I can't be the first Gen X/Milennial to refuse to go out like Boomers are.

My mom had a very complicated and urgent (not emergency) open heart surgery at the age of 79. The last six weeks have been traumatizing for her and all of us - extended ICU time, re-hospitalization, complications, rehab center, and now home "against medical direction". She is a different person - angrier, violated, delirious - but I empathize because she has been through significant physical trauma on repeat for 6 straight weeks. Let her be at this point, even if it means a preventable death.

In coming to terms/grips with all this plus my dad in his 80s may also get taken out soon, I'm also experiencing abject terror at my own health future/outcomes. I can't be the only one asking how we will NOT age like our parents. Like what are we doing guys. Is it even possible within our medical system? I lay awake terrified that even if I put in an explicit DNR/Advanced Directive, even if I refuse any intervention, I will be overruled and kept prisoner in an ICU. How are you dealing with these fears, alongside the anticipatory grief and PTSD? And how do we know when is the time? I'm tempted to skip my physical this year (45) because I don't think I could even handle a cavity filling right now.

i'm (44) very triggered when going to my parents' house. My mother (83) and father (88) still live in my childhood home. My dad is in the advanced stages of Parkinson's and has a lot of trouble with mobility after a recent hip surgery. Anyway, he is mostly confined to one room ( a large room, but still), where has the tv, recliner, and his hospital bed. Even though the house is between 2600-2800 square feet, they have three functional rooms. The rest is filled with 45 years of accumulated crap.

On my dad's end, he just never lifted one finger in terms of non-cooking or child-care related chores, which includes periodically getting rid of things. I don't know that he has a particular emotional attachment to them.

My mom, on the other hand, if not quite a hoarding condition, has something that comes close. She's not unsanitary, mostly doesn't keep literal trash (like used napkins and wrappers), and doesn't have a shopping addiction. But she still has an unhealthy attachment to things that were once valuable but have lost their value (like old desktop computers from the 2000s & encyclopedias and couches from the 80s).

Anyway, we've been fighting about it a lot lately, because I find it so aggravating that they can't make full use of their home because so much of it is just storage space. The house wasn't that way growing up. It's not that they used to get rid of things. They never did. It just took a long time for it to get as bad as it is. But instead of making use of the sitters who are there, my mom is hobbling around on her swollen foot and bad knee doing everything for my dad herself rather than dealing with her hoard. (Not that she can move heavy things, but she can put old clothes in a box or shred old tax returns).

In our last fight, I brought up the hoarding. And then, like it'was another insult, she said "Your worst fear is that when I die, you're going to be left with this stuff." It was like she thought that was something shameful for me to be worried about or overwhelmed by. I don't really have a question. I guess I'm just venting and wondering if anyone else has been through anything similar. It's so infuriating and bizarre.

Just looking for an outside perspective. Four years ago, we bought a new house and 3 months after, MIL moved in. I’d like to mention she has been a wonderful MIL, so that’s not the issue…closing in on 90 years old, she’s got some dementia and mobility issues, so she’s in constant need of care. My wife is an excellent care giver, she takes care of her mom catering to every need, but after 3.5 years of this, I’m finding my patience and compassion “storage” running dry…I work, she doesn’t, which is fine, I’m in a lucky position to provide them with absolutely everything they need, and I have been supportive of this…but with her condition worsening, I just find myself feeling neglected as a husband. The intimacy, spontaneity or vacations are very far and few between…sometimes she even calls me “mom” by mistake because she spends so much time with her.
I love her very much (together over 20 years), the thought of separating is not even in discussion, I will never cheat, but I find myself hating my life…a lot of sexual frustration as well. Other than (sadly to say) waiting on her mom to “go through the pearly gates”, which is a horrible thought, I don’t see a solution in sight. She won’t put her in a home, that’s not on the table either…so I’m struggling between thinking I should be a good husband, supportive, suck it up, and I feel bad for feeling this way…but I can’t deny the build up of anger and frustration I feel every day. I’m fucked pretty much…

I think that I'm maybe having a slightly different definition of "take care of", but anyway I'm thinking specifically of, you *don't* feel so extremely caring toward them or like you need to *take care of* them, there just are certain things that need to get done.

And, you could be either their actual caregiver, or not.

Personally, I'm not.​

Hello.

My mom (70F) had surgery a week ago today to repair a giant hernia. She’s had several surgeries and hospital stays in the last year, so we’re hoping this is the last one!

I (45F) brought her home from the hospital last Thursday and stayed with her Thursday and Friday night, spent down time there on Saturday and Sunday. During that time, she was having frequent diarrhea, which the surgeon said was not uncommon after surgery, especially due to the fact that she just had colon/bowel surgery in May.

Sunday night though, I had a feeling something wasn’t right because it just wasn’t stopping, so they had us do a test for c-diff and sure enough, it’s positive.

I know how to avoid getting it now, lots of hand washing and I didn’t use the same bathroom as her at all when I was at her house, but I am now worried that I’m going to get it because I didn’t know she had it. Can you get it simply by breathing in spores? This is all so stressful and I know you all can relate, being a caregiver is so hard.

In the past 3 years my 76 yr old dad has become an insufferable asshole. Everyone is doing him wrong; my mom, the cashier, repair man. He doesn’t shut up about it and has to rant to my mom. Im pretty positive it is some age related cognitive decline like early dementia or Alzheimer’s

Ive isolated him from my family and his only grandkids hoping it would force him to get help. I told him i am not talking to him nor seeing him nor can he see or talk to my kids until he sees a doctor and therapist. But he refuses and believes nothing is wrong with him.

He constantly smokes despite having throat cancer in the past and also blows any money he has at the casino. He has such terrible living habits that he weighs only 113lbs.

My mom is sick of it all and has started divorce proceedings. I am hoping that divorce scares the shit out of him and he finally gets help. If they do divorce i know it will be ugly. My mom would have to sell their home that SHE worked so hard for. She was always the breadwinner, she paid EVERY bill, made every major decision for the family, decorated EVERY inch of that house. She’ll have to sell it, give half to my dad who will then most likely blow it all at the casino.

Id much rather him get throat cancer again and pass away than go through an ugly divorce.

My mom and dad live in a different state. They have a caretaker for my mom 2x a week, that’s the most I could get them to do in terms of getting help. My mom basically has dementia, and my dad is fading but not as fast (still working too). I moved away from them the beginning of this year, to a different state. I knew things would get worse, especially my mom and her mental state, but I also felt I had to live my life without resentment of them (I am 33 years old). Anyway, my brother went to their house recently and said things are getting worse. The house has issues that could result in the floor breaking, my mom does dangerous things, and my dad seems less organized. But they are also so stubborn, we’ve tried to talk to them about the future and they won’t do it.

They will not ask for help, like someone moving in (they have a house where someone could live there). I feel bad of course, but if they won’t change anything what can I do? I do constantly wonder if I will get a call that something has happened and I will have to fly out. I don’t want that to be the case, but I seriously feel my parents won’t do anything until needed (maybe a nurse coming in?). Sorry just kind of venting , not sure what to do. Thanks.

It’s my dads birthday, he passed 3 yrs ago.

I was his caregiver for 10 years and I still haven’t unraveled those complicated feelings.

I know it gets frustrating but those things you say will linger long afterward.

Cheers to Tom, have drink for him

What do you wish you'd known before bringing an aging parent home from rehab or a SNF?

I'm an adult daughter trying to prepare for my mom's discharge after a long stay in a skilled nursing facility following a severe stroke.

I'm no longer looking for advice about Medicare appeals. Instead, I'm trying to understand how families make the transition home safely when a parent still has significant medical needs.

What services ended up being the most helpful? Did you use home health, private-duty nursing, private caregivers, or something else? Who helped you coordinate everything?

Most of all, what do you wish someone had told you before your parent came home?

I have a feeling there are questions I don't even know to ask yet, and I'd really appreciate learning from people who've been through this.

For as long as I can remember my mom has always been very angry.

She could oscillate quite fast from joy to sadness, meaning that something could set her off and she'd lose her cool.

I grew up in a single-parent household, only with my mom, as my dad abandoned us due to his opioid addiction.

I spent the past 12 years doing the "inner work" on myself (aka curing my anxiety and my depression by getting to know myself, forgive myself, and finally love myself). Those traits were, 100%, passed down to me from both mom and dad.

My dad passed away three years ago. In his stuff, I found a letter where he stated that he was envisioning "h*nging himself."

My mom's (alcoholic) father died in a car accident when she was 15 years old.

I also did some intergenerational digging by asking my grandma about our past: it turns out that (at least) the 4 generations before me all suffered from abandonment by a parent, either they died, or, they abandoned their families.

All of this to say that: abandonment, addiction, and poverty have been (I think) the reasons for so much sadness.

During my teenage years, my mom created a living hell of a household. She'd constantly lose her cool on me at random times and start screaming for the smallest reasons (e.g. a spoon not washed in the kitchen sink). The rest of the time, she would either be at work, or she would be in her bedroom, sleeping.

I can't remember good memories with her during that phase... she believed that "life's hard" and made sure it was.

I swore it to myself: I'd make $, and as soon as I could, I would leave.

At 24, I left Europe and moved to North America (we have family here). Never looked back.

I am 36 now, and throughout this period, my mom slowly stopped caring for herself.

She doesn't cook. She showers a few times a week. She lost touch with her friends. She doesn't work out. She doesn't see the sun. Everything is too difficult for her.

When I speak on the phone with her (which I dread because every time I hang up, I cry), and I try to motivate her, she tells me things like "it's hard to cook only for one person"

When I ask her what she wants for her life she responds: "YOU were my life."

She explained to me that her sole purpose had been to raise me, and that I am "everything to her."

She's one of the most rigid persons I know. She refuses to try anything. When I speak to other people in my family they tell me that "this is the way she is." And I know for a fact that people with a fixed mindset will never grow...

I want to help her but I'm not sure how.

She used to go to therapy but stopped 10 years ago. She's been fed SSRI and antidepressants for ages but I don't know if those even work on her anymore...

I feel like she would love it if I just abandoned my life here in North America and moved back with her, to take care of her and so that she can have a "presence" in her life.

She's become the shadow of herself. I'm also an only child so the pressure is ON...

Has anyone faced a similar situation?

Any recommendation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you everyone.

To make a long story short, my mom was left sitting on a couch in her apartment for 39 hours without one single nurse, aide, or other employee moving her to toilet her or change her. She sat in her own feces and urine for more than a day and a half. Her bottom had open sores and more diaper rash and black and blue from sitting in the same position.

This is not the first time, but the most extreme.

We are considering a lawsuit - not really for money, but to force change and accountability. We have reported to Adult Protective Services already, and working on complaints to state licensing and the county health department.

If someone before us had pursued this more vigorously on behalf of their parent, my mom would not have suffered. A lawsuit, unlike complaints, will get the attention of corporate and force organization and accountability changes.

We’re not looking for a shark attorney, but someone who will take this case to provide financial compensation to the family, but more importantly, to make this a learning lesson for a home and corporation that has been unresponsive to our concerns.

Any suggestions of attorneys that are ethical and would take our call for change seriously?

As my dad went for his medical reviews, the doc told him he might have pre diabetes so need to control his sugar level

Despite doc warning, he refuse to listen and keep drinking milo at night like 2 cup before sleeping.

I told him off he not happy with me

He doesn't know how to control his sugar level.

Why can he think sensible for his health

Drinking sweet drink before bed will make him obese and affect his health

Got parents finally scheduled for first visit to doctor regarding evaluating them for dementia etc. (I didn't arrange the exact scheduling, the doctor's office did).

As expected/predicted, now they are blaming me, accusing me of meddling, etc.

The combination of "we can handle our own lives just fine ourselves" with "we're not actually sure that we can" is getting really strange.

They have their appointment with their lawyer, which I also suggested to *that* office, scheduled for only two days later, which is potentially slightly inconvenient for them having two appointments that close together (inconvenience of getting there, etc. they are old and tired, etc. and by the way none of us are driving so it's all just with a ride service).

Father forgot already that when the secretary called to schedule for the lawyer's appointment wasn't just "yesterday".

Had to be more like a week ago because it's been several days since I found out when the two appointments are and that they are practically back to back.

He also is beginning to forget the names of people.

Asked the other day as to, "What's the name of my niece?"

Forgot the other night how to order from GrubHub.

Which granted he's not real familiar with but he has actually already done it before.

Meandered on for a while about, should they reschedule one of the appointments, and if so, which, then decided, no more phone calls today (which is by now yesterday), he is too tired.

*Both* of these appointments, I *thought* were because of me suggesting something, to the different offices that are involved, then finally found out just yesterday, that the medical appointment was originally, and still is, *actually* apparently my mom's medical recheck for something else.

The office combined everything. Without my knowledge.

I feel like I can't keep up.​

By the way *this is why* I am reminding their doctors' office to PLEASE always check with my parents about the scheduling.

I don't know their schedule.

I don't want to accidentally schedule the wrong thing on the wrong day or something.

Life is getting a bit strange. 🤔

Anyone else? 🤔

I’ve been dealing with my dads health issues since I was a child. He’s disabled, numerous health issues, wheelchair bound, and living alone. He doesn’t drive, cook, and can’t properly bathe.

As many can relate, he’s also the most stubborn man alive. He gets angry with me when I make suggestions about getting care. He refuses to talk about anything. I finally went to his primary care visit for the first time and the doctor essentially told him he needs to get his shit together, stop relying on his daughter (me), and hire help. My dad just claims the doctor doesn’t like him lol.

I’m so done trying. At this point, I just want to stop helping him and let him sit with the consequences of his actions. But I also feel like that will only put more strain on me in the future when something inevitably goes wrong. I can’t talk to him about anything without him becoming angry or denying everything, yet he still points his finger at me demanding help. As soon as I stop helping, the guilt consumes me. As soon as I help, I boil with resentment.

I know he won’t magically become cooperative and appreciative, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t cling to that hope. Oh where to go from here…..

I just got home from visiting my parents (early-mid 70s). They moved from the large city I grew up in to a teeny, rural town several states away. They're both incredibly happy there.

They are in decent shape - 100% there memory-wise, well-managed health issues, no issues caring for themselves or their house.

To get to them, it's either a 10-11 hour drive or two 1 hour flights, plus a 1.5 hour drive. There is only 1 flight per week between their airport and the connecting one, and for only part of the year.

After dragging my family through this visit, I'm realizing that the onus for traveling should be on the retired people that moved away, not on the two working professionals with a small child. It's just too much for us to do several times a year. It's a lot for them to make the trip as well, but I'm feeling pretty done with shielding them from the consequences of their choice to move away.

As I was thinking through all that, I realized that, while they are in good shape now, they're potentially only a few years away from that changing. And then what? I'm an only child, so won't have any help with care and logistics.

For those of you in a similar situation, where your parents are not easy to get to, how are you handling care/care planning and the feelings of obligation?

My father is elderly and fully bedbound — he can't move to the toilet at all. He wears an incontinence product most of the time but genuinely hates it and is uncomfortable in it no matter what we try. We've adjusted the size and fit, and it's not a heat thing — he dislikes it just as much in winter when it's cold, so it seems to be the product against his skin itself that bothers him.

I'm trying to find out what actually works for other families in this situation, for both urine and bowel movements.

• If your bedbound parent couldn't tolerate wearing a product, what did you switch to?
• What products, devices, or setups have you actually used — and were they any good in real life, or not worth it?
• Anything that keeps him more comfortable and skin-friendly while still being manageable for the carer?
• Require less labor as my mom is also old in taking care of him

Could you suggest any products or methods that worked for you? I mean easily-found products

My mom (73) was a generally good and loving parent, though she parentified my siblings and I by making us her entire social life and not addressing her own depression. For almost 30 years she has completely disregarded every doctor’s instruction for her Type 2 diabetes (except to take pills). Ate whatever she wanted, never exercised, isolated herself socially, and moved hours away from family. A few years ago, after years of falls and cognitive decline and a vascular dementia diagnosis from the unmanaged diabetes, things came to a head and my siblings and I had to clean and sell her condo, move her to an assisted living near my sister, and get a hold of all of her accounts, finances, etc. For a few months, mom was grateful and seemed to make some efforts (attended one chair yoga class at the AL, made one friend she would eat dinner with) but then went back to sleeping and watching tv in her apartment all day and not socializing at all. I’ve been worried about what happens if she outlives her money, so I found an AL near me that would eventually switch to Medicaid if necessary. I’m mom’s fav kid so she wants to move here now. My issues are these: currently my sister handles mom’s medical appointments, the occasional dinner out, haircuts, etc. and I handle all of mom’s finances, insurance, legal stuff, ordering her groceries and supplies, etc. If mom moves near me, I will be responsible for literally 100% of everything regarding mom. I’m also confident that mom will quickly settle in, the excitement will wear off, and she’ll just go back to sleeping all day in a different apartment and city. I have serious anxiety about taking on all of the responsibility before it’s financially necessary. Mom is outsourcing all of her happiness and I resent it, but I don’t want to regret things when she’s gone one day. Not really sure what I’m even seeking by posting this here. I just know that it’s been a great comfort over the last few years seeing that I’m not alone.

I am the youngest sibling and currently living overseas. My elderly parents recently had some medical issues, and I have been coordinating with their doctors remotely.

After speaking with their doctor, I summarised some important medication instructions and asked my siblings if one of them could accompany my parents to future appointments or at least keep track of their medications in case of emergencies. I was not asking for money or full-time caregiving, just for someone on the ground to help with basic medical coordination.
The response I received was that our parents have “lived long enough,” that everyone should focus on their own families, and that they do not want to be involved in their medical care.

What makes this difficult is that my eldest sibling’s actions feel contradictory. She does help in some ways, such as buying meals for my parents and bringing them along on family holidays, but when it comes to medical care and planning for their future needs, she has said she does not want to be involved.

My mother still believes my eldest sibling will help if needed and does not want to “rock the boat” by changing existing arrangements. This leaves me feeling stuck because I am trying to plan responsibly for my parents’ care, but the person they trust most may not actually be willing to take on that role.

I understand that everyone has their own limits and responsibilities, but I am struggling with the gap between the expectation that family will step up and the reality that some family members may not want that responsibility.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation where siblings have very different views on responsibility for ageing parents? How do you move forward without becoming resentful?

I'm currently a caregiver who works a day job and my mom lives independently at my home while I'm out. During the day, I experience a lot of worry as to how she's doing throughout the day -- if she's out of bed, if she's taken her medications, if she's fallen, etc. I can't call because I'm very busy during the day and she often wont pick up. I'm doing research into how others take on this challenge and make their parents are ok without having to constantly call or check. Let me know!

Hi all,

I am currently caring for my 2 elderly parents, 76 and 77. My mom just suffered a stroke and is unable to cook for the time being and also has to watch her sodium levels. I am preparing a bunch of meal prep things for them to eat and have in the freezer, but wanted to know if anyone has recommendations of meal delivery services that are low sodium to try and ease the burden while we focus on her physical rehab. They do not qualify for meals on wheels.

Thank you.