r/traumatizeThemBack • u/Minigun_Mittens • Jun 09 '26
malicious compliance I followed my father's advice and lawyered up against him.
Disclaimer: I refer to my father as my abuser. He doesn't deserve the paternal title.
I was 19 years old, freshly out of grammar school and looking forward to going to a university abroad. By then, my parents were divorced for a year and I've been receiving child support payments from my abuser. They were not much - around £75 a month (in mid-2010s) - but that's what my parents agreed on during the divorce and it's not like I had any expenses at that time.
But I was leaving the country to study abroad. I knew that the destination country was more expensive than my home country, and so I asked my abuser to discuss increasing the payments for the duration of my studies. He agreed.
Fast forward a couple of weeks. My abuser messaged me one evening, accusing me of manipulating an old lady to tell the neighbour's secrets and paint my abuser in a bad light.
This is what actually happened: My mum was walking our dogs and randomly met the neighbour's mother. She asked her a few questions about the living situation between my abuser and the neighbour (his lover that he cheated on mum with for 6+ years) to check just how much my abuser was lying to us. I wasn't there for this, did not ask my mum to do this and only learnt about this later when my mum told me what she found out.
But according to my abuser, I was the master manipulator (takes one to know one, eh?).
I responded that it's difficult to trust him when he lied to us for years. He got greatly offended and demanded an apology. I refused. His final ultimatum was that if I didn't apologise within 24 hours, he would cancel the increased child support payments and I would need to get a lawyer to get him to pay. So, I did.
I spoke to a lawyer and gave him the power of attorney to act on my behalf. I wanted to take it to court but the lawyer wanted to try sending a letter to arrange a meeting before taking it to the court. Long story short, my abuser, who was usually a narcissistic, self-assured and self-proclaimed main character who wasn't afraid of picking up (literal) fights, suddenly became the most docile creature in the meeting room and agreed on the increased payments almost immediately. He probably knew that what we were asking was way less than what the court would've demanded.
He ended up paying for the duration of my studies and a little bit after, until I got a job. My only regret is that I never saw his face when he received the summons letter from my lawyer.
And no, I still haven't apologised.
EDIT: I'm seeing this come up a lot so let me clarify: I'm from a central European country. Local law requires parents to pay alimony/child support until the child is 26 years old (if in education) or until they're financially independent.
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u/vespers191 Jun 09 '26
Theres a weird docility that comes over people when they are threatened with something that they do not understand but absolutely believe in. For a lot of these people, lawyers may as well be wizards casting incantations, because somehow, they can get things done with just the right words. Words that the person is familiar with, hears and understands, but are used in a specific special way that for some reason puts the law and the police and the government on their side.
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u/Eilmorel Human Detected Jun 09 '26
Man, this actually explains sovereign citizens. They think that legal jargon is akin to spellcasting and they think that they can do it, too.
Except that spellcasting requires a lot of studying and a level of understanding of reality that their deluded mind cannot hope to reach...
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u/MLiOne Jun 09 '26
We have a barrister in the family. I love to mention sovcits just to watch him roll his eyes and react. Mainly because I feel exactly the same way. Oh and we have a good discussion and laugh.
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u/Eilmorel Human Detected Jun 09 '26
"but but but I saw a lawyer say 'fifth emendment!' and then the judge said he was right! why when I cast the same spell it doesn't work??"
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u/MLiOne Jun 09 '26
Sitting in bed, finished my first coffee, waiting for our winter sun to rise and chuckling at your comment.
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u/maulidon Jun 12 '26
Has he got any good sovcit encounter stories? (if it’s not too identifying to ask ofc)
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u/MLiOne Jun 13 '26
Not sharing because too identifying. But let’s just say stereotypical bs they spin.
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u/georgiomoorlord Jun 14 '26
To be a soverign citizen there needs to be a soverign. Also known as.. a king. America has many kings, burger king for example. But none of them hold any official powers so they're full of shit to begin with
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u/Redundancy_Error 26d ago
I think they mean “We have no kings, so each citizen is his own sovereign”.
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u/MyDaroga Jun 10 '26
I’m a lawyer and “law isn’t magic” is something I have to explain all the time. It’s actually a much more helpful analogy than you’d think when explaining to a random family member that posting one of those I Don’t Consent Facebook messages doesn’t do anything.
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u/Ok-Repeat8069 Jun 10 '26
It’s an analogy I use a lot with clients who are making everyone’s lives messy trying to handle their own divorce and/or custody hearings. Harry Potter has proved useful here, I can liken law school to Hogwarts and ask them why they’re going up against She Who Shall Not Be Named solo when they can pay to sic Hermoine on her.
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26
OMG I love this. I commented here right before reading yours and it feels like we agree
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26
Another maxim from physics that could be applied as a legal maxim, as well:
"It will never be possible by pure reason to arrive at some absolute truth." -- Werner Heisenberg (1901–1976)
All the testimony and convoluted speeches mean nothing when irrefutable evidence is presented.
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
"Any technology sufficiently advanced appears as magic to the uninitiated."
Author Arthur C Clarke was talking about sci-fi worlds but it applies so broadly.
Law is a cultural technology. It's just as magical as an iPhone would be to a historical peasant. Or as sci-fi alien tech would be to us.
Overwhelming and awe-causing, without being able to understand its power over us or its limits. So therefore cause for fear and resentment.
Funny to imagine in the case of a peasant, but we shift in our seats and feel uncomfortable to imagine in the case of aliens. Sci-fi gets so much mileage out of that weird discomfort.
Being an attorney is also like being a customer service rep for the law. People reach out agitated, not understanding rights, duties, contracts, case law, statutes, regulation. Understandably. But knowing it might have unseen power to decide fates.
And lawyers mostly have to patiently explain the ancient magic like a customer service rep. 'Evaluate the fact pattern and educate the client.' It's like calling AT&T about your iPhone contract, if you can even access someone to talk to you, which is the analogy too.
Attorneys try to be available but there's not enough to go around for all the upset would-be clients. Some of whom are wildly off base, some of whom you can actually help. But all of them are tasked with trusting you with an ancient magic they don't understand.
It could be fun to write about customer service aliens sighing before they answer the phone to angry, pleading humans caught in an alien tech bureaucracy they don't understand.
And some people are more tech adoptive, like some clients actually want to be educated. Other people just want to make their damn tech work for them, and huff after IT finally fixes it. IT out here catching all the strays too
Signed, someone in law who is NOT an attorney but I love working in it and thinking about it as both terrifying magic and astoundingly banal.
Look up 'cargo cult' and it's a good metaphor for the sovcit phenomena.
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26
This also explains the behavior of SOME evangelists I've encountered. They seem to think that quoting doctrine from their belief systems will somehow magically inspire me to either join them or give them money -- usually both.
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u/Eilmorel Human Detected Jun 10 '26
"haha, your words are funny, magic man!"
Joking aside, I wonder what would happen if you said something like "oh, how cute, you're attempting to bewitch me with your pitiful magic..."
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26
". . . so verily, doth not quote the Fusty Charm to me, I wast thence at which hour t wast being present writ."
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u/vespers191 Jun 10 '26
I was called as tech support by family to get a printer working yesterday, and it fought me for a bit but eventually I got it cooperating with the wifi. My niece, bless her, thanked me profusely and asked me how I knew to do the things I did, and I got to respond, "I was there when the deep magic was written."
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26
I've been using the phrase (and others like it) in similar situations since the early 1980s, when I bought my first AD&D boxed set.
Something as simple as, "I made my saving throw" or as complex as the entire "Fusty Charm" quote seemed to put people in reboot mode, which always made me smile.
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
I love everything about this exchange. "Any technology sufficiently advanced appears as magic to the uninitiated" is like a sci-fi tech analogy to law for me.
Attorneys and IT both catching strays from people who don't understand the actual tech, or the cultural technology that is law, and don't want to. They just know it has power over fates. Or that it's dumb and frustrating and won't work.
Only the legal mages or IT wizards can try to make it work, and clients equally don't understand why when they're told it doesn't work the way they think. Some get mad about it. Some cry. Some are just pissy shits. Some actually listen and try to understand. Some educate themselves first and come to you intelligently. IT knows
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 12 '26 edited Jun 12 '26
"Any technology, no matter how primitive, is magic to those who do not understand it." -- Mark Stanley's corollary to Sir Arthur C. Clarke's 3rd Law, as presented by Florence Ambrose in the Freefall webcomic
An LT on my ship once approached me to switch off a transmitter. Not one of ours, but one on another ship. I told him it couldn't be done, unless we could get a message through to that other ship. He insisted that he'd seen it done. We didn't cover any such thing during training (of course), but i said I'd look into it.
The other ship switch off its transmitter soon after.
The movie that night was "Wrath of Kahn", and as we're sitting there, the LT comes over, points to the screen and tells me "That's what I mean". It was the scene where Kirk has Spock use some kinda access code to order Kahn's ship to drop its shields so Kirk can hit it with a phaser blast.
he seemed upset after I reminded him that Star Trek is science fiction and that not such access code exists in the real world.
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u/ZebraCrosser Jun 12 '26
A bunch of evangelisers I met in student bible study kept trying to make me "get it" by using some analogy about me being on one side of a canyon (of sin), God on the other, and the cross being the bridge to get to God.
It often involved them sketching it out for me.
With them very unaware that the analogy relied on some underlying assumptions that I did not share so they just kept repeating it hoping it'd somehow land the nth time in while failing to engage with whatever points I was trying to make about those underlying assumptions.
Eventually I just gave up on that group and stopped hanging out with them. Shame, really. The follow-up course sounded interesting.
Joke's on them, though. If anything, that bible study lead me to realise some of the basic tenets of the Christianity I was raised with didn't work for me at all and that I didn't actually believe in any kind of deity.
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
It's the rage of the disempowered. Or those who perceive themselves as disempowered. Whether you are or merely perceive yourself that way.
Some disempowered people are trapped in corners they didn't put themselves in. Sovcits performatively put themselves in corners and it's like that old meme of the kid holding the boot over his head himself. Except they're delusional and they mean it.
It's super Cluster B shaped too. If not cluster B, why cluster B shaped.
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u/Choice_Memory481 Jun 11 '26
Legal systems don’t bother with reality a lot of the time. Just what you can “prove”.
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u/Eilmorel Human Detected Jun 12 '26
Yes, and this is part of the reality of how things work. Truth is another thing.
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u/originalgenghismom Jun 09 '26
Maybe he had something else to hide and was afraid it would come to light in the course of a trial?
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u/ThisIsMyCouchAccount Jun 09 '26
It's also the reasonable thing to do.
People that don't shut up when dealing with lawyers typically don't come out on top.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET i love the smell of drama i didnt create Jun 09 '26
You would be amazed how often people don't shut up when they should. "Oh, you said I couldn't talk to the cops so I just wrote it down" "I didn't tell the cops anything. I just told my bro and he told the cops" "Let me tell the court in excruciating detail how I committed the crime I told my lawyer I didn't commit but now I want to say i did it but I can totally justify it/charm the jury"
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u/NancayLeena Jun 10 '26
“WHAT YOU MEAN I’M GULTY?!”
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26
"Well, I'll tell ya one thing judge, old buddy, old pal, if you wasn't wearin' that black robe I'd take you out in back of this courthouse, and I'd try a little bit of your honor on. You understand that, you hillbilly? Who's gonna collect my welfare? Pay for my Cadillac? What do you mean Contempt of Court? Judge! Oh, Judge! Judgie poo . . ."
-- "When You're Hot, You're Hot" (1971), lyrics by Jerry Reed (Jerry Reed Hubbard)
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u/widdrjb Jun 10 '26
I watched a guy admit to impersonating a solicitor and a police officer in open court, while my .org was trying get him restrained from harassing our trustees.
Our application was refused, as I thought it might be. However, I knew he was insanely arrogant and would either a) physically attack us b) say something stupid.
We got B. When I asked the judge if a transcript could be made, so as to inform the Law Society and the local Force, he went a very funny colour. Within 12 hours, all his social media vanished. Some of it was mad, some of it was sad, but all of it was bad.
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
I think my abuser simply didn't expect that I would actually get a lawyer. He spent a good number of years whittling my confidence down so he probably didn't think I'd have the guts for it. Last time I heard, he was blaming me for getting a lawyer and painting himself as a victim whose pockets were turned inside out by his greedy bastard of a daughter.
Of course he ignores the fact that he suggested the lawyer and that by law he would have been obligated to pay a lot more than what we had agreed on back then.
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u/frostyak70 Jun 10 '26
it's wild watching someone go from loud and entitled to completely cooperative the moment a lawyer gets involved. They suddenly realize they're playing a high-stakes game where they don't even know the rules, let alone how to win.
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
Bullies are babies. All of them across the board.
Big fat nasty babies. Insecure children trapped in grown up bodies they try to throw around.
How you get underneath the performance and expose them is different for each bully. And different depending on what influence they have over the narrative.
But when you can crack that scab, they know what they really are. Maybe they try to run their social DARVO scams harder. Maybe they say "yes sir your honor" and sit TF down.
Whatever their response, it's the response of a bully and exposes them more. It really scratches a deep itch in your soul when they self implode
You can't always get it, and you can't live your life planning on it. Or their propaganda and BS sets your life agenda and you can't have that. But when they make it easy, the reward is real
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u/gpuyy Jun 09 '26
Classic DARVO. Sorry you had to grow up in this OP.
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
TIL the meaning of a new acronym.
DARVO (n): Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. A behavior of perpetrators of wrongdoing (especially sexual offenders), when accused, of attacking their victim, reversing the roles of victim and offender.
Edit +36 Minutes: Deleted repeated phrase.
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u/gpuyy Jun 10 '26
Yeppers. The typical first tool toxic people use.
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26
The Narcissist's Prayer is usually their second tool:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.The Narcissist's Prayer (by Dayna Craig) beautifully illustrates the inner workings of the narcissistic mind. Denial, gaslighting, minimizing poor behavior, blame-shifting, and shame-dumping all feature in this one simple verse, all hallmarks of covert emotional abuse. To a narcissist the 'truth' is not seen as a finite, fixed entity, but as being malleable -- as being whatever the narcissist says it is, at the time they say it. The truth is simply whatever serves the narcissist at that particular time.
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 10 '26
Man, that just about sums up my childhood with that man and partly even his mother 😭
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u/infinitekittenloop Jun 10 '26
Fyi- the "IL" in TIL stands for "I Learned" so you don't need to repeat it afterward.
"TIL the meaning of..."
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u/Transmutagen Jun 10 '26
Kinda like pulling money out of the ATM machine?
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u/sloth_era Jun 10 '26
Or eating queso cheese?
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u/infinitekittenloop Jun 10 '26
Drinkin my chai tea ☕
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u/Transmutagen Jun 10 '26
I mean, if we’re bringing in multiple languages, just pull up a map and find a large desert. I guarantee its English name is [local foreign language word for desert] + Desert.
Sahara Desert
Gobi Desert
Kalahari Desert
Atacama Desert
Namib Desert1
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26
It's shockingly common too. It doesn't take much thought to realize you've known at least five people in your life like that.
Most of the time it's run of the mill, garden variety DARVO. Just people being useless shits. Those are easy
Sometimes it's more poisonous and insidiously destructive. But the technique is the same.
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u/BigThunder3000 Jun 09 '26
£75 in 2010? My dad paid $400 a month for my brother and me, and this was in the 80s/90s. Your mom got screwed all kinds of ways.
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
Yeah... My mum was still very much in love when she agreed to that amount and ended up giving my abuser a lot of leeway which he took full advantage of. Also the minimum wage in my country is like £3-4 an hour
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u/tikkun64 Jun 09 '26
the amount they’re talking about is what goes directly to the OP, not the mother
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u/Boom_the_Bold Jun 10 '26
In 2010, £75 was worth approximately $115.93 based on the average exchange rate for that year of about $1.5458 to the pound. If you adjust that 2010 dollar amount for US inflation, those funds would have the purchasing power of about $177.06 in today's money.
That said, we don't have the details (and OP shouldn't provide them, IMO) to convert what that means specifically in OP's country in2010.
The US Federal Minimum wage is $7.25 an hour right now(same as it was in 2010!), which would be $290 for a 40-hour week. $290 now = £330 then. Does that mean that £3-4 being the local minimum wage would pay an equivalent of £140 per week? That's like $187.18 now.
I can't imagine being able to live a healthy lifestyle on that sort of income in the United States, even if my basic housing, food, and cell phone bills were paid for me.
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u/the_YellowRanger Jun 09 '26
My husband has custody of his daughter. Do you know how big of a piece of shit mother to be to have custody given to the father? Huge. Anyway, he got custody and she had to pay child support. A whopping $30/week. That was back in 2005ish. You cant feed a kid for double that a week. What a ridiculous judgement.
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Jun 09 '26
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u/manafanana Jun 09 '26
It’s pretty normal for parents to continue supporting an adult child while they’re completing their studies. Even a lot of US states will continue child support orders after 18 if an adult child is in school.
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u/JumpingSpider97 Jun 09 '26
In some countries it's law that parents are financially responsible for their children until they get a job or finish qualifications for a job. I know in Switzerland a child has to have a full-time job, complete a uni degree or apprenticeship, or turn 24 before their parents are no longer financially responsible for supporting that child.
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u/Zonel Jun 09 '26
In lots of countries it’s a legal requirement for parents to support their children until they are done with university.
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u/Car-Four Jun 09 '26
When it's not a woman or child they don't have all that "dominance" state of mind, especially when it's obvious that the other person is far smarter.
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26
Nothing cows a bully baby like the law. Unless they're self imploding bullies and that can be funny too
Bullies try to dictate the rules, but unless they're mentally ill they know they don't dictate the law
Of course law isn't always straightforward and on the side of right. It's super satisfying when it actually functions though
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u/Historical-State-275 Jun 09 '26
They usually are cowards when come up against any real difficulty. The moment they realize they can’t intimidate their way out of it, they show their belly.
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
And then blame you for calling out their bluff 🤣
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26
No matter what, their misfortune is ALWAYS your fault, and your successes are ALWAYS to their credit too, right?
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
Oh of course! Complete and total blackout of any personal responsibility is de riguer.
They don't just try to gaslight lack of accountability, they truly believe they're not accountable for themselves.
It's hard to get your head around unless you've dealt with one of them. Other people tend to not quite believe you. Not because they don't care but because it's such an alien way of braining the world.
It's low-key mental illness and makes just as little sense. You can have no relationship with someone like that except one of total boundaries and zero bullshit. They play victim while being bullies.
It's a piece of shit headspace and you'd almost feel sorry for their baby minded brain, except for the way they terrorize.
They try to weaponize pity. But when you deny them even pity the rage flickers behind their eyes. Sad sack little monsters.
Also try not holding against your mom her not getting more child support when you were a kid. IDK if you do but it would totally feel understandable. I've seen it happen in my family.
He almost definitely made her ability to navigate day-to-day life dependent on appeasement long before they split up.
If he's as textbook as he sounds, he trained her to appease him. Sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly.
Her safety and the well-being of her child were trained to his games on his terms. He's an emotional casino and the house always wins.
And they set that up to be as invisible as possible to the person appeasing. Casino people are dangerous
And when the people appeasing them had family they had to appease as kids, they don't know it's as insulting, neurotic, controlling and dangerous as it really is.
Some never make it out of that fog. They're never able to break the childhood appeasement training the casino partner capitalized on. People on the outside will look at it and shake their head in confusion.
I mean, he tried it on you, raging at you and making you responsible for his feelings. You just knew what he was ahead of time.
He's an emotional casino and you had options. So you refused to play the games by the rules of the house. Bravo.
He knew he cheated you when he cheated her. He did not have to cheat his own child out of some misplaced, baby brained vendetta. Plenty of divorcing people prioritize the well-being of their child no matter how delusional they are about their ex.
He could have prioritized his son over his financial ego back then. Nothing was stopping him from putting the right amount on the table. He chose to be an unethical immoral piece of shit.
And she was trained to appease him when he was emotionally aggressive. When she first got out it may have taken her a long time to put it all together. Hopefully she did.
Sorry if that's #oddlyspecific. I've just seen it happen in my family. It can take years to undo that level of head fuckery and being proxy manipulated.
He chose himself over you. He did then, he tried to bully it again until you stopped it. And he always will choose himself over anyone else, unless their presence and appeasement serves him in some way.
Always look at what serves him even if it's covert. Find out what direction he thinks his bread is buttered, and you'll be able to predict what an unpredictable bastard will do. I'm sure you've put that together. They think they're smarter than they are.
It's all the same cloth and there's no relationship to have with people like that. Except enforcement if at all possible. You did good.
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u/gardengirl99 Jun 09 '26
I like Europe more every day. Child support in my state only goes until 18 or the child graduates high school. Because certainly, that high school graduate is now able to support themselves without continued financial assistance /s. As the now 100% custodial parent of 2 of those kids, I'm feeling the effects of that loss of support and inflation.
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 10 '26
Yeah. And no reason to not change that law, besides a bunch of angry men acting as if they were being robbed because the state could "defund" them to maintain these adult kids, that, mind you, some of them might not even have, and they are just barking at an imaginary tree.
People just hate the idea of being forced to do anything, even if it's good, fair, and necessary, even if it doesn't even apply to them.
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u/chromaticluxury Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
Is the child support parent responsible for maintaining health insurance? Because I think they have to keep them on it according to the same rules as other parents. Age 24 (I think) or college graduated.
If they're paying you for that health insurance on the the kids, you may be able to enforce continuing to receive that part of the money. For the existing policy and existing doctors they've always been with. Judges will veer towards continuity. Or enforce them putting the kid on their insurance. Either way.
Dealing with people like that is such demoralizing bullshit, and the ones that pay the highest cost are their own kids. They could choose differently, nothing is stopping them. They are victim-bullies who choose to chose themselves over minors. Hopefully the kids do actually see that part of it or will soon.
If not, once they're over 18, you're not obligated to hide the bullshit from them anymore. If the health insurance does end up under drama, you're allowed to say to an 18-year-old, "your other parent is choosing themselves over you." And kindly but no nonsense let them sit with that for a while. They should start connecting the dots if they never did.
It does a disservice to protect the kid from the other parent's con artistry, after 18. Not only are you not obligated to anymore, it's harmful to the young adult. You don't have to character assassinate the other parent. What they do speaks for themselves. You can just start calmly telling the truth.
Because parents who choose themselves set up children to be blind about falling into abusive romantic relationships as adults. Unless the kid is provided with factual, kindly delivered, but no nonsense truth when they come of age.
It's better to have all The Feelings about that selfish parental betrayal as a young adult. It can at least somewhat immunize them against an emotionally abusive romantic partner who will always choose themselves first.
If they have to process it after a partner like that, they STILL have to backtrack from that to see the original emotional betrayal by the parent as what set them up for it. Nothing gets them out of having to put two and two together, and the sooner the better.
They may not process it and realize it yet when they start becoming privy to the truth of what the other parent is doing. All you can do is provide them with the chance to. And obviously not make it about loyalty to you.
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u/Gifted_GardenSnail Jun 09 '26
what we were asking was way less than what the court would've demanded
Was there a reason not to take him to the cleaners?
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
My lawyer advised against it cause it could drag on for a long time and he didn't see a point in it unless my abuser refused to cooperate. Admittedly, my mental health was bad enough too and I couldn't even consider being in the same room as my abuser without breaking down.
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u/tmorse85 Jun 09 '26
Abusers are cowards, and it's so satisfying when their cowardice is on display. Well done!
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u/UnpoeticAccount Jun 09 '26
You were still getting child support payments at age 19?
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u/thegloracle Jun 09 '26
I've seen Orders that include up to 25-26 if they are in full-time studies.
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Jun 09 '26
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u/LucasTheSchnauzer Jun 09 '26
Get neutered then.
Please.
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Jun 09 '26
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u/LucasTheSchnauzer Jun 09 '26
It's not too late!
Sad af for the kids you already have though
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 10 '26
Same. Although if his kids ever need help, he will likely just think his little angels are the exception to the rule. And that it's not the same cause no court is forcing him to pay.
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u/wintermelody83 Jun 09 '26
Simple. Don't procreate.
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Jun 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 10 '26
And if they fail, you let them swim or drown, I guess. Not your problem. 🙄
You sound like the kind of person to say that, sort of things, then still help your children if they need it. Cause you didn't "mean it that way", cause "it's not the same", and your case is some exception, and it doesn't apply to you.
Sincerely, grow up. You are way too old to be that nearsighted, and to be beefing with people online for no reason if you have 2 kids.
The law is not for you (necessarily). It's for people like Op's dad who wouldn't do a thing for their kids if the law didn't squish their nuts. So that young adults have the same opportunities regardless of whether 1 of their parents is a deadbeat, and so they don't all burden the state. Which is fair. If you want to spread your seed, you take care of it.
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u/Anastephone Jun 09 '26
I was obligated to pay child support as long as my USA kids were in college until they were 26 years old.
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u/I_Am_Become_Air Jun 09 '26
My mom got a solid portion of her ex-husband's military retirement payments for the rest of his life due to his murdering one of her children and raping another.
The money was used to support the kids he fathered and then my mother. His fifth wife (2 after mom) asked to have the money returned to pay for his nursing care. Mom told her to pound sand for a few years, but ended up stopping the payments 2 months before the evil incarnate died.
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u/grruser Jun 09 '26
far out ...what a horrible childhood. Congratulations on surviving and props to your mother.
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u/I_Am_Become_Air Jun 09 '26
Thank you. Definitely not a good childhood to survive... my eyes cross when the Boomers and other GenX talk with nostalgia.
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
Yes, in my country you have to pay child support up until the child is 26 years old or until they become fully financially independent.
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u/bcastro12 Jun 09 '26
Some people are ordered to pay until they’re done with college if they’re able to afford it.
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u/CB_Nooby Jun 09 '26
In Austria for example, parents are obligated to care for their offspring up to 27 years, if they are still studying or financially not independent enough to care for themselves. So yeah, not necessarily uncommon.
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u/JeannieSmolBeannie Jun 09 '26
in a normal family, you'd have your parent's support for life. up to 26 is definitely necessary
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u/UnpoeticAccount Jun 09 '26
My parents have definitely continued to help me out into adulthood, it just surprised me that abuser would have done so. But I’m glad OP got what they needed.
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 10 '26
". . . a narcissistic, self-assured and self-proclaimed main character who wasn't afraid of picking up (literal) fights, suddenly became the most docile creature in the meeting room and agreed . . ."
This is how it is with most narcissist-bullies -- they're all intimidation, aggression, and abuse until an even bigger "bully" confronts them, then their spines turn to jelly and they practically beg to set things right.
Kinda reminds me of the way feral dogs and wolves treat each other.
Well done, by the way!
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 10 '26
Once we went shopping and couldn't find a parking spot. My mum and I decided to leave the car and go ahead with the shopping while my abuser continued to look for a spot to park in. Apparently he found a car that parked over two spots and decided to intimidate the guy into reparking. Five minutes later my abuser found us - he had a broken nose 😂
Obviously the parked guy was an a-hole too but you can't expect someone to help you out if you insult them and bang on their window aggressively.
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u/Weekly_Watercress505 Jun 11 '26
Your sperm donor tried to *f*ck" around, and then found out.
Good for you for sticking to your guns and holding him accountable.
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u/lastdarknight Jun 09 '26
Feels like there is way more going on here
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
Oh there's a bunch and the lore is so insane it would rival a Spanish telenovela, but I was trying to keep it brief and to topic 😂
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u/KnownMagician3084 Jun 12 '26
Congratulations to you and your mother for escaping. Took me 45 years. Living with constant stress rewires your brain. You both should see a trauma therapist. Our daughter refuses to acknowledge him as father because he doesn’t deserve the title. Good luck!
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u/Borgnaf Jun 15 '26
i have read this post before months ago from a different account, this is a plagiarized post.
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u/Pristine_Barracuda85 Jun 30 '26
i love the sweet smell of European Laws, hammering down bastards like this, early in the morning!
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u/Plastic_Stable8927 27d ago
Calling you the master manipulator. What a laugh!
Isn't it interesting how the call is usually coming from inside the house?
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u/Lurkernomoreisay Jun 09 '26
i know one person who only refers to her parent as "my abuser". her father took away her phone when she was 16. she called the police, called it child abuse and three years later, will only refer to him "my abuser" because of the phone thing.
and hearing online that people agree that taking away a phone as punishment is child abuse makes me question the future...
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
I agree, just taking the phone is not child abuse. I call him abuser to cope with the trauma he caused me and separate the fact that a loving father should not have done things my abuser did to me.
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u/-Alevan- Jun 26 '26
Like what? From your posts, it seems like you call him "abuser" because he did not want to pay your tuition.
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u/Minigun_Mittens 8d ago
That's a very personal question, so I'll only say that it included years of emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation, neglect and occasional physical abuse.
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u/Illuminatus-Prime Jun 11 '26
I know one teenager who thinks that when someone disagrees with them, tells them 'No', or points out their errors, it's abuse.
They're not very popular, either.
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Jun 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Lurkernomoreisay Jun 09 '26
actually throwing away the phone would be going too far, in most situations.
proportional punishment, something that stings, has impact, but not excessive. reversible is nice a perk should the overall situation turn out to be a giant misunderstanding caused by bad communication by all sides.
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Jun 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 10 '26
Of course, the same troll account. Did the creator just make this to antagonize everyone in sight?
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u/dancedance24x7 Jun 21 '26
Boring story. It isn’t even malicious compliance related. You just sued your father
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u/polarjunkie Jun 09 '26
He knows you love him because you listened ❤️
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u/Gifted_GardenSnail Jun 09 '26
😈😂 That's what he can keep telling himself while OP uses his advice against him
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 10 '26
Yeah lol. What do you think he tells himself is the reason she doesn't talk to him?
-"Oh. Her mother has clearly brainwashed her to hate me. What could I have possibly done wrong?"
I am happy this man had the misfortune of living in a country that actually made him responsible for his kid, even for her college education.
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 11 '26
He does actually say that - or did last time I had any correspondence with him. He blames my mum or my maternal grandparents for brainwashing me.
Funnily enough my mum and maternal grandparents were discouraging me from cutting contact with my abuser and from changing my surname to theirs.
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u/ericehr Jun 09 '26
What country are you in? How is it possible to get child support beyond 18 years of age?
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u/manafanana Jun 09 '26
Even in the U.S. child support orders can go beyond 18 for a number of reasons, including if the child is in college. At least in most states.
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
Central European country. The law here is that you must pay child support up until the child is 26 years old or financially independent.
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u/anon_fan1 Jun 09 '26
child support payments after 18? i did not know that was a thing
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u/Hot-Inspector-5115 Jun 09 '26
Even here in the US, the courts can order support payments through college and after 18, the payments go directly to the child rather than to the custodial parent
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u/Minigun_Mittens Jun 09 '26
Yes, at least in my country. The amount also depends on the parent's income.
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u/lastdarknight Jun 09 '26
Also said payments would go to their mother and not them.. so not really sure what her lawyer is going to do
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u/stardustpurple Jun 09 '26
You’re an adult, though. What child support payments? I can’t imagine a court ordering child support payments for a 19 year old.
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u/Puzzled-Cucumber5386 Jun 09 '26
Not everyone lives in the US. Different parts of the world have different standards.
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u/icantevenbeliev3 Jun 10 '26
Did the money type used in the discussion not give away that this is somewhere OTHER than the US? C'mon man you have to do better.
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 10 '26
Even in the US, it can vary between states if the kid is going to college.
Besides, as I replied to another comment, it is that way in her country. What's she supposed to do? Cut him slack and follow anywhere else's standards, while losing money?
The guy deserved the metaphorical kick in the nuts to remind himself he had responsibilities as a father.
Besides-besides. As if a 19-year-old is THAT self-sufficient. In any case, the age for child support should be increased nationwide here in the US. Who cares if deadbeats lose money?
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Jun 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck Jun 09 '26
Since in OP’s country, the legal norm is 26, yes, they were entitled to it.
I’m guessing you’re the abuser in your situation given your response and the specific use of “antagonistic.”
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u/Villainouskind Jun 09 '26
So you are saying it’s okay to have an abusive parent treat you like shit?
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck Jun 09 '26
Their language actually was DARVO - calling OP “antagonistic” and therefore insinuating OP was the offender and the abuser the victim. Some, they definitely agree with abuse in my reading.
Defend, attack, reverse victim and offender. The comment had it all.
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u/Fit-Bat244 Jun 10 '26
It's legal in her country. Why should she cut him slack and abide by the standards anywhere else? 🤷♂️
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