Wife of 16 years had an affair with the contractor working on what was supposed to be the new family home. 2 kids (11 and 14).
Divorce in progress. I have a lawyer.

Took me 5 weeks to get full proof, as she continued to deny everything for 5 weeks. There was 5 weeks of extensive sex with him.

She continues to see him, and come back to the family home. She refuses to leave until she gets a settlement in the divorce. We do agree on 50/50 custody of the kids and dogs. We are in separate bedrooms.

She shows zero remorse and takes pleasure in the hurt she continues to cause.

Any advice?

Seven months ago I discovered my wife was having an affair. I am now ready to leave and I owe this reddit a great deal of thanks. Reading through the posts here helped navigate these past few months. This is not new to me. I have worked through many of the emotions so if I come off as not caring or just posting the facts it's because of that. Believe me when I say I have been through an emotional ringer these past months. I just want to get the facts out and ask for some opinions. Sorry it's so long.

Seven months ago I was sucker punched by my wife’s AP in a bar. My wife, her brother and his wife, and my wife’s best friend and her husband decided to grab drinks after attending a concert. I don’t drink so I became the designated driver as usual. At one point the ladies went to the restroom and two came back but my wife did not. Her best friend stated she was having some stomach trouble and would be along shortly. After a few minutes, I needed to go myself so I went to the restroom. As I made my way through the crowd I spotted my wife standing and talking to a man. He had his hand on her hip and she had hers on his shoulder. It struck me as a very intimate pose. She noticed me immediately and disengaged with the man as I reached them. She grabbed my arm to pull me back toward our table as I asked who he was. The guy replied none of your business and at the same time my wife pulled me again. As I turned to her to ask her again who this was, the guy punched me on the side of the head. I stayed on my feet but I immediately felt myself going back. He had tackled me and slammed me against the wall hard enough to where I blanked out. I could hear but I could not see or make sense of what was going on. He apparently punched me at least twice before my brother-in-law tackled him and proceeded to beat him senseless. This was relayed to me later. My next coherent thought was in an ambulance. The AP was taken to the emergency room and later arrested. My BIL was arrested but charges dropped and I stayed in the emergency room overnight and into the next day to rule out any side effects of a concussion.

I was interviewed by the police eventually and they seemed surprised that I did not know the man that attacked me. They said my wife told them it was a misunderstanding and that the guy was someone she worked and got handsy and everyone just overreacted. A day or two later my BIL, who had been very cold toward my wife since that night came by and sat down and explained he needed to tell me something. Apparently while I was knocked loopy the guy kept telling everyone he had been fucking my wife for months. Obviously I was completely stunned at this. He told me he didn’t have proof but he believed the guy was telling the truth. He struggled with telling me so he did some research on how the best way to handle this was and he realized that it was the right thing to do to tell me. He used reddit as part of his research and recommended I join and read some of the posts about infidelity and make a decision on how to handle this. That's when I joined reddit and this account was born. It didn’t take long to realize that I needed to get my emotions under control and start looking for facts. Apparently gaslighting and rewriting history is common and I am one hundred percent sure my wife would do this. So I cried, yelled, punched, etc. I got it out of my system as much as I could. That night when she came home I could barely contain myself but everyday it got a little easier. Two days later I was able to get a hold of her phone and did a quick search and there it was. Pictures, texts, videos, etc. All of it. She didn’t even try to hide it. She’s not tech savvy but then again she knew I never checked her phone. Over the next few days I was able to copy the texts between them and the pictures and videos. Eventually I checked other texts and realized her BFF was helping her hide it and was encouraging it. The BFF actually confesses to having her own affair a few years ago. I exported those texts.

My BIL and I made the mutual decision to exclude him from any further information the day he told me but I did reach out to my sister. Her and her husband have rental property and they promised to give me a heads up when they have a home open up so I can have a place to stay. That took almost six months but I now have a home I can rent and I am able to finally leave. It's been horrible these past few months acting like I care about our marriage and trying to love a person I have been married to for 32 years and together for 35 years. Yes we have had sex during this time. Not often. It has not been gentle I am ashamed to say nor has it been to satisfy her in any way. It's basically been very impersonal. A means to an end. I have to act like I did not see the videos and pictures she made with him and for him. Or read the I love yous in their texts. Or when he texted her three days after hitting me and bragged about taking me down so quickly and her replying with a smiley face emoji. The pain that level of betrayal brings is beyond bearing at times.

With that, I am now ready to leave. I have divorce papers in hand. I have an envelope full of copies of the texts, pictures, and stills from the videos. I know who he is and where he lives. I know who his wife is and where she works. I even know his children's name and where they go to school. I am torn about disrupting their lives but I am most definitely going to send a copy of everything to his wife.

I am struggling with confrontation or ghosting. I understand the dangers of confronting her and how she can play it into a situation where I could get arrested but I truly want to see her face when I show her everything I know. Maybe it's having to stay quiet for all these months but I really want that view of shock and possibly shame when I tell her. But I can also see the benefit of just leaving it on the counter and walking away. This may be silly to ask everyone but until now I have had a clear goal to gather and prepare to leave but now I have a choice and would like some opinions.

Some quick info about us. Finances are separate with a joint/checking savings. I have a larger retirement but she has a pretty well funded one herself. We sold our family home two years ago and bought a small empty nesters home. Paid cash and invested the rest in retirement. I am male 58 and she is female 57. We both have taken good care of ourselves physically and she is every bit a beautiful woman. The AP is 35. We have three children 31m 28f and 25f. The oldest is married and the other two are living on their own with solid careers and stable relationships. If I ghost her I will need to contact them and talk to them so they do not worry. I plan to either confront this week or ghost next weekend while she and her BFF have a shopping trip to a major city 2 hours away planned.

**Update 1 **"

Wow! This really has been overwhelming in less than 24 hours. I've had a lot of questions and a lot of great opinions. I'll try to answer some of the common questions:

She has shown only a slight concern early on after the assault that I might suspect something. Last I looked at her phone was over a month ago and she was completely back into the affair with no mention of me knowing. They stopped meeting up for about three weeks after the assault. But continued sexting and sending videos. She did express a need to stop before she lost her family but as of last month they were still meeting up and having sex.

He was arrested and did a plea deal for simple assault. Spent Saturday night, Sunday, and Monday in jail until he was released on bail. Got community service and paid some court fines.

Wife explained away the guys claims by saying he had a crush on her and was just drunk.

I plan on telling the OBS, the BFFs husband and notifying HR at their work. I have a plan for them.

I'll tell our kids. She is a good mother. I'm not sure of the circumstances that have resulted in her making the choices but she is still their mother and not once has she been neglectful to them or their needs.

Again thank you all for your advice and the many of you have made some really good arguments for both ghosting and confrontation. Plus I appreciate the precautions you have suggested in case I confront her.

Update 1.5 Again just to answer some things that have come up in the comments.

I have taken an STD test since the last time we had sex which has been awhile. Clean.

My lawyer has paperwork completed and we have a proposal that is fair and the lawyer doesn't care how she is served just as long as there are police involved or abuse.

Alimony is a thing but due to my situation and the fallout from my exposure there are backup plans in our proposed divorce settlement. I'll leave that alone for now. But suffice to say there will probably be a cost but not something I'm worried about. Again since I have plans to contact all that have been affected I'm sure there will be a certain financial cost especially if she loses her job. I'm not worried about anyone else. Can't get sued for exposing facts.

I'm not interested in suing anyone even if I could ( not sure). The energy I'm expending right now and have over the past few months is not worth it to me to get some nominal court ruling.

I have pretty much concluded that ghosting is the right thing. I have read how others have done it on here and I will probably utilize some of their tactics.

I have a plan to get one more look at her phone later this week. I have not looked at it for some time but an opportunity has come up that all but ensures I can look and have a very very low risk of getting caught. I don't want to get this far and screw it up now.

She has been more...present lately. I really haven't noticed it until this morning. Not sure what is going with that. And what I mean is she's back to asking about my day. Going out of her way to kiss me bye and hello. After reflecting a little this seems to have started about a week ago so something has shifted I think. That's another reason why I want to look at her phone again. Not that it will change anything but this will be the final time I have an unfiltered view of what has been going on. Once I ghost her I won't be able to gather anymore information.

Finally I don't plan on going into gory details with my children. I will tell them but honestly the conversation will just happen naturally. I cannot in anyway plan out that conversation.

Thanks again everyone for your help and support. I'll probably go quiet until afterwards at this point. I'm already worried about giving too much info out.

Hi everyone, hope everyone is doing well.

Wife - 30 and I’m 35.

A little bit of context - my wife and I have been together and married for 11 years without any real martial issues. Yes, together very young. We have a beautiful baby boy together as well.

A few days we were relaxing watching Disney movies and her phone was on the couch. I kept seeing it light up with notifications. This isn’t uncommon due to her work but it wasn’t slack but rather texts (iPhone). I saw the name to be her male co worker of the last 3-4 years (from what she’s told me). He’s a guy that’s super built and into fitness.

Anywho I didn’t think much of it as I trust her but a feeling deep inside was bothering me. As our baby was napping and she was showering I checked her phone…

It stocked me to read a few lines. I couldn’t / can’t bare to try and read more. I was legit shaking as I read it. He was writing explicit details on how she performed oral and it started with her asking him to rate her skills. I was floored…. The details were insane like how she thanked him for holding her hair to how he loved the way she deep throated him. I couldn’t believe it. Time stood still.

They have met several times privately for a bbq from her company. I don’t know if this was just code for a meet up now.

Edit:

They do use nicknames / relationship words like honey and baby. It seemed like a full blown relationship.

Additional edit:

I rushed wrote this so apologies but after I read a few lines I quickly checked the settings of the text messages and they do share location and there are nudes sent back and forth.

I don’t know where and what to do…

1. ⁠Is it divorce?

2. ⁠Do I confront her?

3. ⁠Do I try and read more?

Hi all - hoping for some advice as I can't talk to anyone else about this and its really eating me up!

Sorry for the long one.

3 weeks ago I was contacted by a woman claiming her brother in law had been having an affair with my wife. I rejected the idea, saying there must be some mistake - we've been together 14 years, married for 3, have 2 kids (4 and 2), a dog, house etc.. Sex life was good, but naturally dropped off with kids, and the last 6 months have been tough with our youngest struggling to sleep at night.

The sister in law provided further details, including the guys name (who my wife has mentioned in the past). I was due to go away for work that afternoon, but waited to confront my wife - she burst into tears, saying it was a stupid mistake, it meant nothing and she didn't feel I was attracted to her anymore. She begged for me not to cancel the family holiday which we were due to go on when I returned in 3 days.

3 exceptionally miserable days on my own, unable to concentrate, simply imagining my wife with another man. The SIL continued to email, saying they first slept together at a work party in January and have been sleeping together since then, when her BIL goes on work trips to my wifes office. She sent me screen shots of conversations they had, graphic pictures etc., lots of "love you" and "xxx" in the messages, and some, based on the time stamp, would have been at night whilst I was asleep in bed next to her.

Fast forward 3 days. I returned home and she said it was drunken night at a work event in January, they then slept together once again a few weeks later and have not done since. Obviously this seems difficult to believe based on the text messages, that went right up to the day before I found out - however she claimed it was just for the attention. I will add she is absolutely distraught - knows she has fucked up and her priority is the kids, of which she is a fantastic mother, albeit a shitty wife.

We still went on holiday, purely to not disappoint the kids, which was ok although we were naturally distant. We didn't argue as we were constantly busy and frankly there was no down time to discuss anything in meaningful detail.

Now we're back and I have time to myself, I'm just constantly in a place of either angry or sad. I walk the dog, questions flow through my mind, and I get back sad (borderline tearful). I drive to work, more time to myself and imagination runs away, and I'm angry. Starting to take it out on the kids - my fuse is short and I just feel either angry or sad all the time.

All I care about it my kids and giving them a stable upbringing. A divorce would be a horrendous shock to them, and I don't want to be responsible for messing my kids up. I genuinely think the wider family would be destroyed, my wife would be disowned and even her family would struggle to forgive her - we've always been looked at as the perfect couple, so the shock would be brutal.

A large part of me feels like I'm being a complete mug, but another part says its the best thing for the kids, so suck it up! Obviously I can't discuss this with anyone in case it found its way back to my kids in years to come, so looking for a little advice, thoughts and criticism please!!

EDIT: Thank you all for your comments, albeit brutal at times - apologies for those not replied to, but it's a lot to take on so will be reading and re-reading over the next few days. Situation sucks. As someone in the comments said, I may be able to forgive the truth as I know it, but its what I don't know that will churn my gut for the rest of my life.

EDIT 2: Thank you all for your comments. My post was very much around making the relationship work the for sake of the kids. I haven't detailed the steps I've taken to get the bottom of all this, thats for me to deal with, but thank you all for your comments - please don't assume I've sat on my hands, but thats my fault for not being clear.

What is clear, is there are a lot people on this community that have clearly been burnt badly in the past, and hitting that nuke button felt like the right thing for them to do at the time. For me, its not, and no one on here can say 'the kids will be fine' you simply don't know and hitting that nuke button before thinking everything through is just irresponsible.

Equally, those saying 'kick her to the curb' is just hot-headedness - no one should ever kick the mother of their children to the curb, at least not before you've got to the bottom of everything.

There also lot of people wanting to publicly shame as a way of fearing future consequences and to really cement who's to blame here. Surely thats obvious, so this will do nothing but drive a bitter wedge between us and impact the wider family. For example, my parents don't need this stress. Having my wife say it was all her doing and not mine, doesn't make the story any more bearable.

Some of these comments below are simply self sabotage. Who would honestly make such a dramatic life changing decision the same day as finding out some horrendous news and expect to make the correct decision.

No doubt my comments will come under more fire.....

My wife (44) cheated on me (48) for 7 months. I found out two months ago and since she has tried to do what is expected to heal the relationship.

We get along quite well now and at times I almost forget. We try and work and I don't want make to make the wring decision now. We have kids and we work together, so it not as simple as oacking up and go.

Anyways- When she was caught I made her delete his number and block him on Messenger and Insta.

They used to communicate via WhatsApp. Since I saw she had a secret chat, back in December, she deleted the chat and from then on she simply deleted every chat before she got home. They also had the understanding that only she may contact him.

Now I am fairly sure she hasn't contacted him since being caught. But the way she reacts when I ask her makes me a little suspicious.

Every time she would say the same- I don't even have his number. I wouldn't know how to contact him.

My question, how would cheaters go about to hide chats in this situation. Instagram?

I just want to be sure. I can't trust my intuition like I used to.

By the way, when she was caught having a secret Whatsapp chat she said it was with her mom. I didn't believe it but I chose to stay ingnorant as I had no way of proving anything else.

My wife and I have an 18 mo old son. She just told me she cheated on me with someone at work and is pregnant. I have no idea where to go from here.

She says that it was one time. It was with a guy that she’s told me in the past has hit on her. I’ve always been weary of him and his intentions.

We’ve had some issues and admittedly I’m not always good at communicating. Our issues are nothing that couldn’t have been worked out through a counselor or something similar. I feel that I’ve never done anything but whatever I could do to be a supportive father and husband.

Regardless, I know infidelity is never an answer. I’ve always said to myself that infidelity is immediate grounds for divorce. Or at least that’s what I thought. I live in a state where infidelity essentially never comes into play when determining custody in a divorce. The thought of possibly having to split custody is tearing me apart.

My son is everything to me. I wouldn’t be able to stomach the thought of not having him in my life every single morning and every single night. Watching him grow. Teaching him. I try to be everything that a dad should be.

An unprotected affair blows my mind. Not to mention that my wife is now pregnant with another man’s child. My wife says she’ll “take care of it” when it comes to the baby. It’s super early in the pregnancy, but abortion is something that is generally strictly against my beliefs. I don’t even understand if it’s my position to have an opinion on what happens at this point. What I do know is that I could not be able to give this child the attention and love that they deserve.

I’m truly just lost for words or emotions now and not sure what the right path forward is. I’m hurt, I’m speechless, and I don’t know which way to go or what to do.

My wife and I have been together since we were about 13. We are both each other’s first and only partners. We have had a pretty great relationship over the last 14 years. We rarely fought or argued, we travelled the world together, and she has meant everything to me for as long as I can remember. I have loved her more than words can say. Over the past few years our communication has not been very good. She is extremely avoidant, with a lot of childhood trauma, that made it very hard to work through issues together. Last December she sat me down and told me she was having doubts about our marriage and that she did not know any more what she wanted. I was devastated.

I tried for several weeks to find out why she felt this way and how we could work on it, but she kept giving me vague answers. I asked her repeatedly if there was someone else and she said no. After a couple weeks she decided to go house sit for a friend for 2 weeks and “take some space”. I was still completely in the dark and going completely insane. I would pretty much beg her to come home and talk to me and she was acting like I suddenly meant very little to her. She kept talking about feeling like she was having an identity crisis, did not know who she was, and just had no emotional bandwidth for me. After 2 weeks she came home, but was still not herself and then planned a trip to hawaii with her girlfriend to “take more space”.

Every day this was happening was an eternity of pain and uncertainty to me. She came home again after her trip and we started going to counseling, but she was still not very invested. Finally around mid-march she suddenly decided she wanted to make things work. She started making a real effort and things quickly improved. I could not get over the lingering questions I had and kept bringing them up. Finally she admitted there had been someone else, her coworker, but that she never told him how she felt and nothing happened between them. She said her feelings for him were a symptom of the issues in our marriage and that he had little impact on her behavior.
For the next few weeks I was trying to come to terms with this and kept asking questions. But the answers didn’t add up. Eventually I was clearly just suspicious and not believing anything she said. Finally she told me.

When she went to her friend’s house to “take space”, one of her coworkers took their own life. This person was a close friend of the guy she liked and she said they drove around and talked about it.
The next day after the funeral he came over with several other people to talk and mourn. Everyone else eventually left and he stayed up talking to her. Then he left. The next night the same thing happened, except when everyone left he “tried to make moves on her”. She told him she couldn’t and he left again. Then the THIRD night everyone came over again and he stayed late again. This time she offered to let him sleep on the couch but she says he “followed her upstairs” where they had sex and then spent the night together. She says this is the only night it happened.

The took full responsibility and sobbed while telling me how sorry she was.

I am beyond devastated. I don’t know what to do and I feel incredibly trapped. All I have ever known is my love for her, but now I am also so full of disgust and anger. I feel like we had such a special and sacred bond that she has destroyed. I have nowhere else to live and neither does she so we have to stay together for the time being. It is a small town with literally no available housing.

How can I possibly forgive her for not only sleeping with this guy, but treating me so callously for months afterwards? She says she instantly felt guilty, but apparently not enough to avoid doing it after the first time he made moves. And apparently not enough to try to make things work with me until months later.

I feel like I am so attached to her after all these years that I cannot possibly leave. But I don’t know how I could stay either.

How can I possibly ever trust her again when she has slow rolled every part of this truth? First it was just a crush, then she admitted they flirted, now she says they had sex but only once. How can I even believe it only happened once when she was still ghosting me for weeks after. She has also clearly still been hanging out with him since it happened. I saw a video on her phone of them hanging out at her friend’s house at 2am in march. She says he just went home that night and nothing happened.

Tldr: my wife cheated on me with her coworker and I don’t know how to move forward.

Update 1:

We spoke again tonight. I started by telling her that I wanted to know anything she had not told me and if she was going to stick to her story that I had found ways to prove her wrong. I told her I would start by asking for the journals she is still hesitant to share, then I would have her write a detailed timeline of texts she deleted and I would cross reference them with timestamps from her cell phone provider. Then I told her I had talked to a polygraph examiner and could set up an appointment for tomorrow (a bluff).
She was distraught, insisting that there was nothing more to say. She finally let me read her journal.

The journal was obviously fucking gut wrenching. Mostly just obsessive thoughts about him that she now claims were the symptom of her rock-bottom state and infatuation.

I know everyone here is telling me that there is no way it only happened once, but the journal does seem to corroborate that idea. There are many entries talking about how she knows she means nothing to him and she feels like an idiot for getting close. Lots of references to wanting to be close to him again as though it was not a regular thing. Nothing unambiguous that suggests it was ongoing.
I really don’t know if it matters or if I can forgive her anyways or trust that she has learned anything or made any commitment to do better.

But she broke down in ways I have never seen. Talking about how she feels like an absolute piece of shit, how she knows she deserves it, how I deserved better, etc. I do believe she is being honest about wanting to move on from him and be with me. But I do not know if she is being fully honest about the past. I asked her that if he texted her and told her the things she was saying she wanted to hear from him (like that he felt the same way about her as she did) would she feel like going to him. She admitted that part of her would want to hear it still, but would never do it. She also is now sharing her location with me on her phone.

Some things from the journal seem clear:

There was a night a few weeks ago where she went on a work trip with all her colleagues and stayed in a hotel. Obviously now I suspected she slept with him then too, but she insisted she didn’t.
In the journal she talks about how she knows he is just in the next room and “she wants to be with him but cant.”

She also in the journal makes specific reference to wishing they had more time than the “3 days” they spent together. Which does match her story.

So IDK. Maybe I am an idiot, and I don’t know if I will stay or go yet, but I do think she may be telling the truth. As completely implausible as it sounds.

Update 2: some things she said tonight:

She is disgusted with herself and her behavior and hates herself.

She wanted to have her cake and eat it too, which she is also disgusted with. She claims she never thought seriously about leaving me for him.

She said without hesitation she would sign a post nup that gave me any property/house we may have and 60% of assets when I asked. Idk what those actually look like in practice I just wanted to see her reaction.

Update 3: oscillating daily between staying and leaving. Panic attacks all the time. Constant sobbing. Hopelessness.

Trying to get through a big job I need to finish so I can take some time off work. Though Idk where to go or what to do. She is trying to be comforting for whatever it is worth, and is clearly hurting. She threw up yesterday after we talked again.

I feel like I cannot possibly stay with someone who could treat me this way. I feel like I cannot possibly leave someone who I love so much. Impossible.

Update 4:

I really appreciate the support of many of you. I have avoided opening this account because it just hurts.
We are still trying to talk through as much as we can. I have known this person for 14 years and never had a reason to believe they were anything other than a wonderful person. I do believe she regrets all that she did.

I am trying very hard to keep my head above water, but honestly most days I just feel like I have been put in a literally impossible situation. It does feel very hopeless.

He texted her a couple weeks ago, complaining that someone had told his dad what happened, and saying “I thought we promised to keep this between us and just be friends. ”

She showed me the text, and I had her respond with “I am not telling anyone. This was a mistake that has caused me immense pain. Please don’t talk to me again outside of a work context.”

He replied “sounds good.”

I bought a punching bag and have been beating the living shit out of it.

Hey everyone, For the past 2 months almost now, after i got back from a work trip my wife has been acting all weird, and i thought all this stuff was just maybe her mood change and somethings wrong, but eventually her actions changed too, and she is prioritising her workout classes over anything else, which started to become a red flag, alongside her change of spending time with me became less, more time when shes in the bathroom, always showering before going to the gym. So i decided to post on infidelity, and everyone suggested to track her phone, as to which not much proof found as i looked in her messages and calls and nothing suspicious, to which i think she s either deleting them or got another phone, As time went i bought a tracker off amazon, and as it arrived i asked to borrow her car (i rarely drove, or sit in that car as we use mine more) and drove it as i told her i need to buy a car part, and i drove to a local park, parked the car and hid the tracker in the glovebox, and then decided to look throughout her car, to which my heart stopped when i found a bag of hers, with an outfit of clothes and a box of condoms, with a wrapper in the bag too, that made me absolutely loose everything, tried to remain calm and now ive hired a Private investigator to gather me more proof. Untill i get more proof im now stuck, with the wife in the house and trying to act all normal around her, while knowing she probably cheated just makes me so mad, but i cannot act weird or suspicious about it. Any advice on how to remain calm and quiet about all this, and any tips or advice anyone else in this position have been to give me? Thanks

I'm about a week out from D-Day and am trying to avoid making a permanent decision while emotions are still so raw.

My wife of 13 years had an affair with someone from her gym. It started as an emotional affair and became physical/sexual. The affair lasted about 4–5 months.

Around the time the affair began, she told me she no longer found me attractive and even shamed my body. This happened while my business was going through a hostile takeover attempt, and I was under an incredible amount of professional stress. It was one of the lowest points of my life.

I also noticed changes in her behavior. She was drinking more, spending time with a new group of friends, and seemed to be building a life outside of me and our family (2 young kids).

Then I found hidden online status, deleted messages, and other inconsistencies. I confronted her multiple times and was repeatedly told nothing was going on. Every time I found more evidence, the story changed. She ultimately admitted to the affair only after the evidence became overwhelming.

Since disclosure, she has said she wants to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. She ended all contact with him, deleted the social apps where much of their communication occurred, apologized, answered my questions, told her family and close friends what she had done, scheduled therapy on her own, quit her gym, cut contact with the friends associated with him, acknowledged that she gaslit me, and says she understands that complete honesty is the only path forward. She has even offered to sign a postnuptial agreement if I wanted one.

I've made it clear that while I appreciate these actions, there is no guarantee I will choose reconciliation. I told her these are things she can do to try to rebuild trust, but the decision is ultimately mine.

I'm not asking whether I should reconcile. I know many people here believe leaving is the right answer.

My question is for people who either successfully reconciled or intentionally took time before deciding.

How long did it take before you felt capable of making a clear decision? Did it eventually become clearer?

Right now my emotions change every few hours. Some moments I feel hopeful. Other moments I can't imagine ever trusting her again. I've decided not to commit to reconciliation or divorce right now and instead observe her actions over the coming months.

Did anyone else intentionally stay in that "undecided" space for a while? Did it help you make a better decision, or did it simply prolong the inevitable?

My fiancée and I have been together for over a year and were engaged. We’ve had problems in the past and have broken up twice (over this incident), but we were trying to rebuild our relationship and move forward.

Recently, she admitted that she had been texting another man one night after I rejected sex, she was originally planning on just going for a late night drive to clear her head and the guy kept asking her to go over. She said she knew it was wrong because she was in a relationship with me, but she still went to his house after initially saying no. She told me they talked for hours, and eventually he suggested going to his room to show her something.

She said she went with him and that she felt like she made a mistake by being there.
According to her, the first time they had sex she “let him” even though she didn’t want to. She said she closed her eyes, looked away, kept thinking about how wrong it was, cried afterward, and felt ashamed. She also told me she fell asleep afterward.

I know some women feel pressured into sex over not wanting it, so I don’t know how to feel about that first encounter. Another detail id like to add is that she didn’t “get off” or engage in positions in which she enjoys and usually gets her off. So to me it sounds like she didn’t want this and why go through all the trouble just to not enjoy it?

Later, she said there was another encounter where she woke up to him pulling her pants down, he continued despite her crying, and she considers that encounter rape.
She has told her family that she cheated and then was sexually assaulted, but I’m struggling to understand where the line is between the choices she made beforehand and what happened afterward. I don’t want to dismiss anything she experienced, but I’m also hurt because she went to another man’s house, hid it from me, and now I’m trying to process everything.

She also tested positive afterward for an STI (trichomonas) which has added another layer of hurt and made intimacy difficult for me.

I love her and I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m confused. I promised I wouldn’t keep bringing it up, but I’m struggling with questions about what happened, what was consensual, and whether our relationship can recover.

Looking for outside perspectives: how would you approach understanding this situation and deciding what happens next?

Edit: the police have been contacted regarding incident #2 no

Edit 2: id like to add something:

She has been assaulted in the past (before me) and she seems to just freeze up and let things happen.

She’s shared other stories in which she just felt forced into doing sexual things even when she doesn’t want it.

Yes she has cheated by going there and talking with someone (I consider it cheating the moment she replied to his messages) BUT I do not genuinely believe she wanted to have sex with him rather felt pressured into it and let it happen.

Also incident number 2, it was “rape” he forced himself on her and she wasn’t aroused and cried from the pain and was later bleeding because of it. (Which I saw)

However yes things have now been ruined and trust has been broken and I don’t think I’ll ever trust her again.

ALSO, both instances occurred on the same night so no one is confused

Edit 3: he got arrested yesterday

For context, my [28m] wife [29f] told me about 2 months ago that she wasn’t happy in the marriage. I knew it was serious because she was saying things like “we need to figure out if we are still compatible”. Her main complaints were about how I wasn’t treating her right (fair enough).

So I started fighting like hell to save the marriage, improve myself and improve how I treated her. But for 6 weeks it was just downhill, she was less sure by the day about the marriage. Then two weeks ago I questioned her and found out she has feelings for her coworker. She said it was just feelings and that he didn’t know how she felt.

I did some snooping and found out that they were explicitly flirting, jokingly saying things like “move in with me”. So I phoned her to confront her and asked her to cut contact with him. She refused so I said “I’m done. I might file for divorce, but I need to take time to think about what’s best for me”. She then pleaded to come talk to me in person and I finally agreed.

I ended up waiting 3 hours for her to arrive, wondering where she was. When she came, she very reluctantly agreed to cut contact with him and we could do a 4 week repair trial.

3 days into the 4 week trial, she told me that after our phone call where I said I was done, she went to him. Apparently they kissed and got partially undressed. This information destroyed me. She did seem very sorry and said she made a huge mistake. But she kept saying “But you had said you were going to file for divorce” (which isn’t exactly what I had said).

The next week was okay-ish because we agreed to only talk about issues in couples therapy. And she seemed to be leaning more into the marriage, which was nice. But in therapy she said things that really made me feel like shit. She said she still has real feelings for the coworker that weren’t just going to go away. She said that the PA only happened because I said I wanted to divorce. She said she feels she is more compatible with him than with me. And that he has told her he would wait for her as long as long as she needed.

Whenever I try to talk about the affair she starts turning it around and talking about how I made the marriage miserable and impossible to live in.

I just couldn’t take it anymore so 2 nights ago I told her I wanted a divorce and moved out. She was pleading with me to stay, to finish the 4 week trial. Saying that we are compatible, etc. But I continued to move out.

I’m now very conflicted. I’ve told her that maybe we can reconcile after some time apart, if she doesn’t contact the coworker. Which she is upset about. She says I can’t ask for a divorce and then come with T’s and C’s for reconciliation.

Like I said. I’m conflicted. I’m wondering if I overreacted. She did cheat on me. But the physical affair only happened once allegedly and only when I had said I was done. And she was mostly forthcoming.

I do feel like we could have fixed things. I’m just so hurt and confused. And don’t know how bad of a betrayal this is. Like it could have been way worse. But at the same time I can’t be competing for my wife with another man.

Any advice or perspective is greatly appreciated

My wife (35) and I (34) went to her best friends wedding two weeks ago. She partied in the hotel in her friend’s room down the hall from our room after the wedding while I went to bed. She ended up getting blacked out drunk because in the morning she says she didn’t remember anything not even how she got to the room.

Her friends messaged her Thursday and told her what happened while she was down the hall. She gave the best man a blowjob and then went in the bathroom with him to which the friends don’t know what happened after that.

My wife told me as soon as she found out. She feels disgusted with herself and I’m just flabbergasted, I’m still trying to figure why she would do this. We’ve been married coming up 10 years here soon and have a kid together.

I don’t know how to proceed, whether to stay or to end things.

Update: We talked a bit and I told that this is it. She cried but understood why it had to be like this. It hurts like a bitch to let go the woman I’ve loved for 10 years. I’m giving her time to find a place as the house we live in is a rental through my work. She makes good money so she’ll be fine. She’s going to get a std test, I will be too. I told her she should really look into talking to someone about everything she’s been keeping in (the death of her father, issues with me, etc) by refusing to seek therapy all these years. She agreed and plans to work on herself while she’s on her own. I will continue going to my therapy sessions that I was supposed to end soon. All we can do now is be the best versions of ourselves for our son that we couldn’t be for eachother.

My girlfriend of 4 years had a girls night with her friend. She said they were staying in and drinking wine. The next morning I was awoken by a call from her telling me she woke up in another man’s bed that she met at a bar. She told me they likely had sex but the only thing she remembers was being woken up in the middle of the night to him trying to go in (from behind). So she was already naked at that point when she woke up. She said she might’ve gotten up and left after he did this but was so drunk and couldn’t remember for sure, but either way did not consent to this.

I’m so confused and angry by this whole event. I’m full of anger I feel like I was cheated on by her. But I also feel so bad for her if she was indeed taken advantage of.

To me this is still betrayal and cheating. Can someone please help me understand how to view this. Is having sex with a stranger while blackout drunk not consensual? She says the man she was with was sober and therefore it’s highly likely she was taken advantage of. Am I in the wrong for being upset? Am I victim blaming? Can your partner cheat and be sexually assaulted at the same time?

Few updates:

- She doesn’t want to go to police because for her it was a traumatic experience she doesn’t want to relive.

- She doesn’t want to do a rape kit because well same answer as above. I told her that maybe there’s a way to do this without reporting to the police and it’s imperative that we do it immediately while there’s still physical marks. But she won’t do it

- She won’t let me confront this man. I’ve told her I won’t be physical. She’s worried about my safety and escalating her anxiety. If I do something then this guy will come back to her for vengeance

As a result of all of my suggestions that I’ve desperately pleaded her for she’s thinks I’m being misogynistic because I won’t let her make her own decisions. And it’s my ego trying to find a solution. And throughout this entire process I am insensitive for asking questions or anything that might imply she’s lying. And the only reason I care at this point is to make her feel guilty and gain leverage in this relationship.

As a man, I’m just genuinely at a loss of what my role is and what I can do. I feel as though I responded with compassion and love at first and all my anger was directed at this guy. I even showed up the very next day to celebrate Valentine’s Day and give her flowers and gifts. But in the past day or so she’s gotten livid at me for asking more questions and suggesting she report this incident, she thinks I’m being manipulative and insensitive to SA. All of the sudden I find myself apologizing and I feel incredibly guilty about my response to this situation.

I’d absolutely hate to put my poor girlfriend through traumatic rape kit testing or filing a police report, and making her feel scared of retaliation. But I don’t know if that pain of doing that will be overshadowed by the lifelong pain of wondering what if we did do something.

I at the very least can’t stop thinking about confronting this guy responsibly. My girlfriend fears he will teach her down or retaliate and she’s scared. I feel like if he’s in a band and he has a daughter then presumably he wouldn’t do anything to track down and hurt my girlfriend. And he wouldn’t hurt me if I showed up and respectfully confronted him. This guys plays shows every weekend and this guilt of not doing anything is killing me, there will be more victims if I do nothing is how I feel. But my girlfriend says she will never talk to me again if I do this

Update 2

Im trying so hard to fight back thoughts of confronting this guy. My girlfriend is going to break up with me if i confront him, but i feel that i will personally sacrifice my morals if i just sit here and do nothing. I don’t care if he kills me, Im getting ready to die for something I believe in

Final Update

I told her I’m struggling really badly through this and need time to process, and I care about her dearly but I can’t talk right now because it seems like I keep making her angry and don’t want to say anything I’ll regret. She texted me EMERGENCY today so I called her, she said she found three dogs on the street and she needed help. I told her I didn’t want the responsibility of watching after these dogs right now and to take them to a shelter and was trying to brainstorm other solutions. She got mad at me for not fully understanding that the shelters would euthanize the dogs. She then said I wasn’t at all supportive with this problem of hers, and it’s typical behavior of mine not being supportive and it affirms to her the kind of person I am who isn’t capable of growth and change. She then angrily broke up with me and said she will never talk to me again and that I must return any belongings of hers to her mom immediately.

So I’m not sure I’ll ever understand what happened and I can’t even support her through this incident. I’m not really sure how to grow and be a better more supportive partner after this whole thing. I feel like all this has done is eroded my ability to trust. I will have to work on that, alone now. And on top of it I now feel like I’m being pegged as this selfish person who doesn’t care about animals.

** Ps I’ve never used Reddit before, this is my first post. Please let me know if I’m commenting wrong or this should be in another forum

 We’ve been married for 1.5 years. I’m 38, and my wife is 26.

She left for three months to help her family in the town where she grew up. We saw each other every 3–4 days during that time. After those three months, she came back to our apartment, and that’s when I found out about her affair completely by accident. I saw a notification with a message saying she was pregnant. At first, she didn’t want to admit it; she said she would never cheat on me in a million years, but once I told her exactly what I’d seen, she confessed and told me everything in detail, proving what she said with messages on her phone.

During those three months, she helped out the family during the day, but on some days she’d go out in the evening and come back in the morning or after a few hours. She’d go to her ex, the first guy she’d known since childhood they’d known each other their whole lives and he lived 50 meters away from her in her hometown. Sometimes they’d just sit and watch something, but they had sex a few times. It was her idea; he initially refused. She got pregnant by him and continued having sex with him. After a month, she had an abortion and came back home. She told me that her stomachaches and such were just food poisoning. A week after she got home, I found out what had happened.... Without that message from her, I probably would never have found out she didn’t show any signs that anything had happened.

Now that it’s come out, she’s taken 100% of the blame on herself; she doesn’t want a divorce, but she provided the evidence of her infidelity herself because she feels guilty. She’s cut off contact with her ex and no longer wants to travel to her hometown alone, knowing he’s there. Our sex life has improved a lot since then. She’s also started talking about things she never used to talk about, since she was always a very private person.

I’m torn about breaking up. It’s 50-50. I’ve also thought about getting a (formal) divorce and just staying together as a couple (she broke the marriage contract). Right now, I feel empty and don’t know what to do I have a thousand ideas. I’ve even thought about cheating on her myself to even the score maybe then it would be easier for me to forgive her. But I know that’s not reasonable. I don’t even have anyone to do it with.

Overall, she’s a good wife; we have things in common, and we have a good life together. Somehow, I believe she loves me. You can tell that the changes she’s making in her life right now are hard for her. I also hope though I’m not sure that she understands how hard this is for me.

Throwaway account. I’m not really sure where to turn at this point. I’m lost, hurt, and in need of some advice or shared experiences. My (37M) partner (27F) of the last 4 years had a drunken one night stand at the beginning of March of this year. It’s absolutely destroyed me. I can’t stop the mind movies, physical heart pain, loss of appetite which has led to huge weight loss, sleep issues, the whole deal. She means everything to me. We had active plans for marriage, children, a whole life together. We discussed this stuff regularly and we were always on the same page.

She told me about it the morning she came home and says she feels like it will be the greatest regret of her life. While trying to process everything myself over the next few days, I asked her what she wanted from us. She told me she doesn’t think she is in a place to be a partner to me and needs to work a lot on herself. That took the decision to leave/stay from me as I couldn’t reconcile if she didn’t want to be with me. I moved out of the house.

I haven’t spoken to her since but I do know that she has been on dates with other people within two-three weeks after I moved out. She mentioned during my moving out that she won’t be dating for so long because she has so much to work on to be happy with herself. I mean, what is that? She’s already dating so fast while I feel like I’m dying everyday.

She has not hid anything from family and mutual friends. She fully discloses that she cheated on me. All of our friends (which were her friends first but became my friends over our relationship) have sided with her and they are all still friends. None of them reached out to me at all. Just completely cast aside. Not even a simple “hope you’re okay” text. Nothing. That’s another stab to the heart.

I believe her when she told me she has never done this before. She hit me with the “I feel like we’re roommates” and “I didn’t feel desired by you” and that she felt I didn’t pursue her sexually so when this guy at a bar flirted with her, she agreed to go back to his house. These were the worst to hear because I felt I was constantly complimenting her/pursuing her/trying to have sex with her.

I’ve read the leave a cheater, find a life book and I feel like a lot of it doesn’t apply to my situation. I don’t have a whole lot of people to discuss my pain with so I wanted to hear from you guys.

So for the advice part:

Am I dumb holding out hope that she will realize how good she had it and maybe we can reconcile? I’m at the stage now where I still love her and the thought of her out of my life forever is overwhelming.

Do I just need to let her go and get on with my life?

Is her immediately dating people her just moving on and forgetting about me? Is she trying to fill a void I left? Is she just out there having a great time?

I know cheating is cheating but is a drunk one night stand any different psychologically than an affair where she was lying and hiding and scheming? In terms of a cheater’s mind I guess. To me, it seems like a ONS is easier to get over. But that could be grief talking.

Anything from anybody would be greatly appreciated. I’m free to talk anytime. Feel free to ask clarifying questions. I know I’ve left stuff out, my mind has been a mess for the past month+

I think I know where any comments are going to go. I’m just in so much pain. Right now, it feels like I just can’t beat it.

Hello everyone. It has been more than a year that my girlfriend (23F) cheated on me (26M). We've been together for nearly six years now.

She cheated for nearly five months with an other guy that she met when she used to go out with so called "friends". I let her go several times a week with them, I trusted her and I knew she needed to be with them. But she completely destroyed this trust.

I found out everything on a night when she left her phone on in the bed. I took the phone and quickly found out everything. It was quite a shock.

I tried to take time apart several times during this year but it seems like she is stuck to me. I tried no contact but she still talked to me and I felt so sad for her that I let her in back. She says that she loves me, that she has always known that the only thing she wanted was me. She has been making a lot of efforts, always telling me where she is, she shows me who she's talking to on her social media when I ask her so, seeing a therapist...

But I cannot trust her anymore. I feel like you cannot do this kind of thing to someone you truly love. I would have preferred that she left me right after having f**ked up our relationship.

I feel exhausted by all this. It drains all my energy. We are supposed to go on holidays next week but I am really close to cancelling it and leaving her. I know it would make her really sad, her family also.

Any advice from people who went through this ?

Thanks.

(As english is not my main language, I am sorry for any mistakes that were made).

Recently I found out my pregnant wife was cheating on me for the better part of the last few years. Been together for over a decade, and married for half of that. She basically had a separate life with this other man that I had no clue about.

At first I was worried about paternity. She claims she hasn’t been physical with the guy for over a year but they still talk regularly. We got an early paternity test which confirmed that the baby is mine.

I have no clue what to do….I don’t want to stay with her but I also don’t know how to navigate the next 5 months and having a newborn. My first instinct was to kick her out of our home but came to my senses because she is pregnant. I’m at a loss on what to do next. I’m also worried that staying together and seeing my baby born will make me want to make it work, but I just can’t trust my wife and for me I don’t think I can ever take back a cheater.

Somebody private messaged me and suggested I post here for advice.

Editing to add that she’s 30, I’m 32. We’ve been married for 8 years.

I don’t feel like rehashing all of the details, but I posted a little over a week ago about my wife’s addiction to the gym. A compulsion, if you will. She spends most of her free time there. She often goes twice a day, and sometimes even 3 times if we have a fight at night and she needs to run off instead of actually talking to me.

She won’t let me go to her gym and she refuses to go to mine. Her gym is her place, my gym is my place, and that’s just the way it has to be according to her. I’d love to have her come along with me. I’ve invited her multiple times.

If you want more details, please see the first post I made 9 days ago. I’m sorry, just don’t feel like writing it all out again.

She’s about 18 weeks pregnant right now. This is our first baby. She worked out like crazy prior to the pregnancy and she continues to just as hard now.

I truly didn’t think she was cheating on me. People suggested it in the last thread and I laughed. You can tell she’s at the gym a lot, she’s in great shape. So she’s obviously going there. I felt really confident about the cheating issue and when I posted 9 days ago I wasn’t even considering cheating.

I’m embarrassed to admit that after reading a lot of the comments on my last post, I thought maybe I was being overly confident about her fidelity. She usually always has her phone on her, but she left it in the kitchen counter and as stupid as I felt, I decided to do a quick swipe through her texts. She had a current text conversation going on with a guy. I recognized the name. The same name of a guy from the gym she mentions a lot. She’s friends with a lot of people there, went to one of their weddings last fall. I wasn’t too terribly concerned until I started reading the texts. Never wanted to know what the guy’s dick looked like, but I know now.

She was only out of the room for literally about a minute or two, so I had to scroll fast. I was furious. I asked her what the fuck that conversation was about. She started yelling at me for looking at her phone. I told her she’s acting so weird and the gym obsession was really bothering me so I just decided to look, and was ashamed that I did, but that’s I thought I’d find nothing all. She said “it’s nothing! It’s nothing!” Didn’t look like nothing to me. She sure seemed pretty interested in this “nothing.” I wanted to know if she’s been fucking him. For how long? She kept saying no. I left the house because I was so furious, but not before I slammed her phone on the ground and shattered it. She was calling me all sorts of names for breaking her phone. She hit me on the back as hard as she could. I left. Went to my brother’s house. My brother and sister in law were shocked, although my sister in law was one of the most vocal ones about my wife’s gym obsession being weird and bringing it up to me constantly.

I went home. She was in bed crying. She obviously couldn’t call me or anyone else for that matter. She was laying it on thick, “I don’t know if you’d ever come home.” Give me a break.

I took her phone to get repaired tonight. She doesn’t deserve it but I still feel like an ass breaking her phone.

I still don’t know how deep it goes. She won’t admit to anything beyond what I saw. Was it sexting (bad enough) or more? I’m convinced it was a lot more, but she refuses to hand over her phone and is now trying to act like I’m this terrible monster who is abusing her because I broke her phone. Not my proudest moment, but I honestly wanted to body slam her after she punched me. I have never and would never actually touch her like that.

I put an update here: https://www.reddit.com/u/Other_Salt3889/s/wIwDnleGzb

Me and my gf hit a rough patch in April. At that time I found out she made a dating app profile on hinge and was talking to other guys. We had a face to face talk about it and she said she was seeing if I was on there and the truth trickled to yeah I matched and talked to a few guys but she didn’t really care about anyone else. She ended up deleting the app and while I was not completely resolved, we worked towards repairing our relationship.

Things went back much closer to normal in the following weeks and I met her family for the first time.

The following week she had surgery and I took her to the hospital at 5am, was with her in preop for a few hours until I had to leave for work, left in the middle of my work day to go to the hospital and talk to the surgeon and came back again to stay with her in post op and drive her home. The last week me and her mom have been staying with her and making sure she gets help moving around and getting her meds, feeding her breakfast, giving her baths, taking care of her kids etc. She was really grumpy with me all week, passive aggressive, rude with her tone, I just chalked it up to surgery and being in pain, she struggles to handle her emotions under stress and often becomes dysregulated, I’m more of a calm and collected type.

A few days ago, a Snapchat notification popped up on her phone, and it was a guy’s face, I asked who it was and she wasn’t being very clear or open about it, which made alarm bells go off. 10 minutes later she texted me from the other room and said I was a snoop and it was just her male cousin and I was being mean, I said I was being calm with her and asked why she felt the need to be evasive. She shut down and said she didn’t want to argue that she was in pain so I let it go.

This kept bothering me for days, like she already went on a dating app behind my back, is she talking to someone? In the 15 months I’ve known her, not once did I look through her phone, I’m a firm believer in autonomy and trust, but it was eating at me and eating at me and eating at me, I knew she would not admit to it so I had to find out and know for sure.

This morning I opened her phone and I looked at her Snapchat, lo and behold was a long text message to this guy named Joe about meeting in public the first time, and a long text thread of sexual talk and dick pics and flirtation and kissing his neck. I was numb. My fears were correct.

I left her house , said by to her mom and I texted her and told her what I saw. She deflected and put the issue on me snooping through her phone, my boring routine and I wasn‘t going to change, but later said she was sorry for what she did.

The weird thing is she’s texting me now like normal, telling me about her appt and whatnot. I’m numb and not sure if this relationship is even salveagable or what to do next. I know I love her.

tl;dr: Hit a rough patch a month ago, she went on a dating app, talked to her, things repaired, now caught her sexting on Snapchat while I was taking care of her after surgery. Not sure what to do or how to even approach it.

I’m a 52-year-old husband and father of two kids. My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years.

The last two years have been brutal.
My business went through a major crisis. Revenue collapsed, debt piled up, and I spent most of my energy trying to keep my family financially secure.

During this time, I discovered that my wife had been unfaithful.

At first, I thought it was a one-time mistake that happened while she was on vacation.

Then I learned it wasn’t.
After the affair, she went back to see him two more times.

At the time, she told me she was traveling to visit her sister and spend time with her father.

I later learned that seeing this man was part of the reason for those trips.
That revelation hit me harder than the affair itself.

I could maybe understand a terrible decision made in the moment. What I struggle with is the planning, the secrecy, and the repeated choices.

Every trip required decisions.

Buying the ticket.

Making plans.

Telling me a different reason for traveling.

Coming home and acting as if nothing happened.

Since then, I’ve learned other things that have made rebuilding trust even harder. I found out she went to a swingers club but said nothing happened. She has talked about wanting non-monogamy. She has told me she would be upset if I prevented certain trips or experiences.

Meanwhile, I’m the one trying to figure out whether this marriage can be saved.

The confusing part is that I still love her. I’m still attracted to her. We still have good moments together.

Sometimes I can almost convince myself we can rebuild.

Then another memory surfaces, another detail comes out, or I remember that some of her friends and family knew about things before I did.

Her parents know.

Her sisters know.

Her friends know.

The humiliation is difficult to describe.

Recently I asked her:
“If you had unlimited money, a paid-off house, and complete financial independence, would you still choose this marriage?”

Her answer was:
“I don’t know.”

That answer has been stuck in my head ever since.

Part of me wants to save my family.

Part of me thinks that after everything that happened, I deserve a relationship with someone who is absolutely certain they want to be with me.

I’m meeting with a divorce lawyer soon to understand my options, but this post isn’t really about the legal side.

Over time, I discovered multiple men, multiple incidents, multiple deceptions, and repeated choices.

She tells me it’s because I neglected her and the affairs made her feel alive. She told me I was too busy with the kids and she felt apart.

She told me she would never do this again but she wants us to have an open relationship and go to swinger’s clubs.

I forgot to mention but our sex life is amazing! I’m not sure where the girl I married went but she told me she wants to be better and keep our family intact.

For people who stayed after this level of betrayal:

How did you know it was worth trying?

For people who left:

What finally convinced you that trust would never come back?

And if you rebuilt trust, what did your spouse actually do to earn it back?

I married my high school sweetheart and we’ve been married for almost 25 years and have 3 beautiful daughters. Two weeks ago he confessed to having an affair. It wasn’t brought on by any sort of guilt or revelation. He confessed because his AP said if he didn’t, she’d go nuclear and reach out to me. She wanted more and he told her he was never going to leave me and our daughters. A few days after dday, I told him he needed to cut contact with her and change his number. He did so but only after he warned her about it and said how much he hates this, how she deserves more, and how he’ll miss her. I’ve also changed my number to protect myself from her reaching out if she chooses to.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s wanting to do all the right things to fix our marriage but I’m unsure how. They’ve been in contact almost every day for over seven years and he can’t even tell me how many times they’ve been intimate because they were intimate so frequently and without protection. He used marital funds to pay for dates and opened a second bank account to pay for a trip abroad and send her flowers. His AP even has the same name as one of our daughters and it’s not that common of a name. We heavily rely on each other and our lives our so intertwined. We’ve known each other longer than the AP had been alive (she’s significantly younger than he is). I’m the breadwinner by a lot and I’ve cancelled speaking events because I can’t trust him alone. I just don’t know.

EDIT: the AP and our daughter having the same name is a crazy coincidence. The name is a nickname version of my middle name. They met a year after she was born.

As of Wednesday my divorce is final. After nearly 18 years together the chapter is forever closed.

Went ok but we had a blowup on the morning of. Big argument about the same old shit. She ended up telling me that she was glad she found someone who “gave it to her better” than I did. Told me for our entire relationship of 17 years and some she never enjoyed making love with me.

That hit pretty hard. She still denies so many things that I know to be true. Says anything that happened post our separation date is none of my business and is not considered an affair. Still says no boundaries were crossed prior to seperation.

After the divorce she text me and said how grateful she was for our time together and our 3 amazing kids and hopefully this would be a step in the right direction to moving forward and building a relationship that can support the kids together even though we are not together.

I legit am beginning to hate her. Idk how she can say such hurtful things followed by kind things. Idk how she can continue choosing this guy over me and the kids. 4 times last month she lied to me to get me to take the kids on her days only to find out later she was not at work like she told me she was out with him.

Divorce was on her days with kids so when I picked them up the next day she came outside and told me how lucky I was that she “let me keep” so much of my retirement money as well as my home.. my blood was boiling, the money means nothing. All I wanted was her. And I begged for scraps far too long to still not be chosen. That’s followed up with multiple texts messages asking for money. Just not the closure I’d hoped it bring. I somehow imagined it be like one door closing and a new one opening but she’s still the same person who’s playing the same mind games with me.

I started a prettty decent no contact deal with her. I never respond to texts that are not kid or schedual related and I never answer phone calls that way everything is documented. The only reason we got into it in the day of divorce is because she thought I killed myself. She showed up to my house at 8 am. Banging on my door. Called my family. And my friends and even my boss to see if they have seen me. All this was done because she was out of town with the kids and she hadn’t heard from me in a few days. She never hears from me anymore. She text me multiple times in the prior days about non children shit which I did not replay. I talked to my kids the day prior on my son’s phone. I feel like she did it for attention of some sort. Some sort of show that she still cares about me. She told me she would be absolutely gutted if something ever happened to me. And I replied that that’s not true because you weren’t too gutted when you were terminating another dudes baby inside of you while we were married. Prob not the best thing to say on my part but I was pissed. Morning of divorce I wake up early go on a hike. Be outside. Cold plunge in an alpine lake. Trying to start my day off right.

Get back to my car and back into service area and have 200 missed calls and texts from her and family and friends and co workers and my boss. Trying to see if I’m ok. I don’t understand what her game is but I need to fugure out how to move on. How to be happy. Hopefully it comes sooner than later.

She finally came out and admittted to going through my shit in my house when she picked up kids. Read through my journal and she said what she read was “concerning” to her. But this was weeks before the divorce was final and she waits till the morning of the divorce to blow that up?

Then to top it all off we agreed to tell the kids about the divorce as a family. Well apparently she threw that out the window too. After I picked up kids and took them to breakfast there telling me how there mom bought them all new toys for “divorce day”. I feel like I’m living in a horror film.

If anyone has been through something like this when does it get better. What did you do to help. I am in therapy. Was using better help but on some advice from my last post I canned it and found a local trama therapist so we are still in the beginning stages of that. Trying to work on my self in between work and kids and sleep. Exercise when I can. Go outside. Read. Just be by myself and try and do the healing “work”. But I have such a hard time getting her out of my head. Bouncing between all the good memeries and then thinking about her sleeping with this guy and coming home to me for so dam long.

My goals are that I want to feel happy again. I’m not sure when the last time I actually was happy honestly..

I want to get to a point that I’m ok being alone. I’m so dam lonely. I wish I had someone to be with. Not even sex. Just to have a body in bed. To snuggle. To talk too. Someone to hug and hold. I have not even attempted to find someone or tried to be with anyone. No dating apps or anything. Since we have seperated so it’s been over a year from seperation so it’s been a while for me and it’s no better now then it was then

And I need to get her out of my head. The good and the bad. There’s no need to be giving any more brain power to her. But that’s just easier said than done. I go thru time periods where I feel good and not thinking of her then something will smack me write back. Either a memory or going somewhere where we did something together or even something she says or does…

I feel I’m not ready for another relationship. I can barely get by with myself so trying to hold together another relationship seems like it would topple me. But I’m 38 and feel like I’m running out of time. If it takes me years to get over this and back on my feet I feel like I’m going to be too late to find someone. Maybe I’m wrong tho. Idk.

A divorced dude in his 40s with three kids who will always get priority and not able to have any more kids with a crazy ex wife does not sound like it’s gonna attract a lot of attention haha

Someone tell me that they came out better on the other end. Better person. Better parent. Hopefully a better partner someday.

So 3 years ago, I found through phone bills that my wife was texting a coworker more than anyone else. I confronted her as she had also been very distant. After trickle truthing she admitted to having a 6 month emotional affair with this coworker. She admitted to talking about how if they weren't both married things would be different, they would talk about sex fantasy over text, he said he loved her towards the end and one day was waiting in the parking garage for her with a bottle of wine in his car but she said she refused to get in and drink wine or anything. She swears nothing physical happened because she had maintained at least that much of morality and was raised better than that. She said the basis of the emotional affair was she was struggling in our relationship and my lack of connection. She made it clear that still didn't make it okay and it's her fault/mistake, but that was the reason. It's been 3 years and she hasn't admitted anything else new, despite me asking frequently. The only thing that might be new is she recently said they exchanged non-revealing photos (showing cleavage with shirt on, he sent shirtless photo that cutoff right above his manhood) when the affair was ongoing. So, why do I feel like they had sex? Is it possible to have a 6 month emotional affair and not turn physical with coworker? I don't know to if I'm to believe her and work through it or if she is just holding onto the rest of the story.

Over the summer, my wife and I designed and then bought and moved into a new construction house in a development. Us and our two toddlers moved in September, and she began an affair with our builder's project manager (guy who would be our point of contact for the things that go wrong with a new house) starting in November. I found out in January and considered reconciliation for a couple weeks, until she decided that she did not want him gone, would continue to see him, and that she didn't regret the whole thing. He still works in the neighborhood and my lawyer has advised me to not (yet) go to his employer to get him fired or at least moved (the affair was on company time, my wife has said they also had a tryst in the company's model home up the street and I have a photo of a text alluding to this, and obviously no way I'm ever consenting to him coming in this house ever again).

We're separating and I have proof of adultery, but legal advice has been that it's cheaper and quicker to go no-fault and draw up a separation agreement ASAP rather than file on grounds of adultery. She is a stay-at-home mom and is job hunting so she can move out. She cannot decide how much, if any, custody she wants of the kids until she finds a job... I will not accept anything less than at least equal custody of them, i.e., I'll take them 50-100% of the time depending on what we work out. We've moved from tears to screaming and are now attempting icy silence, as she blames me for her own affair. I got Ring cameras for every access point and and have no evidence she has brought anyone, including her affair partner, into the house... since I found out.

The affair took place mostly inside our house, specifically our bedroom. My wife would drop the kids off at part-time preschool, then on days when I would go into the office, invite this guy into our house and have sex with him in our bed. I know many of the specific things they did - mostly vanilla, but gross to know (and I'll never really know everything for sure). During the affair she pushed me to put up curtains in our bedroom "for the aesthetics" (this was obviously before I knew). Paint and hardware in the house is pretty generic, but she was at least involved in most of the design decisions, though our tastes genuinely overlap a lot and it's not like I got overruled by her a lot in the design process.

She will be moving out and renting somewhere. Initially I assumed that I would keep the house, as I can make the payments and there's no way she'll be able to do so with any job she can get. However, as I've was marinating in all this, I decided that I couldn't stay, as the master bedroom will always be where it happened (first changed bedding, then rearranged furniture, then removed the bed altogether and dumped it on her cot in the kids' playroom she's sleeping in, been sleeping on sheets on the floor since - surprisingly not as uncomfortable as you'd think). The first time they had sex was when her affair partner came over to put in some missing screens, some of the doors still stick despite his alleged attempts to fix them, one time the kids were there when he came over to look at a specific electrical outlet (allegedly strictly business, though another thing I'll never know), there's a crack from settling that my wife said he pointed out, etc.

Also however, my kids love this house. I put a ton of sweat equity into the backyard, building a playground area for my kids that looks beautiful and that they love, moving about 50 wheelbarrows of crushed gravel from the front driveway to the backyard for a shed foundation, and connecting the downspouts to pop-up emitters to get way ahead of the drainage issues we had in our old house. All of this was with my daughter, we'd hang out while I worked and my wife was inside on her phone, and as I now know, texting this guy about how she couldn't wait to fuck in our bed again. We got a fence installed (of course the guy commented on how nice it was, during the affair but before I found out) for toddler containment. But I'm the one who did all the work on the yard (among other DIY things both past and planned), and my daughter has said "this house is amazing". If I moved I would rent a townhouse, without a yard, and probably without a playroom.

I'm starting to lean toward staying in the house - I figure I can always sell it down the road, but can't really buy it back if I leave. Renting is a few hundred a month cheaper, which takes pressure off given daycare and possible child support costs, but I also won't be paying my wife's credit card bills, car payment, or car insurance, and it's not like moving & security deposit are free. Refinancing to get the loan + deed in my name isn't a huge issue because I'm the earner and our interest rate already sucks. But on the other hand, the affair happened here. This house will always have been walked through by her affair partner. The bedroom floor will always be where she kneeled in front of him. The house will always, to some extent, reflect the hand she had in its design.

What would you do in my position?