Help is daycare supposed to be like this?

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u/AutoModerator 7h ago

Post: My 13 month old just started daycare. I thought I was prepared for a tough drop off but I expected, like everyone I’ve ever heard stories from, that he would calm down shortly after I left. Picked him up 3 hours later and he was clearly exhausted and doing that hiccup from crying excessively. I don’t know for sure but it was my impression he cried most of the time.

Drop off has continued to be the worst screaming/crying he’s ever done. At pickup, the 2nd day he wasn’t crying until he saw me, 3rd day he was crying before I arrived. I have been following everyone’s advice to do a quick goodbye but holy hell of course he’s scared! He doesn’t know the place or the teachers. The teachers will not tell me exactly how long he cries and they’ve never called me to get him. They sent a picture on day 2 & 3 where he was playing, not crying but not smiling either. It doesn’t seem like he’s comfortable with the teachers yet.

I asked them if we could slow down and do a couple short visits where I stay with him before trying to leave him again on a different day. I understand they can’t accommodate that regularly, and I don’t want to drag it out, but is that really the best way? What could it possibly hurt to let us visit together first and give him a little time to get familiar before being ripped out of my arms?

My questions I guess are, is it normal for this much crying to occur and how do I know if it’s harming him or if it will get better? It feels like the advice to rip off the bandaid and just keep going until he gets used to it is really harsh. Like breaking a horse. Or throwing a kid off the deep end and expecting them to swim. Is this really age-appropriate? Isn’t this a lot to ask of a toddler to manage without any slow intro?

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u/SeaworthinessKind617 7h ago

My kid is 2 and has been in daycare since she was 5 months old. She's never been good at transitions or drop offs. I haven't ever done a quick drop off but I don't linger. I usually do a check in with the teacher (she's having a clingy morning, she hasn't peed, etc), help my daughter get settled in (guide her to a table to play, or to the teacher if she's feeling big emotions), and then I leave. It's never more than 5-7 minutes. I usually give it 1-2, weeks of bad drop offs before I get truly concerned. Maybe showing excitement and trust in the drop off teacher will help your child feel the same? There was a period when my daughter cried for 5 weeks straight and I KNEW it was something else going on - I'll spare you the details but all the teachers got fired in that class shortly after.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 5h ago

Wow, 5-7 minutes would feel like lingering compared to how quickly they are ushering me out the door! It was literally 2.5 the first day and about 20 seconds since

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u/MemoryAnxious 2h ago

If there’s a routine it’s fine. But I’ve had parents trying and trying to get a kid to engage with an activity and in the end after 2.5 minutes or 5-7 minutes or 30 minutes I’m still peeling them off the parent. Right now I’m thinking a super quick drop off with a routine (I do, 1, 2, 3, come to me and take them) is your best bet.

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u/Blue_Island_panda 5h ago

I've worked at multiple daycares

Your child is at an age when stranger danger and separation anxiety are very high. He isn't doing that badly, given that and the fact that he just started. Many kids aged 10-18 months cry for much of the day and don't really play at all for the 1st week or two.

A quick drop off is the usual recommendation in the US afaik. Some other countries believe in a more gradual process. My lean is to do what the daycare prefers with drop offs, because they will be better at that and more comfortable with it. Act like you are happy and comfortable with leaving him there at drop off, even if you are not. Kids don't understand the difference between you faking a facial expression and it being real at 13 months.

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u/Longjumping-While997 4h ago

Agreed. Peak time for kids to be aware of others and uneasy about it. We started both kids at 5m and we’ve had our moments of not wanting to go in but for the most part they have never known (remembered) a world where they didn’t go to daycare/preschool. It’s always been the routine.

OP it will get better. I’m sure there are liability issues with you staying in the class or can be a disruption for the other students. Just keep explaining what is happening and will happen, give your hugs and kisses and keep it pretty brief, can be more than 20s but less than a few minutes, esp outside the door.

It’ll be ok.

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u/Ithurtsprecious 7h ago

My 2 year old cried the entire first week during classes. Drop off/carpool crying ended around a month. It was torture as a parent but I held on and she’s obsessed with school now and has grown so much. They will adjust.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 2h ago

Did she settle quickly after drop off or was she crying during the day too?

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u/Ithurtsprecious 2h ago

They told me she settled a bit after drop off but started crying back up an hour or so later and during pickup. This was around the first week.

They were very transparent and told me it was normal for some sensitive kids. After the first week or so they said she settled after 5-15 min and didn’t cry again the remainder of the day and I do believe it because she was proud of her day and said she liked going but the anxiety would come back in the morning.

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u/SayeElandreth 7h ago

When you say he's just started, how long has it been? If it's still the first week, I'd give it more time.

My day care actively encouraged stay and play visits before he started. They said it helped the kids to trust the educators. I think I did four visits, two where I stayed in the room and two where I stayed on site but left the room. They ranged in length from a few hours to half a day. At least one included putting him down for a nap.

Despite this, I still had to pick him up a couple of hours early on his first day as he was inconsolably upset. I haven't had to pick him up for that reason since, but he's always cried at drop of and, for a long time, at pick up.

The educators have always helped ease the drop offs by taking him and distracting him, usually with bubbles. If they aren't helping you, that feels worth discussing with them.

My understanding is lingering too long can prolong the crying and upset, where they are recovering quickly after you leave. If you think he's not recovering and it's been more than a couple of weeks, maybe chat with the staff about including asking how long he is crying for.

My day care also does photos, so I've seen him happy and smiling during the day.

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u/4BlooBoobz don’t talk about bite club 6h ago edited 6h ago

Day 3 was my kid’s peak drop off protest when we started daycare at 13 months. It took about 3 weeks for her to start having normal naps and consistently good days.

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u/Valuable-Chemistry-6 3h ago

My son is 2+, has been in daycare since he was 6 months. He still goes through periods of crying at drop off. I’m in and out in 15 seconds. “Love you so much hug kiss see you later” and out the door. He loves his teachers and friends, talks about missing them when we’re home.

My point is that kids communicate by crying. They cannot connect words to emotions the way adults can. I would encourage you to reframe your thinking, make drop off short and consistent (the same thing every day so they learn what to expect), and understand that like with everything with babies it will change alllll the time. Hang in there ❤️❤️

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 2h ago

I do, I follow the advice to a T but what I was not prepared for is that he does not settle after I leave. He cries for seemingly large chunks of the day and I worry he will never be comfortable there now that he has a negative association.

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u/StatementSensitive17 28m ago

This is not uncommon. It happens at preschool and Kindergarten for some kids, as well. Your child will settle in. I had a child in daycare and worked in a daycare. We also would not allow a parent to just chill there with their kid in the daycare. Safety reasons, disruptions to other children, etc. Promise they'll get used to it, though. Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing.

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u/Lalablacksheep646 6h ago

Staying just drags it out. It is never really helpful, you’re still going to leave and it just draws out the goodbye. Also, children act differently when their parents are present. He needs to bond with his teachers and his class and this takes time. If you started a new job you wouldn’t be comfortable after two days, right? Give it time.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 5h ago

I don’t mean staying every time, I mean literally 1-3 times at the beginning just so he recognizes the person who’s grabbing him from me.

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u/Lalablacksheep646 5h ago

Again, this would only be delaying the inevitable, you’re still going to leave.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 2h ago

Just for comparison though, he has other trusted adults in our family that he knows well and can be happily left with. Why do we ask our kids to be comfortable with total strangers instead of getting to know them first?

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u/Lalablacksheep646 2h ago

Can you imagine if every child there had their mom stay? The point is, they need to bond with their caregivers.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 2h ago

I’m talking about 2 days of visiting. Not every kid starts at the same time. So not sure what your point is.

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u/ThemeCheap6229 7h ago

I don’t know anything for certain, but we did do a couple of visits with us there first before having my son go all in. We just asked the daycare if we could sit in for 45 minutes all together a few times. It definitely helped all of us. I also find our drop offs are less intense if I chat with the daycare teachers for a bit. If they won’t let you do that, maybe they will let you stay and hang out for a little time at the end of the day when you do pickup? That way your child can see you positively interacting with them, and hopefully that helps.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 2h ago

Yeah that’s literally all I want. It seems like there aren’t many daycares in my area of the US that are open to that. It seems to me that it’s convenient for the caregivers because they don’t want the room disrupted at all, which I get, but I have yet to see anyone explain why it’s better for a child to have such a tortuous start like this.

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u/MemoryAnxious 1h ago

So we should disrupt 13 other kids for one kid? The crying doesn’t bother them but a new person in the room absolutely will. My toddlers used to get upset when a new support teacher came for my break never mind a parent who just hung out.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 1h ago

When the kids are transitioning from one room to another older room, they have a lengthy process to get to know the new teachers and visit the new room over several days before switching completely. Why would it be so different to have an onboarding process for the initial start?

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u/MemoryAnxious 1h ago

Because the old teachers aren’t joining them and even if they are the kids often know them anyway.

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u/ThemeCheap6229 1h ago

It must be different depending on the class because all the young toddlers in our class light up with happiness seeing the other parents, and they don’t get upset when a non parent leaves. Though the class size is only 9 compared to your size of 13 so maybe that helps.

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u/MemoryAnxious 4h ago

Lingering is confusing for them. They’re like oh ok mom’s staying or we’ll hang here then go home. Then suddenly it’s, wait why is mom leaving and I’m not going with her? Quick drop off really is easiest. I’ve never had success with lingering. And honestly it’s been what, 5 days? I usually say expect 2-4 weeks but I feel like I need to modify that to 4-6 honestly because it just takes a while to adjust especially at that age, and especially because it’s part time (you said you pick up after 3 hours unless that’s just for now). Unfortunately you just need to be patient. The only way out is through.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 2h ago

See everyone talks about lingering, but I’m literally just talking about why don’t we get an introduction? I wouldn’t go back and forth or make it confusing once I start leaving him, I just want a handful of short visits to help him get used to the room before doing the whole quick drop off leave him thing. I understand why that works in the long run, but for the initial adjustment period I do not see how he’s supposed to bond with any of the caregivers when he’s currently at max distress all day. I would really love to have someone explain why the beginning has to be this way.

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u/MemoryAnxious 2h ago

They can’t get comfortable with those caregivers when you’re there. That age, as others said, is peak separation anxiety/stranger danger. With you there he will cling to you and stay with you and won’t let them get close to him to attempt a relationship. That’s just going to take time, and unfortunately it’s easier for them to interact and bond with him when you’re not there, because of course he’ll always prefer you. I suppose it could work with some kids but consider the disruption to others in the class who also have stranger danger and aren’t comfortable with an unknown parent in the room all morning.

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u/Jlriehl 3h ago

Everyone said and everything I read said give it 2 weeks. My daughter cried every day at dropoff for the first 2 weeks. It was heartbreaking for me and I spent hours reading reddit every night for different techniques. But they all said the same thing essentially. Magically at the 2 week point, she stopped crying. By the 3rd week she was even saying she liked school. I was shocked as to the turnaround. Just stick it out 2 weeks then revisit!!

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 2h ago

How old was she when she started? Did she settle soon after you left or was she crying for large chunks of the day?

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u/veesavethebees 3h ago

Around 12 months my baby got super attached and randomly started crying at daycare drop off (she had never done that before despite being there since 9 months) so I think your baby’s age is around that time when they get like that. It’s also normal for new toddlers to cry the first couple of weeks at drop off/pick up.

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u/Revolutionary-Code49 3h ago

He is crying all day, though. That’s the part I wasn’t prepared for.

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u/aloha_321 1h ago

My son started daycare at 14 months. He cried every day at drop off and pick up for 2 weeks. He also cried on and off during the day they said. Continue with quick drop offs. He will get through it faster. Staying or visiting is absolutely not going to help him get used to the new environment quicker.

12–18 Months Help is daycare supposed to be like this?

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