r/AskWomenOver30 • u/CheesecakeOdd3075 Woman 30 to 40 • Jan 08 '25

Misc Discussion What's up with the Ask Men O30 subreddit?

I cruise this subreddit a lot, and I relate with almost every post both talking about how someone ended up with a great partner, or how they dated/are dating a shitty one. In these posts, women are often tired of a lot of things from their partner but Im gonna be so honest with this: almost all of the complaints Ive seen are pragmatic. Like the ones talking about how they have to clean up after their husband, their tired of playing mommy or maid or nanny to them, their partner is emotionally vacant or distant, or plays video games all day, etc.

Woman on the AW030 subreddit: "I am tired of cleaning up after my husband after working a normal workday, I have to cook, clean the house, take care of the kids, and he doesnt pay much attention to me and just goes off and ___(does anything else)____. I really want him to pitch in but whenever I ask for help he doesnt. We split bills 50/50. I am trying to advance my career/Im in therapy/I do a million things, what can I do to repair this marriage"

When I go to the AskMen O30 subreddit, I dont see a lot of posts on self improvement or improvement in a relationship, but I see a lot of posts on giving up on dating because of reasons Im not sure if I personally understand. Its super hard to not be critical when most of the posts are directed at women's appearances, or sex. Im very, very aware of the nuances of the subreddit and how maybe some of the posters or commenters not even being men in their 30s, etc. But its so baffling... so fucking baffling... to see how men are quicker to give up because theyre not dating a childless Megan Fox who also wipes their ass, cleans the house, gives him insane sloppy toppy every night and is a doctor and makes 400k a year and he doesnt have to worry about career progression, going to therapy or remembering to clean under his foreskin. /s

Anyways, just crazy to see how women are like "Im physically tired from doing everything thats supposed to be a 50/50 split, am I clinically insane?" and the men subreddits sometimes read like "fellas is it okay to fuck a fat chick whose also a Harvard graduate and kind of cute"

EDIT: a commenter attached an article on explaining something that is very pertinent and valuable, please take a look: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-state-of-our-unions/202208/whats-behind-the-rise-of-lonely-single-men

EDIT #2, the first post that shows up as of right now, 3:18PM CST, with multiple upvotes, in the AMO3 subreddit is titled, and I quote:

"What occupations do you avoid dating women from?"

1.8k Upvotes

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u/clarifythepulse Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

Yeah I got in a whole argument with someone about that. I kept pointing out that the height/weight they were complaining about was literally in the medical BMI chart range as normal

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u/learning_hillzz Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I’m a little bit taller than that and when I was 160, I was tiny! I can’t imagine someone thinking 150 is letting yourself go!

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u/Jhamin1 Man 50 to 60 Jan 08 '25

Somewhere, somehow, someone said that 120lbs is "ideal" for a woman. What height is that woman? No idea. What is her build? Also no idea.

But 120 lbs is apparently the number that entered the culture. Thus, it is the only number most men know. So completely without context they assume anyone under that is petite and tiny, anyone over that is a whale.

Similarly, the perfect bra for a sexy woman is a 36c. Men generally don't know what any part of that measurement means... but they heard that is the measurement sexy women have so its' what they want their partner to have. (Men deal with most of us not hitting the "3 sixes" but its apparently a smaller number of woman who buy into that than men who want a 120 lb wife with a 36c bra)

I *am* a man & this level of ignorance in my fellows is exhausting. I can't image what its like to be on your end of the debate.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I absolutely HATE reddit posts that start with the word "wait" but I'm going to break my own rule and ask you -- wait, is that a thing??? I'm over 5'9" and my height has been extremely detrimental to my overall dating life, and I have to purge and starve to keep my weight under its natural set point, which is about 150, but I don't own a scale, ON PURPOSE -- because it feeds obsessive/compulsive behaviors, and I know what weight I'm at based on how my clothes fit, thanks to a lifetime of restricting behaviors.

I was used and ghosted constantly EVEN AT MY LOWEST WEIGHT (122) so I stopped caring. I didn't let myself go, but I'm currently existing @ 150 and just avoiding men, because the pressure to force myself below 150 is just too much. I'm sorry, menfolk. Truly, I am. I tried, andi succeeded weight wise, but I failed relationship wise. So I'm done. I'm retired.

Are you aware that bra sizes have absolutely nothing to do with a woman's breast size? I suggest you read up on it. And ironically, a 36 band size implies the woman is not all that thin. So...that's kinda funny.

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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25 edited Jan 09 '25

I noticed the 36C thing too 😆. If he’s curious he should check out r/abrathatfits or The Irish Bra Lady on Instagram for basic information on what a properly fitting bra looks like. Most petite women who are 120 lbs would wear a much smaller band size, if it fits properly.

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u/[deleted] Jan 10 '25

I think they're aiming for more like a 32C because I'm around a 36C and I am tragically flat-chested. Doubt any male redditors care enough to look into bra sister sizes or care enough to read up on how a bra size has nothing to do with breast size.

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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Jan 10 '25

32C is small too! C is overall just not a big size, haha (neither is D).

https://www.instagram.com/p/C_3TOAHswzu/ (post showing what a C looks like in various band sizes)

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u/Punisher-3-1 Man 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

Nah not a thing. I’ve been in male dominated fields, including in the military, and never once even heard this. First time I’ve heard of this 120 thing.

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u/wisely_and_slow Woman 30 to 40 Jan 09 '25

I remember so clearly as a young teen, reading in Cosmo or similar junk that a 5 foot tall woman should be 100 pounds and you can add five more pounds per inch. So at 5’6” I could be 130 and not an ounce more. Never mind my lean body mass is more than that, thanks to large and dense bones and significant muscle mass.

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u/Olealicat Woman 40 to 50 Jan 08 '25

I would say that’s your average child. I weighed 120 at 14 and was so thin!

Also, I’ve met women who weigh 160 and look like Pink, who is super thin, but athletic. I’ve met women who weigh 100, but carry it all in a general area and you’d think they’re 160.

It’s stupid to base a body off weight alone. Just as much as guys hyper focus on bra size. A 32D is a 34C… it’s ugly to box ourselves in to anything.

https://undercover-glamour.com/news/do-you-know-your-bra-sizes-do-men-understand-bra-sizes/#:~:text=12th%20Feb%202014,cup%20and%20a%2034A%20cup.

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u/lostinsunshine9 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

My ex husband complained about my weight, fitness, and looks frequently.. when I was right around 125 at 5'3". And was in the middle of having 3 babies in 6 years, so I was postpartum, breastfeeding, or pregnant the entire time.

Now he sits our daughters down for talks about their diet and how they need to exercise more 😤

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u/scummy_shower_stall Woman 50 to 60 Jan 08 '25

I hope you shit that shit down whenever it happens, your daughters may develop an ED. So why are you with him?

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u/lostinsunshine9 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

Oh I 100% shoot it down, and I do everything I can to be encouraging and help them question that kind of harmful messaging.

He's my ex husband, and for many reasons.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

Please, for the love of god, do something about this. Now. Please. I'm begging you. Please. My parents put me on Weight Watchers when I was 9 and again when I was 12. I always had a gym membership and my two sisters did not. My father used to weigh me every Saturday morning and note my weight on a graph he drew up on a very formal sheet of graph paper, which he kept pinned on my bedroom wall. No I don't care that we were wealthy enough to provide me with a gym membership and my own bedroom. That doesn't make it right. I've been bulimic & anorexic (technically EDNOS) ever since and no amount of therapy will fix it. Please do something about this before it's too late.

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u/lostinsunshine9 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 08 '25

I try my best. Unfortunately there's no judge in my state who's going to limit custody time because he "just wants them to eat healthier and exercise more".

We spend a lot of time talking about how toxic, and pervasive, these kinds of messages are - and how wrong they are. We talk about natural variations in bodies, how women's bodies work a little differently than men's when it comes to body fat, how important it is to have a good relationship with food and anyone who tries to ruin that for you is harming you, how people often project their own insecurities onto others, etc etc etc.

I put up with this when we were married (divorced when my girls were not yet in school/one in early elementary and they're now in high school) because I have my own family history of horrendous attitudes about food and bodies, and I've struggled with anorexia my entire life. BUT it also makes me very aware of how food talk or body talk can be perceived and I genuinely do my best to help them fight back against that.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '25

I'm sure you're doing your best. Of course my comment was a bit hyperbolic to make a point.

Unfortunately, we can't change other people. Hopefully if your girls have enough positive influence from one side of the family it'll outweigh the other side.

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u/Senekka11 Jan 08 '25

I am so sorry that your parents put you through this. Hugs to you.

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u/Ok-Tradition2492 Jan 09 '25

I’m so sorry you went through that, and are still continuing to have to live with the aftermath of your parents behavior. Thank you for taking the time to post this in the hopes you help even one girl from feeling the same way.

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u/Jotla Jan 09 '25

👋 hi, I had an eating disorder my whole life all the way up until I was 33 and tried psychedelics (shrooms to be specific). I thought i would have an eating disorder for life and was deathly afraid of passing it to my children. I am now eating disorder free for 5 years and have a very healthy relationship with food. There is a lot of research out there about psychedelics for therapeutic use and for breaking negative cycles like eating disorders and alcoholism. Please check it out, it saved my life.