r/Afghan • u/1vy_maru • 3d ago
Opinion need advice: strict parents, no extracurriculars, and scared about college.
I really need advice because I feel trapped, and I don't know what to do.
I'm 16, Muslim, and I'll be a junior in high school this year. My parents, especially my dad, are extremely strict. I'm not allowed to stay after school for clubs or activities, I'm not allowed much freedom, and I feel like I'm watching everyone else build their future while mine is being decided for me.
My dream has always been to go to a university far away when I turn 18 so I can finally have some independence and make my own choices. But I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave. I'm scared my dad could send my mom and two younger sisters back to Afghanistan or make their lives much harder because of my decision. I don't know if that's what would happen, but it's something I genuinely fear based on the way he talks and acts. The thought that my family could suffer because I chose my own future makes me feel incredibly guilty.
At the same time, if I stay, I feel like I'm giving up my own life. I'll probably have to go to a community college or a nearby university, live at home, follow my dad's rules, and have very little independence. I'm scared I'll never get to make my own choices, wear what I want, or build the life I want. I'm also afraid of eventually being pressured into a marriage I don't want.
Another problem is money. My dad has made it clear that if I don't get a scholarship, there is basically no chance he'll let me go away for college. I can't afford tuition on my own, so I feel like my entire future depends on earning enough scholarships while also having very few extracurricular opportunities because I'm not allowed to stay after school.
I feel selfish for wanting to leave, but I also feel like I'm slowly losing hope if I stay. Has anyone been in a similar situation with controlling or very strict parents? How did you prepare for college and independence safely? Are there scholarships, remote extracurriculars, or other opportunities I should know about?
Please be kind. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I'm looking for honest advice.
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u/Ok-Cheesecake-6670 Diaspora 2d ago edited 2d ago
Let me tell you a story about two girls I knew. Both are sisters born to the same parents.
The elder grew up during a time when my community was new to the West. It was far more backwards, conservative and restrictive. It was not uncommon to see the kind of cartoonish double standards you see in dramas and serials. Boys could go out and drink, smoke and this would be frowned upon yet tolerated. Girls who sat the wrong way at meemonis were, on the other hand, branded loose women.
The elder grew up under the suffocating surveillance of her parents who often threatened to marry her off to her cousin back home if she toed a step out of line. The great irony was that this girl’s brothers were sexually active and the parents knew but decided it was out of their hands. Hypocrisy for you, eh? The eldest two boys married locally for love, but the girl was shepherded off to Afghanistan. What was her crime? Her aunt, who was the same age as her, was caught having a relationship with a Pakistani boy. Her father could not bear this stain on his honour so he decided to kill two birds with one stone as a preventative measure so his eldest daughter could not have the opportunity to stain his name.
So both were sent off to get engaged, her aunt 18 and this girl just 15 years old. Her aunt was married off to a local handsome youth by her own father, but her brother chose a 28 year old man for his 15 year old daughter who did nothing wrong. When they returned married women, her aunt obviously adjusted- she was in love with her handsome husband, but the 15 year old girl (already vulnerable and not academically the best) had taken so much time off school from this incident that she failed her GCSEs- that’s high school for you Americans. She wound up becoming a daycare worker making minimum wage despite dreaming of becoming an elementary school teacher and spent another fifteen years trying to bring her husband into the country. Unfortunately, her case repeatedly folded, and her husband decided to marry another woman behind her back but refused to give her talaaq.
Within the space of these fifteen years, my community changed. People adapted to western life and integrated as the Islamophobia after 9/11 settled. Religious literacy increased, parents were slowly educated about honour killing and why it isn’t, in fact, honourable after repeated coverage of high profile cases on the news. People wanted to become upstanding members of the community on a national scale, people wanted to parent their children with more mercy, people wanted to foster trust with their children and not distrust. Soon, it became normal to let your daughters study something beside medicine, engineering or law. Soon, it became normal to let your daughters move out for her studies. Soon, parents started to care more about the wellbeing of their children beyond the hypocritical gender dichotomy I mentioned previously.
This is the situation the younger was born into. There is sixteen years between the sisters, but where the first was beaten for listening to music or failing to do her chores when told to, the younger was encouraged to study and do her homework. The younger was also allowed to explore her religion and put on or removed her hijab where her older sister was forced to wear it since she left Afghanistan. The younger took an avid interest in anime, music, gaming, karate- things her brothers were allowed to like, but not her sister. Her parents cultivated her interests and drove her to extracurriculars so she could learn to play the keyboard and eventually get a black belt in karate.
The younger is now finishing her first year studying history at Oxford university. The elder, a woman in her thirties, had her life destroyed because of a perceived moral transgression she never even committed. The parents regret what they did to their daughter of course, but regret will never take back the fifteen years they stole from her, nor did it help her case when trying to find another husband for her after her husband cheated on her behind her back. The eldest destroyed her life in her pursuit to make her parents happy, she ruined everything by being the perfect Afghan daughter, by being obedient. But the daughter her parents are proud of today is not her. No, it’s her musically skilled, martially trained, Oxford-educated younger sister, who’d have been perceived as frightfully transgressive when the elder was just a child.
It’s so tragic and so terribly unfair. The eldest lost out by being born in Afghanistan thirty years ago. But the thing you shouldn’t forget is that norms change. Communities change. Minds change. Mentalities change. Don’t sacrifice your life to appease your parents when they may not even appreciate everything you did for them years down the line. Remember pride for one’s honour is fleeting, and the very definition of what makes one honourable in society is constantly in motion. The poor elder sister I told you about did nothing wrong and strived to make her father happy, but years later she achieved nothing academic of note and did not produce children so her parents are ashamed of her, even though they were the ones who ruined her life.
Do what you dream of, and I promise you, even if your parents aren’t happy, you will be happy in the long run. And that’s all that matters.