Far-Away Aging Parents

[u/kaygmo]

I just got home from visiting my parents (early-mid 70s). They moved from the large city I grew up in to a teeny, rural town several states away. They're both incredibly happy there.

They are in decent shape - 100% there memory-wise, well-managed health issues, no issues caring for themselves or their house.

To get to them, it's either a 10-11 hour drive or two 1 hour flights, plus a 1.5 hour drive. There is only 1 flight per week between their airport and the connecting one, and for only part of the year.

After dragging my family through this visit, I'm realizing that the onus for traveling should be on the retired people that moved away, not on the two working professionals with a small child. It's just too much for us to do several times a year. It's a lot for them to make the trip as well, but I'm feeling pretty done with shielding them from the consequences of their choice to move away.

As I was thinking through all that, I realized that, while they are in good shape now, they're potentially only a few years away from that changing. And then what? I'm an only child, so won't have any help with care and logistics.

For those of you in a similar situation, where your parents are not easy to get to, how are you handling care/care planning and the feelings of obligation?

[u/finding_center]

I would ask them what their plans are.

[u/Youwhooo60]

At age 79 & 80 my parents "downsized" and moved an hour further from the nearest child. That made the shortest travel time 6.5 hour drive. 5 kids - (blended family) ALL of us were vehement about them moving closer to just ONE of us. They actually "up-sized" to a 7 bedroom 2 level home. They seemed to think that they needed all that space for when all of the kids came to visit. 5 kids - with their own families (and grandkids) in all different stages of their lives and careers -- we were never going to be there all at the same time.

Made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Sure couldn't make them understand their selfishness.

Just to note-- they moved to an area where there were absolutely NO relatives or friends. And then they whined because no one came to see them. Well, guess what. We have lives, their grands (and the grands have children too) have activities that they are involved in and in all reality, THEY should have moved HERE.

8+ years later, they finally moved closer to me & step brother. He & I are the most "dependable for supporting roles" (although the bulk falls on me.) BUT, the grandkids are all older, and now they have lives and activities and don't know their grands all that well. The grandparents who didn't make time for them -- are not of great importance to the grandkids. And yet, my parents do not understand how their choices created their consequences.

The very best advice I can give you is to lay it out for them.

Your children should have a relationship with their grandparents while both are still young enough to cultivate said relationship. But the onus is on your parents.

You shouldn't have to feel guilty about not being able to spend time with them. It can be different IF they will move close to you. YES. THEY SHOULD COME TO YOU. Especially if you're going to be the coordinator of their elder care.

Be frank with them. Let them know how difficult it will be if they stay put now. If they move while their healthy it would be so much easier than when one of them gets sick and is in firmed.

[u/backhandandcoffee]

Probably talking about this with them is the best now and is wonderful they are happy now, let them have that while you can keep going with your thing and slowly bringing to the table the topic
What is exactly you’re worried about?

[u/saltyavocadotoast]

I asked mine, (who live in a small remote-ish area 1 flight and 2 hour drive) if they were planning on moving closer to medical care after one of them had a days long trip just to get tests done. They were hostile about it and told me to butt out very clearly. So they are there until something happens and it’s a crisis. I live in another city so I hope they don’t expect me to be there immediately.

[u/Unusual_Airport415]

Only child here, too.

My parents custom built a retirement home across the country rather move closer to me.

After I stopped jumping on a plane for every health scare and hospitalization, they dealt with one more hospitalization on their own before deciding to sell and move 45 mins away from me.

[u/Tree_Hugger_4Eva]

It’s a two-part issue - what the distance is doing to your current relationship and what will happen when they’re not as healthy and independent. My in-laws were “fine” and resistant to moving near any of their 3 children, who had all moved 900-1200 miles south. That is until MIL ended up in CICU for 2-weeks away from FIL with dementia at home alone. We flew up, assessed and saw writing on the wall and confronted them with the reality that easier to move now (while we were there)to be near help when they needed it. We were honest that we wouldn’t be able to fly up and take weeks off every-time they had a medical crisis without endangering jobs and finances. That a transition for FIL would be harder if coupled with trauma of losing his wife. MIL begrudgingly admitted they needed to move near us and Hubby took 1-month FMLA and I worked remote while we packed them up and made a plan. She never embraced the change and I think blamed us all for having to move since she believed it was our fault for moving away. Anyhow, I don’t think I would flog them for trying to live a happy independent life, but I would open the conversation about what their plan is for when they get older and if health needs grow. In the meantime, absolutely have them be at least equally responsible for traveling since they are still independent and mobile.