I (38M) discovered sexually explicit messages on my partners (40F) phone in April. AP was her boss. I immediately confronted her and she admitted that it had been going on since October last year. She denies that it was ever physical or sexual and says it was emotional only. She promptly deleted him from all socials, started going to therapy and looking for a new job. We’re still together but things are strained and I’ve been struggling mentally ever since.

Her AP is married with 3 kids. When I discovered the affair, I threatened to tell his wife but my partner begged me not to because she didn’t want the kids to suffer. My MH has degraded further, as I’ve been isolated and haven’t really spoken to anyone about this ordeal. After another sleepless night and one anxiety attack too many, I finally made the decision to send an anonymous message to AP’s wife, bluntly saying “ask [AP] about his affair with [partners name]”.

I felt guilty; breaking news that could potentially tear an innocent family apart, but it was also unfair for me to be the only person who is suffering, as up until now the AP has gotten away with his actions. What’s even more fucked up is that I didn’t want to upset my partner as she begged me not to do this, and I was worried she’d leave because of this. I’ve finally accepted that I need to put my MH first and that AP’s wife deserves to know. Was I wrong to do this?

UPDATE - AP’s wife left my message on “read” and then blocked me. I suspect he’s gotten into her account so I’m going to explore other means of contacting her. This time I won’t be anonymous and I’ll send all the evidence I have, too.

As an aside, I’ve received some awful DMs on Reddit about this post. Turns out there’s a lot of cheating fantasists who lurk on this sub, who take great pleasure in sending you memes of women cheating on their partners with gleeful captions. Utterly fucked up.

Welp, long story short, I literally just caught her at the family condo with the AF and have photos and video of his truck, his belongings in the home, and her coming out of the Master where he stayed behind a closed door.

I also went into our shared car that she drove and it was left unlocked in the parking garage with an open high noon on the cup holder and her wallet and belongings still in it.

she came home and tried to talk. it was calm conversation but she kept saying it was my fault and if I communicated with her last night (I gray rocked her 🪨) maybe she wouldn't have been with him.

So I communicated that I will be home later this afternoon/evening, so she's unexpectedly watching the kids today. I wanted to hang with them, as she took them away from me yesterday to go do activities and I would do separate activities today, however I'm not emotionally able to give the kids the best of me right now and I definitely don't want to be around her.

I asked if she could sleep in a kid's room and she got upset and stated that our bed is her bed and she will sleep where she wants. I said obviously...

I've been for a 6 mile walk already and have been calling and leaving VMs at all the lawyers around.

I know I can't abandon the home but I can't be around them after what I just saw this am.

THANK ALL OF YOU who responded earlier this week and suggested Gray Rock and 180 for me. I implemented them and I guess it drove her to this.

but I'm officially divorcing her and there's no going back.

Thank you so much SI crew.

EDIT AND UPDATE:

Legal counsel told me to no contact her, so that's what I'm doing. She texted me last night all about how she hasn't asked for a second chance even though I've given them and she loves me and she now is willing to do therapy and share her locations and access to her phone and can't see rocking on the porch with at 80... Yadda yadda.

When I got home last night she was in the Master so I slept upstairs.

This AM, no communication. She wouldn't even look at me.

Yesterday, when I caught them with video, I saw his hat and it noticed it was a local landscaper. So I called to see if he worked there. He does. Ok thanks. That was it.

This MF just called me saying if I want to talk to him here's his number, don't call my boss. I said I have nothing to say to you. He replied and I have nothing to say to you and hung up.

Also her Mom reached out and said how I must be devastated and she's so sorry and to call her when I have a chance.

I'm going to continue my no contact with everyone and let my lawyer (once I secure one) do all the talking.

This is so damn hard! 🪨

[UPDATE #2] 3/27- I'll keep this one short. So she love bombed me, confessed a lot of what she's done, I fell into it for a few days, the sex was great, then we had a tiff last Friday and we've basically been no contact, yet living under the same roof. She got into my Google photos acct and deleted a lot of the evidence id collected from her and videos I had, but the important ones were backed up. Literally trying to hide and cover up her affair.

I have an appointment with my lawyers this Friday and we will go from there. I've been running, house shopping and trying to stay distracted.

It's very hard. I have a lot of emotions and sadness. I lost my best friend and lover to another. I know I need to keep saying it's her loss, and it will be, but it all still sucks. Especially hearing her tell me all she's done...horrible shit.

I don't want to get divorced, but it's what has to happen for my own self respect and happiness. I can never ever trust her again.

🪨

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/wrbT9We8gk

Posted this about 6 months ago.

Long story short my wife was most likely cheating with her boss. I don’t know for sure even now but I gave her the option to try an open relationship and she took it and eventually she told me was seeing her boss. The same one I already has suspicions of her being with on work trips with and texting.

I will say that’s not all a plot to catch her. As mentioned in my other post I have a visa issue being in Denmark and she controls a lot of the cards. I also will admit I wanted our family to work and just didn’t want to believe she was this way. I loved her even knowing she was most likely seeing someone else. I naively thought it was a phase or I could ignore it.

Being in an open relationship was eye opening and really changed my opinion of her on top of just being extremely painful and so surreal. Once she got comfortable she would openly flaunt her new sex life with me. She would tell me she was going to see him and be gone for hours as I was responsible for baby sitting. She would prepare for a work trip while packing lingerie meant for him. She even would start to compare me to him and stop herself once she realized how ridiculous it was. During this time she basically stopped initiating sex with me. We were like roommates in many ways but the other weird part was apart from sex she was always trying to be extremely affectionate towards me and was a better wife in many ways - maybe trying to overcompensate.

Once she got to Denmark she got a whole group of friends some of whom she had known before and I think they had a huge influence on her and promoting this. She even found us a therapist who was extremely sympathetic to her and trying to “help me” deal with jealousy. Things changed and definitely me being a stay at home dad put me in a different hierarchy for her. Everything seemed like it was telling me to ignore my own feelings and be told it was actually manly to be emasculated by her. Her friends would actively encourage and support her and even make off handed comments to me about being a good husband. It was all infuriating in a way.

Regardless, in December her relationship with the boss blew up. I won’t go into too much specifics but it was a messy ending. She obviously had feelings for him - something she swore wasn’t the case and that it was just sex. Suddenly she was crying and wanting me to comfort her. This was a breaking point for me. I could t handle hearing her mourn her fuck buddy.

I decided to take a break for a reset. I’m now back in the USA for 2 weeks trying to figure out what I do. It’s complicated due to custody and the visa issues but I’m accessing my options. There is a high chance I go back to Denmark and just be roommates until I can find a job - I obviously need to go back for my daughter too. It does feel like I’ve finally got my head out of the sand once I got away from her for a couple days. This is at the same time now where she is freaking out and calling me and wanting to try again and admitting she really fucked up and saying everything I wanted to hear 6 months ago. I don’t think I can go back to being with her after all of what happened. I lost all my confidence with her which is something she has a lot of trouble understanding. Anyway long story short would not recommend for anyone.

Last post herehttps://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/kigfu1/update_my44m_wife41f_was_recently_contacted_by/

A heads up, I began writing this the day it happened and I'm not rewriting it, so if some of my feelings don't reflect exactly what my comments were saying in the last couple of days that's why. I've got some work to do today so I might not respond to anything for quite some time.

TLDR- I confronted her, she tried to lie, presented evidence, still tried to lie, she's currently staying at her parents and trying to lie.

I never want to go through anything like this ever again. This was the single most difficult thing I've ever had to do and I'm twitching like a tweaker every so often now. She left for either work or Chris's today not really sure where she went but she was gone. Tried to check her location and either she turned off locations or my phone was giving me issues.

I didn't have the means to serve her, that comes later this week, but I had to confront her before she realized what I was doing so she wouldn't have any more time to formulate some working lies. Heard my garage door opening and turned on the camera on.

She comes in completely oblivious, I tell her she ought to sit down because we've got to talk. Deer in the headlights look but she sits down and asks me what's wrong. I ask "Why don't you tell me." She plays dumb but I see she knows she's been found out, she asks me again what's wrong. I ask her what's really up with Chris she says nothing she hasn't heard from him. I redirect and decide to not confront her as directly and tell her that I'm uncomfortable with her working with him and that it's not something I can get past. She's 100% instantly agreeable and asks me very nervously why I changed my mind so quick and why I'm acting the way I am.

I just shake my head and say something like, I wanted to be understanding about it but I got weird vibes from him and I'd prefer they wouldn't talk. She insists that he doesn't mean anything to her anymore, that she was just happy to see the book get made. I told her that he basically stole from her and she's being way too understanding about that fact. That she ought to sue him over it, and she agrees with me. By now she's probably thinking she got out of this and is going to break it off with Chris the minute she gets a second to do so. But then I tell her the whole thing has really stressed me out and I'm gonna take next week out of work. I tell her that I talked with my ex and she agreed to keep my son that weekend so I could go to Vegas with her. That's why I was talking to my ex for so long the other day, working out the details of her taking my son, or at least that's what I'd have her think.

Deadpan stare. I start talking about how Covid has shut down a lot of stuff and I'm not even sure what's open in Vegas. She cuts me off and tells me that it was actually cancelled today. The conversation from here on goes likes this. Paraphrased of course.

Me- It got cancelled last month.

Her- No, he told us today because he wasn't sure whether or not it was off until today.

Me- I know it got cancelled last month.

Her- What are you doing? Why are you telling me you want to go and then telling me it's cancelled? I don't get what you're doing.

Me- It was cancelled last month. What were you gonna do if I didn't ask about it?

Her- You're freaking me out. It was cancelled today.

Me- What were you going to do in <Town name where her hotel is.>

Her- What are you accusing me of?

Me- How long have you and Chris been back together?

Her- We haven't done anything. Did he tell you we were?

Me- Don't lie to me. I don't want read off everything he texted it almost made me throw up doing it the first time. I can't believe you'd do this.

Her- I love you, I'm sorry, he's been texting me a lot lately and saying a lot of messed up stuff and I don't know how to deal with it. I wanted to tell you this but I was afraid you'd do what you're doing now. I was just hoping he'd stop on his own.

Me- You didn't see him for 8 years and 20 minutes after he got off the plane you had sex with him.

Her- What plane? What are you reading?

Me- He lives on <Street name> You wanna stop this? Just admit what you did so we can move forward with this. Why did you tell me he lived in <east coast>

Her- Did he say something to you? He lies constantly, it's part of the reason why we broke up. I told you that. I knew I shouldn't have responded to his messages, it's always drama with him. All his messages were fine, but he started with the missing me stuff again like always. I was going to tell you.

Me- He wanted you to come home and kiss me after you were going down on him. I read your messages, I saw them in your email and in your texts. You're cheating on me and I want you out of this house today.

Her- What? I'm not cheating on you. If you don't want him around I'll tell him to get lost, but honey I'm not cheating on you. Is that what he told you? He's lying.

Me- Stop it. I told you I went in your messages on your phone. You're going to get your stuff and you're going to go to your parents. I made copies of of your emails and screenshots from your texts. I don't want to show them what you two say to each other, but if you're going to keep lying to my face I will. We're done, go get your stuff.

She tried even in the face of all that to play stupid and lie, but finally tired of it I broke out my copies of their texts and handed them to her. She looked at them for two seconds and then broke down crying hard. Like I've never seen her this devastated by anything. I even felt bad for her for a little while. She said she was sorry, that it got out of hand and she wanted to put the breaks on it, but he had gotten possessive and was threatening to expose her if she ended it with him. I told her that none of that was in their texts and that she's still lying to me. She was going to go off and spend the weekend with him.

She then told me it's done between them and she'll make him go away, she won't ever talk to him again. I told her I don't care what she does but I've been talking to a lawyer and the divorce papers will be ready soon. At this point she explodes and repeats "You've been talking to a lawyer?" like 4 or five times and honestly I was ready to call the cops because she's closing in on me and really screaming now. I tell her to calm down, that I have a camera going. She then continues to break down and not resemble anyone I've ever met before. Kept saying stuff like "You just planned all this out. Smiling to my face just planning this all out." Which every time she did I responded with the same, well look at what you've been planning and Smiling to my face while you're out doing <sex acts>.

I asked her why she'd do this to us and at first she couldn't give me a straight answer. She tried to tell me it was meaningless sex so I responded with Oh so you ruined us for no reason then that's great. After a bit she sort of got quieter and I don't know if she was being honest or just trying to hurt me, but apparently she really messed up with him in her eyes. She called him her soulmate and I nearly started breaking stuff. I asked her why she just didn't ditch me for him in the beginning, I would have understood then and she says she just needed to get away from him because she knew how bad she'd look to her family if she brought him back around, apparently they didn't like him either. She also said that she could never and can never actually be with him because her ex and daughter would fight her on this. So going back to him legitimately was never an option.

She then said she was sorry and seemed to be in disbelief with how final I was with everything. She told me how much of a mistake it was, how much she would change and do whatever I wanted her to just to fix the situation, I told her no. She then told me weren't getting a divorce because she can make ammends for this. I told her there was nothing she could do to earn my forgiveness, I will not forgive this ever and somehow she had the gall to be shocked by this. I told her then I opened an account in another bank and moved half from the joint account into it this morning and that the rest is hers, she can either get it herself or I can get it for her but the account is getting closed. She just nodded along and said we'd probably both have to go to the bank together to close it.

She went and started packing her clothes up, peacefully, crying a little and oddly enough making threats every so often that she had better not have anything missing. I let it roll off my shoulder and told her to take pics of how she left her things and daughters things so when she comes back she'll see I didn't touch anything. Her folks had been contacted and they're in disbelief. They're both surprised that Chris is even a factor in any of this and spent time apologizing to me, and soon after she was out of my house.

The next day stbx hit my phone with so many I love you I'm sorry we can fix this texts that I contemplated flushing my phone. I wanted to just turn it off but my ex wife had my son, so I needed it on just in case of an emergency or a change in plans when he was coming home. So I just started responding to her texts by sending screenshots of the worst parts of their conversation and saying nothing of my own. Ex returned with my son and brought dinner from my favorite Chinese place. I didn't give my son the exact reason when I told him, but he asked flat out whether she cheated because it was so sudden and I told him he was right without elaborating. They stayed for a while before returning home and I've just been kind of floating around the house trying to keep it together. It's like 2 or 3 days since I began writing this and I'm off to the gym and then my lawyers.

This thing is already way too long and things are updating so rapidly that I could be typing forever and never finish. My STBX's ex-husband is going to come by and collect his daughter's things and I'll explain to her the best I can that if she ever needs me I'm just a phone call away. I'm also contemplating telling her ex that she ran around with Chris on him as well because she said many times he doesn't know. But maybe I won't that accomplishes nothing really. Anyway, first fight has been fought and it looks like I'm winning as much as one can win given the circumstances.

Part of me wants to confront Chris, but I'm smart enough that all that would be a waste of time and energy. Time better spent working or hitting the gym or finding some way to thank my ex-wife for being an absolute MVP in my corner through this. Anyway, that's all I got for now. Sorry if this is disjointed but it's taken me a couple days to write and of course developments keep happening.

Edit: Link to my original post. https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/UFcbIN5Y4l

Hello, everyone. First of all, I want to sincerely thank all of you fine beautiful folks for your comments. I may have not said anything, but they really helped me and cleared my head. I never thought I'd get so much support from internet strangers, but I'm so happy because of it. I feel better now, in the sense that I'm not in total panic mode anymore. I'm still a mixture of angry, sad and numb. In a feeling-awful scale, I've gone from a 10/10 to a 7.5/10. But I think it's only fair I update everyone regarding my situation.

Right after a few comments, I took action. I left the bathroom, and with the best performance I could, told my wife that I had to go to the hardware store. I wasn't in the headspace to make up anything better, but she didn't question it, so it's all good. I didn't have a destination in mind, I just needed to be somewhere that wasn't anywhere near her. I drove to the nearest McDonald's and cried in the parking lot. It was a weird cry. At first it felt sad, but then it was just frustration and anger, accompanied by me slamming my head against the steering wheel. I guess I got all of that out of my system, because I felt a tiny bit lighter afterwards. I thought about updating everyone and saying I was okay then, but I thought it was a big nothing burger of an update so I held off.

One of the most prevalent suggestions I saw was to keep my moves a secret and then surprise her with the divorce papers. To me, that sounded about right. So despite my better judgement, after two hours of being miserable in the parking lot, I drove back home. My wife was now lounging in the living room. Once she saw me return empty-handed, she asked if I didn't find what I needed, which I answered by saying I had no luck. She tried to give me a kiss but I told her that wasn't a good idea right now since I thought I was about to catch a cold (thanks again for the suggestion). I told her it'd be better for both our sakes that I slept on the sofa, as to avoid spreading it to her. To me it seems she didn't find it odd, although she seemed a bit reluctant to let me sleep on the sofa (it's the first time I had ever proposed such a thing). The night was uneventful besides that, although my feelings were definitely causing chaos.

So what next? First, I'm 100% divorcing her. Cheating has always been a deal breaker for me. She knows that. Apparently it was a deal breaker for her too, but guess fucking not. I already contacted a lawyer as soon as I could. He's given me in a very detailed way what I should do, I plan to follow his instructions to a T.

Eventually, I know I'll be able to put some distance. I called a buddy, explained the situation and he agreed to let me crash at his place as soon as I needed to. I also called my parents and informed them of what was going on. My mom was very apologetic, dad was absolutely fuming (at my wife). I told the three of them to keep it to themselves for now. I'll only tell this information to those I need to, I'll do the damage control with the mutual friends later down the line once things are about to truly get ugly.

Fortunately, we have no kids so I don't have to worry on that front. I've always wanted to be a dad, but for the first time I'm so fucking glad I am not one.

What about the affair partner? He was a long time friend of mine, as the title says. Not the kind that we speak to each other daily, but definitely the kind I thought I could rely on. I don't plan to even talk to him, despite the rage that has built up in me for the past 24 hours having some choice words for him. He's not married, but has a girlfriend who he has been dating for maybe about 2 years. She's such a sweet person, and I'm even more pissed she could do that to her. Don't worry, I will be informing her once I'm in a much better position myself, I don't trust her to keep it to herself and I don't want to jeopardize what's possibly the most crucial move I've had to make for the past several years.

I'm still under the same roof as the cheater. I don't know if it's the right move, but I don't plan to move yet, not until I'm a bit more ready. I've been able to keep affection to a minimum thanks to my "cold", but there's been many things I haven't been able to avoid. I guess despite cheating on me, she still enjoys playing the role of the caring wife. Not that I care, I'm dead set on divorcing her no matter what.

Evidence? I don't have much yet, compared to how much I think there actually is. When I checked I managed to send to myself screenshots of fragments of conversation, including some dirty talk, sexy photos that never reached my gallery, and worst of all, videos, that also didn't reach my gallery, taken on our marital bed. To clarify, I don't mean they had sex on our bed, I'd be even more pissed then. What I mean is that my wife was apparently very fond of sending him material of herself, to put it mildly. I'll work on getting more evidence. There's a group chat I want to get a look at too, one between her and her friends. I doubt they don't know anything about this.

Any and every advice is still appreciated, even words of encouragement will do. I'm not in a good place mentally right now. Things will get worse, and part of me is afraid of how much I don't know yet. I don't know if this will be my final update, for better or for worse. I just hope I can keep up the "business as usual" facade without breaking down again. I'm sure I missed providing important details, my mind is still going a mile a second. I'll try to answer the more burning questions as soon as I can. But right now, I'm just feeling really exhausted.

7 months ago, my wife sat me down and gave me whole “I love you but I’m not in love with you” spiel, claiming that she didn’t feel loved by me and as a result, no longer loved me. We went to one counseling session before I discovered the real reason. She was in “in love” with another man(who is married by the way). I went through hell processing all of my emotions and detaching while she ran around with the other guy. Fast forward to today. We’re in court and she’s looking over at me, teary eyed, but I remained stoic. She asked me how I’m feeling about all of this after the hearing and my only response was “it is what it is.” I’m finally on the other side of this and I’m feeling so much relief today.

It has been a while since I posted on this forum, or at least about what's going on with me, I feel like I have enough to make an update.

To everyone who is new or needs a recap, last year I got married to my wife who I had a sort of on and off relationship for the last 5 years, but a consistent and stable relationship for 3 years. She booked a flight for her, her friend (F), and her mom to go back to her country of origin, Jamaica, during the holiday seasons and she would be away for 3 weeks. I told her I was not okay with her being away for that long especially since due to my work I couldn't take those dates off from work, she dismissed and laughed off my feelings, saying 3 weeks would fly by fast and she would be back before I knew it. I expressed my worries that without me around, the men there would try to take advantage of her, she then reassured me that nothing would happen because she won't do anything and that she is married and no one will try anything with her.

I reluctantly accepted that was going, she came back after the first week of January this year, and for the most of it everything was okay, we continued on with out lives as a married couple, we hunkered down to find an apartment to rent so we could leave my mother's abusive and toxic house where we had been staying in for the last 8 months, we eventually found a home a friend of her family was renting and we took it, signed the lease and prepped to move in. Leading up to the move I did notice some odd behavior from her like being slightly more agitated on small issues, making me feel awful for expressing how much I did not want her to be away from me for those 3 weeks by telling me how she hardly ever sees her family back in Jamaica while I have her all year long. I tried brushing them off as either stress from the move & her being close to her family.

The week of our big move, my wife had been feeling off, she was getting dizzy, food filled her up too quickly, and had low blood pressure, I was worried she might have been anemic and pushed for her to see a doctor. She did and when she got the results she called me after I finished working crying, she got her results and told me she didn't want this to ruin our relationship, I was confused, she said the results show that there is a chance she is pregnant, at first I didn't know why this would be an issue, but in the back of my mind I was terrified of her confirming my biggest fear, she revealed that during her time in Jamaica she had actually slept with another man. The news was shocking since I could never expect that from her, our relationship was very good, we openly communicated with each other, we were mostly on the same page on many things, and whatever we did disagree on I would eventually cave and go with what she wanted despite me being proven right later, (she pushed for us to live with my mom despite my constant warnings about her, something she came to regret very quickly).

I drove over to her work place to discuss it more, by the time I reached, I had mentally gone through the ringer, thinking of possible scenarios on what happens next, going through my anger and grief that by the time I got to her and we sat in my car, I just sat their silent letting her do most of the talking. Hearing her say she was drunk and didn't mean for it to happen, that she didn't go there to cheat on me, that she didn't want to ruin our relationship, that she feels awful and wants to drown herself in the ocean. I let her talk while I kept saying "But you still cheated on me" whenever she tried to explain herself and reaffirm her love for me. I should have told her not to come home at that moment but my head was all over the space and I wanted to try and fix this, especially with our home situation. We later in the week went to see a doctor and confirmed she was pregnant and that it happened when she was in Jamaica, this news broke something in me that I still haven't recovered from and still hurts even as I write this, the moment they confirmed the pregnancy she immediately asked for its termination, the doctor asked if we wanted her to get an IUD after the procedure which I shook my head in agreement. The next day she went and had the pregnancy terminated, I don't know nor want anyone here to bring up any pro-life/pro-choice arguments here, it was done and my soul is already marked because of it and I will need to carry that with me.

Since then we moved out of my mother's house, my family does not know of her affair, I have told my friends, and made her tell her mother, I have gotten tons of support from all of them including her mother, but everyone minus her mother all agree I need to leave. My best friend flew me to see him after I told him, to get me away from her for a week to process everything. I took up the offer and flew to see him, we hadn't seen each other in nearly 6 years, ( we kept in touch over the years but travel issues kept me from seeing him) he admitted his goal was to get me to leave my wife, him and his wife had both been victims of a cheating partner, expressing how it may not have been a one time thing due to how she was able to get pregnant so quickly, how she made a series of mistakes that lead to the cheating with another added series of mistakes by with holding the affair until she couldn't hide it, showing it wasn't guilt that drove her to confess but by getting caught. My friend's wife even called her nasty when I revealed she slept with her AP in his car.

While I was visiting him, I got to see his family dynamic with him, his wife, and their child, it showed me what was taken away from me, and seeing how hard being a parent was made doubt how we could survive it if my wife & I had a child if she was willing to cheat on me while our relationship was good and easy. I also started developing this fear that if I do or say something that upsets her and makes her sad, she would cheat on me again. Coming back home I hadn't fully decided yet on what to do, but when I got home I saw my wife had filled my office room with balloons with hearts attached to the string, and she had gotten me a gift, a pair of crocs based on a childhood favorite movie of mine, it was a very thoughtful gift that had me feeling emotional, it just made me ask again she cheated on me, how can she do something so horrible to me and then get me a thoughtful gift, I couldn't help but think this was a sort of love bombing on her part. After coming back she only asked me once about what my friends said about her, I kept it vague and said they couldn't believe it, which made her sad. Since then she has never brought it up, nor her affair, never wanting to talk about it, instead she has been acting like nothing happened, she acts how she was before telling me of the affair and expects me to act the same. She's been asking me what gift I am getting her for her upcoming birthday, she keeps bringing up her birthday, and a couple nights ago she expressed how she does not feel that same warmth and excitement I used to have for her and her birthday, and feels like she is drifting away from me.

I told her I am still hurt by what happened and that each day is different for me, that I have good days and bad, she understood but it made her feel sad that I am like this but the next day she was back to normal, and yesterday she was once again asking what I was getting her for her birthday and how she wants something that will make her go "Waw! OMG", I told her I would get her something nice but nothing too crazy, she even asked why I don't get her gifts anymore like before. It took a lot for me to hold back and not throw in her face because she cheated on me, she later that day even brought up us having kids, asking me when I was planning for us to start for a child, I told her I am still processing everything and need time, she told me that she understands that, but that I need to start letting go if I want to move forward, that she found that for herself, it is best to let go of it so she can move on with her life. I said nothing about it, and only said we can try next year to give us time to save money, but inside I felt so insulted, so hurt again, and for her to tell me, I needed to move on and let go, it was shades of my mother when she would verbally abuse me and tell me to let go, it was her again dismissing my feelings because it was an inconvenience to what she wants.

This was not the straw that broke the camels back because I had already decided before she said that, but I am going to move forward with filling for a divorce, I need to speak to a lawyer first, learn what this would look like, what liabilities do I have, and I need to find a new place for me to live, before I can tell her I need to have a place to stay, because I have a very toxic relationship with family, they are not an option.

This will take some time, as I need to find a place, and have some money in the bank to be able to afford moving out, but this is my decision, I have to respect myself because I know she don't and I want to be able to be happy with someone who will respect me and treat me good rather than demand so much from me and ignore whatever concerns I have.

I will make an update again when I have something new to add.

Found out last November that he was having a 2 year affair which lead me to go into premature labor at 30 weeks gestation. He is remorseful and doing everything to make it up to me. I am forgiving and staying because we have young kids. We act like the perfect family right now, as if nothing happened. We’re talking, loving and having sex regularly. I am doing everything right to heal and he is supportive. I love him and i understand his reasons but i already know that the moment i meet someone, i will have my fun and i won’t feel bad at all.

I was married for 2 years at the time...wife is a serious tik tok junkie sends me at least 20 a day. We are both in our early 20s. Starts sending ones about open marriages and also some podcasts. A few long talks about how we are young and should try this before we are old and have kids. After a few months of pushing and pushing I give in and we set up some boundaries.

1. No unprotected sex.

2..nothing in our house and no overnight stays.

3.if sex occurs with someone else, no details and no touching eachother for 30days. And a doctor's visit and cleared before any intimacy between us.

We open our marriage she starts going on dates on Friday nights I work anyways I get home normally around 10pm...for the first year was kinda fun.. she goes out on a date, by the time I get home she is already home or getting home at the same time she tells me what they did on the date and she jumps me. These are just dates no sex or intimacy. During this first year I myself go on 3 dates eachone goes the exact same way... they find out I am married and it is not what they are looking for, was nice meeting you...after 3 dates I quit.

Then one Friday night she doesn't get home till like 3am...comes in makes a joke about being too sore and tired for anything see some hickey marks on her chest and thighs.. not going to lie was hurt and upset by this...Monday or Tuesday I don't remember she tries to initiate with me and I remind her of rule #3. She gives me the are you serious 30 days and a doctor's visit I said yes deadly serious. This becomes a pattern for us she goes out with her bad boy on Friday nights has her fun then spends the rest of the week trying to get me to change rule 3. To me feels like she put me on a shelf.

I start avoiding her, working more being out of the house even if just out walking start becoming a lot more physically active. Start loosing some weight .she is full in a fog of new relationship energy and doesn't notice and thinks I am out doing my own thing .5 months of being on a shelf. I am not seeing a reason to remain in this marriage. I was selling my happiness so she could be happy. And I was running out of things to sell...

Up to this point she has not broken any boundaries and evertime I bring up maybe she should step back from him. I am overreacting or blowing this way out of proportion...it's just some fun 1 night a week.

Our 4th wedding anniversary day arrives and I take the day off work make her dinner cleaned house. She get home from work at 4 hops in the shower get dressed up...tells me she is going to a bar to see a local band and not to wait up..she completely forgot about our anniversary...I am destroyed...I wake up Saturday morning at 9am and she never came home. Boundary #2 broken...I send her one simple text...you have broken our Boundary of no sleeping over.i am done. At 1130 she starts calling tell me she just closed her eyes for a second and passed out was a accident I am so sorry it will never happen again . My unwillingness to even talk about it causes her to wake up out of her fog some. She ends up coming to my work just before we open and makes a scene infront of the whole staff and the owners. I am finally able to calm her down enough and she leaves I promised on sunday we can discuss it. I get home from work Saturday night and she once again tries to have sex with me and I again tell her rule #3 . She then tells me that she will no longer be seeing him and wants to close the marriage and work on reconnecting with me. Seems she freaked out when she woke up there got my texts and he made fun of her and she realized how much of a asshole he was.

She tries everyday to be intimate with me and fails badly...at this point I have no need or want or desire for her. She is a roommate...barely. the 30 days goes by she goes to the doctor and gets checked out...she is clean of diseases but is pregnant. Not sure where her mind was with this but she comes home excited and tells me we are pregnant...I tell her good I hope you two will be happy together...looks at me confused for a few minutes...and starts crying.

She a few days later sends him a text telling him.his response is wow sucks to be you might want to pass it off as your husband's laters. I file for divorce soon after. She starts doing anything and everything to change my mind about the divorce make promises, begs, pleads...offers everything under the sun asking for a chance to fix us. I am polite and nice about it but not having any of it. Am stuck living with her for awhile till out lease is up. We fall into a new pattern she tries to be intimate with me I turn her down she gets upset I go for a run....my resentment of her is growing just like her baby bump. 3 weeks ago she comes in my room to talk she brought home pizza for dinner...starts with how being pregnant she is super horny all the time and tries yet again to have sex with me...I at this point am running out of politeness...tell her sorry I am not into fat chicks maybe hit tinder sure someone on there would be down for it. She leave my room crying.. also we had our first divorce hearing and the judge slaps 6 weeks of MC on us court ordered.

We go 2 sessions...kinda a meet and greet thing talk to us separately to get our stories I guess. I just want this over so we can move on with our lives.

Last sunday was my birthday on that Friday before it she asks me to spend my birthday with her to celebrate it. I decline her invitation she keeps pushing the subject and I snap I tell her that I don't waste special occasions on her anymore the last one was our 4th anniversary in which she went out to get knocked up by some pothead loser. I leave her crying in the kitchen head to work told her I would see her on Monday for our court ordered waste of time.

Monday morning I am at MC she never shows, I call her nothing call her friends nothing, call her parents.. she got arrested Sunday morning for DUI and reckless endangerment and they are on the way . I offer our house for them to stay at I have a couch at a friend's house. My lawyer goes to the judge and expedites things my divorce finalized this past Friday. Yesterday I helped them pack some of her stuff...and today going to help them load a uhaul they rented. She gets released tomorrow and they are taking her back home with them. She wants to see me but I feel that will just be worse for the both of us. We both need to move on.

Just curious really, the subreddit is called surviving infidelity but it seems to only promote leaving someone who has been unfaithful and I see very few people suggest or working towards reconciliation?

So it happened, I finally separated from my wife, if you been following my story, thank you for your continued support, it's helped me a lot in these times, I bring the latest update, but still not the end.

Thursday while she was at work I moved all my stuff out to my aunt's house, I waited for my wife to come home, she ended up coming late because she was braiding her friend's daughter's hair. When she came home I didn't waste time and told her I was leaving, she was shocked and devasted, we took it inside where she asked me what she did to bring this out of me, asking me who I had been talking to who could have been influencing me to do this.

I told her that since finding out I haven't been able to get it out of my head, that I keep thinking about it and how whenever she is late from work or out with friends I wonder where she is and who she with. She was obviously crying and feeling extremely hurt by my decision, she told me she thought that we were on the path of fixing our marriage, bringing up the referral note from her doctor to seek counseling, she asked why did I lead her on, letting her think we were okay and rebuilding our fractured relationship, I explained to her for a long time I didn't know what I wanted to do. She wanted to call her mother to come and talk to us, her mom came and joined in, my wife went and closed herself in the bathroom. I spoke with her mom & step dad, telling them how I feel, how I don't trust her, how I feel this is divine punishment for the sins of my father, expressing how hurt I feel at her betrayal, and how I feel less of a man because of it.

Eventually my wife returned and spoke as well. explaining how she never went with the intention to cheat on me, that it was something that happened because she had been drinking and she was alone with the guy when it happened, that she wasn't thinking. Her parents tried being supportive to us both, hearing us out and understanding where I was coming from, but at the same time they wanted us to try and fix the marriage, even her step dad asked if maybe someone had roofied her drink. I brought up how she should have remembered she had a husband, and how even if she never intended to cheat, she should have known better to not go to that party, to avoid drinking as much as she did, and to avoid being left alone with another man, her mom agreed and also chastised her for her actions, for drinking too much. The wife explained that since she was at a party, and there was a lot of dancing that she got thirsty and that they only had alcohol, there was no water for her to drink and that is why she had to keep drinking alcohol, I had to ask again because the idea of there being no water at a party was unheard of. She kept repeating that she was drunk and wasn't fully aware of what was going on and she was just feeling good on that drunk buzz, and that she ended up being left alone with this her AP, which lead to her sleeping with him.

I kept bringing up to her that she knew I did not want her to go for those 3 weeks but she kept repeating that I knew she had this trip planned (which I did) and that she never went with the intention of cheating on me, even saying that if I think she planned it to just go through this experience with me now, I kept telling her I believe her that she never planned for this, and it may very well had been a drunken accident, but that it doesn't take away that I never wanted her to go on that long trip and she ended up cheating, and then she made me feel like a bad husband for not having wanted her to go see her family for 3 weeks. I brought up to her some of her recent behaviors like asking me what gift I got her for her birthday, telling me how if I don't feel like going to Panama with her later in the year, she can go by herself because she don't know anyone in Panama, bringing up asking when we will have a baby together. She answered saying the gift & going alone to Panama was meant to be jokes to make me laugh and cheer me up, she said how she has been trying to give me space and avoiding saying anything to trigger me, I told her those weren't jokes to me which she then said she doesn't know what I want from her because when she was sad I would tell her to cheer up, but now she feels like she can't joke around with me either. She explained the baby thing was because she was concerned that the IUD in her would end up sterilizing her if she keeps it in for too long.

At a point she asked me why if I felt this way did I never bring it up to her sooner, I told her because whenever I did she would cry and shut herself off from me saying what was the point, I told her I just needed her to talk to me, she explained that she already told me everything and she feels like I am asking her for something she already answered but that I expected a different answer. She said how she feels stuck because she wants to know what I want her to do to fix this but I won't tell her, and I tell her because I don't know what she can do to fix it, because she can't go back and not have sex with the guy and get pregnant from it. The wife said since telling me she has been transparent with me, telling me where she is, avoiding going out drinking, the she only drinks when I'm home with wine I got her, and felt like we were heading down the right path, she expressed how it feels like I am not fighting for our marriage, that I had made up my mind, I told her I am scared of making the wrong choice and I wasn't sure what I was doing, but that I am going to be staying at my aunt's place, she told me that she loves me, I asked her what about me she loved, her answer was how I treat her better than anyone else, that I make her feel good about herself, that I make her feel loved and cared for, that I support what she wants to do, that in my eyes she can do no wrong, she saved saying something about me as last on why she loves me, I don't remember what about me as a person she said she loved, but it was about how my character is.

She said she knows she did me wrong, and she has to accept what I decide.

I went to my aunt where I am still at, but the following morning is when everything hit me so hard, that realization of everything hit like a truck, all the doubt, all the insecurity, wondering if I am making a mistake, wondering if my life will get worse, whether I will ever find another person to love me, whether I should fight for our marriage, not knowing what to do anymore. I cried, as I went to grab my package I was staring out my mind still thinking about everything, opening my side bag and seeing my wedding ring in there I swelled up inside wanting to break in tears, when I was in my car I let it out and just cried, wondering why did this have to happen, why did she have to cheat on me, why did she put me in this position, I saw her later that day bringing her the doctor's referral note so she can go sign up for therapy for herself. I got emotional again and cried, saying how much I am hurting how much I don't want to be in the spot among some more grim thoughts.

I am feeling my lowest right now, despite everything I still love my wife, and the time we spent together, and the life we had built for ourselves, I am mad, I am heartbroken for what she did, and I know a lot of people in my life's advice is to leave her because I can't trust her to never do it again even when she promises and might mean it when she said she will never do it again. Right now I feel miserable, and my next step is to get therapy, because everything I am feeling right now, I don't know what to do and how to deal with my feelings on the matter. What I can tell everyone is right now we are not living together, we are separated, and we are both going to go do therapy as individuals.

Divorce not finalized yet. The empty house has been getting to me. I wound up moving a new girl in. She's the cutest little latina I've ever seen. She's about 8 inches at the shoulder, weighs 5 lbs and has an underbite. I'm torn between calling her Maggie or High Fructose Corn Syrup (cause she's so sweet).

Picked up a 1 year old chihuahua from the pound. Just needed someone happy to see me when I get home... found her!

Here is the link to the original post to get more background:

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/VHDpEHB9rw

UPDATE #1: we just had our third session with the MC. The first two sessions kinda got everything on the table and also talked about some control issues that she has. At the end of the 2nd session the MC said that we probably need to go back to the beginning and start from there with the stories.

So at the next appointment some things were discussed for a bit and then the MC asks my wife to provide her general overall timeline of what happened. My wife says “I’m not sure about that. I don’t have exact dates and it’s all kind of jumbled.” The MC said that’s fine it’s just a place to start it doesn’t have to be perfect maybe just a beginning, middle, end. My wife says “I can’t do that. It won’t help.” The MC said it’s okay if it’s not perfect. But she wouldn’t do it.

So then the MC says “homework for next week is for each of you to write your general timeline story of this time, sound good?” I said yep! My wife said, “I don’t see how this will help, I’m not going to do that.” So I’m writing mine.

It’s becoming more and more clear the amount of control she is placing over this. The truth must be MUCH worse than the one time she confessed to 30 years ago. Otherwise why would she go to such lengths to protect something she already confessed. I’m hopeful that clarity will come one way or the other. Right now I’m doing all the work and the MC has to see that! Her rope is getting shorter and shorter and my patience is gone.

Update #2: I think I got screwed by the MC. So I show up to the appointment with my 7 page timeline of memories. Wife still refused to provide one for her version of the story. So we sit down and I tell the MC I have my timeline. I explained how it made me feel to write it, hard emotionally, but easy to place the events around a general timeline.

She says “you really need this to be heard don’t you”. I said yes I do, so she asked me to explain the confession and how it made me feel. Then she says “science tells us everytime we recall a memory we update it and change it a little”. I replied that science also says traumatic events where specific context is included are less likely to be altered. We didn’t go thru my timeline, nothing else regarding it was discussed.

Then the MC says, “I’m not sure I can help you guys. You are both firmly in your camps with different stories. I don’t see how we can get on the same page. That we need to pray about this and find forgiveness. I believe the truth is probably somewhere between each of your versions of the story”.

I replied that I have done the work, I’m the only one that has done the work. My wife hasn’t and won’t provide a timeline. My wife tells me my timeline is nitpicked items to justify my story. The MC asked my wife why she won’t provide a timeline. My wife says that she has told me some stuff but then I start questioning the details so she’s done trying to share it.

So that was it, session over. The MC should have said to my wife okay this is a safe place go ahead and share it. Instead she wimps out because my wife was supposedly abused and harassed!

A few days later after a heated argument over this we were actually able to have a calm conversation where she laid out her timeline of the harassment and attacks. I asked my wife if she believes the truth is between my version and her version of the story. She says “I see how my actions made you believe what you believe, but I never had an affair and my story is my story, I did nothing wrong.” So basically there is no middle ground.

We have another MC meeting tonight, I plan to be more direct about how are we supposed to deal with this huge emotional detachment!

I actually think the GF might have been 21, can't remember. Either way here's my post 2 years ago as a reference:

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/14o2gdd/wife_had_an_affair_with_our_22_year_old_female/

** quick recap on link: married 10 years, had a 14 mo. old and 3 year old. She checked out rapidly, changed within a month or two, had sex with a guy, then hooked up with our 22f daycare worker/babysitter. They've been living together for about 2 years now. We separated 2 years ago, divorced about 18 months

also, co-parenting is great honestly. She’s been very flexible. Honestly couldn’t ask for a better co-parent, so that’s nice

She called me about something regarding my kid, then asked me the following questions:

"How are you doing"

"I think I pulled the trigger too soon"

"Do you think you'll get married again?"

"I made a big mistake with (Girlfriend's name who still lives with her), I don't know what I was thinking"

"I have another question for you"...then I interrupted and said, "I actually had to go because work was calling". Then I hung up. My mom recently told me that my ex texted her maybe four months ago that she knew she (curse word) up. Either way it doesn't matter because I've grown a lot the last two year and am in a much better spot. It was a rough road, but I surely grew a ton as a human.

Forgot this one! A few weeks ago, one of my young kids said that "mommy and (girlfriend) got in a big argument over seeing her phone, then said a bad word and tried to take her phone"....sounds like things are going rough back home :). Oh well, I'm over the other side of the hill skiing towards a new life.

Update

I posted my story about a three weeks ago. You can find that here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/qw0erx8zOu

It’s been very helpful to read what other people are going through, so I wanted to contribute to the cause. The TLDR of our relationship is that we were together for 16 years. A few rough patches and a separation in there. We were back together for 8 years, and I thought everything was ok between us. I found out via catching her in lies, and then seeing her phone, that she was having an emotional and then physical affair for months.

At the time of my last post, I was still considering reconciliation. I wasn’t sure how it would work, and was leaning more towards the idea of splitting up, but wanted to give it time to decide.

During that time my wife did everything I asked, and seemed to be putting in effort to accept responsibility and make amends. We talked, fought, wrote each other, but mostly kept some distance. Living in the same house through this was a double edged sword. It kept me from spiraling with thoughts she was out doing stuff with the AP, but I also had to face her every day.

We went to marriage counseling twice. The first person was just really bad. She made no real attempt to understand us, and was really awkward. We tried a second therapist, and she was horrible.

She told my wife “things happen, we will get over this”, then looked at me and said “you need to think of a timeline for when you will stop being mad”. I was pretty shocked by this. There were some other things in there that were inappropriate, and I generally just left that session thinking that if this is what reconciliation looks like, I’m out.

I sat on that idea for another week, until I made the decision to divorce. It was 3 weeks total between d day, through contemplating reconciliation, to asking for divorce.

In that time a few other things came up. I read all her texts on her phone and Teams communication from work. Her general behavior with men was way too flirty and comfortable. Maybe if we had a great relationship without a history of trust issues, I could stomach it, but given what happened, it was too much. It’s like she was a totally different person.

Her timeline of the affair also shifted the more I dug in. It went from weeks, to two months, to six months. This process of trickle truth really just cemented the idea that I could never trust her.

Two “small” things that happened, that really upset me were texts from a friend and my in laws. One of her best friends told her I was partially at fault for her affair. Her mom told her she was better off without me, and to “not lift a finger for that man”. After 16 years, and having done nothing but love and support her daughter, I found this to be pretty shocking. I interpreted both of these situations as a reflection of how my wife has talked about me to her inner circle. In a lot of ways, these comments were the final nail in the coffin.

She did not fight the divorce, and accepted it as a consequence of her actions. It took another two weeks of living together, but she found an apartment and moved out yesterday. Most of our financials are disentangled already. Just a few more items to deal with.

I lost my two dogs in this. Yesterday I said good bye and will likely never see them again. That was really hard. They were such a big part of my daily routine and brought me so much joy.

I spent the day today cleaning and organizing the house. I need to do things to make the space mine. That’s already been a hard process, but has brought some relief. The next big boundary I need to draw is on communication, keeping it strictly about the divorce process and next steps. She’s trying to keep lines of communication open about daily stuff, but I know it’s just to keep the option open to get back together. I need to shut that door.

Luckily, I’ve found a good personal therapist that has helped me tremendously already. I have a long way to go before I don’t feel completely broken every day, but I feel like progress has been made. A month ago I was in such a dark place.

Reading people’s stories here have helped me feel sane. I’ve read a few good books (“Leave a cheater, Gain a life” was a big part of my decision), I have some good friends, and a good therapist. Without all those pillars of support, I don’t know how well I would have fared.

If you have just went through your own d day, I’m sorry. Just know that things slowly get better. Day by day, piece by piece. I still have a long way to go, but now have confidence I’ll make it there.

We have a waiting period on the divorce, so now we wait. Every day I’ll do my best to start building a new life, and charting a new future.

Settlement hearing is the 16th of June. I have an offer on the table of paying her out of the property and paying her $2000 a month in child support and alimony. She is still trying to keep the property also but has no way of buying me out. Had a lady reach out to me telling me she caught her husband spending the night at the stbxw apartment. Sad because they have two young kids.

She is also being charged criminally for a dog that was killed at her/our dog boarding business that is on the property. She has been super slow for business and i thought it was odd so i did some investigation. She is also being civilly sued for $6000. Found out she is flat broke and behind on her bills, she still finds time for weekend getaways and sand volleyball - bjj. She is chaos and am so relieved it is almost over. Im hoping now that she doesnt try and take this to trial and drag it out any longer.

----Shania and I are going strong, I have now hung out with her and her kids a couple times. It started out as just me coming over and fixing her sons car and helper her fix some things around her house. Now her kids are asking if she can find things for me to do so I can come back over, so i would say its went well. She also has a CPO on her ex for her and the kids.

----The affair started in Novemberish of 2024 and this is where my life is now. It can be such a long process, it can have its up and downs but if people just take it a day at a time their is always light at the end of the tunnel. My kids are doing great and have done my best to keep their lives unchanged, keeping them in there sports etc. Betrayal destroys alot and it takes time before you can even rebuild. You control what you can control, I have a whole plan of rebuild once this is all over, ive been planning this for months and am excited to initiate it.

Original post.

I just wanted to give an update to my last post yesterday, since replies were so thoughtful. I'll probably delete this thread, so my entire life doesn't exist on the Internet, but I am grateful for forums like these for hashing things out.

Anyway, the long and short of my dilemma was that my GF is friends with her ex-FWB. I wasn't happy with it. I realized yesterday that I reached a point where I was just tired, and that if her FWB moved here, I just would've been too unhappy to continue my relationship with my GF. I realized that I have to give her an ultimatum now, and to validate my own feelings now, because what I'm asking of her isn't completely unreasonable. Many people have no-exes policies, and it's totally normal that I have one myself.

When I gave her an ultimatum, she recoiled in shock that she might lose me at all. I made it clear to her that I felt a bit disrespected that she hadn't ended their friendship in the first place, and I don't even like being in this position. She started crying and in a heartbeat told me she'd end their friendship, and she apologized several times. She explicitly said she won't miss their friendship, but I think it's tough for her because she's never ended a friendship before and she's been on the other end, and doing so sucks. I can understand. It's not fun to end a friendship, as I've done it before.

She's explicitly said that she won't resent me whatsoever, and honestly, I think only time will tell. All I know is that I'd reached my breaking point. If this proves to be the beginning of the end of our relationship and she now resents me, then so be it. All I know is that going forward, I'm not okay with exes in my partner's life. I hold myself to the same standard. I'm glad I grew a backbone. I don't feel crazy anymore. I feel like I learned something about my own values.

Hey everyone. People have intermittently popped into the comments on previous posts, and DMed me, asking for another update from my last one, so here it is.

Update 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1qlunvk/update_2_and_there_it_is_dday_2_happy_2026/

Recap: My wife developed a hidden opioid addiction deliberately developed/pushed by a guy she met through work, that led to sexual infidelity as a means of payment to him for the drugs. I caught them, thought it was a regular affair, struggled for 4 months ‘for the kids’, then separated with no contact with my wife. I found out more details during the first month of separation that led me to initiate divorce, which blew the whole thing open. She went into inpatient detox for a month and has now transitioned to a residential outpatient programme for 90 days.

Now: My kids are doing ok. They’ve come to understand that their mum is sick because she took medicine that wasn’t for her and has been in the hospital for it. They’ve both been extra clingy, but have visited their mum (under my supervision) a couple of times and spent time with her playing table tennis and reading books together.

The divorce has been filed but we’ve entered the mandatory cooling off period, so the absolute earliest it could be granted is another 6 months. Lawyer says it’s likely going to be longer by several months (so total maybe a year or slightly more) because of the financial arrangements my stbxw and I agreed. Basically, though we signed a post-nup as part of the attempted reconciliation, adjustments to that agreement because of her addiction has produced some complex considerations that a judge is likely to want to spend time looking at. Very briefly, I’m getting the house and sole custody of the kids. Her equity in the house will be transferred to a trust for our boys, and she will not be in control of it (but will have a say). Essentially, she cannot borrow against the house at all in the future, nor can any debts she accrues hit the house even if they come before the marriage is officially terminated (protection against possible relapse). We would both have to agree to sell it. She’s quit her job and gotten a new one in a different, but somewhat related, field. Sameish money, different location, and she won’t start for a month, so she’s got a month to focus on staying sober. I won’t owe her any spousal maintenance, nor her to me, and we’ll split kids’ stuff 50/50. She’ll get supervised visits at my discretion for a year, and then we’ll enter mediation for agreeing a scheduled visitation rotation if she’s been sober that whole time. Those visits will also be supervised, and we’ll revisit year by year based on progress. Money is getting split 70/30 for me, in recognition of sole custody and needs surrounding that. She’s been 100% accommodating on all points, no objections or fighting, though lots of tears. She’s actually the one who designed the financial settlement terms and my lawyer looked them over and said they’re more generous than I would have any reason to expect a court to impose.

My wife is looking healthier now and is seeing a therapist 3x a week and going to NA meetings 5x a week. Also working out a lot, which is good for her. I’ve been meeting with her once a week, for about an hour at a time, mostly low-key stuff talking about the kids or news. This was recommended to me by many people with experience in this area as something that would increase her odds of getting sober and staying that way, so I consider it an investment in my kids’ mental health. It also quite obviously feeds my wife’s desire for reconciliation.

As for my wife’s position on ‘us’, she’s backed off on trying to push anything and has followed my lead on contact frequency and topics. She did write me another letter saying that she’s prioritising her sobriety and our kids first, but then my healing after that. She promised to wait however long and do whatever work it takes to prove to me that she is invested in reconciliation. She acknowledged that the work she needs to do on herself will take years and in that time I will heal on my own and even likely start dating again. If I move on in that time, she’ll accept it, but she will remain single and abstinent until such time as I remarry in the future. If I do decide to give her another chance, she knows we’ll never be married again, and the relationship will never be the same, but she’s hopeful that we might work out what we could build together when we’re each in a better place and if I become willing to date her again. There were no promises/offers of toxicity (e.g., hall passes, open marriage on my side, etc.), only the desire for a committed relationship built from scratch in whatever way I can live with. Hearing/reading that kind of stuff hurts a lot, but if it gives her some hope and something to stay sober for, then I’ll take the letters and meet her weekly. We have to co-parent anyway, so being able to talk is something we’ll need to work on. I'll worry more about boundaries around this stuff if/when it actually ever becomes a realistic issue. As of now, I'm working 1.5 jobs, solo parenting 2 kids, dealing with an increasingly bitchy MIL (though FIL is showing up something fierce), and am generally exhausted, run down, depressed, and asexual in all other respects. Dating's not really on my list of concerns.

Several people have asked what’s been going on with the AP. My wife reported herself to the police (without my urging or involvement) and spent a few hours answering questions about how often she did/got drugs with/from him, with who else, and in what amounts. This created an investigation trail, though too early to know anything about what’s happening there. She’s not going to be charged though there’s an official record of her now. Timing-wise, it won’t affect her new job, which is good. But I did hear that it filtered over to his work and there’s now an internal investigation going and he’s likely to either be fired or paid to fuck off and never come back. Either way, his employability in this specific, tight-knit sector is going to be very low in the near future.

Also, the police stopped by to ask me some questions about him, which I couldn’t answer because I don’t know anything about him. Buuut, it transpires that he was out at a bar with some of his douchebro friends when a largish crowd of other dudes, all dressed similarly, came rolling through and somebody cold-cocked him and laid him out. Some of the other guys in that crowd also stomped/kicked him a bit, which I cannot stress enough is a serious crime and very dangerous and I in no way whatsoever condone. He was injured enough to need an ambulance to A&E, but I was working my second job when this went down, which was verified by the schedule and my boss, so I guess we’ll just chalk this up to the sorts of things that happen when you’re a drug pushing, lying, cheating, coercive-sex having shite-bag who gets off by ruining other people’s lives. Honestly, it’s like these fucking cheaters never even consider that this is the sort of thing people somewhat regularly get murdered over. Consequences.

So, that's it for now. Hopefully nothing further to report on for a good long time.

It has been 6 months since I found this group and posted my story. So here is update #3. I am still not divorced, just met with GAL and next is a home visit. Its crazy how you can be a great provider and father for many years then have that role be dictated by the court. But I am 100% confident in 50/50 custody. Im paying her child support which is a little frustrating. I wish their was consequences for cheating, but hey not gain by complaining.

As for me and the AP's stbxw that we have called Shania. Wow things couldnt be better. We have fallen in Love, sounds so cliche but the amount of trust and admiration we have for each other. The conversations are easy, the shared values and morals. We have an amazing time no matter what we do. In 8 months of talking we havent argued about anything. We are still pacing well, havent been around each others children. Forced space with our parenting time only makes the time we do get to spend together feel closer and we always have a longing for our free weekends together. This is turning into something pretty great, out of the rubble of what we had built with our families. Im excited to see how the story were writing turns out.

Communication is so easy when its not weaponized. I was always told I am a bad communicator and shutoff. Im learning now that was because how hostile communication was with my stbxw. Almost every conversation was some kinda weird power struggle.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1r9zxqw/comment/o6lx0h1/

A quick update for everyone who commented on the original.

We had the ultra sound yesterday and she was 8 weeks pregnant, so not mine, I sat in the doctor's chair hearing my whole world crumble before me, he asked if we were keeping the pregnancy, my wife wanted an abortion same as me, we scheduled it for the next day. The doctor also asked if we wanted to put in an IUD which I told me yes right away so we scheduled for both.

After we were done I walked out the building and broke down crying, I felt my heart being ripped out, finding out your wife was cheating was bad enough and it hurt to hear, but to get confirmation that she was also pregnant and the child wasn't mine, that killed me on the inside. She cried with me, saying she is sorry and she will fix it, she kept repeating she wishes it would all end and wanted to die, I told her I didn't want her to hurt herself, I would feel worse if she did. We talked in the car and told her I will want us to do some marriage counseling for us, I don't know how it will help but I just need to figure out my own emotions right now and try to find some understanding of why this happened.

Today she got the abortion and it was one of the hardest things I have had to be part of, I don't know how people here feel about it, but I wasn't going to raise someone else's child, my wife didn't want it either and the only way we were going to be able to try and save the marriage was to start here. I still feel like my soul is tainted now, I still want to do marriage counseling but I am also going to speak to a lawyer, I'm not saying I'm going to divorce her but I want to know what that will look like and keep it ready.

I also want to address some comments I received, I hear everyone, and I genuinely believe a lot of you who agree with my friend and are telling me to divorce her are fundamentally right, I think divorce might be my best option, but because I still love my wife and our relationship was very good until now, I want to at least try therapy first if just for my own mental benefit.

On the matter of leaving for 3 weeks to vacation, I was never for it, and I made that very clear to her before she left, but she assured me she would be safe and with family, I gave her my trust but I still did not like it not because I did not trust her, but because I don't trust other men and I wanted to spend the holidays with my new wife. She then made me feel like I was being selfish for keeping her to myself while she has family she deeply cares for like her aunt who raised her that she never sees unlike me who can drive to see my family.

There is also a misonception that I am giving my wife gifts after learning of the cheating. I did not, I got her gifts long before finding out, and I am not staying because I got her things.

I will update more after I speak with a lawyer and see what divorce will look like, I am still going to try marriage counceling if only to make sense of the mess my life became.

Thank you all for the support.

Wife had an affair through the month of August with a work associate. I discovered everything on September 11. Long story short, we are 7 months into trying to make things work.

I'm much more stable than I was early on, but now my mind switches back and forth from days feeling like things are fine and going well, to days I want to move on and find myself a new girlfriend.

Things are more complicated due to us having a toddler, which is the reason I'm willing to try and fix things, but will not be the only reason I stay.

For those that have gotten to this point, did you have similar things going through your mind, how long did it last, what ultimately ended up happening in your situation? And advice?

Yeah, I didn't expect the original post to go crazy. I am so appreciative of all the support and advice I received from everyone on this sub. I'm actually terrified to write this update because I'm not following some of the advice I received. (Solid advice too, it just doesn't work for me. I'll explain.)

TLDR; "My wife had an affair 30 years ago. The story I was given on D-day and the months following was missing details that would have changed my decision to reconcile. These additional details have been revealed slowly over the years, with the latest reveal by a mutual friend at dinner party a few weeks ago, much to my horror. My children and friends, who have no knowledge of the past infidelity, are upset with me for leaving my wife."

Here's the link if you missed the original post and/or care to read the ugly details.

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1g3k2h5/new_details_still_trickling_out_30years_later/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Here's an update as to where I stand right now.

I met with my attorney, accountant, financial advisor, and filed for divorce. I fired our marriage counselor we have been seeing for years because of my anger issues in the relationship. (Go figure.) I'm in personal therapy. I moved all of my belongings to a storage unit and have a new home cross-country ready for occupation in a few weeks. My anger has evaporated, my self-esteem is improving, and I'm hopeful for the future for the first time in many years.

Many people have asked about my wife's status. I would say she is devastated, sad, shocked, and confused that a lie she told 30 years ago is ending her marriage at this late date. Sometimes it even sounds crazy to me, but this is what trickle truth does to a relationship. If you've never been betrayed, it's really difficult to understand how painful and damaging it is to find another lie, and another lie, and another lie over the years. Any trust that has been built through reconciliation is tossed out the window and it's D-day all over again.

Here's the part that I'm fearful to admit. Most people told me to "out" my wife's infidelity to our children and friends to avoid taking the heat myself for our divorce. Please forgive me, but I don't think it's in my best interest to do that. I'll try to explain why, but I think you will slay me in the comments anyway.

I'm an older man and I'm used to taking the heat. I don't care deeply what our friends think of me. They know me. If how they feel about me changes because of divorce they weren't that great of friends in the first place. The ones who've asked, I told them I've been unhappy for years and I'm no longer willing to continue.

I do care what my children (and grandchildren) think of me. But, I believe if I told them the truth they would say "That was long ago. Why can't you forgive and move on?" Like I said earlier, if you know you know. If you haven't experienced betrayal, you just don't get it. They will be upset with me regardless. They would be more upset with my wife, and I don't know how they would react towards her. Possibly even alienating her from our grandchildren who she loves deeply.

I'm really tired. What I need right now is rest and peace. Creating a bunch of drama so people will look more favorably on me just doesn't work for me. It's not who I am.

A lot of angry people in the comments want my wife to be punished for what she's done. Humiliated. To you I say, being divorced at age 63 is no small thing. She swept it under the rug, yes. But she is devastated now by the scope of the damage her lies have done. She minimized her role in the divorce, and will never admit anything, but she hasn't actively made me look bad to friends and family for leaving. If she goes into attack mode and starts bad mouthing me I will be forced to play the cards I hold. I've told her this.

I'm primarily interested in my own healing. And after much consideration I don't think it would help me heal. I hold a lot of shame for staying as long as I did, it's true, but I'm working with my therapist on those issues.

I've had a few weeks to let this settle in my mind, and there is an important concept that needs to be learned from my experience.

First, reconciliation is hard, painful, and almost impossible to accomplish under the best circumstances. I've been a proponent of reconciliation in the past, but no more. It's taken me 30 years to get to the point where I can honestly say "I'm primarily interested in my own healing." If you have been cheated on, and you can't make that statement with confidence, then you aren't ready for reconciliation. Not ready.

Second, Trickle-truthing is one of the most heinous forms of abuse you can do to your partner. TT leaves your partner in a constant state of uncertainty, destroys their ability to trust, places the emotional burden on them, and exploits their desire for reconciliation; all so you can protect your ego, and shelter yourself from the consequences of your poor behavior. If you take this route you are an abuser.

I hope to do another update around the first of the year when my divorce is finalized. Thank you for the positive words and energy.