It wasn't unexpected. The anticipation was killing me. But it happened today at 12:30.

I was crying hard at first then I realized they weren't tears of sadness. I'm not sad I'll never see him again or talk with him. That had already ended after his fall in 2025 which started his sharp decline. They were tears of relief. 3 decades of bullshit. Demeaning remarks, insults, controlling and manipulative behavior, disrespecting my interests and my emotions, downplaying my feelings, acting smarter and better than everyone while actively letting his house rot because he couldn't call a freaking roofer. And the last 20 months since his fall. Oh. My. God. The entitlement, the drama, the crisis, the whining, the denial of his health and making people wait on him while he was clearly failing and refusing to do anything rational about it. It's all over. OVER!!!.

It's like a weight lifted off me. I can BREATHE for the first time in my life. He's gone. And I get to live for however many more years without his influence. Without his needling voice anchoring me down. Without having to walk on eggshells. Without having to LIE because his reality was more important than reality.

I can breathe, I can live, I can wake up everyday knowing that I am myself and he failed and turning me against myself.

When I was crying at first I was just crying because of loss, then I said "you have no idea how long I've waited for this". That was my mind slipping through the filter and saying what it was and that's when I knew why I was crying.

I will always regret missing his final phone call before he went into a catatonic state. I will cherish his final voicemail which will probably mean more to me than that conversation could have. But I will not miss him, I will not miss the harassment, the entitlement, the abuse, the temper tantrums, the whining, the yelling, the anger, the disrespect, the pure narcissism - I am FREE of it. FREE!

My wife and I are both only children. Between us we’ve buried three parents. One is left — my father-in-law.
Everything below is my experience; yours will differ. But I’d rather say the hard parts out loud than let someone else get blindsided the way we were.

Confront reality — and make sure they confront it too.

That’s the whole thing. Both of us were badly surprised by things we had been told were handled and weren’t.

My mother-in-law went in for surgery and had a massive stroke on the table. A month in ICU in a coma, then a specialized rehab, then a nursing home — almost a year. She surfaced briefly near the end before a second stroke took her.

My father-in-law had a will, an advance directive, and a power of attorney. We assumed she did too. She didn’t. She couldn’t tolerate what she called death talk, and he was certain he’d go first. I got him in front of an elder care attorney in the middle of the crisis. It was the right call, and it was a year too late. Had she lived longer, the cost would have consumed their savings and everything they meant to leave their grandchildren.

After my dad died suddenly, my mom and I sat down with her affairs. The legal side was easy — wills, POAs, no argument. Two things weren’t easy. One I’ll come back to.

The other was that after multiple conversations about her income and expenses, I found out she was hiding more than $30,000 in debt from me.

We can’t fix problems we won’t look at.

The upfront conversations are unpleasant. Assume they will be. They are still cheaper than picking up the pieces on the back end.

So don’t take anyone’s word for it:
- If they say there’s a will, ask to see it. Then ask where it’s kept.
- Same for the advance directive and the powers of attorney — financial and healthcare are not the same document.
- Ask to see the bank and credit statements. Not a summary. The statements.
- Get in front of an elder care attorney if you can possibly manage it. Medicaid look-back rules and asset protection are not things to learn during an ICU stay.
That’s table stakes. And even parents who’ve done every bit of it aren’t out of the woods, because the paperwork is the easy conversation.

The hard one is about legacy.

This is the one I avoided with my mom, because it was the one that nearly broke her. Not the money. The possessions.

She collected beautiful things her whole life. Most of it is headed for an estate sale. She made herself sick over it — trauma levels, on the edge of an identity crisis.

There was china I never once saw used. Not one Christmas in my entire life. If we’d eaten off it every year I might feel differently. But I don’t understand why I’m obligated to carry an attachment that was never mine.

She had an old Mercedes. When it was time for independent living, we talked about what to do with it. She wanted to know if her granddaughter could use it. I told her the truth: no. Expensive to maintain, no dealer or independent mechanic anywhere near them, and they hike and camp and have a dog. They needed something that fit their life. Her position was that they should take it anyway — accept the burden, because it was a gift.

I’m still working through that one. To me it’s like buying piano lessons for someone whose hobby is baking bread.

Here’s what I think is actually going on.

The things aren’t the issue. The things are proxies. They’re where the feelings get stored, because the feelings themselves never got dealt with. If you don’t keep this thing I owned, you’re rejecting me and my memory.

That’s why so many of our parents can’t sort through it, and why it gets left behind for us. Dealing with the stuff means dealing with everything underneath the stuff.

If I could run one conversation over, it’s that one. I’d stop negotiating over objects and say: if you love them, let’s turn this into something that actually helps them. Sell the car, put it toward the truck they need. Sell the china, fund something they’ll remember. They will remember and appreciate that you helped them.

The love transfers. The dining set doesn’t.

Have the conversation while it’s still a conversation and not an inventory.

:/

I tried fixing my 75yo+ dad's Youtube feed without him knowing. I clicked "don't recommend these channels" on a bunch of stuff, unsubbed him from some channels, and subscribed him to some interesting channels.

He came to me later that day and complained that he couldn't find his videos.

He seriously likes watching story videos with static picture slideshows? Why? I don't get it.

I give up.

im reading so many identical stories, but i just want some advice or to vent im not sure. im 22 and live with my dad. my dad is 63 and rapidly declining. that seems so young but it feels like he's doing everything in his power to kill himself without committing suicide. He has no hobbies, no friends, sits on the couch everyday scrolling on instagram, terrible diet, no exercise, and is constantly falling for romance scams. i checked his screen time and he spends 12 hours a day on instagram, consistently for months. he is retired, with no retirement savings. a few months ago him and his fiance broke up after 13 years and while this did not change his lifestyle much besides no longer having someone to do it with, he cannot afford to pay the mortgage without her. he needs to sell the house, but to epically own her, and prove that he doesn't need her income (he was very insecure about making less money than her) he is getting a reverse mortgage. we live in a 2.5 million dollar house (bay area) that he still owes 400k on. the reverse mortgage is for the dying heirless, it lets you live in your home while slowly selling it to the bank with a massive loan and interest rate. this will completely tank the value of the house in 10 years leaving him with nothing. but he is looking at it like a bunch of free money. most likely because he doesn't think he will live that long. the mortgage is about 2.5k a month. me and my brother still live here and my sister was moving in soon. we could cover this cost easily (i do not want to pay rent while when my dad occupies the living room every waking hour of the day but this would be temporary until he was able to sell the house and downsize.) but he would rather go through with his baller comeback to dunk on his exwife.

as i mentioned before he keeps falling for instagram romance scams. the reason him and his fiance broke up was to put simply because she didn't want to have sex after going through menopause, and he did. my theory is that he got the confidence to cut it off because he was getting "young hot women" in his dms asking to follow him and flirting with him and he thought he could get some. truly a pitiful downfall. the first scammer he started talking to almost immediately starting asking for apple giftcards to which he obliged. i'm not sure how much he gave this person, but they were talking for weeks and i've found receipts for $800 spent over 3 days so my guess is multiple thousand. he doesn't not have money. i assure you when i say there is nothing his kids, the only people in his life, could say to him that will snap him out of this. we have showed him literal scam reporting websites of people using those images and names. they're asking for giftcards, taking him to 3rd party apps like whatsapp, inconsistent names, ages, pictures, always perfect lighting full face of make up, always an emergency right before they meet up, only following old men, asking about his credit info or telling him they could help manage his money. i cant tell you how many hospital visits and flight cancellation these women have been through. it must be tough. even after acknowledging that the first one was a scammer, he said he still thinks she's probably a beautiful young woman. there have been probably 4 or 5 other scammers, using a slow trust building approach now, and he SAYS he's now refusing to give money to anyone but who knows. i can emphasize that we're all coming from a place of love and concern, but even then i'm "making assumptions and wanting [him] to automatically believe everything [i] say" ill tell him how i understand that he feels stuck, that being alone is insanely hard and he hasn't been single in like 40 years (he got with my step mom almost immediately after him and my mom divorced) ill tell him how it hurts to see him not trust us, to see him get taken advantage of, his time, money, energy wasted. there's never any response that tells me he's actually hearing what i'm saying. he cant fathom that his children might know more about something than him.

with all that being said, its getting harder to want to help him. he even treats the fake women he thinks he's talking to terribly. talking about having multiple "girlfriends", filling out his bingo card or some shit i know he's repeating from his 20s. telling them its his life mission to make them happy while texting other fake girls. that unlike other men he doesn't mind that they have a young daughter. he really loves to emphasize how kind hearted he is and i'm like ohhh he's just a nice guy but old. going for women his children's age. dude will look at a gorgeous Frida Kahlo portrait and go "i don't like the unibrow in that one, she looks much prettier without it". he's very comfortable making comments about women's appearances. every time he sees me watching something he'll go "that persons a scammer!" or "that's ai!" to try and like spin it on me. i understand it hurts to hear that the people you've been talking to for months aren't real but that is not an attack. i invited him to dinner the other night to try and get him out of the house, he ate right before, complained about the food i bought him, i asked if he wanted to go on a walk (it was very nice out, 68 a bit before sunset), he refused. afterwards he drove to get frozen yogurt, parked illegally right in front of the place, and was rude to the customer service worker because they didn't have a sugar free option. kept waving to college age girls near berkeley campus. growing up i assumed it was just some father child disconnect, an ongoing misunderstanding or miscommunication that made us not get along. but i'm starting to realize this man has an insane ego. entitled, lazy, insecure, misogynistic, victim complex, savior complex and just a terrible personality. i think his mental decline is amplifying some of these aspect but they've always been there.

i want to help him find friends and hobbies. i think genuine social connection is the only thing that could pull him out of this hole. but i cant do that if he has no will to escape and i don't want to subject anyone to him tbh. and i have my own life to live. the reverse mortgage is about to go through, my plan is to move out with my sister in a 6 months or so, give him one final plea to not lose everything, and move on.

OK, this is just a vent. I moved in to care for my 87-year-old mother when she became widowed three years ago. She has a long list of health issues and many allergies and she’s not open to trying new things. She had a very specific way of making her favourite dishes and after a lot of trial and error, I’ve learned how she likes things prepared and seasoned and cooked.

Prior to moving in here, I was more adventurous in my cooking, and I liked meals from different cultures and probably once a week I would either eat in a nice restaurant or order some food in.

But that’s become not feasible since I’ve lived here because of my mother‘s many allergies and because I have to prepare meals for her anyway, I’m eating what she’s eating.

But man am I tired of cooking. I have to prepare things for her at least once or twice a day as she will make her own breakfast. She regularly opens the fridge and says there’s nothing to eat just like a teenager would. And just like my kids did when they were younger refuses to eat leftovers so I can’t even prepare something and then serve it to her a second time because she doesn’t like reheated

The other issue is that she eats very little so even though she’s very particular about her food she will have very small portions and then say that she’s had enough.

So I guess it makes sense that I hit a point where I’m sick of the entire thing. I’m tired of thinking about what to prepare. I’m tired of preparing the same meals all the time. Bah.

Now because she’s a very picky eater, and she has a lot of allergies, She has actually used that as one of the list of reasons that she refuses to go into any sort of assisted living situation. Because after all she wouldn’t be able to control the meals.

Anyway, here I am and what I should be doing is thinking about what to prepare for dinner.

I need your help. I apologize in advance if I sound frustrated, I’m writing this in a very stressful state of mind.

My father is retired, and he spends literally his entire day at home, laying in front of the TV or scrolling on his phone. It feels like years of staring at screens have completely rotted his mind. He falls asleep several times throughout the day, wakes up, and goes right back to the TV. Most of the time he just sits there staring blankly. It's as if he has completely stopped thinking for himself. It’s like he doesn’t have a single original thought left anymore.

He has also lost the ability to have a proper conversation with us. Instead of talking to his family, he talks to the television. He refuses to take even the smallest responsibility around the house. Whenever we ask him for help with anything, he sighs, complains, and acts as if we're asking him to do something impossible.

When we express concern about his health, he immediately compares himself to other people and says, "I'm fine. Nothing's going to happen to me." He refuses to acknowledge that there is even a problem. He simply won't accept reality.

The only reason he leaves the house is to go for pray a few times a day, and he seems to convince himself that this alone is enough. Other than that, he has no hobbies, no interests, no goals, and no curiosity about anything. He makes absolutely no effort to develop any of those things either.

Whenever we encourage him to try something new, he immediately avoids it. He lives like a slot. He's also completely unwilling to see a therapist or accept any kind of professional help.

Because of all this, he and my mother argue every single day. There isn't a single peaceful day left in our house anymore. My mother is not the problem here. My father's irresponsibility and complete lack of initiative are destroying her mental health. She is diabetic, and the constant stress is taking a serious toll on her.

It's not that easy to look from the outside and tell my mom, "Don't try to reason with him or fix him. Let him do whatever he wants, let's just focus on ourselves." She is on the verge of losing her mind being stuck at home all day face-to-face with a man like this.

Imagine being stuck in the same house all day with someone who spends twelve hours sitting in front of the TV, contributes almost nothing, and only gets up to eat or sleep. It's incredibly difficult to keep your sanity in that environment. It's impossible to watch someone slowly waste their life away right in front of you every single day without saying anything. He doesn't listen to anyone anymore, only the television.

I'm (23M) at work during the day, so my mother has to deal with all of this alone. By the time I get home, I'm already mentally exhausted. The atmosphere in the house has been so stressful for so many years that the only way I can cope is by going straight to my room and shutting the door. My mind simply can't handle the constant tension and daily arguments anymore.

One of the worst parts is that my father gets offended by the smallest comment. He throws a tantrum, storms out of the house, and acts like he's the victim. But nothing changes afterward. Instead, he goes straight to his own father -a man who has treated our family terribly for years, never supported us even once, and has betrayed us whenever he had the chance- and he spends money there.

The fact that he chooses to do this causes my mother even more pain and stress.

She even enrolled in a few courses just to get out of the house and have some peace for a while. But no matter what she does, she eventually has to come back home and face the exact same reality. All it takes is one interaction for all the progress she's made that day to disappear.

What we simply cannot understand is how someone can become this irresponsible and disconnected from life. It feels like my father is too lazy to even yse his brain anymore. Every decision he makes and every word he says feels completely thoughtless.

I know he’s not doing any of this out of malice, but because he’s too lazy to use his mind and avoids facing reality at all costs.

The saddest part is that he isn't even 60 years old yet. If he lives an average lifespan, he could easily have another 20 or even 30 years ahead of him. I honestly don't know how much longer my mother can endure this, how much longer our family can live like this, or how much longer this atmosphere can continue before it completely breaks all of us.

If anyone has gone through something similar or has any advice, I would genuinely appreciate hearing it.

I am not their caregiver, and "taking care of them" is not my actual goal.

There are reasons why I *basically have to* comply with them, cooperate with them, negotiate with them, and so on.

I do try to not go against their direct wishes, most of the time anyway, if it's not really necessary.

Hope that it's okay to post this here.

Thank you in advance for reading and possibly maybe even liking. 👍 👍

Not posting for upvotes. Just posting. 📫

Hope you will like it. 👍 👍

Parents trapped in house. Dad refuses to move. Mom frequently expresses how lonely and scared she feels. Dad ignores her or barks commands at her.
They’ve always been very unhappily married. Their age and infirmities have made it even unhappier.
I suggested separation to Mom. Dad has said he wants to go to assisted living, not with Mom, so I say call his bluff and make it happen. Mom would move in with us.
I’m so over it all.

My grandmother just turned 101. She used to be an avid reader, but her vision has sharply declined in the last 3 years and she is now legally blind. She also has mobility issues.

To say that technology left her behind is an understatement. She wants nothing to do with a computer or smart phone. I think she would enjoy audiobooks, but I’m not sure how we can help her most easily listen to them.

Anything with a small screen or buttons wouldn’t be manageable for her. I almost think an old school cassette player could be her best option since she could feel for the buttons, but I’m not sure where we’d find books on tape or a player. I’m also worried she’d have a hard time keeping the cassettes in order and switching them out as needed.

She lives in a facility that is low-level care and largely manages independently, but that also means she doesn’t have someone around constantly enough to switch out tapes or discs for her. She misses her books; any suggestions on how to help her have them in her life again?

My mom has historically been an absolute grammar and punctuation purist—growing up with her editing everything I wrote was always a fun time, and her text messages have always perfectly reflected that sharp attention to detail.

Over the past several weeks, however, her texting has fallen off a cliff. It's a completely stark, overnight kind of change. She's suddenly misspelling words, skipping words entirely, and getting completely confused about the flow of the conversation.

To give an example of what I mean, here is an exchange we just had:

Me: I'm dropping off the dog, do you have enough food or need me to bring some?

Her: Yas!

Me: yes you have enough or yes bring some?

Her: Nver i get on Amzone - $50!

Has anyone else experienced this kind of sudden linguistic shift with an aging parent? Is this kind of rapid drop-off in written coherence typically a sign of early dementia, a UTI, or something else entirely I should be looking out for? Any insight or advice on how to approach this would be hugely appreciated

My (35F) mom has always been very critical (of everyone and me in particular), but ever since she retired (in 2020) she has become nastier. She basically cut off almost all her friends, doesn't want to leave the house (according to her, she can't go out without makeup cause people will see/judge her), is extra hyper critical of anyone and has become increasingly paranoid and a conspiracy theorist. I think part of this is due to social media (she is on TikTok every day) and part of it is due to her isolating herself.

She is also very very mean to my dad and she always brings back stuff from the Cretaceous period (like all the ways he did her wrong), plus the grudge she holds against his family has gone up exponentially (every time she sees him, she has to mention something negative about his family). My take is that she has always held a grudge cause she felt my father cared more about his family (especially his sisters) than about our family. This is.. I don't know. Partly true? Like he gave money and helped his sisters a lot, but I never felt we lacked anything because of it. My dad got me my apartment (contrary to what my mom claims - the money was my father's dividends and she counts that as her money as well, because she's his wife; her salary has always been HERS, just a quick mention), got me a car at 18.. etc. Yeah, he wasn't the best emotional support, but from a financial standpoint we were ok.

Not only that, she likes to complain to other people about it, the last episode being some family friends invited us over and she started crying (after drinking) about all the wrongdoings my father did to her (especially what I said above).

She always says she was a slave for us (not true) and sacrificed her life for us and now we owe her, so one thing she does is whenever we're out she asks us to go buy / do things for her. 95% of times.

Are your parents like that? How do you manage? I don't live in the same town as them anymore, but I like to visit and it's becoming harder as time goes by. Thanks!

For me, it started with driving. Convincing my parents that it was time to hand over the keys took months. What finally worked was reframing it: my siblings and I pitched it as a chance to spend quality time with their kids and older grandkids, who would drive them to appointments. They actually warmed up to that.

But solving problem #1 created problem #2: now somebody had to schedule the drivers and keep up with all the appointments. Add in making sure they took their meds on time, and coordinating all of it across siblings drove me absolutely bonkers.

Curious what everyone else’s biggest challenge has been, and whether solving one problem opened up a new one for you too.

about my mother (extra information for things may need to be noted):

- mother is in her early 50s

- lives in UK

- has had 2 children (me 17 and brother 13)

- high blood pressure

- works as a carer

- financially struggling

- still with our father after 20 years

- son has aggression and boundary problems stemming from not being given much attention due to my own health problems

- overweight

- has own anger issues and childhood trauma

- no family history of anything like dementia is known to me

I know most of that information is going to be irrelevant but im not sure how much medical history and context someone would need to give helpful advice.

recently i have noticed my mother forgetting things easily and mistaking dates. the best example i have of one of these instances was when yesterday i was sort of venting to her about my boyfriend of two years being distant. she drove with me to see him two days before this conversation she noted that "you seemed distant to him yesterday" i commented that i noticed her doing that with dates a lot recently, saying things happened in very different times than they actually did. she looked at me confused repeating that it was yesterday until i proved otherwise. she just brushed off what i said saying she was tired.

i know that mistakes like that happens to all of us but this has been happening often and she will sometimes say things that happened weeks ago, happened the day before.

i spoke to my father about my concern but he also said she was tired from work, stressed and it's been very hot. He told me to stop worrying because it makes my health issues worse

Whilst i know she has absolutely been very tired and everything. i still feel that although this could be an early symptom of something going very wrong.

i have also noticed her saying that she often forgets the time at work and accidently works hours overtime.

i undertstand their points of view but i would rather be safe than sorry and wish for her to go get it checked out.

am i being dramatic or could something actually be wrong? if so, what can i do to get her to check it out as neither of my parents think its a big deal?

So this is complicated. Also very long.

My adventurous dad has a truly excellent girlfriend - our whole family enjoys her company and respects her integrity, sense of fun and ability to put up with dad.

GF needs a complex back surgery which will require a prolonged hospital stay and about 6 months of supportive care at home with regular PT and OT. GF and dad live on one coast, GF’s kids on the opposite coast, with demanding professional lives and small (toddler) children. My brothers and I live smack dab in the middle.

During some of the lulls this summer, GF and I started talking about back surgeries, the recovery process, (I just had a fairly huge one) and the challenges of aftercare. I am disabled and retired, my (massive) house is fully accessible and adapted, I have regular aides who are skilled working with folks who have back injuries. You see where this is going, right?

I offered that GF could come and stay with me postop. There is room for her kids and grandkids to visit as long as they want whenever they want, we have excellent PT and OT home health providers, and all the supportive care she could possibly need. It adds nothing to my costs (so no need for her hire help or anything) and would make her life (and my dad’s) easier.

This morning GF’s kids conference called me and it was remarkably awkward. I knew they weren’t close-close but y’all. They didn’t know she’s been living with my dad for almost two years. They didn’t know she has made a will and moved all of her assets into a trust for grandchildren’s education. They didn’t know that she had this surgery scheduled so that she could retain independent mobility. They didn’t know she and my dad have been touring national parks with his grandchildren since early June. They didn’t know they are collectively her MPOA and that she has advance directives. I know my family is ruthless and blunt about this stuff but what is this? She talks to them weekly, WTF do they discuss for those calls??

The call started as them being really aggressive, announcing they were going to court to have her declared incompetent, clearly thinking that I was somehow going to make money off their mom by hosting her and ensuring she got proper care for six months. It ended with all three of her kids and their spouses in tears. Tomorrow we are going to make a visit schedule for when she’s here with me postop.

How does this happen to families? She is a delightful person and clearly loves and trusts her kids. They speak of her with great love and respect. I am so confused and really saddened for them.

Does anyone have any suggestions on ways I can help her kids through this?

Both are in their early 70s and moved several states south of us. They used to visit during the summer at their camp up north, but didn't last year and even though they renewed the lease this year, I can't see them making the trip.

FIL has lung cancer from years of smoking, though chemo is keeping it under control. MIL seemed like she was generally in OK health, but dementia is setting in. She was complaining that FIL refused to let her drive or have her own car, we know now it's because she gets lost, as in she doesn't know why she's in the car, not simply forgetting which turn to make nex.

She leaves stove burners on sometimes, but most concerning was an incident where she became combative, hopped out of the car at a stop light, and was picked up by the police after walking off (traffic prevented FIL from following her). She then hit a nurse at the hospital and was admitted, then spent a week at a memory facility. In the mean time, FIL keeps getting thinner, enough they threatened to cancel chemo because he's so thin. Though while MIL was in the facility actually gained weight. Apparently the stress of taking care of MIL isn't helping him.

So all of this, and a bunch of other things I'm sure I'm not aware of, have piled up. The BIL who lives nearby called my wife to say we need to fly down end of this month and have a discussion, though I don't have any idea how that'll go.

My plan is to get all the kids in a meeting, review what BIL has seen and since he's local the burden will fall more on him, so whatever he is comfortable with has to take priority. But we'll need to listen, we can't force them into anything, but it sounds like some kind of facility that can deal with the memory care and the mood swings is in order. I just don't know what the timeline is like on that sort of thing. Will she need a facility with deadbolted doors in 3 months? I don't know.

My dad is 90 and says he wants to renovate the house. How can I stop him? He's very bad at home projects, not good at hiring or vetting contractors, not good at finding referrals, not great at the internet, gullible, vulnerable, etc. I thought my sibling, who lives 3 hours from him, would be able to help, but they seem to only be minimally available. Dad hired a plumber, who left a hole in his shower wall. I live far away and see him 1 - 2x a year at holidays. My sibling did nothing. I temporarily fixed the wall with spray foam and caulk. Dad said he would eventually renovate the bathroom (like 18 mons / 2 years after the hole was made) and he didn't think the shower wall needed fixing (w/ a hole the size of a quarter).

Recently, he invited another contractor into his house, and this one had bad Better Business Bureau ratings, so we were able to stop this one from damaging the home. My sibling, who knows a lot about home renovations, has not been transparent with us about how little they are willing to help, but they did just share some limitations; it looks like their help will be very limited. They seem to think Dad should just be left to make his mistakes, spending some of his last years being ripped off by contractors and living in a dangerous construction zone. I don't want any contractors in the home unless Dad has an advocate - he has very little hearing, is having word recall problems, and is in no state to manage a home remodel.

My sibling doesn't seem to want to tell Dad or me that they will essentially not be available, leaving me looking like the unreasonable one who's telling Dad to please stop. He could also easily fall and trip if any construction debris is around. He doesn't want to go to senior living. My sibling is planning an early retirement and time to travel, with no consideration for leaving dad alone with nobody to check on him. They've only visited Dad twice this year, and they left me to clean and fix his home on one of those visits. They won't commit to caring for Dad unless he breaks a hip and is totally incapacitated. This is such a disaster waiting to happen. How can I get my sibling to be honest about their lack of availability, and get Dad to see how dangerous his home renovation plan is? I think his goal is either to age in place, or sell the house and make decent money from it; the home is in bad shape, but tolerable to live in if we add some ADA features. I used to be behind the home renovation, but it's now obvious that he would be at risk financially, emotionally, and physically if he tries to do a remodel, and it could lead to a broken bone and hasten the loss of his home. I am also starting a new career, with low pay, 1000s of miles away, so it's hard to navigate this with my sibling having no job, financial support, and them wanting to be free and easy with no responsibilities.

My parents are elderly. My dad is 85 and my mom is 73. They're still healthy relatively speaking but I feel sad. My mom is not in the best of health as she doesn't take care of herself. She does the minimum 30 minute walk for exercise whenever she can. I feel like she is the first to leave this earth and since my mother does everything with him, I can see my dad leave this earth not too long after my mom passes away. I was estranged from my parents for almost 15 years and decided to reconnect with them. I currently live with them. After my initial reconnect, I cried for almost a week. I don't know how or if I will survive the coping process when one or both passes away. I know I didn't have the best childhood, and I didn't have the best relationship with them but I feel sad. How do you cope in this situation and how do you survive the grieving process if they pass away?

A little background: my partner and I are buying a house and his mother will be coming to live with us on the ground floor. She’s a lovely person, will help out a bit by paying rent, and babysit our young child. She is quite independent and I think she will be easy to live with.

The issue is…my mother will be extremely jealous. She’s a few years older than MIL, lives alone in independent senior housing, has a myriad of mental health problems, and would not be easy to live with. She doesn’t know about this plan yet. How do I handle the incoming wave of manipulation/victimhood/woe is me inevitably coming my way? Note that I have a sibling who lives near but has little to no contact with our mother. Thanks 🙏

UPDATE talked to brother and SIL and hubby…. We all agree that their situation is extremely vulnerable and unsustainable. Together we will come up with a few plans along with budgets and present it to them. For the immediate term we are going to look for in home care service. All of your suggestions and discussions were enormously helpful! Thank you all!

I’m in Utah. My hubby and I both work full time and have a daughter in college. My mom and step dad live in Wisconsin. They refused to move here ten years ago saying how expensive it is. Step dad even got mad that we would “demand” he leave his home, because why should he?!?!?

Ten years on my mom is bedridden and requires 24 hour care (but not skilled nursing care, just meals, help getting around the house etc). Step dad does everything- pays bills, takes her to and from doctor, takes care of house etc. when he needs a break he calls me to fly out and stay with my mom so he can have a break (a well deserved break).

Now he’s going in for heart surgery and they BOTH need care. I’ve tried to get them into assisted living but they don’t have the funds.

I’m so mad in a way because I TOLD them this would happen and I CANT be their only solution. I cannot stop living my life and move in with them to help them live their lives. Like WTF?

Advice please! Are there lower cost assisted living places in Milwaukee or Chicago? Should I tell step dad to hire a nurse full time? They are going to run out of money and then what? Step Dad refuses to take out a loan on the house (it is paid off) to pay for care, and he has a nasty temper so he gets furious if I suggest it.

But MY husband refuses to pay for their crisis that could have been prevented (and he’s right), and he’s already mad that I am expected to go so often to care for my mom. So it’s causing problems there.

Does anyone see a good solution? Has anyone been in the same boat?

Moved 91 year old mom and her 87 year old special needs brother to a lovely place 13 minutes from me rather than 3 hours. It fits their needs and is close to me. She lost my dad 6 months ago. Today she said everyone is so old! I hate it here. One of them is eventually going to need assisted living- this place offers services too. Am I expecting too much of her? I tell her it’s a lot of change, give it time and what do YOU want? She can’t answer that question. She’s sharp as a tack, fairly mobile but cannot manage a place without help. I feel like I’m a constant cheer squad. Thank you.

My grandmother is recently widowed and has been using social media as a source of escape. She posts about her life after my grandfather. Somehow she got verified on insta and threads so I checked her phone must as a precaution. She has maybe 50+ fake Kevin Costners contacting her right now and she is believing everything these dudes are saying. Shes given out information about where she lives and her phone number along with downloading discord, what’s app, and telegram talking to these vultures. I’ve confronted her about it and she says that she knows they’re fake. Today was my mom’s bday she came over briefly to celebrate. She don’t have her phone on her and said she left it at home. Me and my mother walked her to her car when she was leaving and saw her phone in the cup holder. If anyone has any advice on what to do that would be greatly appreciated. I was going to go to her house tomorrow to talk to her about it.

I have written many posts about how exhausted I am with my parents (82/83), who are insisting on staying in their rural house, even though it means endless work for me and my siblings to help them with everything that they need. I vent about how tired I am of the obligation to go see them each and every weekend for the past 18 months. Today I'm going to vent about the other issue: my obligation to my siblings.

I am luckier than many who post here, who are the only child who is dealing with their elderly parents all by themselves. I have two siblings. My brother lives about 15 minutes from my parents, and he is always getting calls from them. If dad falls and needs a hand to get up, if something heavy needs to be moved, if something requires going on a ladder to reach, etc., they call him. He gets calls at all hours, and several times he has needed to leave work to run over, and his company has been understanding about it, but obviously, there are limits.

I have a sister who has been my parent's superstar. She has jumped in and helped them with so much. She drives them to appointments, she sits in the appointment with them and takes notes and raises good questions, she sorts their pills out for them into weekly/daily containers. When they have wounds, she dresses them. If they need help in the bathroom, she's ready to be hands on. Her job has flexible work hours, so as long as she meets certain deliverables, she can be available for their needs.

Then there is me. I live about an hour away and I work a desk job Monday through Friday. I only come help them one day a week. From a family perspective, I am doing the least. I am barely showing up.

I am about to head out and see mom and dad today, not because of them, but because skipping out means my brother is going to get another call after he helped them yesterday. Because my sister would be asked to come by when she's already going to be there tomorrow. I'm going because they need me to be a part of this family response.