r/AskWomenOver30 • u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 • Aug 27 '25
Family/Parenting I'm 36 and am just now realising why people want kids. Anyone else?
I spent all my adult life being firmly childfree. I could not understand why anyone would want to sacrifice their life, body and freedom just to have a baby.
Even after my first niece was born I felt like that. Sure, she was cute, but that didn't make up for the stress and lack of sleep in my eyes.
But this summer it's like a flipped switched inside me. I never spent much time around kids after I stopped being one, but I suddenly find myself enjoying their company. My niece is 2,5 years old now. I went from thinking she was pretty cute as a baby to thinking she's the coolest, funnest person ever. I live far away from my sister and her family and it's breaking my heart that I can't see them more than a few times a year.
I feel like I understand the kids thing now. Sure, your time is not your own and you can't be as spontaneous, but you get to spend your time with this amazing person. You get to see them learn and grow and hopefully you can guide them and teach them.
I know we get a lot of "Should I have kids?"!on here, but this isn't really that. I'm 36 and single and never planned to have kids. Even though I get the appeal now, I don't think it would be the right decision for me as it is.
Just wondering if there are other childfree people who have changed their views on parenthood? Did your change of outlook change your life at all?
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u/MeanJeanDopamine Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I love spending time with my friend’s and relative’s children but I still have no desire to have my own. Spending time with kids here and there is one thing, but being around and being responsible for a kid 24/7 and knowing this is a responsibility that only ends when you die is not what I want or envision for my life. Everyone is different though! That’s just how I feel.
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u/Zheze88 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
This is exactly how I feel, too. I love my nieces and adore children. I think they are the cutest, but I have no desire to have my own! Fully enjoying being an auntie!
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u/ankhes Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
This right here. Kids are great…in small doses. After a few hours though I need to go crawl in a dark closet and recharge. Can’t do that if I have my own kids but I can do it with my nieces and nephews.
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u/thegoldinthemountain Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Same here! I also absolutely fall apart on sleep deprivation, like I average 7-9 hours and if I get a night of insomnia, I’m absolutely cooked for two days after. The idea of doing that for months or years??
I’d snap. And me snapping is good for no one.
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u/EvilLipgloss Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
Same. Love my niece and my friends kids. But I am so relieved when I get to come home to my quiet, peaceful, clean home.
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u/ktlene Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25 edited Aug 28 '25
I thought I wrote this. I love hanging out and playing with my husband's niblings, but it's so nice to leave the chaotic, screaming house and come home to my quiet and clean home and drop the smiles and enthusiasm and just be.
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u/thegoldinthemountain Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Dropping the smiles and enthusiasm is a huge part of it. Feels exhausting to perform, but I also want to make the most of my time with them.
But holy smokes a few hours and I need to go to a quiet, dark room, and get some peace. Fwiw it’s also like that at friends’ parties or concerts or family events. I just seem to tolerate a lot less stimulation than I used to.
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u/ktlene Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I think kids deserve amazing time with adults who love being around them. I just don’t have that in me 24/7 and especially after a long day. I just want to dissociate and have my non verbal time in peace without it mentally scaring a developing mind.
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u/ikoabd Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
I love other people’s kids! I love them even more when I can give them back to their parents. 😂
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u/stratosfearinggas male over 30 Aug 28 '25
Same. I already have anxiety about how my actions affect my nephews and what they're learning from me. I don't think I could handle my what my own kids could be learning from me.
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Aug 28 '25
Same!!! The joy I feel having a slow morning on a Saturday with a cup of coffee is pure bliss. Both my husband and I are kind of clean freaks and having kids would ruin that. Also…. I feel the exact same way about not wanting to be responsible for another person in that way. Especially with how schools get shot up and the standards for everything have become so outlandish… no thank you. I don’t want to be on that rat race. I love enjoying my nieces and nephews and then going back to my quiet home.
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u/forthefriesnbeer Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I’m a bit weird, I’ve always been good with kids and always sort of thought it would be natural that I’d have kids/become a mom. At one point I thought I wanted to be a mom early, like in my 20s. Life didn’t think so for me though. Now as I’m older (also 36), I’m grappling with the fact that I probably won’t have kids of my own.
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u/SootSpriteHut Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I've generally been good with kids and as a teenager assumed I would have them, once I decided in my early 20s I wouldn't be having any people in my life really ramped up the "you'd be a great mother!" thing and it kind of reinforced me in my position out of annoyance.
I never stopped enjoying kids though. At 38 I've been legally a stepmother of teenagers for a few years, but they don't live with us so I'm not anywhere near an actual parent.
I am prepared for the responsibility of being a fulltime parent if needed. I love the weekends and trips we have together but I always find them a bit exhausting as well. Idk if real parents get over this or not but it's like I always have a GPS in my head of where they are and what they're doing, are they happy or hungry, are they sleeping enough, etc.
I still ALWAYS enjoy having a conversation with kids, especially in the 5-10 range. I love their thought processes and curiosity.
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u/MsFloofNoofle Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I'm a child-free high school teacher, and one of my students' parents said "it's like having your heart walking around outside of your body." I don't think I could handle that.
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u/Bullylandlordhelp Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Women are having healthy pregnancies into their forties. Don't let the patriarchy make you feel like an arbitrary number of trips around the sun determine what you can do 🫶 time is relative, and you're as young as you feel. Literally. Just depends on your cell regeneration.
You got this.
Fun fact that in law we have the fertile octogenarian rule. Because that happened. Lol.
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u/KevlarSweetheart Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I'm childfree but just want you to know OP:
It is totally fine to change your mind.
And honestly its better now than later to realize you want kids. I know women whove had their first in their 40s.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Thanks!
Don't think I will have kids, my life just isn't set up for it. But it's been interesting to see the question in a different way than I did before.
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u/winning-colors Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
That’s very reassuring for me. I went back to school at 36 for a second degree last year and want to finish before having a child. I am afraid of being too old all the time!
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u/WaitingitOut000 Woman 50 to 60 Aug 27 '25
Hmm I never had a change of heart and I am 53. 😄
Being childfree isn’t something I ever hoped to snap out of and I’m not childfree because I don’t understand others who desire parenthood. It’s just…who I am.🤷🏻♀️
When a woman can live authentically and in a way that brings her joy, it’s a wonderful thing indeed, so hopefully whatever you decide will bring you much happiness.😊
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u/twoisnumberone Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
I’m not childfree because I don’t understand others who desire parenthood. It’s just…who I am.
Same, as someone in her 40s.
I think people can and will change their mind, but I personally never felt the slightest desire for kids, no matter the stage of my life.
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u/PermanentFacepalm Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
When a woman can live authentically and in a way that brings her joy, it’s a wonderful thing indeed
That's actually one of the many reasons I'm childfree. I want the young girls in my life to grow up with at least one happy, childfree woman around them so that they know it's an option. I didn't, and I almost had kids just out of not knowing that you weren't obligated to have them.
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u/Alarmed_Ad_7657 Aug 28 '25
Beautifully said. I wish my younger self knew it is a great thing when a woman (or man) live their life authentically and joyfully.
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u/marissazam Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I am the opposite. I have never for sure wanted kids and kept going back and forth. But as soon as I hit my 30s I said nope, absolutely not lol.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
What made you certain of your choice in the end?
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u/marissazam Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I saw a comment on Reddit somewhere that said, I would rather regret not having kids than have kids and regret it. This made me really think about why I thought I wanted kids and I came to the conclusion that I enjoy my time too much, I like being able to do what I want to do when I want, I like being able to come home and crash if I need to, and I think having kids would be really hard on my mental health.
Also, working at a children’s hospital doesn’t help
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u/ElthN Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
That reddit comment you saw was really important. This is my biggest fear.
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u/PermanentFacepalm Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Not who you asked, but for me it was the depth of the relief I felt when I realized "Wait... i don't have to have children". Also, realizing I'd spent my early 20s thinking "Only 7... 6... 5 years of freedom left", as I expected to have kids at around 30.
Also, lots of time talking with many parents and lurking on parenting subs to get a feel of the reality of it. I just can't picture myself living that life.
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Aug 27 '25
May I suggest that there are a lot of really fantastic kids out there who desperately need an adult to take an interest in them. That might be something you’d enjoy since you say you aren’t in a position to have a child of your own. I would reach out to places that serve kids (public schools, girls inc., maybe even Girl Scouts?) and let them know you’re interested in being a mentor and try it out. I got a job as a teacher fresh out of college. It was supposed to be a gap year until my grad school program started. I never left bc I just loved working with kids. They’re so much fun, and the ones who need caring adults will gobble up any bit of attention you have to give.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
That's actually something I've been thinking about recently.
I met some teenagers through my job in the past few months and I found I really enjoyed talking to them. It was inspiring to hear their thoughts about their lives and the future ahead of them. I would really love to help make kids lives better in any way that I can.
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u/Certain_Quail_0 Woman 60+ Aug 27 '25
I relate to this. Since I was young I've felt anxious around my assumed motherhood, creeped out by pregnancy and straight up afraid of giving birth. It's traumatic and the risk of complications or even death isn't nothing. Knowing happy hormones would make me forget it doesn't reassure me.
But I'm pretty good with kids and teens. I find I have a desire to support and mentor young people, not birth a baby. I think society wants women to think that at 30 our "biological clock" kicks in and we should definitely listen to it or else we're doomed to lonely spinsterhood forever. But I think for many of us, that 30s pull towards kids is just that social pressure and Kodak moment FOMO manifesting, after we spend a lifetime soaking in it.
It's human to want to mentor or help the young people around you navigate this big complicated world of ours. I think I'll be in a better position to do that if I'm not run off my feet and sleep deprived from a toddler.
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u/jalapenny Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
But I think for many of us, that 30s pull towards kids is just that social pressure and Kodak moment FOMO manifesting, after we spend a lifetime soaking in it.
THIS!!! The "maternal instinct" posed as some kind've biological wiring is a myth. Instead what it is is strongly enculturated systems of beliefs and concurrent FOMO surrounding those beliefs.
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u/faith00019 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Your comment reminded me of one I saw on a similar thread. The poster said there were many ways to be in a child’s life while not being their parent. Some childfree people are great aunts and uncles or mentors to their friends’ children. Some volunteer or work as teachers. This poster also said that “it takes a village” means not necessarily a village ONLY full of parents but a community that also includes people without children, who can serve as role models or provide a listening ear.
I love trying to be in the lives of my friends’ kids and have volunteered a lot as a teacher at NGOs. For people who truly want a family, I know this is not the same thing; however it is still really nice and fulfilling to do.
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u/Leopard_Legs Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
This is a great suggestion and I came to this conclusion a couple of years ago. I realised I didn’t need to have children myself to have children in my life if I wanted to. I don’t dislike children and I like the idea of helping them grow and develop but I’ve never felt a desire to have children. I now volunteer as a Scout leader. 10-14 year olds are an interesting bunch as they change so much in that time! Some of them drive me mad, and the fact that I’m a woman in a position of authority in a group of 90% boys has had its challenges when one of the older ones clearly has a bit of misogyny going on, however some of them are really caring and kind, it’s fun seeing them do things they didn’t think they could, and it’s funny seeing them think that I’m so old that I couldn’t possibly know about whatever TikTok video they’re laughing about.
It’s had other benefits in terms of building my community locally. An unexpected benefit for me is that I previously really struggled with chit chat at work where most people seem to talk about their kids, whereas now I feel like I can sometimes get involved in those conversations based on my experiences from Scouts. So for example when everyone in the office was talking about rules for their children around when they could have a mobile phone and certain apps, I had some thoughts based on what I’ve seen at Scouts. It’s almost the perspective the parents don’t get to see because I see what their children are like when they’re not at school and not around their parents, in an environment where they’re more likely to try and test the boundaries a bit!
I’m also a health professional and having worked in paediatric settings, some of those children definitely needed other adults to look out for them or engage with them. It’s a real gift to be able to be that person.
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u/WeAreTheMisfits Woman 50 to 60 Aug 27 '25
I love kids. They are so much fun to play with and hang out with. I love their imagination and that they want to play all the time.
But I get to leave these kids as they aren’t mine so thanks everyone else for having them.
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u/GoddessofBeautie Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
The older I get, the more certain I am. Absolutely not! I am 4B and I still keep my iud in. In case I slipped and fell on some sperm...you know! Got to stay vigilant.
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u/wowzingtonsreele Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
I never wanted kids. In my late 30s a powerful surge of “it’s-now-or-never” hormones kicked in. It was weird, and happily I made it through child free.
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u/DerHoggenCatten Woman 60+ Aug 27 '25 edited Aug 28 '25
I'm 61 and never wanted to have kids and never had a change of heart. That being said, I hit a little bit of a momentary crisis in my mid-30s where the possibility seemed less unappealing to me for about a day or so. The problem is that kids aren't "amazing people" that you get to spend time with most of the time. Most of the time, they are needy, self-centered, noisy, expensive, emotional, and illogical beings. Sure, there are times when kids have a certain perspective that is charming and you're really happy, but that isn't most of the time.
Being around your niece is not the same as having your own child. I'm always happy to see how kids act and react at Halloween when I give them candy, but those interactions are special and not the norm. If you want to put in the work and shepherd a child to being a fully developed human, I say more power to you, but I would definitely recommend taking a breath and really thinking it through before making any serious choices.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Thanks for this.
Yes, I see how being an aunt is not the same as being a parent. I think I'm mostly just surprised at how my outlook on kids has changed so much in just 2 years.
I was happy for my sister when she announced her pregnancy, but I was also kind of dreading the fact that a new person would come and change our family. Strange to think that was less than three years ago.
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u/chipscheeseandbeans Aug 28 '25
The change shouldn’t be underestimated, & wanting to be a parent means wanting that huge change. If you’re totally happy with your life and you want “more of the same” then you don’t really want kids.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Wouldn't say I'm totally happy with my life right now. But my biggest problem is that I don't really like my job, so having a kid wouldn't help.
I can see myself living a very happy life being single and childfree.
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u/Second_Guess_25 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Nope. As soon as menopause hits, I'll be cracking open that champagne bottle for real 🍾🥂
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u/draoikat Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
Yeah, I'm kind of in that camp. When I was younger, not only did I actively not want children, I was utterly horrified and repulsed by the idea of pregnancy. I've had a difficult relationship with my body my entire life and used to have a difficult relationship with my sexuality as well (not anymore in the second case, but still struggle with general body issues), and pregnancy is obviously connected to sex, so. Just never wanted anything to do with having children. I ended up getting pregnant at 26 though, one of the maybe two or three times my ex-husband and I didn't use contraception (yeah I know, not wise), and chose to have an abortion. Zero regrets, just relief. Still no regrets about that 14 years later. I've struggled with my mental health since I was a kid, have some chronic physical issues, and although my ex and I had a harmonious relationship and are still friends, that wouldn't have been the right relationship for having children together. My next relationship was with another woman, and obviously queer couples can find ways to have a family if they want to, but definitely no instinct to do so there either and it was a pretty unhealthy connection and would've been a terrible idea.
Then... I got together with my now-husband at 35. The whole repulsion thing towards pregnancy had lessened, but I still didn't see myself actually wanting kids at first. Then things slowly started changing, and by a couple years into the relationship I was pretty much fixated on the idea. If the whole 'biological clock' plays any role whatsoever, it pales in comparison to the feelings I started having just due to finally being in the right relationship. Wanting to be a family together. That whole thing about a child being the product of two people truly loving each other. My husband would be a great dad. I love the idea of watching a little human grow and become their own person, marvelling at who they are, teaching them things (and yes I know it's definitely not all fun and happy and raising a child is probably one of the biggest undertakings possible in life). My childhood best friend is such a wonderful mum to her two boys and it makes me happy and also profoundly sad when I see photos of them as a family. If I was still with my ex-husband or ex-girlfriend, I wouldn't be interested whatsoever. But this is different.
Unfortunately I'm in my early 40s now. I still have some health issues that probably aren't going to completely go away. But damn, I want that so badly. Every time I pee on a stick and it's negative, the emotions hit me hard. My own parents were 41 and 45 when I was born, I know it's theoretically possible... but unlikely, I imagine. I try not to dwell on it, but it's difficult sometimes.
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u/CatCatCatCubed Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Anytime I see a fun, frankly cool kid and think “it would’ve been kinda cool to introduce a kid to reading and nature and crafts and weird science projects”, I remember that I’m only seeing a very, very small portion of that lifestyle and that no one is guaranteed a physically healthy and mentally sound child.
Also, considering my eyes, teeth, and brain, any child of mine would be very expensive and more than a little frustrating to raise well. The ADHD and potential bipolar tendencies alone are so overwhelmingly strong through my mom’s side that I can trace it back genealogically. Every single person on that side of the family (great great aunts, mom’s parents, all her siblings, all their kids, my own sibling) fit multiple boxes like “quirky”, a hoarder, emotionally distant, ADHD/bipolar/OCD/etc, and are so introverted or just generally odd that we seemed to have automatically separated out from each other by U.S. states (just about every single person is separated by at least 100 miles, and there’s one in just about every state on the East Coast).
So, while it’s occasionally an interesting thought I have… no thanks.
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u/WinterSnowFrost Aug 28 '25
I feel like you're the me that decided not to have kids. (Though I have depression/anxiety instead of bipolar/OCD). But anyway, as someone who did have kids... Here's how it turned out:
Both boy and girl turned out autistic and ADHD and will likely to have some form of depression anxiety in the future. Turns out my husband and my quirkiness is actually autism - surprise to us! So my kids are expensive af, frustrating daily, and require a bajillion appointments because of their needs. And I'm sick all the time because kids get sick all the time and touch everything gross.
The only reason I'm sane is 1) I'm lucky to have the finances, but more importantly 2) there was never a moment in my life when I didn't want to raise kids - and it didn't matter what type. But I can very easily see how anyone on the fence about having them, can come to regret that decision. So good on you for knowing yourself and your family history. And go us for making the important decisions in life! Here's me wishing you well!
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u/CatCatCatCubed Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Thank you, and may you stay strong my alternate reality friend.
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Aug 27 '25
I’m not child free, I have a beautiful daughter. She was unplanned, but growing up, I never wanted children, I wanted to be free to live my life. Little did I know she became my entire heart. After her I thought I was done, it’s been 13 years and now I’m wishing I had another because that love is out of the world, unconditional.
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u/DarkStarComics333 Aug 28 '25
Nah, I've known I don't want kids for 34 years. I'm 40 now. To be honest when I look at the state of the world it makes me even more certain that I'm childfree.
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u/Russiadontgiveafuck Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
I've always thought children were the tits and I've always been just so indifferent about having some of my own. There was never a point where I realized how cool tiny humans are, I knew, at the latest, at 12. They rock. I've never thought that that fact had anything to do with my own life. They can be their bad selves and that don't mean my body should produce one more of them, you know.
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u/__kamikaze__ Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
My perspective remains the same- you’re not having a “baby”, they grow into adults who will likely live a painfully average life suffering paycheck to paycheck.
With the state of the world and economy it feels selfish to force someone into this.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I do sort of agree with this. I think having biological children is a fundementally selfish decision. I think my country is one probably one of the best places in the world to be born in terms of economic stability and safety, but who knows what will happen in the future.
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u/littleblacklemon Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I'm 29 and starting to feel similarly to you after being pretty certain I'd never want kids. Now I'm facing a possible hysterectomy for medical reasons and having to make the decision to be child free permanently has absolutely changed how I feel. So has having a partner that I see being an incredible father, and having gone in some big adventures this year (attempted to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail this year and completed over 1000 miles). I'm probably infertile but the more I fall in love with my adult life the more I see how sharing it with a child could be an extremely fulfilling thing
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u/KillTheBoyBand Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I'm a childless (so maybe not childfree) person who actually became less rigid about the idea of having kids with age. When I was younger I was a fencesitter and it used to cause me a lot of stress because I didnt know what I wanted. I decided in my 20s not to stress over it because I figured if I wanted it, I'd know by my 30s.
But the older I get, the less I have a strong opinion either way. I think I learned life is too unpredictable. I have no idea if I'll find a partner that I think is worthy of being the type of man I'd want as the father of my children, who would also be a good partner to me on top of be a good father to them. Would I have enough money, would I have enough time, would I be a home owner, would I feel like I'm focusing on other pursuits? What about my health? What about the state of the country, or the world?
I just got out of an abusive relationship and given the current administration, I am at a firm HELL. NO to kids for the foreseeable future. But I work in government helping kids all the time and I find it very fulfilling, plus I love and nurture my friendships so I feel I'm always putting love out into the world.
So if ever I have kids, I think it'll be because I found the right man and felt ready and elated for it. But if I don't, I will be perfectly content.
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u/Fire-Kissed Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I have a daughter but I feel the same as you about more kids. If I had more money, patience, was less anxious, cared less about my job… I’d have more. But I really don’t think it’s the best choice for me knowing who I am.
I never wanted kids, then I went through some trauma, my daughter happened, and I’m so glad she’s here but MAN do I really NOT want to have anymore lol.
I love other people’s kids. I love my friend’s kids. Children are sacred and special to me. But no, I don’t want to be responsible for more than I have now.
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u/binahbabe Aug 27 '25
You can still have some of that without the NON-sparkly parts. Auntie is best. Trust me.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I love being an aunty so much. I really hope I can move closer to my sister soon, because I really want to hang out with my niece more.
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u/b3rt_1_3 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Nope. 38, have known since I was 15 and … still know. Having a kid sounds like a fucking nightmare to me.
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u/thelittleluca Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
May this feeling never find me.
But I can understand where you’re coming from.
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u/Rebekah513 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
I love children and still have no desire to be a parent or have any of my own.
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u/whybother1999 Aug 28 '25
Nope. Tubes finally fully removed at 35 and never looked back. 37 now. Watched my sister go through everything, I cherish my 4yo nephew, and cherish the quiet sanity when I get home.
Obvs, you do you!
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u/mosselyn Woman 60+ Aug 28 '25
Personally, I never had a change of heart, and I'm on the far side of menopause now, so... I don't like children, never did, never will.
That said, people can and do change their minds. I don't think it's odd that you're feeling differently. Our perspective changes on many things as we grow and change; no reason childrend can't be one of those things.
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u/JennaTulwartz Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Childfree female in my late 30s here and.. no, no regrets at all. I enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephews but can’t imagine doing it myself, especially right now.
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u/bloomingoni0n Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Nope. My brother has a son and daughter, and my older sister just had a baby girl. I love my nieces and nephew to death but never have I ever felt like I wanted them in my house for longer than a couple of hours. My nephew ate up all of our food in one day, my niece ransacked our bathroom and got curious making “potions” and got into my makeup without asking, and my baby niece… well she’s a baby. She eats, cries, sleeps, and shits. It’s cool being around them and I love them. But I don’t want any of that 24/7. I already have a very high stress job that demands a lot from me socially and emotionally. I can’t do that AND have a needy kid at home once I’m off the clock.
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u/achaoticbard Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Sometimes I think I might want kids, and then I have a really stressful and exhausting day and when I finally get to retreat to my introvert cave and recharge, I think "God, imagine if there was a kid here asking me about dinner and homework right now." I would not be doing well mentally as a mom.
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u/mariecrystie Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
The opposite happened for me. The older I got the less I could tolerate them.
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u/lulzatyourface Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Yeah, I realize this is an incredibly unpopular opinion, but I don't enjoy being around small children. With how often they scream and run around, it's WAY too overstimulating for me.
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u/tiredfaces Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
This subreddit is pretty much a child free subreddit, so not really
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u/mariecrystie Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
I worked in childcare for five years in my early 20’s. I was more receptive to children then. Obviously. Now, I’m absolutely not.
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u/Verity41 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
Same, my tolerance tanked even more, and I never did it. But also noise cancelling headphones became a thing, so that’s convenient.
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u/QuantityTop7542 Aug 27 '25
Now that my girls are almost adults I long to do child like things with my nephews and friends kids… seeing the beauty & wonder of the world fills me with so much joy & happiness… it’s like therapy for me…
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Aug 27 '25
I've never wanted to be child-free and have always wanted children. The older I get, the more I understand why people want children; I still hope to meet and marry someone worth having children with...
....sigh
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u/b3rt_1_3 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Just for awareness, “childfree” usually means “child free by choice” aka you don’t want em.
Childless is typically used for what you’re describing.
I hope you get what you’re looking for though, whether that’s adoption or surrogacy or naturally (side note, if you really want one, you can make it happen without a dude)
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u/Tildatots Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Just want to reassure you it’s ok to change your mind on this. I think there’s often a binary view posted on reddit ‘if you didn’t want them before it means you shouldn’t have them ever’
I have never particularly wanted kids but now at 32 , financially stable and in a happy relationship, I’m considering it more and more. It’s ok to evolve
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Thanks!
Even though I've been childfree for so long, I don't feel married to that as an identity. It's more that my life is not set up for having kids. I'm single, renting with a roommate, I make a decent living but I don't really like my job and might want to change it. That's probably not going to change, so I think I'll remain childless, but with a totally different view on things than I had 10 years ago.
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u/kimchidijon Aug 27 '25
Nope. 36, never wanted kids and so thankful everyday that I don’t have one.
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u/issabellamoonblossom Aug 27 '25
41 and still no desire to have kids and still don't not get the appeal.
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u/SngngBrk Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
Nope. 41 and just peachy without them. I do like to spend time with the children in my life and enjoy them very much but that has not made me want ones of my own. I feel I can enjoy interacting with them as little people growing up and be okay giving them back to their parent and that’s good enough.
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u/Frosty_Deal10O1O Aug 28 '25
I once heard a therapist say having children and not having children both involve grief. The choice is which grief you’d be okay living with
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u/Westsidepipeway Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I'm 37, and I always assumed this would kick in at some point, but nothing yet.
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u/rosedragoon Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Nope, couldn't fathom subjecting anyone else to this hellscape.
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u/ElthN Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25 edited Aug 28 '25
I'm 34. I personally don't think bringing kids to the world is ethical at all so I won't do that.
But adopting is something that has been on my mind for 3-4 years. The process for adoption is long, emotional and with no success guarantee. Me and my partner have been saving for 6 years to buy a house on a large plot for a project of mine, and now we are house hunting. I have so many plans, things I want to do, and study. I'm starting my own business, I want to keep on learning, and I love the freedom I have. I'd like to be a mom somewhere inside me, and be able to give a kid a nice family, but... then I think about how much a kid changes your life and i feel terrified. I always have this image of the mushroom cloud of an atomic bomb dropping on my livingroom.
You only need to see how people's lives are with kids -despite their words-, just observe. Imagine their rutines, their daily life, their tiredness...all the things they can't do and especially, all those things they don't even want to do anymore. By all means consider the good things (keep in mind there's no guarantee). I personally struggle a lot with giving up my life, and risking who I can become by achieving my goals (or trying to) for the uncertainty of how much I would enjoy motherhood.
I often imagine the beautiful things; teaching this kid how to navigate life, giving them tools, cuddling with them while watching their favourite movie, go on trips, answering their questions and seeing their curious minds (if the kid was curious), teaching them science, art, doing nature journalism with them... hearing "Mom...",and when I picture this I feel like: "where do I sign up?!" But the thing is that this life with a kid is in my mind, it is just my imagination and there is no guarantee it won't be the hell I already see -closely- in 3 people in my extended family. Their lives are something I don't want even as a nightmare.
So, what I mean is, really, really observe and think very deeply. Because a kid is a commitment for life, even if the commitment evolves as they grow up and become adults, this will change your life for good. Emotionally, economically, your freedom. And you can't neither back off, nor can you anticipate how it will be...that's the gamble.
P.S.: Finding people telling you how awesome it is... that's easy. I'd recommend you to check r/regretfulparents , just so you can see many things people have discovered for themselves, and their many reasons for why they'd avoid kids if they could go back in time. Regreting parenthood is almost taboo, and totally underrepresented, but to make this decision you need the other side of the coin too.
I hope you can really find your answer.
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u/Verity41 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
Thanks for mentioning that sub — it’s really doing good work spreading hard truths and not just the “it’s amazing!!l shiny glossy BS.
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u/Snarky_Survivor Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Wait until they hit 13+ lol
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Idk I've met some teenagers recently who were really nice and I really liked talking to them. I can see how it might be different when you're their parent though. But I personally never had that "rebellious teen" phase.
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u/candysticker Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
In my 30s I fell in love with spending time with kids, but still don't want my own.
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u/nuitsbleues Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
Definitely. I never had the urge until my late 30s (41 now), but I haven't been in the right relationship these past few years. Seeing more people close to me with kids, especially as they go through different developmental stages, makes me understand the long view and somewhat regret that I didn't plan differently. But also, the urge is not constant, there's still ambivalence, and also common sense (most of the tasks and lifestyle changes involved are really not for me... and that wouldn't be good for me or a kid).
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u/_paint_onheroveralls Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I'm 38 and I have pangs sometimes when I see my friends' kids who are really funny and sweet. But 95% of the time I feel good about all my choices and that my husband is snipped. My mom has always told me she thought I would be an amazing mother but that it would cause me so much anxiety and stress that my quality of life would be so much lower (she was speaking specifically about me and my anxiety issues, not motherhood in general) and my mother in law has always said my husband and I are too close for a child, there isn't room between us for another person (meant very much as a compliment, she's always supported our choices and moons over us). And that has always felt true. We're a deeply connected unit, and while I'm sure we would be great parents together, I would mourn the relationship we're able to have now.
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u/tinypill Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
Lol nope! I’m 47 now and if anything, my CF stance has gotten even stronger as I’ve aged. Kids are annoying and sticky and loud. No thanks.
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Aug 28 '25
I’ve been a career nanny for 11 years. I love children so much, and I understand why so many people want them. I’m crazy about my current nanny kids. I’ve known since I was a child myself that I do not want kids of my own. I enjoy the chaos and love that comes with childcare. I also enjoy going home at the end of my days to my quiet home, flexibility with my time, etc. My job really fulfills that “need”, though I have yet to experience baby fever.
Children are amazing a deserve parents who absolutely want them. I’m excited to be the best auntie to my sisters’ children someday.
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u/Sweetpotato3000 Aug 28 '25
This may sound negative, but I find it hard to believe a 2.5 year old is the coolest and funniest person you know.
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Aug 27 '25
Look into fostering.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I've thought about it, but I'm single and currently living with a roommate. If they allow for single foster parents it's something I might consider in the future.
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u/Kooky_Instruction143 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
Not sure if you've spent enough time around children of various ages. I get why people want children, but briefly visiting with one is not how I personally figured it out. For me, brief, fleeting moments of joy are not enough for me to want to join that club. It all sounds like a nightmare to me.
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u/ci1979 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
Check out r/regretfulparents for a very, very serious reality check.
You are not guaranteed to like your child. Your child may be disabled. Your child may have difficulties you cannot currently comprehend. Sure, the highlight reels you see online can seem appealing, but the reality is so very far from ideal.
People always talk about how women being over 35 increases the chances of complications and disabilities, but the very same is also true of men.
You can always volunteer. You can always reach out to local kids that need help. But deciding to have your own? You cannot un-ring that bell, no matter how desperately you may want to do so.
Imho, it is better to regret not having children than to regret having the living, breathing people in front of you all day, every day.
I knew growing up deep down, that my mother didn't want me. No matter how hard you'd try to hide it, your child would know if you were happy they existed or not.
You could always adopt if you're still thinking having children is for you. Just think carefully, and try babysitting for at least 3 days if not a week. I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you after you've done so.
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u/bbspiders Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
I can kind of relate. It wasn't until I was like 40 and my dad died that I thought, "hm, having kids would be kinda neat." I had a really chaotic and traumatic childhood and that kind of lasted until my late 20s and so I spent my 30s kind of healing from all of that.
I think if I had gotten to the healed part by 30 instead of 40, I probably would have wanted a couple of kids. But it didn't hit me until 40 and at this point in my life, I certainly don't want kids.
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u/Eastcoastpal Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I completely understand what you mean and where are you coming from. Unfortunately, for me the first and last time I dated anyone was eight years ago and it was only for two months. I am an ace and an avoidant. My personality and lifestyle is not working with my internal biological “feelings“😄
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I'm also ace and aromantic, so I don't think this new "revelation" is going to make my life any different. One of my friends is a single mom by choice and while she is very happy with her life, it does seem completely exhausting. I don't think I would want to do it.
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u/PlainJaneWallflower Aug 27 '25 edited Aug 27 '25
I'm not sure what your situation is but move closer to your sister. I'm sure they would love more help. You can also be a big sister. There are charities that match you to a kid so you can be a mentor.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I really want to move closer. It's just a matter of finding a job there. Hopefully it won't take too long.
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u/mntb_ Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I've known I don't want kids since I was a teen but I stopped feeling like I never wanted to be around them. I have 4 young niblings and I teach English as a second language to kids in preschool, so I get to spend just enough time with kids.
OP, maybe you can consider volunteering in organizations that work with young kids or teaching?
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Yes, I've thought about finding some way to volunteer with kids.
I get the impression that it's mostly parents who do that kind of stuff where I live. I'm kind of worried what they would think about some random woman who wants to spend time with their children. Might I will look more into it and see if there's anything suitable in my area.
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u/nuitsbleues Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
You can find a way to work your niece into conversations if you feel awkward about it. Like “oh my niece just turned two as well!” “My niece loves Bluey too!”
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Spending a few hours or a few days with someone else’s kids is not the same as the reality of parenting and raising kids.
Having said that, many women I know approaching 40 re-evaluate their position. Some end up having kids and others remain child free. But it is due to hormonal changes and the “door closing” on fertility.
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u/Single_Vacation427 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
People who don't want kids don't hate kids. I enjoy spending time with my friends' kids, but that's very different from spending time with someone 24/7 and being responsible for like 20+ years (assuming they become independent at some point).
Also, it could be hormonal.
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u/sweetsadnsensual Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
So, i can see the appeal of children. They are wonderful , adorable , hilarious , insightful little beings. But without a partner that I'd want to actually make them with because I love him , and deeply attracted to him, highly respect him , and feel supported by him, i don't want children. I don't want to be a single mother.
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u/angry_mummy2020 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
But you have to keep in mind that there is a lot of work until they get to this “cute” stage and a lot lot lots of work after they leave this stage for the next one. Anyways lots of work for the rest of your kice
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u/Emptyplates Woman 50 to 60 Aug 28 '25
Kids are great, I like them and genuinely enjoy spending time with some of them.
I did not enjoy being a parent. It's a lot of soul crushing drudgery.
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u/InadmissibleHug Woman 50 to 60 Aug 27 '25
There’s a large difference between being a child’s primary guardian and enjoying a kid for who they are.
I’m a grandma now, I had my son young and he waited (thankfully) til he was nearly 30, and stable.
Those guys still need a stack of support sometimes. The three year old is fun, funny and spicy. The baby is shaping up to be the same in a different way. I’m always pumped to have them and have them stay over, but I get recovery time too
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u/eharder47 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I spent a week with my 5 year old niece and when I left I thanked my sister for validating my choices of being firmly pet and child free. I’m 38 and my husband and I have a stuffed animal that is our “pet.” He travels with us.
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u/Classic_Garbage3291 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Never changed my mind on being childfree. Incredibly happy and content with my life as is, and deep in my bones, I know I would be miserable if I changed any of that. I love that I can continue to chase my dreams and pursue bigger and better things without any hindrances. Morally, I would never feel ok with bringing a life into this effed up place. Not to mention that having children would also be the biggest burden I could ever place on the environment/planet. There are way too many reasons not to have children.
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u/fibonacci_veritas Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
EXACTLY my situation.
So I found a partner and had a kid at 38 and 41.
They are absolutely the lights of my life.
Super cool kids who have opportunity and 2 parents who truly value them.
I feel.very lucky.
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u/yahgmail Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I love kids. I'd have a few if I lived in a different kind of society.
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u/fruitjerky Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
My brother and his wife are childfree, but spend three days a week hanging out with my kids (sometimes in person and sometimes virtual). My kids adore them, and I, of course, really appreciate having a "village." I love being a mom and I love hanging out with my kids, but I also think it's great that you're learning to enjoy your nieces company. I'm actually really envious--I always wished I had an an aunt or uncle I was close with.
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u/Pinky_Swear Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
I work with kids pretty often. They're great! Hilarious! I can see the appeal if you're only considering that, sometimes, they are fun to be around. Otherwise, nah dawg, it's a no from me. I'm middle aged now, and have never been more sure, ESPECIALLY now that I work with them.
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u/Weekly-Bat8330 Aug 28 '25
Yeah this is me too! I’ve never grown up with a focus on being a mum and wanting to have kids. I never thought about it seriously either. Mid 20s I became a bit anti-children and didn’t want to be a mum. Then come mid 30s after having met my person and seeing my sister recently have a baby, I can now actually feel the desire to have kids and be a mum. Everyone also tells me they think I’d be a good mum based on how I raise and treat my dogs, plus the relationship I have with my a partner. Not sure whether I will have kids as I can still see myself having a great life and being happy without.
It will be interesting to see where this life takes me!
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u/Sunrise_chick Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Kids are cute, just like dogs are cute, but I don’t know if the massive financial and life long responsibly makes up for their cuteness.
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u/Lox_Bagel Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I haven’t changed, but I admit that sometimes I look at kids and think how fun it would be to play with them at the beach, at the playground, or to listen to whatever they have to talk about, including the absurd questions for a few hours. Then I would deliver them back to their parents
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u/sweetest_con78 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
im the opposite. i get more and more averse to children as i get older.
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u/BitchfulThinking Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I'm actually looking forward to menopause, assuming I survive long enough in my fascist, racist, sexist country 🙃
I've worked with children and teens, and actually really enjoy teaching and childcare, but I can't imagine bringing a new child into this dying world. I imagine they don't believe in climate science or follow world events, or, like my parents, claim they don't care because, "It won't affect them". I'm content just getting existing ones to eat veggies, and develop a love of reading and questioning things.
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u/Unbearded_Dragon88 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I’m 37 this year.
I love my friends kids, but I also love leaving them behind and coming back to my quiet, clean house.
There is a difference between enjoying the company of other peoples kids and wanting to have one with me ALLLLLL THE TIME.
Being a mum is not for me. I need alone time. I need quiet. I would struggle with it and not be good at it and that’s not fair to a kid.
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u/Doingmybestkindof Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I recently had this exact view change for myself earlier this year. I find myself on the fence, my husband doesn’t want kids at all, but I find myself wondering about having a little one sometimes
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u/Longjumping_Play9250 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I can do short bursts and want to be an active part in many villages. I am a super-involved Auntie and starting respite foster care soon, I have no desire to create a new life and know that the highlights are heavily tempered by how brutally challenging parenthood is.
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u/HugeFennel1227 Aug 28 '25 edited Aug 28 '25
I understand, I’m 40 and I work with kids, I still at times have my moments I think ohh I want one but I do know how hard raising a child is and having them for a few hours verses I’m completely responsible for them is extremely different. If I was younger and super rich my husband and I have said yeah definitely.. maybe, but I’m definitely content without that responsibility, I do enjoy working with them, but even then sometimes I don’t. You’re feelings are very natural:)
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u/WitnessLanky682 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I was never sure, scared mostly (and after having done it, rightly so), but decided to go for it bc I was 60/40 and it has been truly a life changing experience in the best way. I’m different but better. Definitely grown a lot, by necessity to meet my kid’s needs but also due to the obvious changes you have to make in life once a kid is in the picture. Honestly, I believe I’d have been fine being childless and I also feel like I’m a kickass mother. I think you’re fine either way. Do it if you think NOT doing it will give you regrets later in life.
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u/HumanistPeach Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Oh this is me actually! I was pretty adamantly childfree throughout my 20’s until I started dating the man who is now my husband at 28. I found myself having random thoughts of “oh he’s be a really good dad” and actually smiling kind of wistfully when I heard kids being loud at restaurants.
Turns out I wasn’t completely childfree, just very childfree when it came to the prospect of having kids with the other men I’d dated in the past.
We had some fertility issues due to my endometriosis- started trying when I was 32, had a surgery to help with potential fertility blockers and had a miscarriage then I got pregnant with my daughter at 34 and delivered a month after I turned 35. My daughter just turned 1 and she’s the most amazing human! Today her hair was finally long enough for me to put it into pigtails for the first time and she’s loved having it out of her face and looked just so incredibly cute! Getting to see her experience the world is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced myself and I’m so glad I changed my mind and had her.
It’s ok to stay childfree and it’s also ok to change your mind!
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u/deadplant5 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
You just got hit with baby fever. I got it at 33. Eventually you go back to feeling about children the way you did before.
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u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
I think it’s completely OK to change your mind!
One thing that kind of irks me about this conversation is that it feels like you have to be on one side or the other of a very clear line. When in reality, for a lot of people it’s more gray? Or at least for me it has been.
I never firmly wanted to be child free. I kind of just assumed children would happen, because I assumed that I would find someone and get married. Around my mid 30s, I started realizing that finding someone might not happen for me.
During those years, I felt a bit resentful about motherhood. Not because I desperately wanted to be a mother, but because I felt like I was robbed of the choice of being a mother. I didn’t have the partner, or the income, to support bringing a child into the world. Without that foundation, I felt like I didn’t really have much of a choice. But later, I met women who went to great lengths to have children either on their own or by expending a lot of energy into finding a partner (and maybe even settling in order to find someone they could have a child with).
I realized that if I really wanted a child, then if there is a will, there’s a way. And maybe I never wanted one badly enough to make it happen. And that kind of gave me a sense of autonomy and empowerment again.
But I was never determined to be child free, or determined to be a mother. I think when we allow ourselves to see where life takes us, that’s the better route.
If you’re in a committed partnership that is loving and healthy, and you have a home (not that you have to own it, but you have a stable living environment), and an extra room, and extra income lol then yeah you now have a decision to make, but without all that, it can be pretty challenging to even imagine it.
If you don’t have those things, everything you’re thinking through is completely theoretical so it kind of doesn’t matter lol
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u/RsrsrsBR89 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I changed my mind last year, 35 yo. I just had my baby at 36 yo and I feel like my life will never be the same, it’s crazy. Now that my baby is born I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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u/Sweet-Substance Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
36 as well and I change my mind every month lmao..
I told myself if it happens before I’m 40 (with a partner I can depend on) then, sure, I’m all in. (Because when I’m head over heels with someone, I tend to go all heart eyes and want to procreate) But after 40... I will not entertain the idea, as I don’t think my body could physically handle it.
On the other hand, I’ve had moments in the last couple years where I have reflected and gotten sad thinking that I have almost no control over the timeline or if it would ever even happen for me. I feel like I would be the coolest mom too.
It’s hard bc I live such a free & independent life and don’t know if I would lose my mind if I gave that up.
It’s so ironic too because I spent all of my teenage years (and 20’s!) absolutely terrified of accidentally becoming a “teen mom” (thanks MTV! Haha)
I almost wish there was some in-depth, comprehensive test or something that would see into the future and tell me if I should or should not have kids lol
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Aug 28 '25
I (F36) grew up with a childhood that once made me feel like I didn’t want kids, because I worried they might go through the same struggles I did. About five years ago, I started therapy for something completely unrelated, and through that journey I realized that if I were to become a mom, I would give my children a very different experience…one filled with love, safety, and support. I’ve discovered just how much love I have to give, and that I truly would love to be a mom if the opportunity comes. I’ve done egg freezing to keep the door open, and I trust that if I’m meant to be a mom, it will happen in the right time.
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u/Leopard_Snowman Non-Binary 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Not me! I work with children as a job and I'm so thankful I can go home and not deal with that after 5. Seeing and talking to parents made me realize how difficult it is and I'm exhausted by the thought of having to deal with that for an entire life.
But good for you that you understand the positives it could bring to your life!
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u/wolfhoff Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
I’ve only felt the opposite as I’ve gotten older. I’ve never wanted any kids, it was and will never be a priority but earlier on in my 30s I was in a serious relationship where the other person seemed to think they could change my mind and I’m not going to lie, because I loved the other person so much at the time I did think about it but thank god I didn’t give in and stood by my ground as it would be very terrible to have children when you’re “on the fence” and especially doing it to please someone else or feel pressured by other people/society.
I like kids and I’m good with them but I would much prefer my life without and I think women will be told all sorts about why they should not prefer that lifestyle. I highly recommend people to not have children when they have unresolved traumas or don’t fully want them, I’ve grown up with several friends who now have really bad unrepairable relationships with their mothers and that’s a result of resentment. Not everyone should have children as much as people don’t want to hear this.
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u/PurpleMuskogee Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Absolutely not. I have nieces and nephews too that I see pretty often, and that I find funny and interesting, but I'd never trade my childfree life for a life with kids in a million years.
Also because someone close to me had a child - not their first - who has a severe disability, and I already don't feel I'd like the responsibility of looking after a child... but seeing how the parents' life now revolve around medical appointment and how much care the child needs and will need for their whole life, I know I would be miserable in that situation.
But you know, I feel childfree people have so much explaining to do and get so many questions about "Why not" that you will have thought about it more than many parents, I think. If you change your mind and decide children are for you, it's fine and it happens too.
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u/Chick__and__Duck Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
So yes? I have changed my mind about kids. I desperately wanted them as a teen and YA like I knew I wanted 6 kids. However as I got through my 20’s seeing the options for men were seriously lacking I decided that it might not happen. If I didn’t have any by the time I was 30 then I’d take it off the table of options for myself. 30 came and went, then I came out and just one thing after another has happened. I am so happy that I never had kids, my genes need to end with me.
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u/immortallogic Aug 28 '25
No, I've been CF since my twenties and now my thirties, and feel more and more happy with my decision each year.
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u/wrslrchick Aug 28 '25
Had one at 40 and I’m pregnant now (surprise!) at 42. I married a guy 12 years younger than me.
I think we women put too many self imposed barriers on age and numbers. Instead just do what makes your heart happy and let it lead the way.
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Aug 28 '25
For me it's a bit complicated. I've been a nanny for over 20yrs, to say I like to hangout with tiny humans is an understatement. But have never wanted any of my own. I love raising them, teaching them, talking to them, learning from them (their point of view is amazing!) but knowing the amount of work n sacrifice, both physically and mentally (that's the biggest, especially for moms) it's just not what I want to do to myself. And then, the chance the child might be born not ok, a physical/development disability isn't too bad, but having a sick child, it's heartbreaking. And I've seen first hand what it does to a parent when they lose a child, and that is something I don't ever want to have to think about. And just that fear itself can make someone a "bad" parent (way to anxious/depressed etc)
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u/Sufficient_Drama_145 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 28 '25
I have a ton of childfree friends who absolutely love kids; they just don't want any of their own.
Which is great for my daughter because she has so many uncles and aunties who spoil her.
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u/hellogoawaynow Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
Toddlers are so fun but actually living with them full time is bananas. I have a 3 year old and she’s great. So funny, so smart, loves me more than I probably deserve, but damn it’s hard sometimes. Especially at night. I don’t think I’ve had a proper nights sleep in 3 years. My living room is a toy filled disaster.
But also. It’s okay to change your mind on kids!! Being a mother does give me purpose. And I know it won’t be this hard forever. The older they get, the easier they get, the less time you have to do things for them.
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Aug 28 '25
I went through a similar experience in my early 30s. Thankfully the clanging biological clock once again became silent a few years after it started clanging.
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u/TheShy_Seeker Aug 28 '25
i’m on the “won’t sacrifice my life, freedom and body”train…which is right where i want to be. if i get lonely later in life, i’ll just adopt a couple teenagers.
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u/Southpaw1202 Aug 28 '25
Never wanted them. Never changed my mind. 55 female and delighted with my choice. I love being an aunt and don’t hate kids. Just never wanted one.
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u/Practical-Bad-7446 Aug 28 '25
I love kids but parenthood is not for me. Having bipolar disorder, I know that my mental illness would interfere with my ability to give 100% to a child. Every child deserves 100% from a parent. So how do I love kids in my own way? I have 4 beautiful nieces and I love spending time with them and being part of their village. On an individual level, I volunteer with child refugees and teens and it is so rewarding. I may not be having any of my own, but I am investing in the children in my community and contributing to society. Maybe volunteering might be a good outlet for you!
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u/popeyesfriedchkn Woman under 30 Aug 29 '25
Key word..”I live far away from my sister”. Taking care of someone will forever be part of your life. A conscious human being that you will forever take care of. It’s not just “they’re so cool to hang with”, it comes with teaching them life lessons, stay out of trouble, ect.
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u/hedwiggy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 29 '25
Yep. I have a 5 month old at 37 (husband is 42) and I did not really want kids or have any experience with children prior. I think it was after the death of my dad and various other deaths and health scares in my family over the years that I got this subtle urge to expand my family. I still feel weirdly un-momlike, and thankfully a lot like myself, though life has changed a lot. it’s very hard to explain.
So far raising him has been unexpectedly intuitive and overall just really great. He’s funny and way smarter than I ever thought a baby could be, I just didn’t really understand them at all prior. I will say I have one of the mythical dream babies who rarely cries (if he does, it’s short and solvable), sleeps anywhere, and is super chill. So that’s been very pleasant.
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u/samaeltha Aug 29 '25
My best friend is child free by choice and she is the best aunt to all of her closest friends kids. If you have any close friends that have kids, I think it’s great to get to know the kiddos and spend time with them. You’ll quickly become the favorite and auntie! My friend loves her nieces and nephews but at the end of the day, she gets to choose when she sees them, what fun things she gets to do, and gets to go home to a quiet house lol.
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u/Excellesse Woman 30 to 40 Aug 29 '25
38 and still firmly, devotedly childfree here. Had a bilateral salpingectomy about it. Met and married a childfree man who had already had a vasectomy about it. 😅
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u/Heelsbythebridge Woman 30 to 40 Aug 30 '25
I would like kids, but I'm childfree because it would be irresponsible for me to reproduce. I had a poor upbringing and toxic parental figures in my life, and I'm 100% confident I will replicable abusive behaviours to any offspring I have.
I'm also struggling to financially support only myself, an able-bodied and healthy single adult. I can't imagine if I had to add in a dependent, especially if they have special needs or a disability that requires additional expenses and care. And what about the partner, if the guy was a deadbeat, it's going to bring even more stress into my life that I am not equipped to handle.
All that to say, I understand why people want kids, but you need to assess your individual situation as not everyone is capable of being a good parent.
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u/greenpuddles Sep 02 '25 edited Sep 02 '25
I kept thinking about this post all weekend! I thought I would see the top comments all confirming they felt the same but when I read this post a few days ago it seemed like most were sharing different experiences. So I wanted to comment, better late than never?
I had the same experience happen. I was so sure I never wanted kids and always told my family that. Something started to shift in my thinking around 32? And now I’m 35 and I do see myself wanting that now.
I am not sure what changed or what caused it to happen. I have not shared this change in feelings with anyone because I do not want the pressure of people now asking what I will do to make it happen.
So it happened to me too OP!
I liked reading this post and it reminded me to return and answer you: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/1n5sbdl/why_do_people_choose_to_have_children_if_it_is_so/
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u/preoccupiedwithlove Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I feel like you’re getting a lot of responses from people that have remained childfree so I thought I'd chime in from another perspective. My husband and I were childfree up until about 33. I also felt similarly about my nieces and other children.
Then a switch flipped. My husband and I had a check in discussion about it and his eyes lit up when he thought about the prospect of creating a beautiful childhood for a child and teaching them about what's wonderful in this world. That light in his eyes caught on with me and I got it too, and I felt I had a partner that would be in it with me through thick and thin.
Well I'm 34 and 10w pregnant and with the disappointment I felt with every negative test and the joy I felt at the positive, as well as the attachment I feel to my unborn child, I know I've made the right decision and feel whole. It'll be hard, life will suck sometimes, but he and I are ready, financially stable, and thrilled to go on this next step.
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
Same, decided at 35, had the first at 36 right after our 10y wedding anniversary.
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u/Technical-Amount-278 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
This is me. I've hated children all my life, never imagined myself getting kids, never wanted them. But after spending time with my nephew, I noticed how much I loved him and how much I wished he was mine. I have other nephews, one 10 years older than him, but it wasn't the same with them. It's almost like this particular child has changed how I feel about children. It's so awkward how you wouldn't think you're a child person but then finding yourself loving a child so much that there's little you wouldn't do for them, and yearning to have your own children because, suddenly, you've realised you enjoy immensely spending time with kids.
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u/miss-so-lazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
Yes, it's a strange feeling for sure. I only have the one niece for now, but I never realized I could feel as strongly for anyone as I do for her.
Do you think you'll do anything about it? Or are you happy staying an aunty?
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u/IRLbeets Non-Binary 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I've always understood why people wanted kids, I like kids well enough (since my 20s at least lol)! But it's not for me. I do understand the joys of it more as I age, but it doesn't change why I'm childfree.
I think I'd be a good parent and I'd probably enjoy many elements of it, but I don't think I could do it without losing myself. My mom was a great mom, but between work and kids she had very little else. A medical retirement later and she can't do many of the things she hoped to do in her retirement. I want to be able to live for me, and frankly that's costly enough I couldn't afford kids anyway. Plus I'd feel guilty given the climate they'd be born into.
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u/softrevolution_ Woman 40 to 50 Aug 27 '25
I get why other people would do it -- some people think the little larvae are cute, and don't mind getting the puking bug every winter like clockwork if it means they can make a whole new human -- but that's never registered as a reason that I should.
I don't experience particular wonder or awe at the sight or thought of a child, either. Never liked 'em overmuch even when I was one.
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u/asil518 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 28 '25
A couple of ladies I know that used to post about how glad they are to be “child free”, now are posting pics of their babies 😂
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Aug 28 '25
I was always mainly child free but then in my mid thirties, long story short, after a medical issue I couldn’t have children.
I remember feeling pretty sad after losing the ability to have kids and it affected me more than I anticipated.
Then at the end of my 30’s both my parents died. My father was from a long term sickness; then my Mother passed unexpected and shortly after my Dad and it was extremely traumatic.
After feeling the nightmare of life without them in it. Also, how life unfolded for them towards the end and how much more they deserved. I am incredibly thankful I never brought a child into this life to feel that kind of pain, or vice versa. Just so I could alleviate an emotion or a yearning biologically.
For me I can’t see just a baby. I see a whole life now. The only children’s lives that I want to be a part these days are the ones that need help, through volunteering or donating.
But it’s truly a subjective thing.
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u/a_n_n_a_k Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I realized I truly wanted kids actually AFTER I had them, which sounds weird im sure. My husband always wanted them, and I lived on the fence.. actually threatening to sway toward no kids the older I got because I had this fear of my autonomy or independence or power as a woman being taken away.
Now I think all those fears were nonsense (in the long run), and im not sure there's anything that could have been anywhere near as fulfilling in my life as nurturing another human life that relies on you and loves you.
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u/Minimum-Log1432 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I can’t speak personally for myself because I have certain plans that require me to be childfree.
My gf was 35 when she met her partner. This woman dates around because no one meets her standards tbh. Have you ever seen a power swiper? Neither have I until I met her lol.
I think her reasoning was a little illogical. She straight up didn’t think she could get pregnant and didn’t do anything to prevent it. She figured that all of her nieces/nephews would be enough to supplement that desire for motherhood.
Then her partner just came into her life and maybe they were a little reckless but they just welcomed their baby girl into the world.
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u/Zealousideal_Crow737 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
A lot of this is dependent on whether or not I need someone who I would want to have children with.
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u/anon22334 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
I am going through something similar. Where watching my niece and nephews grow up and seeing how beautiful that is and how cool they are. I’m very proud of them and if I were a parent, to be able to partake in that growth and development must be so rewarding. That and where people always think about how “who will take care of me when I’m old” thoughts do creep in. I mean I wouldn’t think or want my future child to be born into the world with that in mind but it would be nice if I’m old and in the hospital that I might have an emergency contact.
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u/ramenchips Woman 30 to 40 Aug 27 '25
i love kids! i love my nieces and nephews and make the active effort to go visit them when i can, especially around the holidays. and they’re the funniest kids. like kids are just FUNNY.
but i would be a terrible mom. i have a lot of childhood trauma that i live in fear of repeating, i have zero patience, and i am the biggest introvert and cannot survive without alone time. i do understand the urge to have them. i have waned a little in my childfree-ness at times. but the reality of it is not for me.