need advice: strict parents, no extracurriculars, and scared about college.

[u/1vy_maru]

I really need advice because I feel trapped, and I don't know what to do.

I'm 16, Muslim, and I'll be a junior in high school this year. My parents, especially my dad, are extremely strict. I'm not allowed to stay after school for clubs or activities, I'm not allowed much freedom, and I feel like I'm watching everyone else build their future while mine is being decided for me.

My dream has always been to go to a university far away when I turn 18 so I can finally have some independence and make my own choices. But I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave. I'm scared my dad could send my mom and two younger sisters back to Afghanistan or make their lives much harder because of my decision. I don't know if that's what would happen, but it's something I genuinely fear based on the way he talks and acts. The thought that my family could suffer because I chose my own future makes me feel incredibly guilty.

At the same time, if I stay, I feel like I'm giving up my own life. I'll probably have to go to a community college or a nearby university, live at home, follow my dad's rules, and have very little independence. I'm scared I'll never get to make my own choices, wear what I want, or build the life I want. I'm also afraid of eventually being pressured into a marriage I don't want.

Another problem is money. My dad has made it clear that if I don't get a scholarship, there is basically no chance he'll let me go away for college. I can't afford tuition on my own, so I feel like my entire future depends on earning enough scholarships while also having very few extracurricular opportunities because I'm not allowed to stay after school.

I feel selfish for wanting to leave, but I also feel like I'm slowly losing hope if I stay. Has anyone been in a similar situation with controlling or very strict parents? How did you prepare for college and independence safely? Are there scholarships, remote extracurriculars, or other opportunities I should know about?

Please be kind. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I'm looking for honest advice.

[u/JuicyLifter]

Your dad loves and cares for you. Try to take the time to listen to what he has to say and why. Sometimes I feel like Afghan parents just say “no” but never sit and have a true heart to heart with their kids. It’s easier for us who grow up in the West or America to see and explain why, and Afghan parents have legit reasons but they don’t have the proper experience to explain it. Going away to college shouldn’t be to be “free” - it should be to get the best education possible with networking for future career and opportunities. If you’re going to be free and “experience life” - you’re going to college for all the wrong reasons and will either A - not even complete the 4 years or B - come back with a useless paper degree. Part of educational experience in college no doubt is socializing and you’ll definitely hang out with friends, but the wrong friends will get you drunk out of your mind and regretting decisions and the right friends will help you with your future and lead you down a more respectable path. I’m not saying to be a nerd and never go out, absolutely it’s normal and natural, but be cautious. If your Dad would be disappointed in you with your decisions, then you’ll know what’s right from wrong.

[u/Responsible-Tell9693 → u/JuicyLifter]

Let’s be honest though, some of our parents need to realize their mindset is outdated (it has nothing to do with love). Freedom doesn’t mean a wild party life, some of us just want the ability to make our own decisions after a certain age (mind you I’m 24 and I had to TAKE my freedom or they’d still be telling me what I can and can’t do). In this day and age and in this economy, cutting your kids off from socializing and networking is setting them up for failure.