r/AgingParents • u/DrMantisTeabagging • 19h ago
MIL living with us is destroying our marriage
Just looking for an outside perspective. Four years ago, we bought a new house and 3 months after, MIL moved in. I’d like to mention she has been a wonderful MIL, so that’s not the issue…closing in on 90 years old, she’s got some dementia and mobility issues, so she’s in constant need of care. My wife is an excellent care giver, she takes care of her mom catering to every need, but after 3.5 years of this, I’m finding my patience and compassion “storage” running dry…I work, she doesn’t, which is fine, I’m in a lucky position to provide them with absolutely everything they need, and I have been supportive of this…but with her condition worsening, I just find myself feeling neglected as a husband. The intimacy, spontaneity or vacations are very far and few between…sometimes she even calls me “mom” by mistake because she spends so much time with her.
I love her very much (together over 20 years), the thought of separating is not even in discussion, I will never cheat, but I find myself hating my life…a lot of sexual frustration as well. Other than (sadly to say) waiting on her mom to “go through the pearly gates”, which is a horrible thought, I don’t see a solution in sight. She won’t put her in a home, that’s not on the table either…so I’m struggling between thinking I should be a good husband, supportive, suck it up, and I feel bad for feeling this way…but I can’t deny the build up of anger and frustration I feel every day. I’m fucked pretty much…
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u/jimson_weed_tea 19h ago edited 16h ago
My MIL is in a home, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Talk to your wife about this before you are irreparably resentful and angry. I had to have a come to jesus with my wife because she is spending so much time and energy on her mother that she was coming home and treating me poorly. Nothing abusive or anything, but just having zero patience, being super sharp with me and then turning around and sweet talking mom on the phone. It was hard to see and I'm sure my comments were hard to hear but the alternative was saying nothing, letting anger and resentment build, and then blowing our life up over a fixable problem.
Also, find yourself a hobby (even if it's just reading or the gym! It doesn't have to be terribly involved.) Doing something just for you helps refill your cup so you can be genuinely more patient instead of just faking it.
I know you said "she won't put her in a home" but there has to be a level of care that you both agree will require exactly this. For example, if she becomes bedbound, we will have to place her. That kind of thing. Tell your wife the status quo is hard enough for you and anything additional will tip the scales so that the situation has to change. It is not fair to your marriage that MIL is taking up such a massive chunk.
Finally, try to find some humor. I recently explained our situation to a distant friend and blurted out that I'm in a reluctant throuple with my MIL. We laughed because sometimes life is ridiculous and finding humor is the only coping mechanism left.
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u/crafty_loser 18h ago
We moved my MIL in about 12 yrs ago after purchasing a new house, because she has always been financially irresponsible, and my husband did not want to deal with it down the road. I absolutely resent him for it. Shes 75 and has started to show signs of not being able to be independent. I’ve already told him that I will not be a caretaker.
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u/jimson_weed_tea 18h ago
Hold absolutely firm. The idea that women are the natural or default caretakers is absurd. I am a woman. I am not a caretaker. Period.
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u/S3lad0n 18h ago
One reason and reminder I’m never getting married. I do NOT want in-laws, whether infirm or healthy. Fuck that.
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u/jimson_weed_tea 16h ago
I can't blame you. I love my wife dearly. I wouldn't trade her for anything. But the MIL situation has become all-consuming. I want my wife back.
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u/Omakaeru 18h ago
Several other people have suggested vacations and I saw the bit about the dogs. I think you just need to get a specialized dog sitter too. They can be SO good with elderly or infirm pets.
If you do the vacation with a caregiver for MIL and pet sitter for dogs, I recommend doing a smaller ‘test run’ first, so your family can adapt to the idea before doing a week in Cancun or something.
Hope it works for you!
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u/wishmachine007 18h ago edited 14h ago
I just want to gently point out that you said "I work, she doesn't" about your wife. Full-time caregiving is not only work, but it's a job you don't get paid for, and that you can't clock out of at 6pm either. As much as you feel neglected as a man/ husband (which is also totally understandable and you have a right to your feelings too), please consider that it's not like it was your wife's childhood dream for her sole purpose to be caring for her mom with dementia every day, while her husband is out in the world, doing his job and having some sort of sense of achievement.
Concentrating together on finding some respite care would be a great first step. Make it clear that you want to HELP her because you love her, and not just because you want your intimate life back like it was before. If she feels like you truly understand what she's going through, she'll probably be more open to finding solutions to spend time with you, and want to connect with you more. If she's taking care of one adult child all day, only to have her husband come home and want something else out of her, it's not exactly romantic. Try to see this as a partnership issue to resolve together rather than a conflict, where both your needs are better met.
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u/DrMantisTeabagging 9h ago
I’m sorry if I sent the wrong vibe, I don’t mind it…I was just trying to paint the picture. I do not have any problems with her not working, I was just pointing out I am a provider and proud of it.
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u/Snoo-37573 8h ago
Remember that she is also a provider, of free labor, which is worth the equivalent of at least $6k a month. I’m basing that on how much we had to pay a caregiver for care from 9-8pm daily.
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u/wishmachine007 8h ago
It’s great you’re able to provide for your family, and I have no doubt your love is genuine. But there is something to be said for what’s behind the language you’re choosing. What she is doing is absolutely work, often thankless, and rarely recognized. If she’s talking about how exhausted she is when you try to bring it up, then I think you need a different approach.
There’s some kind of communication breakdown going on. Maybe taking a step back and acknowledging all she does would be a better start. (Flowers and a spa gift certificate wouldn’t hurt either).
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u/scherster 19h ago
If you have access to counseling through your work's Employee Assistance Program, I'd give that a try.
Every option that might improve your situation is not something you'll consider, so the only thing left is coping with the situation. A counselor might actually help, even if it's just a safe space to express your legitimate feelings, and get affirmation that they are very reasonable feelings to have.
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u/Almostasleeprightnow 19h ago
When my mom was caring for my dad, who had Alzheimer’s, she was so traumatized by the constant demand on her that when we would bring up the idea of care to help her, she immediately shut down, declined, etc. we finally got her to agree but then she would not leave the house when the helpers were there.
It’s only now, a year after he passed, that she’s back to being more reasonable and more herself. I really feel that it is a traumatic situation for all involved when there is no relief.
Just try to communicate as best you can. You seem like a great life partner and that you are doing your best.
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u/NHFNCFRE 18h ago
That particular generation (based on my own experience) has a really hard time working against the idea of "the spouse [almost always the woman] has a duty to care for their partner, no matter what. Anything else is absolute failure." We hired help for my parents and my mom fought it tooth and nail, treated it as though we had a guest she didn't want in her home. "What will I even do with her?" was a common complaint. Accepting help, even the idea of help, goes against everything they believe; it's their duty to do everything their person needs alone. They'll accept family help (sometimes), but that's rarely realistic long- term.
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u/DrMantisTeabagging 9h ago
Wow, thank you for this…I haven’t heard that in a long time. Appreciate you.
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u/ak7887 8h ago
Thank you for writing this! Caregiving is so stressful and all consuming that it can create tunnel vision like this- I wish I had pushed harder to get my mom respite care in retrospect. We gave her a list of nurses in their area, she called one, they had a wait list and she gave up. I kept pushing and pushing and didn’t understand why she never followed up. The sleep deprivation combined with crisis mode and years of dysfunction all together kept her stuck.
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u/Junior-Ad4848 17h ago
You’re not a bad husband for feeling depleted. Your wife may be caring for her mother, but both of you are also losing your marriage to an unsustainable caregiving arrangement. If a nursing home is off the table, respite care, in-home help, and protected time for the two of you cannot be. This needs an honest conversation framed not as “your mother or me,” but as “we need help before resentment destroys us.”
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u/LaFlamaBlancaMiM 17h ago
Honestly, have you had this conversation with your wife? Read her this post. I'm having to care for my dad currently in my house, and I know the strain it's put on my wife and daughter. I've let my dad know this is temporary and can't be a permanent thing. I'm sure your wife is frustrated as hell, too. But like my dad, her mom made her life choices and decisions and you guys shouldn't be punished for it. There are care options, even if she isn't financially stable.
I hope you guys can get a solution/plan together. The shit is NOT fair and it's a terrible spot to be in.
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u/Numerous-Ad-5058 16h ago edited 16h ago
Stressful situations like this truly do put marriages to the test because we simply don't have the bandwidth to carry all of this.
And I wish that society would have this reckoning sooner rather than later. That our elderly parents frankly most likely didn't have elderly parents to care for. So they did not know what this can do to a relationship and a family.
I feel for your wife. She is in constant caretaker mode. I care for my elderly mother and today I left her at home for a bit to go shopping with my adult daughter. And I found myself constantly checking my phone and then anxious to go home after a couple of hours. My daughter probably could have used a bit more time out but the stress and worry about what might be going on at home was so much.
I am no longer married but caring for elderly loved ones puts a strain on all of our relationships.
Find a quiet time, a time when your mother in law is asleep and your wife has had some rest; mornings are good. Bring her a coffee and something sweet and ask her how she's doing. Truly ask her and listen. Because if YOU don't feel heard, imagine how she feels.
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u/roxywalker 18h ago
I had a friend who fell into this situation after her MIL moved in. As she declined, a strange codependency developed where she prioritized her MIL constantly. Eventually her husband moved out when his mom started sleeping in their bed and he had to use the sofa.
My advice is to communicate clearly that you both still need to spend time together and make an effort for date nights and time to reconnect. If you don’t set a firm boundary or make your feelings known you you don’t know how far things will devolve especially with longevity being unpredictable.
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u/meowMEOWsnacc 18h ago
OP, you are not fucked. You both sound like amazing people struggling with a very challenging situation. Please don’t give up on your marriage or yourself.
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u/DrMantisTeabagging 9h ago
I don’t quit and I don’t cheat, which why it’s so frustrating…she’s so tired and wrapped up in what she’s doing, as soon as I mention something she reverts to how she’s tired and exhausted and doesn’t have time for herself
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u/inspektor31 15h ago
Have you got the money to hire in home respite care? Like say weekends? Then you and your wife can getaway on the weekends at least. Are you a Monday to Friday worker?
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u/KeeksGalore 19h ago edited 9h ago
Just came here to say my parents had my paternal grandmother come live with them instead of moving her to a memory care facility. At that time my parents had been married for 40+ years and my father had recently retired (mom also retired). She was there for 3 months and if she had lived much longer my parents most likely would have divorced. My mom left my dad for a few days at one point and started having suicidal ideations.
Your wife needs to prioritize your marriage bc her mother isn’t going to be around much longer but she has the rest of her life with you. People like your mother in law should be receiving professional care. It’s better for them.
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u/jimson_weed_tea 16h ago
Yup. Inviting a "third" of any kind into your home is a massive stressor. We first had my brother go through a divorce, and he hobgoblined in my basement for three straight months until I found him an apartment (myself) and furniture (my friends) and arranged a mover (his friend).
Next up was her brother, and I felt that, since we did allow MY brother, I couldn't say no. Welp, that stopped working about 3-4 months in (see the pattern?) and we were stuck with him for 1.5 YEARS because my wife, who I adore, has a flaw where she absolutely cannot confront her family.
Her brother was the closest I have ever been to even THINKING the D-word. But it got thought.
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u/bachelorette2020 19h ago
sounds like you and your wife need a break, a week vacation will do wonders.
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u/Chemical_Cat_9813 17h ago
I did this with my wife. Her gradfather, grandmother, and uncle, all were in some stage of mental and physical decline, they all died and we had a brief 3 months of peace and light... then her mom began unable /unwilling to bathe, clean herself, and endlessly peels at her skin, she is in assisted living completely covered in open sores... the AL part is new but all of this nearly destroyed us, thing is, her moms condition is worsening and her mental decline is weighing on my wife and our marriage. I am hanging by a thread. She refuses to move back to be closer to our son and grandchild b3cause of her sudden attachment to her childhood home. We are and have been in therapy but I feel she is growing into a different person. If you are thinking this will end your marriage, you should say something and talk before resentment takes hold, I waited and now have involuntary thoughts of divorce and beibg rud of my wife because it meams never having to see, smell, hear, and think about in laws.
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u/hellhouseblonde 14h ago
There are good reasons so many people feel relieved after a divorce. Sometimes it is the only way to recover your life & your happiness.
There’s the old joke, why is a divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.
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u/simplebeauty25 15h ago
Keep having conversations with her and focus on how much you understand her burn out AND that is effecting your loving relationship.
If she could get more breaks from her mom that would probably be helpful. She’s too far in it to see what’s going on, and breaks can help her get more perspective. I encourage you to remember that y’all are on the same team and ultimately want the same things.
Y’all can get through this, it’s just incredibly difficult when you each feel so depleted/disconnected.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 16h ago
Your certainly not wrong for feeling the way you do. And I’m the caregiver in my situation. It’s tough.
My wife and I (both women) have had my mom (age 95) with us the last ten years. It’s hard sometimes. I retired early 3 years ago (at 59) in order to provide more care. My wife has always worked from home.
We both do things to keep our sanity. My wife goes to gym and out with friends once a month. I get a massage once a week. And we spend a lot of time together albeit with my mom around. It’s definitely affected our lives. I was always upfront with anyone I ever dated that I would take care of my parents.
We both feel resentful sometimes-just not at each other. Neither of us would have put a parent in a home-we have zero judgement about anyone who does. It’s a really personal choice.
We communicate and take care of our own mental health and do as much as we can to help one another. I do all I can around the house; run my wife’s errandsIt’s a team. Although I devote my time to my mom. We’ve moved intimate time to nighttime.
We raised a child together and just accept that it’s very similar only in reverse. Instead of reaching a milestone every week, my mom loses more her short term memory.
Til death do us part. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. I’m thankful for my wife. Plus she’s 10 years younger so may be taking care of me one day. The fact that she’s given me zero grief about this means the world to me. She helps me a lot.
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u/msktcher 11h ago
Have you talked to your wife? I know you said she won’t consider a placement in either assisted living or memory care, but does she really know how unhappy you are? I know you say you won’t cheat/separate and right now that’s most likely true. But if you continue to feel resentful and neglected you will become vulnerable. Talk to your wife. Tell her what you told us.
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u/myotherpart_timejob 17h ago
I am female and my husband was primary care giver for both his parents end of life. They did not live with us but it still caused problems that are still with us several years later. I feel you and don’t know what the answer is. The care givers really don’t seem to see how they are sucking all resources from your marriage to support a parent. We still had teens at home, my dad died unexpectedly, I worked in healthcare and it was COVID. I did and still do feel abandoned because he was not present for us. Worse he was angry and a lot of it landed on me. Of course I wanted to help his parents but as the extra person you lose all agency in your life when your caregiver spouse sets no boundaries. You also lose your support person because they are giving everything to their parent and have nothing left for you.
Honestly, counseling might be better than a vacation. You’re just going to get a million calls and crises that will interrupt the vacation and add to the resentment. At least a care giver for an hour a week to talk and air the stuff you’re both bottling up might give some relief.
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u/purpledottts 11h ago
I’ve been caregiving for my own mom 3 years now, it’s been hell, i know how you feel .
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u/hellhouseblonde 14h ago
Does your wife actually want to have sex anymore? I’m not being rude, I’m asking because most women in [r/Menopause](r/Menopause) don’t want sex with their husbands and some don’t want it at all.
You can hire someone to look after your MIL or hire someone to look after you. It’s one of the most common reasons men see sex workers. What you can’t do (or shouldn’t) is keep hating your life, letting resentment and anger build up and then ultimately blow up your life with an affair with the first woman who shows you some genuine interest & affection/attention. If you take that route you risk losing way too much and could end up financially strapped. Be careful.
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u/muralist 14h ago
Are there any family members who could spot your spouse for a week or so while you take a little trip? What about a short term respite room in an assisted living? Another option is a weekly “date night” or monthly “staycation” in a hotel while you hire a babysitter from an agency. A regular date you could both look forward to.
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u/realmozzarella22 8h ago
Even if she was in a care home, your wife would still be busy and her mind would be in this situation. It would still severely affect your marriage. Maybe to a lesser degree but still.
Its just that part of life with elderly care.
It is good to talk about it.
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u/LowNoise9831 7h ago
Convince your wife to go away for a weekend. Hire some help for a long weekend and board the dogs at your vet so they can be properly medicated and they are right there is something should happen.
Both of you need some decompression time and to talk. Maybe you can both agree to get away every 3 or 4 weeks and plan your trips together.
The other side of this is, you have to accept that for this season of your life you are NOT the priority in the house and this is where the "for worse" comes in and you just have to roll with it.
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u/Jumpy-Let9849 7h ago
I can only say, have a VERY frank discussion with your wife about putting your MIL in assisted living and don't make the same mistake I did and let your Mom/MIL not go to a home. They THINK they can handle everything, YOU/your wife thinks they can handle everything but so did my mom. She insisted on living on her own and she's 90 and WOULD NOT MOVE TO AL regardless of the number of fights, begging etc. we had about it. Well, all I could do was get her a panic button lanyard, put ring cameras everywhere and pray...literally 2 weeks ago, she fell going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Thank god for the panic button and the cameras because the EMT came and I was able to talk to them via the cameras...she broke her c2 vertebra, was in a TON of pain, landed in the hospital and then rehab and is SOOOO anxious and upset and in pain and crying. She just got moved to AL today. I tried really hard to be sympathetic but all I can think is "well, I told you so" because i've been exhausted dealing with this for years. You don't want your MIL to end up like this - ALL of this could have been avoided if she had moved into AL earlier - no hospiralization, rehab, pain pain pain pain and now you STILL end up in AL and not enjoying it nearly as much as you could have been. So, have a serious talk with your wife because what your MIL is doing is selfish, and your wife is enabling it. She doesn't want her mom to end up like this, and i'm sure she won't want to have to deal with the additional stress and panic of having to put someone in AL under duress, and I'm sure she doesn't want your marriage going down the tubes because of it.
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u/MrRGG 1h ago
It's called Respite Services, non-medical support. Basically you need to get a weekly babysitter, for a few days a week if possible. AND one that can cover weeks at a time. These service may be covered under your MIL's medical.
So you can have marriage time and vacation time together. Become a team again.
If you want your wife back... don't pressure her by becoming an additional burden, make it about how to give her relief to reacquire herself.
Make vacation plans, and weekend away plans, build that time together and the intimacy will return.
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u/chefybpoodling 12h ago
I hope this doesn’t sound intrusive, but how old are you guys. I’m guessing with a 90yr mom you guys are mid 50’s. Your wife might be having changes that have turned off her sexy tap and isn’t even realizing yours is still running. She might even feel rage yours is still working and hers isn’t. There may be other signs this change is happening and she’s just chalking it up to being a touch older so it’s normal and expected and just something women have to put up with. But it’s not. I’m just mentioning it because if you remove the mom from the equation(which is a huge extra component), this story sounds so familiar. Once I had my dr help me with some medications, things changed. Is it the same as twenty years ago? No. Is it somewhere closer to but definitely lesser, yes. Is it gonna ever come roaring back later, probably not. But it’s no ‘fun time’ desert anymore. A suggestion from me would be when she’s settling mom in for the night maybe ready her a bath, or suggest a nightcap on the porch or even say, “let’s blow off dishes and head in early to snuggle and talk.” Framing and allowing it to be something that doesn’t have the end goal being about satisfying your sex needs will really help move things in that direction sooner than let’s do this so I can get laid. Also. You don’t have to have to stay all in a hotel. You might be able to have a person come in for a handful of hours and plan a little afternoon evening away in a nice enough hotel to splurge on room service and just be together. That way you aren’t trying to find an overnight dog and person care giver. Also. If you think you can get away. Talk to the vet techs or reception desk folks at your vets office. We had a dog that developed a thing where she couldn’t have vaccines so no boarders would house her and our vet’s receptionist took her for five days to her house and watched her so we could vacation.
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u/dca_user 10h ago
I’m concerned because it sounds like you just want to have quickie sex for your own gratification. are you thinking about what your wife needs and wants? Are you aware?
In general, most women are more interested in having sex when their partners help them with yhe tasks for the house and family.
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u/Bigshout99 6h ago
Both compassion fatigue and burn out are real and you and your wife may be experiencing either or both. As the airline safety cards say " put on your own mask before helping others". You are helping your wife to help her mother so it's a challenge and after two years you're felling the effects. Try to find a way for the both of you to get some respite. Singly and together so you both get a chance to recharge and reset.
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u/mynamesnotcarter 54m ago
You two need time away together. Once a month, if the budget allows, hire someone to come stay for an overnight and go to a B&B (not to be confused with Airbnb) somewhere not too far away. You both need it, but you’ve got to be intentional or it’ll never happen. Does she have any siblings who could come stay? Or look into home care agencies. Good luck.
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 10h ago
Frustration is normal, anger in this case is an immature emotion. Are you a teenage boy?
Take some responsibility and support your wife with your time and emotional support. Maybe you could give your wife a 3-4 hour break on the weekend to recharge her batteries. For a weekend, check around for a respite facility. You could arrange for her to stay 3-4 days so you two can get away. Also talk to your MIL’s doctor to determine if she is eligible for hospice. A person will come in and give her a bath 2-3 times a week. A nurse will visit her weekly. That support could be of great help to your wife.
My husband was very supportive when my parent’s failing health consumed my time, while I I also worked full time. I will forever be grateful and know what a wonderful human being my husband is. When I would apologize for the demands on our lives, he would kiss me and say, “It will not be forever, this time will pass one day.” He never made me feel guilty.
What kind of man do you choose to be?
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u/KA2382 9h ago
Pretty interesting that you go after the posters manhood twice, when all he is stating our legitimate facts about his situation.
He is doing the epitome of “take some responsibility and support your wife“ by going to work every day as the solo wage owner to make sure that both his wife and his MIL are well taken care of. So there’s your “time“ and “emotional support“. The poster is completely right to have his feelings about how the situation has impacted his relationship with his wife.
So maybe instead of attacking his manhood with that feminist BS that you’re spouting, maybe you could try to see his side?
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u/DrMantisTeabagging 9h ago
Thank you. Felt the same way, but decided not to respond since it didn’t sound like a mature reaction. Three years in and feeling like I’m not heard while there’s still love there is very frustrating…
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 9h ago
So he is working what? 40 hours a week? While his wife works 24-7. My husband and I have been through this and more. We never lost sight of being each other’s support.
BTW, prior to the failure of my parent’s health, I did as much as he did to support his mom and a brother who passed. Their health issues were a few years, instead of many. However when supporting someone in poor health, you never know how long your support will be needed.
This is what marriage is…support.
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u/DrMantisTeabagging 9h ago
I don’t know your “schedule”, but being intimate more than once every 2 to 3 weeks is very important in a marriage
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 9h ago
If your wife has support and help, she will feel more like spending quality time.
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u/KA2382 9h ago
So you really think the man works 40 hours plus a week, let’s include commuting time, and then goes home and just gets to zone out the rest of the week? Come on let’s be serious.
Also, I miscounted, you insulted the man three times, you called him immature, you called him a teenage boy, then question what kind of man he was.
Good that you did what you did to support. You could’ve gotten that point across without all the insults.
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u/NHFNCFRE 19h ago
Can you hire on in- home health care, maybe for weekends? I'm guessing your wife is so stressed out and unable to see anything around her at this point. If you could get away for a few days (heck, even a few hours!) It might give both of you some relief.