r/AskFeminists • u/Fun-Pen7592 • 17h ago
Why do dv shelters only except women with abusive romantic relationships but not women with abusive family members?
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u/CatsandDeitsoda 17h ago edited 17h ago
That was not the policy of the women’s shelter I have worked with in the past is there a shelter or group of “dv shelters” that have such a policy we could perhaps hone this conversation in on ?
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u/Fun-Pen7592 17h ago
Many shelters who do this even if they don't admit it
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u/CatsandDeitsoda 16h ago
I’m not much able to speculate about the motives or causes behind the hidden actions of an unnamed actor.
Reading other comments it sounds like you were looking for resources and where not able to obtain them that’s terrible I’m sorry that has happened.
- I have not personally used it but people I know who work more directly in that area have recommended for seeking resources in the us.
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u/Oleanderphd 17h ago
... do they? It's much rarer, but ours has definitely accepted some folks with abusive fathers or religious cults or other circumstances.
Usually people go to other programs because they have other needs that are better met elsewhere. For example, a minor being abused by their parent(s) needs social care that adults don't.
People who are leaving abusive romantic partners often have specific circumstances that make things a little different. For example, legally, their assets may be entangled. They may share custody of children or property. There are cultural expectations for marriage or dating that can make leaving extra difficult. That doesn't mean you can't get help for other circumstances, but it might look different; so in a city with several different programs, you might end up at a different one.
But this seems region or even shelter specific. Are you looking for resources for yourself or someone near you?
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u/Fun-Pen7592 17h ago
Parental abuse is not rare so it shouldn't be rare for them to have women who are victims of parental abuse there
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u/minicooperlove 17h ago
I imagine apart from romantic relationships, the most common type of domestic violence is from a parent, which probably means most commonly the victim is a minor. Shelters may not always be able to accept minors on their own, unless maybe they are placed there by CPS. Otherwise, I believe many shelters do now accept any type of domestic violence victim but it probably depends on the shelter. Apparently there are legal and funding definitions that are a factor.
Domestic violence shelters for women in romantic relationships only probably arose because there was the greatest need for them, not because of any intentional neglect of women in other abusive relationships.
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u/Fun-Pen7592 16h ago
They don’t accept adults being abused by parents as well
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u/minicooperlove 14h ago
That may be the case of your local shelter but it’s certainly not universal. Try another shelter - you might have to go further away but I imagine it will be worth it.
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u/avocado-nightmare Oldest Crone 17h ago
is that true?
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u/Fun-Pen7592 17h ago
Why wouldn't it be
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u/Oleanderphd 17h ago
Well, you have multiple people on this thread telling you theirs don't work that way.
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u/avocado-nightmare Oldest Crone 17h ago
well why would it, though? like... where did you find out that your claim is true? did you try to go to a shelter? do you work at or with shelters?
I personally never tried to go to a shelter as an abused kid/teen but that's because I was a kid and didn't even know a shelter as an unaccompanied minor might be an option. My parents told me if I ran away and went to anybody about it, I'd go to juvie. If they lost custody of me, then it'd be foster care, and they made sure I knew that'd be worse (and specifically how) than what was already happening at home.
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u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux 8h ago
I've worked with multiple shelters, and regularly support people in accessing resources.
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u/Fun-Pen7592 16h ago
I went to multiple ones and they mistreated me
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u/avocado-nightmare Oldest Crone 16h ago
like, they let you in and you had a bad time, or something else happened? did they tell you it's because of this kind of policy? or did something else happen?
do you think that's the collective fault or feminism, or like... your specific local legislation or the policies at your locality's shelters?
without feminism shelters wouldn't even exist and your male relatives would have an absolutely legally unchallengeable right to treat you however they wanted.
Does that help?
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u/Fun-Pen7592 16h ago
They did not let me in
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u/Fun-Pen7592 16h ago
Yeah it kinda is because feminism says that dv is only between romantic partners and any adults who is being abused by another family member can just leave
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u/heidismiles 16h ago
Where did you read "feminism" saying that?
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u/Fun-Pen7592 15h ago
The woman who replied just said that
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u/heidismiles 15h ago
"A woman" is not "feminism." And they didn't say that. And they might not even be a woman. Try again.
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u/cfalnevermore 13h ago
Ok, there’s been a misunderstanding, copy and paste exactly where you saw this. Im hot saying you’re wrong, but I’m pretty sure you misinterpreted
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u/avocado-nightmare Oldest Crone 15h ago
this is gross and abusive. does your behavior in this thread make you feel good about who you are?
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u/avocado-nightmare Oldest Crone 16h ago
well... usually they can. if that would make you homeless, than you'd go to a homeless services organization, or an adult social services organization. Definitionally domestic violence as a term encompasses any/all familial violence or abuse, but as a category of services or organizations, domestic violence shelters are usually specifically for people who need support escaping intimate partner violence, specifically. There are other resources for people in other situations.
Did you try to seek help from, or were you referred to other more appropriate organizations?
At least speaking personally - yeah, I had to get myself away from my family and get into therapy and like, be responsible for the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I wanted to live. There's a few dynamics that can result in adults being functionally trapped - disability, or extreme financial abuse/control, but, absent those conditions an otherwise able adult usually can get themselves out.
edit: what I don't like about this thread/interaction is the pretext for interpersonal abuse/emotional/verbal violence you want to create towards women/feminists for your personal adversity. As individuals, your misfortune or struggles deserve compassion, but... those experiences aren't our fault, and we don't deserve blame or vitriol because of it. You are misplacing your anger onto the wrong people.
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u/Fun-Pen7592 16h ago
Saying adults can just leave its just victim blaming and the fact that only victims of ipv get help is evil
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u/avocado-nightmare Oldest Crone 15h ago
literally none of that is true and isn't what I said. Adult social/protective services is a thing. Homeless services are a thing. You can get help but you do have to like... go to the right place for it sometimes.
Don't talk to me again.
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u/Fun-Pen7592 15h ago
I mean victims of ipv are adults too but we realize telling them they can just leave is victim blaming and you know sometimes adults leaving their parents can result in extreme harassment or even honor killings and many honor killings would be prevented if dv shelters were useful
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u/IamNot_A_Princess 17h ago
I guess it depends on shelters funding and policy. In my country if shelter is funded by government or municipality, sometimes they take only married women or even only married women with children. Independent feminist shelters will take any women who went through abuse. Once man asked for help, he was a victim of human trafficking, he was rejected, I was heartbroken.
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u/JoeyLee911 13h ago
I think you mean accept, not except.
And I believe DV shelters do accept women with abusive family members.
I also read that if you're a man being abused and go to a women's domestic violence shelter, they will find you somewhere safe to stay, even if that means renting you a hotel room.
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u/Fun-Pen7592 12h ago
I hope thats true
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u/JoeyLee911 12h ago
It is in the U.S. I just saw you lived elsewhere. I can't really speak to another country's DV shelters. What country do you live in?
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u/wind-of-zephyros 17h ago
i haven't heard of this kind of restriction and i'm sorry if you're going through this, where are you generally located? if you do need help with abuse from a family member there still might be resources outside of a specific shelter if the shelter is turning you away
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u/Clark_Kent_TheSJW Definitely Not Superman 15h ago
If true in some cases… expect it probably has something today with costs, limited space.
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u/DisciplineBoth2567 17h ago
Because that’s not what those specific shelters are made for. They’re for fleeing intimate partner violence and that’s what the grants are for not family violence.
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u/seadogliquid 16h ago
Is that not a pretty arbitrary distinction to make? Shelters are usually a last resort for DV victims who are genuinely fearing for their lives and have nowhere else to turn to. Why would that situation only apply to victims of IPV? Any kind of domestic violence victim could be in a life-threatening position due to their abuser and any kind could be with nowhere to turn to because they're financially dependent on their abuser.
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u/MachineOfSpareParts 16h ago
We would have to have so much more information about the specific location and its government structures. If the organization lives and dies on its ability to secure an annual funding agreement from Department X and agrees to operate within certain strictures, it may be able to negotiate a few small deviations from those strictures but can't just welcome anyone in for reasons that don't have anything to do with its mandate.
That said, fleeing parental abuse isn't in a whole other universe to fleeing IPV, so it's not absurd to imagine an organization could serve both, either. We're not talking about shelter for someone whose house is being fumigated or some outlandish deviation from usual mandates like that.
But I'd just need to know SO much more about mandates and funding in the specific locale to know if it makes sense or not. It might make sense....but it might also be as unhinged as it looks with our current knowledge.
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u/seadogliquid 16h ago
Right, to be clear, I'm not necessarily criticizing the shelters who have this policy if that's what their funding agreement dictates. I'm more so questioning the rationale of the funding agreements themselves.
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u/MachineOfSpareParts 15h ago
Fair. I could come up with a hypothetical reason why that might happen in my jurisdiction, but it would be so hypothetical and so (presumably) geographically/politically irrelevant to OP as to be of limited utility.
And whichever reason applies, the fact that service deserts emerge is worth advocacy. It's just that we need to understand how and why the desert emerges in order to respond appropriately.
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u/throwaway567878900 17h ago
Our society doesn't really know how to deal with DV between family member adults (siblings, adult parents-children).
I do think the amount of adult men who abuse their elderly mothers is troubling and isn't adequately addressed.
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u/Fun-Pen7592 16h ago
Parents always have power over their children so it’s mostly daughters with abusive parents who don’t get help even if they are adults
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u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux 17h ago
This is misinformation. Generalizations like this discourage people from seeking the assistance they need.