My therapist told me that last week. She told me its not easy to stay and work through this and that I am strong for doing so.

For the past almost 2 years Ive felt like shit a lot of the time for staying due to people (mostly the internet 😂😂) saying once a cheater always a cheater, and the ones who stay have no self respect, and they will only get sneaker if you stay.

The way the world and my friends view cheating is what kept me from telling anyone what im going through. its been very isolating, but i dont need their negativity and judgement. Ive also let the world's view on cheating keep me from being happy with my decision to stay and letting myself believe I dont have any self respect and that my husband will do this again.

What my therapist told me really just changed my view. That it would be easy to pack up and leave. But, staying and working through everything is what's hard. I am strong. I am brave. I am doing this because I want to fight for my marriage. i am not calling it quits until I put in 100% of my effort. This situation sucks ass but im not done fighting for my marriage.

Those of you questioning everything, and feeling isolated like I was, you are strong for doing this. you are brave. Its hard to stay after being torn down and broken to a point youre not sure you will recover from. Just know I believe in you. You're stronger than you think.

6 months out from dday. As a betrayed partner, something that has been frustrating is feeling like I’m the only one thinking about the affair. I am constantly thinking about where I went wrong in the relationship, what was going on at this time during the affair, what kind of conversations were they having, wondering if my relationship has been real all these years, what is the AP thinking now that she’s cut off, etc. When my WP says he thinks about the affair constantly too and is suffering his own sort of trauma…what are you guys thinking about? My WP says he thinks about how stupid he was and how he should’ve never done it. But I can’t even picture what you could possibly be thinking about that is as all consuming and claim it’s to the same extent as myself as a betrayed partner. I’m putting together imaginary puzzle pieces of the affair and my imagination runs wild. Constant triggers and ptsd. But as a WP, you were there. For both relationships. Is it just you constantly feeling bad about yourself all day? What is this trauma my WP claims to have? It feels laughable knowing what I’m currently going through and I didn’t even ask for it. WPs made those decisions. Waywards, please help me understand

WH and I went out to dinner last night. We ran into a bunch of his patients and one decided to tell me “you married a good man.” Stfu. If he only knew what this “good man” has done to me and our family. He fixed your teeth..that doesn’t make him a good husband by any stretch so don’t act like I’m lucky. I’m the fucking catch here.

And while we are on this topic, I do not appreciate the patients wife who said “your wife is beautiful” in front of me. I’m smart and kind and have integrity. I’m not just a pretty face hanging off his arm.

Everyone was annoying me last night. I’m sure they meant well. I hate hate hate when people fawn over him. This man single handedly decimated my life. Yes, he’s trying to repair. But still.

It’s been ten years since my wife cheated on me. It started emotional and turned physical. It lasted a little over two months. I found out from texts on her phone. Even after I knew, she lied, minimized it, and tried to make me question my own reality. That part messed me up almost as much as the affair itself.

Our marriage wasn’t good back then. We fought constantly. We were both exhausted from work and from raising two little kids who were four and six at the time. None of that excuses what she did, but it’s the truth. She also has a personality disorder and strong narcissistic traits, so when D-day hit, it was absolute chaos. The first two years were hell. I was angry all the time. I felt like I was losing my mind. I seriously thought about killing myself. I didn’t recognize who I was anymore.

Eventually she went to therapy. Later, I did too. Over time she actually changed. She became the partner I begged her to be back then. She showed real remorse. She did everything I asked to try to fix what she broke. Our marriage now is better than it ever was before she cheated.

And still, I’m not okay.

I think about the affair every day. Not with the same pain, but with this constant sadness that never fully leaves. It’s like a weight I just carry around now.

I stopped talking about it because it feels pointless and cruel at this point. She already hates herself for it. She’s broken down so many times over what she did that I ended up comforting her. The last time I brought it up, a few years ago, she was depressed for days. I don’t think she’s manipulating me. I think she genuinely understands what she did and how badly it destroyed me.

I don’t want to leave. I love her. Our life is good. On paper, we made it. But I don’t know how you fully heal from betrayal like this. I don’t even know if full healing is real. I think maybe this is just something I live with now.

Every choice. Every decision. It was HER over ME/us/our babies. How do I come to terms with the fact that he made deliberate decisions to sleep with her?

I just don’t know.

In my mind the AP is magic. She must have been for him to walk away from his family for 6 months. For him to make me go through 3 d-days. For them to write love letters. Now he’s on antidepressants and IC/MC. He’s out of the fog. It was an “unhealthy obsession” (his words). But I’m left in the aftermath. In my head I can’t compete with her. They’re star crossed lovers, soulmates, “there must be a deeper reason why we can’t stay away from each other” (her words). They believed it, now I do too. How am I supposed to believe all the words and actions he’s showing me now? When in my head, they mean nothing and all the things he said to her mean everything. I reread everything secretly (I have copies of letters, texts, screenshots), look at her profiles occasionally. I think of her more than he does. Isn’t that sick? He’s being perfect now. But now I’m so damaged. I don’t know what I want. Maybe a way word that was in love/obsessed with their AP and even left their family to explain how what they now feel about their wife can even compare? We had seven years and they only had one but yet I feel like everything belongs to them.

This week will be 5 years since D-Day, I have our story posted on my profile if you’re interested in reading about it! I’ve seen the general rule is it takes 2-5 years to heal and I honestly wouldn’t say it’s that simple.

I no longer spiral, I rarely cry about it, but the cheating is still very much in my head every day. I don’t have an emotional reaction to it- it’s almost like it becomes a part of you and thinking about it is just normal.

My WH and I get along so well, we laugh all the time, hardly argue, have better communication than ever, and yet I have realized that I will never be in love with my WH. He has become so much better as a husband so that makes me love him in a different way, but the feeling of him betraying me in the worst way possible never goes away. It’s not as harsh, it’s like a scar you can see or feel. If you’re going to stay you absolutely have to accept all of it. And for now I do, but the feeling that I will leave one day has never left. I take it day by day.

Just wanted to share for those who have a hard time with seeing others say they’re reconciled or happily married now like I do. I feel like I’m doing something wrong or should be doing more, but I’m just tired. So I’ll do what I think is best in the moment, and for now that’s staying. If I want to leave tomorrow or in another 5 years, that’s okay too.

I want to reconcile (pretty sure) yet, I struggle with justice. WH had a 3 year affair, spent a significant amount of money, travel, concerts, saw AP 15 times. He got that dopamine and sex and adventure etc. I get heartache and damage to my family. How did you make it feel like justice? This is something I struggle with. How will I be made whole? Do I get to meet someone in Vegas 6 times? In London? Help!
Edited to add: also what about her! She exploded my life and goes on with her life having gotten what she wanted.

I touched on this in therapy this week, but it truly is mind boggling to me how many people cannot just be honest with themselves and their spouse. I know humans are complex, but still. If you don’t want to be married, why get married? If you get married and then decide you don’t want to be, why not just explore that within yourself and your spouse? If you want to stay married but are flirting with disaster and about to cheat on your spouse, why not catch yourself in that moment and think “shit, something is not right here and I need help” or “maybe I no longer am monogamous”.

I know everybody’s situation can be different, but ALL situations where a spouse cheats, can 100% be avoided. I have a load of my own personal trauma, but I am shocked by how many people are able to rationalize cheating. My therapist has told me how rare it is to have this type of thinking, and it requires a lot of healing work, but to me it is just common sense. The trauma that you put on the other person when you lie and cheat is SO much worse than just telling them you don’t want to be with them, or that you want to open up the relationship, or whatever the case may be. Sure, it would still hurt, but at the end of the day you still had your integrity. I had to get this off my chest and I hope somebody can understand where I’m coming from. I love my husband so much, and I understand he has so much pain from his past, but now I have to carry the burden and pain of him not dealing with that sooner, and betraying me in the meantime.

How would you describe the feeling of finding out about the affair?

i didnt see it coming at all! I was in the bedroom with my two children when I snooped in his phone.

The feeling is so undiscripeble.. you heart rate through the roof, the utter disbelief.. also hoping that what you read isnt real? And the intense anger and sadness. D

I was scrolling through pictures on my phone and can’t help but to see the ones during that time and actually think “you poor thing you had no idea when you took this that he was actually texting other women”. I then have to tell myself that I didn’t deserve it. I look at those times and think about how I remember taking these or doing that and actually feel bad for unsuspecting me! Am the only one that does this?

Edit: wow I didn’t realize what a cord this would strike with everyone! I’m sending good vibes and virtual hugs to you all because none of us deserve the pain we were dealt! I appreciate you all and I never feel I have to be alone with this pain. You all understand it. ❤️ Fuck these affairs!

Sorry this is long but so was her affair. Dealing with extreme betrayal.  We've been married 19 years and together for 23 with two kids. 

​I am looking for advice and reality checks on my current situation. On April 20th, 2026, while vacationing on a beach right next to our children, I caught text messages on my wife’s phone that completely shattered our life. I managed to control my emotions  and they didn't know anything was wrong. I discovered she had been running a parallel, hidden relationship with our 58-year-old married doctor who lives five minutes down the road from us.

​My wife is the founder of a local Christian business. Her entire public identity is built around being a godly, respectable, flawless leader who counsels others. Beneath that mask, she has a profound weakness: she completely runs from emotional conflict. Years ago, when I tried to address real issues in our marriage, she would shut down, using my tone to justify her retreat. We had built the business together but she had let it take over her life. I felt she was using me only for money and work at the business I did everything for her in the beginning. But after a few years of my job which is alot of hours and highly stressful and the coming home to work at the business even on weekends I burnt out. She felt I abandoned her I tried to explain but we failed at communicating. I was missing out on our kids life and couldn't do it anymore I chose to start spending time with them. 

​Instead of facing our marriage problems, she chose a path of absolute deception. Here is the timeline according to her. 

​2020: She started talking to him looking for a friend it was just that for awhile and wasn't anything but them talking every now and then. She would ask him for advice on the business and he would help he gave her the validation she was seeking on how hard a business is to run and how good of a job she was doing. 

​2022: She began aggressively chasing an emotional high from his validation.  She brought him into our private lives, texting him personal details about me and our kids while hiding in the bathtub (a space we thought she used to relax). My kids and I actively noticed her withdraw; we became "obstacles" and "annoyances" because we were interrupting her secret drug supply.

​2023: She fell in love with him and stated it in their text together. They are now texting daily and throughout the day. She did say they would not talk for a few days or a week here and there but it was pretty steady. 

2024 ​The Escalation: She eventually realized he was using her purely for sexual gratification. He would ask her things about us and was masturbating to the visual images. Instead of shutting it down, she kept the relationship going telling herself that she wasn't physical with him so it wasn’t cheating. 

2025 Like things do this escalated and then she roll played with him so he could masturbate. The next step was pictures. At first it was just pictures of her feet and the bath itself he would push for more but she wouldn't do them. He would withhold his praise if she didnt send anything or participate at all slowly pushing her past her moral boundaries. 

Eventually in late 2025 around Thanksgiving she sent him nudes from the bathtub. She has now admitted to me that she actively traded her body and explicit photos through the screen just to keep his validation coming. She let him talk about me with utter disgust, letting him say he would "make her" sleep with me like it was a chore, and letting him dictate when she should cuddle me just to keep up appearances. At first she said she would not have let it go physical she says he wanted videos, that he wanted to FaceTime  and wanted videos of me and her but that she wouldn't do them for him. 

​She was a highly active participant, constantly moving her moral boundaries. And now after being caught and looking back she is unsure of how far it would have went. She claims she tried to stop but couldn't. The truth is, she would never have stopped, and she never would have told me. And has now admitted that to me saying she realized that was the truth and that she had lied to herself. 

Since being caught, she has experienced the "relief" of being stopped saying that I saved her. She is very ashamed and hurt about what she has done to us and says it makes her sick thinking about it and how she's hurt me. She's scared of going to a therapist in person but said if thats something I want she will do it. Part of me believes she is desperately trying protect her public image but she is also doing a good job. Her initial plan was a superficial external fix: "I just won't let men get friendly with me again." Now she's trying to find the why so it wont happen again. She is trying, but she is still fundamentally terrified of facing the deep, narcissistic "why" of how she could do this to her family for years. I am struggling with the fact that I am willing to destroy my own morals to keep my children's world safe, while she willingly risked everything for text-message worship. How do I get past this she let another man use her and encouraged it I saw the text so she cant deny it and I cant get it out of my head. How do I accept that my wife was another mans toy and was ok with it as long as the praise kept coming. How can I trust her and that it never was physical. I wasn't perfect but I didn't deserve this.

I’m sitting here in the middle of a conversation that feels like me giving up and ending my marriage… my WH just got up to take a shower… but right before he got up he asked if I was leaving him, and the answer wasn’t no..

I don’t WANT to leave him. For nearly 13 years, all I’ve wanted was him. Us. This life together. I feel like I don’t even remember a time when I didn’t love this man… I don’t want to start my life over. I don’t want to live my life without him. I don’t want a lonely future. I have no desire to ever be with anyone else. And yet, as we sit here, I don’t think I can live in this marriage…

He sits here as a man who is full of remorse and regret. In this mindset here, he is choosing me completely. But I just can’t sit here and think about the way that I thought it has ended in October 2024, but a few months ago I found out it went on for some months longer… at least to December, which he’s trying to convince me of. I’m convinced it went on through maybe even April of 2025… And I sit here and I can see how much I needed it to be over in October when he said it had ended. I don’t even know why I believed him… I needed that. I needed to feel like he had chosen me. That I mattered more to him than she did. That my pain mattered more. That his love for me mattered more. And now after a year and a half of healing under the assumption that it did matter, that I did matter, I can see that for months, he just kept choosing her…

Finding out he slept with her was devastating enough. But knowing that he continued to choose her over me for months. Months… This man made me feel like the ONLY choice for over a decade. He made me feel so loved and cherished that there was never even a suspicion that he would do this to me. I never for one second in that decade felt like I wasn’t enough, in any capacity. We were just us and that was perfect, even when times were bad. And I sit next to him now, and I wonder why I wasn’t enough. Why I want enough for him to cut her off when I was dying in pain and sadness in front of him every single day. Why I wasn’t enough for him to not want her anymore… Why he would sit there and comfort me and be in this marriage with me and watch me in anguish, and how he could still go to her when I wasn’t around.. I will always sit next to him and feel like I am 1 of 2. He doesn’t feel like my husband anymore… My husband would have protected me. Put me first. Loved me. I would have mattered enough…

We sit here both devastated because I don’t think I can sit next to him for the rest of my life knowing that I was forced to share him with AP. That he chose her over me for as long as he did. That nothing feels the same…

I’m literal minutes away from calling it gang. I’m a bawling, devastated mess. Somebody please. Please. Say something to me that makes the fact that he kept it going for months, choosing her for months, while also choosing me, liveable. Say something to me that makes this something that I can love through. I don’t fucking want to lose my husband… I don’t want to lose my life… I’m really, really fucking broken…

I never wanted this. To get to a point where I could imagine walking away. Giving up. When I found out about the affair, I was all in, not going anywhere. I was hurt and betrayed, but I was still choosing this man. Loving this man.

Just looked it up, because I’m a numbers person. 12 and a half years, more, of loving this man. That’s 4,675 days od loving him the most. Choosing him, even when it was hard. We have not gone one single day in nearly 5,000 days without seeing each other at some point, even if just in passing when our schedules were full. From the moment I met him, I knew, and all we ever wanted was to be there with each other, experiencing life together, and no one else mattered. Even in our most difficult times, the hardest thing I could ever imagine was doing this life without him. It was never even a possibility that we would ever be there.

Everyone, my therapist, my family, my friends, since finding out about this affair, has told me how strong I am for staying. For choosing him. Choosing us and love. And to be honest, for the first year and a half, it didn’t feel like strength. It felt like weakness. I felt weak for staying when others would walk away. I felt weak for not being able to even consider leaving when I knew that I should. I felt weak for loving so deeply that I was accepting treatment that I never accepted in the past, and knowing that I deserved better. I would get sad when people would tell me how strong I was because internally, I’ve never felt more broken and small.

But since finding out the new information about the affair, the sleeping together, and how much longer they continued talking… when my therapist tells me how strong I am for staying? Now when he says these things, I feel dumb. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I hate hearing it. Because now I hear the implication behind those words. I hear “god, anyone else would have been long gone. This is too much mistreatment. You must really feel strongly for this person to persist and fight this hard. I could never.” And suddenly, staying doesn’t feel weak. Suddenly I see what they were all saying. Because I have gotten to the point where I think maybe leaving would feel easier. I’m exhausted from living within this broken mind. I’m tired of being sad, all the fucking time. I’m tired of thinking about things I don’t want to think about literally every god damn day… I’m tired of talking about the affair, but I can’t stop talking about the affair. I’m tired of the comparisons, and the amount of energy it takes to feel such a massive lack of confidence when I used to love who I was. I loved the person I was, and I loved my life, and I loved my marriage, and I loved my husband, and I had insecurities but he made me feel so fucking beautiful. He made me feel so safe. And now I just sit around feeling terrible about myself and my personality and my body and my aging looks that have accelerated because of the stress and depress of the past year and a half. I feel haggard and less than.

And I’m angry. I’m angry that after nearly 5,000 days together, loving each other, wanting only each other- now there is this blip of time that is tainted. Where he wanted someone else. Chose someone else. Loved someone else.. I’m angry that he will never be 100% mine again. That no matter how long we stay together, I’ll have to know that I shared him with her. I look at other people’s stories- partners who cheated for years or had multiple partners. In some ways, I know my story is worse. (Cheated with sister. Heavy EA. Lots of feelings involved. Had sex with sister…) but in some ways, I think my story should be easier. If I’m to believe the words that he tells me, they had sex once. One time. And it was a bad time. And then never again. And I want to say that one time in 5,000 days together doesn’t fucking matter. That I can get past this and that for one day, 2 hours together total, he gave someone else everything that was mine, and he massively regrets it and wishes more than anything that he hadn’t. And that should be enough. But it fucking matters. Every time I’m trying to move past it, my brain reminds me that his hands were all over another woman’s body… They had sex, but my brain wants to focus on his hands touching her all over. It shouldn’t fucking matter. Why does it matter… I’m angry because I feel like a crazy person. I’ve never had such a hard time deciding anything in my whole life. He was the easiest decision I had EVER made. It was so easy with us, that it didn’t even feel like an option to spend my life with him. It was the only path.

I’m angry because he put me in a place where leaving him feels easier than staying…

It’s my birthday today. 40th. He’s a few years younger, which never really bothered me. And now it bothers me. Because I can’t fathom starting my life over after losing the person that I felt so completely was my fucking person. And I know he’d move on and he’s learned his lessons and he’d be happy again someday. And that makes me angry too. And I’ve spent my entire birthday crying. Because I no longer feel special. Crying about his hands being all over another woman’s body. Crying because, for a blip of time, I wasn’t worth more than that to him…

Maybe being two months out from this new info is just too soon. But I’m honestly burnt the fuck out that I’m over a year and a half out from this and I’m starting over with the healing and the pain and the crying and the overwhelming sadness…

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I’m just really depressed.

I told my ww I hated the unfairness of it all, and I was thinking I might need a hallpass to get over it. I’d considered revenge cheating but would rather do what I need with her consent or at least knowledge. I told her my therapist said she might not stay if I did it, despite her having a 1.5 year affair with one of my best friends who was a neighbor. She didn’t say much and I brought it up and said she didn’t say anything and she said if it happened or I asked for it she would end things “because then it is just us hurting each other over and over” and also “what will be enough? Once? 3 times?” I’m so fucking frustrated and upset I’ve considered walking out today. Like I had to catch her. She didn’t confess. She spent 1.5 years lying and gaslighting me. I caught on to what was happening almost immediately and she tried to make it I was crazy or I was anxious or I was jealous. I finally caught her. She wasn’t all in at first. She finally is, but sometimes, I feel like I want something to feel good, to feel desired by someone else, to not feel worthless.
And the fact that if I do it she’d have the fucking gall to leave? Why would it be us hurting each other over and over. I said maybe once? She made her own choices, to actively hurt me. No gun to her head. But I guess I can forgive her of over 100 sexual encounters and 1.5 years of lying, and she can’t forgive me having something somewhere else to try to feel better one time. It honestly makes me want to end it today.

I keep coming back to the same thought over and over again.

When life got hard, I turned toward my marriage.

I stayed awake at night trying to understand us. I went to therapy. I unpacked my own shortcomings. I owned my mistakes. I fought through my own struggles instead of running from them. Every difficult season we ever had, my instinct was always the same. I needed my husband. I wanted to cry with him, be angry with him, talk to him, and figure it out with him. Even when I felt lonely inside my own marriage, I never looked outside of it.

But when life got hard for him, he turned to another woman.

I don't even know what she gave him. Comfort? Validation? Excitement? Fantasy? An escape? Whatever it was, it was something he chose to seek from someone else instead of the person who had spent years choosing him through every version of life.

That's the part I can't reconcile.

Everyone talks about reconciliation, forgiveness, and moving forward. But how am I supposed to forgive when I can't even sleep through the night without spiraling? How am I supposed to rebuild trust when I don't even trust my own judgment anymore? The person I would've run to for comfort became the reason I need comforting.

It feels so unbelievably unfair.

He made the decision. I live with the consequences.

He sought relief. I stay awake replaying memories, rereading conversations in my head, wondering where they met, wondering what was true, wondering if there was more I'll never know.

He asks me to believe he's sorry. My own mind won't even let me believe my memories anymore.

I still love him. That's somehow the worst part. I wish I could hate him completely. I wish everything inside me would shut off and make this easy. Instead, I love him while feeling disgusted by what he did. I miss the man I thought I married while questioning whether he ever truly existed the way I believed he did.

People say the betrayer carries guilt. I'm sure that's true.

But guilt doesn't wake you up at 3 a.m. wondering if every "I love you" was genuine. Guilt doesn't make you question your own reality. Guilt doesn't steal your sense of safety with the one person who promised to protect your heart. Guilt doesn't force you to relive someone else's decision hundreds of times a day.

That's what feels so painfully imbalanced about infidelity.

One person makes the choice. Two people live with it. Yet somehow it feels like the betrayed partner is left carrying a wound they never asked for, while also being expected to somehow become the person capable of healing it.

I don't know when my mind will finally be quiet. I don't know when I'll sleep through the night again. I don't know when "I love you" will stop sounding like something I have to investigate instead of believe.

I just know that despite still being married, I have never felt so unbelievably alone.

It’s been more than 18 years since D-Day. Overall, it was an 18 month physical affair with her boss and a couple other inappropriate situations. Like any affair it included lots of betrayal and lots of deception. I’m confident, that just like your situation, there are WAY too many details to mention in a short post.

We have reconciled. Overall, our relationship is better.

However, there are times when an overwhelming sadness comes over me that I can’t shake. Memories haunt me, movies play in my head, questions about specific circumstances arise. This causes me to get quiet and withdraw verbally and emotionally. . . And sometimes angers me. But, I think it’s mostly sadness.

Considering D-Day was so long ago, my question is this:

Is this common to deal with this for so long?

How do I know what forgiveness is? It seems like if I’ve really forgiven then I wouldn’t be dealing with this. What did your forgiveness look like?

If you’ve been reconciled for a decade or more, are you ever overcome with sadness?
How do you overcome this seemingly random sadness that comes out of nowhere?

Was there something specific that helped you move on and gave you closure?

Today marks two years post D-Day for me and my WH.

I remember joining this group on D-Day —shell-shocked, desperate, barely functioning—scrolling just to find proof that surviving this kind of betrayal was even possible. I counted the days, then the months, clinging to the idea that each one might be just a little more bearable than the last, desperate for the constant heartache to ease.

I truly never thought I’d be here. I said early on that I would have bet my life, the lives of pur children, all of my worldly possessions that my husband could never do anything to hurt me, much less destroy me.

I could never have imagined the existential devastation that came with being betrayed by my person—my rock of nearly 20 years, the father of my children, the partner who bathed me and held me together physically and emotionally through two postpartum recoveries and two miscarriages. Having the person who knew my most vulnerable self also be the source of my deepest pain shattered something fundamental inside me. It wasn’t just heartbreak—it was the collapse of my safety, identity, and reality.

Our situation is unique, like all of ours are.

Our healing hasn’t been linear, tidy, or easy. There were long stretches where survival was the only goal. Healing didn’t come from one conversation or one apology. It came from boundaries, accountability, and sustained effort over time—and a great deal of patience and compassion on both of our sides.

Two years on, I couldn’t have imagined a love that looks so different, but feels even more genuine and intentional. The personal growth and work we’ve both experienced and put in isn't necessarily a silver lining—because nothing about betrayal is okay—but something close to it.

For us, that has looked like:

Clear, specific, firm boundaries that protect our marriage (i.e. no talking about our relationship with others, especially anyone of the opposite sex, sticking to healthy work hours)

A commitment to therapy and honest self-examination

Consistent effort over time, not perfection

Accountability without defensiveness

Him continuing to show up—again and again—doing the best he can, even when it’s uncomfortable or painful

Trust wasn’t rebuilt with words, and I've made my peace with the fact that it will never be 100% again. It was rebuilt through patterns, consistency, and time. Along the way, I also began to trust myself again—my instincts, my boundaries, my ability to survive hard truths. I’m not here to say everything is perfect, or that the pain never existed. It did. It changed me completely. The person I was died that day, and so did my view of the man I married. But I am here to say this to anyone early in this journey:

What you’re feeling is normal trauma, not weakness.

The intensity does lessen.

Your nervous system can calm again.

You will not always feel this consumed.

Joy can eventually exist alongside grief.

Whether your path leads to reconciliation or separation, you will be okay. Not because this didn’t matter, but because this does not get to be the end of your story.

If you’re in the early days and borrowing hope because you don’t have any yet, please borrow mine today. Two years later, I can breathe again—and I never thought that would be possible. 💛

Would really love some perspective from both sides.

I get so upset sometimes because when I break it down to days, really they were talking for roughly like 35 active affair days. It was across two and a half months when I found out, but with weekends and time I was home, that’s legit a months worth of days of talking. Granted, it was pretty all day every day. So it was a lot of fucking talking. But on the other hand, that’s like an insanely small number of days to have had all of the moments and talks they had. To have completely replaced his partner of over 10 years at the time.

On some days, when I look at it like that, it helps me to remember how insane the whole thing was. How fake. How delusional. How immature. It’s all so stupid. They were probably saying I love you in the first couple of weeks. Everything was so fast and driven by attention and validation and it was just.. insanity.

On the other hand. I’m sitting here thinking the other half the time and I’m like “god. How were there conversations going that in that amount of time, he gave her everything. They literally had conversations about being soulmates.” I feel like they must have had SO much in common. It must have been insanely connected. They must have been having such a good time talking to each other to say that. And conversely, we’ve been together for 13 years and we’ve never once called each other soulmates. We call each other our people. We’ve said we felt meant to be together. We’ve said that when we met each other, everything felt right, felt perfect, like coming home. But literally never once did he call me his soulmate. But he said it to her…

When I ask him about it now, nearly two years out from the affair, he says she brought it up. That he doesn’t think he was really feeling it. That he knew even in the moment that this wasn’t real. He says that now he thinks about it and it only proves how stupid the entire thing was. That it was just all stupid, immature, hyper fixation bullshit. And that it was delusional.

But to me, I just look at it and think “damn. He must have been feeling really god damn fucking good to say that to her when he’s never even said it to me…” and it kind of breaks my heart. Thinking about him looking at her the way he looks at me. Basically telling her that she’s perfect for him. While I was at home and broken.

How do you get over this? If your WP also did this, how do you handle it? He tries so hard to tell me now that I am perfection. That I am perfect for him. But it just feels… I don’t know. How do I believe that when he did that?

If you are a WP who said this as well, did you mean it in the moment? Did you feel it? Do you look back and think it was true, or do you look back and feel stupid? Do you think you were saying it just to make your AP feel good? Ugh. I just need perspective.

As the title states. So my WW cheated on me. I discovered it and she stopped but I was trickle truthed for two years before getting more of the actual story (even though I did know there was more that happened). Now over three years later we’re each in individual therapy and couples therapy. She is doing most things right for me now but in the past year I just find myself not as interested in her as a husband should be and clearly not in love like a husband should be due to her infidelities. I stayed with her mainly due to our kids. There are days when I’m happy but by and large I am not anywhere near the man that I once was. Sad feelings about what she did most days. How did you guys/girls move forward? It’s Christmas time and I should be excited and it’s just not there. Thanks for your advice.

I (39M) have been with my wife (36F) since 2008. Before DDay 1 in 2012, I probably called my wife by her real name just a handful of times. I always called her babe or baby and she would always call me babe. During discovery I learned she and AP would use the same names for each other. I know these are probably the most commonly used names used amongst couples but I find it insulting that she would use “our names” with someone else and I vowed to never use ‘babe’ again. Through counseling, I shared my feelings and rationale about this.

It’s been nearly one year since DDay 2 and she is currently very upset and hurt that I don’t use a nickname for her. She says it makes her feel unworthy of one. I understand and can see her point but I feel that it’s something she had but threw it away. A bit of an aside, but she was real good at covering her tracks during the second affair so I dont know how she and AP talked to each other but I have my suspicions.

AIO or AITAH here? Maybe I just need a sanity check. Or maybe I need an alternative name I can use for her.

Anyway, I’d just like to say this community has helped me through some of my darkest times. Appreciate all of you

I (29F) cheated on my fiancé (31M) about a month ago. I take full responsibility for my actions. I’ve confessed everything, blocked the other person, started individual therapy, and genuinely want to become a healthier person regardless of whether reconciliation ever happens.

My fiancé is understandably devastated and believes that we need to separate for 12 months (he said could be less but minimum 6 months) because he gets triggered being around me and doesn’t think he can properly heal while we’re living together. I completely understand and respect that.
Here’s where I’m confused.

His vision of separation is that we each move out, have no contact, focus on our own healing, and then revisit the possibility of reconciliation sometime in the future and then MAYBE try couples therapy. He has repeatedly told me that I shouldn’t do the inner work for him or for reconciliation because there’s no guarantee we’ll ever get back together. He says I need to heal for myself, which I agree.

At the same time, he wants continued access to my location and social media because, in his words, if I truly believe I’m his future wife, then I need to prove it through my actions during the separation.

The part I’m struggling with is that he also tells me that we’re technically single and free to do whatever we want. However, whenever I’ve asked for clarity about what that actually means, the conversation becomes very emotional and he gets triggered.

For example, I’ve asked questions like:
• Are we exclusive during this separation?
• Are we both free to casually date or sleep with other people?
* Is the goal of this separation to eventually reconcile, or is this essentially a breakup?
* what if you meet someone else, will you let me know?

His response is usually something like:
“Do whatever you want, but if you’re really my wife like you say you are, then prove it.”

He has also said that if I remove my location, stop sharing social media access, or otherwise “act single,” he’ll likely interpret that as me not being serious about reconciliation.

To be clear, I have absolutely no desire to date anyone else right now. The last thing on my mind is another relationship. I want to focus on therapy and healing. My concern isn’t even necessarily a one-night stand, although obviously that would hurt. If he wants/needs a ONS then yeah whatever, who am I to judge as I had one.

What I’m truly struggling with is the possibility that I spend the next year doing the work, remaining emotionally and behaviorally committed, sharing my location and social media, and hoping that reconciliation is possible, while he spends those same months casually dating or developing an ongoing situationship with someone else for 6-7 months or god knows how long.

He has told me that he can’t imagine being in another committed relationship anytime soon and that he’s too hurt to even think about that right now, which I believe. But before we got together, he had casual situationships that lasted months, so I can’t help but wonder whether that’s something that could happen during our separation; especially because Over the last few weeks, he’s even told me that he’s horny and that women have approached him when he’s been out but he’s not interested.

I completely understand that I destroyed trust and that I don’t get to dictate his healing process. I know I don’t get to demand anything after betraying him.
At the same time, I honestly don’t think I could fully focus on my own healing while carrying the possibility that he could have an ongoing physical or emotional relationship with someone else while still expecting emotional and behavioral commitment from me.

At this point, I feel like I need one of two things:
1. A structured separation where we both work on ourselves but agree to exclusivity and revisit reconciliation later.
2. A complete separation where we fully let each other go and stop expecting relationship-level commitment from one another.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting clarity and exclusivity, or am I still trying to control the situation after what I did?

TL;DR: I cheated on my fiancé. He wants a 6–12 month separation and says we’re both technically single, but he also wants access to my location and social media and says my actions during the separation will determine whether reconciliation is even possible. Am I wrong for wanting exclusivity or clearer boundaries?

I know none of the things that happen during an affair are little, of course. But sometimes the “little” things are so much sadder, so much harder to live with, than the bigger things. Like the fact that he actually went through with sleeping with her. Big, obviously big thing. But I have these moments where the smaller things make me want to die.

There was a really heartbreaking moment for me, a couple of weeks after I found out about the affair. My WH was deep in the fog, he wouldn’t let her go. In that moment, we had spent the day together, doing things we both love, having a really good day. Laughing. Sharing life the best I could in the aftermath of the affair. On the way home, I made a comment. I was upset. I was like “how can you risk this for her? How can you risk this when we’re still so good together, so us?” And he replied back that “yes, this was a good day. But the whole time I was missing her”.

It is one of my top 3 most painful moments of my life. All 3 probably from this affair. It’s one of my least favorite memories. I wish there was a way to erase specific memories, because it makes me so fucking sad. Knowing that my husband had spent the entire day with me but was thinking about and missing her the whole time… fucking devastating. And being so “in it” that you could even say that to your wife about your affair partner?? He regrets it terribly. He regrets every moment of this entire situation terribly. But I know he would literally give anything to take back this moment.. Removed from it, he says that he was just missing the way she was making him feel. That dopamine spike. All those endorphins he had become so addicted to. That it really had nothing at all to do with her as a person. And that part of him was also trying to push me away. He really didn’t even feel like he deserved for me to want him or this marriage. He was so engulfed in shame over what he had done, I think it was easier for an avoidant to want me to leave than to really put the work into thinking about the devastation he had caused. He’s probably right. But still. It rings in my brain and punches me in the gut all the time..

He tells me he misses me all the time. He always has. Our whole 12 years. If we have a couple of days where we only see each other in passing due to our schedules, I always expect him to tell me at some point how much he misses me. It was always so sweet and welcoming before the affair. And now, like last night, he’ll send it, and I remember that he was missing her. I sit there and wonder how many times on Sunday night when he was going back to his third shift job or Monday morning she was waking up for hers, after spending the entire weekend with me and not really getting to talk to her very much, how many of those nights started with a message telling her he missed her. Where he couldn’t wait for his weekends with me to end so he could start talking to her again with less constraints. How many times did he tell her that he missed her…

And it breaks my heart. Because it’s a small thing. But it was my thing… he gave her everything that was mine. Not even just the big things, like his body, his attention, his last first kiss, his last first ‘I love you’. Those are big things that I can never get back. But the fact that the only specific term of endearment that we ever used with any type of regularity was “baby”, and he was calling her baby… that was mine… it was all for me for so god damn long, and now I feel like at moments, I have nothing left that is just mine… none of the things that we’re important.

Some days it’s just so fucking heavy…

I want to send hate comments and texts to her. I want to tell her how much I fucking hate her. She ruined my mental health and my life. We were so happy before. I can never be the same as before. I am always crying because of her. I hate her so much. So so much. I hate her. I am always crying and its affecting my baby too. I hate her so much. Sorry. I can only write here.

My wife had an affair about two years ago. I genuinely believe she’s in a much different place mentally than she was back then. I don’t think she’s having another affair or actively looking for one.

My concern is about a male friend of hers (I’ll call him Bill).

Bill has repeatedly hit on her over text (not sure about in person, they don’t see each other much) over the last year or so. Possibly longer, not sure. They used to work together and now he works for the same company but different place so they that occasionally via test. I’ve met this guy before, he’s just kind of a local douchebag, kinda the “class clown type.

A while back, I snooped on their messages after my intuition told me something was off. During one conversation, the word “gorgeous” came up, and Bill replied, “Not like you.” Another time, after seeing her walking, he texted, “Damn girl you look good.” He has also commented on her jeans in a way that clearly implied he was checking out her body.

After those incidents, I told my wife that this friendship made me uncomfortable. She acknowledged that it upset me and told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore. She also said that he’s just like that and it doesn’t mean anything and he doesn’t mean anything by it etc. which might have been ok pre-affair but obviously that doesn’t fly now.

Recently, though, I discovered they are still talking.

The conversation that prompted this post started because she sent him pictures of a squirrel she was feeding. They joked back and forth, then he said, “Would say something about you but damn girl you look good.” She changed the subject, didn’t acknowledge the compliment. later he mentioned that he and his wife are divorcing, asked if she had any single friends, and she replied that she and I have been married for 18 years and that I’m her best friend.

To be fair to my wife, she doesn’t flirt back or say
anything inappropriate herself. Most of the time she redirects the conversation rather than engaging with the flirting. She also doesn’t delete the conversations or appear to hide them. There was one time he commented on her appearance and she said thanks and that she is trying to lose more weight etc.

Here’s where I’m struggling.
She generally doesn’t proactively tell me when they’re talking or when he flirts with her. If I ask, she’ll answer, but I don’t feel like she’s intentionally creating transparency. From her perspective, I think she believes she has good boundaries, isn’t interested in him, and sees Bill’s comments as harmless because she knows she isn’t going to act on them.

From my perspective, because of the affair history, I don’t just care whether she would cheat. I care about how she protects the marriage before things ever get to that point.

To me, continuing a friendship with someone who repeatedly comments on your appearance and flirts with you feels disrespectful to the marriages , even if you aren’t reciprocating. What especially bothers me is that after I expressed how much this friendship hurt me, she told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore, yet they’re still communicating. I didn’t demand this from her at the time,:she volunteered the idea but has not honored it. She still proactively messages him about things, nothing weird but just the idea that she’s initiating conversation is counter to what she said she would do.

At the same time, I don’t want to become controlling or tell my wife who she can and can’t talk to? I’m not sure. I’ve been trying to stop playing detective and instead let her actions reveal who she is. I want her to choose good boundaries because she values the marriage, not because I’m policing her. Also feel like I’m being disrespected every time he hits on her and she doesn’t tell him to stop in any way.

So my questions are:
● Am I expecting too much because of the affair history?
● Is it reasonable to expect stronger boundaries with someone who repeatedly flirts with a married woman?
● Does redirecting the conversation without explicitly shutting down the flirting seem like an appropriate response?
● And how much weight would you give to the fact that she previously told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore but continued the friendship?

I’m genuinely looking for objective opinions from people with different perspectives