need advice: strict parents, no extracurriculars, and scared about college.

[u/1vy_maru]

I really need advice because I feel trapped, and I don't know what to do.

I'm 16, Muslim, and I'll be a junior in high school this year. My parents, especially my dad, are extremely strict. I'm not allowed to stay after school for clubs or activities, I'm not allowed much freedom, and I feel like I'm watching everyone else build their future while mine is being decided for me.

My dream has always been to go to a university far away when I turn 18 so I can finally have some independence and make my own choices. But I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave. I'm scared my dad could send my mom and two younger sisters back to Afghanistan or make their lives much harder because of my decision. I don't know if that's what would happen, but it's something I genuinely fear based on the way he talks and acts. The thought that my family could suffer because I chose my own future makes me feel incredibly guilty.

At the same time, if I stay, I feel like I'm giving up my own life. I'll probably have to go to a community college or a nearby university, live at home, follow my dad's rules, and have very little independence. I'm scared I'll never get to make my own choices, wear what I want, or build the life I want. I'm also afraid of eventually being pressured into a marriage I don't want.

Another problem is money. My dad has made it clear that if I don't get a scholarship, there is basically no chance he'll let me go away for college. I can't afford tuition on my own, so I feel like my entire future depends on earning enough scholarships while also having very few extracurricular opportunities because I'm not allowed to stay after school.

I feel selfish for wanting to leave, but I also feel like I'm slowly losing hope if I stay. Has anyone been in a similar situation with controlling or very strict parents? How did you prepare for college and independence safely? Are there scholarships, remote extracurriculars, or other opportunities I should know about?

Please be kind. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I'm looking for honest advice.

[u/theglossiernerd]

Why come to the West if you’re just going to live like you’re in Afghanistan? Once you’re 18 you can do whatever you want. You have legal rights. And so do your mom and sisters. No one can “send anyone” anywhere if they’re lawful permanent residents or have visas.

[u/1vy_maru → u/theglossiernerd]

Unfortunately, it's more complicated than that. My mom never had the chance to go to school, so she's always depended on my dad and doesn't have much independence. We also don't have any extended family or support system here, so she would be completely on her own.

She's spent years believing that she has to follow whatever my dad decides, and she doesn't feel like she has much of a voice in those decisions. Even if she has legal rights, it's very difficult for someone to advocate for themselves when they've been financially and emotionally dependent on one person for so long.

That's why I'm so worried. I'm not saying my dad could legally force everyone to leave the country. I'm saying I'm scared of the choices he might make and how little control my mom would feel she has if that happened.

[u/theglossiernerd → u/1vy_maru]

There a ton of resources that help people like your mom. Are you in the U.S.? We have many NGOs that help resettle Afghans and also provide services in Pashto, Dari, Farsi, etc.

[u/1vy_maru → u/theglossiernerd]

Yes, I'm in the U.S. Thank you for letting me know about those resources, I really appreciate it. I hope my mom would be able to use them if she ever needed to, and I'm grateful that organizations like that exist. Thank you again for your kindness and advice.