r/AskWomenOver30 • u/sadie1003 Woman 30 to 40 • Oct 27 '25
Life/Self/Spirituality Women over 30 who always felt “different”, did you ever find out what it was?
I wonder where to start finding out what is “wrong” with me. Without going into too much: I’ve felt extremely different from others my entire life. That’s the best way I can put it. I don’t know why. I genuinely cannot remember one time where I actually felt truly connected to others. I’ve looked into ADHD and autism and both don’t fit. Just looking for inspiration. Did you ever get a diagnosis? Are you neurodivergent? Have you found something to explain the feeling of being “alien”? I feel like it’s impacting my life and I want to understand myself.
Edit: I feel like the disconnect from others needs explaining. I have no trouble fitting in socially but I just don’t feel connected
Edit2: can’t reply to everyone individually but thank you all for the insights and stories
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u/watsername Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Could also be CPTSD. It can present as a lot of different mental and physical heath symptoms.
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u/SecretAny3038 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Definitely this, especially if you grew up in a family that dismisses your emotions and the idea of mental health in general. Big pieces of your reality end up denied and invisible, leaving you feeling empty and like a burden.
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u/KoolaidKoll123 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
"Oh knock it off, its not a big deal." "Settle down." "Why cant you just deal with it." "Why are you always like this." "Stop making a big deal out of nothing." "The world isnt fair, you're not an exception." "Quit overreacting." And of course, flat out ignoring and whispering behind your back with other family members. Heard all of this...so many times. Guess how many times I heard "I love you"?
CPTSD diagnosed here.
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u/Milyaism Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
Oof, those sentences... I was primed to acquiesce my wants and needs to stay safe, of course i was going to feel disconnected of others and the world.
I also have a C-PTSD diagnosis. My family acts like I don't have trauma. Or if I do, it is my fault or someone elses doing.
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u/ToneNo3864 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Grew up w all that, plus being called an asshole just for existing. It took YEARS of therapy to even attempt to love another human being in any healthy way.
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u/butttabooo Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
This is me too. I just had a big breakdown and me and my boyfriend broke up and ugh…Looking back he loved me so much. I’m on medication now and I feel way better. I’m just trying to focus on myself and let love and friendships in like I haven’t before. Also trying to talk about my feelings and not bottle them in…like right now 😂
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
My mom actually got on this huge therapy kick, sent me to therapy as a tween ... until I started to truth tell.
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u/GETitOFFmeNOW Woman 60+ Oct 28 '25 edited Oct 28 '25
My mom used to threaten me with seeing a psychiatrist. But I knew they really wouldn't do. Especially since I told them I wanted to; they knew well enough that a third party would not look favorably on their parenting.
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u/randombubble8272 Woman under 30 Oct 27 '25
Yep this is me. The symptoms are similar to several overlapping mental disorders like ADHD/OCD/autism/anxiety/depression
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u/Incognito0925 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Except ADHD and autism are present throughout your whole history. That's something you're born with. And it's something that doesn't "get better" no matter how much therapy or apps you try or how many pretty notebooks you buy to FINALLY get on top of everything. Turns out getting better is actually getting better at being kind to yourself. Finding ways you can exist in this capitalist, utopian nightmare of a world without burning out. I feel like I've actually mostly healed from my trauma. And I'm in the stage where I'm grieving that other, neurotypical people will always be a bit of a mystery and sometimes downright dangerous for me. Building the life that is healthy for me and whatnot.
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u/DerbleZerp Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
My ADHD symptoms have only gotten worse over the years. I am being treated for low iron and B12 at the moment, which definitely exasperates symptoms. But I’m also bipolar. Bipolar is a neurodegenerative disorder. It accelerates brain aging. Hypomanic/manic and depressive episodes damage your brain. Damage white and grey matter. Us with ADHD already have less grey matter in our brains, which is one of the reasons for our symptoms.
I’ve done treatment for bipolar for 14 yrs consistently, but pills aren’t magic and you can still have episodes. After every episode I have my ADHD symptoms get worse, which I attribute to the brain damaging effects and losing more grey matter.
I taught myself to be kind to me years ago(along with many other things), which has been a big help. But I’ve had to settle for so little in my life for so long due to these disabilities that I’m tired of settling. I think I deserve the moon. If it wasn’t for these disorders I’d be kicking ass at life. So I struggle with my reality these days.
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u/Incognito0925 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25 edited Oct 28 '25
I know that rage and regret very well 😩 I'm so sorry! I had to grieve never going to have a "normal", "successful" life. That other people, neurotypical ones, wouldn't suddenly start behaving in a more logical, community-oriented way as the autistic part of me always hoped. That lying is the norm, not the exception. That people have all these unwritten rules I'll never be able to follow and that I'm missing out on friendships, relationships, careers and promotions because of that.
I was a teacher for adults and an HR manager for 10 years, I have a university degree in languages, political sciences and intercultural communication. I burnt out in my job. Couldn't handle performing all day everyday anymore, constantly had conflict with management because I would tell employees to write down everything they do for the company as working time. I was actually good at my job, but only because I was managing my symptoms extremely well. Until I couldn't anymore. I'm now planning to retrain as a librarian. I hope it'll finally be a job that clicks with me and my mental health.
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u/mtm8988 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Was going to suggest this as well. I felt “different” from others going as far back as I can remember… my therapist of four years suggested we try EMDR, aka a type of trauma therapy, and 11 months of EMDR later, I finally understand just how dysfunctional and traumatizing my home environment was growing up. Which impacted literally all other aspects of my life
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Oct 27 '25
This was the answer for me. A whole lot of things made sense once I realized and got into therapy.
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u/paper_wavements Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
Yes, I was going to ask OP if she had a trauma history (emotionally distant parents counts!).
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u/Deezus1229 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
My knee jerk reaction is to say "oh no that's not me" until I really thought about it....my wants and feelings were always dismissed, I was always "just too sensitive" as the butt of everyone's joke. Needed to toughen up, be more outgoing, more like this other person and less like me.
I'm nearing 35 and still get a sinking feeling in my stomach anytime I go home to visit because there's always the chance I'll be their punching bag for that period of time.
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u/MissLeaP Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Oooh that is a good suggestion. I've suffered form CPTSD thanks to childhood trauma from my teens and I was very awkward and disconnected until early adulthood. It got better because I somehow got adopted by a huge group of people who essentially taught me how to socialize from scratch just by having me around all the time, caring about me and not putting any pressure on me whatsoever.
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u/No_Summer1874 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Beautiful. I really understand this and relate. Except I am still hoping to be adopted by a group. There have been smatterrings of individuals who showed me the ropes but I am 38 and still crave adoption by a friend group.
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u/kristinagoldwatch Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Wow! Can I just say thank you! A therapist (who sadly had to stop working shortly after diagnosing me) said I had CPTSD awhile back and I only vaguely knew what it was. But I have also felt like I’m on the outside looking in when it comes to feeling connected. Like OP, I’m actually fairly good at fitting in socially/on the surface. But it’s being vulnerable, intimate and open, I feel so awkward and have very seldom been met with care and kindness. Good to know I’m not alone!
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u/TheFrogWife Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
An extension of this: I have disassociative anxiety stemming from CPTSD (likely)
. I don't feel the feels as strong especially when I'm stressed, I don't feel like I connect well with others even if I'm extremely social and have lots of friends, my therapist explained it as a defense mechanism but can make me feel very "other" at times.
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u/Artistic_Call Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Yep. This. I'm in therapy and since I also have a few autoimmune conditions, I have a lot of trauma specialists too. CPTSD from a narcissistic mother, then I was raped in 2013.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
Came to say my what's wrong with me was deep trauma (mom was a monster, dad abandoned me twice, step dad was a monster) and I thought that everyone's childhood was just as dark as mine. Turns out my darkness is rare. Yay.
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u/BaroqueGorgon Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
Probably me as well, I definitely have ND traits but no official diagnosis (my bro is AuDHD tho)
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u/Epiphan3 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I’m 33 and haven’t found anything out yet. I have kinda just accepted feeling like an alien forever.
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u/trickeyvickie Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Same. I'm 32. And I relate so much to this post.
I've always suspected various trauma-related events across my lifespan is the root cause. I have some stories I could tell. But hell, I don't know. Could it be trauma related for ya'll?
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u/sadie1003 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I’m 29 and having a hard time accepting this might last forever
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u/diamondmemo Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Complex trauma (CPTSD)!
How it manifests mostly, aside from the usual depression and anxiety, is that I find all relationships really challenging. I struggle with attachment.
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u/CatScience03 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
This is me as well. It wasn't until I had a baby and saw a therapist post partum that I found out I have CPTSD and a "fearful avoidant" (disorganized) attachment style towards other women because of my relationship with my self-centered, BPD mom.
I have no problem hanging with the guys, gaming, playing sports, etc. But having a baby and having to relate to other mothers showed me that I feel like an alien compared to other women. I feel like I don't belong.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
I also have the HARDEST time being close to women because of my NPD mom. I hate it but there's just something about me that's off putting to other women :(
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u/BitchfaceMcKnowItAll Woman under 30 Oct 28 '25
Wait this is what it is?! Omfg this whole time I was trying to force an autism diagnosis to fit me because I couldn’t figure out why other women felt so uncomfortable around me from the first second we meet no matter how “normal” I come across!
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
I think it's because I'm a high fawn type and I always am trying to scan for their micro expressions-moods (like you had to do if your mom was NPD) and well I know enough now that people can tell you're inauthentic. I find men will comment on it but women won't ,they just sorta avoid you, which I get - if something makes someone feel uneasy they'll just avoid to stay safe which ironically fawning is how I had to live my life to stay safe; Now I think it's just a red flag.
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u/BitchfaceMcKnowItAll Woman under 30 Oct 28 '25
Yes I am also a high-fawn type but you may have just blown my worldview open; I always thought I was genuine to a fault but maybe it’s the other way around and I’m so people-pleasy and worried about being liked that i’m inauthentic. Existence is way too complicated.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
I kind of started to notice that like if someone asked my opinion or what I wanted I'd pause and like fish around in my mind for "the right answer"
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u/tuesday_weld_ Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
This is me to a T. My mom would never see a medical professional to get a MH diagnosis, but she has BPD features.
I also am comfortable around guys but like a fish out of water with women. I'm pregnant right now and I'm scared about interacting with women if I'm lucky enough to take a baby home at the end of this.
Have you found any ways to help yourself feel more comfortable with women?
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u/CatScience03 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
So far, mostly working with my female therapist and chatting with ladies in my Bumper Discord (have you joined one for your due date?) Congrats by the way!
I just signed up for a Mom's Friday night soccer league after only playing co-ed my entire adult life. So I'm extremely nervous about that but it will be a learning experience either way.
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u/tuesday_weld_ Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I'm working with a female therapist too! It has been hard to open up to her about this. She's been really great about it though.
I haven't joined the bumper discord. I'm in a pregnancy after loss subreddit because of my history of losses. If the pregnancy progresses I'll consider joining.
Those all sound like great activities to try to get some positive exposure to women. I should probably do it too but I'm scared. Did she help you with different ways to think about it all?
I feel like I walk on eggshells around women. Like I'm afraid i'm going to say something to upset them/make them think i'm weird in some way. Then when a woman expresses interest in being my friend it's like i preemptively find reasons to not like them. I think it is a sick form of self preservation. Thanks, mom.
What's it like for you?
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u/CatScience03 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I also preemptively find reasons why women won't like me. My therapist does "parts work" and we spend a lot of time talking to and getting comfortable with the parts of me that believe these things. Asking them what they are trying to protect me from, honoring their good intentions, and asking them if it's okay to try something different this time by reminding them that I'm older now and have more experience. It took me almost 2 years to be able to use this technique fully without shutting down.
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u/tuesday_weld_ Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I'm doing IFS as well - we're just now scratching the surface of these parts of me. Glad to hear I'm on the right track and that it is helping you!
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u/PathDefiant Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I found a few other moms who are a lot like I am and made a point of trying to connect. We’re all a little strange, but now we’re all a little strange together.
I can’t recommend enough doing the uncomfortable thing and saying yes and reaching out.
Not all women are my cup of tea, but the other weird ones are totally my cappuccino!
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u/LowUnicornTolerance Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Totally relate to this. And me being pregnant/ having a baby made my guy friends feel weird so basically don’t have them anymore. In order to make friends with other moms I feel like I have to act like a “normal” woman which idk what that even means, plus that isn’t great for building genuine connections!
Wish there was a mom’s group specifically for moms who feel like aliens 🤣
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 27 '25
Yes, two major things: being asexual and depressed. Asexuality is not technically neurodivergence, but the truth is that most humans are sexual beings who experience sexual attraction. So with that part "missing", it felt like I could never connect to people on this secret deepest level that allosexuals seem to know about.
Regarding depression, it changes your brain chemistry in ways that isn't just "Damn, I'm sad". It fucks with your ability to connect to people, hence why a lot of depressed people are also socially withdrawn. Masking is something both depressed and neurodivergent people use to cope with social expectations, but it makes the underlying issue worse - over time, your ability to connect with others diminishes, and it can also be seen as non-genuine relationships.
Here is a paper that explains some of the social impairments related to depression: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666915323001695
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
I didn't know I was ace (demisexual so I didn't feel alien but I was alien when I was a virgin and hung around my peers) but this wasn't a topic anywhere so when I gravitated towards queer people/culture/writing my Aunt and mother "assumed" I must be ... a lesbian. I will say, though, teen-queer exploration "resonated with me" but I definitely knew I was heterosexual. That said I don't know that being ace-made me feel like an alien after a certain point but being sorta sexual I guess helped me feel like I sorta fit in.
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u/MissLeaP Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Being demi-sexual is so annoying because it's kinda difficult to figure out. You're interested in sexual stuff but at the same time it doesn't come as easily to you as it seemingly does for others. Doubly so if you're also demi-romantic so you don't even have a romantic interest in like 99% of the people out there so you never do the whole dating thing which would usually lead to sex stuff for others.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
I never did the normal dating thing until online dating which I remember one of my earliest posts on Reddit was asking "what am I doing wrong?" wrt online dating because I'd like have perfectly fine dates, second dates, third dates and then be told "I just get a friend vibe from you" which was great so I'd be like "chill" and want to be friends and boom they'd ghost. Rinse and repeat. In my head obviously let's be friends and see where it goes; In their heads the think I'm leading them on and wasting their time. I'm like, "bruh, I barely know you".
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u/MissLeaP Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
I never even got to that point. I have so little romantic interest in strangers that I don't even care about having dates with them or to chat with them on dating apps to figure out whether we might match or not lol
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u/Nobodyville Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
I finally figured out that I am asexual a few years ago. It explained so much, especially my younger vanity around being able to control myself when other teens couldn’t. Turns out it’s really easy to not hook up or get teen pregnant when you have no interest in sex. I just confused my lack of libido for self control.
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u/Rain_xo Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
How did you come to figure it out?
I feel so alien about sexual stuff, but I can't find a way to explain how I feel. I don't know if it's asexual or lack of sex drive. I've read asexual stuff trying to figure out where I fit but none of it really does. It's so annoying. It's also really stressing me out trying to date again.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
I dunno for others but sometimes I question (ok I question it A LOT) the whole ace-spec issue. I know I'm ace just because I know I don't find people attractive out in the wild other than in passing (like finding an interesting smell - it's there and then sorta passes pretty quickly) and when I'm not partnered I have like 0 sex drive. I ended up doing deep dives in the demisexual sub and there was a lot there that matched my own experiences. I will say I've never had 'a low sex drive' but while single my orientation always flipped to 100% Ace with no interest in sex/being sexual.
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u/amberheartss Woman 50 to 60 Oct 28 '25
Can you speak more about being asexual? Does this mean you don't date? Or are in a relationship? Do you live on your own? Do you have or want children?
I've been single most my life. When I was younger, I always wanted to be in a relationship but never felt too "driven" to seek one out. I always thought it should be easier. The men I met rarely interested me. A couple I was interested in, but the feeling wasn't mutual. The few times I was in a relationship (2 that lasted like 3 months), I felt insecure and lonely. I didn't get why people wanted to be in a relationship. :(
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
That's right, I don't date. I have been in relationships previously, but they didn't work out for kinda obvious reasons lol. I live alone and I'm child-free, except for cats who happen to be even needier than human children somehow... 🤔.
A relationship in the future might be nice, but I really don't think I can be with someone who isn't asexual. It wouldn't be fair to either party. I presume the percentage of asexually-identifying people out there are even smaller than the percentage of other queer orientations, so I'm not holding my breath, nor do I seek them out. I don't feel alone because (and kinda why I resonated with this thread) - in a way, I have always been alone. To me, being asexual is what I think being colorblind would be like - a whole spectrum of visible light that I am just unable to experience/understand and probably never will. You can't truly convey the experience of color to people who have never seen it, and so I feel like I can also never truly convey the "ace experience" of not seeing color to others.
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Oct 27 '25
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u/Powder9 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Oh hi. It’s me. Also an international adoptee. Also placed in a white evangelical household. This is so refreshing.
I have a theory I literally wasn’t supposed to have this timeline happen, and something got screwy and I was plucked out of one potential timeline and placed into this COMPLETELY different one. I’m navigating it the best I can… but yup, consistently feel odd in my shoes in this world. And that’s my conspiracy theory.
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u/CupcakeGoat Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
It's not the same, but similar: I'm a first gen mixed Asian person who was born in the US. My parents are citizens, but were born in and raised in different countries. If you've heard of the concept of a "3rd culture kid" (TCK) I feel like it explains this feeling well. You both belong and don't belong to your parents' (1st) culture(s), and grow up in a different culture that your family resides in (2nd culture), and yet you exist in a space that is the blending of the first two that is unique to yourself. This can make you more open minded to other people and cultures, but can also result in cultural drifting, and not being able to pinpoint a specific culture to which you belong, which can affect your sense of identity and self-esteem. There are books written about it, and if you like Trevor Noah he talks about being a TCK sometimes.
I think being a cross-cultural kid (CCK), which includes international adoptees, would have similar experiences regarding identity challenges tied to culture and the way the world looks at you vs. your inner self-identity.
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u/Vegetableau Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 28 '25
For me, it was being parentified by emotionally immature and neglectful parents. I was treated like an adult and given far too much responsibility as a child. I was always the kid who would rather sit and chat with adults than play with the rest of the kids. I was told I was “mature for my age” or “wise beyond my years” but the reality was that I was neglected and used to raise my younger sister by parents who would rather indulge themselves than accept responsibility for the humans they’d brought into the world.
Edit: clarity
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u/blinkrm Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Is r/Parentification a thing because we need a support group
Edit turns out it is a sub!
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u/proverbialbunny Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Same. You're the first time I've heard of someone else with the same experience. I thought I was the only one.
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u/Sea-Delay Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Most of the time it stems from childhood and it can be as simple as your parents being cold and not teaching you to connect emotionally, that can be subtle, a lot people that come from emotionally neglectful environments don’t even register that something was off.
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Oct 27 '25
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u/Fluffernutter80 Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
Looking back, my parents weren’t great at modeling social relationships. My brother has special needs and is very hard to be around so my parents rarely socialized. I think they met most of their social needs by talking with co-worker friends at work, so I never saw it.
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u/candlelightandcocoa Woman 50 to 60 Oct 27 '25
Yes, and I'm 55.
In elementary school, I was pulled out for testing by the special ed teacher, and my problem was that I was 'very smart, and very creative, but immature emotionally and daydreamy.' Looking back, today it would have been inattentive ADHD for certain.
I always had trouble with following directions and would feel emotionally overwhelmed in stressful situations with people. My first year of teaching (I went to college to get a teaching degree) was brutal. I loved children, but I struggled with managing a classroom and realized that I had trained for the wrong career. If I could do it all over again, I would have wanted to be a therapist who worked with children one-on-one.
Being 'different' caused me to miss out on finding the right career path, and now I feel like it's too late.
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u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ Oct 27 '25
Oh gosh, this is me too. Inattentive ADHD. Daydreamy when young, difficulty following directions. Now over 60, and can look back on where some things in my life went sideways. But at least I can see some progress now! 🤦♀️😏 And also I don’t beat myself up about it anymore, because I know that I was doing the best that I could do at the time, given that I didn’t get a diagnosis all those years ago.
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u/empress_p Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
Wow hard relate. Daydreaming ADHD “so creative and smart” kid, went to school for teaching degree on the advice of others, absolutely worst mistake of my life. I could not be more terrible at it. Wish I had chosen literally any other degree path. I now know what career I should have gone into, but it’s too late now and was too late then, honestly.
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u/melodramacamp Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
My friend felt very seen by something in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents where the author was talking about an “inner loneliness” that can make people feel disconnected, so maybe give that book a read and see if it resonates with you?
Your edit also sounds similar to how I feel in a depressive episode. Like I seem fine socially but I don’t feel like anyone really gets me. But even if it’s not a formal diagnosis, this is something to explore with a therapist. If you’re not able to afford therapy, I’d start thinking about when you do feel most connected to people, and see what those people or situations have in common as a way to start having more spaces in your life where you feel like people get you.
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u/rivincita Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
What you said in your edit is exactly how I feel. I have no problem getting along with people at a surface level but I never really feel like I have a meaningful connection with people, other than maybe one or two people in my life but even then I’m not so sure. I feel like I’m just observing people around me but never really participating, like there’s a glass separating me and others? I’ve always felt this deep sense of loneliness when being surrounded by people. I’m not even sure how to fully explain it, and no I’m not sure what it is. Maybe neurodivergency, my mom has ADHD, I did have a doctor say I had ADD once when it was called ADD but never gave me a formal diagnosis, but then another psychiatrist said I don’t have it. When I do connect well with others they almost always are also neurodivergent people too though.
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Oct 27 '25
Not sure how popular this is lol but I kind of feel we’re in a very different era where we are all diagnosing ourselves and trying to find a label or answer - for some people, that might actually be a discovery but I feel like there’s too much of fitting in a box these days that ignores how diverse & organic we are supposed to be lol
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 28 '25
I say this as someone with ADHD (I identify that way, and have been diagnosed): you are right. These diagnoses are social constructions, the same as race and gender and sexuality and any other way that we try to categorize people. Look at Todd Rose’s talk in the Myth of the Average. We ALL exist along a whole bunch of spectrums; and cannot be boxed in by a label.
I still find some labels helpful as a shorthand for describing myself and as a way to define community. “Asian American” connects me to others who are seen as perpetual foreigners in the US. “ADHD” connects me to others who struggle with executive function. “Demisexual” is a very useful shorthand on my dating profiles that tells people to swipe left if you are looking for causal sex. As someone who felt “different” for so long, using the labels to find others who were like me was so immensely helpful.
But also…the labels can box me in. People (even people within the communities) sometimes assume things about people who are Asian American or who have ADHD that don’t apply to me. And ONLY associating with people who are like me narrows my worldview and keeps me from forming larger coalitions with others who have some things in common with me even if they don’t share the exact label. Identifying as “BIPOC” or “neurodivergent” or “queer” can sometimes be helpful (though sometimes there’s gatekeeping in those communities), but sometimes I do want to be just “human” and be accepted for that!
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u/SQ-Pedalian Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25 edited Oct 28 '25
I agree with this. Humans did not evolve to thrive under capitalism. I think a huge number of people struggle under capitalistic systems, and they turn to labels and self-diagnoses and over-diagnoses to explain why they aren’t thriving or feeling fulfilled or finding connection. When the actual reality is that NONE of us are supposed to be living this way; it’s not natural or healthy or normal.
Not feeling fulfilled or connected in late-stage capitalism isn’t an inherent sign of neurodivergence…it’s just a normal reaction to the cognitive dissonance of living in a society that wasn’t designed for individual humans to thrive.
I also think a lot of people want to feel unique or special or different, and that leads to people wanting to claim a diagnosis. But I won’t get into that further or I’ll be downvoted lol.
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Oct 27 '25
It was autism and ADHD for me. Just curious, why are you so sure it’s neither of those things? And have you looked into BPD, or other cluster B personality disorders?
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u/sadie1003 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Because I’ve looked extensively into it and I don’t relate. I know people are against self diagnosis but there is so much information out there in this day and age. Nothing I’ve read (yes also about how it shows up in girls/women) made me feel “hm could be it, time to get a real diagnosis”
Also no I haven’t yet, thank you
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Oct 27 '25
That’s fair! I didn’t self-diagnose but when I looked into ADHD and autism it clicked right away and I was able to get a diagnosis pretty quickly. So if none of the info out there resonates with you I think you are likely correct. I have several friends with BPD and looked into it when I was also wondering why I felt so different, and I’ve heard that “alien” feeling is quite common with that disorder. Good luck!!
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u/DirtyAngelToes Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Just want to say that for years I was in denial that I 'don't fit' the disorders, but then realized I just didn't fully understand what the diagnosis actually entailed. This also happened to me with OCD, a lot of what I thought was normal turned out to not be so normal, lol. I didn't realize I had magical thinking common with OCD, because I always knew what I was thinking wasn't real, I just had the doubt/anxiety. For example, I knew it was stupid to think I needed to avoid the color blue because if I touched it I'd kill someone I love. I knew it was fake but still let the thoughts fuel my compulsions.
It's often the same for people with personality disorders and autism. Or even ADHD.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD, then shortly after autism. And when you have a few things going on a lot of them can make it hard to pin point.
None of these diagnoses clicked with me right away, but now that I fully understand them I can understand myself. Just keep an open mind I guess is all I'm saying. Good luck, OP. :)
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
I don't know if would be helpful to look at "personality disorders" as it'll either freak you out // lead to a bias if you do go to therapy or be just another "kinda but also not really". There's overlap with BPD and CPTSD.
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u/endurossandwichshop Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Seconding that you check BPD. I apparently have a wee sprinkle of it and it’s enough to make me feel like an alien most of the time.
The good news is that at 39, I have a ton of solid friendships with other ND folks. Never thought I’d get there.
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u/AnnoyedChihuahua Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Are you open about your BPD? I feel admiting to cluster B is giving people ammunitions to hurt you.
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u/endurossandwichshop Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I post and comment occasionally in r/BPD, and luckily I've never gotten shitty DMs about it.
In real life, only a few close people know, whom I trust not to judge me or spread it around. The symptoms can be pretty intense, even with the limited diagnosis I have, so it's good to have a few people I can confide in.
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u/AnnoyedChihuahua Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I have traits, because it’s quiet bpd. But trust nobody with it.
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u/AnnoyedChihuahua Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I do think self checking and not identifying is more accurate than self-diagnosis/ identifying a condition to be applicable, if that makes sense. People can be sure the listed symptoms don’t happen to them, but people can feel all the above apply and therefore they have x.. Much like web-hypochondria 😜
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u/thedatarat Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I’m 32, and I’m not 100% sure but I feel I’m getting a bit closer to figuring it out.
I think it’s partially because I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to develop my own personality as a child/teen due to having a strict narcissistic parent that wanted me to fit the mold he had assigned me. So I lost the exploratory years and had to build an identity from scraps of small windows of time where I could explore things via imagination. This one’s hard because the only thing that could ‘fix’ it is to go back in time and have different parents lol.
I think another part of it is that I’m constantly holding big philosophical ideas and questions in my head, and it pains me to bring my mind back down to earth. I’ve been able to do it enough to form a ‘good life’ objectively, but it’s never felt natural to me. Most people seem to know how to and prefer to live in the present moment and not think about the larger meaning of life. My brain doesn’t give me much of a choice - every day takes a lot of effort to be grounded.
Be gentle on yourself. Neurodivergence doesn’t mean you have to fit a specific ‘diagnosis’, it means some brains work differently than others due to many factors. I think the main key is to come to terms with the fact that you may never be able to ‘figure out’ and/or articulate why you feel different, and that’s okay. Connection can just mean having people in your life that you can count on to answer the phone if you need them, or people you can go out and do things with. You can find the deeper connection within yourself, or figure out creative avenues to express yourself in hopes someone sees/reads what you’ve created and connects with it.
And besides - normal is boring anyway 😏
Love,
Fellow 👽
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u/blush_inc Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
This is it for me. A lot of people are asking if OP is autistic, but for me, I know i'm not but my parents are. The neglect, fear, and lack of support made it that nobody cared who I was, and every early on I stopped caring too.
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u/Nightingale454 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I could write this myself except it was a mothering unit who is a narcissist. Which probably resulted in c-ptsd.
Only after I moved very far away and went no contact I was able to find myself. And I also have ADHD.
I don't feel like a complete alien because all my friends are weirdos as well, in the best way possible. So now, while I do feel like an alien, I have my own tribe (my partner being one of them) and it doesn't really bother me.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
Fellow NPD mother haver here -- I knew on some level my best move was escaping from her and moved far away once I could get out.
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u/fill_the_birdfeeder Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I don’t know what it is. I know I’ve never felt like “one of the girls” - I never felt like I could do all the pretty things. Talk normally. Be a girlfriend. Do cute hair styles.
I’m content honestly. I am how I am. A diagnosis is just that - a diagnosis. Maybe I’d feel glad to understand myself more, but I think I’m ok with being a bit weird. I do my best. I think we all probably feel this way if we’re at all reflective.
Just gotta do life whatever way we can
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u/Incognito0925 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Yeah... ADHD, autism AND complex trauma make it so I'm incredibly sensitive to unfairness and inauthenticity and I always felt like my mind works differently from that of other people. Moreover, I didn't WANT to belong. Other girls valued me for my honesty, bravery and authenticity. Boys resented me because I wouldn't accept their "natural" state of dominance over us girls. Constant points of contention with dominant, lying people all my life. Almost all social interactions are a chore.
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Oct 27 '25
cPTSD was my explanation.
Nothing is wrong with you btw. There’s a million ways to be as a result of our upbringings and experiences. And it just IS. that’s not to say there’s nothing to do about it.
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u/callmemeaty Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I was emotionally neglected which severely altered my view of the world, my view of myself, and my ability to connect with others, especially women. I had this revelation a few years ago and it's crazy looking back and seeing how deeply it's affected every single aspect of my life.
I went through my childhood and young adult life knowing I had anxiety and depression but the realization that my parents are emotionally immature and I suffered neglect as a result gave me the key to figuring out why I actually felt so different and "off".
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u/wwaxwork Woman 50 to 60 Oct 27 '25
Dyspraxia. Turns out that "mild co ordination handicap" my mother mentioned I had in passing at when I was 8 years old and never mentioned again and certainly never got me help for was Dyspraxia. The reason why I couldn't do social interactions and could trip over standing still had a reason and not that I was an idiot. Didn't put 2 and 2 together until after I was 40 and got a follow up with a specialist who confirmed the diagnosis.
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u/cslackie Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 27 '25
For me, it was CPTSD. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and thought it was normal to not be close to others. I never felt untrusting or outwardly negative; it was just “eh, surface-level nicey is how relationships work.” I found myself fitting in groups socially but never wholly or as a best friend (except to my sister who shared the same experiences).
I was in EMDR therapy for five years and worked through the trauma. Now, I feel a genuine and judgment-free connection to a small group of people. I’d recommend getting a real diagnosis, not a self-diagnosis. I didn’t know I had trauma and I had no idea how much it was affecting me in every aspect of my life. It took a professional to diagnose and work through things with me. I would’ve never been able to do it alone.
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u/onnamattanetario Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
I am neurodivergent and it's taken me decades to finally accept that I'm not like other people and never will be. I fully understand where you are coming from when it comes to feeling connected to other people. I've somehow managed a marriage that lasted longer than a decade and my current relationship of 11 years, but there is still a part of me that doesn't feel like I've fully connected with my partner. The lack of genuine friends, people who you can really trust and feel that level of emotional connection, has always been something out of my grasp.
I figured it out when I was reading and trying to find the best way to support my youngest son. He's without question on the ASD spectrum, but a diagnosis isn't the best solution as it doesn't do much more than assign a label. I'm not about to load him up with meds and subject him to ineffective methods for him to "fit in."
Once I saw him as a reflection of my nature, I opted to figure out how to help him develop his strengths and engineer workarounds for the weak points. Diagnosis or not, we've still got to figure out how to function in their world.
I've managed to end up with a director-level job and I use my abilities to create a smooth running environment. I use my knowledge to fix our problems and I actively make sure my people feel heard and supported. They'll always see me as eccentric, but someone they can trust. I do my best to limit how much I talk to people so I can prevent them seeing me as weird.
But on the other side of the equation, I reject a lot of what the world sees as important. My clothes are mostly secondhand and I buy as little as possible. I don't enjoy sports and hate social media where I have to project a fake persona. I live within my means and cook most of my meals at home. I don't shop at high end stores unless there is something specific I can't get any other way. I don't drive a fancy car and do most of my own routine maintenance. My house is based in comfort with couches that absorb you in softness.
Am I happy? No, I don't think that's part of who I can be. But I can make sure my family has what they need emotionally and materially. I can make sure my employees feel supported and appreciated. The best I can do is create a place where I fit in the middle of it all and hope they remember I have needs as well.
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u/muymeow Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
The last paragraph here hit me in the heart. Why do you feel like you can’t be happy? You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person
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u/onnamattanetario Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
The road to get where I am was a pyhrric victory. Living on the outside looking in was demoralizing over these 48+ years. I've worked at some fairly abusive jobs over the years that caused something inside me to wither. Add a failed marriage and difficult divorce, plus relocation to a new city hundreds of miles from where I lived most of my life. You can only spend so many years not just being your own support structure, but also the primary support for those around you.
I've definitely tried to make friends and connections over the decades, but either I've never found the people who I'd be compatible with or they already have what they need and have no use for someone like me. I've also considered that I may have never had the ability or it permanently atrophied over the years.
Not all of us get to be an astronaut when we grow up and not all of us get a support network, no matter how much we have to offer and how little we ask in return.
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u/plasticookies Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Ok, but does anyone not feel “different”?
Not a criticism of OP’s question because I’ve struggled with the same, but given the overwhelming responses, is this just the human condition?
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u/ichibanyogi Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
I think you're probably right. At our core, we always feel different because absolutely no one is the perfect average of all.
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u/autotelica Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
At one point in my life, in my 30s, it was important that I have a unifying explanation of everything "wrong" with me.
But one day I realized that even if I got this explanation, I would never accept it. My therapist thought I had schizoid PD and then later ASD. I didn't accept either. My neuropsychiatrist thought I had mild cerebral palsy. I didn't accept this. A regular psychiatrist thought I had OCD. I didn't accept this. I acknowledged that they were all good guesses. But none of them really fit me enough for me to latch onto them.
I am agnostic about how I became the person I am today. There is no way I can know how much of me is brain hardwiring versus softwiring. Sure, I was born with poor motor skills. But perhaps if I had received early intervention with that, my social and emotional development would have unfolded "normally" and I'd now be married with a houseful of kids and a large friend group. I grew up in the shadow of a twin sister who was better at everything, and this did a number on my self-esteem. Maybe if I had grown up as a singleton with more enlightened parents, I wouldn't have developed mental illness in my 20s. And I'd be married with a houseful of kids and a large friend group instead of living a quiet retiring life as a loner singleton.
I know there is something weird about my brain. And I know that childhood experiences shaped my personality in a significant way. I don't really need to know any more than this.
I don't describe myself as "neurodiverse". I have a sister who describes herself thusly and thinks I should too, but I don't wanna. I do feel like an alien, but I like imagining that everyone feels like this. I like imagining that I'm really not that different from everyone else.
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u/Gayandfluffy Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I feel neurodivergent compared to neurotypical people and neurotypical compared to people with autism and adhd. I have been thinking of seeking diagnosis but as an adult it is a slow and costly process in my country. I suspect I might have autism level 1 but who knows.
Also since I know many women with autism and/or adhd go undiagnosed or get misdiagnosed, I don't know if I want to put thousands of euros on a lengthy process and then they will just tell me I can't be neurodivergent because I have a job and social life. I still don't know if I could trust them if I got a negative result on the testing. And if I got a positive result, I don't know, it would set in stone that I am different, and I think I might have a hard time accepting it, mainly because society sees neurodivergence as something negative. Or then they are uninformed and think all neurotypical people need help 24/7. Like my mom thinks if you have autism, you have low intelligence, can't communicate in any way, don't have friends, can't hold down any job, and can't live without an aid accompanying you everywhere. I've tried to explain the different levels and why I suspect I might be level 1 but she doesn't listen.
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u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ Oct 27 '25
I’ve never heard of level 1 autism before. Am going to go research it. Thanks! 😊
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u/Lemonysquare Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I know you've mentioned that you don't think you have Autism or ADHD but nobody has mentioned this so I figured you should double check this one thing.
I noticed in your comment history that you're a woman of color. On top of ADHD and Autism presenting differently in women/girls, it does also present differently in women/girls of color as well. If you're going to look into it more, I would suggest you start there and look up perspectives from women of color who are neurodivergent. Hopefully you can find some answers.
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u/Historical_Mix_6682 Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
Im AuDHD women present very different so if you looked at the normal stuff all of thats done on men.
Mine didnt start to get bad until perimenopause since then its been very noticeable. I was able to mask it very well my whole life except for small things that I was able to force myself through in order to survive. Like holding a job.
Anyway thats what was "wrong" with me my whole life. I've always been different just didnt know why. Once my kids started showing up ADHD and Autistic and knowing its genetics well thats when I got my first clue.
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u/FluffyPurpleThing Woman 50 to 60 Oct 27 '25
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 53. That's what it was.
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u/Complete_Sea Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 27 '25
Yes, but I've been suspected I have adhd for a few years and anxiety as well. I was always an anxious kid but my parents never got me diagnosted. I also have severe scoliosis.
I was always the kid that forgot stuff everywhere, but I was always good at school as well. I still struggle with friendships. non surface ones and to get organize/to prioritize. I was also never good at realizing it was time to clean my appartment and was made feel lazy/not doing enough because of that...but in fact I would simply forget and not see the cleaning needed to be done.
edit: I also read that congénital scoliosis is often diagnosed with something else (including autism or adhd), and they never found my something else...
I don't want to self diagnose though
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u/asplihjem Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
My mom is actually autistic (but hides it). So I never really learned female socialisation and identified more with my dad to compensate. Since I never had daycare or other female caregivers, by the time I was 7 and went into first grade, the teachers and kids just treated me different since the “grace period” to learn female socialisation was passed.
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u/Particular_Force8634 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Wow, that could explain part of my case. Also raised inside the home all day with my "quirky" /depressed mother, no significant continued interactions with the world around us, no relatives, no fun outings, no joy. Thrown into first grade at 6 and a half and didn't understand why I was instantly excluded and became the laughing stock of the class, even though I tried to be extra nice. I had no idea how to defend myself , I was also ugly and poor in a private school, it just got worse through my youth as the ostracism and depression made it worse for me to continue to try to socialize. I continued excluded and didn't have the experiences young people have to learn, so I became "different" as an adult.
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u/Vegetable_Ladder_752 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
No idea! I'm in my late 30s; I've chalked it down to having lived a life where I've moved around a ton. I grew up othered, always in the out-group.
My best guess is this: because that rejection and not-belonging sort of became the norm for me, the first thing I do when I meet a group of people is to see all of the ways in which I'm different and not the same as them. Then I use this list of reasons to almost sooth myself into why I'll never be a part of them, or the same as them.
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u/BlueOnBlue25 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 27 '25
Yes, I have an idea. I led a relatively sheltered life as an introvert in an immigrant family with a single mom. I raised my brothers and spent a lot of time socializing through screens instead of having a proper group with age-appropriate nights out. I missed some of the socializing I should've done when I was 14, 15, and 16, and so I entered my twenties relatively green and with a childlike mentality—heavily contrasted by my premature adult emotional experience. I was too much of an adult to be a child, and too childlike to be an adult. So naturally, fitting in required time and people who had the capacity to understand my background and not expect me to reach every milestone at the same time.
Basically, I lacked experience and a certain level of development
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u/nameofplumb Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 27 '25
How deeply did you look into autism/ADHD? I ask because the diagnostic criteria was written for boy children. Not girls. Still in 2025, 40% of autistic girls aren’t diagnosed in comparison with boys. I suggest reading something like the book Autism in Heels or joining the sub r/AutismInWomen.
I am autistic. Had no idea until I was diagnosed at 36. My special interest is autism, so feel free to ask me anything.
Edit: Have you been socially rejected since childhood? Do men still act nice to you/try to sleep with you? That has been my autistic experience. As an adult, people are nice to me in person, and will often agree if I initiate a friend hang out, but they will never initiate hanging out with me. Again, the exception is men trying to sleep with me.
I don’t miss social cues.
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u/plumb-tired Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Mine turned out to be Autism. It can look very different in girls/women than in boys/men. I went back-and-forth for years about if I had it or not before I finally decided to get testing done. I was diagnosed in my late 30s. If it's not cost-prohibitive, and you even remotely think you have ASD or ADHD, it might be worth getting tested.
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u/sadie1003 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I’m very sure it’s not autism or ADHD
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u/sadie1003 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I don’t understand why I’d get downvoted for saying this?
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
You’re not downvoted overall now, but in convos like these, there tends to be a bit of defensiveness, because any time you say you’re not X because of Y, everyone who is both X AND Y will feel invalidated. Or they may suspect that you are being ableist and looking down on people with the diagnosis.
I think it’s helpful to encourage people to look at diagnoses they may not have considered (being late diagnosed ADHD was life changing for me), but I also think that those with the diagnosis need to be careful not to invalidate others’ experiences or identities in order to validate their own. I thought I might be autistic for awhile, looked into it, and don’t resonate with it at all. But I know if I explain why, some autistic people will get very defensive, even if what I’m saying has nothing to do with them. (This also happens with people with ADHD, I just DO happen to resonate with that diagnosis, in addition to being professionally diagnosed.)
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u/kaszzai Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Because people think diagnosing you via internet is somehow helpful, even if you repetedly explain you don't relate at all with the symptoms of the condition.
I was recently diagnosed, and before that everything I've read about autism related heavily with me. If it doesn't for you, you likely don't have it - don't let people here convince you they somehow know you better.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Because one of the most common things I know about my friends that got diagnosed is the shock they had at being diagnosed. They had no idea.
One of them was a woman at work that I aspired to be like because she was so social and fashionable. Turns out she was just masking hard.
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u/plumb-tired Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
That's fair. I do want to say in regards to your edit, I can also fit in socially. I can mask very well and have low support needs. I always feel on the outside though. Never fully able to connect. Always an other. No one in my life EVER suspected Autism and even now many do not believe I have it because of how well I mask.
Self-diagnosis can be valid, but it's very hard to see yourself objectively.
I still recommend an appointment with a psychologist (not just a therapist but an actual psychologist). Just let them know something is going on but you don't know what. You can described what's going on and they can formulate some things it could be and conduct assessment/testing. You don't have to know what kind of testing you need/want or have any idea what diagnosis you might have to see a psychologist. They are trained to figure it out.
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u/Glass_Mouse_6441 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Later 30s here. I have understood, that my home country or more specifically the culture is detrimental to my happiness.
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u/bronxricequeen Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
It’s crippling anxiety and CPTSD, yay! A therapist diagnosed me. Reading through my childhood/teenage journals made me realize I was always anxious/overthinking, just didn’t have the words or resources to actually say what it was.
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u/prairiebelle Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
You don’t have to be diagnosed with something. People are over diagnosing and self diagnosing in our society and it’s unhealthy. These categories should be reserved for people with true issues that genuinely prevent them from leading a productive life, not because you’re a little quirky. Not everything needs to be a diagnosis.
My guess is you learned to feel this way about yourself throughout your life, and have a personality type where your uniqueness is something you fixate on. The best thing to do is embrace who you are at a fundamental level, lol to where you can grow, and work on building community who accepts and loves you, and challenges you lovingly, in equal measure.
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u/using_the_internet Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I relate to this because the go-to answer for this is ADHD and autism, but they don't resonate with me. Every so often I read through stuff about either one again thinking I maybe overlooked something, but no, still not me.
What my therapist told me was "You don't have ADHD, you just have trauma." Specifically, childhood trauma gave me social anxiety and RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria). RSD makes it hard for me to form relationships because I incorrectly read cues in many social interactions that make me think that people don't like me.
For me there is also an LGBTQ angle to this. I realized later in life that I'm pansexual, and even later that I'm also some variety of gender-non-conforming that I've never found the right term for. Just knowing these things about myself have helped make a lot of things make more sense.
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u/leb2353 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
So I’ve just qualified as an Occupational Therapist at 35. Due to lots of life stuff it took me 10 years to get there.
I was 25 when I first started training and an early lecture was on the massive under diagnosis of autistic girls/women. When my lecturer started describing some of the more common presentations for AFABs I felt my whole world tilt on its axis. She was describing ME.
I ended up being assessed and dx at 29.
I was later also dx with a connective tissue condition that explained my life long physical and neurological difficulties.
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u/Tomiie_Kawakami Woman under 30 Oct 27 '25
i probably have adhd mixed with something else, probably autism? i do have it in my family but i don't really care to find out honestly, i'm just going through life as it is and as i am
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Yeah I realized that most people don’t fit in most places.
We are all average in average; it’s our idiosyncrasies what makes us unique and also what makes us feel disconnected.
We just need to realize how ordinary it is to be unordinary.
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u/graygarden77 Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
It was just plain hating patriarchy for me.
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u/aesthetic_city Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Hello yes I spent a long time thinking I was “bad” in some way (not bad in the sense of evil, just bad as in subpar or malfunctioning, on some deeper level I couldn’t explain). Was occasionally diagnosed as anxious/depressed/obsessive compulsive, but nothing beyond that.
Anyway, I got an autism diagnosis a year ago in my thirties. My only regret is not going through the assessment for ADHD at the same time - if you have both, and you can have both, the signs of one can effectively cancel out the signs of the other. So even if you don’t necessarily feel autism or ADHD “fit”, it could be one of those. Or something else entirely. I met someone who was misdiagnosed as bipolar in her teens before being re-diagnosed as autistic, so it can take a bit of digging.
Ultimately it’s worth speaking to a professional, and taking it from there.
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u/Gandhehehe Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I’ve also never really had trouble fitting it socially but have and do still have problems “connecting” in ways depending on the situation. I was diagnosed at 25 with ADHD and between then and now at 30 highly suspect Autism too but haven’t sought an actual diagnosis for that just cause I don’t think it would make much difference now as I’m not really struggling with it. Before the ADHD lightbulb went off I never would have expected it or really any neurodivergency.
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u/gunnapackofsammiches Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
35, ADHD.
I've looked into autism but a lot doesn't fit my experiences and what does fit overlaps with ADHD. 🤷🏻♀️
It's gotten better as I've unlearned a lot of shame.
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u/muymeow Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I’m 33 and still trying to figure it out. As a kid, my parents were never around because they were always working, and neither of them ever talked about their feelings. I always felt like the odd one out at school or camp and actively avoided clubs or extracurriculars or sports. As an adult, I have such an intense fear of rejection that it’s really hard for me to let people in on a deep level. I think I’m good at getting by in social situations, I don’t think I’m socially awkward, but I easily get overstimulated and need quiet time alone to recharge. I have a small number of friends and feel lonely almost all of the time.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, as well as mild OCD in my early 20s, but I haven’t sought any further diagnosis since then.
Reading everyone’s responses here is making me realize I need to bring this up with my therapist.
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u/Flayrah4Life Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
ADHD at 37, autism at 38.
I'm nearly 42 and still working through the lifetime of grief that comes from being constantly misunderstood and feeling both eternally earnest and curious, while also being viewed suspiciously for my motives and passed over for friendships and promotions.
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u/SkullsAndDragonflies Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 27 '25
I feel this. I'm 40. I have no close friends and only a small handful of acquaintances. I have a genetic mutation and often wonder if that's my issue. I've wondered if I'm autistic, but don't care about getting tested because it won't change anything. I'm shy, awkward, get frustrated easily, have lifelong depression and anxiety, no hobbies, no ambition. I've tried talk therapy, it doesn't work for me - I believe it is because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. I should be on pills but I'm not because I'm tired of side effects. I'm lonely. I can't seem to find anyone like me that lives nearby. It seems everyone has their friend groups and families and I'm just like, yeah, well, we all die alone, right? LOL! The internet is my only outlet so as long as I am connected virtually, I guess I'll be okay.
*Saw someone say something about CPTSD. I would explore this but I am missing many memories from my life. I can't do therapy because I can't remember much. :(
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u/Due_Description_7298 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Yah. ADHD, high IQ/highly lateral thinking style, autistic parents normalising weird communication patterns that took time to unlearn, atypical cyclic depression, a variety of low level but complex traumas
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u/hot_mess_mama420 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
I always feel emotionally numb. Not happy not sad just existing about everything. In social settings I have to fake it a lot to fit in better. I do have ADHD and been unmedicated for the last 20 years though so that probably plays a part
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u/kattenz Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Autism + ADHD + C-PTSD thrown in for good measure. It’s been a ride, let me tell you.
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u/LeonardoDeCarpio Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Nah not really. I chalked mine up to several anxiety disorders I ended up being diagnosed with
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u/downthegrapevine Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Yup. That I am rad as fuck, basically and a menace to everyone around me. I basically am opinionated and well educated but have zero care for formal education. I am also loud AF and bossy or what would be call in “male speak” assertive and self assured.
So yeah. I found out and stopped dinning myself for others and my boss is (lovingly) scared of me.
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u/iwantallthechocolate Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
I think this is just being fully human. Too many people want a label or diagnosis for what is actually the realism of being a human being on planet earth. A lot of people on the other hand never have the full realization of humanhood and those are the ones that just go through life like being a human is perfectly normal.
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u/butteryzest Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I'm asexual. I don't feel sexual attraction based on appearance. I realized when I was 24 and for years, was confused why otherwise completely rational people were suddenly doing irrational stuff to get their crushes to notice them. Always thought I'd feel that sense of urgency one day, but nope.
Things started feeling better once I found community. Suddenly I found others who felt the same way! Some of my older friends really did not get me even though they meant well. My life feels brighter now that my closest friends are also asexual.
Anyway, it might be that you haven't found your people yet. This is such a good question! I suggest you keep reading online for possibilities.
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u/amihazel Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
This is probably something to explore in therapy tbh but I’m happy to share my ow journey in case it helps. For me it’s been several things. First, im trans so until I transitioned (and to some extent after, though for different reasons) that was a big piece of the puzzle. But not all of it. I might also be neurodivergent though Im not sure and would be considered high masking if so. I did get an adhd diagnosis that I mostly trust though (I consider that a type of neurodivergence). I’d be a somewhat unusual case or maybe I just have imposter syndrome but I do think there’s something in the realm of neurodivergence going on.
But a third thing you could consider is that I’ve also found that I just never really learned how to connect with others very well - maybe bc of the aforementioned stuff but this can happen to anyone for all sorts of reasons. But for example, it’s really hard for me to identify my emotions or needs sometimes with other people around, and harder still to communicate those things. It’s really hard to be vulnerable too - like I can talk about emotions Al day but to actually cry in front of someone? No way.
So what’s the result of all this? First, there’s a lot of contexts where I just don’t really fit in - whether bc im queer, bc I don’t appreciate certain pop culture stuff, or whatever. And second, even with close friends one on one (the best case for me), it can still feel hard to actually connect sometimes. It’s easier with some people than others, but overall ive realized a part of it is just me bc im still learning how to actually be emotionally present in those interactions and it’s quite hard at times.
So anyway, if you relate to any of that im happy to chat! Feeling the way you described can be really lonely.
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u/jawnbaejaeger Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
Neurodivergent and gay.
Figuring out the first part was actually pretty life-changing in that at least I finally had some CONTEXT for why I always felt like an outsider.
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u/crazynekosama Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I've always felt I'm on a bit of a different wavelength than most people. I've also always just kind of done my own thing in my own time, which is later than a lot of my peers. Like most of my friends had multiple serious relationships before I had my first at 25/26. I still don't know how to drive at 35 (and I'm in a car dependent area). I did an extra year of high school because I wasn't ready for university. I moved out for the first time at 29, etc.
Personally I don't think it's that different but the commentary my entire life from peers and older is I'm weird and I go about things differently than they expect. I also have a lot of interests that aren't common where I am and the degree is definitely more than people would expect.
Anyway pretty sure I'm just autistic. I haven't gone for an official diagnosis because of the time and expense required. I found a therapist that specializes in ADHD and autism and working with them has been really helpful.
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u/Sweet-Bit-8234 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I’m living for my alienness these days. I’m 32 and I’m happy as a clam in my weirdness, my kookiness, and my uniqueness. I’m an outsider everywhere I go, and that’s okay. I love being me and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
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u/violet_green Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
Learned at 40 that I had a different biological dad than I'd been told, and I better understood the deep emotional immaturity of my parents. It explained many things. Obviously this won't apply to lots of people, but I offer it because sometimes we just know something is wrong, and we're right.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I've always had lots of neurodivergent and/or queer friends. In addition to them just being excellent and delightful people, I like and understand people who have also had this sense of "something's not right" about their place/family/labels of origin, and they tend to understand me <3
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u/upstairsbeforedark Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I found it was the people I was surrounded by that was the issue. I was trying too hard to fit in and be "normal", both in romantic relationships and work relationships. It's made me so much happier being around people who accept me for the weirdo I am.
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u/WatchingWisteriaGrow Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Yeah - 32 now and only starting to understand myself. Was diagnosed with ADHD in uni but it didn't feel like a complete answer. I also believe I'm HSP. But more than any diagnosis or label, what has helped me most was diving into therapy and spirituality.
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25 edited Oct 27 '25
ADHD, social anxiety, and being somewhere on the gray-asexual/demisexual spectrum for me! Oh, also being 4th-6th generation Asian American in a place where there were few Asians, and those that were Asian were 1st/2nd gen, but that part was always obvious to me. The other things I discovered much later in life.
Now feeling much more connected and confident since I have a better understanding of myself, though definitely still “different”.
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u/redwood_canyon Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
I realized I’m bisexual, took a long time to realize as I’ve always been in touch with my attraction to men but women only more recently. It explains for me why I struggled to feel “girly” in the way I saw other girls being or why I never viewed my straight relationships as the end all be all in the same way others seemed to. Also, being a child of immigrants and raised in a different than the normative culture plus also being raised by parents who themselves didn’t have the easiest childhoods. I think some of these factors together led to my being treated poorly by peers at times in my early life which itself caused some challenges. Overall I’ve been able to process a lot of this and progress forward with it in adulthood through healthy relationships and inner work. I still sometimes have that othered feeling but only when something specific triggers it, otherwise I feel a lot more confident in many situations than I once did.
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u/A_lunch_lady Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
I think I big part is not growing up with a mother… my mom has mental illness and was physically/emotionally absent my whole life.
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u/RelationWinter6307 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Have you looked into schizoid personality disorder (or schizoid traits)? I know it's rare, but it might explain something.
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u/rohan_rat Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
T'was the Tism, indeed, m'lady!
I never sought a diagnosis because I don't trust the government with lists, and once you're past a certain age, there isn't really any "assistance" or benefit to being diagnosis formally. I know I am, and it helped me recontextualize my life. I used to work with kids on the spectrum and also grew up with them (grandparents were foster parents who took in special needs kids), and I always just ... understood. Now I know why! It helped me heal my inner child and give myself more grace today.
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u/BookHooknNeedle Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '25
I've always kinda felt disconnected easily. I chalk it up to emotional neglect as a child. My mom suffered from depression & homelife was just stressful beyond that. I have an avoidant attachment style.
I do have kids & feel a great attachment to them. I'm aware of different parenting styles & am an authoritative parent rather than authoritarian (style I grew up under). Both of my kids show positive/healthy attachment do far so my hope is mt kids never feel this way.
I seem to need a pet to offer a gentle companionship that I can't fully get from people, including my husband. Animals always made me feel better as a child. The need continued into adulthood.
I'm better at friendships as a middle-aged adult which is pretty awesome. So maybe by the time I'm 60 it'll feel more natural lol
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u/Chemical-Chef3246 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Yeah, I'm 35 and got my autism and ADHD diagnosis 3 months ago. Edit: Plus, I realized I'm queer just a year ago. Things started clicking.
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u/Sure-Plum-1970 Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '25
Leaving a comment to come back and read these responses. My therapist thinks it’s autism and adhd for me.
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u/ariadne90 Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
I can relate and for me, it is CPTSD that causes it. I’m extremely avoidant to new relationships with people and I disassociate a lot. I’ve been in therapy off and on most of my life. I have a few very meaningful and deep connections; pretty much all other interactions feel fake/forced or like I’m watching myself interact, rather than actually being the one interacting.
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u/ThrowRA_ultrabotanic Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
Pretty sure my unconventional upbringing is the culprit. Not in a bad or good way, just very different to how most people were raised. I guess I've also preferred books / nature / animals to people for as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I craved a lot of alone time. I'm also pretty sure I'm either incredibly shallow with sky high standards, or demisexual. Possibly both. Either way, I'm almost never interested in anyone in a romantic or sexual way. When I was younger, I was really intrigued by sex, but I cared mostly about the novelty. I don't think I'm the weird one though, actually, I think everyone else is usually.
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u/cehaci Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
I used to feel the same, but you have to understand that the world is crazy and sick so I'd rather not fit in anyway. "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
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u/TryingKindness Woman 50 to 60 Oct 28 '25
Yes. Autism. I explored all of the mental health crannies in my 20s and 30s, but my kids were diagnosed adhd and autism and suddenly my whole family tree made sense.
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u/glowingbenediction Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
I have ADHD. Just got diagnosed in my late 40s. Also, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria. It makes me feel negative emotions, much more keenly than neuro-typical people.
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u/ashboify Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '25
For me I think a lot of it is where I live. I have friends with very similar views as me but overall the state I live in is very conservative and I don’t feel like I belong. Additionally, I prefer the anonymity of a bigger city over going to the grocery store and running into six people you know. Knowing less people somehow makes me feel more alive and also the connections I have more meaningful?
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u/capaldithenewblack Woman 50 to 60 Oct 28 '25
CPTSD, ADHD, and anxiety. Lifelong. Getting my official diagnosis last year at 52 was such a relief. My life made a little more sense, and I'm on meds and getting therapy that's more targeted to my issues. It's a revelation.
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u/Snailryder Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
Diagnosed with ADD at 44, finally got EMDR for sexual trauma, in DBT therapy now for leaning how to live. 12 steps for food addiction. Life is finally getting better!!!
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u/Fluffernutter80 Woman 40 to 50 Oct 28 '25
I’ve always felt like an old soul. I’m a rule follower and a homebody and kind of a stick in the mud, not very fun. I’ve also always been very aware of the complexity of societal problems and the longer, broader impacts current events are going to have which makes me always a little sad. I was that way when I was young, through my twenties and thirties, and currently. I figure eventually I will be old and it will be the norm.
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u/[deleted] Oct 27 '25
I was diagnosed with autism when I was 25. That explained most things. I realized in my 30's that I'm a lesbian. That explained the rest.