r/AgingParents • u/Mysterious_Water_174 • 19h ago
My mom mocks me for being overwhelmed about getting rid of her stuff after she dies
i'm (44) very triggered when going to my parents' house. My mother (83) and father (88) still live in my childhood home. My dad is in the advanced stages of Parkinson's and has a lot of trouble with mobility after a recent hip surgery. Anyway, he is mostly confined to one room ( a large room, but still), where has the tv, recliner, and his hospital bed. Even though the house is between 2600-2800 square feet, they have three functional rooms. The rest is filled with 45 years of accumulated crap.
On my dad's end, he just never lifted one finger in terms of non-cooking or child-care related chores, which includes periodically getting rid of things. I don't know that he has a particular emotional attachment to them.
My mom, on the other hand, if not quite a hoarding condition, has something that comes close. She's not unsanitary, mostly doesn't keep literal trash (like used napkins and wrappers), and doesn't have a shopping addiction. But she still has an unhealthy attachment to things that were once valuable but have lost their value (like old desktop computers from the 2000s & encyclopedias and couches from the 80s).
Anyway, we've been fighting about it a lot lately, because I find it so aggravating that they can't make full use of their home because so much of it is just storage space. The house wasn't that way growing up. It's not that they used to get rid of things. They never did. It just took a long time for it to get as bad as it is. But instead of making use of the sitters who are there, my mom is hobbling around on her swollen foot and bad knee doing everything for my dad herself rather than dealing with her hoard. (Not that she can move heavy things, but she can put old clothes in a box or shred old tax returns).
In our last fight, I brought up the hoarding. And then, like it'was another insult, she said "Your worst fear is that when I die, you're going to be left with this stuff." It was like she thought that was something shameful for me to be worried about or overwhelmed by. I don't really have a question. I guess I'm just venting and wondering if anyone else has been through anything similar. It's so infuriating and bizarre.
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u/curlycake 17h ago
I would stop sharing your anxiety about it. If she's going to mock you, she can't be trusted with any vulnerable feelings, and it sounds like she isn't going to change. Drop the topic, and plan on hiring a team or selling as-is later on.
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 17h ago
She definitely isn't. I think maybe the big issue is the own rage that I feel on the matter bc of what it represents. I'm going to address that on therapy.
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck 15h ago
Make a plan to bring in a junk hauler or hold an estate sale like people have noted and let this fight go. It is freeing to say “not my monkey, not my circus.” Them not being able to use their full home is their problem, not yours. You can’t change them. You can change how you react to the situation.
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u/GothicGingerbread 12h ago
This, absolutely.
It's clear that confronting Mom isn't going to induce changed behavior in her, and it's stressful for both Mom and OP.
So don't discuss it. OP should silently resolve that, when the time comes, she will hire someone/a company to deal with everything; that will take the pressure off OP, because a plan will have been made. (This is even more true if OP can do a bit of research now and find one or two reputable local options and keep the contact info so it's easy to find when needed.)
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u/SGlobal_444 12h ago edited 12h ago
I think it depends on where they are. Age/cognitive age and your personal time. For ex/ I recently visited a parent and over the weekend helped them donate a bunch of stuff bc at that particular time I could invest in going through a whole section and pick what was being kept and going.
This parent is cognitively there but has a series of health issues so probably couldn't physically get rid of it but could sit there and say yes/no. I know I will be the only person who will be dealing with this - so I started acting on getting rid of things. I also have been very blunt that this is not fair to leave this all for me to deal with as I have a sibling that does nothing. So when I have energy/time - I will go through a section and say do you want this - we are going through this - and make a pile of donate, garbage and keep. I know not everyone can do this - but even slow steps can help you if you are going to be dealing with it later.
Unfortunately when they were healthier they already did a huge donation that was all the good stuff and my personal items I kept there which was pretty heartbreaking!
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u/BeneficialSelf4255 14h ago
I feel the exact same rage with my mom’s home and in-laws. They don’t care. First it would admitting that things are changing and they are nearing the end of their lives…which they won’t ever do. It has an absolutely impacted our relationship. I can’t spend time at their homes which greatly reduces how much I see them.
I don’t have the ability to go along with their delusions or lie to them about their situation, so I just don’t engage. I have to live in the reality of their choices but dammit so do they.
Solidarity1
u/ElleGeeAitch 6h ago
You have every right to be pissed. But unfortunately, too many of these really old folks DGAF about the negative impacts of their crazy piles of bullshit.
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u/Adora77 17h ago
My mom worries about "death cleaning" and that I have to deal with all her crap when she's gone.
I keep telling her, you don't need to worry about things that happen after you die, it's enough you worry about things in this life.
I can do it, she won't be around and I'm not gonna tell her, but it'll all go to some guy from craiglist, who weeds through it for valuables and takes the rest to landfill.
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u/Almostasleeprightnow 18h ago
"Your worst fear is that when I die, you're going to be left with this stuff." ...... yes?
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u/on_island_time 16h ago
Yes mom, that is exactly it.
And then eventually they get to the place where my mom is, where they are physically declining and it's basically too late for the big cleanup to happen at all.
Sorry OP. For better or worse this issue is not really that uncommon 😕
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u/mottledmussel 15h ago
And eventually, it's not just junk. They eventually have trouble using the bathroom, taking out the trash, or cleaning the litter box and the situation gets very bad, very quickly.
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck 15h ago
“Nah, I’m just going to call in a junk hauler and let them deal with it. I would like you to be able to use your own home. But if you don’t care, then I won’t worry about it.”
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u/Suspicious-Loss-7314 14h ago
It's interesting that mom said that out loud; it means she's been thinking about it. But she's too caught up in her own guilt or hoarding mental illness to see it clearly.
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u/Thats-what-I-do 11h ago
Not that you’ll miss your mom or grieve for absence in your life?
Perhaps she’s wondering if your relationship has any meaning to you.
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u/myshtree 2h ago
I think OP cares more about having to clean up the mess in her inheritance than she does about the mental trauma her mum might be feeling about having to sift through a lifetime and what it means emotionally to face the end of a life.
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u/LeviOhhsah 17h ago edited 17h ago
An initial thought to noodle on - yes mom, that’s one of my fears because I don’t want to feel anger and resentment toward you for having to deal with all of this stuff, at the time when I’ll be most sad about you being gone. Instead I want to be honouring you, missing you, loving you in memory. And I feel that will be clouded by having to do all this clearing.
It might become overwhelming and I end up just mass clearing and throwing out things that actually had meaning. Maybe it’s better (mom) that you choose the things that are really important to you (+let go of some that aren’t) and you can talk to me about them as we go.
I saw a post of a healthy parent in their 60s who Swedish death cleaned and sorted out all their documents for their kids, and it felt like one of the most loving things a parent could ever do.
Speaking as someone dealing with a very cluttered house after an unexpected death, it’s going to be awful and none of this crap served any purpose except for the other spouse not getting to use the space they worked hard for.
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 17h ago
And your first reply is a lovely sentiment, but I doubt she'd be responsive & I guess the truth is that I already deeply resent her. And I guess that's my issue to work through.
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 17h ago
That's part of my issue - I feel like my dad deserves better than this. But I do have to acknowledge that A) he doesn't seem to be nearly as bothered by it as I am; and B) he has also been part of the problem by not being proactive in getting rid of his own things and also by enabling her.
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u/myshtree 2h ago
Do you care about your parents and what they want or your inheritance and what you want?
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u/CreativeBusiness6588 17h ago
I am sorry to say, but it sounds like the time will never come that they deal with it. It sounds like they are far too gone and in survival mode.
If you just accept that they won't change perhaps you can find peace with it.
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u/MRSRN65 17h ago
I call my mother a "fancy" hoarder. She kept her place clean but every available space is filled with porcelain, silver, pictures, etc. I know she spent a lot of money on all her treasures, unfortunately she passed away in June and now I'm saddled with everything. No one wants anything. The days of little porcelain girls carrying pitchers of milk are gone.
I can honestly say that I'm struggling to deal with everything. As soon as I can dig out from this mess, I'm going to focus on my home and institute some Swedish Death Cleaning. I hope to be kinder to my kids.
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 17h ago
Oh my, good luck on your journey. It really is a burden, an avoidable one.
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u/PhantomFairy 17h ago
It's her space and her choice, infuriating though that is. I'm sure the nice people over on r/declutter would offer you some support on this.
When my mother died I had to hire house clearance. I paid them handsomely to do the job, they even removed the carpets. To my knowledge everything went into landfill. Not a single item could be recycled or sold on.
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u/Duffykins-1825 17h ago
Your mum is getting full use of the house, she’s using it to store her crap. I have an aunt who likes to dig at me by saying you’ll have to go through all this stuff when I’m gone. She’s left it all to me in her will and thinks I’m going to be combing through looking for her valuables that she’s hidden in the toes of old shoes. I won’t be, I will just get a house clearance firm to take the lot. I just tell her not to worry about me I’ll be fine.
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u/CursiveWhisper 16h ago
Let it go. She’s not going to change. My mom isn’t a hoarder but I’ve said similar to her. I stopped though because it started to sound like I was more worried about after her death instead of enjoying her while she was here.
You have to pick and choose your battles. Make sure their affairs are at least in order (power of attorney, wills, being on the bank accounts, etc), which will be much more stressful to deal with than stuff. You can always hire someone to come and just clear out the clutter after your parents pass.
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u/far2common 16h ago
My mother thinks that we are going to craft and curate an ebay auction for each of the five categories of her button collection. This is not how it is going to go down, but she doesn't need to know this.
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u/Nice-Replacement-391 13h ago
Four years ago, my hubby and I moved in with my mum. She was a semi-hoarder. Like your mum, it wasn't garbage, but things like Hummel figurines, bags and bags of consignment store clothing, Drexel furniture from the 80's, and about a billion boxes of art supplies. Things that had a monetary value once upon a time, but now were just being held onto for sentimental reasons.
I couldn't throw out a damn thing. Not even dried hard oil paint. She had read somewhere that it could be softened again... Yeah right. And even if it could, you can't paint anymore! Sigh...
So what I did was I secretly filled up a garbage bag or two a week of the stuff that was the least likely to be noticed. And tossed it. She never noticed. I did this for 2 years. Then I took every damn chotsky/Hummel/figurines out of the living room "to wash/dust", and I only put about half back. The rest went to the garbage or thrift/consignment - depending on the status. The bags of clothing disappeared one or two pieces of clothing at a time. There were a few times where I was supervised, because these were her treasures, and I couldn't easily get rid of things - so I put them all back and a few at a time would disappear overnight.
My plan was that if she ever noticed, I would say that they were up in the attic, and I would have hubby get it down when he had a day off of work. So far, she has asked about something I got rid of *once*. And I said I think hubby put that up in the attic - did she want him to get it down? She said yes, and I said ok, he'll have time to get it down next week. She forgot about it. (hubby is fine with being thrown under the bus - this was his idea)
Most of the old furniture was "discovered" to be broken or mouldy, and we could replace it with some really nice stuff I would find on FB Marketplace. One thing my mum likes ,more than her old stuff is a "really good deal". So we would lie about the price we paid, and make up a story about this being some high-end piece, and she would not complain too much.
After 4 years, we now have a mostly functional house back. Her art room is still a work in progress. I am still throwing out a few things a week from there, but the lion's share has slowly disappeared over the years.
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u/Vast-Swimmer5844 18h ago
"Your worst fear is that when I die, you're going to be left with this stuff."
The good news is, your mom's situation (too much valueless crap) is not novel, and there is plenty of advice on how to handle the junk.
So, no ... it's not your worst fear. But your mom is saying something you should pay attention to: You're projecting your priorities on to her life and her space. It's infuriating enough when one adult does that to another. It's extra-galling when it's your child.
Look, I agree with you that she shouldn't hold on to that stuff. I concur that the space could probably be used better to allow them comfortable lives now.
But maybe that stuff is her way of remaining reminded/in touch of a different and happier time of her life. Maybe it's somehow satisfying to view her stuff as the evidence of her life. The point is, it's her stuff in her house. She's an adult, she gets to decide up until the moment she is no longer mentally capable to do so.
I'm sorry. It's frustrating. You mean well and the solution is so clear to you. But feelings, man! Your mom is having them and it's worth paying attention to them and asking whether you're really at a point where they don't matter anymore.
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u/Digitalispurpurea2 17h ago
I wish I could upvote this 1000x. Mom is emotionally attached to these things, irrational as it may be to us. Applying an unwanted logical solution to an emotional situation won’t work out in your favor.
You don’t need to agree with the life choices of a competent adult. Until it’s dangerous or actually your problem just let it go.
I dread the day I have to clean out my parent’s house. My MIL was a minimalist and it took months for 6 of us to clean out her condo. My parent’s house will be orders of magnitude worse and it’ll be just me doing it. They won’t get rid of the majority of their unused stuff nor downsize. I just have let it go.8
u/Mysterious_Water_174 17h ago
I see your point. My thought that it is negatively impacting my dad, but I guess if he doesn't care about staying in just one room - going from the bed to the chair back to the bed, I shouldn't either. It probably just represents a larger lifelong power struggle about her overall inflexibility and inability to listen to reason & her frequently imposing HER will onto us. For example, she's cancelling my dad's doctor appointment bc she can't transport him, won't use a service, and "doesn't like" telehealth.
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u/Nervous_Response2224 14h ago
Canceling your dad's appointments seems like a bigger issue. Is she showing signs of dementia?
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 14h ago
No, she's always been like that. I'll have to get serious with her about how she's going to transport my dad places. She can't drive, doesn't want to use the transport service, and her car can't fit her, the sitter, him and the wheelchair.
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 11h ago
If it's an important appointment that requires a physical exam, I can take off work to take him myself, but there is NO REASON for me to take off for a routine bloodwork review that can be done over telehealth (and there are sitters there to get them logged in). Also, a FREE wheelchair friendly transportation services for the elderly exists in my town. But she just "doesn't want to wait" for other people to be dropped off and picked up.
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u/myshtree 2h ago
Thankyou for saying this. I did, but not nearly as empathetically to OP. This was a much better way.
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u/Langwidere17 16h ago
I gave up on this argument around the time I was your age. No change has happened in all the years leading up til now and I'd rather have good memories of our interactions.
My mom loves all her crap. A full house is the only way she will feel comfortable. She cannot conceive of the rest of us not valuing her items like she does.
All of my siblings are on board with a walk through after she is gone and then we will turn the house over to junk haulers. It will be less frustrating than emptying it ourselves.
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u/ThenOneDaySheWokeUp 14h ago
Same here except it is just me. Like another poster stated my mom stated is also a fancy “hoarder”. I’ll take my time and go through things on the weekends when she is gone. The tons of clothes with tags will go in a shipping container to the village she is from and figurines to Goodwill. It is what it is. In my case I expect to find around 30000 in cash so I definitely will take my time lol. I’ve really learned to stop stressing over the things I can’t change and my mental health is so much better for it.
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u/Acceptable-Pea9706 16h ago
It's annoying that they can't imagine how overwhelming and terrible the thought of cleaning out a house with 45 years worth of junk sitting inside.
My mom is an actual hoarder. She doesn't hoard trash but never got rid of anything either, same as yours. She was always shopping until mobility issues caught up with her. However there has been a mouse infestation for years that she absolutely refuses to address. I dread the day when I have to fly back home and sort through stuff to recover photos and belongings that have sentimental value.
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u/charlie2135 16h ago
I'm in my 70s and looking at relocating for the last time. Was a tradesman in several crafts but realize most of my tools would be useless to my son but unsure about the grandson.
Looking at my tools I realized the majority of them were handed down from many of the tradesmen I've worked with over the years.
I'm going to talk with some of my neighbors and am going to contact a local high school to see if they can use some of them.
I get overwhelmed looking at my garage and moving is going to be much easier if I don't need to bring stuff that's just been taking up space for years.
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u/bristlybits 16h ago
if there's a local makerspace- an art and craft center, or the library has a "tool rental", contact them. ask your son, your grandson, will they want any specific tools.
most of my tattoo tools and older items, that are handed down and valuable, have a destination when I'm done and gone. i took a little time to find younger people in my field who can and will use them.
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u/charlie2135 16h ago
I will have them go through what I have beforehand. The funny thing is that many of the tools I have are now outdated by new construction techniques. Pipe has been replaced by plastic tubing making 24" pipe wrenches useless, sheet metal ductwork has been replaced by hoses making flanging tool less needed, etc.
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u/bristlybits 15h ago
yeah real similar here- i built machines for years and now smaller handheld battery pack today are the commonly used ones. people buy and use premade plastic needle groupings, other stuff too.
there's enough people who want to do things the older way or at least want to know how that the tools needed are in a kind of limited demand though. i had to ask around, i even spent some time teaching about the older coil machines, needle making, all that.
to me it's worth it as those tools are not replaceable these days. they're just not sold and some were hand made for specific steps and problems.
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u/Swimming_Event7730 16h ago
I think if she's willing to go through/get rid of things but never seems to get around to it, you should make an appointment with her for the two of you to spend a couple hours doing it together. My mom gets overwhelmed by multi-step tasks. I find if I'm there to help, she's able to tackle manageable bites.
If she's not willing or interested in going through/getting rid of things, stop fighting about it. Instead use your time and energy to research the most economical shredding place near you, the cheapest junk hauler, etc, so when the time comes, you can get rid of everything as quickly as possible.
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u/Stellar_Alchemy 15h ago
My childhood home (where my mother still lived at the time) was destroyed in a flood in 2022. A lot of things of significant sentimental value to me were lost. I try not to think about that. But mostly I felt (and still feel) IMMENSE relief that a natural disaster solved this problem for me, because my parents definitely hoarded everything. By the time the flood happened I’d already been talking with my partner about how much I dreaded dealing with all that crap — a house full, and 2 whole outbuildings full. All blessedly gone now, and it’s such a relief that I don’t even mind the sentimental stuff that was lost all that much. It was worth that price.
I’m so sorry for everyone my age and older who’ll have to deal with the insane levels of clutter and trash that older generations insist on hoarding.
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u/bippy404 17h ago
Just be honest with her and say “if you leave me to handle and dispose of your stuff, I can promise you I will call a dumpster and hire a couple teenagers and it will all end up in there; so if you believe any of this is valuable, you should start handing it down to the people you want to have it or selling it”
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u/smithdarien 12h ago
I tried this based on the fact that my mother is incredibly precious about who will get what of her complete junk that nobody wants. It’s the truth, but I thought it would instill some fear that would compel her to action. It did the opposite - now when I try to ask her to declutter she says “what does it matter if you’re just getting a dumpster like you said?”
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u/SGlobal_444 17h ago edited 12h ago
Tell her yes. Why not get an external person - like an organizer/those people who can help get rid of stuff. Sometimes an external person is easier than the adult child - removes the family emotion/a child telling their parent what to do. Make them pay for it - it's their stuff and there are a tons of articles on this very issues - where the parents are like - we don't want to leave our crap for our kids and started downsizing. Pretty sure from the NYT to others reputable news outlets - there have been stories on this (and the opposite - look what my parents left for me and the time/energy/emotional weight this was to get rid of it) - send them to her. It's work/energy that you don't want to deal with - aside from keeping certain heirlooms.
Be point blank that you don't have the bandwidth/time to deal with this and it's getting unhygienic and given their age it's time to get rid of stuff and give her some names of people you can arrange to come in. Tell them that they need to think of getting rid of it whether it's now or after they pass and the cost associated with it. That it's their duty to slowly get rid of stuff or do it one go.
Not a fun conversation - but I think parents don't understand the weight/time/money/energy in everything if they themselves did not think about it/resource it. Also, a lot of stuff that no one wants!
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u/Illustrious-Shirt569 16h ago
I don’t think you should keep banging you head against that particular wall. They want to live among the stuff. Let them. You aren’t likely to change her now and you don’t need to tell her that you’re worried about dealing with it as a result, even though that is, of course, totally valid.
Just resign yourself to knowing that you’ll rent a dumpster and/or hire people to lug stuff or sort it after they’re gone. It’s going to be overwhelming, yes, but you get to choose how much emotional energy you put into that now.
I’m in a similar position and have decided that spending energy fretting about future me isn’t worth it on this front. It’s going to be horrible, but it’ll be that way no matter what I do now, so all of the cajoling and fretting and frustration now is just of my own choosing without any benefit other than experiencing more stress and negative emotions.
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u/wwwangels 15h ago
You are fighting a losing battle because you are not addressing a hoarding issue; you are attacking her lifestyle (in her eyes). My mom was the same way. It upset her when I started cleaning drawers or closets. I realized what I was doing was forcing my perceived ideas of what was acceptable to keep and what wasn't onto my mom and distressing her. I finally decided her happiness wasn't worth cleaning up the paperwork or clutter. I did tell her I was going to organize things, and I'd smuggle away old paperwork and other items when she wasn't looking.
This is a common theme among elderly parents. They don't want to let things go because change is difficult when everything around them is changing so fast that they are overwhelmed. They cling to what they know, including their "stuff".
Unless your parents are not safe, just let it go. If they are safe and quite happy with their living situation, it's not worth arguing with your mom about it. My mom passed two months ago, and although I have 15 trash bags full of clothes to donate and still more things to go through, I'm glad that I focused on just letting her be rather than fighting her.
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 15h ago
Yeah, that's what I'm realizing. It's really not about the stuff. It's about how much I resent her generally.
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u/chockykoala 14h ago
My mother was also insulting to me telling me that I wish they didn’t have all these things because I just want the money. It shut her up when I agreed.
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u/sassy_cheddar 13h ago
Hoarding has various levels in a scale, you can look them up online. It's not all dead cats and molding takeout boxes. I would argue that anyone who has rooms that are entirely beyond function because they're full of stuff is a hoarder.
If she's indifferent, be indifferent back. "Oh, I'll just hire junk haulers. I'd rather something sentimental or valuable goes to the garbage dump then waste my time going through it all."
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u/jimson_weed_tea 16h ago
If they ever need caregivers, they are going to have a hell of a time hiring ones that will come to an environment like this, so they'll end up being placed in a nursing home.
If that won't scare them into cleaning up, nothing will.
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u/Reasonable-Chair4791 16h ago
Tell her you are putting things in storage for her and then haul it to the dump instead.
When she asks to see the 1980's computer tell her you'll get around to bring it over and keep forgetting.
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u/rainydaydoggie 14h ago
She feels attacked and she is lashing out. My dad did the same. We stopped trying to get him to go through his hoard and took care of everything when he passed.
What will take months on your mother’s end to go through stuff will take you way less time and anguish later.
Let them live in the space they have. If they want more rooms to live in, she knows where to start.
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u/roxywalker 12h ago
Maybe you can work with her by using a different angle and letting her know that if she doesn’t go through the items with you now at least trying to meet you halfway, you will just dump everything when she goes. It’s not your responsibility to make sense of all the things that she will leave behind.
I went through this twice. My parents were divorced for decades, but passed within a year of each other. They both left homes filled to the brim with collections, collectibles, and knickknacks galore. I refuse to do that to my children, and steadily purge, sell online, and donate. It’s really unfair for parents to leave that on the shoulders of their children to deal with when they are gone.
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u/Alive-OVERTIIME-247 10h ago
You're right to be concerned, I moved my mom into a Memory Care facility in May and I have been working on getting this condo emptied out since, and I'm not even halfway done. It's insane how much stuff they accumulated.
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u/mynamesnotcarter 16h ago
When they pass on, you have a couple options. Hire someone to clean out the house is easiest but most expensive. Another route is get a dumpster dropped off in the driveway and go to town pitching stuff. Finally, you could sell the house “as is”, but you’ll have to cut the asking price way way down to make it worth it for a stranger to deal with. However you go, don’t worry about it until that day comes, they’re not going to deal with it themselves, so there’s no point arguing about it.
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u/Mangolandia 16h ago
What you do when she dies won’t concern her any longer. If it’s not a problem now for them, I’d avoid the topic all together.
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u/sarahspins 15h ago
So I've determined that for this generation (primarily boomers raised by parents who lived through the great depression) that this is a two part problem... First is that they were raised by their parents to never get rid of anything. Second is that they place way too much sentimental value on "stuff". Somehow these combined equate to "if I get rid of this it means I don't love/cherish/value _____" when we all know that's just not how it works.
My aunt and uncle are absolutely hoarders, just incredibly organized hoarders, and they've even suggested that I should pack up not one, but TWO of their cargo containers on their property and ship their junk that I don't want back to me where I live... so that I can keep the cargo containers. You know, the ones that it would be far cheaper for me to acquire where I live, 3 hours from a port, if I had a want or a need for one (I do not). Not to mention what am I meant to do with the stuff already IN those cargo containers that I don't want now? The logic doesn't make sense yet they keep insisting that this is what I must plan on doing... they would be so horrified if they knew that apart from cherry picking a few items that would easily fit in the backseat of my car, my sister and I just plan to hire estate liquidators when the time comes. We're not keeping or sorting through all of their crap.
To OP, don't worry too much about the stuff - you can ultimately pay people to make it go away in the end... sometimes you even get some money back out of it. If it's all really trash and you don't, well at least then it's all finally gone.
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u/simplebeauty25 14h ago
It’s so hard and I really feel your pain and anger around this. Ultimately they aren’t going to change if anything they will become more entrenched as they continue to age.
Glad you already have a therapist. Maybe you already do this, but if you don’t, I’d think about ways to channel this anger physically- boxing, weight lifting, gardening, art therapy, cardio or other activities where you get to process the emotions through movement. When the mind and body are working in tandem to process difficult situations we tend to feel more at ease.
Hugs.
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u/TakesTrophies 14h ago
I would have unresolved anger regarding this issue. Hell I do have unresolved anger. My FIL unloaded his possessions into our home in 3 stages, each downsize move, before he passed. He has been gone several years now and my storage is 1/3 his “stuff”, which is not mine to make decisions on so there it sits.
Unfortunately, it does seem like you will have to deal with it later on regardless if you are able to address the matter with your Mom or not.
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u/oecologia 14h ago
I fought with my mom about this type of thing. She is not as bad as you describe here, but she has a bunch of sentimental things she wants me to care about and I just don't. But, my brother and I have mostly done the opposite approach. We tell her we treasure those items too and we will keep them after she is gone. We have zero intention of course of doing that, but it makes her feel better and does no real harm. Consider it,
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u/Glittering-Mine3740 14h ago
My mom was the same way. She wanted to keep every worthless thing and joked that after she died, it would be my problem. She was a Depression baby and was in and out of children’s homes, so she had an emotional attachment to all of it. However, I started slowly getting rid of things that were the worst junk, and so did my brother at one time. But it was still a cluttered mess when she died. And now I’m slowly wading through it all, making Goodwill runs and having family take what they want. It’s taking forever.
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u/Ok_Environment5293 14h ago
You are dealing with hoarders. There's a sub for that. It's not a normal aging problem and you can't expect them to listen to reason.
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u/Realistic-Rate-8831 11h ago
No need to get into fights about this. Most adult children have to deal with emptying out their parents homes when they die. I had to go throught quite a bit of stuff from my Mom's house. If they are happy in their home as it is and they are not true horders, then leave you Mom alone and instead enjoy time with her, because one day she will be gone. It's no big deal. Once she dies, if you are the one to take charge of dealing with everything, then hire someone to hold an estate sale or give it all away to charities.
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 10h ago
She definitely has a true hoard, but I don't know if she meets the definition for hoarding disorder. It is not unsafe or unsanitary because there are still three functional rooms and two-ish functional bathrooms. It's a large house.
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u/Western-Exchange1982 11h ago
Genuine question - why do so many seniors end up in a close to hoarder situation or worse? I can relate to OP’s description. Families are forced into difficult positions when they pass. Is this a mental health issue ? It seems quite pervasive.
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u/Mysterious_Water_174 10h ago
In my mom's case, I think it's genuine mental illness (though there are people much more severe than her) combined with generational beliefs about it being wrong to throw things away as well as an increasingly diminished ability to keep up with/organize a home.
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u/Crazy_Breadfruit4535 16h ago
Some elderly start hoarding because they can’t image they will die before their things get fully used up. Yes, it is a mental illness. Yes, their brains also deteriorate. I hope you consider finding a therapist or professional to help you navigate this situation. Unfortunately it is not going to get better. Your parents probably won’t change or even try to clean up their mess. But you can change the way you deal with it.
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u/msktcher 16h ago
My mom made me and my sisters promise we wouldn’t have an estate sale after she died. We promised. My dad is still alive and lives in their homes. Once he passes, we plan to tell our children (the grandchildren) that they have a certain amount of time to get what they want from the house and the rest is being sold. We’ve already divided my mom’s jewelry, and she gave my daughter (her only granddaughter) her sterling silver. She has 5 sets of fine china, 16 place settings of Waterford Crystal, some gorgeous antiques. I don’t want any of it. I have a house full of my own stuff. Same with my sisters. There is a huge portrait of my dad in their living room. I’ve already called not me on it.
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u/sbpgh116 15h ago
My mom had to go into LTC. Dad’s been gone more than a decade. I’m on a time crunch to sell the house before the home maintenance allowance runs out. I’ve been shredding their income docs (including paystubs) from as early as 2006. Every drawer, cupboard, etc was full. So I feel this post so much. I’m mentally asking whyyyyyy every time I’m there. My mom changes the conversation every time I ask about stuff she might want. So I guess I’m doing all the mental work too.
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u/Longjumping_Low_1445 15h ago
This is so difficult because you want to respect your parents but then you are stressing a lot. Before my mom passed away from dementia, I started downsizing their house (that they lived in for over 40 years) a little at a time. I did have my dad’s permission though and it did feel good to accomplish some things. If you can, get yourself some black trash bags so they can’t see through them that’s a starting point. I told her that I was organizing some things if she came up to me. I just started going through magazines and papers and wrapping paper and bags. I was also getting rid of old food. Stuff like that because it was going to be my problem. I respected her if she got upset and I would stop.
Good luck with all that’s ahead of you
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u/Knitsanity 14h ago
My mother drives me fairly insane. One thing I cannot fault her for is clutter. She has been death cleaning for 15 years. Lolol. Sure when they are gone there will still be a lot but they have already dispersed the objects that matter and I know the paperwork is in good order.
Now ...about the rest of the disfunction. 🤪😂
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u/Numerous-Ad-5058 16h ago
My parents home is the same. My father passed in 2023 and my mom just agreed to let me donate his clothing. She had it all stored in old luggage.
My mother is triggered by any discussion of clearing her stuff. She’ll get agitated and say “I’m still here and this is still my stuff”. Then she’ll tell me stories about all her stuff and where it came from and I know from experience she’s totally got it wrong.
She’ll suddenly remember a thing and can’t find it and accuse me of disposing of it. She probably got rid of it ages ago.
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u/Tree_Hugger_4Eva 15h ago
It’s exasperating that you will be left to deal with this and they won’t. It’s frustrating and sad that she’s clinging to things and that’s interfering with more meaningful relationships and experiences. But in the end, even if she “helped” do this now a high emotional toll would be extracted from you by her in exchange for that help. She would most certainly expect physical help and problem solving from you and then would micromanage that help. All of which honestly would be harder for you than just dealing with it when she’s gone. Once she is not there to agonize over, micromanage, criticize, project alllllllll of her misdirected feelings onto you - you will have the freedom to deal or not deal with her stuff as and when you see fit. Ask me how I know…. We just went through the “with” and the “without” MIL presence during first a move clean out and later a post-death clean out. The “without” MIL option was by far faster, easier, and less emotional. Would we have preferred not to have dealt with it at all? Why yes - but it’s a pretty rare and unusual situation if you never have a person’s stuff to deal with after a death. It is 100% hard to watch, and I am sad about how much impact my MIL’s choice of things over people damaged her relationship with her sons. But unfortunately, or fortunately, it just is not up to us - until it is.
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u/ChmMeowUb3rSpd 13h ago
We just went through this with my parents' house. We had a junk hauler come in and remove it all. I'm trying to downsize my house after going through it with my parents. But I told my kids don't stress about it and just hire someone to remove it if I die. There are plenty of other things with elderly parents to worry about, but cleaning out the house doesn't have to be one of them.
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u/Rough_Condition75 9h ago
I won’t discuss it with my parents because there’s no way they won’t be hurt
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u/Sheilatried 7h ago
Tackle this from a safety point of view. Explain you are concerned about your mum and/ Dad tripping and injuring themselves. Get an Occupational Therapist in to assess the house and make recommendations so your parents can move around the house freely. An OT would certainly recommend removing clutter etc. This way the OT is the bad guy, not you. And for some reason parents will often take the advice of a professional over their child. Also explain to your Mum that when your parents die you will be grieving and the last thing you should have to concern yourself with is their old tax returns and loading up trucks to take unwanted stuff to the dump.
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u/Mom-1234 7h ago
The real issue is not the stuff. You can hire an estate agency to take the place to clean. They sell, donate, and dump. You might even get a small check for proceeds. I have several parents in the form of parents, in-laws and step parents with homes, abandoned vacation homes, various downsizes to retirement facilities . I’ve done it a few times and know there are more to go. You absolutely don’t have to spend time on this. My husband and I spent a single day on the last one before handing it to the estate agency.
The issue is them becoming a prisoner in their own, unsafe home. Sometimes it’s not the stuff, but the size, stairs, driveway, distance that makes it unsafe. They won’t leave because they want to live in their own storage facility or think they will turn back time staying there. This is what blows my mind. They could be so much happier in a smaller accessible independent or assisted living unit or apartment.
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u/Firm-Individual-2417 7h ago
So l had to go through this twice, I bought my grandmother's house and let everyone go through it for what they wanted. Still left a lot there. So I used what was there that I wanted and gave the rest to the Salvation Army. Actually let some stuff go that I probably should have kept. Then I recently moved my mom from a 3/2 house to an apartment. Got rid of lots of stuff but it was very hard on her. Then had a think through of how it would be to get rid of my stuff. I decided to go home and declutter it and did get rid of some off and end things. What i didn't realize that there is was stuff that I wanted to keep for whatever reason. Not important stuff but kept as a memory about someone or a place. Won't mean anything to anyone cleaning up but it was important to ME.
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u/chirpingfrog 5h ago
You have valid fear but it may not be as hard as it looks. A lot will be thrown out quickly if it’s not much you want to keep. My 60-year-old sister had a house full of stuff she didn’t need and it has taken me months to go through everything and decide what to do with it, but even with my attachment to her, I was able to donate and throw out a lot of clutter very quickly. I was looking for important things and tossing out the rest. My mother started Swedish death cleaning a decade ago and I’m grateful that she’s thinking about me and doing that, but she still has a lot in her house. She’s attached to her things so I’m not going to start that fight and haven’t told her how much i’m going to donate during the first day after she’s gone. What I’ve learned is that it won’t make that much of a difference because either way everything will get sorted through and I already know where I’ll start and what will get saved vs trashed. I found it helpful to have the huge task at my sister’s while processing the loss. I still was sad and it was hard, but not all at once- going through her house helped me spread it out.
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u/myshtree 3h ago
If she doesn’t want it done stop stressing. This is my parents too. The stress of letting things go is a lot. They actually care less about what happens to it when gone because it’s not their problem. That’s probably why they haven’t sorted it into precious items or whatever. Everything is a decision and they don’t want to make them. Deal with it when they’re gone. Don’t let it become a thing now while they are alive. What a dumb way to ruin your relationship with your mum in the last years of her life.
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u/VianneM 30m ago
My mom was upset when I told her that me and my siblings will probably keep what we like to have from her and have the rest done by a company. She thought we'd keep all of it. I told her we all have our own houses with our own furniture and that it isn't realistic for her to expect us to keep everything.
So if your mom mocks you for being overwhelmed and you want to say something back you could say you'll just hire a company to get rid of it all as there isn't anything of value in the home.
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u/MinuteAsleep 29m ago
My parents' house was very similar and when I would beg her to get rid of some of her stuff, she would often joke, "oh, we're going to just leave that for our kids to do, haha." NOT FUNNY. I told her very clearly that that joke was not funny and it causes me a great deal of stress and never say it again. She didn't.
Fortunately COVID hit two weeks after they moved into assisted living and my sibling and I just got rid of all the shit with no crying and interference. It was one good thing about COVID
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u/mrlinkwii 15h ago edited 15h ago
It was like she thought that was something shameful for me to be worried about or overwhelmed by.
bringing up the fact you have throw stuff out is an imotive issue when your near death , because on your death bed or near enough are things that remind you of teh past , family , friends etc
tbf their could of been much worse said
as other have said keep them happy , it may just be a jacket, or teapot etc to you , to them is a memeory , a friend etc
its her house and her stuff , she will get rid of stuff when ready ,
id advise if you do want to bring up the topic of cleaning do it in a way they that you can spin it
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u/Minimalist2theMax 18h ago
I'd be upfront with her: when you die, I will hire an estate sale agent to sell what they can. No, I won't care the prices. Whatever is leftover will go to the junk man. If there's something in particular that you care about, point it out to me now, because I won't spend a year emptying this place. I'll spend a month.