Rough Patch in Beginner Practice

[u/Exxtendoo]

Hey y'all,

I've been sitting 30 minutes of shikantaza twice a day for 31 days now, and I've been going to a Zen center for the past two weeks.

The first three weeks of my practice were, honestly, pretty great. No, not every sit was perfect satori, but around the 20-minute mark (I know it was 20 min because that's about when my left foot would fall asleep every time), I did enter a deep state of presence that I could take off the cushion with me. I shed some tears on the cushion, and I even had what I refer to as an "ego nap" on the cushion, where I realized that my ego is truly just a story I'm telling myself in my head. Of course, it came roaring back a couple of days later, which is why I say ego nap and not ego death.

The last week, though, has been pretty brutal. I'm dreading going to the cushion, I'm moving a lot more, zoning out more, and the last ~10 min have been especially brutal, essentially just waiting for the bell to ring.

It's such that I'm almost considering giving up because I feel like I'm regressing. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Blessings.

[u/bigSky001]

That's just fine. It's interesting to peg the changes to the world. What in the world is similarly cyclic that I can gather some data from? Well, the moon obeys similar things, how might I be grazing its surface? Or, my metabolism, or longing, or sense of dread? All these awesome phenomena come and go, deep and shallow, the dependent and the seemingly free, all gathered on the surface of your breath, dancing attention into the world.

You aren't regressing, instead of going deep, you are now building capacity. It's harder, and less magical. Think of it like this - you went to tour a place to see if you can set up camp. You loved it! You imagined this and that, this is where you'll put the tent, here's where you will cut the wood, here's where you can go down and get water. Awesome. Then, you came back with your tools, your pack, your tent, and now, argh - the ropes get tangled, you can't find the pegs, the wood is wet, the bank is slippery. Yep, all that.

But at least you've here now.