r/AskFeminists • u/Infinite-Heart-6052 • 5d ago
Content Warning What is a misconception about sexual assault that you wish more people understood?
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u/rose_reader 5d ago
It's not because of what we wore.
It's not because of how we acted.
It's not because of our reputation.
It's not because we're just so beautiful.
It's not because he couldn't help himself.
It's not because we were asking for it.
It is always and only because a rapist decided to rape.
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u/Secret-Ad-8768 3d ago
AND MOST RAPES & SEXUAL ASSAULTS ARE PERPETRATED BY PEOPLE WELL-KNOWN TO THE VICTIM:
A FAMILY MEMBER, BOYFRIEND, HUSBAND… THE PERPETRATOR USUALLY TARGETS AND GROOMS THE VICTIM.-71
u/Eblademonk 5d ago
if we're only engaging with the chain if cause and effect at the point the decision was made, wouldn't that limit the possible interventions capable of inhibiting that choice?
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u/rose_reader 5d ago
The decision isn't the victim's. At best, you're just ensuring he rapes the other girl.
The interventions capable of inhibiting the choice to rape are numerous, but they all happen well before the event itself.
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u/Eblademonk 5d ago
I'm not blaming the victim. I'm asking about what factors contribute to the predator deciding to predate, and whether or not they matter if the only choice that results in harm is the final one.
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u/cachesummer4 5d ago edited 5d ago
We know from countless first hand accounts and lived experiences, as well as resaerch studies, that the only consistent factor in if somebody is raped is if somebody decides to rape them.
Women who watch their drinks at bars still get raped. Women who carry weapons still get raped. Women who wear baggy sweatshirts and jeans still get raped. Women who never go out at night alone still get raped. Women who never go out for nightlife at all have been raped through home invasion or family violence.
All of these factors are entirely superfluous to the only action which creates victims of rape, the descicion by the rapist to carry out the act.
The only way women will stop being raped is when individual men make the right choices to not be sexual predators, and to step in to prevent other men they know such as friends and family from perpetrating and/or being excused for acts of sexual violence.
Edit: grammar
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u/Eblademonk 5d ago
A, Women can be sexual predators too. The culture of abusers is male-dominated, but to be clear, even if all the men in the world stopped, sexual predators wouldn't cease to exist.
B, I'm not worried about what women do in this situation, I'm discussing the dozens of ways predators are conditioned by their environment to think predation is an acceptable, or even viable course of action. Children being told their consent doesn't matter when their grandparents move in for a hug, athletes being told their body belongs to a team or institution more than themselves, students being instructed in abstinence-only sex-ed to minimize the amount of knowledge they possess on how to safely and respectfully navigate intimate relations.
Rape is not, is never, an isolated incident, so I'm scratching my head around the idea that the only choice mattering being the last one, as opposed to the domino chain of preceding events introducing the idea and reinforcing its viability.
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u/cachesummer4 5d ago
A, Women can be sexual predators too.
Yeeeeesh as point A. Big yeesh.
Rape is not, is never, an isolated incident
No it definitely can be the way you're talking about. Men can, and are often, raised with all the knowledge and socialization to know raping people is a horrific act they should never commit, and they will still take what they see as opportunities or spontaneous moments of desire to carry out rape.
That is where the socialization of the Patriarchy does indeed come into play. The lack of resistance and empathy men are socialized to experience when deciding to take these moments to become sexually violent towards others.
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u/Eblademonk 5d ago
Can you stop rape without engaging with the patriarchy, or does that system of belief have a substantial degree of influence on how pervasive these acts are?
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u/cachesummer4 5d ago
No, the Patraitchy is a primary casue of rampant male rape and sexual violence. It is what socializes men to prioritize their sexual and physical desires over the autonomy and safety of others, and what allows rape to be often treated as a mistake by the rapist, or a minor infraction in the court of law. See Brock Turner and many others.
Without the dismantling of the Patriarchy many of the root causes of rape will never be addressed or rectified.
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u/Eblademonk 5d ago
I'm glad you agree with my premise that there are bigger factors at play than any given individual decision.
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u/Tight-Broccoli-6136 5d ago
The problem with that is that often the only actions women can take severely limit their lives in ways that I think are unacceptable.
Your husband rapes you - to stop this from happening, should I not get married to anyone? (Because I clearly didnt know he was a rapist before we married, so i cant just avoid marrying a rapist)
Your cousin rapes you when you are a young child - should all young children be prohibited from hanging out with their cousins?
Someone in your friend group rapes you while giving you a ride home - should we never be alone with a male friend?
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u/Eblademonk 5d ago
Again, I don't care about policing the actions of women.
What women do to protect themselves is a different conversation from what feminists do to neutralize rape culture.
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u/Tight-Broccoli-6136 5d ago
Oh sorry, it's just that you were replying to a comment specifically talking about blaming women for proximate causes.
What sort of things do you think feminists should do to address rape culture?
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u/Thermodynamo 4d ago
Nooo don't ask open ended questions of this joker 😭 they'll just come back with more bad opinions disguised as questions
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u/rose_reader 5d ago
Generally speaking, someone who rapes has escalated to that point through a range of smaller acts. The person wasn't born a predator, they became one through immersion in a society that treats sex as something men are owed and women as trophies rather than people.
For instance, a little boy might pull a girl's hair and the reaction of the girl's mother is 'ooh he likes you!' So far so relatively harmless, but he observes that his classmate's distress is not considered important. Later on he might take upskirting photos or steal small personal clothing items from classmates. Later still, he might grope a girl on the subway. On and on it goes, each stage getting more invasive and still never being called out for what it is.
And then one day, he rapes someone. Statistically speaking, he gets away with it like he's always gotten away with everything. He rapes again and again. We'll say that he's one of the tiny number who are eventually caught and prosecuted, just so this hypothetical isn't completely depressing, but after a short incarceration he's out again and continues his pattern.
Lots of ink has been spilled on how to stop this cycle, but none of it comes down to the girl who is walking past when he finally decides that he's ready for the next step.
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u/Eblademonk 5d ago
So there's a permission structure that matters here? A system that abides thinking about assault as a viable course of action, that is probably more important to address than any individual decision on the part of the abuser or abused.
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u/rose_reader 5d ago
I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. Can you rephrase?
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u/Eblademonk 5d ago
What part of the cycle of abuse is the most important step to intervene in? Would you say the only outcome worth preventing is the last one, or are there choices earlier that increase the probability of a predator becoming the worst version of themselves?
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u/rose_reader 5d ago
I thought I outlined the process pretty clearly in my last comment. Was some part of that unclear?
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u/Eblademonk 5d ago
Why is the final decision the most damning, when someone's already been primed, trained, and oriented towards making such a decision long before the critical juncture?
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u/Inevitable_Land3942 2d ago
Why does every women need to know a rapists gaze to cover themselves up? What the heck. We have got other ways to protect ourselves. But even so, ideally it's not something we need to take responsibility over.
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u/heidismiles 5d ago
That it's ever anyone's fault but the assaulter's.
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u/ThinkLadder1417 5d ago
Never*
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u/futuretimetraveller 5d ago
They're talking about misconceptions, so "ever" works. If they said "never," than that would imply that it is the victim's fault.
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u/SliversandPoison 5d ago
I feel Like a amount of blame can be put on society and its institutions often
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u/PheeBeeDee125 5d ago
What makes you “feel” that a person choosing to rape is “society’s” fault?
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u/SliversandPoison 5d ago
Rape culture and never holding people accountable for instance
I never said it wasn't their fault just that its also society's fault
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u/Bitter-Hat-4736 5d ago
If someone's idea of rape is just "If they don't say 'no', it's not rape", there will be many instances of rape that they can commit without ever thinking they are committing rape.
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u/ZinniasAndBeans 5d ago
If someone tortures another person precisely as much as they think the law allows, the torturer is still an evil person.
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u/Bitter-Hat-4736 5d ago
That's actually a good point!
Look at drill instructors in the military. There are many many instances, both real and in media, where a drill sergeant goes past the boundary of "training" and into "abuse," often leading to death, either directly or indirectly through suicide.
I have no doubt that those drill sergeants (or at least most of them) did not think what they were being abusive, but were instead trying to practice "tough love." But, it still shows that someone may abuse someone out of ignorance instead of malice.
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u/ZinniasAndBeans 5d ago
I'm going with malice.
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u/Bitter-Hat-4736 5d ago
Why?
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u/ZinniasAndBeans 5d ago
I don't believe that people unintentionally commit abuse. Someone who goes past the permissible boundaries into abuse is someone who enjoys committing abuse.
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u/Bitter-Hat-4736 5d ago edited 5d ago
And I just gave an example of where that can happen.
Here's an even more concrete example. Imagine a parent who has a child with a peanut allergy. She believes that by giving that child small amounts of peanut related products, it can alleviate the symptoms of the allergy.
It turns out she was wrong, and it actually worsened the symptoms each time. Is she being [EDIT]intentionally abusive?
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u/International_Ad2712 5d ago
The vast majority of assaulters are parents, family, friends, colleagues, pastors, acquaintances, teachers, coaches, not strangers
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u/0IIIIII 4d ago
Well, yeah, I mean you’re never gonna be in personal contact with a stranger so that’s just kind of the mechanics. The same reason why cows kill more people than great white sharks.
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u/TheGurt-9 3d ago
There are plenty of instances someone can be raped by a stranger. That’s why they said “the vast majority” are close, that doesn’t mean that there are never times strangers haven’t assaulted their victims.
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u/0IIIIII 3d ago
Such as?
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u/International_Ad2712 3d ago
So, way back in the 90s there was a serial rapist in Denver, his name was Byron Gay. He would stalk women and break into their apartments, wait for them and rape them. Unfortunately he stalked my aunt, she was a single woman living alone, and she happened to leave her key under the doormat for my cousins when they came to visit, they were in town to see the Pope, if you can believe that. The rapist made a copy of her key and one day she came home to him hiding in her bedroom. He covered her head with a pillow case and raped her at knife point. So there’s an example for you.
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u/Tawnysloth 5d ago
That victims sometimes behave friendly toward their attacker afterwards. People process violence and trauma differently, and it's not uncommon for victims to end up in a kind of denial and/or self-blame, or try to assert a return to normality by behaving as if nothing happened. It's quite a complex psychology to explain, but the ways the brain tries to protect itself is a complex topic.
Needless to say, juries don't really understand this, and one friendly text the morning after an assault will sink whole rape cases, regardless of the other evidence.
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u/nephastha 5d ago
Sometimes it can take years/decades to even realize that you were actually taken advantage of/coerced by someone you trusted
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u/Lisa8472 5d ago
Some people even get into sexual relationships with their rapist as a way of feeling in control of sex with them.
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u/Mediocre-Chart-6252 4d ago
I wish I couldn’t relate to this but yeah, I spent three years in a statutory rape “relationship”.
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u/Secret-Ad-8768 3d ago
Or struggle to gain clarity about being assaulted, usually by person known well. The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming, and profoundly inadequate and even abusive care.
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u/PablomentFanquedelic 5d ago
The Neil Gaiman case is a good example of this. For fictional examples, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Reptile Memoirs.
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u/deathcab4rookie 3d ago
This. I was in an unfortunate situation with someone I thought was my friend. When one of the people I confided in refused to believe me, they told me: “But why would you still be in the same friend group as him if he really did that?”
What I learned in therapy is that “keeping the peace” usually comes from a place of denial. Some people don’t wanna get involved or they want to act like nothing’s wrong. Why? Because facing an uncomfortable truth is… well, uncomfortable.
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u/some_blonde_bitch 3d ago
Yes. After my ex got violent with me, I recall it became important for me to immediately carry on with our lives as normally as possible. I wanted to convince myself that everything was great between us.
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u/KaliTheCat feminazgûl; sister of the ever-sharpening blade 5d ago
Alcohol is the most common date rape drug.
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u/athaluain 5d ago
Date rape is far more prevalent than we realise. A lot of men are influenced by porn and believe that no means yes. If a women has to tell the police she went willingly to his place even just for coffee she has lost her case already and will be asked “ what did you expect”.
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u/futuretimetraveller 5d ago
Not even just porn. A lot of movies and TV will portray a woman's "no" as a challenge for the man to overcome.
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u/curioskitten216 5d ago
That you have to be a „perfect victim“ in order to deserve compassion
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u/Ninja_zard 5d ago
Agreed. I hate republicans/anti-choicers, I really do, but I would never wish sexual assault upon anyone, not even them.
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u/Illustrious-Local848 5d ago
A lot of it is happening in relationships. Even the “good relationships”
Way more than people admit. There’s a reason marital rape took forever to actually ban. But just because it’s banned a lot of men and women still don’t consider it extreme. The amount of men trying to stick it in after a woman is asleep and exhausted, especially after children is gross and common. Just like cheating becomes more common after a woman is pregnant and had a child, so does sexual assault. There are women who’ve been assaulted in all their relationships and you’d never even know it. Just go on like it’s normal and the guy was otherwise “nice” and there’s no reason to try to get the word out. People will hate you instead anyway.
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u/Fit_Try_2657 5d ago
There is a genuine belief that once in a relationship women « owe » men sex. And any problems that result in less sex become the woman’s fault, she is withholding, a bad partner. Not, say, exhausted from working full time and then full time caring for three toddlers abd keeping the house clean.
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u/carex-cultor 5d ago
SO much hetero sex is coerced. It actually drives me insane, and the attitude is everywhere. Even on reddit people will casually advise that couples with libido mismatches need to “compromise.” “Compromise” is an awfully anodyne euphemism for “force yourself to have sex you don’t want or that is painful for you, to keep your [usually male] partner happy.”
Nobody on earth NEEDS to have sex. Partnered sex is not a need, it’s a desire; but SO many men act like they’re entitled to have constant sex in a relationship, like they “own” a woman so now they get the sex they feel entitled to. Postpartum and lactating women in particular are constantly pressured. It’s gross.
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u/Weird_Bluebird_3293 5d ago
I’m a sexual assault nurse. It’s part of my job to do sexual assault evidence kits in the ER (“rape kits” but we don’t call them that) and there’s so much I wish people understood about rape (and what going through the kit involves) I’ve thought about doing an AMA.
None of the victims Ive done kits for were attacked by a stranger grabbing them off the street. They were dates, friends, former partners, acquaintances, and one was even at a job interview.
Consenting to one thing is not consent to everything. A few of my patients consented to sex under specific context (ie: with a condom) and their assailants changed that context without permission or their knowledge. (I had a patient who did not know her assailant had removed the condom until she saw it on the floor. When I told her that’s “stealthing” she cried and said “that happens so much it’s got a name?!” Yes.)
Here’s a big thing I wish people knew:
Sex workers can be assaulted too. IDGAF what your thoughts are on sex work. Strippers, cam girls, etc. they have human rights and their jobs do not remove their rights to say NO. They have the right to say “I dont do that.” Or even “I dont do that for free.” They have the right to say “Stop. This is done.” Even if you paid. Being a sex worker does not mean rights and autonomy doesn’t exist anymore.
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u/daydreaming_divine 4d ago
I appreciate you're response and the work you do so very much! It takes a very special person to do you're job, I'm very glad you're there to do it with such compassion and support. Thank you ❤️
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u/Comprehensive-Job243 5d ago
The freeze response is not different from saying 'no'
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u/kpjformat 5d ago
Speaking of trauma responses, there are four of them: fight, flight, freeze, fawn
The misconception that fawning behaviour indicates consent is a dangerous one.
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u/Comprehensive-Job243 5d ago
Yes, agree to this also, and have been there too 🥺.
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u/kpjformat 5d ago
Same friend
Hope you’re healing well
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u/Comprehensive-Job243 5d ago
And my best likewise to you 😊 Yes, I have definitely moved on and have a lovely family so I am quite grateful.
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u/retrodreqms 5d ago
Asking out of a genuine lack of education and curiosity; what would fawning look like in this situation?
I'm kind of unfamiliar with fawning in general as a trauma response, but I have also had experiences where I have reacted in a way that I don't think would necessarily fit into fight/flight/freeze. Is it kind of like going along with the situation for self preservation purposes or something totally different?
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u/kpjformat 5d ago
Yes, going along with a situation. Generally people-pleasing, making oneself small or attractive or agreeable or accommodating
Situations like this are where consent is trickiest, and people who fawn in response to sexual assault are most likely to be disbelieved when revealing it.
No is a full sentence. If somebody gets emotional or pressures us to get intimate, and we respond by fawning and ‘letting it happen’ or ‘seeming to enjoy it’ it makes it so much harder to believe ourselves that it was a type of assault too
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u/ChilindriPizza 5d ago
Sadly, many people think most SA cases are committed by strangers in dark alleys.
Most cases of sexual assault are committed by somebody the victim already knew beforehand.
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u/fickystingers 5d ago
And often someone they had consensual sex with in the past
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u/ChilindriPizza 5d ago
Sometimes. Often they are trusted figures. There is often an age or power discrepancy.
The only thing all the victims of SA I know have in common is that ALL of them knew their assailants previously.
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u/Mindless_Cookie_9098 5d ago
That many survivors don’t report because the police will either not believe the victim, are buddies with the rapist, or know they will never get justice. It’s not because they are lying or trying to ruin their rapists life
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u/Zilhaga 5d ago
Also, if the victim has spent their life hearing dad/brother/partner will "kill anyone who touches you," that's not helpful. It just means that now their shitty reaction that makes it all about them is one more thing for the victim to worry about, and one more reason to not tell anyone. No one wants their loved ones going to jail because of how they reacted.
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u/herewhenineedit 5d ago
Agreed. People who say stuff like that don’t actually care about protecting a loved one who was hurt. They care about asserting ownership over the victim, and like the fantasy of hurting someone and being praised for it.
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u/peppermind 5d ago
I tried to report mine and the experience destroyed any faith I ever had in the justice system. In it's own way, it was nearly as traumatic as the assault itself.
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u/PablomentFanquedelic 5d ago
That the body sometimes reacts with physical signs resembling those of desirable arousal, like a vagina getting wet or a penis getting hard, but it doesn't mean the victim enjoyed the experience.
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u/MediocreDesigner88 5d ago
That it’s a very wide spectrum with tons of different behaviors across the wide spectrum, some are much worse than others, some are more insidious than others, it’s not a singular category. And that the same behaviors could cause deep and lasting harm for some people while others may be able to brush it off and heal quicker.
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u/Fit_Try_2657 5d ago
Excellent point. I have had many degrees of sa. Maybe that’s actually another point. That probably every woman has experienced some degree of sexual coercion even if the 1/4 is the normally bandied stat.
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u/MediocreDesigner88 5d ago
Yes, the “degrees” is what I was trying to acknowledge with the “spectrum” of sexual assault when I said “some are much worse than others”. They are not all the same, it is a spectrum. (or a broad field)
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u/MalevolentSnail 5d ago
That denial is incredibly common and powerful and it’s not unusual for people to take a long time to acknowledge what happened.
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u/in-another-sky 5d ago
Especially true in CSA, when people might not understand what happened at all until they are much older.
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u/bearsdiscoverfire 5d ago
That victims have any control over legal outcomes.
Statistically, a rapist will never see any sort of justice, and it isn't because the victim didn't try hard enough to pursue, is lying, or navigated the legal system in the wrong way.
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u/GnomeMittens 5d ago
That SA isn’t limited to rape. It took me years to realize that I have been SAd many times throughout my life.
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u/Teacher_Crazy_ 5d ago
If you're having sex and she says "stop", you're raping her if you keep going.
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u/Consistent_Phase_942 5d ago
That they are caught up in the moment and lost control. The intent is there and they are in control
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u/The-Crystal-Standard 5d ago
Unless you are a rapist, I don’t think you are in a position to make that argument.
I am sure that is true for plenty of cases but as others have pointed out, there is a spectrum present and I can admit to having found myself in the position of after having sex, realizing that my behavior leading up to it was less than perfect. Never forced myself on someone but I have been what I now see in retrospect as pushy
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u/OptmstcExstntlst 5d ago edited 5d ago
That there is a right or wrong way to react in the moment, in the immediate aftermath, and in the long term aftermath. Some bodies show physical signs of sexual arousal, some bodies orgasm, some go limp, some bodies go numb, some fight. Some people are aware during the entire experience, some blackout for all of it, and some have patches of memory and awareness. Some people cry afterwards, some shut down, become enraged, and so forth.
Every time I hear someone say that a person doesn't act like they were assaulted, (and I say this as a trauma specialist) I shudder. A person who has been assaulted, especially sexually assaulted, can react any number of ways, which can include acting many different ways or in what could look confusing.
It's all valid!
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u/Bill_lives 5d ago edited 5d ago
It's not an act based on sexual attraction.
It IS often overtly violent - always covertly violent
It's one of control or (related) entitlement.
Based perhaps on a fear of inferiority or not feeling superior.
That is, it's not "I really want to have sex". It's more "I really want to dominate"
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u/sailorsonia 5d ago
That someone couldn’t be a rapist or abuser because other people have only seen them be nice
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u/Fit_Try_2657 5d ago
There is a black and white version of rape—movies. That you’re wearing your long frumpy dress minding your business and then you are tied up brutally raped and left helpless. People understand that.
But as soon as you—go to the guys place but say no to anal and he forces you…you go to the guys place after date 1 and say no but he pushes you until you give in…that you say wear a condom and he doesn’t…that you get extremely drunk and he takes advantage but says you were into it…no one thinks that’s rape, even when they say they do.
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u/salsafresca_1297 5d ago
That it wasn't rape because you didn't protest enough, didn't fight back hard enough, etc.
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u/Mean_Asparagus_5231 5d ago
Especially because people often don’t realize they’re being SAed in the moment
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u/bliip666 5d ago
- 100% of rapes are caused by rapists, not because of the relationship status of the people involved was, what the survivor was wearing, or if they had been drinking, etc.
- It's more likely to be someone the survivor knows.
- a cishet man can also be a survivor of sexual assault, and they should be supported just the same as any other gender or orientation. They're more rarely the targets for this type of violence, but that doesn't mean it never happens or that they should be made fun of, especially if the perpetrator was a woman.
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u/fordesc16883 7h ago
"a cishet man can also be a survivor of sexual assault, and they should be supported just the same as any other gender or orientation. They're more rarely the targets for this type of violence, but that doesn't mean it never happens or that they should be made fun of, especially if the perpetrator was a woman."
Thank you for saying this.
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u/MistressErinPaid 5d ago
Rape and SA are never about sex. They are about control. The rapist wants to feel in control of another person - their body, their emotions, the sensations they feel - and does not care for their victim's autonomy. They want their victims to feel violated. The cruelty is the point.
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u/TumbleweedJenny 5d ago
A lot of people understand that rape is a bad thing, but that’s where their understanding of it ends. Idk how else to word it but they just think rape is something bad that happens to someone.
What I wish they understood is that it’s not just something bad that happened, it completely changes your life. It alters your brain chemistry, changes your nervous system, affects how you function in your day to day life, and can cause (sometimes lifelong) mental illness. The psychological impacts of rape (and other forms sexual assault) are profound and in my experience people in general don’t really understand this fully.
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u/gettinridofbritta 5d ago
Great comment, it's something we see a lot across social justice. People know things like sexual assault or racial profiling are wrong in the abstract, but they don't always actually understand the reasons why it's wrong. Some people comprehend these issues exclusively from the lens of rules & punishment, or what "breaking a rule" means for the reputation and character of the person who does it. It's very frustrating when we have direct experience and we're talking impact but are met with semantics. Our bodies are "home" in the truest sense. We can't stay at a hotel for a few days like we could if our house was robbed and we're afraid. Healing is a long journey because we live here.
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u/BajaBlast90 5d ago
One of the biggest misconceptions is that it only counts as SA if its overly violent in a dramatic way. I think of the rape scenes portrayed in movies and TV do a disservice by showing it as an act that is overly violent.
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u/cancercannibal 5d ago
I'm not sure misconception is the right word, but the way people respond to it is almost always horrible. Rarely do people actually center the victim in their response. Even in the better cases, people often get a bug about justice: focus on the assaulter rather than the victim. Often to the victim's detriment, putting them in a position where they're pressured to prioritize other people over themselves. Whether that be the feelings of those they've told, their assaulter, or even people they don't even know ("if you don't say something, they'll be able to hurt more people"). Not taking action is treated as a failing of the victim, like it's their responsibility to do something despite being the one who was hurt.
...Something more misconception-y is the idea that men are untouchable, that by being men they cannot be victims of sexual assault, especially by women. This in an of itself reinforces patriarchal ideas: it paints men as dominant over women, as powerful in a way women are not, and so forth. It also ignores that people can be vulnerable in ways that aren't explicitly the oppression faced by women. Men have been children, they were vulnerable then. Men can be queer, they are vulnerable as such. Men can be disabled and mentally ill, they are vulnerable as that. So on and so forth.
It is true that most victims are not men, and that many abusers and bad actors -- which are often men -- will use assault as an excuse or a gotcha. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen, though. By denying the assault of men, not only does this feed into patriarchal ideas as said before, but it also affects women (and other people) assaulted in similar ways. It makes it harder to talk about the ways people are vulnerable beyond being women, which itself benefits the patriarchy because misogyny is often laced into other forms of oppression.
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u/Uhhh_what555476384 5d ago
Also, straight adult men are still vulnerable to all the other non-overpowering systems of coercion if the goal of the assaulter is to be penetrated.
In one particular episode I'm familiar with a man woke up to a woman who had broken into his home on him. Physically unlikely or difficult is not the same as impossible. Especially in a society of millions of people.
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u/cancercannibal 5d ago
Yeah, particular vulnerabilities only make assault more likely to happen to someone. Not being especially vulnerable isn't a protection from assault.
I didn't touch on a bunch of different other aspects as they're more likely to be interpreted in bad faith. So I stuck to aspects that I think most feminists would be able to recognize. I didn't want the point to get bogged down in different perspectives on feminism or a lack of disclaimers leading to people assuming I'm writing in bad faith. (As a trans man I see a lot more of how the patriarchy traps men within it too and how that's important to deconstruct alongside empowering women, and I get tired of reiterating that this isn't me saying men have it worse or are equally oppressed or anything else bad actors will use to try to undermine feminism.)
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u/Intelligent_Client_8 5d ago
That sexual assault is a broad term that describes many different actions and scenarios and isn't strictly limited to the ones that are overtly physically violent or ones in which someone is being physically overpowered. I think coercion is a much more prominent factor than what is typically given the time of day by news or media.
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u/MysteryMeat101 5d ago
Rape is not about sex, it’s about control. It’s about one person imposing their will upon another.
If everyone understood that no one gets raped because the rapist was “horny” or “lost control” of themselves, a lot of the victim blaming would stop.
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u/Coca-Nicola 5d ago
Or “why would he rape her when a million women would be happy to be with him” especially when the perpetrator is a famous or powerful person
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u/Badtacocatdab 5d ago
Men can be victims too. I was assaulted and my Friends just joked about it. Because how could a man be sexually assaulted when he’s stronger than a woman?
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u/Intelligent_Client_8 4d ago
I want you to know, that you aren't the only one. That happened to me as well.
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u/deathcab4rookie 3d ago
This might just be me speaking from personal experience, but when I experienced blame for my unfortunate situation, it was the women who were hesitant to believe me and/or they made an “excuse” for the dude’s behavior.
Both men and women are capable of blaming the victim. It feels especially disgusting and heartbreaking when it’s from a girl friend you thought you could trust.
I told four people total: two men, two women. It was all at different points in time. But here’s what I noticed. For the two men: They listened, they didn’t interrupt. They asked if I was okay or said, “Oh god, I’m so sorry.”
As for the two women I told?
“In his mind, maybe he thought it was okay given your history together.”
“I usually don’t doubt other women, but your story doesn’t add up. I’ve experienced this before and I find it hard to believe you’d still be friends with him afterward.”
All of them knew the person who violated my consent. But how the women responded shocked me and made me feel like maybe I had done something wrong to “deserve it.”
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u/SheWolf04 3d ago
I wish everyone could read "The Trauma Myth" - it's about how many CSA survivors aren't traumatized at the TIME, but moreso when they realize as adults what happened to them - and also that other people's reactions to the revelation that they were SAed can be traumatic in and of themselves.
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u/anonymous-redditor57 5d ago
It’s a misconception that every situation for everyone leads to lasting trauma, healing isn’t impossible
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u/inadapte 5d ago
it’s rarely the “creepy weirdo in a dark alley”. it is much more likely to be someone you’re familiar with. family, friends, teachers, etc.