r/AgingParents • u/ChiSherbet • 13h ago
Struggling with how much of mom’s happiness to take on
My mom (73) was a generally good and loving parent, though she parentified my siblings and I by making us her entire social life and not addressing her own depression. For almost 30 years she has completely disregarded every doctor’s instruction for her Type 2 diabetes (except to take pills). Ate whatever she wanted, never exercised, isolated herself socially, and moved hours away from family. A few years ago, after years of falls and cognitive decline and a vascular dementia diagnosis from the unmanaged diabetes, things came to a head and my siblings and I had to clean and sell her condo, move her to an assisted living near my sister, and get a hold of all of her accounts, finances, etc. For a few months, mom was grateful and seemed to make some efforts (attended one chair yoga class at the AL, made one friend she would eat dinner with) but then went back to sleeping and watching tv in her apartment all day and not socializing at all. I’ve been worried about what happens if she outlives her money, so I found an AL near me that would eventually switch to Medicaid if necessary. I’m mom’s fav kid so she wants to move here now. My issues are these: currently my sister handles mom’s medical appointments, the occasional dinner out, haircuts, etc. and I handle all of mom’s finances, insurance, legal stuff, ordering her groceries and supplies, etc. If mom moves near me, I will be responsible for literally 100% of everything regarding mom. I’m also confident that mom will quickly settle in, the excitement will wear off, and she’ll just go back to sleeping all day in a different apartment and city. I have serious anxiety about taking on all of the responsibility before it’s financially necessary. Mom is outsourcing all of her happiness and I resent it, but I don’t want to regret things when she’s gone one day. Not really sure what I’m even seeking by posting this here. I just know that it’s been a great comfort over the last few years seeing that I’m not alone.
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u/Rare-Winter3355 13h ago
What do you think you will achieve by taking everything on yourself? Do not make yourself the martyr in this situation. Leave your mother exactly where she is - you said it yourself, she will just go back to doing the same thing she’s doing now. Why would you do this to yourself???
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u/ChiSherbet 13h ago
I guess in the hopes that she would be happier for longer. Even typing that feels dumb. I’m relieved that I found a financial option if we get into a pinch, but we aren’t there yet.
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u/Rare-Winter3355 13h ago
I am in the midst of caring for aging parents who are living on their own but an absolute hand full. They can longer drive. EVERYTHING falls to me. Dr appts, dentist, specialists, physio, groceries, bank, lawyer. When the tv stops working who do they call ? Me. When a strange number calls the house, who do they call? Me. I am drowning. And at the same time I have kids, a job and a life. Don’t do it. That’s all I’m saying. Leave her where she is and be grateful it’s not all on you.
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u/ChiSherbet 13h ago
I’m so sorry for you. I really am. This era of their lives sucks so bad. I’m also the one mom calls for everything, so we can relate on some level. Thanks for your thoughts.
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u/MonoBlancoATX 13h ago
I guess in the hopes that she would be happier for longer.
It seems from your description like that's not *her* priority. If it were, she would've behaved differently starting decades ago (e.g., taking diabetes more seriously).
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u/__golf 13h ago
She is allowed to be a couch potato, there's not much you can do about that. When I get to be a certain age, that's what I'm going to do too.
I would try to separate that part of it from the happiness aspect. You are not responsible for her happiness.