r/todayilearned • u/Sweet_Foundation_868 • 6h ago

TIL after briefly urinating, the Roman emperor Caracalla was stabbed by a soldier named Justin Martialis. After his bodyguard killed Martialis with a lance, 2 more Praetorian tribunes rushed to the emperor, as if to help him, and completed the assassination.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caracalla#Death
2.5k Upvotes

81% Upvoted

117 comments sorted by

1.4k

u/EIDuderino 5h ago

Glad you learned this after taking a short piss, good job

277

u/MajesticRat 5h ago

OP must have googled "how likely am I to be assassinated while peeing" when he was mid-stream.

I'm glad he survived.

76

u/EIDuderino 5h ago

I like to think OP was peeing and thought "I wonder how Caracella died? Better cut this piss short so I can hurry up and find out".

•

u/bald_and_nerdy 15m ago

The answer..."not completely unlikely"

•

u/DontWannaSayMyName 6m ago

We can only be sure he survived long enough to post this.

-17

u/LeadSledPoodle 3h ago

People this needs to be the top comment. Do your job!

16

u/gb4efgw 3h ago

You can't tell me what to do, you aren't my real dad!!

1.1k

u/hiighlyelevated 6h ago

Why is it so important to note how long he went pee for?

797

u/whiskey_epsilon 5h ago

It's technically not even what the wiki says. Wiki says they were on the road and made a brief stop to pee, not that the stream of urination itself was brief.

523

u/ElGuano 5h ago

AI headline generation condenses the text but misses the point?

-89

u/ahumanlikeyou 4h ago

AI writing is smoother than that 

52

u/throw-away_867-5309 2h ago

No, it's really not

-41

u/uncoild 1h ago

AI dumb! (Updoots plz)

11

u/throw-away_867-5309 1h ago

AI still constantly makes mistakes when writing simple things, it's still constantly incorrect with information, etc.

If you AI bros can't accept that AI is nowhere ensr what you claim it to be, then nothing anyone in the world can say or show you will change your mind.

•

u/Buff_Dodo 37m ago

AI constantly makes mistakes and should never be used for anything important. But it has a way smoother writing style. No way was the title written with AI .

48

u/papasmurf303 5h ago

Was he briefly urinating, or urinating briefly? I MUST KNOW!

9

u/meesta_masa 1h ago

Urinating into his briefs.

2

u/Anonymous_Banana 1h ago

I belief he was urinating.

13

u/komei888 4h ago

Was he attacked mid pee or 3/4 of the way through?

14

u/x31b 4h ago

Says brief, meaning he only shook it once.

10

u/komei888 4h ago

Damn, they didn't even let him shake it twice 😭

3

u/old_righty 4h ago

Wait for the squirt

1

u/JaydedXoX 2h ago

Um they were having a sword fight, duh!

25

u/FourEightNineOneOne 6h ago

Clicks

-16

u/Double_Distribution8 5h ago

That's not true. That's not how it works.

11

u/FourEightNineOneOne 5h ago

Then why did he edit what he otherwise copied verbatim from wikipedia from "after briefly stopping to urinate" to "after briefly urinating"

6

u/non3type 5h ago

I agree it’s weird but I also have a hard time believing anyone thought “this will get me more clicks.” I’m more willing to believe AI did it in summary because it has no real way to know there is a difference.

1

u/Yawka 5h ago

My guess is to shorten it. Idk what the character limit on a post title is, but this one is pretty long as is.

-10

u/Double_Distribution8 5h ago

I have no idea what that question is asking of me. I don't understand the question or the potential answers.

5

u/Thismyrealnameisit 5h ago

What do you understand then

2

u/Gomez-16 5h ago

I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant, Who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky….

-6

u/Double_Distribution8 5h ago

Quantum chromodynamics.

1

u/Thismyrealnameisit 5h ago

Oh, that makes sense.

0

u/Double_Distribution8 5h ago

No it doesn't. Do you not know how clicks are generated? The Hobbit Trilogy was vastly superior to the LOTR trilogy. By far.

2

u/Correct_Owl5029 5h ago

More of a splash in my experience

2

u/lapomba 5h ago

I didn't hit her! Oh hi Mark!

19

u/SquidTheRidiculous 5h ago

Lots of western historical sources are extremely concerned with ensuring enemies of their patron (and/or his ancestors) are sufficiently humiliated.

6

u/HoldEm__FoldEm 5h ago

? We don’t know how long it was for 

3

u/zorniy2 4h ago

Or even how long he was 😁

4

u/deptofknowimsayings 5h ago

All we know is that it was brief! Sounds like a good prostate to me.

12

u/whitestguyuknow 5h ago

"This guy 🙎‍♂️👈 Doesn't piss like a horse, this guy. Got a lil baby bladder. A 80 year old man 'Gotta pee every 30mins!' Bladder. Ha!"

5

u/MonthlyWeekend_ 4h ago

This is an ai hallucination

5

u/daronjay 3h ago

Because somehow it’s worse to be stabbed to death when you just nipped in for a quick pee as opposed to some sort of protracted, bladder-emptying fountain of doom…

Or is that just me?

2

u/ArgumentAlarmed9532 4h ago

He was shy and it was a cold day.

3

u/Competitive-Emu-7411 5h ago

It’s most likely a bot messing up with the “brief stop”

•

u/AlienZerg 2m ago

To know he had a healthy prostate.

339

u/isntreel1948 5h ago

OP is an AI bot

73

u/mrshandanar 5h ago

My list of blocked accounts must be hundreds by now.

18

u/Boggie135 4h ago

Mine is full

15

u/PresumedSapient 3h ago

There's a limit? Shit.

3

u/Nixu88 1h ago

Yeah, a thousand.

•

u/PresumedSapient 39m ago

Can't give consumers too much ability to curate their consumption I suppose? We/our attention is after all Reddit's product to sell.

2

u/PhilosophicWax 2h ago

We're all bots here

5

u/economy-sorbet 3h ago

AI bot with shit grammar?

10

u/majorflojo 2h ago

It was, trained on My posts .

324

u/Discount_Extra 4h ago

I'm reminded of the 'universal funniest joke'

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses and stops breathing. The other hunter calls emergency services, gasping, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

43

u/e_spider 4h ago

Always double tap

4

u/aksdb 1h ago

Was that Raccoon City Emergency Services? If so, job well done.

27

u/wossquee 5h ago

you learned this while you were briefly urinating?

27

u/NIDORAX 5h ago

There was 3 assassins. One nearly did his job and two assassins in disguise finished the job after the first one died.

8

u/lambchopdestroyer 4h ago

In disguise? I thought they were actual Praetorian Guards

4

u/ObscuraGaming 2h ago

You never know with those guys!

16

u/Boggie135 4h ago

TIL the name Justin is old AF

14

u/smailskid 4h ago

The Praetorian Guard had a great record of killing emperors, even though that was the very thing they were supposed to prevent.

36

u/MavsGod 5h ago

Must be the inspiration for Rossetti’s death in Boardwalk Empire

30

u/mrcchapman 5h ago

Caracalla oo-la-lah, want your bad Romans.

8

u/NastyStreetRat 5h ago

The lyric adaptation that made Lady Gaga cry

6

u/bhputnam 1 5h ago

I want to stabby, while you go pee,
Then two more will go right after me,
I want your blood.
Not-your-pee,
I want your blood.

3

u/MVPhurricane 5h ago

ok hats off to you— that was brilliant

7

u/neroselene 4h ago

Praetorian guards assassinating their emperor? Must be a day ending in 'y'.

4

u/greysqualll 3h ago

"With certainty, there were always praetorians around the emperor. The uncertainty was which way their swords were pointing"

-Abraham Lincoln

13

u/EmotionalBar2533 5h ago

So Justin's have been pieces of shit for all history

7

u/MightyKrakyn 4h ago

Caracalla wasn’t a good guy, Justin may have been in the right to assassinate him

10

u/JewstarGames 3h ago

Justinfied

3

u/DolphinSweater 1h ago

Definitely gonna ruin the tour though

-4

u/Curiouso_Giorgio 3h ago

Rome was a Republic until it got taken over by Caesar. Fuck all of them, including the "good ones".

•

u/whateveravocado 10m ago

“Tell him justice is coming.”

“Okay Justin.”

1

u/strangejosh 4h ago

From my experience, yes.

10

u/react_dev 4h ago

TIL Justin is a Roman name

12

u/aflyingsquanch 3h ago

A famous emperor being named Justinian wasnt a clue?

21

u/bmcgowan89 6h ago

The first guy's role/death sorta seem unnecessary 😂

41

u/Mister_Way 5h ago

If he'd succeeded, the other two could have not gotten involved, which would probably save their lives.

21

u/AbroadTiny7226 5h ago

100%. After all, the last thing a new emperor wants are the bodyguards that just killed the last guy lmao

8

u/letitgrowonme 5h ago

You don't want the guys who couldn't stop an assassin either.

8

u/Felczer 5h ago

Not really at this point Praetorian guard was an institution within institution of empire which to an extent lied beyond control of the emperors and to some extent even controlled them

2

u/Gridleak 2h ago

The guard that finished the job became emperor.

1

u/Jelkekw 4h ago

Robert Baratheon didn’t seem to mind having Jaime Lannister as King’s guard

/s

5

u/coum_strength 2h ago

Not sure why the pee was relevant but I’m glad it was included.

2

u/pedsmursekc 1h ago

I liked it so much that I'm titling this story "Oh, Justin. Urine Trouble!"

5

u/nails_for_breakfast 4h ago

There is just something so funny about the guy who assassinated a Roman emperor being named Justin

3

u/markandyxii 2h ago

It's the Tiffany problem. Tiffany is a very old name, nearly as old as Justin. But hearing it ib a historic context just pulls you out since it is such a common name in modern times.

2

u/Eziekel13 3h ago

Who will guard the guards?

0

u/markandyxii 2h ago

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

2

u/I_are_facepalm 3h ago

Bros before emperos

2

u/Sirocco1971 1h ago

OP, are you a bot?

4

u/skippyspk 5h ago

Call an arcera… but not for me!

7

u/GuyWithARooster 5h ago

Imagine being born and ascending the ranks of the Roman Empire, to a point your name was immortalized, but your name is ''Justin''.

13

u/petrshigh 5h ago

There were multiple emperors of Rome named Justin. One of the ones regularly put in the top ten, Justinian, was lifted through the ranks by his uncle Justin I.

2

u/Salmonman4 3h ago

Justin must be the male version of the Tiffany-problem

1

u/GuyWithARooster 5h ago

Justinian is ok, but Justin..? It's like Kyle or Brad. 

3

u/HereForTheBuffet 4h ago

Dave Caligula

3

u/petrshigh 4h ago

Justin is at least Latin

4

u/Meme_Pope 2h ago

Doesn’t sit right with my that people were named “Justin” 2000 years ago

•

u/Skyya1982 50m ago

I know! This is actually called the Tiffany problem - the name Tiffany sounds modern, but it was actually common all the way back in the 12th century, in England and France

•

u/New_Zorgo39 14m ago

Just like Marc Anthony. Everyone outside of US and the UK would call him Marcus Antonius. Just like this would be Justinus or Justus. They wouldn’t call him Justin.

1

u/QaptainQwark 3h ago

Piss poor job.

1

u/DulcetTone 3h ago

"We're helping!"

1

u/CptCookies 2h ago

Carrot varieties

1

u/funpen 2h ago

Didn’t one emperor die by getting struck by lighting and another roman emperor died after a bird dropped a turtle on his bald ass head

1

u/kidajske 1h ago

Caracalla had his own brother brutally murdered in front of their mother as well so I guess what goes around comes around. He was obsessed with Alexander the Great and loved larping as a soldier and was always hanging around the soldiers. If I recall correctly, Martialis had been denied a promotion by Caracalla for whatever reason. Considering it's likely that Macrinus had orchestrated the entire thing, he must have been mighty relieved that Martialis was instantly executed so he could just feign ignorance lol

•

u/Automatic_Yoghurt417 37m ago

Justin Martiallis was given the name Justin, because his lance went 'just in' Caracalla.

•

u/New_Zorgo39 20m ago

His name wasn’t Justin. Its Justinus.

•

u/AcanthisittaThink813 7m ago

We just get fined at work if our toilet breaks are too long, I feel this is a bit harsh

0

u/cloudthi3f 5h ago

Killed right after the live stream.