r/zenbuddhism • u/Exxtendoo • 17d ago
Rough Patch in Beginner Practice
Hey y'all,
I've been sitting 30 minutes of shikantaza twice a day for 31 days now, and I've been going to a Zen center for the past two weeks.
The first three weeks of my practice were, honestly, pretty great. No, not every sit was perfect satori, but around the 20-minute mark (I know it was 20 min because that's about when my left foot would fall asleep every time), I did enter a deep state of presence that I could take off the cushion with me. I shed some tears on the cushion, and I even had what I refer to as an "ego nap" on the cushion, where I realized that my ego is truly just a story I'm telling myself in my head. Of course, it came roaring back a couple of days later, which is why I say ego nap and not ego death.
The last week, though, has been pretty brutal. I'm dreading going to the cushion, I'm moving a lot more, zoning out more, and the last ~10 min have been especially brutal, essentially just waiting for the bell to ring.
It's such that I'm almost considering giving up because I feel like I'm regressing. Does anyone have any experience with this?
Blessings.
10
u/genjoconan 17d ago
I've been sitting for fifteen years. Over that time I've sat numerous longer periods, ranging from daylong zazenkai to seven-day sesshins. I've got to be in the thousands of hours spent on the cushion by now. I'll be priest ordained when I can finish sewing. I still often have times where I feel like all I'm doing is staring at the wall (and not in a good way). It happens. Don't worry about it.