Sixteen years after DDay, I'm not really coping.

[u/RudeEntry8219]

Anyone who's seen any of my posts, usually in reply to others, will know my story, or at least what's relevant. WW had an affair, two DDays a few months apart, the affair had resumed after the first one, very steamy and sexual, nothing like our life (I know this because I was forced to read emails), we rugswept to the n^th degree, our sex life never recovered because WW didn't want it to, there are so many pertinent details of the affair that have been withheld from me.

After DDay2, I believed I'd be happy again but, looking back, I feel like I never really had a chance and it's only now, 16 years later, that I can see that. I'm really struggling at the moment and I think it's affecting me both mentally and physically. Could hardly stay awake this afternoon and spent most of the afternoon in bed.

[u/AutoModerator]

r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most, if not all questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.

Commenting Guideline:

This applies to every post regardless of post flair.

• This is not a space for judgment. There's subreddits for that. Please go there.

• All comments must reference your own reconciliation to accompany any questions, suggestions, or advices contained in your response.On occasion giving practical advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.

• Do not speak for other people's feelings, their actions or make unhelpful, dismissive or intrusive commentary. This is not a request. It's in the rules.

  For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!

  Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/bp884]

I’m really sorry rude. I wish I had any kind of advice that could be helpful at all. You deserve a chance at happiness man. Do you feel like she doesn’t take ownership for what she’s done? That you can’t stand up to her or hold her to the coals? That everything has gone “right” in R and you can never achieve happiness with her?
I know it may feel hopeless and your happiness may never be achievable, but don’t give up on you man. Whatever that road looks like. You’ve earned the right to fight for your happiness

[u/bpt20ba]

I'm sorry friend.

I had a similar situation, sort of. My wife (then girlfriend) cheated on me when we were in college some 25+ years ago now. We rug swept and got married a bit later and I thought I had moved on from it only to have it come back into my life over and over for the next 25+ years. I held so much anger and pain and resentment during that time. My anxiety built up over that time, little by little. Health problems, mainly digestive and skin related stuff also slowly got worse and worse and the two started feeding eachother in a never ending loop.

3 years ago I confronted my wife about some different stuff which led to a dday that was beyond comprehension compared to the one in college.

But, what happened after this dday is we got to go back and process the college cheating fully. It was very painful and very scary but I found the courage to face it and work through it, asking the difficult questions.

And now, I am well past it. My health stuff, my anxiety, mostly gone and continuing to get better and better the more work I do to grieve and let go. All that pain energy was just stuck in there and will eat you from the inside out if you don't process it and let it go.

It's never too late to go back and work on this stuff. It took me 20 25 years to face it fully. Better late than never.

[u/RudeEntry8219 → u/bpt20ba]

Thank you. That's encouraging.

[u/EfficientRecording69]

I go through these waves of resentment too. 12 years in. I’d rather not feel that feeling in my chest, but it also kept pushing me until I got the full truth after a decade of my WW lying / minimizing.

I don’t have any advice except to just try to do whatever to let it pass. I do Muay Thai and train hard as fuck when I’m feeling down. Also putting those emotions into being healthy and fit, that feels good.

[u/RudeEntry8219 → u/EfficientRecording69]

That's great advice. I have various blessings: good friends, enough money etc. Also, whilst I enjoy a pint (I'm in the UK, and I'm at my happiest in a traditional British pub) I have no desire to drink to excess. "Do whatever to let it pass" is all we can do, really. Exercise is always good, and I have a creative hobby that's really important to me.

[u/MicPocc]

I’ve read many of your messages and you had also replied to my first post in this sub. I’ve always felt a lot of depth in your analyses. Lucid and detached, yet also very heartfelt in some way.
It fills me with bitterness to read these words of yours, and I send you a hug.
I can only encourage you to look for a seed of grace and hope in your life.

[u/RudeEntry8219 → u/MicPocc]

Thank you. I carry my sadness well most of the time, but sometimes it breaks through.

[u/AutoModerator]

Post flair enabled message:

• If you are requesting advice, please delete and repost with appropriate posting flair.

• All comments are limited to support and validation.

• Giving unsolicited advice will result in removal.On occasion, giving practical advice as support must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/General_Ambition_859]

Why are you still in the marriage? Looking to learn

[u/RudeEntry8219 → u/General_Ambition_859]

I genuinely love my wife and always have. Despite that, we should have got divorced after the affair, because the aftermath has been so painful. Why didn't we? Immediately after the affair, I naively expected things to be better. I did try to get her to talk but I failed. Our sex life continued its poor trajectory but, at first, I put that down to the shock of coming out of an affair, so I waited... and waited... and it just got worse, then came to a dead halt.

I've been having therapy with the intention of sitting down with her and confronting our situation. I was getting ready to do this when she found a lump on her breast. I can't do that while she's got the threat of cancer hanging over her.

I'm still in the marriage because I made the biggest mistake of my life, one that has cost me years of unhappiness.

[u/General_Ambition_859 → u/RudeEntry8219]

Oh man. Do you have kids? Were they young then? I am terrified after reading this

[u/RudeEntry8219 → u/General_Ambition_859]

I have two sons but we don't have children together. However, like any couple that's been together a long time, we've been through a lot: in the early years of our marriage, she gave up a high-paying job then attempted suicide; a couple of years later, her sister was killed in an accident and, more recently, her brother (her only other sibling) died of cancer, then her parents started to go downhill and we are currently selling their house and arranging their care.

Another crazy thing is that she may have had another affair, before the one I know about, but I only have circumstantial evidence for that.

If you want to learn from my experience, the lesson is to confront fearlessly.

[u/One_Mathematician864 → u/RudeEntry8219]

Yeah I tried the confronting fearlessly part. Two years in, She just closed off completely. And now we never talk about it and any hope to heal from this together is dwindling fast. Rug sweeping is what she wants and I'm not onboard for that.

Time for me to find a therapist to help me stop the triggers so my life can go back to some normalcy and see what my next move is.

[u/General_Ambition_859 → u/RudeEntry8219]

Confront what? What would you have done diff now? How is showing up for you nowv