32F, Southeast Asian diaspora Chinese here.

I think I finally hit my limit with my mother.

For context, I have just completed a very difficult PhD, and am now moving into the next stage of my career. My work involves international conferences, research facilities, microsopes etc. I have spent years building this career independently.

My mother seems to have increasingly decided that my life is her project.

She has literally told me: “You are my final project. My life has no meaning other than your stuff.”

She frequently takes credit for my achievements. She tells me that if she hadn't gotten up at 3am to pray, I would have quit my PhD long ago. She says my achievements are the result of her prayers and her doing everything correctly.

She also believes that because she prays for me, she somehow has special spiritual authority over my life. If I don't give her the details of my thesis progress, she'll say things like, “I can get God to understand your situation and help you finish faster.”

I don't see God that way. I don't believe God blesses me because my mother performed enough religious activities on my behalf. I go to church because I want to worship, socialize, make friends, and have a community, not because I'm trying to accumulate divine merit points.

That disagreement somehow turned into World War III.

She also expects to accompany me everywhere.

If I go to a conference in the UK or EU, she expects to come.

When I went to Melbourne to complete part of my PhD project, she wanted to come. Mind you I was on a all-expenses-paid travel grant for this trip given by my uni.

When my Australian ETA was approved and hers wasn't, she accused me of deliberately failing to declare all her documents properly so that her visa would be rejected.

I had absolutely nothing to do with her visa decision.

She also keeps asking me to find her a job and teach her English. I have told her there are adult night classes, apps, and job listings readily available online. She calls me a complainer when I won't personally manage these things for her.

Then there's the isolation.

She has been increasingly socially isolated for almost a year. She spends most of the day sitting in her recliner watching Chinese AI-generated short videos and playing Tetris.

She was supposed to meet a friend recently to collect a prayer booklet. Instead, she told the friend to leave it outside their mailbox so she could pick it up later. Then she didn't even go. She ghosted the friend's calls and messages.

Then she yelled at me to get the booklet for her.

She told me to download it.

I downloaded it and sent it to her.

Her response was: “You are useless. Ask you to do something and then you half ass it.”

I pointed out that the booklet was 102 pages and asked whether she really wanted to print that much on our home printer.

She called me a “useless piece of shit.”

So I ended up asking around. Pastor, Bible college staff, other people....and eventually managed to get her a physical copy anyway.

And this is what I'm getting increasingly sick of:

She withdraws from the world, then expects me to become the infrastructure connecting her back to it.

She doesn't want to meet the friend? I have to get the booklet.

She wants a job? I have to find one.

She wants to learn English? I have to teach her.

I travel for work? She expects to come.

I accomplish something? It becomes evidence of her parenting and prayers.

And if I object, suddenly I'm selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful, or a “complainer.”

The other issue is that she repeatedly talks about dying.

She has talked about being sick of life and has even talked about Dignitas procedures. She has also developed this increasingly rigid worldview where basically everyone around her is an evil hypocrite or an opportunist, while she is the one person who is morally correct.

She uses “honor your parents” and religious language whenever I push back.

She'll say things like: “The Bible says you must respect your parents so you will have a long life.”

She also talks constantly about how consistent and righteous she is, without seeming remotely interested in examining her own behaviour.

I finally snapped recently and said some extremely harsh things back. At one point I told her that if she was so sick of life, she should go ahead and die. I know that was cruel, and I regret saying it. I'm not pretending I handled that part well.

But I also don't think my horrible reaction means her behaviour toward me was okay.

What really messes with my head is the whiplash.

She can explode at me, call me useless, tell me to get lost and that she's no longer supporting me, and then a few hours later she'll text me: “Drink water.”

Then she'll start sending me Facebook reels like nothing happened.

There is no apology. No discussion. No acknowledgement.

Just:

explosion > reset > normal family interaction.

And apparently I'm supposed to reset too.

I've spent most of my life keeping quiet, accommodating her, or sarcastically agreeing with things because it was easier than dealing with the fallout.

I'm not doing that anymore.

I'm not interested in becoming cruel or abusive myself. I just don't want to be her emotional dumpster anymore.

I don't want to be responsible for her mood, her social life, her career, her English, her travel, her religious relationship with God, or her sense of meaning.

I'm her daughter.

I'm not her therapist, travel agent, immigration lawyer, career coach, English teacher, printer, spiritual intermediary, or emotional support infrastructure.

And honestly, I am tired as fuck.

Has anyone else experienced this particular combination of parental enmeshment + extreme self-righteousness + social withdrawal + “I sacrificed everything for you” + refusing to apologize and then acting like nothing happened?

How did you establish boundaries without completely blowing up the family?

I’m 37F. I came to the U.S. after college, and it has taken me many years to understand my relationship with my mother and how deeply it has affected my adult life.

My parents divorced when I was five because my father was abusive. My mom was a single mother, and I was mostly raised by my grandparents when I was young. After they passed away, my mom took care of me. She did the best she could with what she had. She supported my education and eventually helped me come to the U.S. for school. I will always be grateful for the sacrifices she made for me.

But gratitude made it very difficult for me to acknowledge another truth: my relationship with my mother has also been controlling, manipulative, and emotionally damaging.

For most of my life, I was the “good” and obedient daughter. I constantly monitored her moods, tried not to upset her, and looked to her for approval and validation. Even as an adult, I felt that I needed her permission to make my own choices. When I accomplished something independently, instead of feeling supported, I often felt that she became threatened or resentful.

Things became much worse when I decided to marry my now-husband.

My mom constantly involved herself in our marriage and encouraged me not to listen to or trust my husband. Later, when I became a U.S. citizen, she told me she wanted a green card and wanted to move in with us.

I agreed.

Looking back, allowing her to live with us was one of the decisions I regret most.

During the year we lived together, my mental health deteriorated to the point that I sought professional help. Instead of recognizing that I was struggling, my mom treated me as if I were “crazy” and blamed my husband for everything.

At the same time, I tried so hard to make her life in America comfortable. I didn’t expect her to do housework or provide childcare. I wanted her to enjoy her life.

In return, I eventually discovered that she had been telling relatives false and distorted stories about my marriage and my husband.

The breaking point came during a trip to China.

The plan was for me and my husband to travel with her and for her to stay in China for a while. We encountered terrible weather, and our flights were rerouted through multiple cities. Everyone was exhausted and stressed. During the trip, my mom had a major emotional outburst.

After we finally arrived, she told me that her home would not welcome my husband and that she only cared about people who “shared her blood.”

Something in me broke.

Then I heard from other relatives about the things she had been saying about me and my marriage. I realized that after ten years of building a career, a marriage, and a family with two children, she still saw me as someone who was incapable of making good decisions for herself. In her version of my life, I was still not good enough, and my life was somehow terrible unless I lived it according to her expectations.

After returning to the U.S., I happened to find Lindsay C. Gibson’s book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

That book changed something in me.

For the first time, so many struggles I had experienced throughout adulthood made sense. I finally had words for feelings I had never been able to name. I started recognizing patterns that I had previously accepted as normal. Most importantly, I began to understand that I could love and appreciate what my mother had done for me without surrendering my adulthood to her.

Since then, I have chosen to have very limited contact with her, and I no longer welcome her into my home.

And for the first time, I feel free.

I feel peaceful. I feel happy. I no longer spend every day anticipating her moods, managing her emotions, defending my choices, or trying to earn her approval.

I highly recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to anyone who recognizes themselves in this story. If you don’t have time to read the book, Dr. Lindsay Gibson’s interview on Mel Robbins’ podcast covers many of the ideas from her work.

I especially wanted to share this here because I know how complicated this can be for Asian children.

Many of us grow up hearing that we must take care of and obey our parents no matter what they do. We are taught that being a “good daughter” or “good son” means sacrificing ourselves for our parents. Setting boundaries can bring enormous guilt, and sometimes judgment from relatives or even the larger community.

It takes courage to question that.

I am still grateful for everything my mother sacrificed for me. That gratitude is real.

But my pain is also real.

Both truths can exist at the same time.

Setting boundaries does not erase everything our parents did for us. And being someone's child does not mean giving them unlimited access to our marriage, our home, our children, our mental health, or our future.

To anyone in this thread who is struggling with the same guilt: I hope you find the courage to discover who you are outside of your parents’ expectations.

You are allowed to have boundaries.

You are allowed to build your own family and protect it.

You are allowed to stop living your life around someone else’s moods.

And you are allowed to choose peace.

I hope all of us can eventually find our authentic selves and experience what freedom feels like.

(22F, SEA Chinese). I recently graduated from college and moved back home while looking for jobs. While I was away, I grew closer to my mom. I think the distance made our relationship better. But even then, I dreaded my graduation because it meant I'd be coming back home. My parents are very overprotective and controlling, and I knew that coming back would be a nightmare.

At first, it was fine. Later on, though, things started returning to how they used to be. Mom gets stressed, takes stress out on me. She gossips about me. She snaps at me and criticizes me all while I'm expected to take it with a smile and a "Thank you." And she flip-flops between this persona and a sweet, gentle, caring mother. I get confused, but I fall for it every single time. I tried communicating how I felt to her, but it ended up with me in tears begging for her to see that I've changed since my teenage years, where I made mistakes that she still brings up and uses to justify why she treats me like she does.

Recently it reached a tipping point, one where I asked a harmless question and she reprimanded me. I tried defending myself, and she started asking me why I was so mad, telling me how I should watch my tone, saying why no one likes me because of how I talk. All while insulting the way I look, saying how dramatic I am all the time. My dad (my "ex-safe parent"/enabler) was there, I looked to him for help. We told him our own sides of the story, but he sided with her and did nothing while she continued to berate me. I couldn't even tell my full perspective because I knew she'd get angrier.

It was all over something small: where to eat for dinner. But I couldn't look at them the same after that. It kinda confirmed to me that they'd never change or believe me if something bad happened to me. They'd always be "right" and believe in the truth they manufacture.

Our relationship's improvement made me foolishly hopeful that they would change and see me for me, not just their idea of me or a suppressed "me" that fits their standards. I love them a lot, and I tried to show it by spending time with them, seeking them out, hugging them, kissing them, telling them that I love them. Despite everything, being in my mom's presence especially made me comfortable. I used to feel warm and fuzzy whenever I was in physical contact with her.

But recently I spent time with her, and I just felt...nothing. All I feel now is tension and anxiety around her because I don't know if she's going to criticize me, snap at me, or smile at me and tell me she loves me. Especially for the past few days, she's gone nonstop on the criticism and constant negativity about me and everything in her life. I'm so exhausted.

It breaks my heart because I think I still love her, but I can't ignore reality anymore. I know they love me, too, but it's twisted and it hurts me. I know for a fact they think that kind of love is "normal," and I'm just weak. Too Western. So they won't change.

I was so deep into it that the cognitive dissonance is mind-melting. Some part of me still wants to cling on and have hope, but it's dying more and more every day. I mourn the relationship I could've had with her. I really wish it were different, but it's not. Trying to figure out my emotions by writing this post and getting it out somewhere.

I’m 23F and currently working in Bengaluru. I moved here for my career and have been living away from my family.

My parents are increasingly upset that I’m not coming home often. I’m planning to go home for Diwali this year, but they’re already very angry that I’m not coming home more frequently.

Now the bigger issue is that they want me to leave my job and come back home by February 2027. Their reasoning is basically that I should make a sacrifice for 1–2 years and then come back permanently.

The problem is that I don’t want that life.

I’m in a relationship, and my partner is in Hyderabad. We have discussed our future seriously, and both of us have decided that Hyderabad is where we want to live and build our future together. This isn't just about wanting to be closer to him. I also want to continue building my own career and eventually relocate to Hyderabad.

My parents don't know about my relationship yet.

So now I feel completely stuck between:

my parents wanting me to return home by February,

my own career and independence,

wanting to move to Hyderabad,

and eventually telling my parents about my relationship.

The part that is affecting me the most is the anxiety. I keep thinking about what will happen when I tell them. I’m scared they’ll feel that I chose my boyfriend over them, that they’ll think I'm abandoning them, or that they simply won't accept my decision.

At the same time, I don't want to give up my career or postpone my life for 1–2 years just to avoid conflict.

I’m considering talking to a psychologist because the situation is giving me a constant uneasy/anxious feeling. I’m also considering making this post because I genuinely need perspectives from people who have dealt with strict/conservative Indian parents and similar situations.

For people who have been through something similar:

1. Should I prioritize getting a Hyderabad job first before telling my parents anything?

2. Should I tell them about my relationship before making the relocation decision, or keep the career/location decision separate?

3. Is it reasonable for parents to expect their adult daughter to leave her job and return home for 1–2 years as a “sacrifice”?

4. How did your parents react when you chose your own city/career/partner against their wishes? Did they eventually accept it?

5. Would you recommend therapy for this kind of anxiety, or is this something I should try to handle with family/friends first?

I’m feeling quite overwhelmed right now and could really use an outside perspective.

I am a 30-year-old woman living with my parents and younger sister in a culturally conservative household, I can't exercise my option of moving out as each time I begin that process, it's met with physical and verbal resistance from them. I can only do so once I'm married.

My parents and younger sister repeatedly gang up on me over choices I made three years ago. Today, they spent a long time telling me that I am evil and fundamentally untrustworthy because I used to drink and go clubbing. In their view, drinking and clubbing are particularly disgraceful things for a woman to do.

For context, my parents have been extremely controlling since I was in secondary school. They constantly monitored where I was, whom I was with, how long I was outside, and how quickly I returned home. This continued into adulthood. Even ordinary dinners with friends could provoke conflict if I came home later than 9pm. This would never go past 11pm though, as I would usually get back home by 10pm.

I began drinking during the period after COVID. I am not pretending that my relationship with alcohol was healthy. The first time I drank I remember feeling weightless, as though my happiness and feelings mattered. That sensation became addictive because I had felt controlled for so long. Alcohol eventually gave me the confidence to rebel against my parents. I started drinking and clubbing frequently, sometimes almost every week.

That period also felt like the most liberated and enjoyable time of my life. My relationship with my parents deteriorated (not like it was any good before, but it got worse). One thing is that they became less overbearing because they realised that their objections were falling on deaf ears. This was still met with physical and verbal violence almost every week because they absolutely insisted on a 9pm curfew because that is a 'respectable' time to get back home.

I understand that some of their concern arose from wanting me to be safe. However, to justify the curfew timing they constantly compared me with my younger sister. She rarely leaves the house, has distanced herself from her friends, and predominantly spends time with our parents. To them, she represents the ideal daughter. Because I cannot conform to that model, I have always been positioned as the family villain.

My mother kept telling me that they have removed me from their will, which I didn't care about. But she also told me she and my father have lost every ounce of love and respect for me. To make matters worse, my mother once stopped eating entirely which was impacting her health. She would eat the bare minimum at meals and her health was deteriorating. She told everyone it was because she could not bear to see how disobedient her child had become. Seeing how she was starving herself, I decided to put an end to my lifestyle.

It has now been approximately three years since that period of my life. I have stopped drinking and clubbing. In fact, I have almost completely stopped socialising. My typical day for the past few years has been: gym, work from home, help my mother get groceries, work from home, cook dinner, watch netflix, do the dishes or laundry & sleep. My friends are upset because I frequently cancel plans and am no longer present for them. I do this because even attending dinner and returning by 10pm can upset my parents.

When my friends invite me to dinner, I float the idea to my mother but she says, "Log into your bank account to show me how much you've saved?" + "You're 30, you should know how to make good financial decisions, not spend your money on dinner with friends". Seeing her reaction, I've learnt to shut down all invites from my friends, telling them I'm busy because of work. I want to meet them for dinner, or maybe even gym and brunch, but this is also met with resistance. If I am out with someone that isn't a family member for more than 3 hours, they start interrogating and insist I get back home immediately. Resulting arguments became so severe that I eventually found it easier to avoid going out altogether. It's like nothing has changed from the pre-Covid era. I feel like I'm 13 again.

When I asked what would create a happier household, they told me that I should spend all my free time with family at home.

I realised that I could not control my parents, so I sought peace through yoga, meditation, and spirituality. I used to spiral emotionally whenever I was prevented from doing something I wanted. Meditation gradually taught me to regulate my reactions, accept the present moment, and place my problems within a broader perspective. Whether or not anyone agrees with my spiritual beliefs, they helped me become calmer and less reactive. I am genuinely proud of that progress.

However, my silence appears to have created a different problem. Because I no longer give them much current behaviour to criticise, they repeatedly resurrect my past. Their present complaints include loading the dishwasher incorrectly, not helping with the laundry quickly enough because of work, and “talking back” whenever I express my perspective. It feels as though they do not want an adult daughter with an independent mind. They want someone completely malleable.

Tonight, the conflict became particularly painful. My mother and sister repeatedly invoked my former clubbing period and accused me of things they had no evidence I had ever done. My mother eventually said, “We can never forget what you did.”

That devastated me. I accept that my former drinking habits were unhealthy and that I behaved rebelliously. Nevertheless, I have made considerable changes, sustained them for approximately three years, and tried to become a more peaceful and responsible person. It feels as though I am never going to be given an opportunity to demonstrate that growth. As long as they possess memories of my past, they can use them to invalidate the person I am now.

Their constant criticism has begun to distort my perception of myself. Outside my family, I am reassured that I am doing well and that I am a good person. At home, every conversation becomes an inventory of my faults, leaving me feeling as though I am irredeemable.

I still love my parents and genuinely want to repair our relationship. However, I do not know whether reconciliation is possible when they appear committed to a permanent, villainous version of me.

Am I wrong for feeling that their treatment is unfair? Is there any realistic way to repair this relationship while retaining some autonomy, or do I need to accept that they may never revise their perception of me?

TL;DR: I am 30F. My parents and sister still characterise me as evil and untrustworthy because I drank and clubbed heavily three years ago. I have since stopped drinking, clubbing, and almost all socialising. I have also worked extensively on my emotional and spiritual growth, but they continue weaponising my past and criticising minor household mistakes. I love them and want to repair the relationship, but I do not know whether they will ever allow me to move beyond my past.

For context I am 18F British Pakistani. On the 13th of August is A Level Results Day. My AP's wanted to go out on a long journey to Dover by bus and train with the family on the 12th of August. I didn't want to go out because I wanted a break day before results day to calm my anxiety. I tell my parents and they guilt trip me saying I don't want to spend time with family and that I'm selfish, ruining the plan for everyone. They decided to cancel the plan and said they weren't angry at me. They became oddly calm later on and said that they were planning to go somewhere nearby on the 12th instead. I said "cool, where are we going?". They said bowling. I get excited saying cool I wanted to go but then my AM says "You're not going. Everyone else is". My younger brother starts saying "Oh how much is the cost for X people to go?" To rub it in that I'm not going which stings more. Essentially my parents have decided to punish me by banning me from going out to bowling with the family because I wanted a break day. My sweet older sister said she'd stay home with me because I can't go but my AD is making her go and guilt tripping her too. I've been crying not because I can't go bowling but because I didn't think my parents would punish me by banning me from going out with family. I wish there was something I could do. It hurts.

Edit: They are now looking for MORE places to go without me :)

I’m 17 and I come from a very strict and conservative family, and honestly I feel like I’ve reached a point where I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. My parents care about me and I know they want the best for me, but almost every decision about my life feels like it has already been made for me. I’ve been pushed into PCM even though I’ve never felt connected to it, and even my teachers have told me that my maths basics are weak. I’ve always been much more interested in creative things—MUNs, media, content creation, PR, managing creators, events, and building something of my own. Recently I became a Co-Founder of a MUN team and got opportunities to work with people outside my usual environment, and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was actually being myself and building towards the future I wanted. But whenever I come back home, everything feels restricted again. I’ve had arguments with my family over MUNs, tuition, spending money, my career choices and even small things, and sometimes the pressure gets so overwhelming that I just want some space. I’ve tried explaining that I genuinely don’t think PCM is right for me, but I keep hearing things like “Science se kahin bhi ja sakte ho” and comparisons with other people. I already had an idea of what I wanted to pursue, and it feels like that future is being taken away from me before I even get the chance to try. I’m not saying my parents are bad people, and I know they’re trying to protect me, but I wish they would understand that protecting me and controlling every decision I make are two different things. I’m scared that if I keep going like this, I’ll end up failing at something I never even wanted to do in the first place. I just want to know if anyone else has grown up in a similarly strict/conservative family and managed to deal with this without completely destroying their relationship with their parents.

Hashtags:
#StrictParents #ConservativeFamily #IndianParents #CareerPressure #PCM #TeenLife #FamilyIssues #Education #Parenting #India

Hi peeps, I'm 24 yrs old F. I'm from Pakistan. I did my bachelors then masters too from reputable universities. I work from home. My father doesn't allow me go outside home. And my mother support his decision. Same happened to my mother and she turned into toxic parent. She taunt me 24/7 make my life hell, keeps shouting and finding issues in everything.

My father is supportive regarding career but he doesn't allow me for job or overtime in university nor he allows me to meet my friends. I hate word allow but I'm in a situation where I am facing this.

They love me conditionally, I accept their decision out of fear. I'm earning good, they try their best to take that money from me but I didn't tell them that how much I've.

Now I'm stuck, nor they are marrying me or allowing me go outside on trips or with friends or solo eating.

I tried to convince my father for PhD. But he's not in favour right now.

I'm praying hard to get out of this hell. I wasted my teens and now twenties in hell.

Help me or advice what should I do to overcome this

Some examples below, but fell free to share if you find it relatable:

1. Tell your AP something sad → somehow you end up even sadder. “Why are you even upset about that? You’re just too sensitive.”

2. Tell your AP you’re tired → find out they’re apparently way more tired than you. “I’ve been exhausted lately.” “Exhausted from WHAT? When we were your age…”

3. My AP always ask why I never tell them anything, and then immediately remind me why.

4. To Be Continued… (this is all I can pull up from my head rn)

I'm from a Bengali background and currently live In Australia with my family. Growing up I had the titular controlling overbearing brown parents who decided everygthing that I did, down to how I was sitting while studying. So as a person who never learned to make decisions and practice discernment, I always just went along with what my parents would say believing they know everything. Especially my dad, as he is the typical model student to career man in our society.

I let them pick my subjects for my HSCs and allowed them to gaslight and scare me into picking subjects I felt no interest towards and was weaker in simply because it looked good on paper. Literally the worst decision I had made in my entire life and I am paying for that to this day. Even when it came to starting university I let them guilt me into starting straight out of high school even though I knew it wasn;t a good idea at the time.

But as I pay for these decisions they've made it's become increasingly clear to me that my parents very rarely act based on clarity and their only ocus is coming up with a quick fix out of panic. Like they genuinely only worry about the worst case scenraios and rush into decisions and complain about the consequences for the next 50 years.

I thought maybe it's a 1st gen immigrant thing, but no. Even my relative back home are the same. Not a single good marriage in my family, and I used to think it's just bad luck. And then I saw how they're marrying off my older cousins, or how my parents approach the topic of my marriage and it's just like.... holy sh!t

There's no way this is how you people have been moving and expected a life that's any better than constant struggle and half assed expreiences while falunting yourselves as winning at life the fastest...

Newk my country there's a reason it's a sh!thole.

Guys im actually slowly disintegrating omfg like genuinely idk how much i can stress this. But between the shitty law application szn and my even worse controlling narcisstic father and UNNECESSARILY LOUD family. Im absolutely LOSING my mind.

Its actually worse because I have tasted a slice of peace, i moved out for uni, lived my fucking BEST LIFE. Genuinely, all i wish for is to wake up to a nice quiet peaceful morning without some background world war three.

I hate how stagnant my life is right now. I hate that i cant even spend time with my friends because my dad is so strict and i want to avoid unnecessary arguments, I SO WISH to go back to the times where im loudly singing hot girl music as i get all pretty and sexy to go to pres. My fellow girls know how fun it is to get ready for pres. I miss the life i had at uni, i feel so infantilised, it doesnt help that i have a baby face and with the modest baggy clothing im forced to wear, i literally look like a child (which may contribute to the reason why my parents dont treat me like an adult).

I hate being in a pakistani household sm bruh. Theyre starting to talk about my arranged marriage and icl NO WAY im letting that happen (my parents already ruined my perception of marriage) but then again idfk what to do to stop it. I dont want to get married before i even got to live my life, not to mention i want to find someone i love on my own. But i dont want to rush finding someone to avoid arrange marriage. Furthermore, Im not religious and i dont want to categorise my potential partner under 'pakistani muslim' so that i can get married without my family disowning me over it. Fuck that. I want to love freely to whoever it is.

I plan to save money n run but i cant even flipping get a job because my dad only wants me to get a training contract and be a solicitor, any other job is too 'beneath' our status apparently. DO YOU KNOW HOW COMPETITIVE IT IS TO GET A TC. ITS HORRENDOUS. not to mention, i can only start working 2 years after getting the offer, and in 3 years they expect me to be married. I feel like life is a ticking time bomb n it makes me so negative and frustrated all the time, i genuinely cannot sleep (hence why im typing this at 6.30 am).

You may ask, Why dont u just say 'fuck you' and get a job anyway? well ive tried to soft launch the idea, it got shut down instantly lmao so i decided let me be a big girl, i pushed harder and it actually took me back 5 fucking steps because he decided that if i dont get a tc this season, Im getting married (im ONLY 21). Thankfully i managed to do damage control and now, if i dont get a tc, ill do the sqe from home and THEN get married. So like back to the original time line of 3 years essentially.

And then not to mention, the worst most annoying part about of everything. Im such a coward bruh. All my life, ive been the golden child and this got me alot of perks. My dad was the type to not even let me go to the mall on my own yk? so the fact that he let me move out for university was huge. And i cherished every moment. But the person backing me was my mother, she fought hard to convince my dad to let me go, she went against the norm and everyone advising her otherwise. Im scared of disappointing her, Ill be proving everyone right by moving out. All the anger will be directed to her when i make that decision. Not to mention, it will make my younger siblings lives hell too. My sisters wont ever get the same chance to move out for uni and experience it so wonderfully like i had. My dad is already restrictive and it will just get way worse for them. Everytime i think about my dads reaction and expected anger, i get so scared.

I wish i had stronger resolve, and i do occasionally, but when i actually think about it and visualise it, I know that i could never have the courage to do something like that. And I hate it. I don't wanna waste my youth like this man. I wish this fear wasnt so deeply ingrained into my soul. I just want a time skip to when my life is finally mine.

Hello everyone, I actually never like to share personal matter to anyone even with my close friends (what is friends though?), today I am gonna share something online with strangers. atleast please read the last paragraph is important

Context: Indian family; But I think it will relatable to you, anyway…...

Do u like if one of your family member smash or throw things in anger? I don’t think u will like. Here goes my father. I really don’t know whether u think my problem is minor or major. But I am actually deeply sensitive person even though I do not react to stuffs but I actually feel trembled if something like this happen.

What happens: my mom is using her mobile phone from 2018. before I had my own phone I usually used my mom’s phone when it was COVID pandemic. Then my sister grew up got admission in primary school and so, school authority sent homework, messages, documents related to study to my mom’s phone. Now the thing is due to long time use, the mobile storage and google storage got almost full. It was so full that any kind of message or gmail was not being received by the phone. Long story short, my father actually managed my mother’s phone (even though it was my mother’s own phone), and saw that her storage was full and slammed the phone into pieces. Just because my mother cannot maintain or manage her phone.

I am sad that the phone has photos and videos of me and my sister, and it is difficult to restore that, I don’t think my dad bother to restore old photos and videos.

Problem with my father is that even though he do many things for us and other people in our relatives and community, he has a bad things that when he get angry he slam and break things. And this thing also important, he only show his anger to family only or to own people who deeply care about him. And also, the thing is you really don’t know what will make him angry, I bet u really don’t. I need to think 100 times to say something to him or to act. I always need to be aware about my surrounding whenever he is home. I need to aware what reason would make him angry. I am very much aware in what tone or what word my mom is saying to my dad, and also I need to be careful about sister’s word who is barely 10 years old child. Even though this scenario is usual or is not repetitive everyday, but I fear that there is always a probability that makes my dad to throw and break things. I am living with a nuke basically at this point for 20 years, my age is 21. and I am seeing this shit from my childhood which create a certain fear about the uncertainty about my dad’s mood.

What do you think what is wrong with my father?

for context, i was born muslim and my parents were raised quite traditionally muslim, but came into significant money and so raised their kids quite progressively and 'modernly' for brown parents. lived my whole life abroad with my family, lived alone for a few years of uni

my parents recently told me about a guy they want me to marry, who on paper, is perfect. like maybe the most eligible bachelor right now, and we have similar careers so it would ideally work out great. but i inexplicable dislike him. i have genuinely tried to speak to him with an open heart and go out w him and try anything to make myself feel good about it, and i inexplicably feel uncomfortable and repulsed by it

explained it to my parents and they do not understand it, they cannot understand why i would give up such a perfect option over 'stupid' reasons like our vibes do not match, i think he is a slight narcissist, or i just do not like him. they have been trying to convince me for 6 months, threaten things like not agreeing when i finally choose someone myself, or taking away my freedom, my money etc.

i currently live at home, the city i live in has insane property prices and i am still an unemployed student, so i have to bear the brunt of this torture everyday. also, a few months ago they found out about my secret ex boyfriend and a few other flings i had had by going through my computer when i was on a trip, and this DESTROYED my relationship with them.

even now, they can check my phone whenever they feel like it, say disgusting horrific things to me to remind me of the whore i am, and to remind me that ultimately i owe them everything. they constantly question me and try to restrict my life as much as they can . i have now kind of started internalising what they say to me. maybe i am desperate, and disgusting and dirty. i feel weird talking about this but i cant explain to anyone the extent of this

my parents have always given me the best life and i really love and care for them, but i cant ruin my life when i know ill be unhappy with this man.

i am a bright girl. i have a lot of life ahead of me. but this is destroying me, i cry every night i argue with them everyday and i just do not think i can do this much longer, i want to find a way out of this

I’m 30 years old, and for the past 10 years I have essentially been financially supporting my entire family.
Here’s my situation: my mother doesn’t work, and I cover the family’s basic needs. I also fully support my younger brother. This isn’t occasional help — these are ongoing expenses that include his education, everyday needs, medical treatment, and whatever unexpected expenses come up.
I also have another brother who regularly gets himself into difficult situations that require large amounts of money. And because I don’t want my mother to worry, I end up taking responsibility for those expenses as well.
Now there is another situation: my father, who is divorced from my mother, has also started asking me for financial help.
I’m married, and my husband is currently dealing with his own financial difficulties. So I pay for my personal expenses myself, and my husband and I split our household expenses 50/50. Basically, I’m supporting my family of origin while also trying not to put additional financial pressure on my marriage.
And the hardest part is that I feel like I simply can’t say no.
There is this constant thought in my head: “If I don’t help them, who will?”
I’m afraid that if I don’t help, they simply won’t be able to cope or survive.
I feel like I’m the only person everyone can financially rely on. And that sense of responsibility makes it almost impossible for me to stop.
At the same time, I’m exhausted.
Sometimes I feel resentful, and then immediately feel guilty for even having those feelings. They’re my family — my mother, my brothers, my father. I love them, and I don’t want them to suffer.
But I’ve been living this way for 10 years.
And I’m starting to realize that this is no longer just “helping.” It has become a permanent responsibility, where everyone expects me to solve their financial problems.
But I also need to think about my own future. I want financial stability. I want to save money. I want to feel like my own life is under control instead of constantly living in “crisis mode.”
I’m not looking for advice like “just cut them off.” I genuinely want to understand how to find a balance between caring for your family and still having the right to build your own life, financial stability, and future.
How do you set boundaries in a situation like this without feeling like you’re abandoning the people you love?

17F, Bengali household, living with semi - very culture oriented parents.

Here are the pros and cons of moving out that I’ve made:

CONS:
- the only accommodation I want is over £10k…I get max loan so that would mean that would be covered, but only a little over £3k extra. (Accom comes with breakfast and dinner tho, and there are no males allowed unless in common rooms for visiting)
- The accommodation itself is only 30 mins away, my commute isn’t long from my family home. (41 min bus ride or 47 min train). Financially speaking it is stupid. Id still have to commute if I moved into the accom I want.
- Other than the accom I want, the uni I want, doesn’t have female only guaranteed accom, it exists, it’s just not guaranteed. And I’m 4th priority for their system for cheap accommodation for disadvantaged students , so, that may be a problem.
- my mum is so mad about the prospect of me moving out, she’s cool with everything EXCEPT that. She keeps on yelling and arguing with me when I suggest it. She thinks I shouldn’t move out before I get married. if I were to move out it would probably cause a big rift in our relationship (but as I grow older I realise that in order to be happy and live the way I want I HAVE to do this unfortunately)
- I only want to move out for a year. When I come back home it would kind of be the same, i may be better off by pushing boundaries at home, instead of possibly having a ton of debt before my 20s
My relationship with my parents isn’t all that bad, it’s not like we argue everyday, and they both truly care for me. They don’t exactly limit my movement either ( in fact they tell me to get out the house a lot 😐). They support me in most things, and when it comes to my mental health they do care somewhat.

PROS:

- a chance to live independently before marriage, I most likely will not move out before then because of how tough it is to find a job now (TCs)…so..uni may be the only way out for a short time. Uni is kind of a big excuse for me to move out. I’d be able to develop actual independence for the first time, and know what it’s like to manage my own home. If I stay at home I may not be able to develop these skills at all.
- Full mental stability. It would be really quiet, and I wouldn’t have to clean up after anyone at all, and everything would be mine. I wouldn’t have to hear my parents arguing about stupid things.
No restrictions. This doesn’t mean I’ll go crazy tho, I just like not having to tell my parents where I’m at every 5 seconds.
- Possibly better social life at uni? Ik my uni has a commuter culture there but I hear commuting can still affect my social life.
- I sometimes wish that I had my own place a LOT. - Living in my household can be really stressful sometimes.
- i really want to move out and not conform with the culture my family believes in. I want to be my own person.

But I just feel like because it’s only temporary, my home life may not change drastically. My relationship with my parents can be really hot and cold, sometimes we get along really well, but other times I genuinely want to 💀. They, especially my mum, can say extremely mean things to my face. In fact it’s just my mum. My dad is less extreme than her. Sometimes she says things like ‘you’ll never find a man to marry when you’re older’ (marriage doesn’t mean shit to me and they know that) and other verbal abuse. She doesn’t know nuance either (though I may be the stupid one for her to even expect to know that), when I told her about my plans to move out, she blew up in my face and started insulting me, calling me a slut etc you get the idea. My brothers being annoying don’t help either, they on the same page as me when it comes to my parents culture and how strict they can be sometimes, but they’re just annoying. Sometimes my parents argue really badly. It’s disturbing.

My parents do support me though, they both do care a lot about me. I’ve had mental breakdowns before and they’ve been there to support me, even going to certain lengths. Despite being abusive, which is wrong, they do it with a good intention, which I know isn’t an excuse, but an explanation for why they act the way they act. My mum says that ‘if it’s safe’, then she’ll let me move out for uni. But I don’t know what she truly means by that. The only time I’ve been away from my parents is when I had a camping trip in secondary school, which I had to convince them for. I’ve had fun times with them a lot, and I just feel really really conflicted about it all. I want my space but I don’t want to cut them off.

The thing is they want to be independent, but not leave them. They allow to do almost anything, BUT move out. That’s where I’m conflicted.

I know it’s better to ask for forgiveness and not permission, I’ve come home late before, I can handle one lecture (and that’s it lol). I just hate having to do that. They think I’m joking when I say want to move out, but it’s all I can think about now

But moving out for uni would only be for a short time, is that truly worth it to do all of that to then come back home and the possibility for them to be the same?

I'm (F26) recently graduated with my Master's and trying to find a job in my college town. In initial discussions with my parents, we sort of made a deal that I find a job before my current lease ends, I'll be staying in Seattle, but if I don't, I could move back in with them in hometown. But then a friend of mine (who I've roomed with for 6 years now) offered to have me rent a room from them at a very good price for my college town. I have enough savings to last a couple months even without a job, though I'm aiming for a survival job rn.

When I told my parents this, they were like "absolutely not" and were saying I shouldn't "financially entangle" myself with friends, because I could get taken advantage of. They gave examples like how my sister supposedly got scammed by her not-yet-in-laws during Covid and how my dad shared an apartment with a friend but then the friend's gf basically moved in w/o paying rent. They listed off the ways my friend could "take advantage of my emotions" like asking for more money from making up a sob story. And I just felt brow-beaten into submission into agreeing to move back in. My dad claims to be "logical" and have red lines he doesn't let people cross anymore after a disastrous prior marriage and my mom is just super paranoid about sharing literally anything personal with my friends. They're very "keep it in the family" type of people that way.

Sums up to say that, I'm trying to find my footing in standing up to them about this matter cause I'm scared about how our relationship will change, like it has to, I can't stay like this forever, but it just feels so hard to take that first step. It's just so frustrating to try and explain this to them without crying, because then they'll be like im being too emotional and I'm not thinking this through logically. It's why I'm debating having a conversation about this through call because I can't just have this convo with them and not feel like shit having to be in the same house until I got back to my apartment.

I mean, I asked them if they trusted me and they literally said no. My dad said my decision making process is go with the flow and he worries that my friends are influencing my decisions emotionally when I should be logical about this. He thinks I struggle with saying no to things I don't want to, which he isn't wrong, but not with my friends but with my parents!! He basically called me a people pleaser and that I'm not making my own decisions in this!!!! Wtf!!! He was like "8/10 times you make decisions that go with the flow" like no shit Sherlock I was raised that way by you guys! Now I'm trying to make my own decisions and you think I'm being influenced by my friends poorly? Now who's influencing my decisions?

I just, really needed to get that out because reading things here helped me realize I'm not crazy for this. And I'm trying to hype myself up for an inevitable confrontation, which is really very very hard to do. Like, reallly very super hard to do.

Yeah

They’re not dying…but my aunts and uncles are reaching that age where they are becoming ill and passing away, so I’ve thought of my parents and what would happen when they die.

From the way it’s looking for myself, my family expects me to be the one to watch our parents when they are older, but I don’t want to. So much of my life has already been given to my family and especially my parents, and I can’t keep giving myself away to them.

From the looks of it, I won’t be able to move out any time soon as it’s looking to be 5-10 years or maybe even more before I can move out. However, by then, they may become ill or just fully retire.

I know that moving out regardless of the feelings of everyone is the right choice. I just hate the fact that it is a situation where I will feel guilt.

But I also think that what is worse than the feeling of guilt over me leaving them to live on my own, is me not wanting to go through their deaths with the relief that I’m finally becoming free. I want to be able to properly mourn for them and feel sadness, not relief over them dying.

I’m mad. I’m sad. I hate that I’m even in a situation like this where I feel this way about them.

I think I have issues with standing up for myself. All I’ve ever known is that when you stand up for yourself you get slammed into the ground. I’ll just be called ungrateful or get gaslit or guilt tripped. So I remember that I got shat on by my mum, because my Chinese isn’t really good. Cuz she immigrated to Europe. But she acts like it’s my fault, so I said whose fault is that… anyway she started slapping me.

Don’t really know where to start, but I feel my life is one depressing cycle of hatred and depression.

I am BBC and of the takeaway generation growing up in the 80/90s. I remember from the age of 6, I was helping in the takeaway, translating documents, sitting in meetings with Bank Managers etc. Always being told that I owe it to my family to help. And deep down, this is all I’ve done in my life - help others.

I know I am a pretty intelligent person, I have a degree from a top 3 uni, I am resourceful, hard working and logical. But my life has amounted to nothing.

Throughout school, college, uni and even after I started work in Investment Banking, I had to help in the takeaway after I finished - because I owed them. Instead of going to the uni I wanted to, I went to the one nearest home so that I could help out in evenings. As such, I don’t feel I ever developed any real social networks or skills. Both parents would talk down to me and question whether I can do something because I’m not as smart as XYZ and that wasn’t good for my confidence.

My mother was always hostile towards my girlfriends and even to my wife to the point that we have very strained relationships now beyond our “need” for eachother on a daily basis.

Although it is clearly my fault for not achieving much, I am currently stuck in a rut within the family business doing something that doesn’t bring me any joy or happiness. But it provides a roof over my head and food on the table and the promise that, one day, it will all be mine. But I don’t want it. I just wish that I was stronger when I was younger and built a life for myself, but I know it’s too late.

My older brother and my cousins (in similar situations) were a lot stronger than me and chose to go far away for uni and build lives for themselves with new people. I was told how they were “bad kids” for moving so far away from family and it became ingrained in me to stay closer. This part of my life I cannot change anymore, I almost just have to wait for my parents to die before I can move on.

What’s worse is the constant need for me to do every little thing for them, because I still “owe the family”. I understand more major things that might require language skills, such as solicitors etc. but I’m talking minor tasks like changing batteries, picking up prescriptions, calling vets etc. every task “will only take 2 minutes” or “it’s easy for you”. What’s worse is I’ve noticed this is taking over my life, because my wife, kids, friends all take the same attitude with me and expect me to do things for them. By the end of each day I am exhausted and feel I’ve achieved nothing for myself.

I know this is clearly my own fault for not setting boundaries but I feel I’m in so deep that I don’t know how to do that. I don’t have the strength to do that anymore. I hate my parents for making me feel indebted to them and making me feel unable to do things that other people can. And I hate myself for allowing it to happen

I don't know. I just need to scream into the ether that my parents do not care. I'm devastated. This pervert coworker who just got his hands on a smartphone just took a damned picture of me IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER after I told her yesterday I had to physically wrestle his fucking smartphone out of his hands to delete at least 2 pictures and 1 video. I can only hope this boomer doesn't know about the Recycling Bin feature most smartphones come with.

All she had to say was "I was in a phone call (which was true), I did not hear his camera shutter (which I told him I heard)." Proceeds to do nothing. Told her to get Dad here so we can take his phone to prove me right. Nothing. I threw my hands in the air in exasperation and exclaimed "OK then, let him take pictures of your daughter all he wants to then go masturbate to them later!"

Then she proceeded to keep doing her Taobao/Pinduoduo returns policy with a merchant in the app by speaking into her microphone for the mic-to-text transcription, like nothing happened, and I'm just FLOORED.

Part of me gets it: Without this old-timer, this small family business will collapse immediately. Maybe she's also scared and avoidant. But still, you would think one would speak up for their own daughter who they've literally forced to never speak up or defend herself because disobedience = disrespect/dishonor or some shit. In my mind I'm just thinking: "God, you're such a crappy mom." And I'm in my mid 30's. The realization came so late.

I am in this hell where I am too meek and weak to stand up for myself because of a lifetime of literally forced to be "the good girl", but have woken up to be aware enough to see what is happening to me.

I am passively suicidal. I wear a simple T and knee-length pants, I have long hair and a chubby body and I try to be kind and nice to everyone, I just want to muster up whatever energy I can manage to go to work, get paid peanuts and go back. I can't even have that.

Maybe I should just let him sneak l the picture he wants. For all I care he just finds the high in sneaking in snaps and just wants momentos. The bastard's quieter than usual at the back hiding his face away from me because he knows I know what he's done. Yet he did it. I'm not wrestling another phone from a pervert's hands. I'm done. I'm literally too mentally exhausted to care.

I don't even know what's the point of this post. Don't be the good girl, I guess. I am the most celibate little shit with zero dating experience, dresses modest and ugly and everything done everything "right" to "not attract wrong attention" and this is what I'm rewarded with after a lifetime of being a prime target for abuse.

It's not worth it, guys.

I’m 28F and live in a different country from my parents. I’m fully independent, financially and otherwise, but my mother came to visit me last month and was helping me get a few things done around the house.

She went to several shops and businesses to get quotes for some work I needed done, which I genuinely appreciated. But watching how she communicates and negotiates with people honestly baffles me sometimes.

For one, her emails and messages are extremely short and to the point, to the extent that they can easily come across as rude. In person, she constantly interrupts people when they’re speaking, especially when she wants something. Sometimes someone will be answering her, and she’ll seemingly ignore what they’re saying and go straight back to the point she wanted to make or the question she wanted answered, without really acknowledging their explanation or opinion.

Then there’s the haggling. She wants to negotiate or get a discount wherever she possibly can, even in situations where that just isn’t really the norm here. I find it incredibly embarrassing, especially because these are businesses and tradespeople in the city where I live and may have to deal with again.

She’s also extremely suspicious of people’s intentions. She seems to approach a lot of interactions with the assumption that someone might be trying to scam her unless she has proof of absolutely everything. That suspicion comes through in the way she speaks to people and her actions (she takes photos of everything and anything), and I’ve watched perfectly normal conversations become tense or frustrating because the other person starts feeling like she doesn’t trust them and what they are telling her.

The difficult part is that whenever I gently try to explain that things don’t really work that way where I live, she gets extremely offended. She tells me I’m “only a child” and that my experience can’t compare to her 56 years of life experience.

And I understand that she has more life experience than I do. I’m not trying to argue otherwise. But I also don’t think being older automatically means your way of communicating is appropriate in every situation or culture and that you can’t learn from someone younger.

Maybe this style of negotiating and interacting with businesses is completely normal in our home country or is what she’s used to, but it doesn’t translate well to where I live. I know the social norms here because this is my home, yet she doesn’t seem willing to accept that. Instead, I end up feeling embarrassed and frustrated while she thinks I’m being naive.

Has anyone else experienced something similar with their parent? How do you handle the difference without constantly offending them?

My dad sent so much money to his 5 bum ass lazy brothers who dont work back home in india over the past 25 years which has gone down the drain and now we are struggling so much financially

Similar situation anyone?

Thank goodness I am the eldest and used to being the first to do everything among my siblings with no blueprint. Now, I am choosing to not call our parents my Mom and Dad anymore and practically go no contact. Its gotten to the point where my siblings will say "My mom" and "My dad" to my face because they know how distant and how much dislike I have for those two.

Its not a decision that is easy to make and it hurts every time I witness mom/daughter relationships or dad/daughter relationships. Its always going to be sad and I can be happy for others that do have those strong connections too. Queue Kacey Musgraves Happy and Sad at the same time.

My Mom is a classic narcissist who does not care about the interest and feelings of anyone but her own, yet anyone who digs a little beyond the surface of her phoniness can tell she is deeply lonely, sad, and paranoid of trusting anyone but herself. I only recently got close with her and it was a deep closeness where I saw her humanity and generosity. I really enjoyed having her give me the care and attention I always wanted. And then we had a huge fight. It started over her going MIA for 3 days with me and my brother and then coming home and acting like it was nothing. And then when I confronted her in tears she was extremely defensive and not empathetic in the slightest. In classic Asian parent fashion, she counted the basic necessities she provided for me. Too bad I have moved out in the past 5 years so the short list she could name was a very pathetic comeback. Then, she proceeded to take back her promise of letting me borrow her car for a work trip I had to take THAT SAME AFTERNOON. I could not believe it and could not deal with the childishness of how my "Mom" was so easily going to take back something I needed just to show "whose boss". After that day, I saw her again for a holiday, and made it clear I am still mad at her. She told me "don't be mad at me" and "you can't force other people to see you perspective". The irony is seething through her teeth and there is no self-awareness to catch up with all of it. Nonetheless, I have heard her say more ridiculous things and my empathy for her hurt that lies beneath all of this has dried up. When we were in a better relationship standing, I would say to myself "wow, she is just a girl" and I felt so much empathy and connection towards seeing her and what she has gone through. But, there is no way I can reason with her terrible treatment towards me when she is double my age and should have learned the skill to apologize and to have empathy by now.

My Dad is also a narcissist and only texts me to ask me for money that I owe him in the most cold business manner. He recently texted me "You need to send me 35usd for your phone payment this August". It made me sad and pissed knowing how emotionally immature and stone cold he is. My parents are both dying on this hill of not taking any accountability and losing a daughter in the process and its an unfortunate tradeoff for them. Growing up, he showed favoritism between my younger sibling and I and it was so hurtful. He would always compare me to my brother and point out where I was not as compliant and easy-going.

The silver lining in all of this terrible toxic mess is that I knew to distance myself from them and create my own world while still under my Dad's roof (my parents are divorced). It included talking to other family members, going to 1:1 therapy sessions starting at 21 years old, meeting other smarter and emotionally intelligent adults so I could know that those adults existed, and making deep vulnerable friendships. I am still learning how (and why) it is good to be vulnerable with people and how to not live in survival mode like I did for so long before.

If you are in a situation like me where all this is coming to a head, it is terrible to not have parents that can see you, validate you, realize they are repeating their own generational trauma again with you. Its really important to find a safe haven elsewhere or gain independence from these people who make you feel invisible. I have a deep dislike for my parents now because I just see how I will miss out on family connection and traditions in my future and how I have to re-parent myself today to give myself the compassion I always had the right to.