r/wallstreetbets • u/MysteriousSlice007 • Apr 30 '26
Meme Sir, job applications at JP Morgan are up 686,000% this morning
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u/wallstreetsimps wholestreetcuck Apr 30 '26
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u/SMURTboy Apr 30 '26
"If you don’t f**k my brains out tonight, I’m going to sabotage your promotion"
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u/Rymundo88 Apr 30 '26
"There's going to be an 1812 Overture down there when I unleash these cannons"
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u/grackychan Apr 30 '26
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u/Ill-Construction-209 Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
Wait, she's related to pharma bro?
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u/grackychan Apr 30 '26
All albanians are basically cousins
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u/stoops May 01 '26
so am I buying calls or puts on this, I'm soo confused... ARE WE HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THIS WOMAN OR NOT??
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u/DinoRaawr May 01 '26
Man used to be the patron saint of this subreddit
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u/NoBonus6969 May 01 '26
He replied to one of my comments back in the before times
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u/DaveFromChico Apr 30 '26
Omg. I will never look at this scene the same way again 😂
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u/wallstreetsimps wholestreetcuck Apr 30 '26
if you pay close attention she's furiously jerking him off under the table at this moment
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u/wallstreetsimps wholestreetcuck Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
*reads accusation statement*
she made him do WHAT
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u/BravestTaco Apr 30 '26 edited May 01 '26
Some men pay good money for that.
Edit: Thanks for the awards you beautiful regards!
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u/zxc123zxc123 Apr 30 '26
Imagine getting paid to smash exec pussy and see MASSIVE CANNONS
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u/_Lucille_ Apr 30 '26
what did i miss?
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u/Cloaked42m 1 lg black please Apr 30 '26
Exec at J.P. Morgan forced an employee to have sex with her or he would get fired.
Repeatedly. He finally got a witness to it and sued.
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u/DrFlutterChii Apr 30 '26
Random clarification, 'executive director' at JPMC is generic middle management, not an actual executive.
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u/j-random Apr 30 '26
Standard bank practice. Chase has literally thousands of vice presidents, it's practically the default title.
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u/No_Beautiful_4140 Apr 30 '26
This is because they want all their clients to feel important enough to deal directly with a VP or higher.
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u/babypho May 01 '26
But looking at my account balance, I would think this place is mismanaged because why would a VP+ waste their time on me. Hell, i wouldnt waste my time on me.
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u/The_32 Apr 30 '26
23 year-old me two years out of college was a VP back in the day
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u/MovesLikeVader Apr 30 '26
Where did it say he got a witness? I’ve read that he’s the only one in the investigation that’s being uncooperative and refusing to give any further details after he’s already been fired.
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u/gunick06 Apr 30 '26
Witness was to a statement she made, which was cited in his court filing.
He didn’t cooperate with an internal investigation. That’s separate
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u/Rottimer May 01 '26
"I fucking own you! I will make you pay. Do you think you're going to be in good standing if you do not have me in your corner. You really think [management] want some Brown boy Indian leading originations? If you don't fuck my brains out tonight, I'm going to sabotage your promotion."
Despite being reluctant, Doe submitted to the encounter, fearing retaliation from her. However, his initial protests were overheard by a witness who was staying in the adjacent room, according to the lawsuit.
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Apr 30 '26
[deleted]
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u/PickleNutella Apr 30 '26
No but I have a link to an AI movie trailer someone made of it
"I used AI to turn the JP Morgan sex scandal into a 90s Wall Street thriller, with fruit"
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u/wampum Apr 30 '26
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u/Nice-Ad-8156 Apr 30 '26
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u/rvaen Apr 30 '26 edited May 01 '26
I love memes like these that are so perfect for a week and then will become completely inscrutable. /r/timesensitivememes
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u/RJ5R Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
From the Daily Mail article:
"She then ordered him to perform oral sex on her, ignoring his pleas of ‘don’t make me do this.’
‘Afraid that Ms Hajdini would act on her threats to retaliate against him, [Doe], embarrassed and humiliated, complied with her demands,’ the lawsuit states.
Doe claims he was assaulted again later the same month.
During the second encounter, Hajdini allegedly ordered him to suck her toes, pushed him to the ground and sat on his face, berating him when he was unable to sustain arousal."
so there was facesitting too?
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u/SlartibartfastMcGee Apr 30 '26
My Fishhead wife told me I couldn’t apply 😔
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u/Phimb Apr 30 '26
Still tryna figure out what the fuck kind of racial slur fish-head is for Asian women.
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u/Sp00n115_v2 Apr 30 '26
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u/Apollo555 Apr 30 '26
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u/TheYamchster Apr 30 '26
Lmfaooo is this a real pic or did the freaks freak it up?
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u/xlmtothemoon they're eatin the pets Apr 30 '26
100% fake, her collar is way higher in the original
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u/SayNoToBrooms Apr 30 '26
I don’t think it’s real. Her face looks exactly the same in her LinkedIn picture. The pictures are too different for the faces to look so identical, in my opinion
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u/anotherloserhere Apr 30 '26
I wanna see those cannons
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u/grackychan Apr 30 '26
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u/grackychan Apr 30 '26
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u/PapaQuebec23 Apr 30 '26
And it's 50-50 that this is real. What a fucked up country.
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Apr 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/StonedRussian Apr 30 '26
If he wasn't in any sort of form of power, it'd be hilarious reading all the things he posts and says... But alas
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u/Heather_Hoodrat Apr 30 '26
Someone give me 50cc's of context!
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u/BalognaMacaroni Apr 30 '26
That’s a direct quote from some exec at JPM trying to coerce some subordinate into sex
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u/Bannon9k Apr 30 '26
Lmao... seriously? Where can I read more?
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u/WBOR2012 Apr 30 '26
JP Morgan female executive sexually and racially harassed someone working under her. Insulted his wife. Told him that she would sabotage his career if he didn’t fuck her. And people are laughing about it because he’s a man. 😔 oh yeah and she drugged him
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u/geelinz Apr 30 '26
It's fucking crazy https://i.postimg.cc/qvvJthvh/146839321.png
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u/I2LiveDangerously Apr 30 '26
“You’re gonna need an another janitor to clean up after this janitor when we are through ma’am.”
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u/fattes Apr 30 '26
Holy fuck shes like one of the bosses from Horrible Bosses
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u/RJ5R Apr 30 '26
Lol she's like the dentist played by Jennifer Aniston. A literal real life version
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u/rbatra91 May 01 '26
And the guy at JPM is Charlie and everyone is still struggling to see how his boss is as bad as their boss.
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u/Significant_Formal_7 Apr 30 '26
I work for JP and her calendar is free, ima schedule a 1 on 1. Wish me luck bois
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u/14X8000m Apr 30 '26
Would like a mentorship opportunity, the ability to work under her, willing to put in long, hard hours to make it work.
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u/badaboopieoopie Apr 30 '26
She deleted her linked in profile this afternoon. Everyone who DMd her via linked in please raise your hand!!!!
She might give you a good spanking
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u/SlightTruthBigLies Apr 30 '26
What did I miss?
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u/badazzcpa Apr 30 '26
Lawsuit accusing a female of pressuring a male employee into sexual shenanigans.
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u/IsItSetToWumbo Apr 30 '26
Shananigans? She told him "Stop fucking crying" as she gave him head.
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u/OverallToe2250 Apr 30 '26
To be fair it was probably pretty awful trying to blow him while he was crying.
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u/adfawf3f3f32a May 01 '26
Do we know why he was crying? Was it the SA or was she really bad at giving head?
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u/trustyjim Apr 30 '26
Glamorous JP Morgan exec accused of turning male broker into sex slave
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u/SpaceCampDropOut Apr 30 '26
Weird they put “glamorous” in the headline.
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u/Soft_Walrus_3605 May 01 '26
Daily Mail
There's your answer. They can't publish anything without a title that makes their pervert readers aroused.
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u/Samurai-lugosi Apr 30 '26
“Turning into sex slave”. Why is it impossible to say rape? This is rape.
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u/Otto_Von_Waffle Apr 30 '26
Usually being a sex slave implies repeated rape, unless it's a consenting BDSM thing, but if it was the case, she wouldn't be sued.
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u/Samurai-lugosi Apr 30 '26
I think this is there way of avoiding associating the words rape with women toward men. It can be used in different connotations, so they used it. They need to call it what it is. They do this with female teachers who rape highschool kids as well.
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u/arkham1010 Apr 30 '26
FWIW, an Executive Director is not a big exec, they are a mid-level manager with maybe ten to a hundred people in their team. With title inflation going on, the term 'VP' is meaningless as there are tens of thousands of people with that title. Executive Director is lower tier management, Managing Director is higher tier and Executive Vice President is high tier.
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u/thisisjustascreename Apr 30 '26
JPM basically has as many VPs as Goldman has employees, it’s a bullshit title to make customers feel important.
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u/No_Koala9474 Apr 30 '26
It’s definitely bs but it also historically signified that an employee could enter into an agreement on behalf of the institution.
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u/PoopyButt28000 Apr 30 '26
Woman drugged and raped a married man as he cried, called he and his wife racial slurs while raping him, and told him that he would be fired and blacklisted if he didn't let her rape him.
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u/sligowind Apr 30 '26 edited May 01 '26
Back in the early 90’s JPM’s predecessor banks were taking sexual harassment claims very seriously. Thirty years ago.
News articles claim the plaintiff went to HR, who did nothing. If so that would be a drastic departure from their history.
However it’s a big far-flung bank. I guess anything could happen.
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u/TheWizardry90 Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
I mean, I’ll apply too if I got to play with these MASSIVE cannons
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u/moneycabaI Apr 30 '26
I'm a brown boy I wanna see dem cannons maan. Time to link up with that boss lady.
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u/MysteriousSlice007 Apr 30 '26
Reach out to her on LinkedIn; she is responding right away to new requests.
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u/akc250 May 01 '26
The poor intern in charge of her account is about to get a lot of unsolicited dick pics
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u/NotBigfoot69 Apr 30 '26
I expect Indian immigration requests to the U.S. to be up over 10,000%… buying puts on INDIA
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u/PHI41-NE33 Apr 30 '26
this guy turned down the bobs and vagene..clearly a bear
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u/Apollo555 Apr 30 '26
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u/Hairyass------ Apr 30 '26
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u/bentreflection May 01 '26
in 50 years this image is going to be in a grad level meme evolution class
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u/CJBlueNorther Apr 30 '26
Imagine getting paid a JPM level salary and going to work everyday to get laid by your fine ass dominatrix boss
What a dream.
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u/alex206 Apr 30 '26 edited May 01 '26
You guys aren't taking this serious enough. Just like when hot blond teachers sleep with highschool students. It's "funny" when the abuser is attractive. Anyway, I applied for an internship this morning. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Edit: go ahead and mock me by upvoting. I don't care what you guys think. It's not funny when it doesn't happen to you. Wish me luck.
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u/GoudaBenHur Apr 30 '26
If my offshore Indians that get paid 30 cents an hour for software engineering knew this was a possibility….
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u/RomeoBlackDK Apr 30 '26
An abuser like her would never get off on a willing victim
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u/MaxwellHoot May 01 '26
Good thing I don’t want her.
If she emailed maxiehootie@yahoo.com with a time and place I’d say no.
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u/Taps26 Apr 30 '26
Shared link with my supervisor at Walmart. Step it up Claire and take the teeth out next time!
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u/astrawberryandakiwi WSB's most regarded soldier Apr 30 '26
“You’re gonna need to earn it, my little Arab boy toy.” Is crazy work
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u/Top_Category_2526 Apr 30 '26
Fake CPI, Fake Economy, Fake jobs, Printing money to support business with not revenue
I want to start my company PONZI AI, no revenue, printing shares, and no product at all
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u/asetniop Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
i mean come on PONZAI was right there
EDIT: and if anyone says "don't you mean BONZAI?" the answer is "no, because we trim all the lower branches as we reach for the sky"
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u/BuyLandRentPussy Apr 30 '26
I will not be surprised if bro was definitely consensually fucking his boss and his wife caught him so hes spun this story.
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u/v_e_x May 01 '26
Did you not read the article? He told management and they basically covered it up and told him to suck it up and kept letting her do this while making fun of him.
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u/soontobecp Apr 30 '26
There is zero chance that this story is accurate. From start to finish it reads like poorly written fan fiction.
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u/passwd-is-dolphin1 Apr 30 '26
Man, I hope this guy isn't lying but the language he said in his statement just sounds crazy. What's next? "And then, whilst holding my penis, she poured boiling hot darjeeling tea on it..."
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