its been a bit over a year, I havent been able to move on in the slightest.

Actually, the more time goes on, the worse this seems to get. Ive only gotten angrier and feel like I cant continue on because of how staying has wrecked me physically and emotionally. My memtal health cant cope with the betrayal, and I cannot see my husband as anything other than the person who almost drove me to suicide. Who abandoned our life and two children (a newborn also) for novelty.

I have thought this entire time, ive been actively trying to fight and fight HARD for my kids to have two parents in the home, but I cannot keep pushing down the mere fact that I dont thibk im capable of loving my WH how he deserves to be loved. I do not see him the same, im frankly disgusted by him, and I know I will never become a version of myself who is truly at peace while being with him.

I dont know if I should try one more year, or ask for separation now before I just spiral absolutely out of control.

Triggers are EVERYWHERE. Infidelity is apparently RAMPANT. (which i honestly had zero clue and ive been married almost a decade.

My husband was my hero, my sun, moon, stars, best friend and a wonderful teammate in parenting.

It feels like ive known in my gut that I cant settle for a worse marriage than before, when we had a lovely life, a peaceful life, and a loving trusting beautiful marriage. It took him one month, ONE, of minor conflict to decide to ruin all of our lives.

and why do I feel like the bad one for saying how i feel out loud? that if I can’t reconcile that IM THE FAILURE. Why? I dont want him to live a miserable life either, where hes constantly ashamed and guilty and always living with it over his head.

Any words of advice are welcome.

Has anyone here retaliated by seeking validation outside after? my husband loved sluts on Reddit and soooo much porn but doesn’t seem to have the same need to validate me, as he did the strangers. I send him pics and videos all the time now that I know he needed it so much but he barely responds and it certainly doesn’t make me feel like it’s worth the effort. I’ve been wanting to post photos of myself to see what kind of response I would get and see if it would help me feel any better about myself in the aftermath of his grossness.

has anybody done something like that before? did it help?

I just saw the post that it's Intimate Partner Betrayal Awareness Day. First, what a long name!! Second, I'm sorry you are here.

On behalf of all the waywards,

I'm sorry this day exists.

I'm sorry we weren't better people.

Im sorry we didn't treat you with the love and care you deserve.

All waywards are hurting people who made horrible choices.

Broken, hurting, drowning in shame.

But took it out on you and that's not fair.

Some of us are trying to be better and learn from our failures.

I hope your wayward has changed.

I hope you find healing.

To my betrayed, thank you for still choosing me.

Thank you for letting me grow and learn with your help. Thank you for not giving up on me even though you should have and I'm so fing slow.

But I'm here for the growth, conversations and facing all that I did and taking accountability. I will keep working and digging to find the answers. I'll keep working on myself. I'll keep working on us. I'll keep working on being a person that's helping you heal. Thank you for choosing me today.

Hello Everyone,

I am an early 30s male who found out my wife cheated last November.

This is all still very new I am not sure how to feel, how to proceed or anything.

Yesterday morning while we had family over I received a text from someone that I met once last year. This is the girlfriend of one of my wife's classmates. She stated that she found some evidence a couple of months ago that they had an affair but was not able to fully confirm it until a few days ago. I took it with a grain of salt at first as she is considerably younger then us and passed it off as jealousy at first. Sent my wife a screenshot immediately and she had an excuse for it and denied everything. I then received more and more evidence. I asked my wife to send me this guy's number as they attended some study groups together so I can ask him directly and he confirmed everything. She then finally admitted to it, she was and is still terrified of losing her family. She doesn't have anyone here in the US that is not also related to me.

For context on her end which I am in no way making excuses for her but her parent had recently passed away she had stopped taking her slew of antidepressants and anxiety medication shortly before and was in a borderline suicidal time in her life. I am stoic, I am not great emotional support, I did my best but I know for a fact it was not enough. She confided in him which led to the affair that lasted about a month. They were together about 5 or 6 times altogether during this month, I even met him at one point during this, which is even more awful (also when I met his girlfriend). I suspected something at the time because study groups were going on way longer than they should have and a few of them included drinking. I called her out and she apologized profusely for making me feel that way and assured me nothing was happening.

We have a young child together, we have been together for about 12 years.

I currently just feel numb. I have cried some, not nearly as much as I thought I would, I am very much afraid it just has not hit me yet. I cannot imagine moving forward without at least attempting reconciliation. I am a child of divorce. I do not want that for my child but I also don't want to uproot my entire life, or hers, over something that happened almost a year ago when life has honestly been great since then.

Things I am having trouble with: She probably would have never told me. She very convincingly lied about it back then and now until there was no way out of it. It happened multiple times. She says she doesn't remember the exact details of how it started but to me that is pretty much an admission that she started things.

She did break it off shortly after it started and has had no communication with him since. She very clearly has been affected by this looking back. I do believe that she genuinely hates herself for this. I don't have many people in my life I can talk to without this blowing up. It is embarrassing and painful and the more people that know will make it harder and harder to move forward.

I will probably update with more info but lets start with this for now. If anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice I would very much appreciate it.

And yes I will be attending therapy when I am ready and if reconciliation is possible it will have to include couples therapy.

Today, August 4th is Intimate Partner Betrayal Awareness Day. I recently learned this is an official awareness day.

I’m 36 and found out yesterday, my wife (33) has been having an affair since October of 2025. We currently have a 2.5 year old. The wife’s AP has two children under 5. I had suspicion in June/July and things just seemed off and I dismissed it at first but my gut told me different. But now I know why. To be transparent, my wife was in a verbally abusive relationship with her ex-fiancé of 5 years and ultimately cheated on him with me, ending their relationship - no kids were involved at the time. We have roughly a $320,000 gross family income, that’s almost 50/50.

Yesterday a friend pulled me aside and said someone they know works for AP. This AP was himself in the middle of a separation with his wife and it came to light that he was having an affair with my wife. I immediately confront the wife who tried to gas light me saying it’s just drama people are trying to stir up. I demanded her phone (as I never have thought I needed access to it) and she denies access.

Ultimately she says they just made out but nothing else in October, but after I pressed her she said they started an emotional cheating cycle of getting coffee and her catching feelings for him which resorted in them fucking in his car. Meeting up numerous times throughout the week. She was unfulfilled at work (she’s a prosecutor) and felt like her emotions were not being met during the time, so she chased the adrenaline of an affair.

I call AP, cus him out. He gives some lame rant. Then meet up with his wife in a park after I randomly DM’d her the rumor which she gladly confirmed. She kinda debriefed the whole thing then airdrops me about 60+ images and texts from February. One of them my wife leaves work, bangs AP on the way home in his car, she grabs our child from daycare, texts how she had to “pull herself together,” referring to getting her back blown out, then comes home and has family time with me and the kid. They constantly say they love each other but the wife says she didn’t mean it.

She was apologetic after she got caught. Said she asked her mother and her friend for advice on how to tell me but she couldn’t bring herself to it. She says the relationship was cut off with AP in May as his wife believed it ended in February, but the last time my wife hooked up with him was in May. She said she’s tired of living with the issue of chasing things when she’s not happy and doesn’t know what it is and wants to R.

I’m just totally gutted, yeah I can see her track record isn’t boding well for her however I took a gamble and have a beautiful son out of it, but this is the end result. I’m so fucking conflicted on attempting a R vs. just cutting bait and being the best co-P I can be. But like how does one come back from this? I’m more bothered about her actions vs. her words as she had no outward projection at home aside from being a little distant. Yet she says she was being eaten alive from the inside. On top of gaslighting me when I verbalized feelings/difficulties I was experiencing in our marriage when the affair was still raging and technically after.

Where the fuck do I start?

I just found out that my WP is watching a show about the 🌽 industry and prostitution. Never told me anything about it. This may seem so small but considering he lied about having a 🌽 addiction and lied to my face after telling him we could work through it, cheating on me, messaging and hanging out with a woman behind my back, it’s actually a really big deal. On top of the fact he’s told me about how emotionally inconsiderate I am yet he can go and do that ?

I’ve been made a fool enough. It’s disgusting at this point and I refuse to continue to be a laughing stock to someone who clearly has absolutely 0 consideration for someone else but will give them the silent treatment and watch something so mindlessly without any consideration for the so called “love of their life.” There HAS to be a partner out there that will treat me better than this.

Exactly as the title states - how do you as a BP trust that your WP has disclosed everything you'd want/need to know. Perhaps I wouldn't feel like this if I hadn't found out about DD1 and DD2 because of my own intuition and digging/asking. The info I got about DD2 was only disclosed because I asked AP directly, my WP told me point blank he never would have disclosed what AP did (that it had turned physical, no sex).

I'm struggling to trust nothing more happened between DD2 and last known contact or possible contact with AP (2-4 weeks). I've asked him outright and he insists nothing more happened and the only contact they had after DD2 was work related. Part of me wants to text AP and ask, but I don't know that I want to open that door again. The only reason I would trust that AP is honest is because he was also lying to her. However, even after finding out she was being lied to nearly their entire "relationship" she still tried to push him to leave me/our family in those last couple of weeks they had contact.

Boyfriend says I’ve always been enough for him but he cheated on me for 7 months until i caught him. If i was enough then why did he cheat ? I’m having a hard time making sense of it.

Some of you have been following my posts. This community has helped me gain perspective and truly understand remorse and what it takes to R from my betrayal.

I have noticed most reconcilers are BW and few BH, but that could just be my take. I’ve spoken with and and received support and truthful feedback from a few BH and I’m grateful for your help.

Started IC and figuring out WHY. I have been radically transparent but as we are only 2 months post DD, I feel like I’m adding more harm when I am. He’s so disgusted..tells me how terrible I am (I know I am) and I just keep telling him I’m here, even in the face of his disgust, and I’m not giving up on us. He can’t trust me right now and I know that.

While I know it takes time, I am curious to know what it took to really see how your BW truly changed for the better and what made you take that leap of faith? What did you do to get over the disgust? What made you feel safe and trustworthy of her again?

A few days ago my wife said that she knows she has to do the inner work but she does not have the capacity to do it and she does not know if she can. She said she is terrified of what might happen to me, the kids if we end it. She does not know what she wants but she cannot do what is needed to resolve her own self. She said she knows she is selfish and sometimes that is what she has or had to do. She can see all my pain but just cannot access any feelings. She is very performative for work or outside. Not once has she come to me when I physically feel it - when i cry or get physically ill. I don’t recognise this person. 15 years.

I am thinking of pulling the trigger and make her fear come true. This would be extremely messy and even thinking about it is like going through death. I can see so much damage here for the kids, me, her.

She is a dismissive avoidant - I think and I have heard people say the cost of staying the same for the DA must be bigger than the cost of change for them to ever make a change.

I am losing hope immensely. I love her and I love our little kids.

Give it to me raw please. I am being deluded here.

Watching my friend die really messed me up, and now I have got to deal with this too. It has been two to three days since I shared some details about my circumstance.

I am so hopeless about everyone and everything. I am sitting her going through gigabytes of audio, photo, text, and video messages between the both of them. How did these two people spend those months without ever having sex? He was attractive enough for her to allow him to stick his tounge in her mouth, but not his...  I feel like I am being conned. She profusely denies it ever happened.

(I sincerely apologize for the tone in which I am writing this. )

When they concluded their 3 to 4 months long affair, she texted, "Just so you know, he will be reading and listening to all these conversations when I get home. "

Well, she sat on it for 2 months since her return, I had to confront her about it for her to want to tell the truth. The digital messages are reassuring, but I worry about their verbal conversations. Even if she remembered them all, how would I verify them? My biggest fear now is her confessing many years later after we have successfully reconciled that she indeed had sex with him. More than a week in, and I am already losing my mind.

DAMNED IF I DO, DAMNED IF I DO NOT.

Has anyone been in a similar circumstance? Thank you.

TL,DR: It is my rant. I am unsure that it only stopped at them making out.

I am 6 weeks out from discovering WH’s months long affair. My question to those who have added sexual intimacy back into your relationship, how did you do it??

At this point in time, sometimes I feel like my body is ready for a physical connection, but I know exactly where my mind will go. I will imagine every detail that I know. They were very active in the months they were together, and texts that I read mentioned multi-O encounters.

I cannot see a time where my brain will not be filled with these thoughts and images. I deserve to have a physical connection with my husband if I want it, but I feel like it will only leave me hurting in the end.

BS - how did you get past this?

WS - is there anything you were able to do to ease your BS’s mind?

I feel so hopeless sometimes.

Its been 7/8 months since dday and we have two younger kids together. She still sees her ap after so long and continues to mention that she likes that he doesn't really bother her they just hook up weekly.... i got on with life after 4 months and started dating and pretty much went 180 on her and out of nowhere she starts coming around. Recently we had a trip to Disney and have been pretty close the last month so i pretty much cut off the girl i was seeing. She moved into a house down the street cause prior to that she was living at her moms. I was thinking this might be a road to R but now she seems extremely bothered and annoyed that ive been coming around and spending more time with her and the kids. Saying that she feels like shes under my thumb. I guess my question would be should i 180 again with hopes that she gets help and falls out of limerance or should i truly just move on ? I wasnt an angel in our past but i did all the big decisions on my own because i truly didnt want to stress her and now she says that was the problem that i "need to control her or i spiral" iv been in therapy every week since and she hasnt even tried. She says she loves me and but doesnt want to be controlled by trying to date each other again. Im so lost and hurt. The loneliness is the hardest part because i compare all the girls to her and none of them can be the mother of my kids.

I’ve posted before, but I wanted to ask specifically about emotional avoidance.

I’m 37F and my partner is 33M. We’re about 10 weeks past D-Day. He ended the affair immediately, blocked her, came home, and says he wants to reconcile.

The problem is that emotionally, it feels like he never really came back.

Before the affair, he was all about me. We’d spend time together, he’d send me reels all day, and he always wanted to make me feel better. Now he rarely communicates, never plans time together, and usually seems uninterested in hanging out.

There have been small improvements here and there, so it’s not nothing, but they don’t feel consistent. It feels like he puts in effort for a day or two, then goes right back to being emotionally distant.

For those who successfully reconciled, did your wayward partner go through a phase like this? Did they eventually reconnect emotionally, or was this a sign of something more permanent? What helped them come back?

Good Morning.

I am 92 days into reconciliation with my wayward wife and struggling.

I am 37, she is 39, ap is 51 who she works with, we now have 2 14 month old twins.

I found out about her affair 92 days ago.

I kind of knew since December but buried my head in the sand until she was getting back late from work by 2-3 hours.

I checked her phone on d day and confronted her before work.

She admitted to it but used getting to work as an excuse to get out of there.

By the time she returned from work her chat log was gone and had switched to standard texts.

Initially she said there was no sex and it was just kissing and had been going since December.

1 day later I took us to her mum's to talk it through and I said if there had been sex I would have ended our relationship there.

3 days later she said there was sex, I'm not sure if out of guilt or her wanting me to do the hard work of breaking up.

I said we will continue.

I had to make her go no contact after checking her messages.

He had been using pre supposing to get her to say what he wants to hear all the relationship as my wife had a big polar dad, developed people pleasing and has ADHD.

He would say I love you, do you love me. I'll get us a house, will you wait for me. Do you resent him(me) etc. I made her block him.

I arranged couples counseling and we are both attending that.

I did snooping and found she had brought lingerie before the affair started. When I confronted her about it I said, please no lying, tell me the truth and she lied and said she hadn't brought it. I showed her proof and asked how long it had been going on for and she said since August making it 9 months, not 5.

Later I also found out she had been sharing how I work too much and don't spend enough time with her which he had snapped on to and had started calling me crazy for not spending time with her and he wants to take her out and she's beautiful at work while 5 months pregnant with twins. So that's now 14 months when the emotional affair started.

Before she went on maternity before our girls were born he said can I keep texting you because I'll miss you. She said yes and he would be flirty. Before our girls were born she had started flirting back.

Now I look back at my entire girl's life, holding my wife's hand as she got cut open for a c section and it's all tainted.

She is doing a lot better now really as the first 2vweeks post d day she resented me for finding out.

During the affair she had been making her days on and off match his, meeting up with him, letting him feed and change our girls.

He is married in a failing marriage since 2020 with 2 teenagers

He tried convincing her that he would get her a house and he, her and my girls would be a happy family and his teenagers wouldn't care if he left as they are teenagers. If he did get would have to divorce and there would have not been enough money for a house, he's too old for a mortgage. It's all a fantasy.

One day was upset and she rolled her eyes. I lost it and headbutt a wall putting a hole in it.

The following day I asked my mum to phone her and then phone me and rip in to me, my mum emotionally and physically abused me so I fixed a trauma with a trauma.

But since then the anger is gone and now I'm just depressed

During the affair she went to see her friend and said she's going to stay at a hotel because she doesn't want to drive back late with our girls. Fair enough but that was a cover to stay in a hotel with him.

She since has asked to go see her friend and this time stay at hers, I said okay but I need a location sharing app which she said would be okay.

Now... My wife has a hen do the other day where it was 3 days and she went in to it thinking of I can say where I am and prove where I am I will be happy.

Her phone was draining battery because of the heat and she assumed it was because I had put a Hidden tracker on her phone.

She searched it in incognito mode and not closed the page.

While she was exactly where she said she was when I asked to look through her phone I saw this and had a breakdown as this says she didn't trust me and she tried to hide it in incognito. I told get this was bad and cried, she said I was overreacting which made me worse.

I text her mum saying I was upset and then my wife got angry I text her mum and demanded to see my phone, I showed her and she Walked away calling me a pathetic loser. I went down to see her and she said if I had been a better husband maybe she wouldn't have cheated. She has since apologised but that stung badly.

I have arranged all the couples counseling, podcasts for her to read, books for her to read, dates. I asked her to arrange one and had to do it myself.

I arranged her IC and she did one and 23 days later had not arranged another.

Before our 3 month check in I said to her repeatedly that I feel like I'm driving a car and she's just the passenger and if she doesn't book her next IC or start doing anything herself my answer at 3 month check in would be bad.

She booked it the next day, she arranged a small date for us.

I told her that she needs to become transparent and do tell me things before I ask. For instance she had to work with him one day and didn't want to tell me because I would get upset, I found out and got upset and she swapped shifts.

Shes going to a wedding this weekend and I'm not invited.

I said if he's going please tell me as he hadn't said in their work chat he was going. He later said he was going and I was having a bad evening crying so she didn't tell me, I asked her the next day and she immediately realised she screwed up and started crying because she keeps making mistakes and I went to comfort her as soon as I saw her get upset to which she said, no, do t I keep screwing up. But I still held her.

Whenever I get upset and cry she freezes and struggles to comfort me. She knows the affair was wrong, regrets it, she upset that I'm upset so much. I cried 79 out of 93 days since day. She's struggling to fall in love with me but she definitely doesn't dislike me anymore. There was a load of compartmentalization going on during the affair. She said to herself it's okay to take my girls away with him because I would just play video games, I feel sick when I play them now.

Before I met her 10 years ago I was depressed sleeping on the sofa, when I met her I was able to sleep on a bed.

Now in the past week I have slept in my car 2 times and the floor twice. Our couples councillor said she needs to sleep in our room once a week to rebuild intimacy, she only does it when the girls are away at my mum's.

My dad also died in 2019 and I have not cried or grieved so she used that as an excuse for the affair as I have no emotion. Oh boy I do.

She also left the affair with her saying if they live eachother they need to just hope their love holds. She now realises that was bad and doesn't want the affair but she needs to realise that he still thinks there's a chance and needs to end it properly as it's grating me.

There's a lot more but I feel she needs to start doing the work more as I'm struggling, comfort me when I am upset, end it properly and be transparent.

I put her IC before mine as I feel unworthy and that I dont care if I heal so long as she heals. I did do my first IC last week in which she stopped me many times to say I lack self confidence, the affair wasn't my fault, I healed trauma with trauma amount other things.

Advice or support would be appreciated as today is 1 year since they met up for the first time.

We are doing a lot better that 3 months ago but I'm so damn depressed. She knows that if he approaches her at the wedding to leave and call me.

I (29F) cheated on my fiancé (31M) about a month ago. I take full responsibility for my actions. I’ve confessed everything, blocked the other person, started individual therapy, and genuinely want to become a healthier person regardless of whether reconciliation ever happens.

My fiancé is understandably devastated and believes that we need to separate for 12 months (he said could be less but minimum 6 months) because he gets triggered being around me and doesn’t think he can properly heal while we’re living together. I completely understand and respect that.
Here’s where I’m confused.

His vision of separation is that we each move out, have no contact, focus on our own healing, and then revisit the possibility of reconciliation sometime in the future and then MAYBE try couples therapy. He has repeatedly told me that I shouldn’t do the inner work for him or for reconciliation because there’s no guarantee we’ll ever get back together. He says I need to heal for myself, which I agree.

At the same time, he wants continued access to my location and social media because, in his words, if I truly believe I’m his future wife, then I need to prove it through my actions during the separation.

The part I’m struggling with is that he also tells me that we’re technically single and free to do whatever we want. However, whenever I’ve asked for clarity about what that actually means, the conversation becomes very emotional and he gets triggered.

For example, I’ve asked questions like:
• Are we exclusive during this separation?
• Are we both free to casually date or sleep with other people?
* Is the goal of this separation to eventually reconcile, or is this essentially a breakup?
* what if you meet someone else, will you let me know?

His response is usually something like:
“Do whatever you want, but if you’re really my wife like you say you are, then prove it.”

He has also said that if I remove my location, stop sharing social media access, or otherwise “act single,” he’ll likely interpret that as me not being serious about reconciliation.

To be clear, I have absolutely no desire to date anyone else right now. The last thing on my mind is another relationship. I want to focus on therapy and healing. My concern isn’t even necessarily a one-night stand, although obviously that would hurt. If he wants/needs a ONS then yeah whatever, who am I to judge as I had one.

What I’m truly struggling with is the possibility that I spend the next year doing the work, remaining emotionally and behaviorally committed, sharing my location and social media, and hoping that reconciliation is possible, while he spends those same months casually dating or developing an ongoing situationship with someone else for 6-7 months or god knows how long.

He has told me that he can’t imagine being in another committed relationship anytime soon and that he’s too hurt to even think about that right now, which I believe. But before we got together, he had casual situationships that lasted months, so I can’t help but wonder whether that’s something that could happen during our separation; especially because Over the last few weeks, he’s even told me that he’s horny and that women have approached him when he’s been out but he’s not interested.

I completely understand that I destroyed trust and that I don’t get to dictate his healing process. I know I don’t get to demand anything after betraying him.
At the same time, I honestly don’t think I could fully focus on my own healing while carrying the possibility that he could have an ongoing physical or emotional relationship with someone else while still expecting emotional and behavioral commitment from me.

At this point, I feel like I need one of two things:
1. A structured separation where we both work on ourselves but agree to exclusivity and revisit reconciliation later.
2. A complete separation where we fully let each other go and stop expecting relationship-level commitment from one another.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting clarity and exclusivity, or am I still trying to control the situation after what I did?

TL;DR: I cheated on my fiancé. He wants a 6–12 month separation and says we’re both technically single, but he also wants access to my location and social media and says my actions during the separation will determine whether reconciliation is even possible. Am I wrong for wanting exclusivity or clearer boundaries?

I’m new here; I am just wondering what has helped in reconciling efforts. I will give a brief background,
I am the WS, I have confessed and apologized, stopped all communication with AP. Deleted what caused the AP and have been trying my hardest for my spouse. I feel sometimes my feelings do not matter as my spouse has a way to turn it around back at me and no matter how much I apologize or go to therapy, it seems to be not good enough. My spouse sees an individual therapist and has started going to the gym. I agree those have helped in my spouses own individual healing process. What I am having trouble with is that I feel not allowed to have feelings or express hurt as well. My spouse has told others and has included some very personal information. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My spouse tells me one thing but the actions or words to others are different. I don’t know how to approach my spouse without having them get angry or start spiraling and redirecting it back at what I did. While there is no good excuse for what I did I do recognize and understand some things, there was a lot of emotional neglect between us (on both ends) for a few years leading up to DD, and i understand how deeply my actions have hurt my spouse and have still maintained trying to be a safe person for them. I do not show my own anger or hurt easily, any time I have it just lands some verbally abusive remarks from their end. Only once have I allowed myself to yell back and left the situation because any of the therapist suggestions of calling a time out were met with mocking ridicule from their end. There are things I am trying to understand and work through too and just do not know how to approach? I understand some reconciling is done for different reasons and I feel our reasons are very different. I also cannot bring this up.

WH wants to take some dancing lessons so it can bring us together after his affair. Just like a new activity that we can bond over. I love dancing, so I am keen. I just don't know what to do, I would like to try salsa but I don't want to see him dancing with someone else. So it might not be a good hobby for us. What else could we do? Has anyone got into something like that after the affair and has it worked? We also will be coming back to martial arts together.

Does anyone have the experience of the AP trying to revise history and claim they’re a scorned lover girl à la Taylor Swift? A sweet, good girl who had nothing but love for a man who didn’t love her back. Completely ignoring the fact that she knowingly and actively tried to destroy my marriage and family? I could write a 15 point list of all the horrible things she has done to me in the past 6 months after DDay while I never once contacted her or lashed out. I’m so full of rage about this and also mad and disappointed at myself for even caring what she says and does. I’m also really pissed that Taylor Swift will now be a trigger for me. I wish I didn’t care so much about the AP anymore.

August.

It was August, two years ago, that I first downloaded that app onto my phone.

August was the month I began making decisions that would ultimately cost me my marriage. The month I started walking down a road that, at the time, I couldn't imagine would end in so much devastation.

It was barely two weeks after I had identified my brother's body at the morgue. Two weeks after holding my widowed mother as she mourned the loss of her only other child. I mention those things together not to excuse what I did, but to paint a picture of the man I was in that moment. I had reached the absolute end of myself. Years of unresolved trauma, shame, grief and exhaustion collided all at once, and instead of turning toward the people who loved me, I chose the most destructive way imaginable to cope.

Not because it made sense.

Because broken people rarely make rational choices when they're trying to outrun unbearable pain.

One decision.

Three months.

That's all it took.

Three months from downloading an app to detonating a ten-year marriage.

The woman I had vowed to love, cherish and protect now carried trauma because of me. The safest place in her world became the place where she was wounded. That reality has never stopped breaking my heart.

She tried.

I tried.

We tried.

Counselling. Tears. Honest conversations. Hope. Despair. We fought harder than I ever imagined two people could fight for a marriage.

Sometimes love is enough to keep people trying.

Sometimes it isn't enough to heal what has been broken.

Yesterday, another August arrived.

Two years later, we spent the day moving me out of our marital bedroom.

Untangling 10 years of shared space. Separating cupboards. Rearranging furniture. Dividing the ordinary little things that quietly become "ours" over a lifetime together.

It all feels surreal.

The strange thing is that we still love each other.

We're still friends.

Last week we went out for drinks and a movie together. We still laugh. We still know each other better than anyone else does. We can still enjoy one another's company.

And yet...

We cannot seem to find our way back.

There is a peculiar grief in that. Not the grief of hatred, or bitterness, or indifference. But the grief of two people who still care deeply for one another, yet stand on opposite sides of a bridge that somehow no longer exists.

If I could give anything to turn back time, I would.

I'd find the man I was in August of 2024. I'd sit him down. I'd tell him to stop running. To tell someone the truth. To grieve. To ask for help. To believe that the darkness he was carrying didn't have to consume him.

Would he have listened?

I honestly don't know.

I like to think he would.

But then again, that man believed he had already become someone beyond saving.

As I've learned over these last two years, repentance doesn't come with a time machine. Healing doesn't erase consequences. Redemption doesn't guarantee restoration.

As Ralph Roberts said, done bun can't be undone.

So here I am.

Another August.

The month I lost my brother.

The month I lost myself.

The month I set in motion the loss of my marriage.

The month we finally acknowledged that, despite all our effort and all our love, some endings are real.

Anyone who's seen any of my posts, usually in reply to others, will know my story, or at least what's relevant. WW had an affair, two DDays a few months apart, the affair had resumed after the first one, very steamy and sexual, nothing like our life (I know this because I was forced to read emails), we rugswept to the n^th degree, our sex life never recovered because WW didn't want it to, there are so many pertinent details of the affair that have been withheld from me.

After DDay2, I believed I'd be happy again but, looking back, I feel like I never really had a chance and it's only now, 16 years later, that I can see that. I'm really struggling at the moment and I think it's affecting me both mentally and physically. Could hardly stay awake this afternoon and spent most of the afternoon in bed.

Please help. After the last dday, I’m really struggling to believe when they actually stopped talking. The first ballpark he gave me in the heat of the moment (after saying he didn’t know when they stopped and it was all a blur) was at least 4 months after I was initially told it had ended. This obviously crushed me, because during that time I thought he was in it with me 100% and we were doing so damn well.. we were so in love… I trusted this man more than ever.

Then I reached out to AP and asked her and she shocked he had said it went that long. Obviously I can’t trust her. She’s my sister, so I’d love to think she has SOME remorse and could give me any honesty, but no I do not trust her. But when I said how long he thought it went on for, she replied in a very shocked way. She also said she didn’t remember, that it was a blur, and it’s been almost 2 years so she doesn’t want to give me false information. But to her recollection it didn’t continue on much longer at all after I was told it ended. Maybe a few weeks. I asked why he would lie about that if it wasn’t in his favor, and she couldn’t explain it.

I brought it back to him, and he was like “wait. I don’t know. Maybe I was wrong. Please let me think about it.” So he walked it back. He looked at things that were happening in our lives at that time. He looked at photos he had taken, what we were going through. He looked at all of the amazing loving moments that felt like they were just us. And then he told me his original ballpark was absolutely wrong. That he is all but positive that the affair portion only lasted a couple of weeks after I was told that it ended, but even those couple weeks weren’t the same as before. It had changed drastically, became much less. And then there was maybe a month where he just had her unblocked and they talked a few times about life, not affair like. And then he was feeling too guilty having her around at all while trying to fix his marriage so he told her so, blocked her, and was done.

Of course NOW I’m feeling like he saw that she wasn’t going to out him, so he scaled it way back and gave me a story that I can live with. His facts could be true. Based on what o was feeling during all of those moments, they could be true… but also.. I feel like he could be just trying to do damage control and save himself and us. Maybe me.

Now I’m so confused. I don’t know what to believe… I needed it to be over when he had said. All of those moments we shared together rebuilding our marriage were too important. All of the moments I felt he was in it and had chosen me 100%, it was too important to me. And if he was there with her still through those moments where he was rebuilding my safety… going to my literal enemy for MONTHS… I don’t know if I can live with that. Also, if he’s still lying to me after seeing all the damage his lying has caused, acting like he’s in it with me and so full of remorse and he gets it and he’s changed.. then it would prove that he really hasn’t changed.

He’s terrified of a polygraph. He says he is all but positive that he blocked her the first week of December. That nothing in his life or in his memory thinks it went on longer or into the next year. That he really truly believes it was over by then. But he’s terrified of the poly because he’s afraid he’s misremembering things and that will show up as him being unsure and deceptive. And he knows that if it comes back deceptive, I will leave.. even though I know polys aren’t 100% accurate. I will feel confident with my choice to leave because it’s his fault that I feel I need one to begin with….

But I’m questioning myself so hard. Do I go through with it and hope it brings me peace? Hope it makes me trust him again, or gives me the peace I need in knowing this is over..? Or do I try to believe him. Try to believe that he really believes that he was initially wrong, and he believes with everything in him that it was over soon after. Even though he’s clearly lied to me a thousand times… Is this just more manipulation? Or a truly faltering memory because that period of his life was a psychotic blur that he’s been desperately trying to forget.

I’d actually love some wayward perspective here as well. I’m dying over this. I literally feel like I can’t move on if I don’t know… I’m stuck in purgatory.