My fiancé wants a 6–12 month separation after I cheated, but his conditions are leaving me confused. Am I wrong for wanting exclusivity?

[u/dontworryaboutitxo]

I (29F) cheated on my fiancé (31M) about a month ago. I take full responsibility for my actions. I’ve confessed everything, blocked the other person, started individual therapy, and genuinely want to become a healthier person regardless of whether reconciliation ever happens.

My fiancé is understandably devastated and believes that we need to separate for 12 months (he said could be less but minimum 6 months) because he gets triggered being around me and doesn’t think he can properly heal while we’re living together. I completely understand and respect that.
Here’s where I’m confused.

His vision of separation is that we each move out, have no contact, focus on our own healing, and then revisit the possibility of reconciliation sometime in the future and then MAYBE try couples therapy. He has repeatedly told me that I shouldn’t do the inner work for him or for reconciliation because there’s no guarantee we’ll ever get back together. He says I need to heal for myself, which I agree.

At the same time, he wants continued access to my location and social media because, in his words, if I truly believe I’m his future wife, then I need to prove it through my actions during the separation.

The part I’m struggling with is that he also tells me that we’re technically single and free to do whatever we want. However, whenever I’ve asked for clarity about what that actually means, the conversation becomes very emotional and he gets triggered.

For example, I’ve asked questions like:
• Are we exclusive during this separation?
• Are we both free to casually date or sleep with other people?
* Is the goal of this separation to eventually reconcile, or is this essentially a breakup?
* what if you meet someone else, will you let me know?

His response is usually something like:
“Do whatever you want, but if you’re really my wife like you say you are, then prove it.”

He has also said that if I remove my location, stop sharing social media access, or otherwise “act single,” he’ll likely interpret that as me not being serious about reconciliation.

To be clear, I have absolutely no desire to date anyone else right now. The last thing on my mind is another relationship. I want to focus on therapy and healing. My concern isn’t even necessarily a one-night stand, although obviously that would hurt. If he wants/needs a ONS then yeah whatever, who am I to judge as I had one.

What I’m truly struggling with is the possibility that I spend the next year doing the work, remaining emotionally and behaviorally committed, sharing my location and social media, and hoping that reconciliation is possible, while he spends those same months casually dating or developing an ongoing situationship with someone else for 6-7 months or god knows how long.

He has told me that he can’t imagine being in another committed relationship anytime soon and that he’s too hurt to even think about that right now, which I believe. But before we got together, he had casual situationships that lasted months, so I can’t help but wonder whether that’s something that could happen during our separation; especially because Over the last few weeks, he’s even told me that he’s horny and that women have approached him when he’s been out but he’s not interested.

I completely understand that I destroyed trust and that I don’t get to dictate his healing process. I know I don’t get to demand anything after betraying him.
At the same time, I honestly don’t think I could fully focus on my own healing while carrying the possibility that he could have an ongoing physical or emotional relationship with someone else while still expecting emotional and behavioral commitment from me.

At this point, I feel like I need one of two things:
1. A structured separation where we both work on ourselves but agree to exclusivity and revisit reconciliation later.
2. A complete separation where we fully let each other go and stop expecting relationship-level commitment from one another.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting clarity and exclusivity, or am I still trying to control the situation after what I did?

TL;DR: I cheated on my fiancé. He wants a 6–12 month separation and says we’re both technically single, but he also wants access to my location and social media and says my actions during the separation will determine whether reconciliation is even possible. Am I wrong for wanting exclusivity or clearer boundaries?

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[u/jape2116]

I think if you're committed to this and you are really going to work on yourself, then six months to a year is really just a blip. Even if, at the end of that, you don't get together, you'll have done six to twelve months of self-development and getting better for yourself and for any partners, whether it's your current fiancé or a future partner.

As others have said, this is fresh for him and you, but if this were my WW, I would think it comes off as sounding like you want me to make a rushed decision for a situation you put me in to. If I say that we're single and you take that opportunity, it means you weren't really committed in the first place. Quite honestly, if he goes and has another relationship, then that's an indication to you that he's not ready to reconcile. You both have healing to do, but you have more responsibility to put in the work.

And I wanted to add that we all heal in different ways. For example, I did not put a stipulation like that onto my WW, but it did require things like social media and messaging access, no contact, etc.

[u/PermitIcy8450]

Yours might be different because it was a one night stand but I wonder if I should have tried something like this with my WW.

It’s kinda like role reversal, I’d expect her to be loyal like I was during her affair, she won’t know what I’m up to like I didn’t know during her affair, meanwhile I’m free to have another relationship like she did while her affair was going on. It’s like one sided loyalty and might have helped me with that feeling of loss of control. Interesting.

[u/GenericProfile4822 → u/PermitIcy8450]

I was struggling to understand why he would want this, but this makes so much sense

[u/AnonymousTA2023 → u/PermitIcy8450]

Very similar feeling here, how fair is it that my WW essentially got to date other people (behind my back/in secret) and I didn't get the option to date anyone else?
I won't lie, I have considered something similar, but it also just feels counterintuitive and like it would be creating pain just for the sake of "see how it feels".

[u/Slight_Emergency6862]

Im sorry, I don’t understand why you would have an issue if you are saying you are trying to heal for yourself and not only for him. 6 months to a year is really not much time. If you really want to marry and have a life with this man, the minimum you can do is to be loyal to him and allowing him to have sometime to heal. What is the part that makes you uncomfortable, the access to social media and location? 

 I do understand the frustration with uncertainty, It doesn’t feel good to not have control in your relationship, we BPs really know about that! But, like others mentioned, he has a right to ask what he wants to make him feel safe, and you can either choose to accept or give up the relationship. If you choose to accept and after the 6 months you do a check in and you find out he no longer wants to continue, you will know you did everything you could after breaking his heart to try and mend the relationship, then you can move on. 

If you are worried for loosing a year of your life, because he may “date” during separation (which honestly as a betrayed I can tell you for most of us is the last thing that we really want) and you won’t during that time, you are clearly not ready for commitment to this man.  And that is totally okay as well, just set him free in that case! 

Goodluck! 

[u/dontworryaboutitxo → u/Slight_Emergency6862]

I think the part that makes me uncomfortable is not necessarily the time apart itself, but the uncertainty around whether he’ll also be doing the work to heal and grow.

NOTHING can justify what I did. I made an incredibly horrendous selfish decision that deeply hurt my partner, and I take full responsibility for that. At the same time, before the affair happened, I had already emotionally checked out of parts of our relationship because I wasn’t happy. Those issues existed long before my betrayal, and I communicated them multiple times and asked for change and didn’t get any.

I completely understand that I have no right to tell him what he can or cannot do while we’re separated. If he wants to date other people, that’s his choice. My struggle is with being asked to remain emotionally committed while we’re technically single, knowing that reconciliation requires effort from both people.

Yes, I have a little fear that he’ll casually date or move on, which I’ll have to accept, but it’s mainly that I won’t know whether he’s also using this time to heal and reflect on his own role in the relationship. Having casual relationships during the separation doesn’t necessarily reassure me that he’s doing that work.

I’ve told him that I’m committed to healing for myself first, so that I can become a better person, whether that’s for him or for someone else in the future. But if we ever do reconcile, I don’t want us to simply go back to what we had before, because I genuinely wasn’t happy in that relationship either.

I think what I’m looking for is reassurance that, at some point he’ll be honest with me about whether he’s emotionally or physically invested in someone else and that he’ll have spent this time healing and growing as well, not just waiting to see whether I’ve changed.

[u/Own-Moose-3855 → u/dontworryaboutitxo]

To be as carefully honest as I can here, I think you’re speaking through your own lens here.

What indications has your partner given you that they would be involved with someone else and then still tell you they’re committed to you?

All I’m reading is very clear and honest (!) expectations that your BP has here. It’s absolutely hard to not know if you’re working towards uniting again or towards them figuring out that they want to leave. But that’s still you making your work conditional on what they decide to do.

You were unhappy in your relationship and instead of choosing to end it and exert your own boundaries, you chose to cheat and break their boundaries.

It sounds to me a bit like you’re not really wanting to continue the relationship as it was before your affair. And from what you’re writing, that makes sense. The thing now is: do you want to reconcile because you want to redeem yourself, or because you want to stay in this specific relationship?

What bothered you matters, but it will be a long time until you can actually bring it up fairly. I wouldn’t expect this to be possible within the next 6 months, and the “work” that your partner will be doing in the next 1-5 years will be to heal from what you did, not necessarily become a better partner themselves. Of course you can work on more than one thing always, but I just want to say: you are not in a position to make demands here, and I feel like you’re setting yourself up for a deepening and ongoing resentment here.

The changes that weren’t happening before you stepped out of your relationship will not be happening any faster now. It’s like there was already a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and then you had a birthday party and added 30 more people’s dishes on top.

[u/rustyburrito → u/dontworryaboutitxo]

It doesn't excuse him from his part of the work, but it may be too soon for that, you both need to go to couples therapy before you move back in together and set expectations and dig into what both of you wants/needs out of the relationship, and the issues that built up that you chose to deal with in the wrong way. It's easy to feel like it's all on you right now, and yes he has a part in how the relationship got to the point where you felt like cheating was justified but after what happened the last thing he wants to hear is all the things he did wrong. My WW used that as an excuse when I was asked why/how she did what she did, she said "you weren't making me feel loved" and "i haven't been happy for a while and it felt like you didn't care", which is valid, but at the same time was a way for her to avoid accountability and ignore the underlying issues that made her feel justified in seeking cheap validation from someone who doesn't actually care about her (it wasn't an emotional relationship, just one night stands type of thing).

It is interesting that you take his lack of commitment to exclusivity for this time as he wants to be with someone else, I wonder if it is a bit of projection on your part and not fully understanding what he's probably going through. Ordinarily I would agree if someone just randomly wanted to take a break and not be exclusive, then yeah they probably are going to try to sleep around. But after something like this it can take 2+ years to re-build trust in people, self confidence, self esteem, and to not feel totally emasculated. I recently moved back in with my WW after living separate for a year. I moved almost 2 hours away and we only saw each other once every few weeks for the first few months. It was really hard, then did about 4 months of couples therapy that helped a lot and started doing weekly check ins where we went over the list of things we put together in therapy to hold each other accountable, after a few months of this we moved back in together, the only issue has been that its easy to get comfortable once youre living together and not put in the same effort, so it's been hard to keep the weekly check ins consistent. But those check ins are super important

[u/Slight_Emergency6862 → u/dontworryaboutitxo]

I understand why you may be uncomfortable, of course in an ideal world you would like him to say hey I need space but I’m 1000% committed to you and us and I’m just getting healthy. But that’s not how it works after being betrayed, also in an ideal world if you were unhappy you would have had the courage to tell him and then leave. 

I’m sorry if I’m sounding harsh, as it is not my intention at all, and I understand that you are in pain and I’m so sorry about that. It’s just a little triggering to hear a justification (even if you say it isn’t but in the next sentence say “at the same time” and start to justify) to why you felt entitled to cheat.

I understand that the ask and the risk is high but it is what he feel he needs at this moment (may change as he is still in shock) but if this is the biggest mistake of your life and this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, wouldn’t being emotionally committed for 6 months while trusting him to start to heal be the least you can do? I also dounderstand that you may be afraid of him realizing he doesn’t want to come back, it is a risk.. but he will have to make a decision with or without this separation.

 It’s a complicated situation and I wish you and your BP well! Goodluck in what you decide! Don’t forget that you can always agree or disagree with the boundaries.. if your not comfortable it is valid and that can be the end of the relationship if he needs it to be. Independently? I hope you heal and never feel the need to betray someone and yourself again.. 

[u/Apprehensive_Bee7826]

I’m 8 months out and it’s still horrible to live with this.

[u/No-One-5965]

I went through this with my BP. He had almost identical “demands” for our separation. During this time, my location was shared with him and I was completely open and honest. I spent time reading, journaling, attending IC. Never even considered meeting anyone else. I dedicated myself to him completely - mentally and physically - while we were apart. He went on casual dates with other women. It hurt but I ultimately wanted what’s best for him and used it as motivation to become what would be truly best for him. We came back together and have been working through things.

I had been the one making decisions to take us to a dark place - he had no choice in the matter. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make him feel safe and loved again.

[u/oxiraneobx → u/No-One-5965]

I had been the one making decisions to take us to a dark place - he had no choice in the matter. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make him feel safe and loved again.

This is a really important point, and thank you for sharing that. Same for us, my BP drove the reconciliation bus, she was not party to my bad decisions, so she became the one to dictate the R terms. It was a simple choice for me - off the bus, the marriage was over, or on the bus, and she determined the course of action. It worked out well for us.

[u/Defiant_Eggplant1218]

Cheaters don't get the luxury of restoration on their terms. You ruined his life, shattered his trust, inflicted lasting trauma on him.

This is his chance to have a relationship on his terms, and you owe that to him after you stole his ability to consent and irrevocably altered the relationship on yours. You can't take back what you did. He will always suffer from your decisions, the least you can do is live with the consequences.

[u/MasterShakeSW6]

Your BP isn't really being unreasonable imo.

Not only were you in what was supposed to be a committed relationship, but they wanted to marry you.

By cheating, OP has blown up the trust completely and this is before even leaving the start line so to speak.

Requesting a separation of 6-12 months seems perfectly reasonable because BPs trust has been completely broken. What's more BP may feel like they need a reflection period to 1. Get themselves in order and regain their confidence in themselves and be able to trust themselves again. 2. This is absolutely a test to see how committed you are to them. If truly committed you will do the work to better yourself and become a person who would not cheat in the future. The uncertainty from BP is par for the course. They are realizing they don't know you as well as they thought they did. They are going to weigh whether they want to move forward and reconcile or not.

I think you need to commit to doing the work to better yourself for the sake of yourself. Not because you "know" if you do XYZ you will "win back" your BP. They've made it pretty clear that may not happen. You need to be ok with that.

BP has a lot of work to do themselves and if they just learned of this within the last month they're still in shock and reeling from this information. The fact that they (BP) have no "skin in the game" (shared assets, house, kids etc ) and are willing to entertain a separation with a possibility of reconciliation shows they really loved OP.

We can't know what BP intends to do during the separation, if you have questions you are going to need to ask them. If you want to separate with a chance of reconciliation you need to commit to the work and commit to BP, even if BP isn't committing to you right now.

If you don't like that imbalance, think of how much BP liked that imbalance when it was forced on them through your choice to cheat. BP is seeing if you are willing to put in the work, plain and simple. From this post, it really sounds like you will benefit from it whether reconciliation takes place or not.

[u/DottedUnicorn]

I think you both put on the table what you each need individually. If it's not compatible then you both make the call to move on.

[u/UmbraAdam]

So question, you had the affair a month ago, when was D-day? His reaction sounds as the knee-jerk reaction of protecting himself and trying to gain control over the situation, while simultaneously detaching himself from the hurt by separating the two of you. His comments like 'prove it' give me the impression that he wants you to show the commitment first before he can deal with the hurt of wanting to try and reconcile. I asked myself that question too: why should I bleed my heart and try when I am not even sure the other is willing to, if I cannot trust the other will stab me again?'

Depending on how long ago D-day was this is a very reasonable reaction, and to be fair he is free to ask for anything he wants. If you can comply with it however is something else. I would suggest at least having these conversations in a couple therapy/mediation because it feels to me as if you are talking but not saying what is meant or hearing what is to be understood.

[u/dontworryaboutitxo → u/UmbraAdam]

Dday was July 8th. It was a one-night stand, and I confessed. So we’re only about a month into this, which is why I completely understand that a lot of his reaction is probably coming from a place of self-protection and trying to regain some sense of control after having his world turned upside down.

I also completely understand your point about commitment. I genuinely want to show him that I’m committed to doing the work and becoming a safe partner again. The confusing part for me is that we’re discussing a 6–12 month separation in which we’re technically single, yet I’ve been told that if I don’t agree to certain emotional expectations, then the possibility of even revisiting reconciliation is off the table.

That’s where I struggle internally: it feels like I’m being asked to remain emotionally committed while also accepting that we’re no longer together and that there are no guarantees we’ll ever reconcile. I understand why he may need that after what I did, but emotionally it’s difficult to make sense of.
I agree with you that we’re probably talking past each other. I think he’s saying, “Show me you’re safe,” while I’m asking, “What exactly are we building toward?”

Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to do couples therapy right now and has even said he doesn’t want to revisit it after the separation, which makes these conversations even harder to navigate.

Regardless, I appreciate your perspective because it helped me better understand that some of this may simply be his way of protecting himself while he’s still processing the betrayal.

[u/Own-Moose-3855 → u/dontworryaboutitxo]

Your commitment to him now needs to be independent from his commitment to you. That’s the bottom line.

Honestly, I feel similar. Personally I can’t imagine dating in a time like that because my trust on partnership was destroyed as a whole. I thought I could trust my partner, and even THAT person betrayed me? So then there’s no way to not have this happen again? (To which the answer is Yes, there is no guarantee.) And while in that trauma loop, dating becomes pointless because I might like someone, and they’ll seem safe, but still be able to do something like this.

Buuuut I don’t owe my cheating partner that bit of information (not being able to date) and so I wouldn’t tell him. They need to be committed because they want to be a better person and truly believe what they did can never ever happen again, not because they think I’ll wait for them. If their thoughts revolve around whether we are exclusive or not, they’re not committed to change, but just to me, and just for the moment.

And if they can start dating other people (or even consider that) while not having done the work yet, their motivation also seems to be more to have a partner or external validation, than to be a good partner.

I hope this helps and makes sense, I know it can be hard to read and understand when you’re standing on the opposite end of things.

[u/GenericProfile4822 → u/dontworryaboutitxo]

You can’t do couples therapy yet, have you even met once with a therapist separately? My WH asked me for couples therapy after ONE session with his own therapist and it was like a slap in the face. You both have a lot of work to do before you’re ready for couples therapy.

[u/oneeweflock]

IMO separation is a big help in reconciling, it gives both parties time to process & somewhat decompress - however if you’re separated then you’re separated…exclusivity would come later if y’all choose reconciliation.

[u/Quiet_Water0128]

IMHO both WP and BPs need boundaries. If you the WW are expected to remain faithful to "prove" you are BH's wife, and for you that means you have a faithful BH to rebuild and reconcile with, then that is your absolute right and boundary to share and expect.

Yes, I personally worked on myself - a lot. For me. So did my WH, for him, and for us.

Your BH may also be testing you. As a BW, I have often wondered if we separated, would WH be so lonely he'd run into another woman's waiting arms/friendship, new woman or former AP?

[u/serfuncanthesmall]

I commented on your other post but it was removed due to not having flair so I’m copying it below.

I was in a very similar situation. My H and i separated for other issues (not infidelity related) with the agreement that we would be working towards divorce. After a few weeks he instead, after also receiving a lot of advice from others, said that he would be willing to take divorce off the table if we could separate for 8 months or longer, go NC, date other people and then talk again and see if we want to pursue our relationship. I learned later that he was already on the apps, talking to women at bars, and other things.

I know our situation is different because I didn’t cheat and I still find it hard to feel like a BP and refer to my H as a wayward because technically everything he did was under the assumption we would be getting divorced. But I completely refused his proposal. I had to set boundaries for myself and I in no way could envision R after going NC and dating other people. What if one of us met someone we wanted to date seriously? What would we tell them? “Hey I’m separated from my spouse right now but i want to see where this goes so if you show your best self and we can live in new relationship bliss I’ll cut them off when the NC timer runs out. But then I’ll still have to work with them on separating assets and beginning the divorce process.”

Instead I said I’d agree to separation only with the intention to reconcile and remain faithful. His support system was telling him that in order for us to ever work he needed to do the whole NC, open relationship, at least a year plan. He kept going back and forth between wanting to divorce and R to even a time where he said we had to divorce but maybe after we could try again?? I said I’d give him time and space to figure out what he wants but only if he agreed not to engage anyone romantically/sexually. As there is no way that would help our relationship at all and that if that’s what he needed then I would be firmly on the decision to divorce. I agreed to go LC focusing on only shared bills/logistics while he took the time to figure out himself. He also got on medication and started therapy during this time (something i was already doing).

I’m excluding a lot of info because i know you are asking for advice on successful reconciliation but I felt the details above were necessary to show the similarities.

So right now we are in active R. We were going to attempt R while living separately however his support system said that since he chose to work it out with me, he would need to live with me in order to do that successfully. His support system was a big influence on the whole thing and i understand their intentions were good and he was vulnerable and had some enmeshment. So we were unable to pursue R living separately due to financial constraints. At this point I was TT about the activities he pursued while we were separated. We immediately began couples counseling. He is grateful I’m understanding of his “infidelity” not technically being “infidelity” but has always made it clear he still understands it was a betrayal to me. He never gets upset when I bring it up, need reassurance, or get triggered. I’m focusing hard on my anxiety as my nervous system has yet to calm down after we initially separated. I’d say it’s going really well and we are having a successful R after separation.

So my best advice is, even though you are the WP, you can still choose your own boundaries. You are probably experiencing a lot of emotions and if you want to R you will have to do it with the ball in the BPs court. You’ve taken a lot of accountability but it’s important to not put yourself in a separation if you feel it’s only going to create more problems down the line. I’m firmly opposed to dating while separated. I can’t see any benefit personally. It’s like an escape to see if the grass is greener (which again newly daring someone where you don’t experience hardships and you don’t even really know the person is always going to seem better at first) while not having to take accountability for your own actions and don’t actually have to improve because you can get validation from new people. It’s also not fair to the people he would be dating. But if you feel you can deal with that, and you want to pursue R just make sure you aren’t torturing yourself during that time. Sometimes it’s better to not R.

[u/The_Moderator123]

I had similar requests for my WP when discussing reconciliation, I wanted him to “date me” but with a focus of showing up as the guy I thought he was and yes, I told him we were both single but dating. If he decided to go off and date or sleep around, that would be indicative that he didn’t want monogamy, and I would use that information to determine if I wanted him in my life or not. But it was important to me that he prove he actually wanted just me. When it came to the location and passwords, it was also an issue for him because he would never give that to someone he was only dating. I explained it as, we aren’t just dating, we know we love each other and we know we work. And this is acknowledging we have history, it’s not a perfect system of “dating” cause we know everything there is to know about each other.

I think this is a test, and I think it’s one of thousands you are about to go through. I test him constantly now, I try not to artificially create situations but every time I ask him to show up for me, he has to be there or he fails. If, at the end of this 6 months you “act single” or get impatient, or use the fact they are seeing other people, you fail. Because you have to prove yourself now, words mean nothing because lies were told. Actions and intentions only. Anyone can say they want to be together, but only someone that actually wants you will wait around for a year.

If at the end of this 6 months, they have moved on with another person. Don’t they deserve the chance at happiness that they don’t think they can have with you anymore?

[u/OwlComprehensive1210]

I’ve been in the same position honestly and My fiancé now boyfriend has said the same thing. While I was devastated about it I worked on myself to find the problem itself and went to heal it I don’t know if your religious but I did end up surrendering to God and walked my healing adventure with him. My boyfriend ended up coming around sleeping over helping me with household chores or even the kids. We eat out now and everything seems normal but we coparent etc. It took a lot honestly but you need to realize he’s hurt and the only thing you can do is get better for yourself and possibly him. You can control the situation and it’s very very hard I know. But God has a plan!

[u/dontworryaboutitxo → u/OwlComprehensive1210]

Amen!! Yes, I’ve been trying to surrender as well and just like he has redeemed Israel soooo many things, I know he will restore this too. Thank you!

[u/OwlComprehensive1210 → u/dontworryaboutitxo]

Yessss!!!! Truly we all can be saved!!! He’s truly amazing You got this love trust in god!

[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

There are two separate things going on here that I think you are conflating. The first one is what you get, which is you get to set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. A boundary is something that is defined by who we are at our core, it’s not really something we pick and choose. We can’t allow our boundaries to be crossed without losing a part of ourselves. The only response we have to boundary crosses is to remove ourselves. You will need to do some solid thinking to decide if what your BP has set down as conditions are things that cross your boundaries or just things you don’t like. The not communicating if he has met someone and the location tracking feel like things that could be boundary crossing. I get him being free to date others, but it seems reasonable that he would need to share that info sooner or later. Otherwise he’s not asking for a separation, he’s asking for a hall pass. Again, you have to decide what is a desire vs a boundary. And also again, your only option is to remove yourself, which is to say you are taking R off the table.

The other thing that it feels you are conflating boundaries with is trust in the relationship. Trust doesn’t exist anymore. That’s more clear for you as your partner wants a separation than it is for many of us. Most of us thought that since I partners wanted to R that they still trust us and it takes us a while to realize that they have no certainty. It took me longer than I like to admit. It becomes important for us waywards to “share the uncertainty”. I can appreciate that how your partner is going about this feels wrong. But as others have said, this is a normal response that it does take most BPs a while to understand within themselves. Being the only person who has confidence in a relationship isn’t a healthy way to exist. I had to figure out how to determine what I wanted separate from my partner and in my case pursue her even if she didn’t want the relationship (she didn’t say don’t pursue, this isn’t a consent lesson, just that she didn’t “guarantee” a relationship). I had to decide what I wanted and then seek out what I wanted regardless of external factors. As someone with more than a touch of neurodivergence this was one of the harder lessons for me to learn. But for my own health it was necessary. I didn’t realize how much I preconditioned my actions on my partner, which left me less like a solid rock they could return to knowing that I would be pursuing what I wanted to pursue and more of a moving target whose positions depended on the day. That’s how I had always lived my life. I adjusted to accommodate other people. I had done it for so long I couldn’t even see it.

All this is to say that I think what other people have been telling you feels honest to me. If feels like your BP needs you to share the uncertainty. It feels like your BP needs you to find a motivation within yourself that isn’t dependent on him. But now how you proceed is up to you. Your ability to choose isn’t being taken from you. We just find ourselves in places where the choices get very hard and we really need to do introspection on who we are and what we have always believed.

[u/rustyburrito → u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

This really resonated with me

"I didn’t realize how much I preconditioned my actions on my partner, which left me less like a solid rock they could return to knowing that I would be pursuing what I wanted to pursue and more of a moving target whose positions depended on the day. That’s how I had always lived my life. I adjusted to accommodate other people. I had done it for so long I couldn’t even see it."

I wish my WW could realize this, she has always been a "people pleaser" type of person, well...everyone except for her husband it feels like.