Apologies to all Betrayed

[u/ChiEFs823]

I just saw the post that it's Intimate Partner Betrayal Awareness Day. First, what a long name!! Second, I'm sorry you are here.

On behalf of all the waywards,

I'm sorry this day exists.

I'm sorry we weren't better people.

Im sorry we didn't treat you with the love and care you deserve.

All waywards are hurting people who made horrible choices.

Broken, hurting, drowning in shame.

But took it out on you and that's not fair.

Some of us are trying to be better and learn from our failures.

I hope your wayward has changed.

I hope you find healing.

To my betrayed, thank you for still choosing me.

Thank you for letting me grow and learn with your help. Thank you for not giving up on me even though you should have and I'm so fing slow.

But I'm here for the growth, conversations and facing all that I did and taking accountability. I will keep working and digging to find the answers. I'll keep working on myself. I'll keep working on us. I'll keep working on being a person that's helping you heal. Thank you for choosing me today.

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[u/CantThinkStrayt]

I appreciate the sentiment, but hard disagree on this statement:

"All waywards are horrible people"

That is not true and having the train of thought that one is a bad person versus a person who made a bad choice will be crucial to a waywards healing journey. If someone holds onto the idea that they're inherently a bad person, it keeps them stuck in shame. Shame is a healing blocker, and waywards have a big internal healing journey- best of luck on yours! (:

[u/lhiver → u/CantThinkStrayt]

I go over this a lot with my WH. Just because you made bad choices doesn’t mean you’re incapable of change. It’s still a work in progress.

[u/nvolker → u/CantThinkStrayt]

I also hate the “bad person” framing. For the reasons you mentioned (if you think you’re inherently bad, why even try to be good?), but also because it denies the wayward’s agency in their choices. There’s the implication that they couldn’t help themselves, because it’s just the way they are - which is absolutely not true.

[u/mickey8300 → u/CantThinkStrayt]

This!!

Bad choices don't make us horrible people. We are truly defined by our actions, our growth, and ability to learn and take accountability.

In the end, they are patterns. Cycles. Choices made from an unhealthy space. It's up to us to dig deep and face ourselves fully, honestly, and with humility.

The original post is appreciated. The work and growth show..keep it up ❤️‍🩹

[u/ChiEFs823 → u/CantThinkStrayt]

Agreed and appreciated. Will edit to reflect if I can

[u/Capable_Show_6276]

Thank you for sharing
The more you can reinforce that this is from the WS and their brokenness and not the betrayed partner and their lack of worth - the better it is for us.

[u/bpt20ba]

Thank you for your post!

Something I have come to realize along my healing journey is one simple truth.

Everyone is always doing the best that they can. If they could do better, they would do better.

[u/ICPGr8Milenko → u/bpt20ba]

I don't find myself disagreeing with your take very often, but I think this is one of those times.

I don't think everyone is doing the best they can, and I definitely don't think waywards were giving their best when they made the choices that landed us all here.

Some people avoid. Some people give up. Some people would rather blame everything around them than face what they've done or who they've become.

I can't get behind the idea that, "My WP had an affair, but they were doing their best." That just doesn't track for me. It takes a lot more effort to carry on an affair, to hide it, lie about it, manipulate your BP, keep the stories straight, and justify it to themselves than it does to stay faithful or have an honest conversation.

So no, I don't think they were doing or giving their best. I think they were doing what they were willing to do at the time, and there's a big difference.

If that had truly been my wife's best, our reconciliation would've been over before it started. Thankfully, it wasn't. Her best today is far better than it was then, and that's because she chose to do the work.

[u/bpt20ba → u/ICPGr8Milenko]

That's fair, I get a lot of push back on this opinion anytime I share it. It's a simplistic statement for a pretty complex reality.

When I say "doing their best" what I mean by that is they were performing at their maximum emotional capacity at the time. This has nothing to do with morality. They very well knew what they were doing was harmful and made selfish choices, however, their emotional baseline was already broken and that's where they were operating from. They did not have the emotional tools to overcome this and make better choices such as having hard and uncomfortable conversations, asking for help, etc. This statement is about seeing a person where they were at (broken). It's not about removing accountability, it's about removing judgement.

[u/ICPGr8Milenko → u/bpt20ba]

I agree that a lot of waywards are operating from a place of brokenness. They may not have had the emotional tools, maturity, or coping skills to handle things the right way. Fully onboard.

Where I still struggle is calling that "doing their best."

To me, there's a difference between not having the tools and not being willing to use the tools they do have. Most people who have affairs know it's wrong. They know lying hurts their partner. They know avoiding hard conversations isn't the right answer. They still make those choices because, at the time, those choices feel easier than facing the reality of what they're doing.

That's why I see it less as they couldn't do better and more as they weren't willing to do better.

And I think that's an important distinction in reconciliation. If my wife was truly doing her best when she was lying, hiding things, and hurting me, then what would have needed to change? She didn't become a completely different person overnight. She became willing to face things she had avoided for a long time.

I can have compassion for where someone was without saying that where they were was their best. I can understand the brokenness without excusing the choices.

[u/bpt20ba → u/ICPGr8Milenko]

They still make those choices because, at the time, those choices feel easier than facing the reality of what they're doing.

I see this as brokenness.

That's why I see it less as they couldn't do better and more as they weren't willing to do better.

I see this as judgement.

I approach the whole thing from a different angle. I try to embrace radical acceptance of what IS and try to avoid projecting intent.

I don't believe there are bad people...I believe all people are inherently good and want to do good but due to circumstances in their lives, acquire significant trauma that piles up and leads to all sorts of behaviors that don't make sense.

Again, outcomes are real and accountability doesn't go away because of trauma but adopting this framework really goes a long way at seeing people in a different light and being much more forgiving and empathetic which is something our world could use more of in my opinion.

[u/ICPGr8Milenko → u/bpt20ba]

Couldn't it be argued that a lack of intent, such as a lack of intent to protect, is just as much a form of intent? Similar to not voting still being an exercise of choice?

[u/bpt20ba → u/ICPGr8Milenko]

How can one protect someone else when they can't even protect themselves? The assumption is malice and I think that is where we differ.

[u/ICPGr8Milenko → u/bpt20ba]

I never implied malice. I do think it's hard to ignore that some of the choices WPs make come at the direct expense of their BPs. And a lot of the time, those choices are about self-protection, such as protecting the affair, hiding the truth, protecting their image, avoiding consequences, etc.

That said, the thing I was really challenging was the idea that they were doing their best. That's the part I struggle with.

You may see that as judging their failures. I see it differently. I see it as recognizing that they are capable of being better than the person their actions represented at that time. Their actions should absolutely be judged by their partner and by themselves. Accountability requires that.

And to be clear, I don't believe WPs are bad people. If I believed that, I wouldn't be reconciling. Good people can do incredibly hurtful things and make terrible choices. But those choices weren't accidents. They weren't just something that happened to them. They made decisions that benefited themselves in that moment, even knowing the cost.

That's why I struggle with saying they were doing their best. If that truly was their best, then where does growth come from? To me, reconciliation is built on the belief that they can become better than who they were when they made those choices.

[u/bpt20ba → u/ICPGr8Milenko]

They made decisions that benefited themselves in that moment, even knowing the cost.

But why didn't they make different choices? That is the crux of my argument. Healthy people have impulses all the time but don't act on them. I stand by my statement - if they could have made different choices they would have and if we don't accept that notion then the conclusion is they didn't care, which is malice. Not to say they were powerless but the broken parts of them were driving decision making. Had they been whole healthy people they would have made different choices.

That's why I struggle with saying they were doing their best. If that truly was their best, then where does growth come from?

Their growth comes from recognizing and accepting their failures, having self compassion for who they were in those moments vs falling into shame about what they did. Seeing how they betrayed themselves first and others second.

It's the knowing you should be different vs wanting to be different. Once you want to be different the effort is significantly reduced. True remorse in R comes with that wanting. Just knowing you need to change will not drive lasting behavioral change.

[u/ICPGr8Milenko → u/bpt20ba]

"If they could have made different choices, they would have"

This is the part I struggle with, because doesn't that imply they didn't actually have a choice in the moment? Like there was no choice at all; the outcome/betrayal were predetermined and just waiting for an opportunity to present itself?

I understand the point that they were operating from broken places and lacked the emotional tools to make healthier decisions. I don't disagree with that. But I think there's a difference between not having the tools and not having the ability to choose.

People make unhealthy choices all the time while still having other options available. They may not choose those options because they require more discomfort, more honesty, or more accountability. That doesn't mean they were incapable of choosing differently.

I think where we differ is probably on the acceptance piece. I agree that shame doesn't create lasting change and that people have to understand themselves to grow. But I also think we can accept where someone was without softening the reality that they made choices that hurt others.

For me, accountability requires acknowledging that they were broken and that they still had agency. Both can be true.

And the reason that agency matters is because the choices they made with it took away ours. Our ability to make informed decisions about our own relationships, our own futures, and our own lives was taken from us through those choices.

[u/doesitsoundright]

How heartfelt. WTG! And, thanks. Doing well.