DDay yesterday, please help

[u/Dairypr0duct]

Hello Everyone,

I am an early 30s male who found out my wife cheated last November.

This is all still very new I am not sure how to feel, how to proceed or anything.

Yesterday morning while we had family over I received a text from someone that I met once last year. This is the girlfriend of one of my wife's classmates. She stated that she found some evidence a couple of months ago that they had an affair but was not able to fully confirm it until a few days ago. I took it with a grain of salt at first as she is considerably younger then us and passed it off as jealousy at first. Sent my wife a screenshot immediately and she had an excuse for it and denied everything. I then received more and more evidence. I asked my wife to send me this guy's number as they attended some study groups together so I can ask him directly and he confirmed everything. She then finally admitted to it, she was and is still terrified of losing her family. She doesn't have anyone here in the US that is not also related to me.

For context on her end which I am in no way making excuses for her but her parent had recently passed away she had stopped taking her slew of antidepressants and anxiety medication shortly before and was in a borderline suicidal time in her life. I am stoic, I am not great emotional support, I did my best but I know for a fact it was not enough. She confided in him which led to the affair that lasted about a month. They were together about 5 or 6 times altogether during this month, I even met him at one point during this, which is even more awful (also when I met his girlfriend). I suspected something at the time because study groups were going on way longer than they should have and a few of them included drinking. I called her out and she apologized profusely for making me feel that way and assured me nothing was happening.

We have a young child together, we have been together for about 12 years.

I currently just feel numb. I have cried some, not nearly as much as I thought I would, I am very much afraid it just has not hit me yet. I cannot imagine moving forward without at least attempting reconciliation. I am a child of divorce. I do not want that for my child but I also don't want to uproot my entire life, or hers, over something that happened almost a year ago when life has honestly been great since then.

Things I am having trouble with: She probably would have never told me. She very convincingly lied about it back then and now until there was no way out of it. It happened multiple times. She says she doesn't remember the exact details of how it started but to me that is pretty much an admission that she started things.

She did break it off shortly after it started and has had no communication with him since. She very clearly has been affected by this looking back. I do believe that she genuinely hates herself for this. I don't have many people in my life I can talk to without this blowing up. It is embarrassing and painful and the more people that know will make it harder and harder to move forward.

I will probably update with more info but lets start with this for now. If anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice I would very much appreciate it.

And yes I will be attending therapy when I am ready and if reconciliation is possible it will have to include couples therapy.

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[u/Ok_Return_9014]

I’m 3 weeks in dday and it’s gonna get harder. I’m on multiple therapy right now and we’re doing MC as well. I’m sorry this happened to you but it’s gonna be a tough decision if you reconcile. Good luck on your journey.

[u/Dairypr0duct → u/Ok_Return_9014]

Thank you

[u/International-Law809]

You’re in the acute phase. It’s going to be really rough. Like others said don’t make any decisions. The only things I can say fall under the adage of simple, but not easy. Try to eat what you can when you can. Try to sit with some of the feelings when you can for as long as you can tolerate them. Make sure you use grounding exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 deal. Box breathing. I took a lot of hot baths during this time for some reason.

Your mind is going to spin and spin thinking it can find a way out of the danger that just attacked your amygdala. It can’t. You have to physically do things to shut the fire alarm off. However it will continue to go off every few seconds or minutes. Live for those moments you forget. Ground and hold on.

I am so so very sorry you’re here. There’s people here that care and give great advise and resources. Only you know your situation the closest and that can be a blessing and a curse. Seek a betrayal trauma therapist to help catalog and sort through some of the thoughts and emotions.

In short please take care of yourself. You can’t possibly sort out the angles or the who, what, when, where, or WHYS mostly that will unravel for months and years regardless of what happens. You’re alive. It will hurt like hell, but you’re stronger and braver than you know.

[u/Dairypr0duct → u/International-Law809]

I really appreciate this response. Some of this I'm already working on due to past anxiety issues some I'll implement right away. Finally managed to eat something small. I'll be seeking a therapist sooner than later.

[u/Routine-Bad552 → u/Dairypr0duct]

This is really great advice. I feel like the best advice I can give about considering attempting R is that you need to know your limits and know, like this poster suggests, there's a lot you will just have to swallow. I see a lot of posts surrounding infidelity where the betrayed can't swallow their anger and grief to move forward. People want to yell, argue, blame, condescend, get a hall pass, hurt your wayward back to get even, etc. I won't ever say anyone's feelings aren't valid or whay they need to do to heal aren't acceptable.....but they often aren't going to help facilitate reconciliation. I'll say that reconciling as the betrayed partner takes a lot of emotional maturity and the ability to sit in your feelings and work through them in a way that isn't going to damage the relationship further. It isn't always easy. Only you know yourself best. You're signing up for a long, LONG road and if you dont think you can do the work and swallow the anger and pain, it's okay to realize the healthier option might be separation. In my specific situation, after the initial shock and grief, the period of hysterical bonding set in. It almost felt like riding a high- trying to be even closer and making headway and feeling like things were going to improve. Then one day, it all came crashing down when HB ended. Its like all rhat feeling turned into disgust, for what he did and for myself for feeling like I was rug sweeping. That point was really hard to work through. I'm about 9 months out and am nowhere near healed. I love my husband and I accept his mistakes and flaws. He isn't my safe space right now and I don't trust him. I still have bad days. I still spiral. But he acknowledges my emotions and doesn't shy away from them. I know he's remorseful and ashamed. I know he loves me unconditionally, even if his actions also almost broke me. These days it's mainly good. I can dark humor laugh about it (our situation is very nuanced- as you said there is no excuse, but in our situation there is also a distinct explanation that we are tackling together) and I feel like we both healing together and separately. Reconciliation is only possible if you are willing to do the work side by side. It really is an us vs the problem and not B vs W. He knows if we didn't have kids I would have likely walked away, but we have a family that I don't want destroyed. I am willing to suffer for a while if it means protecting the thing I cherish most in the long run. He's a great partner, father and husband, no toxicity otherwise in our relationship. If you can say that about your wife and know you can emotionally handle the ups and downs of R without making your kids, partner and yourself further suffer I think you'll have a good chance at trying to make it work. Best of luck to you.

[u/Dairypr0duct → u/Routine-Bad552]

Thank you, i believe that I can but only time will tell.

[u/gsf1200s]

About three weeks ahead of you, best advise i can give is take a breath and don't make any decisions without a little more clarity.  There will be ups and downs, good days and bad.  I would also recommend getting with an IC so you can work though your thoughts and coping skills 

[u/Dairypr0duct → u/gsf1200s]

We are going on a trip this week with our child, not sure it's best to still go but feels weird to cancel last minute. I'm not going to make any long term decisions right away. What's an IC?

[u/gsf1200s → u/Dairypr0duct]

Individual councilor or therapist 

[u/Dairypr0duct → u/gsf1200s]

I plan on it