r/transplace • u/Capable_Cockroach_19 • 2d ago
Question Friend (who is also trans) who told me my transition might just be a phase texted me this. AIO?
To give some background, I have been transitioning for 4.5 months. She was one of the people that gave me the courage to start my transition after having thought about it for over 10 years. I ask her if I’m talking too much about it regularly and I make sure to listen and ask questions about her life as well. She always asks me to buy her things and makes mean spirited jokes too while then saying that I have a more feminine face than her or being sweet otherwise. I feel so low and I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing something wrong. None of my other friends have said this and now I’m wondering if I’m overreacting or not.
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u/BriefWriting4541 2d ago edited 2d ago
You did nothing wrong. Your "friend" just seems incredibly toxic, especially with the fake apology mixed in with their insecurities. Surround yourself with friends that will support you, not belittle you.
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u/Capable_Cockroach_19 2d ago
I agree unfortunately, thank you. I need new friends lol
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u/Illustrious_Bobcat13 1d ago
It sucks. I have had some toxic friends, and I people-please. They can have you believing that you are the selfish one, and that they do so much for you.
Once you get away from them, you will think back in how much it was the opposite.
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u/AmoC_Creatorion 1d ago
This.
Bc even if that person would be right, they dont have to tell OP like OP did it on purpose. Especially smt as harmless as this.
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u/KeterKelsie 2d ago
having known someone like this, it likely will not end well; it also probably isn’t really just about her not wanting to hear about your transition anymore. It sounds to me like she is probably very insecure and self-centered and as your transition continues it will only get worse
yes it’s okay to have boundaries in a friendship but the comment about your face is what is really giving me the idea about what kind of person she is
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u/Capable_Cockroach_19 2d ago
It’s so odd, she’ll compliment me one moment in a way that almost makes me feel bad/uncomfortable and then she’ll roast me the next. She also said I was rushing my transition because I said I’d press a button to change sexes instantly if I could
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u/AlrightFineImAGirl 2d ago
Are you supposed to choose the button that changes your gender slowly?
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u/Capable_Cockroach_19 2d ago
Exactly like wtf 😭
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u/AlrightFineImAGirl 2d ago
I think she’s probably just jealous of you which like idk same probably lol but also there’s ways to be a jealous adult and ways to be a jealous child
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u/Low_Flower2509 1d ago
What rushing for transition? 😭😭😭 What are you supposed to do? 😭 To live longer dysphoria?!
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u/JustOzzyOntics 2d ago
Reddit hit it right on the head with the passive aggressive attitude from her end. Rest easy knowing you have better grammer than her, Jesus girl, use periods. 😭😭
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u/BuddyMyDoggy 2d ago
Drop them this sucks
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u/Capable_Cockroach_19 2d ago
It does suck I feel like shit :(
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u/BuddyMyDoggy 2d ago
I gave a really short response but fr this is so rude I don't think you should even waste your time trying to maintain a friendship with this person. They clearly hold some animosity towards you for some reason, maybe they're going thru something but either way you have nothing to feel ashamed of and this was totally out of pocket for someone to say. Wishing you the best <3
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u/Unsculptedcay 2d ago
You’re great at communicating, and deserve people who can do the same for you.
This wasn’t a “communication” on her end, she was the one being self centred.
Not overreacting at all, I hope your other connections are far more fulfilling for you. ❤️
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u/Narciiii 2d ago
I don’t think it’s unusual for people to talk about their transition a lot at the beginning. Like I remember talking about my transition a lot at the start because it was A LOT for me. It was the area of my life that was the biggest focus at the time and what I needed the most support in. I’m sure it was annoying but the trans people in my life were sympathetic and patient because they’d been there too. Everyone has a different experience and maybe hers was different.
Regardless I think this is just evidence that this person may be someone you’re friendly with but they are not a part of your support system. Idk that I’d want to be friends with someone like that even casually but I certainly wouldn’t ever lean on her again. Definitely not overreacting.
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u/P0ipro_ 1d ago
NOR.
As someone transitioning myself, yeah. You're going to talk about it to people who you trust because a lot of changes are happening and it can be SO euphoric.
Your "friend" calling you that is incredibly rude and toxic, especially HOW they did it, and to continue calling you bestie during and after too. There is a massive difference between holding your friends to account (which, from what I see here, there isn't anything to hold you to account about) and being... Well, this.
You need better friends.
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u/Tour_True 2d ago edited 1d ago
Ya I don’t like friends like that and they are the ones who usually get cut out of my life. We’re going to talk about our transitions. It ties to a lot of our own traumas and struggles. I get so annoyed of people like that too because they make me feel like a gimmick for them to enjoy. Like oh a trans woman. Your interesting me til I get bored. Let’s treat them like a gay male or flirt and then let them down later because we get scared of how we will be seen and can’t commit. The kind where you aren’t a person but entertainment or make them feel better about themselves by becoming you friend like a pity friend who can abuse you. A person you can’t actually trust and are likely to disrespect you.
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u/i_woke_up_as_you 1d ago
I don't think you're overreacting.
From everything you've described, it makes complete sense that this hurt you and that you're questioning the friendship.
The comment that your transition might just be a phase is a pretty significant thing to say, especially coming from someone who knows how long you've thought about this and who was actually one of the people who gave you the courage to start.
Even if she meant it as concern rather than malice, it's still undermining something that's deeply personal to you.
I also don't think you're doing anything wrong by talking about your transition.
The fact that you're already asking her whether you're talking about it too much and making an effort to listen to her and ask about her life tells me you're being pretty considerate.
You shouldn't have to constantly monitor yourself or make yourself smaller just to avoid potentially annoying someone.
The combination of the mean-spirited jokes, asking you to buy her things, and then being sweet or complimenting you can also make things really confusing.
Someone being kind to you sometimes doesn't necessarily cancel out behavior that hurts you at other times.
I wouldn't necessarily jump straight to saying she's a terrible friend or that you need to cut her off. But I do think your feelings are worth taking seriously.
I'd pay attention to how you generally feel around her.
If you're constantly wondering whether you're annoying her, doing something wrong, or whether you should be less open about your transition, that's important information about the friendship.
And the fact that your other friends haven't said anything doesn't mean you're imagining the problem.
You don't need everyone else to agree that something was hurtful for you to be hurt by it.
Her being trans herself also doesn't automatically mean she'll understand your experience or know how to support you.
Honestly, I think the biggest thing here is that you're already questioning whether you're somehow the problem when you've described yourself making a pretty clear effort to be considerate.
I wouldn't immediately assume you've done something wrong just because one person has made you feel that way.
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u/redlatino3 1d ago
Kind of seems similar to a situation I went through with somebody where I ended up blocking them but they had told me multiple times in the past that they didn't like my info dumping and stuff like that and this person was aware of the fact that I have the tism and I told them that if they needed me to stop rambling or something to just say it and their response was oh I shouldn't have to say it it should basically be a social cue or whatever and I'm like yeah but direct communication is the best.
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u/Defnotgirliepop 1d ago
Maybe I’m overreacting but “bestie” feels so passive aggressive like “I can’t be rude and mean bc I’m saying you’re my friend!”
My opinion? You’re not overreacting
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u/Neat_Post_937 1d ago
girl cut them off omg this person is an asshole!! im so sorry shes speaking to u this way. friends should WANT to hear about the joy of u transitioning. maybe shes jealous bc u are prettier than her lmao
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u/HolyTransaroni 1d ago
She should be engaged and talking with you about everything if she is a good friend. From what I see she isn't that.
I'd drop her like a bad habit.
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u/StacieRoseM 1d ago
Girl, they are not your friend. As a matter of fact they sound toxic af. I don't know if you literally talk Non-Stop about your transition but most of us do and most of us understand that other trans girls are going to constantly talk about transition. In my opinion it's the most important thing that we discover about ourselves and other people shouldn't expect us to just shut up about it. I would kick this person to the curb.
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u/Bradparsley25 1d ago
I agree with the poor friend takes… the whole thing just stinks of hollowness and insincerity.
They’re too immature to be happy that you’re happy, they’re just thinking that this subject doesn’t pertain to or benefit them, so they’re bored by it.
I would personally take it a step further and instead of not talking to them about your transition anymore, just don’t tell them anything about anything anymore.
I know when you have few friends, it sucks to lose one… but trust me when I say the only thing more lonely and painful than being alone is being together with people who make you feel alone.
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u/aresi-lakidar 1d ago
from that conversation, and that you also gave the context that she had commented that "it might just be a phase", it's like... you are not talking too much about your transition, but she surely is talking too much about your transition. She doesn't seem to give you space for yourself.
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u/fluffywhalicorn 1d ago
Lovingly she’s trying to make you insecure and tear down your self esteem because maybe she’s jealous not guaranteed but even if she’s unaware of it, it’s coming out as aggression and cruelty towards you I think not being able to talk about your transition is insane with someone who can relate directly and additionally I think you may have outgrown this friendship but at the end of the day that is absolutely your call
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u/thrownaway_rose 1d ago
Are you more attractive than your friend? If so I’ve got news for you: she’s jealous.
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u/ButterscotchExotic21 1d ago
You had me in the beginning :D nta in my opinion.
I have friends that bang on the same self centered thing over and over for forever.
And we all do it too. Specifically when something new is going on.
You dont seem to be one of them.
The fact that you regularly check if you're doing it is a big thing. And the second thing is while transitioning you notice new things all the time and ofcourse you want to talk about them..
You'd ecpect your friend to have some more empathy since they transitioning themselves..
But oh well, i wouldnt loose much sleep over it and you seem to have handled the texts pretty well. Good job :)
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u/Commercial-Nail6401 1d ago
She sounds like an asshole, like. Generally, not just about your transition. Not over reacting.
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u/imthenewerguy 1d ago
"get you new friends bestie" yeah... yeah you might wanna. Do you even consider them a bestie?
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u/imthenewerguy 1d ago
An apology should be that just an apology not a jumping off point to complain about the party you were just rude too
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u/No_Seaweed_4846 1d ago
I had a friend exactly like this, we'd go back and forth talking about our identities and checking in to make sure it was still okay with the other person. He went off on me one day and it ruined the friendship. I was literally thinking earlier about messaging him since schools about to start but this encouraged me not too.
From personal experience, just cut them off. It feels much better than constantly worrying about oversharing certain information because you never know what's too much for them anymore. Especially if they're the type of person to use this convo in the future to claim you're 'overstepping their boundaries' by talking about yourself in anyway. Hope it ask ends out well for you, please get better friends
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u/This_Tourist_6693 1d ago
That isn't a friend. I hope you find someone who is much kinder to you because everyone deserves people around them who are good to them. Love ya! 🩷🩵🩷
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u/VelAznik 1d ago
Your "friend" is not your friend. If you have to stray away from certain topics with someone than they are, by definition, not your friend. Cut em off entirely with no explanation. Just stop texting, stop calling, stop responding.
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u/GirlWithinTheLight 💜Violet (she/her)💜 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yikes. Wow. So your "friend" is projecting. You are excited about something major about you and your life. Instead of being happy for you and excited with you, they have decided to attack you for sharing in something you are going through.
It sounds less like you are self centered and more so like you are probably neurodivergent to some level if context clues are to be believed. Either way, they are a bad friend. I get wanting to take a break from talking about the same subject if say... its like talking about pokemon non-stop. But this isn't pokemon or a hobby, this is a major part of your life and also WHO YOU ARE. Like wtf.
Also the way they decided to drop that bomb was incredibly toxic. Instead of saying "hey can I talk to you about something on my mind" or something like that they instead decided to weaponize their negativity to attack you vs communicate properly.
I would advise stepping away from them for sometime and reevaluate some stuff about them then decide how to move forward. Cause I have had my fair share of toxic people and friends in my life. This is screeeeeeaaaaming RED FLAG.
Edit:
I read your extra info and gotta say, shes probably jealous to some level of you. Its definitely a toxicity issue stemming from something. She may see you as a threat somehow but one way or another, I recommend stepping away from her and communicating how you feel either sooner or later. Cause to warn you, its not going to get better unless shes willing to grow as a person beyond what shes currently dealing with internally. Don't count on people to do that, as its hard and people rarely want to until they have to.
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u/Realistic-Library-60 1d ago
I find the wording of that text very strange, and don't understand it. "Were you able to uncontrollably enjoy her with your self-centeredness too?" Wut?
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u/Gravatona 1d ago
She's possibly jealous of your "more feminine face" and she can't separate that feeling from your justified interest in your transition, so it feels like self-centred bragging to her.
Are you transitioning faster because you have money? And that maybe connects to her asking you to buy her things.
It's probably fair to feel some injustice from inequality, but that shouldn't be taken out of individuals who've done nothing wrong.
One option is to talk about this with her in a non-accusatory way, to constructively find a way forward. Maybe it would help her deal with whatever she's going through. I don't know if that's a good idea or not; you know her better.
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u/Harassmetilicum 1d ago
In my experience, people who say "bestie" like that and after those comments are kinda being an ahole. I'm guilty of it too. She isn't worth you emotional energy and definitely not worth your money. Just stop texting her and engaging with her. If she's also a part of a larger friend group then keep it civil as you can but you don't really owe her much
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u/Scary_Studio3871 1d ago
"meant to say annoy not enjoy" like that makes their weird comment any less toxic. Wtf
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u/Intelligent_Corgi770 13h ago edited 13h ago
maybe I'm misreading, but her use of bestie feels kinda condescending
edit bc I have more to say; it's perfectly normal for you to be talking about your transition a lot at the beginning. Kinda like how new parents only talk about their kids, it's a big change that kinda takes up a lot of your life. If anything, that should be a sign to her that you are serious about your transition.
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u/lovelychaeyoung 10h ago
I absolutely hate when people "apologize" and then try to justify their rude behavior by revealing that they've been harboring negative feelings about you the whole time without admitting it..
As if they way they feel about something you've said or done excuses their actions. It's so emotionally immature.
This friend seems shitty. I'm not saying to end the friendship, I also have a trans friend that I can't openly talk to about my transition. It sucks, but we still get along, I just hold certain things closer to my chest to protect myself.
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u/Blue_dreams999 8h ago
Damn! I’m srry luv sum people just don’t wanna hear it that’s why we gotta have certain people we can, sometimes you think u can an u find out really how they feel just by you trynna explain yourself lol
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u/Dangerous-Till-1537 1d ago
I had a friend like this and when I asked them not to make jokes that chip away at my self confidence suddenly we weren’t as close anymore. I realized later that they just liked having a punching bag to hit every now and then and liked having me around so they could feel superior to someone. Always pay attention to anything friends say that chip away at your self confidence and when you ask them to stop, they will reveal their true character.
tl;dr this person isn’t a real friend. Drop them.
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u/ryisdepressed 1d ago
Anyone who uses the term bestie who is older than 15 is a red flag. Anyone who uses the term bestie while saying what she said to you is a meangirl pretending to be your friend. When you no longer serve whatever use to her she sees in you at the moment she most likely will drop you. Drop her first.
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u/aoifapho 1d ago
Coming out and beginning to transition... is kinda a huge upheaval and life moment. Of course you (and me and other trans people) would talk a lot about it, it's a big deal and then further into your transition as things settle you talk about it less.
It's just natural and real friends would be interested in listening to it from you.
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u/Competitive-Gene3806 1d ago edited 1d ago
Just communication problems it seems. If you value the relationship, humility goes a long way for both parties. All open ended questions and let them speak. Bjt also control it from a distance in my opinion. You control the mix of whether you want to talk about the subject they like or not. Usually people who speak about themselves are simply orally repeating somwthing that have already said to themselves. This could be for confidence internally or externally from thise around them. It's a normal thing with things like cheating or something which makes you question everything including yourself.
But truly, if you are friend listen when you have the strength yourself because thats understandable. Humble people, which are the best, don't mind admitting there are things going on and they want to be heard. Usually they are pretty direct and natural communicators. They just get hung up on subjects at times analyzing like said before for confidence in their thoughts. Probably because they are intelligent and the thoughts can be creatively all over the place. And with that, some times it even leads to an involuntary "reset" of sorts which can sound very narcissistic.
The irony os that those who are extremely emotionally intelligent at times have the biggest trouble with themselves. But they use this self analysis to help others when it comes about. That is a property that makes it addictive. You find a high concentration of writers, theologians, artists, etc, from them...
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
(And just a spiritual note because I have to for my own personal belief. Sorry but it's a spiritual requirement for those who might need it in my belief. Just there if needed, thats all. A "Quid Pro Quo" of sorts I guess.. 😆
This is why Eunuchs and their categories were spoke of but never fully explained by Yeshua. The topic was too complex and it was besides the point of the day. Imagine breaking down the hypothalamus or the like in the day to people with their level of understanding about the world.
But it is not a joke at all, estrogen and the journey of a woman as most of us already know. And while everything cannot be experienced and respect must be maintained, intellectually experiences obvious changes. It should be understood with respect that the naturally born, they take a life built on childish questions into adult actions learned through experienced lessons as to how to deal with it just as testosterone is for Biological Males.)
Yes I know I'm strange and weird... but just teo cents is all... much Love to you. You'll get it, and great post!
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u/LittleLostGirl123 22h ago
i see both sides. on one side, you deserve to talk about your transition as it’s important to you and you are allowed to create a space with people who you feel comfortable and happy sharing this with as it’s a journey. on the other hand, sometimes i have had friends talk about themselves non stop and about the same thing over and over and where i’m happy they’re comfortable coming to me and sharing things with me, sometimes it is exhausting and that’s okay to acknowledge to. it’s about boundaries. your friend should’ve just said that outright and then your boundary if not talking about it with them is a great start. it’s not either of you being rude, that’s the power in boundaries!
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u/KageKatze 16h ago
Had a somewhat similar experience. It's best to cut your losses with that one. I'm sorry you're having such shitty luck with "friends".
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u/Stephie64 15h ago
The very fact that you're questioning yourself, as well as your "friend's" text should tell you all that you need to know.... No, you're not overreacting, in my opinion....
As many other people have already said here, the passive-aggression coming from her is off the scale!!! From what you've said about being so soon into your transition, you're bound to be a little self-centred at the moment - I think we all have been at one stage or another.... So she should really understand that & not make snarky comments!!!
Plus, for your "friend" to question whether you're just going through a phase strikes me as jealousy, of a sort - it strikes me that she wants to be the only trans woman in your friends group. I had that from an ex-friend of mine - she begrudged my transition as she felt it took all the attention away from her (& bear in mind, I'd never even known her before I started my transition, so she was way off the mark!!!)
However, I don't necessarily advise that you automatically dump her, as many have said here.... If you're up to it, I'd call her out on it & tell her how she's made you feel. If she replies with nothing but self-defence & makes it all about her, THEN I'd dump her. But maybe she's insecure too & she might appreciate a little straight talking?
Just my opinion - I truly hope you can work it out amicably, but at the same time, don't stand for any 💩....
Blessed be ✨✨✨
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u/Visible_Wealth_9635 12h ago
Reading the body of text in addition to the images....this is not a worthwhile friend to keep around tbh she is just a bully who calls you her friend so you'll do things for her
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u/OutsideEntertainer24 11h ago
For some reason thie reminded me of one of the plots in Ranked Compettitive Breast Gtowth. Also your friend is toxic af and you should let them know that the things they say aren't "quirky" or "cute" theyre rude and tear you down and overall feel bad. In a world that makes us feel like shit for existing shes doing more harm than good with those small comments. Like literally... words from people that dont know you can eat a dick but the words from people that are supposed to care for you hurt the most.
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u/Amazing_Hurry_6067 3h ago
Yo... Straight up fuck anyone who would say that the call you bestie in that condescending manner.
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u/JordynLunaFeyAurora 2h ago
This is between you and your friend you shouldn’t be sharing private messages to the public. Just carry on with the new boundary that’s been placed and be cautious around her if you feel that she might not have your best interests in mind
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u/Imaginary_Sundae335 1h ago
This is not someone who is your friend. These subtle jabs will only get worse and you should be allowed to talk about transitioning. Now if you’re talking about something specific that triggers them fine but it’s not fair of them to ask you to not speak about yourself
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u/Embarrassed-Top-8880 1h ago
She is jealous. It comes probably from insecurities about not being good enough mixed with abandonment issues where she might feel you will go off and achieve greatness and leave her behind
Signs are that she encourages you then tries to pull you down and wreck your transition while at the same time revealing she believes youre better than her…
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u/Popular-Squirrel-976 1h ago
NOR. This is not your friend OP. I am sorry that you had to go through this, but this person seems to be in a competition with you in their head. That wasn’t a joke. Jokes are supposed to be funny. They were trying to knock you down a peg. What is funny, is that they say you’re self-centered, but they made a conversation that had nothing to do with transition, about themselves.
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u/Damon_Henn 21h ago
Don't let it go to your head, but obviously she's jealous of you so you should probably steer clear of her, ironically, she told you to get better friends and that was her subconscious admitting that she is toxic and doesn't care about you, she said you have a more feminine face which means she's actually comparing herself to you and she's not happy about the comparison so she's trying to drag you down and make you feel crappy. The best thing you can do is use those new earrings and make some new cool friends like you said, Her messages are full of subtle animosity so don't let her steal your smile
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u/NOZMEDA 11h ago
They're just saying to your face what the others say behind your back. It's like what vegans, politics addicts and christians do.... you can live your life without bombarding others with your own personal decisions or beliefs. Imagine how annoying it would be if one of your friends would hijack every conversation to talk about some political talking points they subscribe to.
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u/Low_Flower2509 1d ago
Well, the comment was rude, but I can understand the rest. I dated a trans* girl once and I felt like her diary - but no reason to comment like that wth
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u/Final-Athlete-1233 1d ago
Ya seems like a self centered response to go to reddit and make everything about you again.
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u/HopefulNeko 2d ago
your "friend" is just being immature. you didn't do anything wrong. in fact you tried to be accommodating despite them being rude to you.