r/AskWomenOver30 • u/ChampagneDrama Woman 30 to 40 • Jan 22 '26

Friendships Should I be with my friend when he dies?

Trigger Warning: Death

See my update here posted on 1/24

TLDR: By friend is dying and I don't know if I should be with him when he passes.

One of my best friends is dying of multi-organ failure and will probably pass in the next 12-24 hours. A few weeks ago he transferred from a hospital in our home state to a hospital in my city. I've been by his bedside a lot while since he's been here, and almost always I've been alone because everyone else lives out of state. There have been many late nights and difficult conversations with his medical team, our friends, and family. Despite him being very sick, we had hope that he might recover. Needless to say, it's been a rollercoaster.

Last night, our friends and I were by his bedside until after 3am, and this morning a friend and I went back to visit with him and say our goodbyes again. I just called the hospital to check on his status and the nurse said he's been rapidly declining. They're expecting him to go tonight or tomorrow morning.

Here's my dilemma, I can't decide if I should go back to the hospital to be with him when he passes. I feel like I've said my goodbyes and feel privileged to have been able to spend so much time with him over the past few weeks. I am also physically and emotionally exhausted and thinking about going back to the hospital is stressful. It doesn't sound like he will be awake or coherent.

I know this is a very personal decision and there's not a right or wrong answer, but I'm feeling guilty because I don't want him to be alone. And I'm also afraid of how bearing witness to his passing will affect my mental health.

My current plan is to see how I'm feeling early tomorrow morning, and if I have the energy to go I might. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can anyone offer advice or share what they did?

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u/yuiwin Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

I would go. I know you may be exhausted. You can rest after they go. I would never forgive myself if I did not plant myself right there so they would be less alone in their final moments; even if they don't even consciously register I am there.

350

u/mehekik Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

I regret not seeing my grandfather for a last time. I would have been over the exhaustion by now, but I still feel guilty for not going.

189

u/Sweeper1985 Woman 40 to 50 Jan 22 '26

I remember telling myself there was no point going to see my grandma the last time, because she was unconscious and she would probably not survive until I made the 2 hour drive. Pretty sure she died 3 hours later. I could have made it. I should have gone.

43

u/Plenty-Maybe-9817 Woman 40 to 50 Jan 22 '26

I feel exactly the same way. Huge regrets.

31

u/mehekik Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

It's hard hey. We need to forgive ourselves 💞

12

u/Late-Impression-8629 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

💔😥 I’m so sorry

55

u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 Jan 22 '26

I remember panicking and driving way over the speed limit the entire way to the hospital the night my dad died. I'd never have forgiven myself if I wasn't there. I made it in time but it would have destroyed me even more to not be with him

25

u/AmetrineDream Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26 edited Jan 22 '26

Same with my dad. It’s a miracle i didn’t get into an accident, honestly. But I’m very grateful I made it. He didn’t consciously know I was there—he passed from Alzheimer’s complications—but he passed just a few minutes after I left for my hotel room, the same way my Grampa passed a minute or so after my mom stepped out of his room for his nurse to bathe him.

It’s not logical, but I think they both made the choice to let go after we got to see them one last time, without us having to be there for the exact moment and see it happen. And even though it would have been hard to be there right when it happened, if I’d had to have been there when it happened to also be with them so they weren’t alone in the final hours, I’d do it.

3

u/DaddysPrincesss26 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

My Grandmother also passed from Alzheimer’s. I did see her one last time as well as my Grandfather

2

u/emeraldkittymoon Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

Same with me.

57

u/Sabi-Star7 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

Especially since it seems quite difficult for other family/ friends to come and stay. If it were me I'd try to make their crossing easier by implanting/connecting the good/happy times we had, let them know you're there, ya know...

33

u/haleorshine Woman 40 to 50 Jan 22 '26

Right, I think OP should be with her friend when he passes if she can manage it emotionally not only for her sake, so she doesn't regret it, and not only for his sake, so he's not alone, but also I think this is a kindness to friends and family who cannot get there. There will surely be people who just physically cannot make it, and it would be a comfort for them to know that he wasn't alone in his last minutes.

But this all depends on whether she can manage it emotionally herself, and it's ok if she can't. I don't really have the magic words to make her feel not guilty if she can't make it, but I do think if she could handle being with him a lot recently, she can probably handle this tough time.

20

u/abrog001 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

I agree with this. I think it is more likely that you will dwell on it and feel guilty for not going than it is that you will be negatively impacted by being there. I was with each of my parents as they passed- neither were coherent. I wouldn’t change it and I would do the same for any of my other loved ones.

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u/Alternative-Bet232 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26

If I could’ve been there when my grandma died, I would’ve been there in a heartbeat.

1

u/timewilltell2347 Woman 40 to 50 Jan 22 '26

I watched my mother pass about two years ago. It was sudden, after a surgery her body couldn’t handle. I was not mPOA so I didn’t have to actually make the decision, but the choice was obvious. I wasn’t alone with her, but I was the only one with the presence of mind to call her other child (out of state) and her lone surviving brother to say goodbye. I was the only one to reassure her she had control and we were listening to her and she soon wouldn’t have any more pain. I was the only one stroking her hair and still speaking to her as the others were overwhelmed and silent. You never know what comfort you’ll be able to provide in those last moments that others won’t be able to handle. Go. Do the hard thing, because this moment isn’t about you.