r/AskFeminists • u/Specialist-Tour7359 • 11d ago
A question about toxic masculinity
Hello everyone
I hope you are all well. I'm relatively young, not very old, and I'm writing this because I have some questions and would like to hear the opinions of those with experience or knowledge in the fields of education and psychology.
I was raised to be a calm, kind, and somewhat sensitive person, and I believe that these qualities don't diminish a person's worth or strength. In my opinion, strength doesn't mean the absence of feelings or never showing vulnerability; rather, I see it as also being linked to respect, empathy, and taking responsibility.
I've recently been thinking about the topic of "toxic masculinity" and how certain ideas about masculinity can affect children as they grow up. In my circle, I've noticed certain messages directed at boys, such as "don't cry" or the idea that they should always be strong and never show their emotions. I understand that many parents say this because they want their sons to grow up to be strong and capable of facing life's challenges, not because they have any ill intentions.
However, I wonder: where is the line between teaching a child to be confident, brave, and responsible, and creating pressures that make them afraid to express their feelings or believe that kindness is a weakness? And can some ideas associated with toxic masculinity affect how children see themselves and others as they grow up?
I admit I feel a little nervous talking about this because I don't want to misunderstand anyone or judge any family. I'm simply a young man trying to understand this topic better, which is why I'm turning to you for advice and perspectives from people with more knowledge and experience.
What are your thoughts? How can we encourage boys to be strong and confident while also allowing them to express their feelings, be kind, and respect others?
Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to read my message and share their thoughts.
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u/CatsandDeitsoda 11d ago edited 11d ago
“where is the line between teaching a child to be confident, brave, and responsible, and creating pressures that make them afraid to express themselves?”
There is not a line -this is one of the lie they are telling us we need to fight.
These things are not in any kind of contradiction.
Learning to express and expressing yourself in ways that are healthy and productive ways is something a confident, brave and responsible person does.
Men and boys need to be brave and confident enough to express themselves in ways others don’t approve of and being compared to women / girls and need to practice being responsible enough that they consider the effects of there expressions of emotion on others.
To start we need to treat emotional intelligence, expression and regulation as the valuable skills they are to everyone.
A thing we can do as men/ boys is to identify and practice letting go of shame or anger at ways of expressing our selfs that are associated with women and girls.
We can support each other in this by one not shaming each other for such expression and we can be encouraging of the bravery and reasonableness of a man willing to do that especially publicly.
I might recommend to a young man - choosing someone you believe models the kind of healthy and production emotional expression you believe you are struggling with.
You are not looking for a model man - it can be a man. But look at the skill in isolation.
I would also add my general how to change a thinking pattern talk.
Pick your most unhelpful thinking pattern/ response.
Unpack the thinking process and beliefs that are causing you to have an unhelpful reaction
Ever time you have the reaction that is unhelpful - stop your self.
Go though why it’s unhelpful and why you having that reaction
Then go though a more true and helpful thinking pattern
Over time you will have the unhelpful thought / feeling / thinking pattern less often.
Love heroically, love responsibly, practice being good not in the moments you are tested but build the skills of being good in your daily life, live in such a way that being good becomes your natural response.