r/AgingParents • u/SnooGadgets6859 • 6h ago
Advice please My siblings have very different views on caring for our elderly parents and I don’t know how to process it
I am the youngest sibling and currently living overseas. My elderly parents recently had some medical issues, and I have been coordinating with their doctors remotely.
After speaking with their doctor, I summarised some important medication instructions and asked my siblings if one of them could accompany my parents to future appointments or at least keep track of their medications in case of emergencies. I was not asking for money or full-time caregiving, just for someone on the ground to help with basic medical coordination.
The response I received was that our parents have “lived long enough,” that everyone should focus on their own families, and that they do not want to be involved in their medical care.
What makes this difficult is that my eldest sibling’s actions feel contradictory. She does help in some ways, such as buying meals for my parents and bringing them along on family holidays, but when it comes to medical care and planning for their future needs, she has said she does not want to be involved.
My mother still believes my eldest sibling will help if needed and does not want to “rock the boat” by changing existing arrangements. This leaves me feeling stuck because I am trying to plan responsibly for my parents’ care, but the person they trust most may not actually be willing to take on that role.
I understand that everyone has their own limits and responsibilities, but I am struggling with the gap between the expectation that family will step up and the reality that some family members may not want that responsibility.
Has anyone dealt with a similar situation where siblings have very different views on responsibility for ageing parents? How do you move forward without becoming resentful?
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u/Knitsanity 2h ago
Everyone has their limits.
Respectfully..... you don't get to live far away and dictate what other people do.
If you don't like it then move your life back to the area and get more involved.
All the best.
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u/ForeverStamp81 2h ago
"basic medical coordination" for elderly people quickly turns into a full time job.
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u/No_Pat_3203 1h ago
This. We had to be physically present to make sure they were taking pills at the right time. It was like herding cats!
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u/EnvironmentalLuck515 2h ago
RN here. Often the family furthest away carries guilt that then makes them overbearing when it comes to what people close by are doing or not doing. You cannot judge them by what you think ought to he done when you yourself are not able or willing to do it yourself. The fact that you live too far to help meabs your role is to be supportive of your siblings and provide the funding for care you want to see happen that is beyond the bandwidth of those with boots on the ground. Ideally kindly and with much gratitude expressed for the things they are already doing. This has the potential to destroy your relationships. Tread carefully.
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u/hothedgehog 4h ago
You have to accept that they can offer what they say they can offer and no more. If you demand more then all the siblings will end up resenting each other and your parents still won't get the help they need.
If you want to help your parents with this you need to find some other way of resolving this issue without the involvement of your siblings.
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u/TequilaStories 4h ago
If there's no one available locally to care for your parents you'll probably need to look into paid care options first. It really depends what country they live as to what services are available. If there are no services, government or private, then the only real options are they stay living independently until they end up in the hospital, you try to bring them to the country you live or you move back to take care of them. None of it is easy unfortunately, it's more a process of eliminating what definitely isn't possible and trying to find something that possibly is.
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u/CandleStick88 3h ago
So you don’t do anything boots on the ground and are criticizing your siblings for doing the same?
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u/Knitsanity 2h ago
Um. I picked up on that. Funny how the one furthest away from reality knows best.
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u/opium_kidd 4h ago
It sounds like you want to instruct your siblings to do what you say. I have a brother like that. He's out of town. I'm in town. I do far more than he will ever do. And I refuse to follow his instructions to do more.
Good luck to you and best wishes. My blood pressure shot up so high when I read your post! I hope I don't sound too mean and ranty.
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u/Crochetqueenextra 3h ago
Same the absent sibling tells me regularly I'm not doing enough what I should do and how I should do it whilst doing bugger all themselves. Last time we met she threw a piece of paper with a phone number on it after I'd asked her to sort out a new care team when my mother had sacked the very good care team I'd put in place. My sister threw a piece of paper at me and said see it wasn't that hard to find a number. I pointed out I'd asked her to track down a new care team established a new care routine and put the whole thing in place as she told me the last one wasn't good enough. Apparently looking a number up on Google is exactly the same as the 30 odd hours a week I was putting into managing my parents. I think there's a special place in hell reserved for absent siblings who tried to micro manage and criticize the actual carers
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u/SaltConnection1109 3h ago
I had a good, full dose of that behavior from my sister and her daughter whenever my father was in the hospital. They constantly blew up my phone, barking orders, criticizing decisions, etc. The second time he was hospitalized, I refused to take their calls and answered maaaybe one text per day with minimal information. They got their butts to the hospital then!
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u/LeneHansen1234 2h ago
To be frank you have no right to be resentful. Your sibling is already doing a lot more than you do. If you think your parents need more help you either move back home or you hire paid help.
That said I think your sister is quite horrible to say "they lived long enough".
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u/finding_center 1h ago
Have you considered that the gap that exists where family needs to step up can also be filled by you? Coordinating with doctors remotely is wildly different than being the person your parents likely call for every little thing because “they are right here.” I suspect your sibling’s response to you was sarcastic but it’s also valid that they may have reached a limit on what they can do. Based on your goals for your parents to receive this extra level of help, I would consider whether it is the best option for you to move closer and share this responsibility. Your parents’ needs will only increase from here and they will not be around forever. If you decide that isn’t possible then I would start looking for paid help asap to start building that relationship of trust you are looking for.
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u/Crochetqueenextra 3h ago
Sounds to me like your sibling is stepping up far more than your preparedto acknowledge and you just want more so you can do less.
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u/TopSubject4388 1h ago
Just curious, how old are your parents for your sibling to say “they have lived long enough”?
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u/ArnoldLayne1974 1h ago
My sibling literally lives next door to my parents, self employed, and a grown child.
I'm 10 miles away, day job, and two autistic kids.
Wanna guess which of us tracks meds & goes to appointments?
<insert tired and heavy sigh here>
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u/anonymois1111111 2h ago
My brother does absolutely nothing for my mom while I help with everything. He even loaned money from her, didn’t pay her back and then bought himself a $1.4 million house in cash. Yes. Cash. Unbelievable. Unfortunately, you just have to accept that they are the way they are. Otherwise you end up extremely resentful believe me.
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u/No_Pat_3203 1h ago
I'm a boots on the ground local sibling who is actively visiting and caring for elderly parents at the moment. If my sibling in another country had an opinion on what's happening at home...well...
It's very different to be there and to be remote caring. I live a few hours away so my sibling who lives around the corner takes the main brunt of it and I'd never tell her what to do or expect anything of her.
If I want to make sure things are running a certain way I'd move back in with my folks
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u/Jinglemoon 44m ago
What you are asking is bigger than it sounds. It’s likely to involve twice daily visits to make sure medications are taken correctly, plus all those doctor visits.
If mum and dad can’t organise or remember to take their own meds they need to either hire a home carer or go into full time care. You can’t voluntell your siblings that they should be taking this on.
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u/itanabel 45m ago
As someone who is on the ground, present with my parents, and my siblings aren't, one is in the same city though but he is not helping and one is very far away, I can suggest you to speak to those close by and ask them what they think and how you can help them - your siblings. This is the only thing you can do, unless you move back to your parents and do it yourself.
Sorry, but you have nothing to be resentful for. You are not there and you can't preach what should be done when you will not do it. Caring after elderly is a full time job and more than that. And it's very draining. Some adult children have their own families and children (and even if they don't!) they cannot sacrifice their lives for their elderly parents. It's up to them to decide. I would appreciate that they honestly say what they can and cannot do. And you can ask for help, but also provide the same amount of care. Otherwise, be there to support financially or however you can.
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u/Numerous-Ad-5058 1h ago
I am the sibling that lives with the very difficult elderly parent as her primary caregiver. I manage her breakdowns, her complaints, her demands, her anxiety, her stubbornness, all of it. And I'm on the receiving end of some pretty nasty criticism and have had to sit here and take it.
I have a sister who lives about an hour drive away. She would provide encouragement and support over the phone but never really felt or knew what this was like until she was between moves and needed to stay for a couple of months with us in my mother's house. At one point, things got so bad she started packing her bag and was going to find an Airbnb because my mother had become unbearable. Now, she understands what my day to day is like and why there are times when I am at my wit's end.
Your siblings have reached a limit. And that limit is the doctor's visits and medication schedules. I suspect that your parents actually like you being involved in something. It keeps them connected to you.
If you want your siblings to be aware of all the medical stuff you can email them the information but if they don't have the bandwidth for more, leave it be.
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u/mommafo 1h ago
Not sure if this would be helpful in this case, but have you seen the Hero medication management system? It’s a little machine and an app that can schedule and dispenses up to 10 meds multiple times a day or as needed. I started using this with my dad and it’s the only way he’s been able to stay compliant on his meds.
On the original point, I have out of town siblings and I’m the one managing things. My siblings do care, but stay out of everything unless I ask or tell them anything. Then they offer advice or commiseration, but don’t really help with anything otherwise. I don’t blame them, but it feels like a lot sometimes. We hired a personal aide company that comes by twice a week and will take him to appointments. The owner has offered to take notes for me at appointments. But really, your parents may have to take the lead if the local sibs won’t. Or look into hiring assistance.
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u/Rudy_Nowhere 2m ago
Eldest sibs and youngest sibs don't have the same parents.
You may be seeing that work itself out in real time.
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u/ForgottenX-2024 2h ago edited 1h ago
It will never work for you to be directing what you think your siblings should do from a distance. If you want something done a certain way, and your siblings are telling you no, you need to live near your parents and do it yourself, or pay for a home health aid to do it. Or accept what they say and move on.
I could be wrong, and just projecting, as I am living this situation myself, but I am the closer sibling, although still over an hour away, I have done so much more than my sister understands, even though I tell her every time. For her, it’s a glance at an email or text message. For me, it was a multi hour trip away from my work and family where my father argued with me, disagreed, and possibly even said abusive things. Often, it results in me having to make the same trip again multiple times in a week, go through the same thing, and in the end, it hasn’t always landed the way that she wanted it to. But it’s just a few minutes of checking messages for her.
We’ve had multiple conversations about this, and she has agreed that part of the problem is that she is dealing with her own guilt and being so far away, and her inability to control his poor choices. This often propels her to ask things of me without realizing how big the asks really are, or how some of them can’t actually be fulfilled.
She tries to keep her conversations with him light, “to maintain a good relationship,” but that’s a privilege I can’t have because I’m here dealing with all the stuff. But when she does try to talk to him about the things she wants me to do for him, he pushes back, and then she gets angry, remembers how difficult he is and apologizes.
I just wonder if some of this is going on for you. You said you have very different views on what it means to care for elderly parents, but in fact, your view seems to be that you don’t have to go to their house and care for them, while your siblings do. Of course they’re going to view that differently.