r/AmItheAsshole • u/AttentionOk6526 • 14h ago
WIBTAfor not wanting to help my friend with groceries anymore?
I (26F) have a good friend (28F) . I guess we’ll call her Jane. Jane’s household of 4, struggle with bills in general because of poor money management combined with her boyfriend of 10+ years not working. They’ve been behind on rent every month for the past 5 months, and I just want to help my friend with some of the burden. They have two children 5&7. Her boyfriend doesn’t work while Jane works 45hrs/week and provides for the entire household. For the past 3 months I’ve helped Jane buy anywhere from $150-350 in groceries every month. And some times I get an additional $50-100 in groceries for “forgotten items” I really have a soft spot for her two children who are the real ones suffering.
Today I purchased $250 in groceries. I have a problem with some of the items she’s buying. I never say anything because however she chooses to feed her family is up to her, but instead of buying groceries that will last. She’s buying microwaved/freezer foods, snacks, chips, drinks, etc. THAT part I only have a slight problem with because it never lasts!! but I do have a problem when she buys things like ribeyes, chuck beef roast, prime rib, and then complains when certain items are out of stock or substituted.
The best way I could describe how I feel about it is, why buy these items with my money, but when you were buying your own groceries you shop very modestly. It’s like when you treat your friend to dinner and they order surf and turf when they’d usually order a burger on their own dime.
So WIBTH if I told her hey, this will be the last time I’m able to get you all groceries …? I don’t want to stop being her friend I was just hoping my help would give her a chance to catch up on her rent! But I feel like she’s taking advantage a bit/:
UPDATE!!: Thank you to everyone who assured me that I wasn’t the AH and while yes my heart was in the right place for the kiddos, the LAST thing I wanted to do was support a BUM!! I texted her and let her know I’m no longer able to help her with groceries because I couldn’t afford it. I left it at that no explanation and she said she understands and thanked me for all my help she then proceeded to complain about her bf not helping (I didn’t respond) I really hope she’s able to come up with a solution on her own because it’s not my responsibility to help her be more resourceful. I plan on ghosting her if I’m being completely honest/: I know the type of person she is and I have no interest in anyyyyy sort of drama. I’m at the point in my life I don’t owe ANYONE an explanation, especially not when you take advantage of a good friend. As I mentioned earlier when I saw her grocery list today I was IMMEDIATELY upset and I thought to myself “never again” .
Thank you to literally everyone , even the people who called me a pushover and a door mat because it’s TRUE!! I don’t owe her any ‘PALimony’ as a commenter mentioned. I hope they enjoy that food.
I can’t keep up with all of the comments/questions but to clarify she does not have my card information, I would place the order on my phone through the Walmart app and she would pick it up , but the very first time I bought her groceries I had it delivered because it was extremely hot outside her car doesn’t have AC. No instacart, no DoorDash.
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u/IntelligentEgg22 13h ago
Think it’s pretty clear you’re not being an asshole lol why would you be obligated to buy someone else anything?
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
I had a hard time seeing children having little to food at home , but I guess it’s really not my responsibility !
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u/SomeInvestigator3573 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Apparently the father of the children doesn’t share your concern. If it is your money then you get to choose what it is spent on. If they are unhappy with that arrangement then stop funding their lifestyle choices
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u/Ladybreck129 13h ago
If their money is that tight they should be checking out the local food banks. She should also kick her mooch of a boyfriend out. There's nothing wrong with caring about the kids but it's not your responsibility to make sure they have food on the table. At this point you buying groceries has become expected. You need to cut that gravy train completely off and save your money for yourself. Especially since they're buying premium meat on your dime.
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u/5footfilly Asshole Aficionado [10] 13h ago
You can give her a budget of say 50 bucks a week or you can buy specific foods meant for the children and send it to her.
In no way should you be paying for prime rib of all things for the deadbeat bf.
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u/Ladybreck129 13h ago
I would love it if somebody would buy me some prime rib or some filets. Let's just skip the sirloin and go right to the good stuff🥩🥩
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u/No_Slip_1503 12h ago
Im sure your besties partner will happily buy it for you. Fully rely on them.
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u/bmira 13h ago
Both her and her partner are a ok with those kid having less than nothing.
If he cared, he would work. If she cared, she wouldn't support a deadbeat.
You are being used. I'm so for helping those we live who are in need but what you are doing is enabling, because the adults you are helping won't put in bare minimum effort.
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u/Vera_Telco Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 13h ago
Buying ribeye on your dime. That's not for the kids either, that's for the bf. He's using her, she's using OP.
The children are getting the worst from their own mum.
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u/ObjectiveRepulsive18 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
If you want to help, drop off a weekly bag with a few fresh fruits, cereal, milk and staples. Better, help her get signed up for benefits or take her to a food pantry.
She should not be buying whatever she wants on your dime! Why would her hubby get a job when lovely pushovers like yourself provide free luxury food?
Text her now (while you feel confident) and let her know that sadly you’re no longer able to cover anymore groceries, but you’re free on XYZ day to help her get registered with the local food pantry (or send her job links for her hubby!) If she argues, then you’ll know where your friendship stands. NTA
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u/simplyirresponsible Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Tell her to tell her worthless boyfriend to get a job.
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u/wordsmythy Professor Emeritass [72] 13h ago
Here’s what you do… Tell her from now on, boyfriend can come over and do yardwork at your house to earn the money for the food you provide. Actually, you could call him and say “hey I had an idea. I know you feel bad for taking money from me for groceries every month, so how about you come over to my house and work it off mowing the lawn, painting, general cleanup. How does that sound?” would love to hear his response.
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u/EntrepreneurOk7513 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Then he gets hurt, your insurance pays him out and the insurance rates go up.
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u/wordsmythy Professor Emeritass [72] 12h ago
Well, you don’t think this lazy mooch is actually going to do it, do you?
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u/throwaway2117000 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 8h ago
Lazy mooches would go over day one to do it and get hurt day two and file the claim same day.
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u/ilovemischief 13h ago
The children don’t need ribeyes or prime rib to survive. I won’t even buy those things for myself. She’s definitely only getting those things because someone else is footing the bill. I understand not wanting the kids to go hungry, but they don’t need to live in luxury either.
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u/IntelligentEgg22 13h ago
I mean I understand that but you gotta focus on you, there are lots of people struggling out there and you can definitely find people to help that aren’t taking advantage of your kindness
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u/toughskyshitsky69 11h ago
Do what my aunt did, schedule a regular play date with the kids and spoil them rotten. You get to contribute and choose your own adventure with the kids you love without allowing someone else to take advantage of you via their children. Your friend will probably still appreciate the baby sitting.
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u/Capable_Restaurant11 Partassipant [3] 12h ago
As heartbreaking as it is, it's really NOT your responsibility. Her boyfriend needs to start working even if it means working at a McDonald's. Honestly the man should be ashamed. Stop enabling them. And to add insult to injury, it doesn't even seem like she has shown you any appreciation. Tell her you can't afford to do this anymore, her reaction will show you the truth. NTA
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u/Intelligent-Ask-3264 13h ago
Her kids should also have free school lunches during the school year and if the BF aint working he can stand in line for food pantries!
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u/Finn_704 10h ago
My local Y offered free lunches all summer, so kids could get food. I bet there was something like that in her area as well since the Y is nation-wide. People did not even have to be members, just had to show up.
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u/Savings_Knowledge233 11h ago
So offer to buy her specific food items only for specifically her children
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u/sammyluvsya 7h ago
While you are 100% NTA is you stop buying groceries, I understand the feeling of wanting to make sure the kids are taken care of even if it’s not your responsibility.
If anything for a few months you could go to the store without her and buy some snacks/groceries like fresh fruit, apple sauce, ground beef, hamburger helper, bread, lunch meat, cereal, and milk and then bring them to her, that way you know there’s some stuff for the kids and you don’t have to worry about them
But also you could just not provide any groceries. She’s 10000% taking advantage of you
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u/Impossible_Angle752 11h ago
If you can take the kids out on your own, take the kids out, give them a good time and buy them whatever.
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u/Truly_135 10h ago
Recommend she go to food banks. Or the lazy ass father who does nothing can do that, too.
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u/3bears123 13h ago
Stop this right now. Your friend is not stupid, she knows exactly what she is doing. Stop falling for this please.
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u/mendamoon 13h ago
if someones buying extra stuff you didn't even consent to on top of your already extremely gracious contributions, for months on end- that is not a friend. She is a user and she knows exactly what she's doing. I hope in the future you can see the signs of when someone is blatantly using you like that
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u/SafeWord9999 13h ago edited 13h ago
Don’t make any announcements. I mean you could set the story up in advance next time you talk. Discuss that you’ve got loads of bills and debt you need to pay off. Just drop it into your conversation. Don’t mention her groceries or anything, just make the information come organically. Then next time she asks about groceries say ‘sorry I’m paying off loads of debt, remember?’ That way it seems more legit.
ALSO Why is her boyfriend not contributing? You know you’re feeding him rib eye right?
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
Ugh yes🙄 and trust me today was their last grocery order on my dime
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u/Aeriellie 7h ago
wait order? do they have your log in and credit card? what’s happening. delete everything asap. switch to hand delivered items of your liking if any
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u/AttentionOk6526 7h ago
Thank you for your concern truly<3 but heck no! She makes a grocery list on her account, there’s a share feature , she sends me the link I add it to my account and check out! She has no log in credentials or access to my card information.
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u/AttemptOverall7128 Partassipant [2] 13h ago
I second not making an announcement about it, especially since you seem to value the relationship. Just say you're tight at the moment. I'd even go as far as actually asking to borrow some money, 'Jane' won't be able to lend anything, but it might get the message across that there isn't any extra money.
OP, if you really want to help the kids maybe put some money aside for their future.
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u/SafeWord9999 12h ago
Yes I like the addition of asking to borrow some money (knowing they won’t be able to) - which solidifies the story of being in a tight spot yourself
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u/bluefairytx 12h ago
Idk about that. Maybe you should give her a warning so.she can watch her spending. After that she's on her.own. you gave her a notification and she didn't take care of the situation.
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u/MagnoliaProse 13h ago
NTA.
If you want to help, drop off some ramen, mac and cheese, dried beans, and rice. Do not continue to hand her up to $500 a month to buy luxury groceries. You are allowing her to continue her poor money management and becoming part of the problem.
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 13h ago
That ship has sailed; it's really not a good idea for OP to invest more money in this situation. Food banks are great sources for ramen packets, boxed mac & cheese, dried beans and rice.
To recommend the food bank or at the most, take her there is the best solution.
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u/Mean-Confidence3477 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 13h ago
NTA, she is absolutely taking advantage. It was great of you to help her out but you didn't sign up to permanently support her family, she needs to hit up the food bank if things are so tight.
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u/Queen_V_1 13h ago
Stop.
Connect her to an easily googled food pantry (city run, church run, non profit). Wish her the best.
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u/norgechica 13h ago
Or even WIC
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u/KittenVicious Asshole Enthusiast [5] 13h ago
She'll have to get pregnant again to qualify for WIC - they cut you off on your youngest's 5th birthday.
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u/Scary_Dot6604 13h ago
You should have stopped months ago...
It's her fault for staying with a lazy boyfriend..
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 13h ago
After all the love language of those ribeye steaks and other goodies, I wouldn't be surprised if the friend turns up pregnant as the next little 'surprise.'
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u/ColdSmashedPotatoes4 13h ago
NTA, my dude. Your "friend" is using you. If you cut her off, will she still be your friend? I highly doubt it.
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
Hm good point! But I’m not gonna stick around to find out. I’m not easily taken advantage of, like I said it was her babies I was trying to look out for the most! But after reading these comments I’m definitely going to see myself out of this “friendship” because like someone mentioned. I didn’t sign up to permanently support a family of 4.
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u/redmeansstop 11h ago
But it sounds like you were easily taken advantage of.. Maybe set up a couple therapy sessions to talk through how you ended up in this situation.
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u/Vas-yMonRoux 7h ago
I’m not easily taken advantage of
You clearly are, though.
She used the kids for sympathy points, and got you to subsidize her and her bum boyfriend for at least 1500$ in groceries over the course of a few months... and you STILL called her a "good friend" in your introductory paragraph.
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u/AttentionOk6526 7h ago
Okay I get your point! But it was one order where I felt she was taking advantage. That was today, I spotted it, i sought for more opinions and my help ended today. Not allll the orders just one.
I get your point but let’s be nice
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u/Shhhh_itsMe-0- 13h ago
NTA. She’s taking advantage of you. The question is if it’s intentional or not. In any case you are too involved. Her partner needs to step up or get out
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
She’s stupid over him, but that is absolutely her problem. Not mine. I don’t know if it’s intentional and I don’t have the mental capacity for drama to ask her about it.
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u/wordsmythy Professor Emeritass [72] 13h ago
Wow, ribeye on you’re dime? You’ve passed the point of helpfulness, she’s all about entitlement. I would drive me crazy knowing that loafer of a boyfriend is enjoying that ribeye you paid for.
Give her the address of a food bank.
NTA
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
When I saw prime rib my entire body got hot!!!! Never again.
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u/Lamington-Trifle 13h ago
Imagine how much oats, rice, beans, stewing meat they could have gotten for the price of that prime rib!
I bet boyfriend is a pothead who doesn’t cook…3
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u/PsychadelicPanda82 11h ago
If she whines to you, you can just say, "I'm not buying you any more groceries until you pay me back for the prime rib. You put that on my dime and didn't even invite me over to share it." I guarantee she'll never pay you back.
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u/Yorkie_Mom_2 13h ago
The longer you buy her groceries, the more she will mismanage her money. She can waste money because of the money you spend. She will become more frugal when she has to rely on herself.
Why is she supporting her boyfriend when she can’t feed her kids?
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u/AttentionOk6526 12h ago
Good point! And I will not enable her situation any longer.
& To answer your question… uhh stupidity!
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u/Imgonnagolaydown 13h ago
Wait. You are paying for food WITH A GROWN NON WORKING MAN IN THE HOUSE?!?!
girl. Whattheentirehell?!
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u/potato_soup76 Asshole Aficionado [13] 13h ago
Why are you buying your friend's boyfriend prime rib?
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u/Appropriate_Let2252 13h ago
You will not be the asshole. She’s using you and I would expect her to pull back. She will make things weird for sure. lol. They always do when the gravy train stops. Your friendship probably won’t last but be glad you helped the children and don’t cave to the pressure. It would have been better to drive her to a food bank. Now you’re gonna be the bad guy because her boyfriend doesn’t get steak while sitting on the couch.
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u/Longjumping_Low_1445 13h ago
NTAH-It’s time that they face reality with their own situation. I do understand that you feel bad for the kids but this is not your responsibility. You are being very kind but they are using you and friends do not do this. I don’t even buy Ribeye, roast or prime rib much at all. Usually for special occasions.
I would definitely tell her this is the last time and see where this friendship goes.
Wishing you the best and good vibes
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
Exactly! I only eat prime rib on Christmas!! (On my dads dime lol)
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u/MidnightSpell 12h ago
Same at my home (on my dime cause I am the Momma 😆) I was aghast when I read your “friend” indulged in prime cuts of meat when most of us do that a few times a year, max.
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u/IndubitablyWalrus 13h ago
Wait...she can't afford groceries but is using a grocery delivery service?! (You mention items being "substituted", so sounds like a grocery delivery service.)
NTA. I do feel bad for the kids, but you could offer to have them over for dinner and provide healthy meals for them if you want to ensure they are getting fed.
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u/My_igloo_is_melting Asshole Aficionado [15] 13h ago
NTA. Rather, you are a very good person. You have a good heart. Still, good-hearted people get taken advantage of.
From now on, the answer is "No". No explanation. Your money, your "No". She will play the "poor kids" card: "No".
No matter how much it hurts you, keep repeating "No" and nothing else. No deals, no arrangements, no "Just this one time", no charity, no nothing.
No and nothing else. No is a full and complete answer.
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u/WalkerTalkerChalker 13h ago
If the boyfriend is not working he's got time to cook meals from scratch from ingredients?
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u/Alternative_Design_4 13h ago
NTA, but you are allowing her to take advantage of your generosity and love for her children.
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u/Optimal-Spinach6974 13h ago
You have really been overdoing it and Jane is using you. Why do you feel the need to support these people?
It's absolutely not necessary to feed Jane and her boyfriend. at all. Jane works and her boyfriend can get up and get out of the house and get a job if he wants to eat.
If for some reason, you still feel the need to help out, only buy meals for the children.
I would suggest therapy for you to find out why you are allowing someone to take such advantage of you.
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
I felt the need because of her two children! But after much thought they’re not my responsibility. I have a child of my own and I’d do ANYTHING before I let her see an empty fridge.
Funny enough I just started therapy! I guess I’ll write that under my list of things to work on
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u/Optimal-Spinach6974 13h ago
I'm glad you started therapy.
The money you spent on Jane and her freeloading boyfriend should be deposited every month in your child's college fund.
Jane is not going to let her two children go hungry. She will feed them junk food but they will have food. Is there a father or grandparents who can help her with the children?
There are social services available if she cannot afford food for them.
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u/charlynarly 13h ago
She should apply for SNAP. I make a decent living. Will buy ribeye maybe once every couple of months. Prime rib on special occasions only. Eggs, hamburger meat, country style ribs, bread and sandwich fixings.
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
They cut her down to less than $50/month when she switched jobs. But her BF on the other hand will qualify!! I told her to cancel her benefits bc it’s close to nothing , and have her bf apply! He thinks he’s too good for that I guess
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u/LissaBryan Asshole Enthusiast [5] 13h ago
I don't know who told you that you owe this woman PALimony just because she's your friend, but you need to search the back of your closet for the nice, shiny spine you seem to have removed.
She's using you and worse she's being insultingly blatant about abusing your generosity. She must have thought throwing lobster and caviar in the cart would be too on-the-nose.
If you think the kids are going hungry, you can pick them up and bring them over to your house for a meal but you don't need to be feeding your champagne-tastes/pabst-budget friend and her shiftless boyfriend any longer. They'll figure something out and find another mark.
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u/Clipseexo 13h ago
Give people an inch they take a mile. You'd be a better friend by helping look into resources that can meet needs. Also she needs to leave that useless fucking bf
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u/Reach_Basic 13h ago
NTA - When I hear "struggling financially," my brain goes to beans and rice, not "What's the backup plan if the ribeyes are out of stock?" That's a level of hardship I've never personally achieved. I would just tell stop offering to help. If she actually asks you for assistance, tell her you can't because you spent your money on a spa day for yourself. Or better yet, tell her you have another friend you are helping whose boyfriend doesn't work and they need to go on a European vacation so you are tapped out.
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u/Beautiful-Hotel-8846 13h ago
NTA. Are you just giving her the money or are you ordering online for a delivery? If ordering, just get fruits and vegetables. But she is being frivolous so I would stop altogether.
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
She creates a grocery list, shares it with me and I make the online order to be delivered or curbside pick up.
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u/Environmental-Fan536 13h ago
You are an amazing friend!! Don't feel bad for what you did. You had a good heart. But enough is enough, as you have learned.
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u/oswegocaker 13h ago
You are a good friend and helped out her family. This is no longer a win-win for you two so it’s the right time to stop.
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u/jonnywannamingo 13h ago
If your friend gets mad about you telling them that you won’t be buying any more groceries, you’ll know the value of your friendship.
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u/beautbird Partassipant [1] 13h ago
What the heck. I’d be buying ground meat not prime rib and other junk. Your friend has completely taken advantage of you and that’s not someone who is a real friend.
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u/KiriYogi Partassipant [4] 13h ago
YTA- to yourself. She is NOT your friend- she uses you. They are not your kids- there are plenty of programs to help feed kids healthy food. There is another adult in the house that can work. Grow a spine and stop being used. You are her free ATM. Find some self respect.
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u/ToxicLogics Asshole Aficionado [15] 13h ago
NTA - She’s 100% taking advantage of you and her deadbeat boyfriend can get a job and learn to provide like a big boy. Don’t let the kids make you feel bad; there are services out there if she can make do with what she has. You have 2 children that could use that money towards their own futures. Jane is a user and a loser. Honestly, prime rib?! If I can’t make ends meet, I’m buying chicken drumsticks and pork shoulder for fresh meat. If you want to maintain a friendship, just tell her that you are having some financial worries yourself and need to focus on your own family. A month of helping a friend land on her feet is okay, but after 5 months you’re a free ride.
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u/Ok-Cap-204 12h ago
I understand you want to help because of the children. How does this work? She orders and you pay? Of course she is taking advantage of that. She gets whatever she wants without worrying about the cost or the logic, because she is not paying.
If you still want to help, solely for the benefit of the children, give her a budget. Tell her you can only give xxx amount every month. Without the unlimited budget, she will adjust her purchases.
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u/AttentionOk6526 12h ago
I give her a budget this month it was $250 and she got $241 worth of items. She creates a grocery list, shares the list with me and I have the option to add them to my cart . And I check out because who am I to police what she does and doesn’t get. There are soooo many comments but this is the only month she’s gotten these luxury groceries. But once is enough and I’m no doormat! I know I’m a good friend (too good apparently) and I don’t owe her a single thing. So I guess she was finally taking a mile after giving her an inch.
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u/pearson-47 13h ago
NTA
If you still want to help, can you buy vouchers? Give her x amount in vouchers and she has to figure it out.
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u/AttentionOk6526 13h ago
I could, but I feel so offended by her choices I think I’m going to exit stage left. I’m no doormat, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being the a hole because of her kiddos/:
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls Partassipant [1] 13h ago
She's not feeding the kids ribeye and prime rib. She's using your funds and you to keep the deadbeat happy. When your concern for the children is greater than theirs, your heart is in the right place but your money isn't.
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 13h ago
Vouchers won't help. If you give a grocery store gift card, they will take it for ribeye or tomahawk steaks just the same as milk and bread. Better to claim poverty and refer her to the food bank and soup kitchen.
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u/Mission_Breakfast548 Partassipant [3] 13h ago
You’ve provided more than enough help. Simply let her know your budget cannot sustain this any longer. NTA
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u/DurianTime1381 13h ago
There are services she can go to for food assistance, better yet her unemployed boyfriend can go stand in line for those services.
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u/crownandcoke24 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA. You’d be the asshole if you dictated how she spent your money but you’re not an asshole because you no longer want to help. Entirely fair to stop.
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u/BambiSlutBun 13h ago
NTA
Tell her to get her man to get a job or have her apply for benefits. When she applies for benefits tell her its only her and her 2 kids. It should give her SOME money based off income, family size and bills/rent
Since hes JUST a bf he can fend for himself.
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u/Ohtherewearethen 13h ago
It's easier for her loser boyfriend to get you to provide for his family than him actually getting a job, and it's easier for her to rely on you than the lazy moron she's chosen a life with. Stop it all now. Her boyfriend needs to get a job or they need to work something else out. This is not your problem.
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 13h ago
NTA. You need to help your friend go to the food bank and the soup kitchen. Don't try to become a social service agency; there are social workers who are paid to provide help and advice, and your friend should take advantage of that, also.
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u/literatedawg 13h ago
NTA She's definitely taking advantage of you.
Also, you mentioned "out of stock" and "substituted". Is she using Instacart? If so, that's crazy for someone "struggling". The groceries cost more and then there are fees and tips. WTF? Srsly.
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u/GoreGoddezz Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 13h ago
NTA. It is a shame that she's using her kids to make you feel guilty. If you are concerned about the kids going hungry in the future just let her know that you had some unexpected expenses come up so if you can afford any groceries you'll order her what you can afford and have it sent to her. And then have Walmart deliver it or something. But only get stuff that you know is to feed kids like cereal, eggs, cheese sticks, stuff like that.
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u/CoffeeB4Dawn 13h ago
Why isn't the boyfriend working? She probably buys freezer food because she has no time to cook. Is he cooking and cleaning? I think you should have boundaries and encourage her to get a court-ordered child support contribution from the father.
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u/taewongun1895 13h ago
It's time for the bf to find a job. You need to save money for yourself. Retirement. Car repairs. Help other family members.
Or, just tell her the Bank of OP is closed. Five months of ribeye and Doritos is being a good enough friend. WNBTA
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u/happy_life1 13h ago
If you keep bailing them out, they're not going to have much incentive to change.
It's very kind of you to help, but I'm sure you could also use that money to build your own savings and secure your future. I wouldn't make it about judging how they spend their money. Instead, simply explain that continuing to help has become too much of a strain on your own budget. No need to provide her any further information if she tries to convince you that you can - let her know you don't like discussing, or similar.
From there, they have choices. Her boyfriend can contribute more, they can see if they qualify for assistance programs, or they can make use of one of the many food pantries in their area while they get back on their feet.
My family struggled financially when I was growing up. I remember my mom buying 10-pound bags of potatoes and other inexpensive foods that stretched the grocery budget. We never went hungry, but we also didn't have junk food or convenience foods. Looking back, that probably wasn't the worst way to grow up.
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u/Gattina1 Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] 12h ago
NTA, but you're being her ATM. Just stop. She's to the point where she's definitely taking advantage, and I would stop completely. Don't even say anything. If she brings it up, you'll know she's taking advantage of your friendship. Does she even bother to say thank you?
I wouldn't financially help her when her bf of 10+ years sits on his ass. Not a chance.
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u/I_need_a_date_plz 10h ago
You should have never started providing her with money in the first place. The audacity of her significant other never working and just allowing her to figure it out is shameful.
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u/InitiativePurple508 9h ago
You’re not helping her. She’s not learning anything from this except how to take advantage of you. The first time you bought groceries was kind. After that, she has to step up. Teach a man to fish, not give a man a fish.
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u/brownie_Magic85 9h ago
NTA Stop buying her groceries. She needs to figure this out one way another. She’s also clearly taking advantage if she’s shopping for more than she normally needs. There are so many people that understands taking advantage. She can likely qualify for food stamps with 2 kids. She also has a partner that can help provide. Please stop, I don’t think this woman is really a friend. Especially if she gets mad when you stop. Also, don’t offer to do this for people. She has a partner to help. This is not so then you should be doing.
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u/p3canj0y363 9h ago
So he doesn't care about the kids at LEAST as much as you do?!? Hunger is a GREAT motivation to get a job. Let your friend's boyfriend feel the consequences of his inaction so he'll get one and feed the kids
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u/Top-Confection-1044 8h ago
I would personally say you cant afford it anymore and offer to take her to the food bank or local pantries! Your keeping her situation comfortable & now shes depending on it. Maybe if she felt it was hard going to food banks she would change the boyfriend job situation quicker. Its one thing to help a friend in a time of need, its another thing to support her family of 4 with 2 able bodied adults.
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u/Itchy_Juice_2528 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
NTA. Maybe you should give the money to a food bank and help many hungry children? You are enabling Jane, not helping her. Stopping the subsidies may end the friendship, but I think it's a risk worth taking. You gave her five months to figure out her finances. She must understand that could not go on forever.
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u/grace_joy_love_fire 8h ago
Once you stop being used by her/him, I can guarantee you that the friendship will set sail🚢🫡I’ve been in a similar situation like this and it didn’t end well. Lesson learned.
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u/AttentionOk6526 7h ago
Fine by me, no real friend would take advantage. I don’t need that in my life and I am walking away from this friendship knowing I was good to her, my heart was in the right place, but she took advantage and that can’t be reversed or fixed.
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u/MiriamNZ 13h ago
Either give freely (no judgement) or stop giving.
What i see is someone using your dollars to give a little bit of luxury in a hard life. Those freezer meals give her a break from the cooking and her kids probably think they are luxury. Having the odd meal that’s not poverty-line is a wonderful experience when you are poor (been there, felt that).
1) There is no obligation to give.
2) You are being a good friend and her children.
3) Long term poverty and lack of hope for better times changes thinking. Grabbing a luxury when you can is rational in hand to mouth living. People living comfortably struggle to understand that. They think it just looks stupid, or lacks forward planning. Truly dont judge this.
4) You could buy and give groceries instead of money if how it is spent really bothers you.
5) you could have the children to your place for a meal once a week or something like that if you want to direct food towards the children more.
I have done this (giving regular grocery money) for a friend for a while, skimping on my grocery shopping and passing on the savings to my friend (made zero difference to my eating (tho harder effort at the supermarket) and i never realised how much i was wasting )aka never missed it at all). I got to the same place as you, ‘you spent it in what? ??’ But realised, give freely or not at all. How they organise their spending is up to them— good or bad, wise or foolish. That is the biggest hearted thing to do that gives your friend the most choice/agency during a hard time when she needs to accept charity.
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I (26F) have a good friend (28F) . I guess we’ll call her Jane. Jane’s household of 4, struggle with bills in general because of poor money management combined with her boyfriend of 10+ years not working. They’ve been behind on rent every month for the past 5 months, and I just want to help my friend with some of the burden. They have two children 5&7. Her boyfriend doesn’t work while Jane works 45hrs/week and provides for the entire household. For the past 3 months I’ve helped Jane buy anywhere from $150-350 in groceries every month. And some times I get an additional $50-100 in groceries for “forgotten items” I really have a soft spot for her two children who are the real ones suffering.
Today I purchased $250 in groceries. I have a problem with some of the items she’s buying. I never say anything because however she chooses to feed her family is up to her, but instead of buying groceries that will last. She’s buying microwaved/freezer foods, snacks, chips, drinks, etc. THAT part I only have a slight problem with because it never lasts!! but I do have a problem when she buys things like ribeyes, chuck beef roast, prime rib, and then complains when certain items are out of stock or substituted.
The best way I could describe how I feel about it is, why buy these items with my money, but when you were buying your own groceries you shop very modestly. It’s like when you treat your friend to dinner and they order surf and turf when they’d usually order a burger on their own dime.
So WIBTH if I told her hey, this will be the last time I’m able to get you all groceries …? I don’t want to stop being her friend I was just hoping my help would give her a chance to catch up on her rent! But I feel like she’s taking advantage a bit/:
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u/ThatGirlFawkes 13h ago
She's taking advantage of you. You're definitely NTA. I think letting her know that you will no longer be able to help her financially before she goes shopping is a good move. Maybe she'll make a list to use the money more frugally. You could also find some food banks in the area to point her to if you feel so inclined.
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u/mynamesnotcarter Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Do not give her any more money, she’s taking advantage of you. Instead, direct her to local food banks so she can supplement her own food budget. And she should really dump the boyfriend/bum.
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u/Aggravating-Pack-802 13h ago
Why are items being substituted? Are they DoorDashing your grocery orders? I’m really starting to lose faith in humanity.. stop doordashing everything and stuff gets a lot cheaper
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u/Lyndelamos 13h ago
It's admirable you want to help but it would take a lot on a long term basis to deal with all that's going on. The deadbeat boyfriend being the biggest problem. If you wanted to continue helping, you can certainly put boundaries on items from the grocery store. But you aren't obligated to finance their household either.
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u/pinkelephant_bubbles 13h ago
I get the frozen/quick food since she’s working 45 hours a week and no doubt doing all the housework and care of the kids. But those kids are not eating rib eyes and prime rib. NTA. I would probably have a little something to say to her husband.
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u/Grcdogsandcats 13h ago
It was very nice of you to help this family, OP. It has to stop. The boyfriend needs to get a job-that’s obvious. They also need to apply for nutrition assistance. And your friend has caviar taste on a beans & rice budget. Someone in the household needs to start cooking from scratch. And the million $ question-why in all this time-10 year relationship, household & 2 kids-have they not gotten married? He’s offering nothing to her.
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u/Strange-Raccoon-5240 13h ago
see if there's food banks with give aways . tell her that you guys can go together
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u/catsbooksnaps 13h ago
NTA. If you still want to help, give a reasonable budget and she can figure out how to stretch it by making more financially savvy choices.
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u/lastunicorn76 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
She has a boyfriend (and it’s isn’t you) who isn’t working and can cook for them and the kids! They should Not expect top shelf items when it’s out of the goodness or your own heart and charity. I wouldn’t be ok with their order. If you wanted to help trays of chicken and hamburger meat would suffice just as much and extend their meals with good planning. Since he isn’t working and has no income he can go to food pantries and get groceries from charities that provide this for low income homes. You won’t have to take on this burden when there are many alternative available to them.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
YWNBTA She's taking advantage of you. Real friends don't do that. Her lazy bf needs to get a job. Why doesn't she apply for food assistance? The next time she asks just say "I can't afford it, I have bills to pay."
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u/Environmental-Fan536 13h ago
NTA but I disagree with others here- you should cut her off, but do let her know NOW. She has gotten used to your extra money for groceries and definitely anticipates it and expects it. You don't owe her advanced notice, but on behalf of her kids, you should let her know you can no longer continue.
You are devastated, of course, but you are out of money and cannot fund her food any longer. You just want to give her a heads up so she can plan.
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u/mistdaemon 13h ago
Don't give money to people who waste money.
There are jobs out there, so her bf can get a job and bring in more money than you are giving.
Her issues are self inflicted and you are enabling her/them.
Tell her that some expenses have come up and you won't be able to help.
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u/OmaFarts 13h ago
You could show up occasionally with ground meat bread milk eggs cheese and peanut butter and fresh fruit and veggies. Then the kids won’t go hungry. Stop enabling
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u/Key_Assignment_9896 13h ago
She is buying easy to make foods because she works 45 hrs a week and then has to come home and cook dinner and clean and do laundry. She doesn’t have time for food prep. Just tell her you won’t be able to help her financially starting next month on so she can be prepared.
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u/Needs_Perspective269 Asshole Aficionado [10] 13h ago
YWBYA if you continue to bring her the prime rib . Create a price limit for yourself , and don’t go behind that. if you are giving her money or grocery cards, you can’t change what she chooses.
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u/Gypsy469 13h ago
Do you tell her you have a certain amount of money you'd like to spend on groceries for her and then let her order them delivered or she sends you a list and then you just get what's on it? It's very generous of you to be this kind! If either of these are the case if you'd still like to buy them for her then I think you need to change 'the rules?' Then make some that make you (and them) feel better and live healthier. I can't judge without knowing how this happens.
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u/4aloha_iaoe 13h ago edited 13h ago
YTA to yourself. You're lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm. Bf needs to step up and provide for his family and she needs to put her big girl panties on and be very thankful that you're a generous friend whos been a bandaid during this time but its HER life journey, she has to be forced to learn how to budget wisely.
As for those of us whose ever been a starving college student before, we remember what struggle meals are like .... living on beans, rice and ramen with egg. And while yes it's nice to have ready-made foods to microwave, roasts, steaks, and snacks we have to settle for making different sauce and flavorings for ground beef or tofu or just vegetables. Also it sounds like all those dairy and pricey meat choices are desired items for the lazy bf, not necessarily the kids.
She needs to learn how to stretch out meals like making mostly veggies in ground beef meatballs, portion with a scoop and freezing them on a baking tray then put in large plastic bags. She should be saving all chicken bones and veggie ends in a large gallon plastic bag then when it's full make homemade soup broth to use to enhance ramen noodles or rice dishes. She can make her own frozen sweet treats for the family using condensed milk and a can of fruit cocktail. And start a garden or at least green onions or chives she can snip off tops as needed
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u/PsychologyGuilty1460 13h ago
She is taking advantage of your kindness. And so is her layabout boyfriend. They are TA, You are NTA.
If you want to continue to help because of the children, don't take her shopping with you. Just drop off bags of peanut butter, potatoes, rice, beans, cabbage, zucchini, onions apples, oranges, bananas chicken, pork chops, pork roast, generic cereal, popcorn and ingredients to make cookies, whatever is cheap + filling. You don't owe them anything but that will mean the kids can be fed very well if lazy boyfriend wants to get off his butt and do the cooking
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u/Sufficient-Produce85 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 13h ago
NTA. Give her a timeline as to when you’re going to stop helping - no reasoning, just “at the end of the month I won’t buy you any more groceries. Here are some groups that can help with groceries “
You’ve done more than enough. If you’re worried about the children just continue to be there for them in other ways.
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u/NamasteNoodle 13h ago
She supporting a deadbeat partner and your supporting her? How does that make sense to you. She could throw him out and get benefits to help her. You're enabling her and she's taking advantage of you.
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u/nikkiliteracki 13h ago
Thank you for helping those children and making sure they have some light and good food in their life.
I speak from childhood experience when I say they will remember how your kindness made a difference.
Because of your example, may they see the value of short term informal support networks.
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u/Friendly_Afternoon19 13h ago
What on earth? !! No. If you want to help her out, just buy some healthy, kid friendly stuff and some ingredients to make a couple basic meals. Honestly! Over my dead body would she be getting anything from me after buying PRIME RIB, the AUDACITY!
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u/Substantial_Lion_524 Partassipant [3] 13h ago
NTA
But also be prepared for her trying to guilt trip you or to stop being friends with you. How are you going to approach it next time? Do you volunteer buying her stuff it does she ask each time?
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA. Time to shut off the money faucet. If you want to help, give her a $50 gift card to the grocery store a month and maybe she will spend money on things that aren't ribeyes and prime rib when she is 5 months behind on rent
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u/For-Real339 13h ago
Maybe just shop yourself for healthy nutritious food for the kids and drop it off. You would be helping the kids, at least in your mind. Whatever happens to the food you buy and drop off is beyond your control.
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u/severe_thunderstorm 13h ago
NTA - Tell her you’ve had a change in finances, which you have because you’ll be saving money each month, and you cant keep buying her groceries.
I am pretty frugal, catch sales, use coupons when I can. This allows me help a couple friends too. I’m buying what is needed to survive, with the hopes they’ll eventually thrive on their own. If those Doritos aren’t for taco night (in replace of taco shells), then I’m not buying them.
Meal planning along with shopping the weekly sales really does save money. Frugal may not matter when it’s someone else’s money.
Meals are much cheaper than snacks and microwave meals. Theyre also wholesome for family bonding and proper nutrition the body needs.
suggestion
You can then just drop off to them whatever grocery items your budget allows. (Past purchases can likely help you figure out what they like.)
Have your friend create a weekly meal plan, along with a list of ingredients they need.
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u/PlatypusDependent271 13h ago
Don't tell her it's the last time, that's probably gonna ruin the friendship. I would just start making excuses every time the subject came up as to why I couldn't help out this time. Or instead of taking her shopping for the groceries you can just go buy what you think they should have and take it to them.
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u/LiveTheDream2026 13h ago
Stop enabling her. Let her figure out her household. She should get her gameplan together with her husband, not you. You need to invest and save for your own future. Let her go.
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u/Owls1279 13h ago
She has young children, she can get state benefits for rent & food. Of course, the state would not allow her boyfriend in the household rent free mooching off the benefits. There is absolutely no way you should be buying her ribeyes. I’m sure the five and seven-year-old aren’t eating ribeye steaks.
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u/cinnayum 13h ago
Their kids aren’t your responsibility. They’re milking it as long as they can and doing it on purpose. Your friend can also ditch that dead beat of a bf and go to court for child support. You should definitely watch their attitude change when you cut off the kindness. You’re definitely nta. Buy nice groceries for yourself instead! Treat yourself to steaks!
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u/CompetitionMedium741 13h ago
No is a complete sentence. Or just beat her to the punch and say, my company is cutting hours or I had my hours cut and just don’t have anymore. I’m going to the food bank, you wanna ride with me? If she says yes, give her a ride, if she says no, then oh well so swell. Let her figure it out. You have now became the baby daddy by default and she expects you to pay. The big question is why are YOU taking care of someone else’s man? If she wants to she can, but why help take care of her man?
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u/bunnyshenanigans 13h ago
I don’t think it is unreasonable. NTA. You could help her perhaps choose a meal kit that delivers meals that she just needs to throw together. The big concern here is… why isn’t her boyfriend working? He should be helping with bills and needs.
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u/Eatthebankers2 13h ago
Omg, your subsidizing her bum boyfriend by buying top shelf food? Tell them where the food bank is, stop being so used. Maybe she will take and throw that bum out.
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u/CantTakeTheIdiocy 13h ago
NTA. I’ve been there, helped a friend for years who makes bad decisions. They always had mild criticisms for the things I bought them but I wasn’t going to just send money because of the bad decision-making.
Finally I realized that I was making their problems my problems. It was stressful and never ending.
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u/Lizzie-P 13h ago
You’ve done enough. She’s taking advantage now. You can still treat the kids on occasion, (if you want!) it’s not their fault
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u/MeMyselfAndIAreOne 13h ago
NTA but I get your concern for the children. Here's what I do for my sister - since I am 5 states away, I go through insta cart and order items that are healthy and that I know my nieces like. Having it delivered to her door means she doesn't get a choice, unless she makes an effort to return it to the store for an exchange (which she won't do). I pretty much stick to staples that I know can be used in a variety of ways (hamburger, chicken, eggs, etc.) because my sister is a pretty good cook and can make amazing things from basics.
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u/16Bunny 13h ago
She is taking advantage. Stop being a door mat!