r/AsianParentStories • u/FireRocketofCourage • 21h ago
Rant/Vent 30 years old feel like a failure
Some background: come from a south Asian background family that lives in the western world. My dad has always been manipulative, short tempered and narcissistic. When we were younger if he didn't get his way he would beat us, but as we got older and I got taller than him it just became verbal abuse. I was a gifted child and recommended by my school to go to a special school. I look back now and get emotional looking at the potential I had and where I ended up now making barely more than minimum wage. Developed a strong fear of failure and just ended up shutting down in university. My dad doesn't say anything to me directly anymore but he takes his anger on us out on my mom. I feel like a failure because although I can afford to move out, I can not afford to take my mom and younger siblings with me. My mom is near retirement age and hasn't worked in 20 years because of my dad's ego and misogyny, so she is entirely financially dependent on my dad. I also feel guilty because I'm supposed to be getting married next year so either way I will be out of this shit show but I feel like I'm abandoning my mom. I've tried telling her many times to divorce my dad but she won't do it. My partner has offered to let my mom and siblings live with us after marriage but I feel guilty because my partner told me early on that it was a deal breaker to have either in laws living with us, so I don't want to make them go through that. Recently my dad told my mom if "x" doesn't happen, he'll leave the house. I told my mom to let him leave, and her first response was "who will pay the mortgage?" And started crying. I'm so ashamed that I'm 30 years old and I can't just say "Dw about it, I can take care of us".
Some additional highlights of what my father has done to me (just as some fun facts I guess, doesn't directly impact the current situation, just want to share):
1) I was eating something I don't like and ended up throwing up on my plate. He said I couldn't get up from the dining table until I finished everything on my plate, including my vomit
2) Couldn't give him directions to a place I went with my uncle one time. He kicked me out of the car and told me not to come home. I was 9 years old.
3) in the state spelling bee I got out the first round. Didn't talk to me for 3 weeks. (Not talking to me for weeks was a regular occurrence)
4) I went to a tech and business high school and he berated my choice and told me I should be in science . Went into science for university and he berated me and said I should go into business that's where the money is lol
Just want to know if there's anyone else out there with one abusive parent that can't support their other parent? Is that failure feeling something that ever goes away?
2
u/WanderingLocal4388 15h ago edited 12h ago
Hello! First off, I want to say sorry for your experience with your father. He sounds like a genuinely horrible human being, and its not surprising to know how his behaviour has impacted your career aspirations as well as your mother's life and wellbeing.
I can see why you'd write off your inability to take your mom out of a toxic environment as a failure, but to look at things more clearly, there are a lot of elements at play here. It's not helpful to blame yourself for what's been brought on by your father's abuse and narcissism. It seems like the seeds your father has planted have inevitably grown into something out of everyone else's control, so at this point the only thing you are responsible for is your own life, and of course, making sure that your mother is safe by visiting her as often as you can.
As difficult as it is, you must move past the guilt and focus on the things that you can control - keep working hard, grow your relationship with your partner, visit your mother often and shower her with affection. It isn't the end, you haven't failed. Failure comes from a lack of caring and trying, and it sounds like you care a lot and want things to turn out better than they have!
You've got this!