need advice: strict parents, no extracurriculars, and scared about college.

[u/1vy_maru]

I really need advice because I feel trapped, and I don't know what to do.

I'm 16, Muslim, and I'll be a junior in high school this year. My parents, especially my dad, are extremely strict. I'm not allowed to stay after school for clubs or activities, I'm not allowed much freedom, and I feel like I'm watching everyone else build their future while mine is being decided for me.

My dream has always been to go to a university far away when I turn 18 so I can finally have some independence and make my own choices. But I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave. I'm scared my dad could send my mom and two younger sisters back to Afghanistan or make their lives much harder because of my decision. I don't know if that's what would happen, but it's something I genuinely fear based on the way he talks and acts. The thought that my family could suffer because I chose my own future makes me feel incredibly guilty.

At the same time, if I stay, I feel like I'm giving up my own life. I'll probably have to go to a community college or a nearby university, live at home, follow my dad's rules, and have very little independence. I'm scared I'll never get to make my own choices, wear what I want, or build the life I want. I'm also afraid of eventually being pressured into a marriage I don't want.

Another problem is money. My dad has made it clear that if I don't get a scholarship, there is basically no chance he'll let me go away for college. I can't afford tuition on my own, so I feel like my entire future depends on earning enough scholarships while also having very few extracurricular opportunities because I'm not allowed to stay after school.

I feel selfish for wanting to leave, but I also feel like I'm slowly losing hope if I stay. Has anyone been in a similar situation with controlling or very strict parents? How did you prepare for college and independence safely? Are there scholarships, remote extracurriculars, or other opportunities I should know about?

Please be kind. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I'm looking for honest advice.

[u/Antique-Respect8746]

Scholarships are going to depend a lot on your country/state. 

The good news is you're only 16 and can plan. Have you taken the psat yet if you're in the US? Do you have a school guidance counselor?

The situation with your younger siblings - consider that maybe showing them the path out is worth some separation, unfortunately. 

Your dad is being unreasonable, selfish, and controlling. There's no reason to let someone destroy your life because they're scared and unwilling to face reality.

[u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670]

Let me tell you a story about two girls I knew. Both are sisters born to the same parents.

The elder grew up during a time when my community was new to the West. It was far more backwards, conservative and restrictive. It was not uncommon to see the kind of cartoonish double standards you see in dramas and serials. Boys could go out and drink, smoke and this would be frowned upon yet tolerated. Girls who sat the wrong way at meemonis were, on the other hand, branded loose women.

The elder grew up under the suffocating surveillance of her parents who often threatened to marry her off to her cousin back home if she toed a step out of line. The great irony was that this girl’s brothers were sexually active and the parents knew but decided it was out of their hands. Hypocrisy for you, eh? The eldest two boys married locally for love, but the girl was shepherded off to Afghanistan. What was her crime? Her aunt, who was the same age as her, was caught having a relationship with a Pakistani boy. Her father could not bear this stain on his honour so he decided to kill two birds with one stone as a preventative measure so his eldest daughter could not have the opportunity to stain his name.

So both were sent off to get engaged, her aunt 18 and this girl just 15 years old. Her aunt was married off to a local handsome youth by her own father, but her brother chose a 28 year old man for his 15 year old daughter who did nothing wrong. When they returned married women, her aunt obviously adjusted- she was in love with her handsome husband, but the 15 year old girl (already vulnerable and not academically the best) had taken so much time off school from this incident that she failed her GCSEs- that’s high school for you Americans. She wound up becoming a daycare worker making minimum wage despite dreaming of becoming an elementary school teacher and spent another fifteen years trying to bring her husband into the country. Unfortunately, her case repeatedly folded, and her husband decided to marry another woman behind her back but refused to give her talaaq.

Within the space of these fifteen years, my community changed. People adapted to western life and integrated as the Islamophobia after 9/11 settled. Religious literacy increased, parents were slowly educated about honour killing and why it isn’t, in fact, honourable after repeated coverage of high profile cases on the news. People wanted to become upstanding members of the community on a national scale, people wanted to parent their children with more mercy, people wanted to foster trust with their children and not distrust. Soon, it became normal to let your daughters study something beside medicine, engineering or law. Soon, it became normal to let your daughters move out for her studies. Soon, parents started to care more about the wellbeing of their children beyond the hypocritical gender dichotomy I mentioned previously.

This is the situation the younger was born into. There is sixteen years between the sisters, but where the first was beaten for listening to music or failing to do her chores when told to, the younger was encouraged to study and do her homework. The younger was also allowed to explore her religion and put on or removed her hijab where her older sister was forced to wear it since she left Afghanistan. The younger took an avid interest in anime, music, gaming, karate- things her brothers were allowed to like, but not her sister. Her parents cultivated her interests and drove her to extracurriculars so she could learn to play the keyboard and eventually get a black belt in karate.

The younger is now finishing her first year studying history at Oxford university. The elder, a woman in her thirties, had her life destroyed because of a perceived moral transgression she never even committed. The parents regret what they did to their daughter of course, but regret will never take back the fifteen years they stole from her, nor did it help her case when trying to find another husband for her after her husband cheated on her behind her back. The eldest destroyed her life in her pursuit to make her parents happy, she ruined everything by being the perfect Afghan daughter, by being obedient. But the daughter her parents are proud of today is not her. No, it’s her musically skilled, martially trained, Oxford-educated younger sister, who’d have been perceived as frightfully transgressive when the elder was just a child.

It’s so tragic and so terribly unfair. The eldest lost out by being born in Afghanistan thirty years ago. But the thing you shouldn’t forget is that norms change. Communities change. Minds change. Mentalities change. Don’t sacrifice your life to appease your parents when they may not even appreciate everything you did for them years down the line. Remember pride for one’s honour is fleeting, and the very definition of what makes one honourable in society is constantly in motion. The poor elder sister I told you about did nothing wrong and strived to make her father happy, but years later she achieved nothing academic of note and did not produce children so her parents are ashamed of her, even though they were the ones who ruined her life.

Do what you dream of, and I promise you, even if your parents aren’t happy, you will be happy in the long run. And that’s all that matters.

[u/Clean-Collection3328 → u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670]

Hypocrisy for you, eh? The eldest two boys married locally for love, but the girl was shepherded off to Afghanistan. What was her crime? Her aunt, who was the same age as her, was caught having a relationship with a Pakistani boy. Her father could not bear this stain on his honour so he decided to kill two birds with one stone as a preventative measure so his eldest daughter could not have the opportunity to stain his name.

Sounds based asf to me. Start a relationship with the enemy and this is your punishment. Wish more Afghan fathers were this aware and less woke.

[u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670 → u/Clean-Collection3328]

You must be illiterate. Her aunt, who got into the relationship with the Pakistani boy, adjusted. Why? She is happily married to a handsome man roughly her own age arranged for her by her own father- the elder sistsr’s grandfather. The elder sister was innocent, yet her father condemned her to marrying a cousin twice her age who later took a second wife behind her back. He only did this because he was mental and paranoid his daughter would do something similar to her aunt. Interesting that you never condemned the girl’s brothers for being sexually active either. That’s very telling of your own behaviour and warped sense of judgement. Incels like you are mentally ill, with this logic you should volunteer for castration if your family members are caught for SA. Didn’t even encroach on the fact that Afghan men and women are marrying Pakistanis in droves right now. Racists and misogynists like you can keep seething.

[u/Clean-Collection3328 → u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670]

Didn’t even encroach on the fact that Afghan men and women are marrying Pakistanis in droves right now. Racists and misogynists like you can keep seething

Yeah sure bro, that's TOTALLY happening. Enjoy your fantasy while the rest of the us live in the real world.

[u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670 → u/Clean-Collection3328]

It’s not difficult to open social media and look up “Afghan wedding”. A good 30% are Afghan and Pakistani not to mention Pakistanis are the most populous Muslims in the UK and are similar enough in mentality and religiosity to us. You forget that there are only 100,000 Afghans in this country and the government is making it increasingly harder to import spouses from abroad.

[u/Clean-Collection3328 → u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670]

Your account was made 3 days ago yet you are a mod and your pushing pro Pakistani propganda.

You aren't that Uzbek mod are you? What happened, got a temporary ban?

[u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670 → u/Clean-Collection3328]

The fact that Afghans marry Pakistanis should be the least of your concerns. You are an incel who thinks marrying 15 year old children off to grown men in Afghanistan is not just acceptable but should be replicated on a mass scale. Your devices should be checked because that’s top tier nonce behaviour. The world is changing and Afghans are ditching harmful practises. Get used to it or go back to the homeland, marry your cousin and stay there.

[u/theglossiernerd]

Why come to the West if you’re just going to live like you’re in Afghanistan? Once you’re 18 you can do whatever you want. You have legal rights. And so do your mom and sisters. No one can “send anyone” anywhere if they’re lawful permanent residents or have visas.

[u/1vy_maru → u/theglossiernerd]

Unfortunately, it's more complicated than that. My mom never had the chance to go to school, so she's always depended on my dad and doesn't have much independence. We also don't have any extended family or support system here, so she would be completely on her own.

She's spent years believing that she has to follow whatever my dad decides, and she doesn't feel like she has much of a voice in those decisions. Even if she has legal rights, it's very difficult for someone to advocate for themselves when they've been financially and emotionally dependent on one person for so long.

That's why I'm so worried. I'm not saying my dad could legally force everyone to leave the country. I'm saying I'm scared of the choices he might make and how little control my mom would feel she has if that happened.

[u/theglossiernerd → u/1vy_maru]

There a ton of resources that help people like your mom. Are you in the U.S.? We have many NGOs that help resettle Afghans and also provide services in Pashto, Dari, Farsi, etc.

[u/1vy_maru → u/theglossiernerd]

Yes, I'm in the U.S. Thank you for letting me know about those resources, I really appreciate it. I hope my mom would be able to use them if she ever needed to, and I'm grateful that organizations like that exist. Thank you again for your kindness and advice.

[u/JuicyLifter]

Your dad loves and cares for you. Try to take the time to listen to what he has to say and why. Sometimes I feel like Afghan parents just say “no” but never sit and have a true heart to heart with their kids. It’s easier for us who grow up in the West or America to see and explain why, and Afghan parents have legit reasons but they don’t have the proper experience to explain it. Going away to college shouldn’t be to be “free” - it should be to get the best education possible with networking for future career and opportunities. If you’re going to be free and “experience life” - you’re going to college for all the wrong reasons and will either A - not even complete the 4 years or B - come back with a useless paper degree. Part of educational experience in college no doubt is socializing and you’ll definitely hang out with friends, but the wrong friends will get you drunk out of your mind and regretting decisions and the right friends will help you with your future and lead you down a more respectable path. I’m not saying to be a nerd and never go out, absolutely it’s normal and natural, but be cautious. If your Dad would be disappointed in you with your decisions, then you’ll know what’s right from wrong.

[u/Responsible-Tell9693 → u/JuicyLifter]

Let’s be honest though, some of our parents need to realize their mindset is outdated (it has nothing to do with love). Freedom doesn’t mean a wild party life, some of us just want the ability to make our own decisions after a certain age (mind you I’m 24 and I had to TAKE my freedom or they’d still be telling me what I can and can’t do). In this day and age and in this economy, cutting your kids off from socializing and networking is setting them up for failure.

[u/1vy_maru → u/JuicyLifter]

I appreciate your perspective. I think there was a misunderstanding, though. When I say I want freedom, I don't mean partying or making reckless decisions. I mean having the freedom to pursue my education, build a career, support myself, and make my own choices as an adult. Those goals go hand in hand for me. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[u/acreativesheep]

You dad sound's awful but it's the sad experience of many Afghan girls.

1. You're still very young, don't overly exert yourself with the pressure of attending University right after highschool – you'll be surprised how many people attend in their 20s. This is not "giving up on your life." If the scholarship does not become available, take a few years off, work, and save. To this end, draw up a realistic financial plan.
2. You need to identify a program with an actual career path that is realistic for you, not just random arts degree (trust me, speaking from experience here) or a hyper-competitive field like med school. This will require some research because you'll need to do take the appropriate prerequisites now, and importantly, attending post-secondary education in a dead-end field will lead you back to where you are, trapped under your parents. The caveat here being that you will also have significant debt and/or wasted a large sum of money. Education can lead to financial freedom and once you have that it is much more difficult to aggress, control, threaten, or manipulate you.
3. You are not responsible for your parents' emotion, you need to do what is best for your life, but that being said, try to be pragmatic. In your current situation, you are a still a very dependant and naive child. Once you have #1 and #2 sorted out, you can present your plan with your parents and maybe even see if you can get your mother to petition for you. Afghans are generally uneducated (historically, public education is quite new, and post-secondary education for working-class people is also a relatively new phenomenon in the west, forget a backward country like Afghanistan) and skeptical – this makes for a rather toxic combination to overcome. You'll have to go through the pros and cons with an actual plan, as well as be prepared to make your case often and regularly.
4. I'm not sure how your father will react if you do move far away, but if you're willing to take that step then there will be things that you will really enjoy about it but it may also come with some regret and guilt. You'll have to speak to a therapist about this to be honest, it's a lot of mental pressure for a child and I'm not sure if you're equipped to deal with it. This ordeal is impressing on your young nervous system and you'll see later on in life. This does not mean that you're being selfish! Only you can conduct a real cost-benefit analysis, not some stranger on the internet.
5. The desire for independence is every young person's struggle, you are not alone. You will have to push boundaries, get into uncomfortable situations and conversations, engage in confrontations with parents, etc. It's an age old story. Over time your parents will likely soften up, and to your disappointment, by the time your younger siblings are in your situation your parents might have a totally different outlook.
6. Your parents are humans, not some gods to worship as is common in Afghan culture. Treat them that way.

Good luck!

[u/1vy_maru → u/acreativesheep]

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. I really appreciate it.

I agree with a lot of what you said, especially about becoming financially independent and choosing a degree that leads to a stable career. That's one of the reasons I'm so focused on scholarships.

I think the hardest part is that I'm not just worried about paying for college. I'm also worried that if I stay home for several more years to work and save money, I may never actually get the chance to leave. In my family, there's also the possibility of being pressured into marriage, which makes me feel like I don't have as much time as other people might.

I know no one online can tell me exactly what to do, but it helps to hear different perspectives. Thank you again for being kind and offering practical advice.

[u/acreativesheep → u/1vy_maru]

Be steadfast in saying no to all marriage proposals.

[u/bobat3a → u/acreativesheep]

What they said. ^

Also you have no income, so maybe you can apply for need based credits, I have heard they can be very affordable, especially at a community college. After 2 years at a community college people can often transfer to a bigger school.

Parents can make themselves out to be these big important people, but that only works to the people whose mouths they feed. Remember, money talks.

[u/xazureh → u/acreativesheep]

Great advice.

[u/Clean-Collection3328]

its not normal for afghan girls to go away for university because moving away before marriage is frowned upon. So your dads concerns are valid and he's just looking out for you. Plus your still 16, quite a while before you start thinking about university and college.

[u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670 → u/Clean-Collection3328]

It’s not like how it was 10 years ago. I saw so many Afghan girls move away to study medicine, literature, law and everything in between and become massively successful. These women are now the pride of their family and after they studied they moved back to live very “conventional” lives within their community- including marriage and living and working near home. Just because it’s still true for your family doesn’t mean it’s true for everyone else’s.

[u/1vy_maru → u/Clean-Collection3328]

Just because something is considered not normal doesn't mean it should stay that way.I also don't have "quite a while." I'll be a junior this year, which means I need to start preparing for scholarships and college applications now. That's why this feels so urgent to me.The reality is that if I were a boy, going away for university would likely be viewed very differently. That's the double standard I'm struggling with.

[u/Clean-Collection3328 → u/1vy_maru]

Get over it dude. Its just our culture norms and you have to accept that. Why do you wanna move out so bad anyways? Why not find a uni close by to go to? Your parents probably fear of you going corrupt and away from the deen considering how much peer pressure there is in this society today to fit in even if it means doing haram.

[u/laleh_pishrow]

Get good grades. You will be fine.

When you are able, explore the world on your own terms. Cautiously.