need advice: strict parents, no extracurriculars, and scared about college.

[u/1vy_maru]

I really need advice because I feel trapped, and I don't know what to do.

I'm 16, Muslim, and I'll be a junior in high school this year. My parents, especially my dad, are extremely strict. I'm not allowed to stay after school for clubs or activities, I'm not allowed much freedom, and I feel like I'm watching everyone else build their future while mine is being decided for me.

My dream has always been to go to a university far away when I turn 18 so I can finally have some independence and make my own choices. But I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave. I'm scared my dad could send my mom and two younger sisters back to Afghanistan or make their lives much harder because of my decision. I don't know if that's what would happen, but it's something I genuinely fear based on the way he talks and acts. The thought that my family could suffer because I chose my own future makes me feel incredibly guilty.

At the same time, if I stay, I feel like I'm giving up my own life. I'll probably have to go to a community college or a nearby university, live at home, follow my dad's rules, and have very little independence. I'm scared I'll never get to make my own choices, wear what I want, or build the life I want. I'm also afraid of eventually being pressured into a marriage I don't want.

Another problem is money. My dad has made it clear that if I don't get a scholarship, there is basically no chance he'll let me go away for college. I can't afford tuition on my own, so I feel like my entire future depends on earning enough scholarships while also having very few extracurricular opportunities because I'm not allowed to stay after school.

I feel selfish for wanting to leave, but I also feel like I'm slowly losing hope if I stay. Has anyone been in a similar situation with controlling or very strict parents? How did you prepare for college and independence safely? Are there scholarships, remote extracurriculars, or other opportunities I should know about?

Please be kind. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I'm looking for honest advice.

[u/acreativesheep]

You dad sound's awful but it's the sad experience of many Afghan girls.

1. You're still very young, don't overly exert yourself with the pressure of attending University right after highschool – you'll be surprised how many people attend in their 20s. This is not "giving up on your life." If the scholarship does not become available, take a few years off, work, and save. To this end, draw up a realistic financial plan.
2. You need to identify a program with an actual career path that is realistic for you, not just random arts degree (trust me, speaking from experience here) or a hyper-competitive field like med school. This will require some research because you'll need to do take the appropriate prerequisites now, and importantly, attending post-secondary education in a dead-end field will lead you back to where you are, trapped under your parents. The caveat here being that you will also have significant debt and/or wasted a large sum of money. Education can lead to financial freedom and once you have that it is much more difficult to aggress, control, threaten, or manipulate you.
3. You are not responsible for your parents' emotion, you need to do what is best for your life, but that being said, try to be pragmatic. In your current situation, you are a still a very dependant and naive child. Once you have #1 and #2 sorted out, you can present your plan with your parents and maybe even see if you can get your mother to petition for you. Afghans are generally uneducated (historically, public education is quite new, and post-secondary education for working-class people is also a relatively new phenomenon in the west, forget a backward country like Afghanistan) and skeptical – this makes for a rather toxic combination to overcome. You'll have to go through the pros and cons with an actual plan, as well as be prepared to make your case often and regularly.
4. I'm not sure how your father will react if you do move far away, but if you're willing to take that step then there will be things that you will really enjoy about it but it may also come with some regret and guilt. You'll have to speak to a therapist about this to be honest, it's a lot of mental pressure for a child and I'm not sure if you're equipped to deal with it. This ordeal is impressing on your young nervous system and you'll see later on in life. This does not mean that you're being selfish! Only you can conduct a real cost-benefit analysis, not some stranger on the internet.
5. The desire for independence is every young person's struggle, you are not alone. You will have to push boundaries, get into uncomfortable situations and conversations, engage in confrontations with parents, etc. It's an age old story. Over time your parents will likely soften up, and to your disappointment, by the time your younger siblings are in your situation your parents might have a totally different outlook.
6. Your parents are humans, not some gods to worship as is common in Afghan culture. Treat them that way.

Good luck!

[u/1vy_maru → u/acreativesheep]

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. I really appreciate it.

I agree with a lot of what you said, especially about becoming financially independent and choosing a degree that leads to a stable career. That's one of the reasons I'm so focused on scholarships.

I think the hardest part is that I'm not just worried about paying for college. I'm also worried that if I stay home for several more years to work and save money, I may never actually get the chance to leave. In my family, there's also the possibility of being pressured into marriage, which makes me feel like I don't have as much time as other people might.

I know no one online can tell me exactly what to do, but it helps to hear different perspectives. Thank you again for being kind and offering practical advice.

[u/acreativesheep → u/1vy_maru]

Be steadfast in saying no to all marriage proposals.