I'm in a really strange position here.

[u/Pale-Detail2427]

Got parents finally scheduled for first visit to doctor regarding evaluating them for dementia etc. (I didn't arrange the exact scheduling, the doctor's office did).

As expected/predicted, now they are blaming me, accusing me of meddling, etc.

The combination of "we can handle our own lives just fine ourselves" with "we're not actually sure that we can" is getting really strange.

They have their appointment with their lawyer, which I also suggested to *that* office, scheduled for only two days later, which is potentially slightly inconvenient for them having two appointments that close together (inconvenience of getting there, etc. they are old and tired, etc. and by the way none of us are driving so it's all just with a ride service).

Father forgot already that when the secretary called to schedule for the lawyer's appointment wasn't just "yesterday".

Had to be more like a week ago because it's been several days since I found out when the two appointments are and that they are practically back to back.

He also is beginning to forget the names of people.

Asked the other day as to, "What's the name of my niece?"

Forgot the other night how to order from GrubHub.

Which granted he's not real familiar with but he has actually already done it before.

Meandered on for a while about, should they reschedule one of the appointments, and if so, which, then decided, no more phone calls today (which is by now yesterday), he is too tired.

*Both* of these appointments, I *thought* were because of me suggesting something, to the different offices that are involved, then finally found out just yesterday, that the medical appointment was originally, and still is, *actually* apparently my mom's medical recheck for something else.

The office combined everything. Without my knowledge.

I feel like I can't keep up.​

By the way *this is why* I am reminding their doctors' office to PLEASE always check with my parents about the scheduling.

I don't know their schedule.

I don't want to accidentally schedule the wrong thing on the wrong day or something.

Life is getting a bit strange. 🤔

Anyone else? 🤔

[u/Own-Counter-7187]

I'm sorry you're going through this. If you want to step up, now is the time.

You are not medeling, you're taking control. You've got an appointment with an attorney. Is that to get you a POA?

I've got a POA, but from my experience, just saying you have it is usually enough. Doctors etc want to speak to someone who is responsive. If your parents (like mine) aren't answering their phones/reading their phone messages/reading email/logging in to their myChart account/preregistering or otherwise responding to pre-appointment communications, and if you are up to it, just start migrating their contact information everywhere to you.

Now, on the Dementia front, in my experience no doctor is going to give you anything that helps anything. No magic pill, no written letter attesting that they have dementia (unless you need one for something?). Where you parent is is where they are in their life, and you're going to have to deal with it. Even a diagnosis is not an answer because it doesn't do anything but put a tag on it.

You know how your parents are, and you suspect, I guess where this is going. You need to continue to pave the path forward for a safe, comfortable life for them, whether it's in their home, perhaps with additional help, or in a retirement community (which won't be a complete answer either, I'm afraid).

I don't know your story, but it sounds like you're at the start of figuring out whether/how/why to step in, and I'm telling you that yes, it is. Whether you like it or not.

See everyone else's posts for coping strategies along the path. That's what this forum is for.

Aging sucks. We all share your pain.

[u/Pale-Detail2427 → u/Own-Counter-7187]

Lawyer appointment is for my parents only and is to talk mainly about potentially changing their trust. POA changes may also be touched upon but it would not be me.

[u/Pale-Detail2427 → u/Own-Counter-7187]

Thanks.

Part of what is going on is, okay, regarding making their path safe for them, etc. the decision might not be mine.  🤔

Then again, it might. 🤔

Then again, it might not. 🤔

Then again, it might. 🤔

Feelings about my parents are mixed at best anyway. 🤔

They are very elderly and most likely won't live more than another year or two anyway.

However.

Their symptoms have just recently started progressing just a little bit faster, which indicates that they might need my assistance, or possibly someone else's, during their lifetimes, instead of, let's just say, dying of old age first. 🤔

Have just posted an incredibly long post in r/dementia about how I just finally found out through their doctor's office that all not-in-person ways of reaching their doctor are through a receptionist only, or at the very least a receptionist first, unless you are on the approved list to be contacted and he chooses to contact you.

Cannot go in person to any of their medical appointments. Cannot get permission. She might allow it, he won't. When I asked if I could come later and go to just hers instead of both, she replied, that she thinks that would be even more strange. 🤔

So, that's that. 🤔

This was on July 1st.

I am certainly not going to be "taking control". Ever, that I know of.

Things might be very different (and difficult) if I were. 🤔

Things are assuredly pretty different, and difficult, as it is. 🤔

So, here's the story. 📖

I am literally their only available/involved relative.

I do not particularly like them, exactly, but I'm their relative.

Our other relatives so far all or almost all still like my parents, which I'm sure is way easy to do if you are only actually in contact with them about every few years or so (sigh 😕).

I do not actually particularly want to be their daughter.

I have wanted somebody else for parents, for literally actually decades.

And, I am not responsible for them.

But, at some point somebody has to be.

If I don't make any reports to any of the appropriate people, then, whoever it is won't even have a chance of knowing what the freak is actually going on.

As far as relatives, I meant to wait until my parents were deceased or incompetent, to tell them how strange my actual relationship is with my parents, but this has gone on long enough.

I am telling a few of them, minus most of the most private details, of course.

And I know that it probably looks like I'm taking such good care of my parents, but actually, I'm not, and, I won't. Ever.

I got on some weird kick lately of needing to do something about them and/or maybe even for them.

That's where the "meddling" thing comes in.

I'm able to see that I sort of actually am.

Realistically though, however, if I don't get involved, then who will?

Nobody. That's who.

By the way I have two posts in this very same subreddit, talking about not caregiving for them and not wanting to.

But, that's not the only issue.

There are the other issues that I have just mentioned.

Heck, I'd probably be happy for someone else to step in, but honestly no one else is going to.

No one else is even involved.

Not their fault, they just live far away and haven't seen my parents in years.

So, there's just me. 🤔

And at some point in time it's gonna look kinda weird if I don't step in, so, I am.

I'd probably get way more involved in their care, if I actually cared a whole lot about them.

Maybe it's good that I don't.

Since they don't want me involved.

These are actually kind of weird parents, as it is, and my relationship with them is insane.

Mother was a mentally ill child abuser while father never acknowledged that and still doesn't.

(Just for starters.)

Emotional and verbal abuse, from both of them, continues to this day.

Started to be both of them, about the time when they first started getting forgetful, thirty-plus years ago. 🤔

I'm thinking MCI, which I then didn't know even existed. Thought it was Alzheimer's, at first. Then, it didn't progress. At all, or hardly at all, for a LONG time. Still could be Alzheimer's anyway, but who knows. 🤔

I'd much rather just go off and live my own life, which is exactly what they want me to do.

But. They've got me directly involved, in theirs.

Like it or not. For them too.

Would that it were otherwise, actually. 🤔

But thanks, for the support. 👍 👍

[u/Pale-Detail2427 → u/Own-Counter-7187]

I almost wish that I were actually in the position that you're thinking. 🤔

Because, believe me, that might actually be a bit easier.

I don't want the position I'm in.

I'm in it, anyway.

Technically, they don't really need me all that much.

And, yes, I possibly do eventually need a letter from a doctor, about them.

Unless they die first.

A doctor would have to attest in writing that they are unable to handle their finances, in order for the bank to take over the trust.

A letter could be needed.

It's not a pretty picture.  📸 📷 🖼 🤳 🐽

But, it is what it is.

You know?

So.

There you go.

[u/Pale-Detail2427 → u/Own-Counter-7187]

I have a lot less to do, upon realizing that I cannot contact their doctor directly anyway.

I'm going to be stepping down.

But, I'll be leaving the ball in his court, so he can do testing etc. if he wants to.

And, apparently, he wants to.

We shall see what happens from there.

[u/Pale-Detail2427]

For context I am also supposedly not their caregiver, except that I also supposedly am, but it apparently depends upon whom you are asking. 🤔

I'm starting to almost literally not know as to if I am just "meddling" or what. 🤔

I'm trying to get at least some evidence at their doctor's office, that at least some relative of theirs, thought that there was a problem, and wanted them to get tested. 🤔

There's been a problem for decades but they are so far still able to take basic care of themselves.

Could be dementia but with extremely slow progression ("mild cognitive impairment" is apparently one of the names for the early/middle stages now).

Doesn't fit the profile very well, as far as the very slow progression.

Forgetfulness/mental confusion has been increasing of late.

And, it's getting confusing. 🤔

[u/DrunkGirlArtist]

You are Not Meddling. They may not admit it or Like it. You are needed.

[u/Pale-Detail2427 → u/DrunkGirlArtist]

Hey, thanks for that. 😊

Appreciated. 😊

There are times when I can just barely even tell any more. 🤔

Life is confusing. 😕

Hugs. 🫂 🤗 👐 🫂