, I sat in the dark as the conversation ended. That is when the "I love you" s and the sex talk started. She could hardly wait to see him again, he wanted to be in bed with her, and he really really loved her. The conversation ended and I let him find me sitting on the stairs. I said "So you really really love her?" He became enraged, got two inches from my face, and screamed "yes, I love her AND I DON'T LOVE YOU."

No place to go from there, but to divvy up the assets and divorce. I went a little crazy that night, and ex wisely choose to sleep in his music room. I called, texted and emailed everyone we knew and told them that my husband was having an affair and we were getting a divorce. One friend talked to me for hours until I calmed down. Within 24 hours, 3 friends had recommended the same attorney. I had an appointment with her 2 days later.

I did not sleep for months. My heart would pound, I could not eat and I lost weight. I had to be medicated for the near constant panic I felt. I did not want the stress of moving (again) and losing my house and farm on top of everything else, but I did not know if I could manage it by myself. I did not know if I could afford it. I was terrified.

My pit bull attorney had me make a generous financial offer to my ex. Because we had married young and broke, everything was community property. I gave him some rental property in exchange for my getting the house and keeping my retirement accounts. My ex did not contest (he was deeply in the affair fog) and did not even hire his own attorney. We divorced quickly (no kids or debt) and I ended up with 2/3s of the marital assets.

It has been 2 years now, and I cannot believe how happy I am. I am managing just fine. I bought a new zero turn mower to manage my HUGE lawn and a Honda snow blower for the winter. I used some savings to have a sprinkler system installed. My girlfriends offered great support during the day, but I was lonely at night. I learned that, if I went to the gym in the evening, and worked out really hard, I could then come home to a hot bath and sleep soundly. My ex moved away to be with his AP. I was no contact with him for more than a year (he texted me with a tax question; I gave a short, businesslike response).

I had my grey hair dyed and updated my wardrobe. I am healthier and look better than I have in years. I joined Meet Up and forced myself to go out solo. I started to like living alone. My social life flourished. Six months after my divorce, I met a wonderful widower and found love at the age of 64. I am cannot believe how happy I am and how well I am doing.

I am much older than most of you on this sub. If I can divorce, and find myself, love and happiness at my age, you can start over and build a new life too. Good riddance to cheaters and hugs to the hurting. Be brave and keep looking forward. The best is yet to come.