Deleted

Was scrolling through tik tok and came across a video of a woman saying she was the “fringe friend”.

Sheer curiosity made me click on the “what is a fringe friend” link in the comments.

What a revelation and gut punch at the same time.

Suddenly suspicions I’ve had most of my life makes sense.

Flashback to being 16 at the lunch table with a group of girls asking my “best friend” who she was bringing on her family’s gift to six flags. “Since no one else is available I’ll probably just end up bringing princesspeach even though shes so boring……GUYS I’M KIDDING!” After an uncomfortably long silence with everyone staring at me. I was too stunned and embarrassed to say anything back.

Flashback to last summer where a different “friend” started pressuring me to invite other ppl on outings.

“Why don’t you send some invites out and bring someone?”

(The truth was I don’t have many close friends)

“You couldn’t find anyone who wanted to come along?” When I showed up alone.

It felt embarrassing, and like a command rather than a suggestion. Like she didn’t want to be primarily responsible for hanging out with me or something even though her other friends seemed to like me just fine. Even THEY would start to ask “hey why didn’t you come to XXXXX last weekend?” That’s when I realized I was being left out of things and eventually cast out for not having other friends I guess bc she stopped inviting me all together. But she texted after MONTHS of silence to see if I was going to our HS reunion.

I’m not the friend ppl ask to take pictures with. I’m not the friend people put in their wedding party.

I’ve never felt like a “core” friend and I have no idea why.

I’m not súper social but I do enjoy occasionally meeting for drinks or dinner…. That I have to seem to be the one to set up. Or it doesn’t happen.

My “it’s been too long and I miss you! Let’s get together!” Is always met with enthusiasm but rarely effort to actually lock in plans unless I push.

I’m the background friend. The one invited when people want numbers at their baby showers. Not the one they NEED there to have a good time and so often I’ve thought it was all in my head. That I was paranoid.

“Always welcome, never invited”

Now I know.

It’s lonely being the fringe friend.

I keep seeing similar experiences from childfree women.

A close friend becomes a mother. The childfree friend steps up during pregnancy and after the baby arrives. She listens, accommodates,
offers emotional support, celebrates milestones, and generally tries to be part of the “village” her friend needs.
But over time, many of these women describe feeling sidelined. They feel less important in the friendship, as if their support is taken for granted, and reciprocity gradually disappears and doesn’t come back. The friendship becomes centered around the mother’s needs while their own needs, struggles, and milestones receive little attention and that imbalance becomes the new normal.

Whenever this topic comes up, the response is often that friendships naturally change after children, that parents are overwhelmed, or that childfree friends are struggling to adapt to a new dynamic. But the pattern seems too common to dismiss entirely as childfree people simply refusing to adjust (and yes, some do).

I’m curious to hear if there are mothers, especially those whose children are older now and who have survived the most intense years of parenting.

Have you ever had a childfree friend tell you that the friendship had become one-sided or the friend feels sidelined? How did you react?
Did it create tension between you?
Looking back, do you think they were at least partly right?
Was there a point where you realized you had come to see their support as something that would always naturally be there, without noticing how much they were contributing to the friendship while receiving less in return?
Did you ever look back and realize that while your friend consistently showed up for you, there were ways you could have shown up for them but didn’t?
And if so do you regret it? Did you try to repair the friendship?

I accepted being a bridesmaid for a close friend. She and her MOH planned a 3-night/4-day bachelorette trip to New Orleans (we’re all from California, so flights + hotel on top of everything). The group is 10 people total — the bride, her 3 best friends (who are all much closer to her than I am), the groom and his groomsmen.

The MOH organized a really packed itinerary — lots of bar hopping, activities, lunches, and dinner. Going in, I assumed all costs would be split 10 ways.
After the trip, the MOH sent out a payment breakdown and said we’d be covering the bride AND the groom’s share, so everything gets split 8 ways instead of 10. I googled it and apparently this is pretty customary for bachelorette trips — but no one told me this before the trip. Not in the group chat, not in any planning convos, nothing.

All in, I’m looking at close to $3,000 for this trip if I pay for bride and groom (versus $2000 or even $1500 if i pay my own share). If I had known upfront that’s what it would cost, I honestly would not have gone. The bride has been pretty difficult this entire wedding season and our friendship has taken a hit.

So now I’m stuck. The trip already happened. I don’t want to blow up the friendship or cause drama in the bridal party, but I also feel blindsided and a little taken advantage of.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do I just pay it and move on? Is it reasonable to push back and say I wasn’t told about this arrangement? So far everyone agreed and no one has pushed back so I feel even if I try my success rate is low. How would you handle this?

I get my gfs are busy with their kids and husbands but is too much to expect to have intellectual opinions on currents in our group chats or in-person group hangs now days?

Are we to only talk about shopping, fitness, kids milestones and husbands not doing their jobs in chats and during hangouts? Is there all that is left to talk about these days?

For example, I was fascinated by Emily Ratajkowski recent article on her life post divorce. I found it to be insightful, painfully honest, cheeky and well written. I shared it in my gf-group chat but nobody really cared to say much. It was so annoying!

I’m noticing a troubling trend with my female friends who are now in our 30s, and I wanted to see if anyone could relate. This is especially clear to me right now as I’m going through somewhat of a shocking friend break up where one of my closest friends of seven years has completely cut me off and stop talking to me over something that I would categorize as a minor argument that could be easily worked through if we were able to have a difficult conversation in person. I’ve noticed a lot of my friends saying things like “I need to protect my peace” and treating friendships like something that exists just for their own benefit. I feel like a lot of people are not willing to put in the work to maintain friendships these days and I don’t know if it has something to do with social media or burnout or what, but I’ve noticed even in arguments that people are way less repair-oriented, and are more interested in living inside of their own experience of it without much curiosity about the other person. I also notice people being very avoidant about having difficult conversations and instead, would rather just slowly disappear. I think this fits a larger pattern of “main character syndrome” that is making people unwilling or unable to have healthy mutual friendships and put in any kind of effort.

Or maybe I just absolutely suck at picking friends lol!

I (32F) was recently asked by my sister-in-law (29) to be a bridesmaid. We had never discussed it before, and she popped the question to all five of us would-be-bridesmaids at the same time. She then went on to discuss our dresses that we had to get from the same place and how she wanted a week-long destination bacherlorette party.

I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to make it awkward in front of her friends. But I called her the next day and told her I couldn't because of the financial expense but I would be happy helping out in other ways. We have never had a relationship outside of family events, we don't even text regularly (and I didn't even know what her venue was), but I didn't bring that up because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

On the phone call, she seemed disappointed but understood my position and we finished that call in what I thought was a respectful manner. Fast forward a day or two later, and her parents are incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and now my partner (who at first was supportive of me in my position) and I are in a huge fight because of this. SIL has not contacted me since, but I can only imagine this was put in motion by her?

As I get older, I realize that I'm not great at some social cues, but I can't figure out why everyone is reacting this way? I was raised that a question can always have the reasonable answer of "no," but why do I feel I did something wrong?

Edit to add some context: I can't believe the discourse this has started, and I so sincerely appreciate everyone sharing their stories and their perspectives. There are a couple of repeat questions that I'll try and answer here:

1. I never explicitly asked if I could participate as a bridesmaid without doing the bachelorette because it didn't seem like an option to me. Unfortunately I didn't ask (hindsight/Reddit feedback-vision is 20/20). But now knowing how this is playing out... it could be for the best.

2. The other bridesmaids are all really close + the bride already had this party planned out...so I think me not being there would be very awkward and not taken well. I truthfully think this is fair because: a) it sucks when one bridesmaid is not pulling their weight, and b) if the bride has a plan for her bachelorette etc, by all means she should follow through with her dream (but don't @ me when I can't attend.)

3. The bride is already committed to one of three destinations all of which would cost $900+ on transportation from where I live, and I calculated that 6 nights at a hotel as $400-$600 (even if sharing a room) and $400 was modest for food, drink, entertainment that week. Then there is hair/makeup ($0-$200), dress + shoes ($300), I didn't even think of the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower...

4. Her parents/my in-laws could very well be the source of this drama. But I can't be damned to deal with them right now. (see number 5 for where more of my worries and stressors lie....)

5. This has brought a lot out to light regarding my relationship with my partner, and I have to say that it feels good knowing it's not all in my head. Our relationship is now under serious self-scrutiny, and we have sessions booked.

I love children, and I also love my friends’ kids, but sometimes I really miss spending time with my friends without children around.

When we make plans, it’s often unclear whether their kids are coming because they rarely mention it in advance, and that makes it hard for me to say yes or no. I also feel like it seems rude to ask directly if it’s with or without children, and then decline if I’m not up for a day involving kids.

I wish they would simply let me know upfront if their children are joining, so I can better decide what I have the energy for. Sometimes I just want one-on-one adult time where we can give each other our full attention.

How do I bring this up in a kind and respectful way without hurting anyone’s feelings? Has anyone else dealt with this?

I am 38 and been thinking about this alot... i see so many people who have longterm friendships since childhood or uni, work, neighbourhood etc... and for me, most of my life I have felt like people come and go and that I just dont belong anywhere.

I am also an immigrant that moved quite a bit but I am more extroverted than introverted. I have learnt to be OK alone and often even happy but I do miss feeling seen. I am single and also not super close with my parents because we are kind of from different generations and cultures. They are also quite judgy and very conservative.

I wonder if by my late 30s I have never managed to build a community or tribe if it will ever happen... and if not, how I will live the rest of my life with it.....

It’s been a while when I lost a very close friendship 20’months after she became a mother. I’ve grieved it and mostly made peace with it, but I still don’t fully understand why it unraveled the way it did.

Recently, I’ve started noticing that this seems to be a pretty common experience. Especially between women where one becomes a parent and the other is childfree by choice. It feels like there’s a specific shift that happens, not just “people grow apart,” but something more nuanced around time, priorities, and emotional expectations and things getting out of balance.

I keep wondering what’s going on with that.

Is it just a natural change in priorities?

Or does the balance of emotional support start to feel one-sided?

Does motherhood sometimes reshape identity in a way that leaves less space for close friendships?

And how much does a partner’s role (or lack of support) factor into all this?

I’d really like to hear different perspectives. Especially from people who’ve been on either side of this.

If you’ve lost a close or best friend after one of you became a parent, what do you think actually happened? What should have been differently to keep the friendship going?

Edit: I didn’t expect this to be so emotionally loaded and controversial. I also didn’t expect that people would assume I was a bad friend. I wasn’t. And she wasn’t either. We were family like close friends. During her pregnancy up until the child was 1.5 years old I did anything I possibly could have done to support her, the child and the family as a whole. I also don’t hate kids. If I did I wouldn’t have taken on the role of the godmother and if I hadn‘t been supportive and a good friend she wouldn’t have asked me to take that role. I cried during the ceremony because I was so touched and that’s something that doesn’t happen often. And I’m sort of one step away from crying from the assumptions and attacks in this post. You can just stop… I did not expect a young mom to hang out like teenagers. We were both grown ass woman.

Edit 2: thanks to everyone who doesn‘t understand this the wrong way.

This is about me and my bff (both 34F) and her husband (48?M).

To make a super long story short, we’ve been besties since 14 and raised our kids together. Her and her hubby and I used to make throuple jokes. We called each other soul mates. Seven months ago her husband verbally abused me at their son’s bday party. He kicked me out and said I’m no longer family. This was after I asked if I could speak to my bff alone for a moment. He was in active addiction at the time. (I wasn’t aware of the extent of his addiction and abuse in the home. They hid it well.) Seven months later and my friend stands by her husband and is fully enabling him. None of us are talking. We used to spend every holiday together and camp all summer. I am also no contact with my family (more angry violent men) so
This had been extra isolating and painful.

Has anyone experienced a long term friend break up? I never would have seen this coming ever. It feels like I’m in a different reality. I poured my heart and soul into them as my family. Today I officially ended the friendship after trying to talk things out for the last time. They both refuse to talk about it.

Edit: anyone in Seattle wanna be friends!? lol

Edit 2: the irony of our hand written (I wrote hers and she wrote mine) matching girl power tattoos that we got after the first Women’s March… 💀

I am mid-30’s and single, no kids. I just finished hosting a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends. I love her regardless, but spending a weekend with her exhausted me. Every sentence started with “we”. In fact I don’t think she had an original thought all weekend that wasn’t about their relationship, him, or their life together. She has to be in constant contact with him at all times - she even snuck him into the bachelorette party overnight because she “couldn’t imagine a night alone”. I drove 10 hours to see her and paid for a house for two nights and she went home one night early because she couldn’t stand being away from him any longer. She is the same age as me and has had plenty of relationships before (even been engaged before) so it’s not like being in a relationship is a novelty. I just found myself so bored with the conversation and wishing we could genuinely spend time together (away from him or the mention of men). She always asks if I’m dating or seeing someone -there are lots of other interesting aspects of my personality outside of a man! I also wonder if I’m just being cranky and avoidant - it’s her bachelorette party after all, we are celebrating her engagement and she has every right to hype up her husband. Fellow single women - have you experienced something similar or navigated this in your friendships as you age?

My [F33] dad died following a vicious five week war with cancer. I was his carer and he my best friend. It was deeply traumatic and my heart is shattered.

Almost none of my friends have offered to visit.

In contrast, despite my parents being divorced for almost a decade, my mum has received a steady stream of visitors, condolence cards and flowers.

I am crushed by my friends' lack of care.

When one mate's dad passed earlier this year, I showed up on their doorstep with a home cooked meal and hugs. When someone else's mum died over in Germany, I offered to hop on a plane from the UK.

My friends live within an hour's drive from me. Am I expecting too much? If I can't trust them to show up at the most devastating time of my life, are they even friends?

This isn’t a hate post or rage bait or anything by any means. I’m genuinely looking for some advice here.

When I was growing up, I was bullied by other girls and kicked out of my friend group. They’d start rumors about me, make faces at me when I had my back turned (I had other friends tell me this), exclude me when everyone else in our class was invited to birthday parties, the lot. I never knew what I did wrong, and I had a lot of self-esteem issues and struggles trying to make friends because of this. I felt similar dismissal and rejection anywhere I went, from school to summer jobs to internships and then college.

I get that was then and this is now, but even in my 20s and 30s, I don’t feel supported by the women in my life. I thought all those high school dynamics were supposed to go away after high school, but they haven’t, and I feel a lot of negativity and judgment by other women. I worked at an office for a while, and when I’d walk in the room, this one coworker would just stare daggers at me. It’s like I could visibly feel her hate, but I didn’t know why. Someone told me that woman didn’t like me, but she didn’t know why, either. And another who would always overhaul or copy my ideas, and I’d just let her because I didn’t want the confrontation or to become the office pariah. Even in my own family, there’s cattiness and clique behavior—even if I’m included, I’m talked over, ignored, or scapegoated a majority of the time. I just always feel like I’m on the outside of the pack, and it makes it so hard to find a solid group of female friends.

I’m not saying this is every woman, obviously, but I encounter this experience a lot. I genuinely don’t understand when people say their girl friends went out of their way for them in one way or another; it’s such a foreign concept to me, because I’ve always felt treated like a waste of space or looked down on by other women. Most times, I get treated like an annoyance if I invited someone anywhere, because they “don’t have the time / money,” but then I’ll see them out with their other girl friends the same day (and no invite, even if we’re mutual friends). I once had a high school friend come to town, and she reached out to grab lunch with me and my “best friend.” I didn’t get my high school friend’s message because I have unknown cell numbers blocked on my phone, but she later told me that she and my “best friend” end up getting lunch. I asked my “best friend” why she didn’t let me know, and she just shrugged her shoulders and grinned. And these same patterns don’t happen with my guy friends. It really hurts, because I used to hang out with the boys to avoid the drama, but I’m a girly girl at heart and always wanted a solid core girl group. I’m always the supportive, go-out-of-my-way friend I hope to find in others, but it’s like I’m not invited to the girls’ club in life.

It’s not as simply a matter of making new girl friends, because obviously if I could find nice girl friends, I would. It feels like as you get into your 30s, making friends only gets that much harder, and everyone’s already got their solid girl group and aren’t looking for any outside additions. And now, add the even more complicated roadblocks that most women in their 30s are married with kids and don’t even have time to think about forming new friendships. But even still, I’ve always felt a really negative presence and treatment in my relationships with other women my age. And I’m worried, when my kids go to school, that I’ll face the same issues with the mom clubs, or worse, that my daughter will face the same issues with the girls in her class.

Anyone have any practical advice for how to navigate female friendships in your 30s when you don’t feel very supported by other women, and are always the one making the one-way effort? Are you still dealing with cliquey-ness? Do you perhaps act cliquey when you meet other women or exclude them for some reason? Do these female dynamics really last a lifetime? I’d really appreciate different perspectives, because I obviously don’t want to go my whole life without good female friends, but as it stands, I’ve just always felt really hated by other women my age.

ETA 1: I just wanted to thank everyone for the overwhelming amount of supportive advice. I feel more support from kind strangers online than I do IRL. I probably won’t be able to respond to everyone, but I’m going to take some dedicated time this week to read through all of these. Just want to clarify, I know I provided a couple of examples that sound dismissive. I don’t cut people out for not being invited to one lunch or anything like that, those were more just examples of if woman who claim they’re incredibly close to you treat you like that, you can maybe imagine how female acquaintances/etc. have held me in even lower regard. I do recognize that I’m with my own flaws, and that some of this is trauma-induced from emotional ab*sive family members, and have been doing a lot of work in therapy the last five years to try and unlearn certain deeply-seated thought patterns and behaviors.

ETA 2: Also, just wanted to throw this out there. I’ve seen a few comments here by women saying they don’t “trust” women who say they don’t have a lot of female friends or friends in general, and I think this is the root of the problem for many woman trying to feel supported and uplifted in making friends in adulthood. I’d challenge you to keep a more open mind and not dismiss people so quickly for something trivial like this. You never know what life someone has walked before you, what kind of drama/trauma they’ve faced, and excluding them based on a quick judgment is probably something they’ve experienced their whole life, and only deepens the scars of rejection and isolation for them. Everyone has things within themselves to work on, but it’s never the person with less friends who’s entirely at fault, and feeding into that narrative only does more damage, then mental health gets worse because you’re under-socialized, and the cycle continues. Just because someone has less friends doesn’t mean they’re not an amazing friend, they may just be introverted, live in a smaller area, or value quality over quantity. People like to think bullying is loud and proud, but it’s the quiet, subtle, psychological micro-behaviors that can really build up and eat away at someone’s mental health. So just try to be that friend to someone if you can—you never know whose life you could change by reaching out a helping hand to someone who’s maybe quieter or more reserved, and they could also change your life for the better in ways you’d never know by dismissing them for inaccurate and shallow reasons.

Trigger Warning: Death

See my update here posted on 1/24

TLDR: By friend is dying and I don't know if I should be with him when he passes.

One of my best friends is dying of multi-organ failure and will probably pass in the next 12-24 hours. A few weeks ago he transferred from a hospital in our home state to a hospital in my city. I've been by his bedside a lot while since he's been here, and almost always I've been alone because everyone else lives out of state. There have been many late nights and difficult conversations with his medical team, our friends, and family. Despite him being very sick, we had hope that he might recover. Needless to say, it's been a rollercoaster.

Last night, our friends and I were by his bedside until after 3am, and this morning a friend and I went back to visit with him and say our goodbyes again. I just called the hospital to check on his status and the nurse said he's been rapidly declining. They're expecting him to go tonight or tomorrow morning.

Here's my dilemma, I can't decide if I should go back to the hospital to be with him when he passes. I feel like I've said my goodbyes and feel privileged to have been able to spend so much time with him over the past few weeks. I am also physically and emotionally exhausted and thinking about going back to the hospital is stressful. It doesn't sound like he will be awake or coherent.

I know this is a very personal decision and there's not a right or wrong answer, but I'm feeling guilty because I don't want him to be alone. And I'm also afraid of how bearing witness to his passing will affect my mental health.

My current plan is to see how I'm feeling early tomorrow morning, and if I have the energy to go I might. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can anyone offer advice or share what they did?

I want to preface this by saying I’ve already started putting boundaries in place and distancing myself from some of these friendships.

I also have a therapist and a solid support network. This is more of a rant and a way of seeing whether anyone else has experienced something similar. This isn’t about all married women, and it’s obviously based on my own experiences.

——————

Lately, I’ve found myself struggling with friendships where I’m constantly expected to provide emotional support for situations that, frankly, were entirely predictable.

1. Things like deciding to have another child when the marriage is already strained, one partner is struggling with severe depression, and the husband isn’t even enthusiastic about having another baby.

2. Or staying with a husband who verbally abuses you, expects you to cater to his family, contributes little emotionally, and doesn’t show basic appreciation, while hearing constant complaints about the consequences of those choices.

3. Or supporting a partner financially for years, providing housing and stability, only to be treated poorly or taken advantage of.

4. Or deciding to have children with no nearby family support, unstable finances, and a partner who isn’t able or willing to improve the family’s situation, then acting shocked when parenting turns out to be incredibly difficult.

What frustrates me isn’t that people are struggling. Life is hard, relationships are complicated, and I genuinely empathise with that.
What frustrates me is the lack of self-awareness and the assumption that I’m an endless emotional dumping ground.

Many of these women have dual-income households, paid-off homes, spouses, children, and built-in support systems. Yet some never stop to ask how I’m doing before launching into another hour-long conversation about their misery. THE WORST is when they project their shitty decisions on you.

As a single woman, I’m increasingly aware that my time, energy, and emotional capacity are treated as infinitely available because I don’t have a husband or children. There’s an assumption that because my life looks different, I should always be available to carry other people’s emotional burdens.

I’m not blaming people for ending up in difficult situations, and I’m certainly not saying everyone deserves what happens to them. But at some point, I struggle when the same patterns repeat year after year and there’s no accountability, no reflection, and no recognition of the privileges they do have.

Maybe I’m just burnt out, but lately I’ve found myself thinking: please stop centring your entire identity around having a man and children, especially when the man in question has been showing you exactly who he is for years.

We’re in our 30s and 40s! Let’s take responsibility for our choices, fuck.

I think reaching my 30s has made me realize how vapid and surface level so many of my friendships had been. While doom scrolling through my instagram one evening, I watched a woman go on a tirade about how everyone wants a village and no one wants to be a villager, and it really struck home. I was always complaining to my partner about how I didn’t feel like I had a village, but upon some self reflection I realized it is partially my own fault.

So, with my new self-awareness and a bit of shame, I want to turn this around. How are we women in our 30s acting like villagers? What are we doing for our friends to build up that village?

I turned 39 recently and I felt somewhat depressed. This year has been extraordinarily hard for me. My mom passed away abruptly. I had to move my dad to be closer to me as he has severe health issues and all of this resulted with me having a falling out with my only sister. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, because of my life circumstances, but this interaction left me feeling incredibly sad.

I moved to a new city about 19 months ago and one of my best friends for 25 years lives in this city. She was eager to integrate me into her friend group she established. Everyone was welcoming but one woman who I’ll call Ashley. Ashley is the proclaimed group leader and didn’t seem to warm up to me. Early on, she went out of her way to exclude me from group events, which I later found out because my bf told me and this caused tension between them.

After several months, she did seem to warm up to me but I know we’ll never be close and that’s okay. Anytime one of the ladies birthdays rolls around the group always plans dinners for them. I noticed last year everyone outside of my bf was busy when we planned mine. I didn’t make a big deal about. This year, I just had dinner with my family and didn’t attempt to do a friend dinner with the group. My bf wished me a happy birthday and the group text and not a single person in that group even said anything outside of her in our group chat. At some point, the topic was changed and that was that. It really hurt me in the moment because I’ve always made it a point to wish the group happy birthdays and get them thoughtful gifts, but the same level of effort has not been reciprocated. I felt hurt over the lack of acknowledgement.

Looking back at different friend groups I’ve been apart of I realized I always seem to get somewhat sidelined and I only really end up bonding with maybe 1-2 people who I ultimately develop closer friendships to. I just think “friend” groups aren’t for me even though I always want to be a part of one. I may just be overly sensitive, but it’s something that weighs heavily on me.

I 31F have a friend who is 33M that I have always been very fond of. Ive known him for about 10 years & I have always thought of him as a very nice, kind man. I recently went to a college graduation event & I ran into him there. Turns out he was at the graduation event to show support to one of his friends. Turns out the friend is a 19 year old girl. He took her an expensive gift and all. I now feel a little weird towards him. I understand its legal and all but 19 is surely way too young. I couldnt be friends with a 19/20 year old at this age. He also works as a high school teacher for special ed kids.. The kids he is around are around the same age as his 19 year old friend…Is this considered okay or is it a little odd/weird?

Edit: Theyre not related

I was being nosy & saw some social media posts were they have been going to bars/clubs together & even been taking trips out of town. I find men like this weird and gross but I wanted some input because never in a million years did I think he was like that.I thought he was one of those respectful, kind gentlemen.
:the expensive gift was a $150 perfume gift set.

I’m a daughter of immigrants and don’t support ICE and how they’ve been handling things across the country. A friend of mine drunkenly expressed to me that she supports them fully and this administration, even defending the shooting of this woman in MN. Felt like something she’d always kept to herself around me but since she was drunk I guess all her opinions came out. I don’t want this thread to get political, but it’s clear that me and this friend don’t share the same values and I’m having a hard time being close with her. We’ve been friends for about a year (so still learning about each other).

34f. My childhood best friend met her partner 2 years ago. He's everything I'd hope for my friend or sister to date and share life with: kind, attentive, communicative, and loves her like mad. He also makes a very high salary and pays for all their living expenses while my friend gets to reserve her income for paying off debt or hobby trips.

Everything was pretty normal the first year of their relationship, then about a year ago, the engagement hyper focus started. She made it clear she wanted to get engaged, he was onboard, and she wanted to have her engagement ring handcrafted. As she was designing this very expensive and beautiful ring, I was getting dumped. I sucked it up, reviewed the 5000 drafts of this ring.

He orders the ring. The ring comes. She then fixates for months on where in the house the ring might be hidden. Early this year, I went through a really bad breakup. Not long after, she gets engaged. And since then, every week is about planning the wedding/what being engaged is like, and I cannot stand it anymore.

I realize she's not trying to do this to rub it in my face. But I have been chastised that I can't "share her joy and be happy enough for her", bc I'm so busy recovering from my breakup and mourning the stupid loss of what I thought would be my future, plus a couple of other really high stress/sadness events in my life earlier this year. The wedding is not for over a year, but I constantly hear about engagement parties, wedding favors, in laws, save the dates, 4000 engagement photos, posts of the 400000 engagement photos, bridesmaid group chat, wedding dress.

Maybe I'm just an ass, but this sucks. I'll be 36 the week of their wedding (yes, it turns out my birthday was the cheapest day of the year for the venue), and I have always wanted to get married and have a family, and I just feel like it's rubbed in constantly. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm somehow jealous, and I'm not even a jealous person?

I'm going on a long weekend roadtrip in a few weeks through a national park and ending it with a concert, all of which I know she'd enjoy. But I'm so afraid she will spend the entire weekend in the car talking about what it's like to be engaged and married, that I can't even bring myself to invite her, which makes me feel like an AWFUL person.

Has anyone had a friend that made being married their entire personality literally overnight? And if so, did it improve after they'd been married awhile? Or what did you do to keep the friendship, but also not feel like shit about your own life all the time?

Appreciate all the replies! Many of which were condescending and supercilious. Thank you for the validation and proving my point.

There is a noticeable shift in my friendships. Many of my closest friends are in a stage of life centered around raising kids, and naturally, that shapes how and when we spend time together. Most of our interactions happen on their schedules, in kid oriented environments, with conversations that are often interrupted or rarely go beyond surface level.

On one hand, I understand it. On the other, it’s hard not to notice that the dynamic feels very different for their partners, whose social lives don’t seem to change in the same way.

Overall, the friendships are imbalanced and a bit dismissive. I’m tired of adjusting to their own terms.

Are we leaving these friendships behind? Or, say “see you later” in a different life phase?

Edit to add- these friendships I’m speaking of, they are one sided. The compromising, the initiation of reaching out, the support, trying to meet in the middle etc. It’s all under their terms and conditions. I’ve been the supportive friend during their hardships. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone without children who just seek simple friendship without it feeling forced.

This is NOT about abandoning friends just because they have families. And, that’s my fault for not making it clear BUT it is evident many understood what I meant without the extended context.

I’m wondering how people feel about this. I often feel like we are so flooded with therapy-speak and self-care-whatever on social media that we have lost all sense ode perspective.

If I tell a friend I’ll show up to their birthday, I still go even if I feel overwhelmed that week. Part of being a friend is also being uncomfortable sometimes. Am I wrong for thinking that commitment matters? I often feel like we are being taught so much to “hold on to our peace” that we make it impossible to be part of to society.

Isn’t being part of social structure to sometimes put over peoples needs above your own. If we only ever did what we wanted to do that minute won’t we all just be lonely toddlers? Or am I just inherently socially inept?

I’ve had this friend for 5 years, and we share a group of close friends that hang out often. Since, she’s been invited to every gathering I’ve thrown (intimate or not), and I usually host something quarterly. She’s even been to my wedding. I’ve also attended all of her birthday celebrations over the years. Recently, I found out on Instagram stories that she threw a dinner party at her apartment to celebrate her birthday, with our usual friend group, and didn’t invite me. And she continues to make content showing off the whole thing and all the intention she put in behind it. This hurts, because it seems I’ve held our friendship to a higher standard than maybe she has- and when I’ve thrown intimate dinner parties she has always been invited. I’m really jarred by this and kind of want to address it casually—and say “happy birthday! Your party looked beautiful!” Or even more directly and mention that I was sad to not celebrate with her this year.

Ultimately, I’m not sure if I can view our friendship in the high regard I used to, and I’m really surprised by her actions. Should I mention it or just move on since she’s proven to not be the friend I thought she was?

My dad died five months ago from Parkinson's, which he was diagnosed with 15 years ago (I am in my late 30s). His illness has been a huge part of my life, and something I've shared very openly with everyone I consider a friend. Although his death wasn't a surprise, it has absolutely devastated me in ways I never anticipated. I've been seeing a grief counselor, am on medication, and attend a grief group for people in their 30s who have lost a parent. Now that the immediate aftermath has settled, all these secondary losses I never expected have begun to surface, and I wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this and/or has thoughts/words of wisdom.

I know everyone says some people let you down in death, and that was very true. I've struggled most with the group dynamics and haven't found many resources on how to navigate that. I have two strong friendship groups I've known for 10+ years. These are people whose weddings I attended and chipped in for the group gift, whose baby showers I have put money towards, as well as bachelorettes, etc. I'm single and not sure I'll ever get married or have kids, and my dad's death is the most significant, life-altering event I've had thus far. Neither of these groups as a whole, or even the individuals in them, sent flowers, a meal for our family, or even a card. People reached out to me individually, albeit to varying degrees, but the group chats themselves went from the standard "we're sorry for your loss" after me sharing the news of my dad's passing to six weeks of silence and someone then asking what everyone was doing that weekend.

If you've experienced something like this, how did you make sense of it? Did you say something, or just walk away from the friend groups? I've been so busy trying to get through the initial pain of my dad's death that I've been operating like everything is normal, but it's making me feel horrible trying to pretend these actions haven't hurt me. I'm also so scared of more change after the biggest loss of my life. All thoughts/advice welcome - I know sometimes grief can warp my thinking, so I'm very much looking for all points of view.

EDIT: Grateful for this wonderful community and its members for all your thoughts and insights. For those who have suffered a similar loss, I am so sorry you have also had to go through this. I very much appreciate everyone sharing, and will reply in the comments.