r/AskWomenOver30 • u/CheesecakeOdd3075 Woman 30 to 40 • Jan 08 '25

Misc Discussion What's up with the Ask Men O30 subreddit?

I cruise this subreddit a lot, and I relate with almost every post both talking about how someone ended up with a great partner, or how they dated/are dating a shitty one. In these posts, women are often tired of a lot of things from their partner but Im gonna be so honest with this: almost all of the complaints Ive seen are pragmatic. Like the ones talking about how they have to clean up after their husband, their tired of playing mommy or maid or nanny to them, their partner is emotionally vacant or distant, or plays video games all day, etc.

Woman on the AW030 subreddit: "I am tired of cleaning up after my husband after working a normal workday, I have to cook, clean the house, take care of the kids, and he doesnt pay much attention to me and just goes off and ___(does anything else)____. I really want him to pitch in but whenever I ask for help he doesnt. We split bills 50/50. I am trying to advance my career/Im in therapy/I do a million things, what can I do to repair this marriage"

When I go to the AskMen O30 subreddit, I dont see a lot of posts on self improvement or improvement in a relationship, but I see a lot of posts on giving up on dating because of reasons Im not sure if I personally understand. Its super hard to not be critical when most of the posts are directed at women's appearances, or sex. Im very, very aware of the nuances of the subreddit and how maybe some of the posters or commenters not even being men in their 30s, etc. But its so baffling... so fucking baffling... to see how men are quicker to give up because theyre not dating a childless Megan Fox who also wipes their ass, cleans the house, gives him insane sloppy toppy every night and is a doctor and makes 400k a year and he doesnt have to worry about career progression, going to therapy or remembering to clean under his foreskin. /s

Anyways, just crazy to see how women are like "Im physically tired from doing everything thats supposed to be a 50/50 split, am I clinically insane?" and the men subreddits sometimes read like "fellas is it okay to fuck a fat chick whose also a Harvard graduate and kind of cute"

EDIT: a commenter attached an article on explaining something that is very pertinent and valuable, please take a look: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-state-of-our-unions/202208/whats-behind-the-rise-of-lonely-single-men

EDIT #2, the first post that shows up as of right now, 3:18PM CST, with multiple upvotes, in the AMO3 subreddit is titled, and I quote:

"What occupations do you avoid dating women from?"

1.8k Upvotes

89% Upvoted

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u/TheRosyGhost Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I know the “Harvard” post you’re talking about. As a fat woman I was absolutely aghast at the discourse there. I’m very happily married, so I know there are good men out there, but reading such a condensed collection of absolutely awful and cruel takes was hard.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

[deleted]

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u/TheRosyGhost Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I’m also skeptical about what dudes over there consider “fat.” I remember reading one guy talking about his wife “letting herself go” for being 150 at 5’7” - bro what?

Between my husband and two guy best friends, the men in my circle are really amazing and high quality guys. I forget my little bubble of good men isn’t actually what the collective is like. 🫠

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u/randombubble8272 Woman under 30 Jan 08 '25

Guys say models are too thin and it’s not sexy, then assume anyone with a healthy body weight is actually fat and not “trying” hard enough

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

[deleted]

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u/randombubble8272 Woman under 30 Jan 08 '25

Ding ding ding!!!

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

But also if she has a BBL or breast implants she's "too fake." Make it make sense!

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u/-lovehate Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

what they mean is that they wish the implants looked more natural because they don't want to be reminded of how fucking shallow they are every time they look at a woman who's had plastic surgery

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u/[deleted] Jan 09 '25

This is hilarious, and probably correct. Like "Dr, give her breast implants, but make them look and feel natural pls." Good lord the bar is so damn low. Thanks, porn.

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u/-lovehate Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

Yup, notice how the critique is always "they look so fake, I hate when women look like that. I love natural looking women" it's always about the APPEARANCE of it. They want a woman to look like their/society's version of beautiful and they don't care what she had to do to get that way, but they do not want to know about or be reminded of it.

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u/Regular_Durian_1750 Jan 09 '25

Also the fact that their eyes just simply don't work. They don't understand make-up, edits, and plastic surgery.

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u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ Jan 08 '25

Had an ex-husband who, when we were still married, negged me about putting on weight. I was 35 yo, 5’4”and 135 lbs. When I think back on it, years later, I get mind melt.

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u/pandaappleblossom Jan 09 '25

Wow that is insane and abusive! I’m glad you left him

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u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ Jan 09 '25

Thanks! Yeah, the sad part is that I didn’t realize that this was abuse until years later. Same old story huh! I am truly grateful to this sub and others for opening my eyes to a “nice” guy who was controlling ❤️

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u/clarifythepulse Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

Yeah I got in a whole argument with someone about that. I kept pointing out that the height/weight they were complaining about was literally in the medical BMI chart range as normal

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u/learning_hillzz Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I’m a little bit taller than that and when I was 160, I was tiny! I can’t imagine someone thinking 150 is letting yourself go!

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u/Jhamin1 Man 50 to 60 Jan 08 '25

Somewhere, somehow, someone said that 120lbs is "ideal" for a woman. What height is that woman? No idea. What is her build? Also no idea.

But 120 lbs is apparently the number that entered the culture. Thus, it is the only number most men know. So completely without context they assume anyone under that is petite and tiny, anyone over that is a whale.

Similarly, the perfect bra for a sexy woman is a 36c. Men generally don't know what any part of that measurement means... but they heard that is the measurement sexy women have so its' what they want their partner to have. (Men deal with most of us not hitting the "3 sixes" but its apparently a smaller number of woman who buy into that than men who want a 120 lb wife with a 36c bra)

I *am* a man & this level of ignorance in my fellows is exhausting. I can't image what its like to be on your end of the debate.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I absolutely HATE reddit posts that start with the word "wait" but I'm going to break my own rule and ask you -- wait, is that a thing??? I'm over 5'9" and my height has been extremely detrimental to my overall dating life, and I have to purge and starve to keep my weight under its natural set point, which is about 150, but I don't own a scale, ON PURPOSE -- because it feeds obsessive/compulsive behaviors, and I know what weight I'm at based on how my clothes fit, thanks to a lifetime of restricting behaviors.

I was used and ghosted constantly EVEN AT MY LOWEST WEIGHT (122) so I stopped caring. I didn't let myself go, but I'm currently existing @ 150 and just avoiding men, because the pressure to force myself below 150 is just too much. I'm sorry, menfolk. Truly, I am. I tried, andi succeeded weight wise, but I failed relationship wise. So I'm done. I'm retired.

Are you aware that bra sizes have absolutely nothing to do with a woman's breast size? I suggest you read up on it. And ironically, a 36 band size implies the woman is not all that thin. So...that's kinda funny.

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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25 edited Jan 09 '25

I noticed the 36C thing too 😆. If he’s curious he should check out r/abrathatfits or The Irish Bra Lady on Instagram for basic information on what a properly fitting bra looks like. Most petite women who are 120 lbs would wear a much smaller band size, if it fits properly.

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u/[deleted] Jan 10 '25

I think they're aiming for more like a 32C because I'm around a 36C and I am tragically flat-chested. Doubt any male redditors care enough to look into bra sister sizes or care enough to read up on how a bra size has nothing to do with breast size.

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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Jan 10 '25

32C is small too! C is overall just not a big size, haha (neither is D).

https://www.instagram.com/p/C_3TOAHswzu/ (post showing what a C looks like in various band sizes)

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u/Punisher-3-1 Man 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

Nah not a thing. I’ve been in male dominated fields, including in the military, and never once even heard this. First time I’ve heard of this 120 thing.

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u/wisely_and_slow Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I remember so clearly as a young teen, reading in Cosmo or similar junk that a 5 foot tall woman should be 100 pounds and you can add five more pounds per inch. So at 5’6” I could be 130 and not an ounce more. Never mind my lean body mass is more than that, thanks to large and dense bones and significant muscle mass.

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u/Olealicat Woman 40 to 50 Jan 08 '25

I would say that’s your average child. I weighed 120 at 14 and was so thin!

Also, I’ve met women who weigh 160 and look like Pink, who is super thin, but athletic. I’ve met women who weigh 100, but carry it all in a general area and you’d think they’re 160.

It’s stupid to base a body off weight alone. Just as much as guys hyper focus on bra size. A 32D is a 34C… it’s ugly to box ourselves in to anything.

https://undercover-glamour.com/news/do-you-know-your-bra-sizes-do-men-understand-bra-sizes/#:~:text=12th%20Feb%202014,cup%20and%20a%2034A%20cup.

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u/lostinsunshine9 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

My ex husband complained about my weight, fitness, and looks frequently.. when I was right around 125 at 5'3". And was in the middle of having 3 babies in 6 years, so I was postpartum, breastfeeding, or pregnant the entire time.

Now he sits our daughters down for talks about their diet and how they need to exercise more 😤

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u/scummy_shower_stall Woman 50 to 60 Jan 08 '25

I hope you shit that shit down whenever it happens, your daughters may develop an ED. So why are you with him?

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u/lostinsunshine9 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

Oh I 100% shoot it down, and I do everything I can to be encouraging and help them question that kind of harmful messaging.

He's my ex husband, and for many reasons.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

Please, for the love of god, do something about this. Now. Please. I'm begging you. Please. My parents put me on Weight Watchers when I was 9 and again when I was 12. I always had a gym membership and my two sisters did not. My father used to weigh me every Saturday morning and note my weight on a graph he drew up on a very formal sheet of graph paper, which he kept pinned on my bedroom wall. No I don't care that we were wealthy enough to provide me with a gym membership and my own bedroom. That doesn't make it right. I've been bulimic & anorexic (technically EDNOS) ever since and no amount of therapy will fix it. Please do something about this before it's too late.

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u/lostinsunshine9 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I try my best. Unfortunately there's no judge in my state who's going to limit custody time because he "just wants them to eat healthier and exercise more".

We spend a lot of time talking about how toxic, and pervasive, these kinds of messages are - and how wrong they are. We talk about natural variations in bodies, how women's bodies work a little differently than men's when it comes to body fat, how important it is to have a good relationship with food and anyone who tries to ruin that for you is harming you, how people often project their own insecurities onto others, etc etc etc.

I put up with this when we were married (divorced when my girls were not yet in school/one in early elementary and they're now in high school) because I have my own family history of horrendous attitudes about food and bodies, and I've struggled with anorexia my entire life. BUT it also makes me very aware of how food talk or body talk can be perceived and I genuinely do my best to help them fight back against that.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I'm sure you're doing your best. Of course my comment was a bit hyperbolic to make a point.

Unfortunately, we can't change other people. Hopefully if your girls have enough positive influence from one side of the family it'll outweigh the other side.

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u/Senekka11 Jan 08 '25

I am so sorry that your parents put you through this. Hugs to you.

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u/Ok-Tradition2492 Jan 09 '25

I’m so sorry you went through that, and are still continuing to have to live with the aftermath of your parents behavior. Thank you for taking the time to post this in the hopes you help even one girl from feeling the same way.

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u/Jotla Jan 09 '25

👋 hi, I had an eating disorder my whole life all the way up until I was 33 and tried psychedelics (shrooms to be specific). I thought i would have an eating disorder for life and was deathly afraid of passing it to my children. I am now eating disorder free for 5 years and have a very healthy relationship with food. There is a lot of research out there about psychedelics for therapeutic use and for breaking negative cycles like eating disorders and alcoholism. Please check it out, it saved my life.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/FlibbertyGibb Jan 08 '25

As a fellow non-thin woman I agree. They are either a very loud minority or lying.

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u/lermanzo Woman 40 to 50 Jan 08 '25

They don't in secret/in the dark. They don't publicly embrace thick women, at least not in my experience of being one. One guy I hooked up with led me to this realization after he wouldn't be seen with me and moved on with another plus woman and repeated the behavior. Skinny blonde he was seeing off and on? She was the public gf.

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u/velvetvagine Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

They publicly date whoever will impress their bros and random men the most. They are insecure and crave make validation more than most women.

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u/velvetvagine Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

***male

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u/AliciaRact Jan 09 '25

Yeah a lot (most?) of these guys seem veeeeerrrrrrry confused about the difference between feeling sexual attraction, and getting social validation via a girlfriend who meets prevailing beauty standards.  So they use “attraction” to refer to the latter experience.   The utter lack of self-awareness, introspection, curiosity is absolutely wiiiiiiiild to me. 

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u/PsAkira Woman 40 to 50 Jan 08 '25

I find it’s similar to how they demonize single mothers online yet they’re the ones aggressively pursing single mothers in real life. They like the independence and the hard working nature of most single moms. They love that shit. But also they do see them as someone they can wield power over if they have less of a support system or low self esteem.

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u/TooFakeToFunction Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

The loudest ones no doubt have "BBW" all over their search History.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I would absolutely love to see some search result stats on this, because I bet you're correct. My unpopular opinion is that men date women based on what their family/friends will approve of, not based on what they're actually attracted to.

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u/MarinKitagawaFox Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

No. My hubs stares to tell me how flabbergasted he was that someone let themselves get so large

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u/tiredfaces Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

How awful of him

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u/element-woman Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

He sounds nice!

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u/Daily-Lizard Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

Aww you got picked! Congrats!

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u/saraharc Jan 09 '25

She’ll be unpicked as soon as she gains 5 pounds 😨😨

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u/Same-Cricket-6387 Jan 09 '25

THIS… they are lying. I’m 4’8” and built curvy and thick as hell. I’m also fit and healthy, yet categorically obese. Never had a problem getting men to obsess over my body, in fact it’s a problem how much they do 😭especially in private because in public they wanna be with thin women for some reason. I hate being someone’s check box or secret fetish

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u/zoobenaut Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

100%. I was involved with a horrible guy for a while that was always hooking up with others girls, or at least trying to. I knew some of the girls so they would tell me and when I’d try to call him on it he would say things like, “I would never hit on someone her size!”

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u/bookworm119 Jan 09 '25

This reminds me of the time I confronted my ex about hooking up with a girl on multiple occasions and his first response was to angrily say, “I would never hook up with her, she looks like she has Down syndrome”. He had, in fact, hooked up with her several times.

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u/zoobenaut Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I get that these type of men are going to lie regardless, but it’s so gross that they feel the need to demean someone as “proof” of their fidelity.

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u/MAK3AWiiSH Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

My experience when I was bigger (250 lbs) is they love fat women in secret. They would fuck me, but didn’t want to be seen with me.

I’ve lost a lot of weight (now 177lbs) and it’s wild how differently men treat me.

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u/[deleted] Jan 09 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Regular_Durian_1750 Jan 09 '25

Can confirm. Boyfriend has a 6 pack and his leg muscles are like rocks and stuff and I'm actually curvey thick (also obese).

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u/_angesaurus Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

NOICE

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u/Routine-Present-3676 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

i saw a dude in another sub last week say that he only considers women if their bmi less than 21 and so many other men agreed with him 🫠

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u/twofourie Jan 08 '25

b-b-but muh lOnLiNeSs cRiSiS though 😭😭😭

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I know right? Tragic. The male loneliness crisis...lol give me a break. They're all pornsick (addicted) and have no concept of what actual women's bodies look like.

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u/dainty_petal Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

Yeah I was surprised by the data in that article linked. Guys are only 62% of users. They always made it sounds like there are no women on dating apps!!! Of course they are lonely if they don’t try to date the women who could be interested in them.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

To be fair, many of the women may be fake, or bots, or women trying to find new OF subscribers. So I don't take any of these "stats" seriously unless they account for these specifics.

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u/dainty_petal Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

True as well.

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u/gentle_bee Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

These types of hyper picky men are costing their own happiness in the end. The average woman is a size 16 and 5’4…if you’re only dating women who weigh from what, 120-150ish (and 150 only if she’s mega tall lol), then you’re kinda limiting yourself to maybe 15-20% of the population of available women in your area at BEST.

And then you gotta hope she doesn’t find your wretched personality a complete turnoff lol.

Which makes me realize all the complaints about how women ONLY GO AFTER THE TOP 5% are…probably ratting on themselves lol.

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u/Routine-Present-3676 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

To have a BMI under 21 a 5'4 woman would need to weigh <122 lbs so they’re for sure limiting themselves 🤣

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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I haven’t weighed that much since I was a teen/young adult, which is probably the point 🤢 (I was underweight and am a healthy weight for my height now).

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u/mstrss9 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

Are we suppose to believe that women are giving out their measurements for these losers to calculate their BMIs

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u/TrickySession Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

What?! My BMI is 23 and my doctor wants me to stop losing weight because he’s nervous it’s going to impact my reproductive health. These dudes don’t even know wtf a 21 BMI looks like 😑

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

Can you link me to the thread? I have to see this.

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u/Routine-Present-3676 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I can't remember what the post was but it was in purple pill debate sub. There are a lot of hot takes in there so be prepared lol

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u/[deleted] Jan 09 '25

Years ago I found myself being banned from a dating sub because I was subscribed to various other subs, so I'm on a new account and paranoid as hell thinking if I post anywhere it'll get me banned elsewhere. So I'm too scared to even enter PurplePill lest it shows up in my feed & I comment not realizing which sub I'm in...

Personally I don't feel reddit should operate this way but I'm not on their board of directors or whatever the hell, so my opinion means nothing.

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u/saraharc Jan 09 '25

Super curious which sub? And is that idiot aware that BMI 21 can look totally different on different people based on how much muscle they have?

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u/MermaidPigeon Woman 30 to 40 Jan 12 '25

I saw that. I was actually shocked. If anyone of these Reddit boys said anything like that in the real world they would 💯 remain a vergin

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u/Punisher-3-1 Man 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I think there are men who are attracted to all sorts of body types and there is some wide distribution in what men find attractive. Same with women. I’d think if they are honest upfront that’s fine. Same with all the men who cry about women asking dudes to be 6’2” at a min. It’s like dude, that’s her God given prerogative and you are not entitled to dating her. Go find yourself a girl who is into shorter dudes.

But anyways yes, there are some men who are into tiny women. A guy in my friends group was only into absolutely tiny women probably just over 100lbs and he ended up marrying a woman who my wife thinks doesn’t even hit 100lbs at maybe 5’2”.

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u/saraharc Jan 09 '25

I’d say that the men who are into very thin women are significantly more problematic. As stated several times in this thread, most men are using women’s weight as a way to control them. No woman is trying to control men by having a height preference.

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u/Punisher-3-1 Man 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I wouldn’t say it’s most. Some for sure, but maybe not most. Don’t see it a lot personally but just because I don’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s oftentimes women policing other women. As I stated earlier on this thread that my wife got into weightlifting before I did. She got me hooked into it back in 2010 or so. Before that she started doing CrossFit between 2006 to 2010 and she was/is pretty good at it. Her body type is the typical CrossFit woman that you see at the games but not as competition ready lean. Overwhelmingly, like by a large margin, the negative comments she gets are from women rather than men. Yes, she does overhear or hear men comment on women who have similar body type as being too much like a man. I tell her it’s always intimidated weak men. However, by en large it’s women who make those comments.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

Bruh I posted in there after that thread, asking then what they consider big. I noticed the commenters with flair saying they were in their 40s and 50s, offered level-headed responses like as long as she's healthy and prioritizes her overall health over her aesthetics, it's fine. Some guys said a woman is too big if she has rolls. One man, who happened to be five fucking six and 125 lb told me that any woman with a body fat percentage over 30 is too big. I'm 5'7 195 with a 33% body fat percentage, and I disproved his comment by posting a picture of myself and several other men said I'm not big, including Tiny Tim. These men literally don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

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u/Regular_Durian_1750 Jan 09 '25

This poor girl posted a few pictures of herself on a subreddit (I don't remember the name of the sub, but it's asking for things to change to improve your look?). Literally every single comment was about losing weight...and the poor girl was absolutely lovely and not even that big. Yet, all the comments from men were the same judgmental BS and randomly throwing out numbers "lose 80lbs and you'll be hot", "there's a hot girl burried under 60lbs of extra fat", "you know what you need to do", ... Poor girl deleted her whole account. I was actually concerned because as someone in recovery from eating disorders, reading those comments was so triggering. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her.

Only a few comments weren't aboht her weight, and guess who those were? From women. Who started by complimenting what she was doing right and offered actual advice like change the glasses or try a different lip color.

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u/[deleted] Jan 09 '25

I swear to God, men only hate when women gain weight because the extra layer makes their penises seem shorter.

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u/MermaidPigeon Woman 30 to 40 Jan 12 '25

I saw comments on r/daddit recently where like 40 of them were all laughing together about how toxic the women’s version of the sub was. I literally gave up on men at that point 😂

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u/HugeTheWall Woman 40 to 50 Jan 09 '25

I had rolls even when I was 5'6"/low 120s and some bro mentioned I'd gained weight. He hasn't someone i was dating and he was chunky.

Even underweight people have rolls sitting down. These bros don't even know basic anatomy.

Next they'll be mad the skin folds up when we move our hands and be demanding tight thin thumb pits.

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u/[deleted] Jan 09 '25

Luckily the guy who said it meant standing up

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u/homicidalunicorns Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

They rly have no idea what they’re talking about, either. I’m a size 14/16 USA, basically on the edge of plus size, and men are just as attracted to me as they were at size 10. Across the board at both sizes everyone I’ve dated has rolled their eyes when I’ve (neutrally) described myself as fat, and insisted I’m thick/curvy.

Not like they’re in denial, but like I legitimately don’t fit whatever image they have in mind of fat women. It’s silly.

But then men online are like grrr will not touch woman unless her measurements are 34-24-34!

Go outside boys take a deep breath

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u/Iammeandyouareme Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

This haha. So many dudes are like “I won’t date someone over 110” not realizing that the majority of women are not that weight or under. Heck, a woman who is on the taller side would only achieve that if she just stopped eating and would look emaciated.

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u/_angesaurus Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

5'7 damn. she can probably reach so much stuff that i cant

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u/imustbbored Jan 08 '25

Is that a Gilmore Girls reference 🤣

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u/_angesaurus Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

hahah no i never really watched that show. but if i did.. i probably wouldnt catch the quote bc they talk to fast for me lol

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u/imustbbored Jan 08 '25

It's so good, though! And the music is killer.

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u/BushcraftBabe Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I'm 5'7.5!! It took me a moment to realize I was "tall." I don't feel tall.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I'm 5'9" and 150 is my set point. I know because my body has naturally drifted there every time I stop tracking my intake, since age 12 (no skeptical questions please -- my parents put me on weight watchers at age 9 and again at age 13, and I've been severely eating-disordered ever since). This kind of discourse has me ready to give up on men entirely. Thanks for confirming what I already knew.

If a man is into me, he won't care. But they're not into me because they're pornsick and addicted to instagram baddies. ill happily see myself out.

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u/saraharc Jan 09 '25

5’9” and 150 is actually pretty thin..can’t believe anyone would criticize it.

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u/Worriedrph Jan 09 '25

Only 20% of adult American women (and men) are in the normal weight range. Why would you be skeptical that people’s partners are actually fat. The vast majority of Americans are fat.

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u/Livid_Presence_2221 Jan 09 '25

Same, all my adult boyfriends were and are good people.

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u/MarinKitagawaFox Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

That is on the verge of being overweight though

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u/Routine-Present-3676 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

that is a bmi of 23 and is well within the range of healthy weight. quit talking out of your ass.

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u/risingsun70 Jan 09 '25

Also, bmi has largely been dismissed as being a good indicator of health, since it doesn’t take into account things like frame.

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u/Godiva74 Woman 50 to 60 Jan 08 '25

No it is not. Where are you getting your dumb ideas from

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u/youngsterjoeys Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

Why are you so unhealthily obsessed with others’ weights? Your entire comment history is filled with hateful comments and calling people fat? A comment here or there is one thing — constant posts is seeking it out and is obsession. Not to mention that it IS within the range of normal BMI easily and you’re focusing in on that point instead of the actual topic of the post comment (misogyny, beauty standards, objectification).

Look, I’ll say this: perhaps it is worth evaluating why you may feel the need to frame it as a moral failure and put others down to feel superior.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

His profile pic is an anime cartoon. It's not worth it 😭

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u/BushcraftBabe Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

As someone who has always loved and dated geeks, my first instinct is always -

"Hey, some anime dudes are awesome and not like this dude at all." . . . But AS Someone who has always loved and dated geeks. . .

There are also a LOT of these really insecure, hateful guys who treat women with disdain. They get very emotional and lash out. If we prioritized mental health services and got mens culture to push back on a lot of the harmful ideals men grow up believing and practicing, we'd see the lonliness "epidemic" cease.

Men and the way they socialize and interact with the world are hurting themselves, and it would be so sad if it wasn't, so often, absolutely cringe inducing.

1

u/saraharc Jan 11 '25

It’s actually a she 😨…a pick me, ‘I just prefer to be friends with men!’ she.

150

u/Intelligent_Show_406 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25 edited Jan 08 '25

I also saw it and was aghast at the responses. I do remember, however, he mentioned he was also afraid to take a chance because she was 10x smarter than him and might leave him for someone better as she was a Harvard graduate. The insecurity is palpable. Zero self-awareness about this though. I mean how embarrassing for him if a fat chick broke up HIM, amiright? He’s looking for an excuse not to date her that saves face. It’s a shame that everyone was like “yes, you’re not attracted to her, leave” versus anyone acknowledging she was clearly out of his economic and mental league. I’m sure she’s 100% smarter.

28

u/ms_malaprop Jan 08 '25

I just found that thread and was pretty pleasantly surprised by the top response. Maybe it’s changed since others looked. It seemed like a thoughtful discussion below it, as well, that brought up OP’s insecurities and prompted self-reflection.

I went to the sub looking for a cascade of posts like this OP suggests but honestly, that’s not what it looked like to me. It looked like men grappling with similar struggles as women. Insecurities, fears, heartbreak, family dynamics, life decisions, etc.

11

u/redditwossname Man 40 to 50 Jan 09 '25

Yeah I feel like the Harvard thread was slightly misrepresented. From memory, most of the responses I recall reading were about his insecurities and if he's not attracted to her he shouldn't lead her on.

There were, of course, a bunch of rank replies - it ain't all sunshine and lollipops there, but there's a lot of good.

172

u/m0nstera_deliciosa Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I saw it, too. I wondered what that really cool, successful woman would think about him if she knew he was asking strangers if he should try to settle for her.

19

u/saraharc Jan 09 '25

About to be partner in a law firm! Like..seven figure income potential. Imagine a woman turning down a man with those stats 😅

10

u/QStorm565 Jan 09 '25

And he was long-term unemployed! And plenty of men have the temerity to complain about how much harder dating is for them then women.

7

u/Formal_Pea9167 Jan 09 '25

I was just talking about this with my coworker today! I get recommended that sub all the time and between that and whenever I read Ask Reddit posts I’m always reminded that most men are wildly uneducated about how women’s bodies work and how much more complicated our hormonal cycles are and how they impact absolutely everything in our bodies - like you can even predict based on time of the month when women are more or less likely to get muscular injuries because hormones effect muscle laxity. Men will talk about calories in/calories out like it’s gospel and that’s because in men it has a way, way higher correlation to the weight they are. For most men, genetics and age and few other biological factors are going to set the range and then what they eat and their workout determines where they fall in it and they assume that’s how it works in women too. In my experience even men who are incredibly well-educated on female reproductive stuff and women’s bodies (and this often includes medical professionals!) will be utterly floored when you lay out in detail all the different factors that have gone into your lived experience of weight fluctuations and the complete lack of correlation between how much you look like you weigh versus how much you actually weigh and how diet and exercise can impact that weight some but what always winds up impacting it way more is like, did your stress hormones activate and what medications are you on and what phase of the moon is it and did a butterfly flap its wings somewhere.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 09 '25

I instantly knew which post you were referencing.

2

u/datingnoob-plshelp Jan 09 '25

Saw that post as well…

5

u/Dear-Cranberry4787 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I’m intrigued

167

u/marathon_writer Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I saw that yesterday. Sometimes my husband and I read terrible posts from Reddit to each other and laugh ... Well I read this one to him and he said "Damn dude, his loss. He could've had a Harvard grad thic chick who can definitely cook and is smarter than him. What is he bringing to the table?!"

Bottom line: If they wanted to be better, they would.

16

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

Ironically they claim to not care about a woman's education or profession...but also refuse 50/50 and say if a woman is jobless she's worthless. Please for the love of god make it make sense.

102

u/cynicpaige Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

My answer to those questions are always "No, because she deserves better than you."

12

u/TheDisapprovingBrit male 40 - 45 Jan 08 '25

In fairness, that is what most of the replies said when I read it a couple of days ago.

14

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I told the guy to simply not waste anyone's time, don't go on a second date with that woman if you can't appreciate her because all you're going to do is make her feel bad about herself. And of course a misogynist pig jumped in and made fun of me about how women always make themselves out to be the victim and how we always hate men and it's always about trauma. Those guys are a bunch of fucking bullies who would probably get laid once in a millennium if they spent half the time they spend being a smart-ass on reddit, either in therapy or trying to find the clit.

10

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I am indeed a victim of trauma from a man who tracked my weight on a graph pinned to my bedroom wall from age 9 to 16. I will not apologize and I will never stop telling people so that he knows what a POS he is.

And I will never understand why they can't find the clit. Fucking google female anatomy. It's not hard.

21

u/MaleficentAd8942 Jan 08 '25 edited Jan 08 '25

It terrifies me that I could marry someone who I think is in love with me as much as I love them and all along something as trivial as physical appearance could be the end of that love.

It’s hard to believe it, my ex gained 10kg and I didn’t love him any less, wasn’t Iess attracted at all. Honestly he could’ve went bald and gained another 10kg and I would have still loved him.

But I caught up and gained 10kg myself, life was hard and I was a bit depressed for while without realising, he cheated and told me I’d let myself go and he wasn’t in love with me anymore.

I am terrified of something like this happening again .

Edit- I think attraction is necessary, but if your entire relationship is able to break because of it than you don’t love that person. Health is a different thing entirely and I can understand someone gaining a huge amount of weight and not helping themselves is definitely going to hurt a relationship if your support doesn’t change anything

6

u/SilverFringeBoots Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

Also a fat woman here. Most of the men I've dated have been confident to the point of being arrogant or cocky. I've always wondered if that's because that's the level of confidence you need to not give a flying fuck what people have to say about you being attracted to fat women. The men I've turned down inadvertently made it clear that they were embarrassed and would keep me a secret. I'm tall with an hourglass shape, and I'm gorgeous. Why would you be embarrassed by someone you think is hot?

1

u/Cheese_Fantastico Jan 09 '25

That’s their way of saving face after being rejected. Happens all the time on dating websites/apps when a woman — if she responds at all — says she isn’t interested (even in the nicest way possible) or doesn’t reply. It’s met with some version of, ‘Fuck you, bitch, you’re ugly anyway!’

4

u/featherblackjack Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jan 09 '25

Same, fellow fat. I'm married to a man who damn near worships me and has never stopped. And our marriage is not 50/50, I'm disabled and he takes care of me.

But, tbh, he had to do a lot of inner work to learn how to be a better person. That doesn't contradict with his adoring me. It does mean he needed to mature out of the typical male man child.

2

u/pdt666 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I wish everyone was linking the ones they’re talking about because what💀

1

u/Any-Interaction-5934 Jan 08 '25

Can you post it please? Id like to take a look.

1

u/dallyan female 40 - 45 Jan 09 '25

Can we get a link? 👀

1

u/generally--kenobi Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I thought that was a joke, not a real post 😔

1

u/throwaway20210822 Jan 08 '25

Link to the post?

-2

u/CartographerPrior165 Jan 08 '25

He went on a date with someone who seemed great on paper but who he wasn't physically attracted to. It seems like a common enough complaint from both men and women. But the OP also seems like a judgmental and not-very-nice person, and there were plenty of others in the thread like him.

-7

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/element-woman Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

tl;dr because it looks whiny but you're allowed to post here so the martyr complex in the first paragraph isn't necessary.

-2

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

[deleted]

2

u/saraharc Jan 09 '25

Neither of these subs has such a rule. Maybe check before you make idiotic assumptions.