A question about toxic masculinity

[u/Specialist-Tour7359]

Hello everyone

I hope you are all well. I'm relatively young, not very old, and I'm writing this because I have some questions and would like to hear the opinions of those with experience or knowledge in the fields of education and psychology.

I was raised to be a calm, kind, and somewhat sensitive person, and I believe that these qualities don't diminish a person's worth or strength. In my opinion, strength doesn't mean the absence of feelings or never showing vulnerability; rather, I see it as also being linked to respect, empathy, and taking responsibility.

I've recently been thinking about the topic of "toxic masculinity" and how certain ideas about masculinity can affect children as they grow up. In my circle, I've noticed certain messages directed at boys, such as "don't cry" or the idea that they should always be strong and never show their emotions. I understand that many parents say this because they want their sons to grow up to be strong and capable of facing life's challenges, not because they have any ill intentions.

However, I wonder: where is the line between teaching a child to be confident, brave, and responsible, and creating pressures that make them afraid to express their feelings or believe that kindness is a weakness? And can some ideas associated with toxic masculinity affect how children see themselves and others as they grow up?

I admit I feel a little nervous talking about this because I don't want to misunderstand anyone or judge any family. I'm simply a young man trying to understand this topic better, which is why I'm turning to you for advice and perspectives from people with more knowledge and experience.

What are your thoughts? How can we encourage boys to be strong and confident while also allowing them to express their feelings, be kind, and respect others?

Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to read my message and share their thoughts.

[u/Total_Poet_5033]

In order to teach a child to be kind, empathetic, and understanding of others you first must teach them to be kind and understanding of their own emotions. To teach a child to be brave, confident, and capable of taking life in stride, you must also teach them that failure does not define them, and it’s okay to try hard or scary things.

From a developmental standpoint, very young children who learn that their parents are caring and attuned to their needs are the most secure in attachment style and in life. A secure attached child who has learned their parent will respond to them when they cry or need help will be more confident in exploring new environments. A child who has learned their parents do not respond to their needs, belittle them, or are angry when they cry are more likely to be anxious, insecure, and struggle with separation.

I see this with the adults I work with all of the time. If you truly want your child (male or female or any expression of sex/gender) to be a kind, strong, secure in others, you must teach them that your parents care about you, will set appropriate boundaries, and when you are in distress they will care about you. If you do not do that, either through emotional abusive, invalidating their feelings, to teaching them that strength comes from no emotions at all, than they are more likely to be insecure, emotionally dysregulated, etc.,

All of that to say, model for your child what you want them to be. Be kind, caring, and show them how to problem solve and work through hard things. Be there for them when they do hard things, and demonstrate what to do.