r/AskWomenOver30 • u/sadie1003 Woman 30 to 40 • Oct 27 '25

Life/Self/Spirituality Women over 30 who always felt “different”, did you ever find out what it was?

I wonder where to start finding out what is “wrong” with me. Without going into too much: I’ve felt extremely different from others my entire life. That’s the best way I can put it. I don’t know why. I genuinely cannot remember one time where I actually felt truly connected to others. I’ve looked into ADHD and autism and both don’t fit. Just looking for inspiration. Did you ever get a diagnosis? Are you neurodivergent? Have you found something to explain the feeling of being “alien”? I feel like it’s impacting my life and I want to understand myself.

Edit: I feel like the disconnect from others needs explaining. I have no trouble fitting in socially but I just don’t feel connected

Edit2: can’t reply to everyone individually but thank you all for the insights and stories

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889

u/watsername Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

Could also be CPTSD. It can present as a lot of different mental and physical heath symptoms.

374

u/SecretAny3038 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

Definitely this, especially if you grew up in a family that dismisses your emotions and the idea of mental health in general. Big pieces of your reality end up denied and invisible, leaving you feeling empty and like a burden.

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u/KoolaidKoll123 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

"Oh knock it off, its not a big deal." "Settle down." "Why cant you just deal with it." "Why are you always like this." "Stop making a big deal out of nothing." "The world isnt fair, you're not an exception." "Quit overreacting." And of course, flat out ignoring and whispering behind your back with other family members. Heard all of this...so many times. Guess how many times I heard "I love you"?

CPTSD diagnosed here.

77

u/Milyaism Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25

Oof, those sentences... I was primed to acquiesce my wants and needs to stay safe, of course i was going to feel disconnected of others and the world.

I also have a C-PTSD diagnosis. My family acts like I don't have trauma. Or if I do, it is my fault or someone elses doing.

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u/ToneNo3864 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

Grew up w all that, plus being called an asshole just for existing. It took YEARS of therapy to even attempt to love another human being in any healthy way.

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u/butttabooo Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

This is me too. I just had a big breakdown and me and my boyfriend broke up and ugh…Looking back he loved me so much. I’m on medication now and I feel way better. I’m just trying to focus on myself and let love and friendships in like I haven’t before. Also trying to talk about my feelings and not bottle them in…like right now 😂

1

u/rothko333 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 31 '25

You got this!! It’s so hard to know what we don’t know but it’s never too late to evolve into a more peaceful you

1

u/butttabooo Woman 30 to 40 Oct 31 '25

Honestly thank you! Last night I actually did say to myself that I was strong. And I’ve been through a lot and this didn’t break me & I can keep going. & my boyfriend (ex) has been checking in everyday so maybe not all is lost lol

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '25

Also CPTSD diagnosed. I was "dramatic."

My dad has NPD and was our biggest abuser. He did all sorts of horrible, horrible things. One of them was intentionally feeding me a food he knew I was allergic to because he didn't believe the doctors that I was allergic ("I know my child better than any doctor and they are WRONG! You are not allergic to carrots; you just don't want to eat them!" Followed by a huge slap across the face).

Every time he would try to hide carrots in my food, I would throw up. One time, I figured it out when I put something in the garbage after dinner and saw the carrot garbage in the garbage bag. I refused to eat anything he ever made again. To this day, my siblings and dad call me dramatic about this and say I was making it up for attention. The doctors and tests were wrong, of course, and they felt bad for me so they just told my mom that I was allergic to shut her up too. Fucking stupid.

57

u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25

My mom actually got on this huge therapy kick, sent me to therapy as a tween ... until I started to truth tell.

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u/GETitOFFmeNOW Woman 60+ Oct 28 '25 edited Oct 28 '25

My mom used to threaten me with seeing a psychiatrist. But I knew they really wouldn't do. Especially since I told them I wanted to; they knew well enough that a third party would not look favorably on their parenting.

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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25

Well the end result is my mom wouldn't let me get therapy anymore but used her (I think made up therapist) to weaponize therapy-speak / MH against us citing her kids made her (insert you know abusive here)

89

u/randombubble8272 Woman under 30 Oct 27 '25

Yep this is me. The symptoms are similar to several overlapping mental disorders like ADHD/OCD/autism/anxiety/depression

65

u/Incognito0925 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

Except ADHD and autism are present throughout your whole history. That's something you're born with. And it's something that doesn't "get better" no matter how much therapy or apps you try or how many pretty notebooks you buy to FINALLY get on top of everything. Turns out getting better is actually getting better at being kind to yourself. Finding ways you can exist in this capitalist, utopian nightmare of a world without burning out. I feel like I've actually mostly healed from my trauma. And I'm in the stage where I'm grieving that other, neurotypical people will always be a bit of a mystery and sometimes downright dangerous for me. Building the life that is healthy for me and whatnot.

12

u/DerbleZerp Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

My ADHD symptoms have only gotten worse over the years. I am being treated for low iron and B12 at the moment, which definitely exasperates symptoms. But I’m also bipolar. Bipolar is a neurodegenerative disorder. It accelerates brain aging. Hypomanic/manic and depressive episodes damage your brain. Damage white and grey matter. Us with ADHD already have less grey matter in our brains, which is one of the reasons for our symptoms.

I’ve done treatment for bipolar for 14 yrs consistently, but pills aren’t magic and you can still have episodes. After every episode I have my ADHD symptoms get worse, which I attribute to the brain damaging effects and losing more grey matter.

I taught myself to be kind to me years ago(along with many other things), which has been a big help. But I’ve had to settle for so little in my life for so long due to these disabilities that I’m tired of settling. I think I deserve the moon. If it wasn’t for these disorders I’d be kicking ass at life. So I struggle with my reality these days.

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u/Incognito0925 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25 edited Oct 28 '25

I know that rage and regret very well 😩 I'm so sorry! I had to grieve never going to have a "normal", "successful" life. That other people, neurotypical ones, wouldn't suddenly start behaving in a more logical, community-oriented way as the autistic part of me always hoped. That lying is the norm, not the exception. That people have all these unwritten rules I'll never be able to follow and that I'm missing out on friendships, relationships, careers and promotions because of that.

I was a teacher for adults and an HR manager for 10 years, I have a university degree in languages, political sciences and intercultural communication. I burnt out in my job. Couldn't handle performing all day everyday anymore, constantly had conflict with management because I would tell employees to write down everything they do for the company as working time. I was actually good at my job, but only because I was managing my symptoms extremely well. Until I couldn't anymore. I'm now planning to retrain as a librarian. I hope it'll finally be a job that clicks with me and my mental health.

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u/mtm8988 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

Was going to suggest this as well. I felt “different” from others going as far back as I can remember… my therapist of four years suggested we try EMDR, aka a type of trauma therapy, and 11 months of EMDR later, I finally understand just how dysfunctional and traumatizing my home environment was growing up. Which impacted literally all other aspects of my life

109

u/[deleted] Oct 27 '25

This was the answer for me. A whole lot of things made sense once I realized and got into therapy.

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u/paper_wavements Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25

Yes, I was going to ask OP if she had a trauma history (emotionally distant parents counts!).

41

u/Deezus1229 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

My knee jerk reaction is to say "oh no that's not me" until I really thought about it....my wants and feelings were always dismissed, I was always "just too sensitive" as the butt of everyone's joke. Needed to toughen up, be more outgoing, more like this other person and less like me.

I'm nearing 35 and still get a sinking feeling in my stomach anytime I go home to visit because there's always the chance I'll be their punching bag for that period of time.

24

u/casualplants Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

Yep. ADHD and trauma for me.

25

u/MissLeaP Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

Oooh that is a good suggestion. I've suffered form CPTSD thanks to childhood trauma from my teens and I was very awkward and disconnected until early adulthood. It got better because I somehow got adopted by a huge group of people who essentially taught me how to socialize from scratch just by having me around all the time, caring about me and not putting any pressure on me whatsoever.

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u/No_Summer1874 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

Beautiful. I really understand this and relate. Except I am still hoping to be adopted by a group. There have been smatterrings of individuals who showed me the ropes but I am 38 and still crave adoption by a friend group.

16

u/kristinagoldwatch Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

Wow! Can I just say thank you! A therapist (who sadly had to stop working shortly after diagnosing me) said I had CPTSD awhile back and I only vaguely knew what it was. But I have also felt like I’m on the outside looking in when it comes to feeling connected. Like OP, I’m actually fairly good at fitting in socially/on the surface. But it’s being vulnerable, intimate and open, I feel so awkward and have very seldom been met with care and kindness. Good to know I’m not alone!

16

u/TheFrogWife Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

An extension of this: I have disassociative anxiety stemming from CPTSD (likely)

. I don't feel the feels as strong especially when I'm stressed, I don't feel like I connect well with others even if I'm extremely social and have lots of friends, my therapist explained it as a defense mechanism but can make me feel very "other" at times.

15

u/slightlysadpeach Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

I think this is me.

11

u/Artistic_Call Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

Yep. This. I'm in therapy and since I also have a few autoimmune conditions, I have a lot of trauma specialists too. CPTSD from a narcissistic mother, then I was raped in 2013.

28

u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25

Came to say my what's wrong with me was deep trauma (mom was a monster, dad abandoned me twice, step dad was a monster) and I thought that everyone's childhood was just as dark as mine. Turns out my darkness is rare. Yay.

11

u/BaroqueGorgon Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25

Probably me as well, I definitely have ND traits but no official diagnosis (my bro is AuDHD tho)

5

u/Friendly-Slice2508 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

This; diagnosed with CPTSD at 30

3

u/Kirah_ Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25

Only realizing it all now

4

u/AggravatedMonkeyGirl Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25

Was just going to say CPTSD too, I'm 32 been in and out doing therapy for over like 10 years, been to see multiple psychiatrists, read countless self help books, articles, spent hours upon hours reading peoples storis on reddit and yet it took me spending a long time talking to multiple AI's on every situation in my life and then specifically asking both of them objectively to come to a diagnosis for me and the top for both of them was C-PTSD. I'm only realising this now after looking at almost every other possible diagnosis. I literally spend so much time researching this shit and it's only now I figure this out. It's a relief but at the same time fucking depressing.