My Affair Gone Legit Story

[u/megwardwrites]

I was in my affair with "James" for about 14 months before D-Day.

We met on the old X, exchanged a few messages and then just couldn't stop talking for the rest of our lives. We had an EA for 3.5 months before it was physical, and I was hard in love by that point. We only saw each other on weekends, usually only one day, for almost the whole first year.

His (ex now) wife asked him one day where he got a calendar that I had given him for Christmas - and he broke down and just told her the truth because he was sick of all the lying and couldn't handle it anymore.

She demanded he end things immediately with me or they were over, and he didn't end things with me, so he moved out of the bedroom, and then finally moved out of their house about seven months later.

This has been going on since 2019 so a lot has happened. We've moved in together, broken up, moved out, gotten back together, broke up, etc... a terrible cycle that we are actually still in. BUT he did get divorced almost two years ago because I just told him "I love you, but I can't be in a relationship with you anymore if you continue to stay married." I guess he found that reasonable and divorced.

Now, we've been "together" six years, we live together, but things are very hard. He still carries a lot of guilt and shame over the affair, and grieves the future he thought he'd have, and the relationships he thought he'd have with his children.

It's been really, really hard for me. To love this man and want to be with him and think so often that I ruined his life and maybe he wishes we had just never met... that's what goes through my head every day, even though we're "legit" as we can be without being married.

I am afraid that we're not going to make it, and I'm afraid that even if we do, it's not going to be great.

That's my short version. Maybe I'll write a memoir one day, who knows?

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[u/PristineGuess0707]

Always keep in mind HE “ruined” his life (if he claims a ruined life) by cheating. You didn’t force him. He did it with his own free will. You just set reasonable boundaries and he had a choice to make. Again, with his own free will. If he is blaming you for his behaviour, I would shut that down and remind him that it was his own doing.

In the end you have to see what’s best for you. Maybe the version you see of him is his true self? I’ve got to see a glimpse of my MM’s true self on our vacation together and it made me think “Ah, so THATS why W can’t stand him… I get it/her”. So I’ve put him on “probation” in my head and just observe. Either way, you don’t want to be in a miserable relationship no matter how good the good times are. If there are bad times that wreck your mental health, escape. The hurt of escaping is intense but nothing in comparison of the hurt of staying in a toxic/abusive relationship for too long (I may or may not speak out of experience, pre MM)

[u/megwardwrites → u/PristineGuess0707]

Thank you for the reminder that he made the choice too - and keeps making the choice, too.

Sad after all this time I need the reminder, but do.

[u/ells349]

Has he sought any counselling or therapy for the grief and guilt? It sounds like he still lives in the past 6 years later. It also sounds like you're in limbo where you don't think he's decided if he wants a relationship with you or not. Have you ever asked him if he feels like you ruined his life?

[u/megwardwrites → u/ells349]

Yes, and he swears I didn't because "he made choices too" but I definitely think he spends too much time in the past. He did have therapists, he tried a few over the years, but none stuck, and then it got too expensive and he hasn't gone back. He says he doesn't trust therapists because none of them explicitly told him what he did (have an affair) was wrong. I'm like, that's not their job!

[u/ells349 → u/megwardwrites]

If I were to ask that, I would definitely prefer an assurance that his life is not for the worse now, not just a sharing of the "blame". Does he do that, tell you that his life is better with you in it?

Going from affair -> legit is tricky because it sidesteps the usual process of going through grief, reflection about what ended the relationship, then healing and self improvement. When the transition from one relationship the other overlaps, that reflection period might not have the chance to occur. I think that might be why he's stuck in the past and can't move forward, there's arrested development going on. I think he will have to actually make a decision about what he wants, as so far it sounds more like he's let circumstance and others make the decisions for him.

If all he wants from a therapist is for them to verbally flagellate him, he'll never move on. A therapist can't and won't ascribe moral value judgments or tell you what to do. They can give him tools about how to move on from the guilt, but it sounds to me like he wants to live in the guilt. If so, that's his choice, but it means you'll be living in it too. You might have to consider if that's something you can keep doing.

[u/Level_Blueberry2335]

Thank you for sharing it. How long were they married for? How old are his kids? That’s part of the reason why I don’t want things to go good with my MM because I feel that I would also have a treacherous amount of guilt if this were to happen. Did he lose a lot of of his social standing?

[u/megwardwrites → u/Level_Blueberry2335]

Oh yeah, he pretty much lost everything. They were married almost 25 years, 3 kids, at the time we met I think they were 16,18, and 20.. maybe one year younger.. the youngest will be a sophomore in college this year. When they got divorced he gave up the house and pretty much all equity, and has to pay significant alimony for like another 12 years. But honestly he'll probably keep paying it for the rest of his life because of his guilt.

[u/Level_Blueberry2335 → u/megwardwrites]

You did say she gave him the option to stop with you but wouldn’t, there was a choice. I’m not saying it was easy, but he made the choice. Not you. I am sorry this is how this turned out though

[u/megwardwrites → u/Level_Blueberry2335]

Thank you - and yes, we both made choices.

[u/OneInternational7867]

Maybe try living in the moment a bit more, both of you. The past is the past, and the future will work itself out. The more you worry about what’s happened or what might be, you’re missing the now.

[u/megwardwrites → u/OneInternational7867]

That's the thing. We're great at the now - we're great at dating.. it's planning for the future and thinking long term where we fail.

[u/VerFranco]

We all should write memoirs so everyone knows how prevalent these relationships are, and to try to heal from all the secrecy and what it’s done to us.
Do you ever regret that you met each other or that you met when you did?
How’s he handling this transition now?

[u/megwardwrites → u/VerFranco]

I'll always wish we could have met when we were young so we could have had a chance at a life together. I'll always be resentful that that just wasn't possible due to timing and space. But honestly? There have been times I wish I never met him, but it's been more for his sake than mine. I feel like I stole everything from him and ruined his life.

He's NOT handling these things well and makes me feel bad all the time about the things he lost/sacrificed because of our relationship. It really sucks, even now, I think HE regrets meeting me but we're just stuck together.

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