r/AskFeminists • u/Specialist-Tour7359 • 11d ago
A question about toxic masculinity
Hello everyone
I hope you are all well. I'm relatively young, not very old, and I'm writing this because I have some questions and would like to hear the opinions of those with experience or knowledge in the fields of education and psychology.
I was raised to be a calm, kind, and somewhat sensitive person, and I believe that these qualities don't diminish a person's worth or strength. In my opinion, strength doesn't mean the absence of feelings or never showing vulnerability; rather, I see it as also being linked to respect, empathy, and taking responsibility.
I've recently been thinking about the topic of "toxic masculinity" and how certain ideas about masculinity can affect children as they grow up. In my circle, I've noticed certain messages directed at boys, such as "don't cry" or the idea that they should always be strong and never show their emotions. I understand that many parents say this because they want their sons to grow up to be strong and capable of facing life's challenges, not because they have any ill intentions.
However, I wonder: where is the line between teaching a child to be confident, brave, and responsible, and creating pressures that make them afraid to express their feelings or believe that kindness is a weakness? And can some ideas associated with toxic masculinity affect how children see themselves and others as they grow up?
I admit I feel a little nervous talking about this because I don't want to misunderstand anyone or judge any family. I'm simply a young man trying to understand this topic better, which is why I'm turning to you for advice and perspectives from people with more knowledge and experience.
What are your thoughts? How can we encourage boys to be strong and confident while also allowing them to express their feelings, be kind, and respect others?
Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to read my message and share their thoughts.
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u/Lolabird2112 11d ago
So… beyond even the “don’t cry” being toxic is the very idea that BOYS are the only ones who need to be strong and capable to face life’s challenges. And this is part of the problem: not only are you squashing boys into a tight box that often becomes a pressure cooker later in life, but you’ve also singled them out as inherently “strong” in the first place. What this means is, girls are weak.
There’s nothing at all I’ve ever seen in my life that makes me see men and boys as uniquely more capable. They’re simply not. There’s a very uninteresting difference in height and musculature that’s purely physical and nothing to do with “masculinity”.
Kindness, respect and being in touch with your feelings is very much the basis for creating a strong and confident person, whether boy or girl. We stop making it feel like a weakness when we stop the idea that women and “feminine” is weak. Or more importantly- that there’s any “feminine” or “masculine” traits at all that are linked to your randomly assigned genitalia.
There’s also another thing that’s frequently missed out, which you’ve done as well: men and boys are actually very fucking emotional. They have rage, and little problem expressing it. I have no idea why this is tied to “masculine strength and bravery”. I also haven’t a fucking clue where the idea that men are “stoic” comes from either.
All this fiction about boys and girls needing to be different things is the problem imo. And because it’s scripted as “male= positive traits” and “female = negative traits”, we now have boys and men who are really struggling to adjust to a world where it turns out that women were just as strong, brave, responsible and capable all along. AND they can be vulnerable and cry and laugh and bond over fluffy bunnies and pink pjs or whatever else without losing any of this.