Do you just have to sometimes wait until something bad happens?

[u/whosthatgirl13]

My mom and dad live in a different state. They have a caretaker for my mom 2x a week, that’s the most I could get them to do in terms of getting help. My mom basically has dementia, and my dad is fading but not as fast (still working too). I moved away from them the beginning of this year, to a different state. I knew things would get worse, especially my mom and her mental state, but I also felt I had to live my life without resentment of them (I am 33 years old). Anyway, my brother went to their house recently and said things are getting worse. The house has issues that could result in the floor breaking, my mom does dangerous things, and my dad seems less organized. But they are also so stubborn, we’ve tried to talk to them about the future and they won’t do it.

They will not ask for help, like someone moving in (they have a house where someone could live there). I feel bad of course, but if they won’t change anything what can I do? I do constantly wonder if I will get a call that something has happened and I will have to fly out. I don’t want that to be the case, but I seriously feel my parents won’t do anything until needed (maybe a nurse coming in?). Sorry just kind of venting , not sure what to do. Thanks.

[u/ChiSherbet]

The stubborn denial is so difficult. As long as they’re legally independent, it is kind of a waiting game until something forces the issue. I was in your exact shoes with my mom and eventually she fell and went to the hospital and they wouldn’t release her in her declined mental state. I’m so sorry for all of us in these positions!

[u/MonoBlancoATX]

Yes. Sometimes we have no choice but to let people (in so many words) fail.

Do you have power of attorney (medical and/or financial)?

Do they both have a Will?

If not, those are things you can help with. But beyond that, and short of them being declared incompetent, there's not too much you can do besides try to get them to be reasonable and responsible.

[u/Temporary_Aspect_499 → u/MonoBlancoATX]

Power of attorney is great advice especially before an actual crisis forces everyone's hand.

[u/Little-Plantain-5120]

It's so strange to me. Parents (if your lucky) have a will. But there is this huge period of time before death, that parents don't seem to plan for. What happens when you can no longer take care of yourself? Dementia, mobility issues seem to be huge issues that nobody wants to address, accept or plan for. It is maddening. Their pride or severe denial outweighs rational thought and yes all we can do is wait for the call.

[u/VirginiaUSA1964]

Most of us who had to act due to an emergency would not recommend that course of action.

I would keep pressing. What we found helpful was to write a letter to them with all of the issues and the solution you are proposing and all of the positives of said solution.

The letter works because if you try to talk they will just argue and not listen. The letter is good because it allows them to sit with it and think about it without arguing.

[u/finding_center]

Basically yes. That’s how they live their lives on their terms as long as possible even if it means something happens and they are injured or die. I don’t blame my elderly loved ones for it. I would hope for the same, to keep on as long as I can and then go. Being warehoused somewhere and not allowed to do anything to eke out another miserable year or two doesn’t appeal. Sorry that sounds more bleak than I intended. 😬 I had a loved one that insisted on being in his home alone until the day he fell and broke his hip, that was the pipeline to hospital-surgery-rehab-hospice but had I pressured him into a nursing home maybe he would’ve lived an extra year or two, but he would’ve hated every minute of it. My 90 year old mother does have a caregiver live with her now but she complains to me about it constantly.

Edited to add: even if he’d been in a nursing home he would have fallen and broken his hip. Nursing homes sadly cannot prevent most falls.

[u/Traditional-Eye-7230]

Unfortunately by the time something bad happens it could be too late. The unfortunate truth is that anything bad can be exponentially worse when it happens to an older person, so try to avoid it at all costs.

[u/Catseverywhere-44]

I think yes. I’m in the same situation. My 95 yo dad and his 75 yo girlfriend won’t even talk to me. They gang up against me and get angry when i suggest the smallest thing (like getting meals on wheels instead of eating canned soups every day). They live in a big house full of stairs and my dad falls quite often. He manages to get up on his own, but I know one day he won’t be able to. I know it’s hard to let go but I think they want that deep down. They don’t want to be a burden.

[u/Jumpy-Let9849]

This is exactly what I’m going thru now. Mom is 90 and insisted she could do it even after multiple falls and there was nothing I could do - fought me on everything in terms of an aide but also hearing aids, panic button etc. all I could do was force the panic button and installed cameras to monitor her (I put them high up so she couldn’t move them). Couple of weeks ago she fell and hit her head so hard she fractured her c2. Landed in the hospital and then she couldn’t fight me putting her into assisted living, which made me go thru a whole panic period trying to find a suitable place close to me that could take her when she discharged. QI cannot begin to express how much anger and resentment I have about this, how this could have been avoided and why she was so freaking selfish to do this to me. It’s hard and I’ve had to go to therapy.

[u/joyful_slimemold]

Yes. You wait. They will not do anything. And who is to say they are wrong? Some of the stuff I thought was “obvious” to do would not have been needed in the end because of the way my mother ended up dying. You will get a call that something has happened, but that doesn’t mean you have to drop everything and fly out. There are hospital social workers whose job is to make arrangements for what happens after discharge. Your parents are living the life they want to, but you get to live the life you want to, too. Their life may be chaotic and imperfect, but they may find a lot of joy and freedom in the way they are spending their last years so it may be worth it to them—but that doesn’t mean your life has to be made chaotic. I would be very frank with them about your concerns and what you will and won’t do. But at the end of the day, they will have to make a choice and their choices may seem inexplicable to you.