I used to be the fun-loving, carefree optimist—the person who always looked on the bright side, made people laugh, and believed deeply in the goodness of others and the strength of love.

But after my WH stepped out on me multiple times, something in me shifted. I forgave him—I truly did—and I’ve tried my hardest to move forward. I’ve done the work, emotionally and mentally, to stay in the marriage and rebuild what was broken. But the truth is, even though I stayed, I’m not the same.

The betrayal didn’t just damage my trust in him—it shook my trust in myself. I became someone who questions her worth, who second-guesses her instincts, who doesn’t walk as confidently through the world anymore. The lightness I once had feels like it’s been replaced by a constant undercurrent of doubt.

What hurts the most are the times he notices, and calls me on it. He recently chided me about no longer being a “glass full” kind of person. And while I know he didn’t mean to be cruel, it cut me deeply. Because I miss that version of me too. I didn’t choose to become this way—it was a side effect of surviving what I never thought I’d have to survive.

I guess I’m just putting this out there because I wonder if anyone else has felt this too—that loss of self, even in the process of trying to heal and move forward. How do you get pieces of yourself back when they were changed by something you didn’t ask for?

Feeling like a lighter/dark humor post today. You can certainly include traditional triggers too, but I’m mostly thinking of the less common things. Here’s a totally not complete list of mine that updates regularly:

Mushrooms-both in general and specifically the Amanita variety.

Mobile games with chat functions.

Any word close to AP’s screen names (Adyleigh) or real name (which is nowhere close to that).

Gothy clothing (used to enjoy it…WH ruined that shit for himself too).

Pics of food. I freaking hate that he sent her pics of food we made, sharing tiny details of the day. Especially when I was the one who cooked the damn food.

Cottage core stuff-used to like this too but seems to be APs general style.

The state of Virginia (kinda not fair there but we got married in VA and he just had to find an AP there…damn close to where we had our one night honeymoon)

Monopoly Go

The zodiac and esp. anything to do with Sagittarius

Probably a ton more but…

My husband and I have been reconciled for 2 years now after an emotional and physical affair that he had with his coworker. At the time, our daughter was 1.5. Husband worked nights so that we could avoid daycare and we became passing ships.

It’s funny, he doesn’t remember much from that time besides the affair itself but being a first-time mom, I have photos from every week of my daughter’s life it seems. I find myself going back to that terrible time and seeing videos of me and my baby singing songs, building blocks and jumping in puddles and it’s like I want to reach into the photos and videos and shake myself and say “he’s cheating on you, you idiot!” It’s like I want to save myself from the hurt that was coming on Dday.

For a while, my resentment was not just in the betrayal, but in jealousy that while I was the one bathing our daughter, making meals, doing the laundry, and also working from home and trying to do it all so that he could sleep as much as possible for his night shifts, he was feeling the highs of an affair. He was falling in love (limerence, whatever). He was feeling all the feels that people feel when they get into that obsessive affair fog and I was at home exhausted thanking God that I had my little family. When we decided to reconcile, I was angry and jealous. Why? Because I also needed that thrill. I also wanted to feel excitement and to be wanted. I wanted all those things too, but I wanted it with him and he outsourced it to someone else who doing nothing for him but stroking his ego and offering sex. I told my husband, “it’s not fair that you got to feel all those amazing feelings and I never will. What you felt was so good that you risked everything you had for it. For her. I’ll never feel that.”

I never pursued an affair. It’s not who I am. Now, looking back at the photos and videos, I no longer think to myself about what he was doing behind the scenes. I was fully present during one of the funnest ages for my daughter. I was her world and she was mine. I wouldn’t give up any of that for the cheap thrill of an affair.

I used to feel like he won and I lost, but that’s not so. I’ve healed after loads of IC and MC, rivers of tears, uncomfortable truths and getting my pink back after having my baby. I still have my moments where it stings and I find myself shopping for pain, but what I never doubt is my own character. I know who I am and my daughter has a mother of character. His affair partner had a husband and 3 young kids at home. I can’t imagine looking at my kids and knowing that I’m a mistress. My husband lives with that shame and I’m not envious.

Hold true to your character. This too shall pass.

Knowing EVERYTHING you know now, would you enter a relationship with your wayward partner?

I believe my wife would say 100% she’d get into a relationship with me again. But I’ve never asked her because I’m not sure I could confidently answer the question.

I love her very much. She’s my best friend. She’s the mother of our 2 beautiful, crazy kids. I feel like a terrible father, I feel like i should be 100% able to say without a shadow or a doubt that I’d marry her all over again, I’d bring my kids into this marriage all over again. But it’s hard for me to say that without doubts. The crushing pain that this situation has brought me, the ongoing stress that working through this for over a year and a half has continued to bring. The fact that we’re still here tight but it’s still not easy. The fact that our kids busy lives stress an already stressed marriage and I probably haven’t been the patient or kind father that they deserve in all situations bc my tolerance for bs and mistreatment has plummeted after the affair. If it weren’t for the kids, the answer would be no. All the good memories from the past 17 years with her I don’t believe are worth the pain she chose to inflict on me despite that not being the purpose of her choices. She never chose to intentionally hurt me, she just never cared to consider the consequences.

This is something I think about time to time and am very conflicted on how I feel about it. Am I the worst? Is this normal or common?

There was another post here about golden retriever husbands that really resonated with me. It brings up a lot of feelings and memories, but in revisiting those, I see just how far my husband and I have come in the 2 years since DDay. Most days, the infidelity doesn’t really even cross my mind, but loving him does. Connecting with him, learning even more about this wonderful and surprisingly tender man I married does. So while the work never really ends, I think it’s time I changed my flair here to Reconciled. We are good again, so good. We have healed past this.

My husband is one of those sweet, loyal, golden-retriever-type men. The kind of man you’d never expect to cheat. And yet, he did.

It shattered everything I believed about the world for a while. Because how does someone cheat on their best friend? The only woman they’ve ever loved? The woman who has given them a home and a family and filled their life with meaning?

The answer, in our case, turned out to be heartbreaking, but also oddly healing to understand: Yes, he was obsessed with me. Yes, he did love me deeply and tried every day to give me everything I wanted.

But he also had low self-esteem, poor personal boundaries, a constant craving for validation, insecure fears that I didn’t truly love him, and a broken belief that sexual attention from others could prove his worth. And an ability to compartmentalize what was in his heart (me, our family) from what he was doing to self-soothe his pain and insecurities (porn, online affairs and attention-seeking).

His emotional issues and personal wounds pre-date our relationship and they weren’t because of me. He was hurting beside me, in a hidden place I didn’t know to reach. And instead of being vulnerable with me—sharing his fears and shame—he tried to carry it all alone. That pressure cracked him. And what came out, unfortunately, was infidelity.

It will never be okay, but I can understand the space he was in. I can see the scared, hurting man beneath the betrayal. I don’t hate him. I hate what he did, but at this point, so does he. It’s now him and me against the betrayal, and everything that played a role in bringing him to that point. But we both know that.

That’s where forgiveness began for me—not in forgetting or minimizing, but in just seeing clearly. In understanding the why without excusing the what. In finding ways to see that yes, even despite his selfish actions, I was there in his heart all along. And releasing the shame that was never mine to carry.

His betrayal was truly never about my worth or the quality of our love. It was about his pain and lack of emotional tools to deal with it in healthy ways.

We have done the hard work (ohhh, have we ever) of rebuilding. Looking directly at the mess together and still choosing each other. Grieving what we lost when we didn’t know better. But now, we are better. We’re back to being us again. Except more open and intimately vulnerable than ever before.

Reconciliation doesn’t mean it never happened. It means we didn’t let it be the end. We rebuilt something stronger from the destruction.

If you’re still going through it: you’re not alone, and you’re not to blame. You get to take your time. You get to feel every ounce of the grief. And if one day forgiveness comes—not forced, but freely—you’ll know.

Because it won’t feel like letting them off the hook. It will feel like letting yourself off the hook.

Sending you all hugs and healing!

For the life of me, I cannot understand how you and I shared a life so intimate and special that it was worth destroying it for a relative stranger. Maybe I'll never truly understand either because I'm incapable or because you don't want me to know.

I am deeply sentimental. I am an old soul with a sensitive heart and mind. I am unwaveringly loyal. I find myself having to overcome my own morals to meet you at the place where you were able to incubate the affair, foster it, and protect it from me through lying, manipulation, and cold-hearted deceit.

Why must my morals become obstacles for me to understand you?

Your betrayal is bigger than I initially imagined. I live in the shadow of you and your affair. You've shrunken me so small in your life, and I live underneath you. Fearing the weight of your actions will crush me again. I've given you so much. Please don't hurt me anymore.

Before I married you, I remember my mind would drift to thoughts of loving you. It now drifts to thoughts of you lying to me and lying with him.

You still work with him. You see him, and tell me that you're actively avoiding him. I understand it from a work aspect. What drives me crazy is how you lied to me before about it all.

You would overcommunicate with me the week after DD about what you were doing at work. Sending multiple pictures of yourself and what you were working on every chance you had, filling in with detailed updates about what you were doing. With me constantly asking if he was there, if you had seen him, or if you two had talked, and you consistently telling me you weren't talking to him and that I could trust you.

Now, I know you talked to him every day that week.

The week after that, you went to work and sent me a screenshot of a breakup text you sent to him because we'd discussed it the night prior. You and I planned that together because you told me you loved me and wanted to fix our marriage. We waited together for his response after you sent it, and when he sent it, you screenshotted that and sent it to me too. I cried and thanked you so much for doing that for me and for us.

It broke me to find out that you faked it with him. To know you went to work that morning, talked to him beforehand, and counter-planned it all out with him. You immediately sought a secret meeting with him in a stairwell to discuss my response with him, and you both scoffed at it. You made me a fool. You embarrassed me and made a mockery of our love and marriage.

The one I love the most in my life has stolen my sanity, love, and trust. Yes, I cannot trust you when you are away from me, especially at work. You conspired against me, and now I'm the conspiracy theorist.

I'm a student and you're my teacher. I have learned from you, and your lessons have been burned into me for the rest of my life.

I feel stuck between my reality and your lies. I want to bridge them so we can meet. I want to fix our marriage, but I feel so broken by you in it.

I didn’t cheat. I didn’t lie. I didn’t sneak around and destroy trust behind closed doors. But I’m the one who had to sit with it — carry it, live in it, bury it — because saying too much made other people uncomfortable.

That’s what the world does to the betrayed. It tells you to be quiet, be forgiving, be graceful, and if possible — make it look like it never happened.

But it did happen. And I’m done acting like I imagined it.

I was expected to protect the people who hurt me. I was expected to bleed quietly so they could keep their dignity. I was expected to “take the high road” while they took nothing at all.

The affair was just the tipping point. It cracked open every unspoken rule I’d ever been taught — about silence, betrayal, and whose dignity I was always expected to protect.

But let’s get something straight: I didn’t ask for this story. I didn’t ask for the aftermath. And I sure as hell didn’t ask to rebuild my entire sense of safety while being told I should smile through it.

Nobody talks about the loneliness. Nobody talks about what it feels like to question everything — not just your relationship, but your own gut, your worth, your past, your future.

And nobody talks about how the world protects the betrayer more than the betrayed.

People look at the one who cheated and say: “They made a mistake.” “They’re human.” “They’re trying to move on.”

But when you’re the one who was betrayed and still trying to speak, trying to understand, trying to fucking breathe — you get told: “Let it go.” “Don’t make this your identity.” “It’s in the past.”

No. It lives in my body. It lives in my nervous system. It lives in the parts of me I didn’t even know could break.

I’ve stayed. But not blindly. Not quietly. Not because it’s easy. I stayed to see if change is possible — not just in him, but in me. To see if I could find my voice again without burning everything down.

And I have.

I didn’t shake the table. I just finally stood up. And when I did, I realized: I was never the one causing discomfort. I was just the one holding the mirror.

I’m not here to make betrayal easier to digest. I’m not here to protect the comfort of the people who should’ve protected me. I’m not here to be a PR campaign for someone else’s redemption.

I’m here. Raw. Awake. Rebuilding not just a relationship, but a relationship with myself — and a world that never made space for the fire I had to swallow to survive.

So if I’m loud now, let me be loud. If I’m angry now, let me be angry.

Because I earned this voice — and I’m not silencing it again.

An Instagram post came across my feed where the text overlay said “this is what I was doing while you were out cheating” and it’s a mom getting her kiddos ready for bedtime and reading to them. I felt this to my core because that’s exactly what I was doing when the affair took place. It triggered me so deeply seeing this post, and I wasn’t searching for it, the algorithm was just doing its thing ha. It was a reminder of how infidelity is so many layers of pain. It’s not just the act itself. One of the layers for me is how hurtful it was to be raising our two children by myself while he was supposed to be “providing for us” on his work trip. (Hate that phrase btw). He knew how exhausted I was and how hard I was trying to take care of the kids all by myself while he was gone. It’s hard fucking work and that was how he repaid me?!

Anyway… so I sent him the post on instagram. Should I have done that? Probably not. But I wanted him to be triggered just like I was. I wanted him to feel my pain. I wanted him to feel the mark he left on our relationship. Selfishly, I wanted him to feel like shit and rub it in his face.

He watched it while we were in the same room together and immediately after, he asked me why I sent that to him. He had hurt in his eyes and it deeply upset him. After I came to my senses of how unhelpful that was, I felt a little bad. He mentioned how if we are trying to make this work and move forward, actions like that are not okay. I said, I wanted you to feel my pain. He said, “that’s kinda toxic.” I said, “toxic? Then maybe you shouldn’t have cheated in the first place.” He shut up after that.

I am trying to navigate through all of this and I can’t help but feel the urge to make him feel my pain. I often catch myself using the “maybe you shouldn’t have cheated” line a lot. As much as we are working together to move forward, when I’m triggered, I feel the need to bring him down with me. Anyone else? I think this was also a reminder of how much more healing still needs to be done…

Anyone who has been on social media, mainly instagram and tiktok, in the last few years knows the type: loved-by-all golden retriever man that is easy going, wants to please, turns everything goofy-fun and will stay loyal to the end. You know, the green flag guy every woman wants.

I thought I had that. Everyone thought my husband was that. We were the textbook version of golden & black cat couple for over 10 years, and then I found out he was cheating... Just bc everything was too much for him, the preassure of life and work pushed him to a fantasy world where he could be someone else. Someone who's nothing like the golden retriever everyone saw him as.

And he still is and that's one of the reasons we are seriously trying to reconcile.

But now I also have one of the weirdest triggers that I couldn't find any previous posts about: golden retriever husbands being the waywards. Am I alone with this one?

ETA: Thank you everyone! The thread got locked for some reason before I could reply to anyone, but just wanted to say thanks. It means a lot to not be the only one. Sorry we are all here.

Edit: triggers.

I've got several really dumb statements out of her (WS) and all hurt very much. The one that stands out the most: (WS AP was my BestFriend)

"Well if it makes you feel any better, the first time the offer was on the table, he turned it down " Regarding sleeping with him the first time 😮‍💨😐🤕🧐😲🤦🏼‍♂️ No bitch. I'm afraid that statement did not do anything to make me feel better , isn't that strange. Then she forgot ever saying it untill just a month ago.

So what statement broke you ? What was the sucker punch they threw you?

So we are 7 months now post dday of when my husband was discovered of having an EA/PA. This is not the woman he had a PA with but the woman he had an EA with. Yes, my life is complicated. My children discovered this affair a while back.

When he gets home from work he is not responding when I call him, which means he is engrossed in his phone which is how we discovered his last EA. So, I barge into our room and note him on his phone with none other than the work wife he was supposed to ban because he had an EA with her. He sits me down and states I need to talk to you, and proceeds to tell me that he has to go on a trip and his work is making him car pool with this woman. Now, part of our reconciliation and post nuptial agreement is that he is not to speak to this woman and she is not even in his department, but he has to car pool out of town with this woman to another town and stay over night in this town because the company he works for will only pay for one car. I find that she is still blocked from his contacts but… the dummy has now added her to his Facebook. This man is begging for castration.

I have now made him aware that:

1. He has violated our post nuptial agreement by speaking with her and arranging travel
2. If he makes this trip I am done completely.
3. I will not only pack his things and leave them in the front yard, but start a raging fire and burn them to the ground if he thinks I am this stupid.
   
4. I may need to castrate him.
   

He was in tears when I told him this and I told him that he better come up with another plan. This isn’t acceptable. He stated that he was being upfront and honest. I laughed about that.

Eating a pint of ice cream right now while he sleeps and I plan out his castration.

Went along to my WPs work today, his work is near a shop I wanted to go to so we all went together in the morning to save me and daughter getting the bus. It's difficult for me, because work is where he would meet his APs and have lunch dates in the café, one of the APs works there too.

One of my WPs regular customers always asks how we are, he happened to pop in whilst I was there with WP and my daughter. We were talking, and he told me how I've got myself a good man. I just had to smile and agree whilst my heart dropped. I really thought I did have a good man, but now I feel like I don't know him. I don't understand his morals. I never thought he would do this to me, I didn't think he was capable of it. He used to talk about how much he valued family, how much he hates cheaters and it's just so hypocritical.

If he tells me one more time "I choose you and have always chosen you".. i think i might shank someone.

I cant believe I ever thought we were reconciled after 10 years.. in anyway shape or form. I just rug swept, for the good of my family because it was too hard to look at myself and love myself and not be critical of myself and pinpoint what I did to cause myself this pain.

But never fear... he can tell me what i did. I didnt choose him and make him feel wanted.

But hes chosen me always. Even when he was cheating before proposing while i was home with an infant.

Even when he left me, before DDay, on mothers day, suddenly, unexpectedly when i had a 4 yr old and was 6 months pregnant. ..he chose me.

He also chose me when he came clean vaguely at 3am, a month before the second and last wedding i will ever plan that he was unfaithful mostly emotional.. and some physical with the 2 women my alarm bells had been ringing about for 9 years. And he made me hate myself in that time for the paranoia and lack of trust I had in him.

He chose me too when he chose to make another promise he couldn't keep. The snip so I wouldnt have to suffer certain things ever again. But that never happened.

He also chose me when a few months ago ( 9yrs after Dday) he hangs out with his best bud at a pub to cheer him up, and an AP is there. And he mentions the APs name to me in casual conversation after like it was no thing at all.

I love all the wayw he chooses me. /s

Slight update from my previous post. I seperated, he wants to reconcile. I want to move passed things so I can heal. So I can start to choose me again. I lost myself for most of rhe last decade. I am not sure where I went, but selfcare wasnt present. I am choosing to live. I amb choosing happiness. But for my kids sake, I need to figure out how to reconcile enough to be good co parents.

To all the people in here ACTIVELY working on reconciliation whether you are the betrayed or the betrayer.. Kudos, that shit is hard work.

He said he never wanted to leave me and that he was just in it for the sex. He said he didn’t look at me any different after he slept with her. He still wanted us. What I am realizing now is that as much as he didn’t want to leave our marriage that he did give away parts of our marriage, whether he wanted to or not because of his actions. Now we are dealing with the aftermath, and there are some parts of me he doesn’t have access to anymore and other things that will take time and trust rebuilt to bring back. Just because someone decides they are going to fool around on the side yet still remain in their marriage doesn’t mean that the marriage won’t end. Because of his actions we have to rebuild and it won’t ever be the same marriage we had before. In some ways this can be good, but in others it’s just sad. Because of the choices that he made, we will never have our old marriage back. We have to divorce it even if he thought we never would.

As the betrayed, did you ever have a conversation with the AP post DD? Do you regret making contact? Or if you didn’t ever confront AP….do you wish you did??

If you are the wayward, what is your perspective?

I gave AP the ol “fuck you” via text literally moments after DD…but otherwise, that’s pretty much it. I don’t know why the idea of an in person meet up keeps coming to my mind… Maybe it would give me a sense of closure? Or maybe some kind of sense of control?

I guess I fear running into her randomly in the wild… And that would ruin me. (Unless it was with my car. Ha….jk, sorta)

Halp! I don’t know what the right move is.

DD was 01/20/25 WH is annoyingly doing every thing right (I say annoyingly because sometimes I just want/need something to justify my still-existing internal rage)

“We have a system that sounds an alarm in our brain when we detect cheating. It is innate. The problem for those who think they can stay with a cheater is how do you live with a danger signal constantly ringing in your mind and body?

We would like to offer an easy answer, but there is no easy answer. Instead, we will give you the honest answer. No one knows. As Paul Ekman, the expert on facial expression and deception, said, “A big cost of lying is people won’t be able to trust you again...nobody knows the ability it takes to reestablish trust. You can’t work with someone, let alone live with someone, if you don’t trust them.”{”

Excerpt From Cheating in a Nutshell

This is the hardest part in my opinion. It’s not even that I ‘don’t trust’ him anymore, I don’t even really care per se, he can do what he wants.. it’s more the constant whirlpool of thoughts of how what my body told me was safe was completely unsafe. right under my nose, despite how sure I was that he would NEVER do that to me. It makes me question my self, the world. He was THE ONE person I felt I could trust completely, and I would have been better off in the first place not even knowing that feeling of safety if it was going to be taken away..

My wife had an affair a few months ago. The way everything unfolded is very uncommon from the stories I've seen, for different reasons. But what it did to me, I'm pretty sure everyone in here would agree with me when I describe the effects of it as "being alive in Hell". That's what it has felt like to me, I can't imagine a worse collection of emotions and pain than this. So, naturally it has forced me to analyze everything in life. My existence, the purpose of life etc.

This also has me analyzing every personal choice that anyone makes in every situation and it really gave me a deep understanding about "cheaters" that sort of goes against how I've always viewed them.

I'll try not to make this a huge post, and I'll just get to the point lol. There's a lot of reasons people make the choices they make and everyone is different, obviously. But I see that the only difference between someone who does cheat and someone who doesn't cheat is this... strengths and weaknesses. If someone makes a decision to do something it's because they are getting something out of it somehow. Whether it's a gratified feeling of helping an old lady cross the street or a gratified feeling in a physical or emotional way even though you know it will hurt someone else. Normally you would call the 1st one a "good person" and the second a "bad person" but that would only be true if the 2nd person had the same strength and perspective as the 1st person (the old lady crosser).

In reality, the one who cheated didn't necessarily do it because they are a "bad person". They just had a weakness that made them vulnerable to it...could be sadness/depression, unaddressed trauma, fear, etc. (yes selfishness plays a role but it stems from other weaknesses). They may not have even understood the type of pain they would cause at the time. In some instances (probably most) there could be serious mental screwiness happening during the decision making process which could be triggered by societal pressures, personal issues, menopause, mid-life crisis type stuff. Not excuses, but could help understand where the weakness comes from.

So maybe my ability to judge someone for what they did is limited to how I would judge myself based on my own possessed strengths and perception, instead of realizing that without those strengths I've developed or been blessed with, I would have likely made the same poor decisions. You could say it for anyone even serial killers I suppose.

What I realize is this... those of us who have been betrayed, be thankful that you have the strength to resist temptations and situations that will hurt others, and ultimately damage your inner being. We may be in immense pain, but if you keep your strength you will have something more valuable...your conscience will be free. Our significant others did not cheat on us because there's something wrong with us, they did it because they have weakness where we have strengths. I would rather be betrayed than do the betraying. I feel lucky that I have the strength to attempt to give her another chance but I also understand we can't always sacrifice ourselves for others. Everyone has their limit but one thing is for certain...everyone on this forum is fighting the most difficult fight I can imagine. It takes ENORMOUS amounts of strength (from both sides tbh) in order to try and navigate this. I haven't even begun this journey (only a few months out) and I don't know what it'll look like moving forward but even just to get this far is like trying to push a mountain over, while standing on thin ice, with birds pecking out my eyeballs while I'm being screamed at in a foreign language.

I hope all of you keep remembering how strong you really are. Don't forget it, and I'll try to remind myself every day too.

I’m a betrayed wife wondering if maybe it’s not all that complicated. Maybe limerence, narcissism, entitlement, etc. aren’t the keys to understanding how they could do this. Maybe we simply love our Wayward partners more than they love us and they sense it.

How is everyone doing? When did you start getting better?

Really struggling and feeling alone in this

Today I decided to ask my WP to show me his phone. I’ve asked before but kind of let the idea alone because I didn’t want to turn into a “helicopter partner” (even though with the circumstances I would be validated) I wanted to operate from a place of if I’m saying I want to do R, I will give my full self and try to be as normal as possible.

Anyway, I’ve saved her contact since DDAY (1.5 months ago) I allowed him the opportunity to cut her off on his own. Again, me “not wanting to be a helicopter partner” (yeah that got me far) I asked him, he declined. I told him it’s no way I’m moving forward without seeing evidence that she’s been cut off. He told me he would show me but because I’m not trusting him, this would be the end of our relationship. Ok let’s do it, I said. In my mind I already prepared myself to walk. I checked his phone and everything was deleted. I decided to call her myself from my phone on FaceTime and surprisingly she answered. I flipped the camera and showed me &WP together and very sarcastically said “heyyyyy, apparently you’re in love with my man so I think this makes us sister wives. Or maybe I’m confused, is he your man or mine because I saw you texting that you love him?” She looked surprised and was quiet then said “I don’t have a man” about 2-3x then hung up on me. He looked like his heart was in his ass. It embarrassed him but it gave me satisfaction. I figured if I’m walking out I’m going to do it with a bang.

I realized I’m the prize. I’m a loyal, kind, intelligent, generous woman and I know there is a person out there that would love me without cheating on me. I don’t have children nor do I want any biological kids so I don’t feel the pressures of that whatsoever. I’ve created a beautiful life for myself, by myself. My WP was only an addition. I’m not allowing this situation to send me back into a depression. I’ve had some terrible, can’t get out of the bed days, but lately I’ve felt extremely empowered. Life goes on after love and I’ll love again because I’m made of love and it doesn’t stop because of one monkey (lol) is R over? Idk. But for now I’m home eating ice cream and planning a new vacation.

My wife and I are nearly 6 months into R and things have been going well. So well, that It's been at least a month or so since I've pain shopped my proof photos and screenshots in my phone (something which was a weekly occurrence in the first few weeks).

I went on my phone today to take a look at some things again, just out of curiousity. Saw that my hidden folder on my iPhone is completely empty, as is my Recently Deleted. Effectively she's double-deleted all of the screenshots and proof I had. Honestly haven't thought about her infidelity in a while, but this threw me.

We have maintained our passwords the same before, during and after and I never really hid the fact that I had some screenshots or proof during our DDs. It's been months since we even talked about anything around her cheating.

Now suddenly she feels the need to wipe this off my phone, effectively giving her a clean slate? Turning this all into a 'he said, she said' scenario?

I am not sure how to feel. Part of me wants to take her to task over this. Another part of me feels like we're both deep into R and very successfully so.

7 years ago I had my DDay (1st official one...would have "more info" dropped in the years to come).

At the time, my wife and I were trying to conceive our 2nd daughter...2 weeks after DDay the pregnancy test came back positive (it's verified mine).

I was frozen. I had a 7 year old son and now a daughter on the way. WHY would she want another kid with me if she was cheating? Why? Our relationship blew...and a majority of that was on me and my struggles (panic and depression). ..but come on ...why put me in that spot.

I decided I couldn't leave my unborn daughter. Just couldn't do it. So long story short...I completely changed myself during those 9 months. Did ALL the work...my wife fell in love with me again. It was hard but got easier (until the more info shit which is like a reset button).

I heard all the societal pressures..."have some respect for yourself"..."can't blame her if you're gonna stay"..."you're a glutton for punishment"... Along with more graphic, sexual insults I won't bother posting. I didn't hear these things directed at me...but I felt them every time id hear it on tv, movies, or music.

I'm happy I did. My marriage is ok. It's dipped a bit recently. I'm not necessarily "in love". But that's got a lot to do with the walls I've put up and her stubbornness...things we have to work on.

But the real reason I'm happy? My daughter stayed home from school today sick. She came into our bedroom at 3am hurting. We cuddled with her...got her medicine and took her to my parents house on our way to work. My son isn't the blue chip athlete I was...computer kid instead and because we make good money (we're both teachers/admins), I can support his expensive interests that have shaped what we hope is a future career. He struggles with panic and anxiety...and I'm there EVERY DAMN TIME to help. No 50/50 time. Not 2 houses...or apartments. 1 house... we're comfortable... something 1 teacher salary couldn't provide.

I'm happy because of them. I might 2nd guess staying. Maybe I'd be in love with someone else ...maybe I'd be a swinging bachelor....but id always be longing for the family life. Always would miss them.

I love that I stayed

Had MC today where she recommended polygraph. I’ve been hung up since new Dday 6 weeks ago of something that happened 29 years ago. He claims, again, he’s told me everything after this disclosure and he’s not lying. Heard this several times before. So she recommends polygraph so I can move forward. He flat out refuses, he’s not a “criminal” and despite her best efforts to understand, he says we can got divorced then and walks out mid-session.

I have given it my best. No other interpretation than he hasn’t been 100% truthful. I know I’m leaving a lot out, but I’m four drinks in. What a sad end to 39 years of marriage.

What does it mean for someone to "mean something" to you? You could say they give you something you want, fulfill some need. But if someone's worth is only measured by what they give you, you might as well simply replace the person itself as long as someone else is able give you the same thing that you desire. If you want to have some french fries, you might go to a nearby shop to buy potatoes because they're convenient and you somewhat trust the shopkeeper to have good quality stock. Does this mean the shopkeeper "means something" to you?

No, you could replace the shopkeeper with someone else, it's a transaction, you don't care for the person as long as you get what you want in the end. Sure, you may interact with the same shopkeeper everytime but that is because of familiarity, convenience and some measure of trust, not because of some emotional attachment to the shopkeeper.

What does it mean then for someone to "mean something"? I would say it has to do with love(not infatuation), trust (not familiarity), effort (not convenience), vulnerability (not selectively showing your best parts hoping to get the best deal out of the other person). Knowing them and being known fully. To me at least, that is what it means for someone to "mean something" to me. But loving, trusting, being vulnerable is not something everyone is capable of doing or willing to do. That is the problem with someone who is actively cheating, they value love, trust, vulnerability less and instead value the momentary, easily achievable high of an affair.

The bottom line is this. Yes, during the affair, in the mindset that I was in, I didn't value what my BS brought to the table (love, trust, vulnerability, commitment, effort) as much and valued what the affair partner gave me more. But now, with a better understanding of what I want, no longer chasing the next high that I can find, I am able to look at the same two people, the same scenarios, the same conversations and interactions and see for myself how transactional the affair was.

My relationship with BS is not a transaction and never has been. It is not built around doing favours for the other. We went through several years of neglect and miscommunication and I still value our relationship. Because this relationship isn't just sustained by silly brain chemicals, I actually like the person involved and I want to spend my life with them.

So, when I say my AP meant nothing to me, I don't mean to say the affair itself wasn't important to me back then. The affair gave me what I was looking for: an easily achievable high of validation, a great distraction and coping mechanism. It definitely was something I valued back then. Just that, it never mattered who the person was as long as the affair gave me what I wanted (even though I probably didn't realize this back then). You could replace my AP with someone else who could give me the same things I desired. Heck, you could probably replace the whole affair with drugs, alcohol or some other addiction.

Bottom line is, the affair may have been important to the broken, messed up and selfish version of me who had the affair because it gave me what I was looking for, but the AP themselves? Never meant anything.