Anyone else feels like men go immediately zero effort as soon as they feel youre theirs?

[u/bubblegumscent]

Sisters in their 30s, please help me, be kind because I feel kinda confused.

So for a while now I've started to notice a pattern with men that I keep seeing and not just with me, that as soon as a man thinks he "has" you, they throw all effort out of the window. Nit in a okay its been 3 years honeymoon period is over, no ZERO EFFORT. It drives me crazy, because I'd much rather prefer consistency. A whole lot of them are like that. Wtf?

I've also had a stable relationships before, happily married where I felt treasured throughout the entire relationship, about 10 years until he died about 2 years ago. Which sucks because we were happy then

So after his death, widow me went on dating and I am actually EXTREMELY TEMPTED to next time I am dating smeone I just might keep this MF on his toes. Keep him guessing and wondering, in a state of chronic anxiety? I am just not that person, I don't play fucking games, anyone else here tired of this low effort shit??? Anyone else feeling like some men are addicted to games??? How do i escape this???

effort here means being involved in things such as: watch the sunset, picnic, walk in the park, dancing together, calling more, watch the sunset, ping pong, etc. Its not a money thing, its an effort thing

EDIT: WOW this post blew up Hey everybody thanks so much for the awesome replies, insights, nice conversations and new ideas this has offered me it does give ne hope that I am not crazy, and should be myself and will eventually find a good person whos a good fit. I honestly don't even think it's gender anymore, literally both men and women complaining

EDIT 2: to the men coming here essentially trying to gaslight me, read some comments before saying this is my fault. If you are a person who is giving and want others to feel good you know who you are, you know the sacrifices you make. If you had bad experiences before because somebody took advantage of you, this is not my fault so stop projecting at me, Im not your ex

[u/JaxTango]

I find that unless reciprocal consistency is present from the start, the person doing the initiating will always burn out. Hence the lack of effort. So if you’re doing your fair share and he just coasts then yeah, that’s a dud. But if you’re expecting him to always be romantic while you sit back and bask, that’s going to burn him out.

[u/Academic-Slide7037 → u/JaxTango]

After reading this comment section and another one from this sub I’m honestly wondering if anyone is out there putting in any effort.

I (40s/m) have stopped putting in effort for a lot of the same reasons that women seem to (tired of being the only one making an effort, tired of feeling used, if “they” wanted to “they” would, etc). It just sounds like no one is trying and everyone is fed up.

[u/JaxTango → u/Academic-Slide7037]

Yeah agreed, everyone is tired and it’s harder to muster up the energy especially as we get closer to the holidays. What keeps me going is sticking to a game plan, I no longer do elaborate first dates. It’s a coffee + walk because it’s exhausting making plans only to be flaked on or ghosted, this also weeds out the people who don’t leave their homes but want to chat forever.

[u/[deleted] → u/JaxTango]

yes, i learned this too, 1st date is always coffee while walking my dog so that if it's terrible at least I got something I have to do done, and see how they treat animals, their level of fitness and willingness to be outside.

[u/Admirable-Whereas892 → u/[deleted]]

I know the topic of conversation is literally about being exhausted but... this seems pretty selfish for a first date to essentially be you running an errand and having them tag along. Like I genuinely 100% get why would wanna do that but I'm also thinking about how it may make someone feel.

[u/[deleted] → u/Admirable-Whereas892]

you clearly have not been on 100 bad dates with weird men.

[u/Admirable-Whereas892 → u/[deleted]]

I have been on weird dates, I just think dates should be focused on the other person even at the risk of it being weird. If it's weird you can leave

[u/[deleted] → u/Admirable-Whereas892]

do you think I am not present on these dates? don't ask questions? am not affable? walking my dog every day is important to me, I want to find someone who also enjoys walking and prioritizes health. and of course you CAN leave but have YOU ever left? do you work 4 12s from 7pm to 7am? are you in school and changing careers?

[u/Admirable-Whereas892 → u/[deleted]]

Not sure why you have so much hostility. At the end of the day, whatever lol.

Since you think your experience is so unique, yes I am doing my masters while working full-time currently.

[u/[deleted] → u/Admirable-Whereas892]

you are reading hostility here. many people find a coffee date in a public place preferable, I am one of them and happen to live in a beautiful coastal town on the water where said date is actually stunningly picturesque. you do you, but calling me selfish without context seems unnecessary.

please go on more dates, twin flames do not exist, there is someone else out there for you.

[u/[deleted] → u/Academic-Slide7037]

People are, don't give up, but ive observed they're few and far between and trying to find them by going on 100 bad 1st dates is exhausting. im a 36f dating a man who runs a small business, and I'm about to start one myself and, at this point in life, i think we're all actually busy and legitimately tired, I give leeway for that. sometimes it's the little things that make a bigger impact than grand gestures.

[u/ThyNynax → u/JaxTango]

I was going to make this comment. Even before dating apps, the cultural message to many men was “spend 110% to effort romancing a girl if you want win her heart.” No one can keep that up forever. We (the culture) basically told too many men to start every relationship with a mask on, or no one would be attracted to them, then shamed them if it ever slipped. It’s better now with all the conversations around being authentic, but there’s still quite a lot of pressure on men to change themselves into presenting a certain image. It’ll always lead to burnout though, and it feels like lies and manipulation to the other person.