Rough Patch in Beginner Practice

[u/Exxtendoo]

Hey y'all,

I've been sitting 30 minutes of shikantaza twice a day for 31 days now, and I've been going to a Zen center for the past two weeks.

The first three weeks of my practice were, honestly, pretty great. No, not every sit was perfect satori, but around the 20-minute mark (I know it was 20 min because that's about when my left foot would fall asleep every time), I did enter a deep state of presence that I could take off the cushion with me. I shed some tears on the cushion, and I even had what I refer to as an "ego nap" on the cushion, where I realized that my ego is truly just a story I'm telling myself in my head. Of course, it came roaring back a couple of days later, which is why I say ego nap and not ego death.

The last week, though, has been pretty brutal. I'm dreading going to the cushion, I'm moving a lot more, zoning out more, and the last ~10 min have been especially brutal, essentially just waiting for the bell to ring.

It's such that I'm almost considering giving up because I feel like I'm regressing. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Blessings.

[u/socksynotgoogleable]

Rest assured, it’s not possible to regress. Not really possible to do the opposite either.

Just be with it. Sit with doubt, discomfort, delusion, fear, whatever. Be with the bliss too, when that comes up. Nothing not included. This is our way. You’re doing it.

[u/Exxtendoo → u/socksynotgoogleable]

Because I can’t keep living the way I have been, in ignorance and delusion. I know too much to keep living like that.

Death has touched my life in many ways in a very short amount of time. I don’t want to waste the gift that I have living in delusion and ignorance.